We've both cried the past couple of hours at how destructive our "parenting" has been...

Dear Mark,

My wife and I are finishing Lesson #1. My God!!! We've been the worst kind of indulgent parents, thinking all the time that we were doing the good thing for our son. Quite frankly, we've both cried the past couple of hours at how destructive our "parenting" has been. Just the opposite of what we wanted. Your program is 100% on the money in terms of describing the issues. Glad we found your site, and hope it's not too late.

As some additional background, up until 2 1/2 years ago, I was heavily engaged with my son. We played paintball, R__ raced BMX for 6 years, has won 5 national championships and we spent 2-3 days a week at the track and traveling out of town to races, fishing, camping. 2 1/2 years ago, because of financial issues, I took a job with an emergency management agency that has me traveling across the U.S. for 6-7 months at a time with only a week or two in between. I feel so bad! I see now that in spite of my good intentions, I essentially abandoned my boy, hence his hooking up with this "friend" of his. His attitude is sullen, he's unhappy, angry, dresses like a skin head, and is lying to us, chippying with marijuana (we've had him drug tested). In spite of our apprehension, my wife and I are anxious to get our son back. Below is a set of expectations we've come up with. Are we on the right track?

Thanks,

B. & A.


ISSUES FOR R__


EXPECTATIONS

Chores:

1. Hang up towels after taking a shower.
2. Pick up dirty clothes and put them in hamper.
3. Keep your bathroom neat.
4. Keep your room picked up. Clean and vacuum your room once a week.
5. Take out trash, including emptying your bathroom wastebasket.
6. Keep truck clean. Clean inside and out once a week.
7. Help with dinner cleanup as requested.
8. After a meal, pick-up/scrape dishes and put in sink.

Allowance: For consistently doing chores, you will earn $15.00 a week. To earn additional money, ask us for things you can do around the house. (Wash windows, wash the van, etc.)

Behavior:

1. That you will not drink alcohol.
2. That you will not do drugs.
3. That you will not steal, or be with people who do steal.
4. That you will be honest and “do what’s right” even if no one is watching. Think independently. Say “no” to friends who want to involve you in illegal behavior.
5. That you will be respectful of your mother and me and other adults.
6. That you will be home at the designated time and will abide by set curfew.
7. That you will complete school and homework as required.
8. Self respect for your health, appearance, physical well being.

Consequences:

Violation of the above house rules will result in “consequences”. These consequences will include:

1. Loss of phone privileges.
2. Loss of driving privileges.
3. Loss of television privileges.
4. Loss of video game privileges.
5. Loss of freedom (grounding). Earn freedom by accepting discipline, reasonable expectations, and a positive attitude.

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Hi B.,

Re: Are we on the right track?

I think this is largely on track. Some things fall into the "gray area," which simply means there are multiple ways to do it right.

My biggest concern with what I hear from you so far is that you may be moving to fast. I've said it before, but let me repeat: Only implement session #1 assignments in week one ...session #2 assignments in week two ...and so on.

Slow down a bit. Working too hard to make up for lost time may result in more lost time.

Mark

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Thank you Mark.

You're right, we were so anxious for change we jumped the gun. Will "back off" a bit and take it a week at a time. Surprisingly, we had a good conversation with him last night. And, while normally towels and clothes are consistently left on the bathroom and bedroom floor, he picked up and straightened his bathroom and bedroom. We gave him lots of praise and as you mentioned, he seems a bit confused. Can't decide if he wants to be angry or accepting. Will continue to work the program. Thanks again for the hope.

B. & A.

My Out-of-Control Teen

I want to believe this was the turning point but have been crushed too many times and don't know the right answer...

Mark,

It only took 6 weeks of being off probation and now M is in deep trouble. He did start school on time and was going (did miss one day). He is cont to stay out most weekends and we have no clue who with, where, or doing what. He did buy his own pay as you go phone (will not share the number with us).

Friday he was gone when we got home (as usual). We had a fundraiser to attend and didn't get home until past midnight. He was still gone, but had to work the next morning so we figured he had a ride. I get a call from him @ 4am from the local police station. He is being charged with "home invasion 3rd degree" and going to the county jail. Of course he only admits to taking a bike from a garage (confirmed that it was garages only and not entering houses) but told wrong is wrong. Lately garages have been entered and things taken from cars--GPS, Laptops, I-pods etc. Not sure if he is involved with this or not.

Because he is 17 and considered an adult in MI we are totally in the dark. He was arraigned and had prelim hearing without us being notified. Bail is $5000, and we are not planning on getting him out unless we can't stand it. His next hearing is Monday. He is calling us constantly to bail him out--he is changed, etc. Husband is starting to cave, g'ma thinks I'm a callous heartless Mother. Other friends/colleagues think we should let him be. It is becoming extremely difficult to hold firm with this. Husband also saying he may go post bond with or without my consent/approval since he is the major wage earner. We kept telling M he would be responsible for any other problems since he was considered an adult, and he kept saying he was 17, didn't have any rules and could do whatever he wanted. School counselor says he can make up any missed work, but would be very difficult to accomplish and his opinion is to post bond. We would at least like to see the police report and be able to talk to his court appointed atty, if possible to help us better determine his involvement (impossible at this point due to his age).

Visiting isn't until Sunday (we opted to not go this past Sunday when he really only wanted us to go in order to bring his girlfriend) His latest phone call was to use his life savings (about $500) and call a bail bondsman. He also says he has information for the police that he needs to share with them before XYZ kid gets out of jail. All of this is starting to wear me down.

Mark, what is the best thing? I do want him to go to school now and not miss any more (he got 5 A's and 1 B last semester). I don't want more upheaval in my home--is it likely to get worse if we continue to refuse? How would you feel about this latest offer? Is 4-5 days in jail (for now) enough? He may get additional jail time depending if the charges are dealt down, and what his sentence would be and all that would be out of our control anyways. Is he ready for change or is this just because it's too uncomfortable? He has been in the youth home 4 times--2 domestic violence (1 day then 3 days) then 2 probation violations (24 days and 3 days) and NEVER called us and now is calling constantly begging us to help him out.

I want to believe this was the turning point but have been crushed too many times and don't know the right answer. Please help.

He still has no privileges--no car, no license, no job (lost this due to being held in jail and missing work), pay as you go phone, no laundry services, etc. Does have a laptop and i-pod (gifts) and don't want him ruining my computer. We don't drive him (Dad will drive him but to/from work only).

Again, thanks

J

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Hi J.,

Re: Mark, what is the best thing?

I think you may already know what I'm going to say here. To bail him out is to return to over-indulgent parenting, which will have a negative consequence associated with it -- for both you and your husband.

Re: I don't want more upheaval in my home--is it likely to get worse if we continue to refuse?

To refuse to bail? In the short run, possibly. But in the long run, no. He will get a much better life-lesson sitting behind bars than he will sitting at a desk.

Re: How would you feel about this latest offer? Is 4-5 days in jail (for now) enough?

Maybe.

Re: Is he ready for change or is this just because it's too uncomfortable?

He's sincere while his in jail. But without some serious discomfort, his sincerity will be short lived.

If it only took 6 weeks for him to forget about being on probation, how long do you think it will be before he forgets he was incarcerated (in the event that you bail him out)?

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

I was on the verge of asking my 16 year old young lady to leave and find a new place to live...

Hello Mark,

Thank you for your contact. This morning I was on the verge of asking my 16 year old young lady to leave and find a new place to live.

After watching and reading the first part of your advice I feel MUCH stronger.

I don't want to lose my daughter, I want her back fighting for MY team not the team of rudeness and emotional emptiness she seems to be in.

Thank you!!

I.

Online Parent Support

16 year-old son is hangin' with the wrong crowd...

Mark,

Just joined today. Your program is very perceptive. Unfortunately, my wife and I see ourselves in these descriptions of over indulgence. Current problem is with our 16 year old son hanging with the wrong crowd. Suggestions on how to break him out? Thanks for any help.

B.

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Hi B.,

Everyone needs to belong — to feel connected with others and be with others who share attitudes, interests, and circumstances that resemble their own. People choose friends who accept and like them and see them in a favorable light.

Teenagers want to be with people their own age — their peers. During adolescence, teenagers spend more time with their peers and without parental supervision. With peers, teenagers can be both connected and independent, as they break away from their moms and dads' images of them and develop identities of their own.

While many families help teenagers in feeling proud and confident of their unique traits, backgrounds, and abilities, peers are often more accepting of the feelings, thoughts, and actions associated with the teen's search for self-identity.

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The influence of peers — whether positive or negative — is of critical importance in your son's life. Whether you like it or not, the opinions of your son's peers often carry more weight than yours.

The ability to develop healthy friendships and peer relationships depends on a teen's self-identity, self-esteem, and self-reliance.

At its best, peer pressure can mobilize your son's energy, motivate for success, and encourage your son to conform to healthy behavior. Peers can and do act as positive role models. Peers can and do demonstrate appropriate social behaviors. Peers often listen to, accept, and understand the frustrations, challenges, and concerns associated with being a teenager.

The need for acceptance, approval, and belonging is vital during the teen years. Teenagers who feel isolated or rejected by their peers — or in their family — are more likely to engage in risky behaviors in order to fit in with a group. In such situations, peer pressure can impair good judgment and fuel risk-taking behavior, drawing a teen away from the family and positive influences and luring into dangerous activities.

For example, teenagers with ADHD, learning differences or disabilities are often rejected due to their age-inappropriate behavior, and thus are more likely to associate with other rejected and/or delinquent peers. Some experts believe that teenage girls frequently enter into sexual relationships when what they are seeking is acceptance, approval, and love.

A powerful negative peer influence can motivate a teen to make choices and engage in behavior that his or her values might otherwise reject. Some teenagers will risk being grounded, losing their moms and dads' trust, or even facing jail time, just to try and fit in or feel like they have a group of friends they can identify with and who accept them. Sometimes, teenagers will change the way they dress, their friends, give up their values or create new ones, depending on the people they hang around with.

Some teenagers harbor secret lives governed by the influence of their peers. Some — including those who appear to be well-behaved, high-achieving teenagers when they are with adults — engage in negative, even dangerous behavior when with their peers.

Once influenced, teenagers may continue the slide into problems with the law, substance abuse, school problems, authority defiance, gang involvement, etc.

If your son associates with people who are using drugs or displaying self-destructive behaviors, then he is probably doing the same.

It is important to encourage friendships among teenagers. We all want our children to be with persons who will have a positive influence, and stay away from persons who will encourage or engage in harmful, destructive, immoral, or illegal activities.

Moms and dads can support positive peer relationships by giving their teenagers their love, time, boundaries, and encouragement to think for themselves.

Specifically, moms and dads can show support by:

• Being genuinely interested in your son's activities. This allows moms and dads to know their teen's friends and to monitor behavior, which is crucial in keeping teenagers out of trouble. When misbehavior does occur, moms and dads who have involved their children in setting family rules and consequences can expect less flack from their children as they calmly enforce the rules. Moms and dads who, together with their children, set firm boundaries and high expectations may find that their children's abilities to live up to those expectations grow.
• Encouraging independent thought and expression. In this way, teenagers can develop a healthy sense of self and an enhanced ability to resist peer pressure.
• Having a positive relationship with your son. When parent-teen interactions are characterized by warmth, kindness, consistency, respect, and love, the relationship will flourish, as will the teen's self-esteem, mental health, spirituality, and social skills.

You may not be comfortable about your son's choice of friends or peer group. This may be because of their image, negative attitudes, or serious behaviors (such as alcohol use, drug use, truancy, violence, sexual behaviors).

Here are some suggestions:

• Check whether your concerns about their friends are real and important.
• Do not attack your child's friends. Remember that criticizing your son's choice of friends is like a personal attack.
• Encourage reflective thinking by helping your son think about his actions in advance and discussing immediate and long-term consequences of risky behavior.
• Encourage your son's independence by supporting decision-making based on principles and not other people.
• Get to know the friends of your son. Learn their names, invite them into your home so you can talk and listen to them, and introduce yourself to their moms and dads.
• Help your son understand the difference between image (expressions of youth culture) and identity (who he is).
• If you believe your concerns are serious, talk to your teenager about behavior and choices -- not the friends.
• Keep the lines of communication open and find out why these friends are important to your teenager.
• Let your son know of your concerns and feelings.
• Remember that we all learn valuable lessons from mistakes.

No matter what kind of peer influence your son faces, he must learn how to balance the value of going along with the crowd (connection) against the importance of making principle-based decisions (independence).

And you must ensure that your son knows that he is loved and valued as an individual at home.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

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What direction do I go in?

Hi Mark

We went for counselling tonight and it was a mess.

The counsellor asked how we were doing and C___ said he was fine. Then he asked me why I was so quiet. I said that C___ doesn't really want me to really talk. The counsellor said that there was a wall up between us. I said that I was upset that he stole the car and that there was a trust issue. That was what set off C___. He said that I brought up to him on the phone the other night when I asked him how he was doing with his issue with drugs and was what the counsellor was helping with working for him. He said that it was very hard and I said maybe he should be around the kids that do not use and that would make it easier and he got mad. Tonight he told the counsellor that that made him upset, that I make him upset and the counsellor told him that nobody can make you upset if you don't let them that is your feelings. He used the example of the alcoholic that drinks and says to his wife I drink because you bug me about drinking. Then he got mad at the counsellor and said he didn't want to be here. (He had been calling for a week asking when that appointment was.) C___ asked my husband a question about why he had to leave our house and my husband was trying to explain and C___ cut him off. The counsellor said to C___ you asked your Dad a question but you don't want to hear the answer you cut him off. C___ said that is the way I talks that he asks a question that is how he is. I explained or tried to explain that every action has a reaction and that his behaviour is something I could not tolerate in our home. He told the counsellor that when I see him that he is myr son and she doesn't even give him a hug. C___ started to cry and asked my husband to drive him home. All the way home C___ cried. He told my husband that I keep bringing up all the stuff that went on in the last few months. He said that he didn't want to talk to us and not to call or anything. He said that when he was living here that I was always on his case, I was getting calls from the school that he wasn't showing up for class, he was hanging out at a friends place all day, he wouldn't go to tutoring and I would have to pay for the missed session. I basically was to keep my mouth shut and let him do what he wanted to do that he was running the show. He wasn't going to his co-op job placement for school, no homework was being done, he was lipping off to me. He also brought up that I went and talked to his friends parents about what was going on, ie. that their kids were in my house when I was on vacation, that is break and enter, and that they were in the car and if the police had to do a check on the vehicle and find it, those kids would have been charged and had a criminal record, but the police would not lay charges because the car came right back.

I stayed for the rest of the counselling session the counsellor said that I am looking at C___ and seeing the same things I saw in my dad. My dad was a violent alcoholic and I have to get past this and see C___ as C___.

When I left the session, I went over to C___'s and he was still crying. He told me that he was upset that I didn't come over to the house that he was staying at and ask him to come home. He doesn't like living in the townhouse with these other kids. He didn't like living at his friend's home with the mother that got him out of detox and the same mother that signed the lease for the townhouse. Now he says that he is stuck there for a year until the lease is up. I was suppose to coming running after him and after he did all these bad things to us and ask him to come home. He also said he was upset that I had taken all of his things away, cell phone, computer etc. just before he left, hey I was following the program. It seems that every time a counsellor disagrees with him and points something out he get mad and quits. The counsellor said that he wants my love not my criticism. I think C___ has a problem with authority.

One day last month I went to the coffee shop and came out and my car had a big scratch on it. That night C___ came over to the house to say hi and then out of the blue said, you have to admit Mom that when ever I used your car I always took good care of it, did I, did I. Wow, I wondered if he know or if he scratched the car. Later that week, I came home and there was this tshirt with a big knot in the middle of it I thought this is weird, I opened the tshirt up and there was pieces of glass tied up in this tshirt. My neighbour said that she just saw a car with teenagers back out of my drive way but didn't see who was in it. This all happened before C___ went on a bender and showed up at our door in the middle of the night crying to get him help.

Since I emailed you, I have been using the 30 second rule saying hi, love you etc. and quickly leaving. I dropped a few things off apples, melon, carrots and he said to me on Saturday, thank you so much, I appreciate it and it was nice seeing you, what time is counselling.

Now today after the session what direction do I go in?

Any insight in to this kid from what you have seen?


A.

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A.,

"Counseling" is just another traditional parenting strategy that tends to make a bad problem worse (and you're hearing this from a counselor).

I would say that YOU received a natural consequence for making the choice to involve your son in counseling.

Counseling does not work for a strong-willed teen because he thinks that the parent is blaming HIM for all the family's problems (e.g., "My mom thinks there is something 'wrong' with me ...she's trying to 'fix' me...").

Re: Now today after the session what direction do I go in?

First, I'd question whether or not I was wasting money on counseling. If you son feels like he needs "talk therapy", I'm sure he'll tell you so.

Second, continue doing what you've been doing with one important caveat: Every time you see your son, make it a habit to say things that boost his confidence (e.g., "You're more than capable of making it on your own ...you've got what it takes to be a productive adult in society ...I've got confidence in you ...I love you son..."). Find a thousand different ways to say the above over the next several months - and even years. Eventually he will come to believe your words of encouragement.

Third, don't fall for the guilt trips. A soon as you begin to "feel sorry" for your son, you run the risk of returning to over-indulgent parenting (and I don't think you're one to move backward rather than forward).

Mark

Online Parent Support

School Refusal vs. Truancy

My daughter has mental health issues and not only does the school staff want to send her home. She will be so depressed and will not get out of her bed. I have had several consequences for her these are not doing any good. What would you suggest?

Thank you,

L.

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Hi L.,

First, let’s make a distinction between truancy and school refusal-

School refusal:

· The kid is unreasonably scared of going to school.
· The kid might pretend to be sick or say he or she doesn't want to go to school.
· The kid usually wants to stay home because he or she feels safe there.

Truancy:

· The kid chooses not to go to school.
· The kid skips school and doesn't tell his or her parents.
· The kid may have antisocial behaviors such as delinquency, lying, and stealing.

Kids with school refusal are scared to go to school. They may be so scared that they won't leave the house. School refusal is most common in 5- and 6-year-olds and in 10- and 11-year-olds, but it can start at any age.

The problem might start after a kid has been home for a while, such as after a holiday, summer vacation, or brief illness. It also might happen after a stressful event, such as moving to a new house or the death of a pet or relative.

Kids who won't go to school often say they feel sick. They might wake up and say they have a headache, stomachache, or sore throat. If they stay home from school, the "illness" might go away, but it comes back the next morning before school. Some kids may have crying spells or temper tantrums.

Kids with school refusal may worry about the safety of their parents or themselves. They may not want to be in a room by themselves, and they may be scared of the dark. They also may have trouble falling asleep by themselves and might have nightmares.

Kids who are truant (or "playing hooky") are not scared to go to school the way kids with school refusal are.

Take your kid to the doctor. Anxiety or a physical illness might be causing the problem. You also should talk to your kid's teacher or school counselor. Your kid's doctor will be able to rule out any illness that may be causing the problem.

Unreasonable fears about leaving home can be treated. Parents must keep trying to get their kid to go back to school. Your kid's doctor may want your kid to talk to a psychologist, social worker, or kid psychiatrist. The doctor also might prescribe medicine to help with your kid's anxiety.

The longer your kid stays out of school, the harder it will be to return. The goal of treatment is to help your kid learn ways to reduce anxiety and return to school.

Kids who do not go to school for long periods may develop serious learning setbacks or social problems. Kids who do not get professional help might have emotional problems such as anxiety when they get older. Early treatment of this problem is important for your kid's well-being.

Mark

Online Parent Support

16-year-old son using marijuana and RX drugs...

Hi L.,

== > I’ve responded throughout your email below:

My husband and I are very happy with your services. We really need some advice for a situation.

Our 16- year-old son A___ this past spring got into some drug usage-Marijuana, RX drugs, etc. We were floored. We have a close and caring family. I'm sure you've heard this before.

It went on for 6-7 months off and on, consequences were given and communication greatly increased, but he would eventually take his earned back freedom to fall back.

Fortunately, we have caught him quickly after each fall-back.

Lying is off the charts- in our face, doe-eyes, innocent, assuring lies.

We're getting much more intuitive and smart about it.

Last night we allowed him to have a friend over. He brought a bong in a backpack. Suspicious behavior led us to discover that he had the bong. We questioned our son privately. He insisted (doe-eyed and sincerely) that he knew nothing about it. We went around and around. No, he said, he was telling the truth! He knew nothing about it! My husband caringly asked the kid about it, and he admitted in front of Aaron that yes, our son knew about it and they were planning on arranging to try to get drugs to our house to probably smoke outside.

Every time we give him an inch, he proves deviant in his behavior, and somehow he breaks the rules we lay out for him. Yet he really tries hard to change during the in between times. He stays sincere for a time, and really tries hard to be honest and work hard.

Last week we let him go to a movie with a friend. We told him to stay in the movie theatre or outside on the sidewalk the whole time until we picked him up.

When we dropped him off, my husband felt something was up. Turns out we steathily watched him from our car and tracked him. At one point we lost him, and it was at that point he had skipped down to the Taco Cabana with his friends. i called him during this mystery period, and he assured me he was in the bathroom at the theatre.

He was at Taco Cabana. So sure enough, we watched him come back up from T.C. and confronted him. He had to leave with us. He cried, showed remorse, etc. We grounded him for this weekend, but he earned it back thru chores. But alas, this weekend (the previous story).

So we're exhausted.

He was extensively psych tested very recently. Obviously ADHD is high on the list. But everything else showed he was pretty mentally healthy.

One of my questions is based on an observation the psychologist made. He said, and I totally agree with him, that Aaron has an extremely narrow focus, and that he doesn't see the warning signs or take in enough information to make decisions. I'm sure this is true of many teens, but for heaven's sake.

== > My take on this is that your son is a “high risk-taker” (which is not altogether bad depending on how he uses this skill). We stay focused on strengths in this program. You will do well to shift to that paradigm as well.

We' ve taken him to the insurance agent who talked to him for an hour about how if he was caught with drugs he would not be able to get insurance and would not be able to drive. We've told him that in order for him to be able to drive, he would have to stay away from drugs, druggies, and extreme behavior- which we have thoroughly and prolifically described to him.

== > I’m sure the “lecture” was a form of pouring on a lot of intensity while “things were going wrong.” Your son got a payoff – but not the kind you hoped for.

We've taken him to the Juvenile Detention Center to show him what happens to kids who have to go there. He got to see the little jumpsuit and the video.

== > More intensity while things are going wrong. He now will have a fascination with being detained. We, as parents, want to provide intensity when things are going right (or not going wrong) rather than using all these “traditional” parenting strategies you’ve listed so far.

We've visited his vice principal and informed her of A___'s struggle, and now she checks in with him. He knows he will be subject to more than the average locker tests.

== > This is a good move!

We've been very honest about out feelings and forthright about admitting the times we've made mistakes as well, to bring healing to wounds from the past. We are very available, we're setting limits, giving consequences, praising him for good behavior, giving him space, pulling him into dinnertime conversations, etc............

We are random drug testing. He likes the church we attend, and really likes the pastor's relevant teachings, but doesn't want to get involved with the youth group. Insecure.

Did I mention he also got arrested for stealing in December. It was expunged from his record, but not without him paying us back for some financial consequences, having his "goods" removed for a while (restriction), community service, and a whole ton of communication about the deal and everything involved with his choices.

So, do we need to deal with the drug behavior more severely than the 3-day restriction?

== > No. And the reason is because he will receive a series of natural consequences by default (and already has). Also, be sure to read the section of the online version of the eBook entitled “Read These Emails From Exasperated Parents” [session #4]. Look for where it reads: "We got a call from school last week. Our son got busted with a bag of pot in his locker and has been suspended from school for the rest of the year. My wife and I are shocked and angry as hell. I'm not sure what question to ask at this point other than what should we do now?"

If he gets caught with drugs, he gets arrested, has very long-term driving consequences because of the insurance deal, and it will always be something he has to mention when applying for college or a job, etc.

== > These are the natural consequences I’m talking about. Do not attempt to save him from making poor choices that will lead to the above.

Second, how can we work with him to expand his thinking to remember what's really important to him so he will weigh more carefully his choices.

== > You can’t. Stop trying to “reason with” him. Strong-willed kids only learn from one method – the school of hard knocks.

Lastly, he has a very hard time connecting to friends. he's friend-LY and quite handsome and even a little charismatic. But somehow he can't seem to hook any more deeply than surface. He was very hurt when a close friendship fell apart a few years ago (the kids was great but had some issues that made it very difficult to connect. He would wall up a lot). I think this has something to do with it. But even then, he seems so insecure that friendships have always been a struggle. He was bullied through junior high

(kept it a secret from us) and carries around some damaged thinking. I believe that a great deal of his acting out with drugs has been to salve his pain and connect to people who seemed more than willing to share their drugs with him.

== > Be sure to read the web page on bullying (click on the “website” button at the top of the Contents page [online version] and look under "Parent's Strategies A-Z" [right side of page].

So much is at stake.

== > You’re feeling sorry for him at some level – and I can promise that will work against you and your efforts.

He has a good heart, and I'm stunned by all of this. Maybe I need some comfort. It doesn't seem to be getting very much better.

Any and all advice you can think of will be more appreciated than you can possibly imagine.

Thank you for what you do.

Blessings,

L.

== > I think you are largely on track (with just a few exceptions that I have eluded to in my comments).

Mark Hutten, M.A.

My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents with Defiant Teens