Runaway & Pregnant Daughter

Dear Mark Hutten,

I don't want to alienate my runaway daughter; I don't want to enable her. I haven't seen her since Wednesday morning. She does text me. I can't practice your principles because she's not here to practice them on. I want her to come home at night. When she has the baby, around Thanksgiving, I want to help her raise her and not have her dragging the baby around as she hangs out with whomever. I know where she works, I know approximately where her new lover lives. We own the title on her car. I need specific strategies and approaches, please.

Thank you,

A.

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Hi A.,

Runaway teens, seemingly unmanageable, desperate, desolate, lonely AND alone… they run, in one of two directions:

1. Away from something, someone, a bad situation, perceived threat, disciplined unloving and/or abusive, or in more complex cases of troubled teen run-aways a loving home environment where there are for them, in their minds no real future; or maybe in the other direction.

2. Towards something, the unknown, safety, a life where they can live according to their own rules, not answering to anyone else, where they can be independent, make the rules, be their own boss, independence and freedom to do as they please and answer to no-one… the list could go on and on hypothetically speaking.

Teens who run away from home are often crying for attention. Some teens will attempt to run away just once, after an unusually heated argument or situation in the household, and return shortly after. More serious cases, however, happen with teens in extreme emotional turmoil.

Parents also need to be extremely aware of the symptoms, warning signs and dangers of teenage depression. Far too many teens are suffering from this disease and going untreated. Often, runaways feel they have no other choice but to leave their home, and this is in many cases related to their feelings of sadness, anger and frustration due to depression.

Teens who become runaways will have shown symptoms and warning signs prior to running away. Knowing these signs is the first step to prevention; the second is learning how to prevent symptoms all together. Communication is KEY!
Here are concrete prevention tips:

• Always use direct eye contact when speaking.

• Anger is difficult to subside. However, it is important to never raise your voice or yell/scream at your teen, especially when they are already doing so. A battle of strength doesn't get anyone anywhere.

• If both parents are involved in the conversation, it is very important to take turns, rather than gang up on your teen together. Make sure each parent allows time for your teen to speak in between.

• If your teen is demanding or threatening you, be sure to get professional advice or help from a qualified mental health professional.

• Keep a calm demeanor and insist that your teen does as well. Do not respond to their anger, but instead, wait until they are calm.

• Keep in mind that it is possible to agree with your teen, without doing whatever they want you to. For example, you might agree that there are little differences between 17 year-olds and 21 year-olds, but that doesn't mean you agree with having a party serving alcohol at your house.

• Let's say you are sure you understand your teen's point of view and they understand you understand. If you still don't agree with their statement, tell your teen "I think I understand, but I do not agree. I want to think we can understand each other, but we don't have to agree."

• Make sure that you comprehend what your teen is saying, and when you do, let them know. Simply stating "I understand" can go a long way to making your teen feel as though you are respecting their feelings and thoughts, as well as taking them in to consideration.

• NEVER interrupt your teenager when they are speaking or trying to explain their feelings or thoughts. Even if you completely disagree, it is important to wait until they have finished. Keep in mind that just listening and using the words "I understand" does not mean that you agree or will do what they want.

• Never use threats or dare your teen to run away, even if you think they wouldn't do it.

• Refrain from using sarcasm or negativity that may come off as disrespect for your teen.

• Take a break if you get too overwhelmed or upset to continue the conversation with a calm attitude.

• Talk less, slower, and use fewer words than your teen.

• Under no circumstances should you use derogatory names, labels or titles such as liar, childish, immature, untrustworthy, cruel, stupid, ignorant, punk, thief or brat. Continue to be respectful of your teen, even if they have been disrespectful to you.

• When your teen has finished speaking, ask politely if they have anything else they'd like to talk about or share with you.

If your teen runs away—

• Call every one of your teenagers friends. Talk to their parents first, not the friend. Teenagers tend to stick together and will not always tell you the truth. The parents will tell you if they've heard their child talking to yours on the phone and it will also alert them to watch for what their child is doing.

• Call your local Juvenile Detention Officer and ask for their help in finding out your rights concerning what you may or may not do if you find your child yourself.

• Call your local television stations. Many today are more than willing to run stories on missing teens since so many have been lured from home by 'friends' they met online.

• Check any local weeklies and online community papers; they are usually more than willing to help.

• Contact your teenager's friends, their parents, and school staff. Express concern and clearly state your willingness to work out any problems that might exist.

• Do not "storm" a relatively safe place that your child might be staying. If they run out the back door you'll have no idea where they are. They might also run to a less safe harbor.

• Do not threaten the school, friends, or parents. These people may be potential allies. They are the most likely to help if they understand, that you are willing to listen to your child and be open to other perspectives. Even though you're very worried, remain calm. Threatening statements or making accusations only reinforces the notion that you are an unreasonable person. If you have reason to believe that specific individuals are harming your child, pass that information onto the police.

• Go straight to the local authorities, be it police station or sheriff's office. Take with you the flyers you have made up, a copy of the id, color pictures and digital pictures on a floppy. Get in their faces. Do not just make phone calls, be there in person. Drive them nuts until they do something. Make them understand that you are a concerned parent and that you will not let them ignore the fact that YOUR child is missing.

• If your teenager is gone for over 24 hours, or if you have reason to suspect foul play, call the police.

• Make sure they list your runaway in the national database.

• Make sure you follow up and stay in touch with parents and the police. They are your best bet in finding your child and bringing them home.

• Make up one-page flyers that have a clear picture of your child's face and all information you have. Height, weight, age, last seen, etc.

• Post your flyers everywhere kids meet. Phone booths, soda machines, local hangouts, grocery stores, anywhere and everywhere that will let you.

• Put out the word asking that your teenager check in, just to let you know they are safe. You may want to offer an alternative contact of an adult you both know and trust.

• When you get home, call your local paper and ask if they will run a description and picture of your child. Tell them you will either bring them a flyer or email the information. Whichever option they prefer. Beg if you have to.

Regarding teen runaways, know that:

· 40% of runaways return home at their own initiative

· 50% stay within 1-10 miles of home

· 60% percent of runaway episodes last 1-3 days

· Forcing a child to come home without resolving the problem is likely to result in another runaway incident.

· The majority of teenagers who run do so because of a problem they perceive to be unsolvable

I hope this helps,

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

Anger Management Classes for Mad Teen

Hi Mark,

What is your opinion? There is a place here in Memphis called Exchange Club Family Center, they have programs to help end family violence. They have a 10 week anger management program for adolescent males (they attend 1 x per week). Do you think this would be helpful, or a waste of time? Of course, we will continue your program.

Thanks for advice.

S.

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Anger Management classes for your teenager is just another "traditional" parenting strategy that will have little bang for your buck. In too many cases, any form of counseling (other than family counseling) makes a bad problem worse, because the teenager feels he is being singled out as "the problem" and reacts accordingly.

I would strongly suggest you stick with Online Parent Support for now.

Don't get distracted,

Mark

Room-Cleaning Solution

Mark-

Thanks for the advice. I did as you said: My 11-year-old S___ refused to clean-up his room ...so I had my 9-year-old C___ do it, and then deducted a portion of S___'s allowance and paid C___ .

S___ was not happy that C___ was in his room and that most of his allowance went to C___. But guess what, I don't the problem of S___ refusing to clean his room anymore.

Thanks for your help on this one,

S.D.

I have a meeting with the principle next Fri to try and formulate a long term plan to manage her in the classroom...

Hi Mark,

Hope things are going well with you.

I have received A___'s latest school report and the comments from teachers are similar to past years. These include "A___ lacks persistent concentration and is easily distracted by those around her..." and " ...she could make better use of her time when she first arrives at school and would do well to develop effective routines so that she is ready to begin learning rather than involving herself in disputes with others. A___ is encouraged to develop an awareness of how her actions might be unintentionally affecting and antagonising others...modify her own behavior to resolve or avoid conflict...increase her usage of the Mathletics website to extend her ability with regard to speed and accuracy in Maths...easily distracted during share and show sessions..." and the list goes on.

I have a meeting with the principle next Fri to try and formulate a long term plan to manage her in the classroom and I really don't know where to start. All these "A___ needs to" comments are all very well but how do we achieve this? I can't get her to do any homework without a fuss. At home she displays traits of ADHD (inattention, impulsivity and hyperactivity) but I don't have a formal diagnosis. We are managing her behavior at home as per your e-book as you know. At school she is disruptive and inattentive but not to the degree she is at home. She is certainly antagonistic and rude to the kids at school and has no special friends as a result, and although I do try and have kids over to play there are always problems in relation to her immature behavior and it is quite exhausting for me.

I don't want to make the teachers defensive by trying to suggest that A___ needs a management plan at school but her efforts in each subject have gone from being "exemplary" to just "satisfactory" over the last 2 years, the comments take up more room than they used to and I think her grades are going to be affected as time moves on (Maths has dropped from an A to a B this past six months but Literacy is holding at A for the present).

Do you think I am doing the right thing by meeting with the principle? Am I over reacting and should I just let things slide without worrying too much at this time? Can I formulate a plan without offending anyone?

I'd really appreciate you thoughts.

Thanks Mark,

L.

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Hi L.,

Re: Do you think I am doing the right thing by meeting with the principle? Yes.

Re: Am I over reacting and should I just let things slide without worrying too much at this time? I don’t think you are over-reacting.

Re: Can I formulate a plan without offending anyone? Possibly.

Your plan should really be the teacher’s plan. You can come up with a plan, but the teachers will be the ones who will have to implement it. It would be better if they came up with their own plan.

Here are some suggestions:

Any teacher can institute the following suggestions, even without formal student classification:

1. Learn about ADHD. Typically, teachers in the higher grades have a harder time "believing" in the condition. The older students no longer appear physically hyperactive. Organization and planning problems are frequently misinterpreted as lack of preparation and motivation. The school special education staff should have materials for classroom teachers.

2. Don't take the ADHD behaviors as personal challenges. The answer to the question "Why can't she listen to me like all of the other children?" is that she can't turn off her ADHD at will. It isn't personal.

3. Provide help for deficits at the moment it is needed, not negative feedback when it is already too late. Unfortunately, the simple reality is that punishment does not usually teach the needed behaviors to ADHD kids. This is because many children with ADHD have difficulty "doing what they know," not "knowing what to do." They already "know," for example, that they should come to class prepared. Once we understand that punishment has not been working, we are ready to provide relief for their disabilities by guiding them at the moment guidance is needed-rather than continued disbelief that they did it wrong again.

4. Presenting Material to ADHD Children:

· Alert child's attention with phrases such as "This is important."

· Allow physically hyperactive children out of their seats to hand out and pick up papers, etc.

· Break down longer directions into simpler chunks.

· Check for comprehension.

· Encourage students to mark incorrect multiple-choice answers with an "x" first. This allows them to "get started" quickly, while forcing them to read all of the choices before making a final selection.

· Encourage students to underline the key words of directions.

· Establish good eye contact.

· Have child sit in the front of the class.

· Tap on the desk (or use other code) to bring the child back into focus.

5. Organizational Help:

1. Recognize that disorganization is a major disability for almost everyone with ADHD. In fact, it is difficult to diagnose ADHD in the absence of organizational problems. Yes, ADHD students can - and frequently do - write a wonderful paper and then forget to hand it in. This striking unevenness in skills is what makes it a learning disability.

2. Ensure that parents and child all know the correct assignment. Yes, most students can take this responsibility upon themselves. Those with ADHD, though, usually cannot. It is unfair and counter-productive to let intelligent students flounder because of this disability. Once informed of the needed work, the child is still responsible to work (with his/her parents) to get it done. The following options can be used. This part will take work, especially to keep the system going:

i. Inform about typical routines (such as vocabulary quizzes on Fridays).

ii. Hand out written assignments for the week; or,

iii. Initial student's homework assignment pads after each period. Please do not expect the student to come up after class for the signature on their own. If they were organized enough to do that, we would not need to be doing this. And, yes, the typical student is organized enough to come to the teacher; but this is not the typical student.

3. Notify family immediately of any late assignments by one of following. Waiting for mid-term notices is too late to correct the problem, and too late for the student to behaviorally notice the connection between his/her performance and the consequences.

i. A phone call or e-mail takes the child out of the loop, and works best.

ii. The parent could call the team leader/guidance counselor each week for an update.

iii. The parent could mail weekly a card to each teacher. The card would simply have spaces for missed work and comments, and is dropped back into the mail.

4. Allow for expedient make up of late or incorrectly done homework. If deduction for lateness actually works to correct the problem, then keep doing it; if not, recognize the problem as a currently uncorrectable disability. In such a case, the work does need to be completed, but is not fair for a persistent organizational disability to cause excessive and demoralizing deductions. If, for some reason, it is necessary to give an "F" for incomplete work, remember that an F is 65, not 0. Trying to get a quarter decent grade while averaging in a "0" or two is virtually impossible. A grade of "0" is excessive and counter-productive.

6. Simple accommodations for other frequently associated problems:

1. Dysgraphia (hand writing problems)

i. Use of a computer.

ii. Graph paper helps line up math problems.

iii. Provide a copy of class notes, or arrange for peer to make carbon copy.

iv. Minimize deductions for neatness and spelling. Instead, give extra points for neatness.

2. Dyscalculia (math problems)

i. Liberal use of a calculator.

ii. Consider doing every other problem if homework takes too long.

You may want to use these suggestions as a starting point as you work with the principal to create a “plan.”

Mark

Online Parent Support

The issue is that she gave oral sex to a boy she knows...

Hello Mark,

Last Friday I sent you an e-mail re snooping on my daughter's myspace and im accounts. You advised me that this was okay. Thank you SO much. But since I am a category 2, ie. stealth mode mom, how do I confront her with the information I've gleaned? I had suggested sending my husband and me an anonymous letter tipping us off as a way to open a dialogue with her. What do you think? The issue is that she gave oral sex to a boy she knows, but doesn't particularly like (this after she did this with her first love this winter who then dumped her, and broke her heart). Since I discovered this most recent event of last week, I snooped again and learned it was possibly two guys, not just the one. Various guys who she knows through school are IMing her and asking her about it, how many times, etc. One guy, who would like to date her but she doesn't want to, asked if they could be "friends with benefits". And her answer was", Idk , maybe!!!!!. In some of the emails and IMs I read she is upset that people know and are talking about it. You mentioned that girls with low self esteem often respond to incidents like the one with her boyfriend this winter by withdrawing socially but she definitely is not-she seems to be self destructing. Please, please, help me to help her. I am just so heartbroken by this and do not know what to do.

Sincerely, A.

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Hi A.,

Re: I had suggested sending my husband and me an anonymous letter tipping us off as a way to open a dialogue with her. What do you think?

I think she will deny your “allegations.” Then what will you say (short of telling her that you’ve been snooping – and thus know what the truth REALLY is)?

Rather than trying to catch her in a lie, you may want to talk to her about sex (that’s really what this whole thing is mostly about).

In addition, I would recommend that you simply monitor/limit computer use:

• Do buy some kind of Internet filtering program.
• Do know how to check her Internet History.
• Do start a conversation with your kid about Internet safety.
• Don't let her have a webcam for ANY reason.
• Don't let her have a wireless laptop in their room.
• Don't let her have an Internet accessible computer in their room.
• Make a behavior contract with your daughter. This will enable her to know what you expect of her behavior while online, as well as the consequences for violating the contract.

I've listed some of the best programs on the net that will help you with this dilemma. Check each one out and see which is best for your needs.

· Working secretly in the background, CYBERsitter analyzes all Internet activity. Whenever it detects activity the parent has elected to restrict, it takes over and blocks the activity before it takes place. If desired, CYBERsitter will maintain a complete history of all Internet activity, including attempts to access blocked material. Strictly 32-bit, CYBERsitter 97 is designed for Windows 95 and Windows NT exclusively.

· Net Nanny allows you to deal with: WWW URLs, News Groups, IRC Channels, FTPs, E-mail, Non-Internet BBSs, Words, Phrases, Personal Information (address, credit card no. etc.) It's a complete Internet and PC management tool. Runs with all the major online providers too! Note: Does not currently run on MACs.

· Cyber Patrol allows those responsible for children to restrict access to certain times of day, limit the total time spent on-line in a day, and block access to Internet sites they deem inappropriate. Cyber Patrol also can be used to control access to the major on-line services and to local applications such as games and personal financial managers.

Good luck,

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

He says he’s not coming back home...

My 16 year old is smoking weed and he knows i have 0 tolerance for this behavior so he moves in with his dad that has major drug issues himself so therefore he has no guidance. What do I do? He says he’s not coming back home and doesn't answer or return my calls.....HELP!!!

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Hi C.,

I would allow him to stay with his father. Of course, it will be highly likely that the two of them will have a major blowout at some point, at which time your son will want to return to your house. Then you’ll have some leverage (i.e., able to enforce the “no pot smoking” policy in your home).

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

I have an 18 year-old daughter who left home for 10 days after an argument...

I have an 18 year-old daughter who left home for 10 days after an argument. We thought she was staying with girlfriends. We found out she was staying with a 26 yr-old boyfriend that we never had met. Our niece told us that he was in jail for drug pushing. He bought her things and gave her a place to stay. I found her walking down the street last night and insisted that she come home. She did and threatened to leave home as soon as she could to be with him - because he makes her happy and does not pressure her like we do. What should be our next move? Should we take away her stuff? In particular her cell phone to try to find a phone number or where this guy lives. Or is it too late since she is legally an adult?

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Hi B.,

Re: What should be our next move?

Help her move out.

Re: Should we take away her stuff?

No. She’s an adult now that needs to begin the process of leaving the nest.

Re: Or is it too late since she is legally an adult?

I think you have bigger fish to fry than worrying about her boyfriend. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to help her move out.

Remember, self-reliance is key. Whenever in doubt, ask yourself, “Will the decision I’m about to make foster the development of self-reliance – or inhibit it?” Clearly, keeping her from moving out will inhibit such development.

I understand you have heard that her “boyfriend” is a pusher. However, she will need to learn some life-lessons and make up her own mind whether or not this guy is the person she really wants to “hang” with. Don’t save her from this opportunity to learn a valuable lesson. She may fall …she may want to return home. If so, let her return briefly – then get busy helping her move out on her own again -- or help her begin college.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Adult Child