It just breaks my heart that he won’t open up...

Just wondered if you have any ideas about this. Our 17 year old son, D___, is silent about things that bother him. He won’t say anything about what is going on inside of him. He just got back from a week at church camp. Last year he came back all fired-up and ready to face life. This year he came back no different than he left. Only thing different is he is making an effort to get a normal sleeping pattern. He was staying up till like 4 AM, then sleeping to about 2 PM. So far he has been going to bed at around 12 or 1, and getting up at around 10 or so. He still has no job either. I don’t know what he is interested in other than computer gaming and youth group on Tuesday nights. He doesn’t hang out with friends much though. He does talk to them a lot on the phone and text, of course.

Maybe a little background will help. First off, we home school. Have done this since D___ was in the 5th grade. We are from Illinois but moved to Kentucky 4 years ago. He was very upset with this. Our other son will be 13 next month and didn’t want to move either. We got thru it but these 4 years have been the toughest I have ever faced. Also, our boys are adopted. They are half-brothers (have different fathers). We have had D___ since he was 3, and Jared since birth.

Is there any way we can help D___ open up? I never degrade my boys or anything like that. I don’t know why he won’t talk. And he says he don’t and won’t talk to anyone else about it either. He has always been the quiet type.

One other thing. A year or so ago I read a post on his MySpace where he mentioned that he came close to committing suicide once. He had the knife out and everything and then his cell phone rang. It was a girl he cared much about and that stopped him. I spoke with him about it later. He said it happened not long after we moved here. I asked him if he had looked back and realized all he would have missed if he had gone thru with it. He said yes and “That would have sucked!” So that is a plus. I told him that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I encouraged him that when things got rough he needed to get with someone and talk it out. If not me then find someone else he could trust and confide in. Just talk it out. I assured him that I loved him very much and that I would never laugh at him about anything he had to say. I know the story he came up with could be fabricated just for MySpace but D___ isn’t really like that. He almost always tells the truth and when he doesn’t he eventually gets around to it (usually soon).

It just breaks my heart that he won’t open up. And at times I get a bit fearful when he is depressed but yet won’t talk. He has something against me. I tried to find out what it is but he won’t say. And I don’t know if he would go with me to see a counselor if that is needed.

He is a really good kid. Both of them are. But teens are so hard to figure out. I don’t remember ever being like this myself.

Anyway, would appreciate any comments you might have.

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Hi D.,

We could spend the rest of the afternoon trying to figure out why your son is in a shell. His behavior is multi-factorial (e.g., his genetic make-up, his personality make-up, environmental factors, etc.).

The bottom line is that he will grow out of this -- and there isn't much you can do in the meantime (other than to simply reassure him that he is loved).

Don't take this behavior personally.

Mark

Online Parent Support

A great week...

Hi,

Just wanted to fill you in on a great week. We have implemented our son's chores, and he is doing them with no fuss. I do hope this continues, but am prepared if we run in to problems, which I know from experience is surely possible around here!

Am continuing reading and listening to program.

Thanks so much.

Have nice weekend,

S.

Online Parent Support

Do punitive consequences (Detention Centers) help or hinder a teenager with this disorder?

Mark,

My story is too long for an email, but briefly...

My son has been on probation for grand theft of a dwelling and vandalism (10/07). Since then he has 3 violations of his probation due to 4 positive drug (marijuana) tests, leaving thru his bedroom window in the middle of the night, stealing his father's car twice, stealing his father's ATM card twice. He has spent time in the Juvenile Detention for a couple of weeks for each violation. My son has symptoms you describe. Prior to 10/07, I know I was in denial as you describe in the video on your web site. He has a court date on July 8th for his most recent violation followed by a staffing meeting, in which a group of individuals from probation will decide on the best place for him. My question to you is this... Do punitive consequences (Detention Centers) help or hinder a teenager with this disorder?

I only have a couple of weeks until our court date, so I am not sure if beginning your program will help as we do not know at this point our son's future? My husband and I do know we need help and do not know where to turn for support and help.

In need,

R.

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Hi R.,

Re: Do punitive consequences (Detention Centers) help or hinder a teenager with this disorder?

I think it does more harm than good. Detention is designed to protect the community - not to rehabilitate the teenager. (You're hearing this from a Juvenile Probation Officer.)

I think you should get busy with the program.

Do kids grow out of this????

Hi Mark,

I was just looking at your website and the partial list of 40 items your book is said to give solutions too, does it actually have 40 sections that specifically address each of these issues, because I find that often you need a way to deal with a specific problem, eg when my son (age 6) is rude to his sister in the car, how can I get him to stop and understand he's being rude, talking doesn't help? ...stopping the car doesn't etc? There are lots of circumstances like this.

I'm after specific coping strategies, and please please please tell me do kids grow out of this????

thanks K.

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Hi K.,

There are four sessions (parents are advised to only do one session per week).

We have 2 core program-goals: (1) fostering the development of self-reliance and (2) knowing when to turn intensity on and off.

Our 5 main parenting-strategies help parents accomplish these goals:

(1) Fair Fighting
(2) The Art of Saying 'Yes'
(3) The Art of Saying "No"
(4) When You Want Something From Your Child
(5) The Six-Step Approach

So, no ...there is not 40 different things you have to know.

Mark

Online Parent Support

I discovered that he had taken my debit card and taken $300 out of my account...

Mark

I really need help here. My 17 year old son, who I have been telling myself is a good kid at heart – but I am just at wits end. He is currently failing a couple of classes, he cuts some classes the absolute maximum number he can without failing (though once he gets to that line, he goes to the classes). He is very, very smart, so it has nothing to do with ability.

Enough background – this morning I discovered that he had taken my debit card and taken $300 out of my account. He has taken money before, but because he was doing so poorly in school, we wanted him to do his school work and not get a job. Obviously, that was a bad decision. He does start work immediately after football camp (which is a requirement for football) on July 1. I will take his paychecks until he has paid me back, but this has got to stop!!!

Can I call the cops and scare him, or is that really bad? I don’t even have a clue how to handle this.

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Hi J.,

Let's slow down...

I want to do what is in your best interest. Thus, the best advice I can give you at this point (since you just got started with the program) is to simply work through the four sessions. Only do one session per week – nothing more! If we try to implement a bunch of new parenting changes too quickly, it will backfire.

I'm not trying to avoid answering your questions. However, since most of the questions you listed in your email will be answered directly in the eBook (mostly in the Online Version), and since the program is designed to take baby-steps toward change, I would encourage you to resist your impulse to leap through the program in search of the "magic bullet." Instead, enjoy the process of working through each session – one session at a time. The results you so desperately desire will come independent of your striving for them. Patience is "key" right now.

Rest assured, you WILL get the answers you need to be successful with this program, but when the timing is right. I would like to save you from rushing into things, and then failing. Is this O.K.?

Your child is 17-years-old. It has taken 17 years for the problems to get to this point. So it is going to take at least a few weeks to get the problems reversed.

We must implement change gradually because change is tough. People don't like change, and kids will totally reject parenting changes if they occur too fast. (This isn't to say that you won't notice any improvements in your child's behavior fairly quickly though.)

As you work through the program, email me as needed for clarification about the strategies outlined in the eBook. Then after the four-week program (after you have digested most of the material), email me again with a specific question regarding any parent-child difficulty you may still be struggling with.

You're not going to "scare" your son with the cops. Don't waste your time with that strategy. Simply set-up a repayment plan (it sounds like you may already have one).

One day at a time,

Mark

P.S. Be sure to watch ALL the Instructional Videos [online version of the eBook].

Struggling every day to get my 8 year old up and ready...

"I am still struggling every day to get my 8 year old up and ready for, well now its day camp, not school. She procrastinates, goes back to bed. I remain calm and don't react, but it’s the struggle every day going thru this. What can I do? What are consequences for this? I have learned and doing very well to keep a poker straight face thru it all. Please advise."

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Develop a bedtime routine. Bedtime routines can be simple—something families can commit to on a nightly basis. After dinner, children have quiet playtime. Then they have a bath, put on pajamas, and have a story read by mom or dad before bedtime at 8 pm. As children get older, they get to help make decisions about the bedtime routine. You can say, ‘You can read a chapter or two or play a game with your sibling, but then it’s lights out.’

Most children do not get enough sleep. How much sleep do they need?

Age	Sleep each day
1-3 years	12-14 hours
3-5 years	11-13 hours
5-12 years	10-11 hours
Teenagers	8.5-9.5 hours
Adults	8 hours

It is recommended that school-aged children get between 10-11 hours of nightly sleep. At bedtime, do not allow your child to have foods or drinks that contain caffeine. This includes chocolate and sodas. Try not to give him or her any medicine that has a stimulant at bedtime. This includes cough medicines and decongestants.

Establish a relaxing setting at bedtime. Follow a consistent bedtime routine. Set aside 10 to 30 minutes to get your child ready to go to sleep each night. Interact with your child at bedtime. Don’t let the TV, computer or video games take your place. Keep your children from TV programs, movies, and video games that are not right for their age.

Also, do not let your 8-year-old stay up late on weekends.

Re: Consequences for not getting up on time. Please refer to the strategy entitled “When You Want Something From Your Kid” [Session #3 – online version of the eBook].

Mark

Join Online Parent Support

How to Stop Sibling-Bullying: Tips for Parents

I have been listening and reading through your material and, so far, I am impressed. With a degree in special education, I have taken several behavioral management courses over the years and I have read several books. This material seems to be written specifically for my family! My son is 13 and the oldest of 5. I definitely notice a difference in my son's behavior when we focus more on the positive and state expectations clearly and specifically.

My husband and I struggle with the ability to remain calm when the actions of my son affect our other 4 children. I try not to blame or accuse because that just leads to an argument and denial. I have tried pointing out to my son that he is tired and perhaps should stay away from his siblings who are "annoying" him until he is not so irritable. However, my son continues to aggravate and instigate which most of the time leads to someone getting hurt physically and/or emotionally. My question is: How do I keep a poker face and redirect or remove my child from a situation that he is hurting others when he simply does not listen?? After I have tried several attempts, I often lose my temper...which is exactly what he wants!! Should I just remove my other children from the situation and try to ignore my son?

My husband and I will continue to read over and listen to your material. I have every confidence that this program will work for us. It says what I have been saying for years...my child is not bad...it is his behavior that needs to be addressed and he needs help in learning how make better choices.

Click here for my response...