He tries to control & dominate his family, peers and school staff...

Dear Mark, for the past couple of years I have been working with JR, as i will refer to him for reasons of confidentiality. I am after some advice as the child is facing exclusion from school due to a catalogue of offences against his peers and staff. He is following dinosaur school programme run by our behaviour services. He can, although he is only 6yrs of age, tell you about all the solutions, problem solving techniques he has learned, although refuses to put into practice. He tries to control & dominate his family, peers and school staff. A simple outing can be a nightmare, he will stop dead in his tracks and hold every-one up refusing to board the bus etc I have tried traffic lights, smiley face book, etc. the list is endless. I have given him instructions to work, if he refuses he gets count of three, instructions repeated then behaviour ignored, this seems to work and he is very bright and has amazing concentration levels and an excellent work rate, but the overwhelming desire to be 'first' to do anything,from line up which i have stopped him doing because he pushes people out of the way, to trying to beat every-one at all cost at snakes & ladders. I play football & shoot baskets with him using a small group of kids who are still willing to play with us. His humour is rude, anything to do with poop, buts,burps gross table manners, which he also has, he finds funny he loves to see a look of disgust as he eats nose contents in front of staff. Time out given he says 'don't care'. we try to reason with him he says 'blah blah. Missed play' time says not bothered, does his time without remorse. I seem to be his only friend, i tried to buddy him up with another bright little boy but he tried to dominate him and stabbed him in the hand with a pencil, needless to say we abandoned that strategy. It is so frustrating as he is so bright and could be a real little star but he just cannot seem to cope with school life, we tried one to one in the after school club but it was too intense as i had to be that step ahead of him all day long avoiding total domination at all times! Any advice on this matter would be truly welcome.

your sincerely, Jane, warn-out support worker!!

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These behavior problems could be the result of many different factors (e.g., genetic & environmental). At first glance, you described a child who (a) is on the receiving end of poor/negative parenting (e.g., a parent who is extremely critical and judgmental), and (b) has Oppositional Defiant Disorder and ADHD.

Has he had a comprehensive psychiatric evaluation yet? If not, this would be an important first step. (I would do some testing to rule out Bipolar Disorder.)

My experience with these children (i.e., children with severely disruptive behavior patterns) is that they eventually misbehave to the point where the parent has to place them in a residential treatment facility for a period of a year or more. Sometimes the best thing for these kids is to be away from their parents for awhile.

Mark

ODD vs. PD

What is the difference between Oppositional Defiant Disorder and a Personality Disorder?



Mark Hutten, M.A.

Stepfathers are often viewed as "second-class citizens"...

Hi Mark... Thanks for the link worked perfectly...with regard the first set of assignments i am struggling a fair bit mentally with applying the Love one.. My Husband is L____'s step father and has struggled with her a great deal from the start of our 8year marriage but more especially the last two years, she is 16... she has HUGE issues around him and for him to start saying he loved her EVERY nite would seem almost mission impossible, from him and she would find it very odd to say the least...even I am finding the whole thing confronting but can give it a good shot... I noticed on the side column of that page u said that it was OK to not say it every nite... What do you think...?? I am assuming that D___ needs to implement all the approaches just as much as I do for the picture to change??

Thanks So much...

Regards B.

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Hi B.,

Unfortunately, stepfathers are often viewed as "second-class citizens" in the eyes of many stepchildren.

The statement "I love you daughter" will have more meaning coming from you rather than her stepfather. However, D___ could occasionally offer a sincere compliment to your daughter that will have a near-equal effect.

In any event, I think it will be O.K. for your husband not to say "I love you" if it will seem awkward and out-of-character for him.

Mark

Online Parent Support

He and his group of friends are starting to drink alcohol...

Hi M.,

I've responded throughout your email below:

Mark,

First of all, thank you for your program. I am beginning session 3 and so far, I've seen some good changes between my 16 year old son and myself. We don't argue nearly as much as we use to. Sometimes I have to catch myself but for the most part, it is getting better. I was definitely the over indulgent parent and am trying to fix my mistakes. I am also a single mom.

My problem with my son is that I believe he and his group of friends are starting to drink alcohol. What is the best way to handle this problem.

==> Please refer to the "Read These Emails From Exasperated Parents" [session #4 - online version]. You will be using "The Six-Step Approach" that is also discussed in session #4.

I've also noticed that his group of friends are changing. Some of the new guys in the group are ones that he has told me that are known drinkers. I am probably a bad person for doing this, but I have read his text messages where some of his friends have talked about getting alcohol or have been drinking themselves and I always check his room or outside where they sometimes camp out to see if there are any cans or bottles. I'm not naive to think that he's never tried drinking but I don't want him to start a bad habit if he hasn't already. If I do catch him drinking or intoxicated what should I do?

==> Again, refer to the areas of the eBook listed above.

My brother who is a probation officer in a different county told me about how a school sold alcohol breath testing things (sorry not sure of the official name) and said he could possibly get me one. I have not talked to my brother about my son's possible drinking.

==> Home breathalyzers are great if your son comes home visibly under the influence or smells of alcohol - and he agrees to the test. But he will not likely submit to testing since you don't have the authority to jail him if he refuses. Also, one shot of whiskey - or a 12 ounce beer - or a 7 ounce glass of wine metabolizes in just one hour, and a breathalyzer test will not detect any alcohol. So you would have to test him fairly quickly.

 
Mark

 
==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

I'm feeling more detached from him each day...

Hi Mark,

Our son, I__, will be 18 next Sunday and will be a high school senior this coming August. I began your program about 10 days ago and have completed the first week. I talked with I__ about our mistakes as parents, we did have dinner together last Sunday and I have attempted to complete the other first week assignments. I have not moved on to week two though because I__ has been gone so much that I have not been able to do the number of repetitions that I'm sure are part of the program. Since school has been out, I__ comes home late (midnight to 1) during the week and later during the weekends. He gets up after I go to work and is gone before I get home from work. There are some days that I never see him. This weekend we asked him to come home by 4 on Saturday and we have not seen him or heard from him since yesterday afternoon. He does not have a job and while he says he is looking for one, I don't believe he is looking very hard. He spends his days "hanging" with his friends. There is not much to take away from him. He no longer has access to a computer (at home), has lost his phone (and the service is turned off) and does have use of a car, which is at home because he has no money for gas.

I would very much like to re-establish a relationship with him so he can live at home while he finishes high school. I'm feeling more detached from him each day and I'm sure he is feeling detached from us as well. He stills calls occasionally to check in. What would you advise as next steps? Also, in Indiana, are all parental rights/responsibilities termed at 18, or do some continue if the student is still in high school?

Appreciate your feedback and suggestions,

C.

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Hi C.,

First of all, to allow him to run …to come and go as he pleases …is a form of over-indulgence. In Session #2 and #3, you’ll find disciplinary strategies to deal with this problem. He needs to be in by curfew – and he needs to be doing some chores around the house (especially since he’s not working).

Re: parental responsibilities. If one of the parents is paying child support, he or she may have to help with college expenses until the adult-child is 21, but other than that, your obligations are met once he reaches the 18.

Mark

Online Parent Support

It just breaks my heart that he won’t open up...

Just wondered if you have any ideas about this. Our 17 year old son, D___, is silent about things that bother him. He won’t say anything about what is going on inside of him. He just got back from a week at church camp. Last year he came back all fired-up and ready to face life. This year he came back no different than he left. Only thing different is he is making an effort to get a normal sleeping pattern. He was staying up till like 4 AM, then sleeping to about 2 PM. So far he has been going to bed at around 12 or 1, and getting up at around 10 or so. He still has no job either. I don’t know what he is interested in other than computer gaming and youth group on Tuesday nights. He doesn’t hang out with friends much though. He does talk to them a lot on the phone and text, of course.

Maybe a little background will help. First off, we home school. Have done this since D___ was in the 5th grade. We are from Illinois but moved to Kentucky 4 years ago. He was very upset with this. Our other son will be 13 next month and didn’t want to move either. We got thru it but these 4 years have been the toughest I have ever faced. Also, our boys are adopted. They are half-brothers (have different fathers). We have had D___ since he was 3, and Jared since birth.

Is there any way we can help D___ open up? I never degrade my boys or anything like that. I don’t know why he won’t talk. And he says he don’t and won’t talk to anyone else about it either. He has always been the quiet type.

One other thing. A year or so ago I read a post on his MySpace where he mentioned that he came close to committing suicide once. He had the knife out and everything and then his cell phone rang. It was a girl he cared much about and that stopped him. I spoke with him about it later. He said it happened not long after we moved here. I asked him if he had looked back and realized all he would have missed if he had gone thru with it. He said yes and “That would have sucked!” So that is a plus. I told him that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I encouraged him that when things got rough he needed to get with someone and talk it out. If not me then find someone else he could trust and confide in. Just talk it out. I assured him that I loved him very much and that I would never laugh at him about anything he had to say. I know the story he came up with could be fabricated just for MySpace but D___ isn’t really like that. He almost always tells the truth and when he doesn’t he eventually gets around to it (usually soon).

It just breaks my heart that he won’t open up. And at times I get a bit fearful when he is depressed but yet won’t talk. He has something against me. I tried to find out what it is but he won’t say. And I don’t know if he would go with me to see a counselor if that is needed.

He is a really good kid. Both of them are. But teens are so hard to figure out. I don’t remember ever being like this myself.

Anyway, would appreciate any comments you might have.

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Hi D.,

We could spend the rest of the afternoon trying to figure out why your son is in a shell. His behavior is multi-factorial (e.g., his genetic make-up, his personality make-up, environmental factors, etc.).

The bottom line is that he will grow out of this -- and there isn't much you can do in the meantime (other than to simply reassure him that he is loved).

Don't take this behavior personally.

Mark

Online Parent Support

A great week...

Hi,

Just wanted to fill you in on a great week. We have implemented our son's chores, and he is doing them with no fuss. I do hope this continues, but am prepared if we run in to problems, which I know from experience is surely possible around here!

Am continuing reading and listening to program.

Thanks so much.

Have nice weekend,

S.

Online Parent Support