She got a little award at assembly the other day for "improved behavior in the classroom"...

Hi Mark,

Hope things are fine with you.

I thought I'd give you a bit of an up date from down under. Over the past month we have had two meetings with A___'s school principle, the school counsellor and her teacher, and things have been fairly positive from a school point of view. The principle is a great guy and was very keen to know what we were dealing with at home as the problems at school are less intense. He asked me to email him the basic management principles of your e-book and said the school would do as much as they could to keep Anna on track. I now get a weekly report on her progress from her class teacher and they are now working out the classes for next year with a view to giving her the best teacher and appropriate classmates to minimise disputes. She got a little award at assembly the other day for "improved behavior in the classroom" so that was good.

We are so grateful for the chance your program has given us and I feel so fortunate for having discovered you online!! We are still dealing with bad behavior at home but it is, as you forecast, a little less stressful and frequent.

Thanks Mark,

L.

Online Parent Support

Adolescence and Narcissistic Disorder—

One of the less common adolescent personality disorders, but one that is nevertheless growing, is narcissistic personality disorder. This is the only learned personality disorder, and usually begins in the adolescent years. Teenagers with low self-esteems begin to develop fantasies and grandiose views of themselves when they have narcissistic personality disorders. According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, about one percent of the population (and one percent of teenagers) suffers from narcissistic personality disorder. Most narcissists (between an estimated 50 and 75 percent) are male.

The history of narcissistic personality disorder:

The name for narcissistic personality disorder comes from Greek mythology. In the tale, a young man, Narcissus, spurned those who sought his love. He was very good-looking, and quite full of himself. In fact, he was so good-looking that he thought himself as beautiful as the gods. No woman or man could please him. Then, one day, he fell in love with the reflection of himself in a pond. He stared at the reflection, reveling in its beauty, until he wasted away. Other stories end with him falling into the pond and drowning as he moves closer to get a better look. Like Narcissus, adolescents with narcissistic personality disorder have an exaggerated sense of self-importance, and rarely consider others' feelings, preferring to seek the attention that confirms their own grandiose ideas.

Difference between adolescent narcissism and adolescent narcissistic personality disorder:

A certain degree of selfishness, self-importance and narcissism is to be expected during the teenager years. Indeed, when one has a personality style considered narcissistic, he or she is usually a general healthy person in a psychological regard. However, such people, although arrogant and proud at times, do not rely on others to help them maintain a healthy self-esteem, and they do not cherish unrealistic images of their skills and abilities.

On the other hand, adolescent narcissistic personality disorder takes a different form. Teenagers with this personality disorder are unable to establish a stable self-image that includes an accurate assessment of skills. They feel entitled to special treatment, and when they receive perceived slights to their grandiose perception of their own skills and importance, they may become angry and sometimes violent.

Some signs of pathological narcissism - adolescent narcissistic personality disorder:

· Arrogant and haughty behavior
· Belief that others envy the person
· Does not consider others' feelings
· Expectations of special treatment
· Exploits other people
· Fantasies about having exceptional success, attractiveness or power
· Need for constant praise and validation
· Over-emphasis on achievements and exaggeration of one's skills

Developmental factors that contribute to adolescent narcissistic personality disorder:

· Excessive admiration that does not receive a balance of realistic feedback
· Learned manipulative behaviors from other sources
· Overindulgence from parents
· Oversensitive temperament from birth
· Parents over-praise and value as a way to increase their own self-esteem
· Severe childhood emotional abuse
· Unreliable or unpredictable care giving from parents

Treating adolescent narcissistic personality disorder:

It is very difficult to treat teenager narcissistic personality disorder because an adolescent is usually already in such a fragile mental state. Often, treatment is met with contempt, as the teenager perceives the therapist-client relationship as one that does not properly affirm the adolescent's perception of self. The goal is teach the teenager to value him or herself on a more realistic level and to adjust one's thinking about others' value in relation to his or her own. Exercises to help the adolescent develop empathy for others are part of the treatment of this personality disorder. Medication is usually not used, except sparingly in cases where depression and anxiety come out as symptoms while the adolescent struggles to cope with a new reality.

Online Parent Support

It is fantastic!

Hi,

My husband and I have been going through your program together. We are about half way thru' and are truly impressed with the results. It is fantastic!

S.

Online Parent Support

We've both cried the past couple of hours at how destructive our "parenting" has been...

Dear Mark,

My wife and I are finishing Lesson #1. My God!!! We've been the worst kind of indulgent parents, thinking all the time that we were doing the good thing for our son. Quite frankly, we've both cried the past couple of hours at how destructive our "parenting" has been. Just the opposite of what we wanted. Your program is 100% on the money in terms of describing the issues. Glad we found your site, and hope it's not too late.

As some additional background, up until 2 1/2 years ago, I was heavily engaged with my son. We played paintball, R__ raced BMX for 6 years, has won 5 national championships and we spent 2-3 days a week at the track and traveling out of town to races, fishing, camping. 2 1/2 years ago, because of financial issues, I took a job with an emergency management agency that has me traveling across the U.S. for 6-7 months at a time with only a week or two in between. I feel so bad! I see now that in spite of my good intentions, I essentially abandoned my boy, hence his hooking up with this "friend" of his. His attitude is sullen, he's unhappy, angry, dresses like a skin head, and is lying to us, chippying with marijuana (we've had him drug tested). In spite of our apprehension, my wife and I are anxious to get our son back. Below is a set of expectations we've come up with. Are we on the right track?

Thanks,

B. & A.


ISSUES FOR R__


EXPECTATIONS

Chores:

1. Hang up towels after taking a shower.
2. Pick up dirty clothes and put them in hamper.
3. Keep your bathroom neat.
4. Keep your room picked up. Clean and vacuum your room once a week.
5. Take out trash, including emptying your bathroom wastebasket.
6. Keep truck clean. Clean inside and out once a week.
7. Help with dinner cleanup as requested.
8. After a meal, pick-up/scrape dishes and put in sink.

Allowance: For consistently doing chores, you will earn $15.00 a week. To earn additional money, ask us for things you can do around the house. (Wash windows, wash the van, etc.)

Behavior:

1. That you will not drink alcohol.
2. That you will not do drugs.
3. That you will not steal, or be with people who do steal.
4. That you will be honest and “do what’s right” even if no one is watching. Think independently. Say “no” to friends who want to involve you in illegal behavior.
5. That you will be respectful of your mother and me and other adults.
6. That you will be home at the designated time and will abide by set curfew.
7. That you will complete school and homework as required.
8. Self respect for your health, appearance, physical well being.

Consequences:

Violation of the above house rules will result in “consequences”. These consequences will include:

1. Loss of phone privileges.
2. Loss of driving privileges.
3. Loss of television privileges.
4. Loss of video game privileges.
5. Loss of freedom (grounding). Earn freedom by accepting discipline, reasonable expectations, and a positive attitude.

`````````````````

Hi B.,

Re: Are we on the right track?

I think this is largely on track. Some things fall into the "gray area," which simply means there are multiple ways to do it right.

My biggest concern with what I hear from you so far is that you may be moving to fast. I've said it before, but let me repeat: Only implement session #1 assignments in week one ...session #2 assignments in week two ...and so on.

Slow down a bit. Working too hard to make up for lost time may result in more lost time.

Mark

````````````````````````````````````

Thank you Mark.

You're right, we were so anxious for change we jumped the gun. Will "back off" a bit and take it a week at a time. Surprisingly, we had a good conversation with him last night. And, while normally towels and clothes are consistently left on the bathroom and bedroom floor, he picked up and straightened his bathroom and bedroom. We gave him lots of praise and as you mentioned, he seems a bit confused. Can't decide if he wants to be angry or accepting. Will continue to work the program. Thanks again for the hope.

B. & A.

My Out-of-Control Teen

I want to believe this was the turning point but have been crushed too many times and don't know the right answer...

Mark,

It only took 6 weeks of being off probation and now M is in deep trouble. He did start school on time and was going (did miss one day). He is cont to stay out most weekends and we have no clue who with, where, or doing what. He did buy his own pay as you go phone (will not share the number with us).

Friday he was gone when we got home (as usual). We had a fundraiser to attend and didn't get home until past midnight. He was still gone, but had to work the next morning so we figured he had a ride. I get a call from him @ 4am from the local police station. He is being charged with "home invasion 3rd degree" and going to the county jail. Of course he only admits to taking a bike from a garage (confirmed that it was garages only and not entering houses) but told wrong is wrong. Lately garages have been entered and things taken from cars--GPS, Laptops, I-pods etc. Not sure if he is involved with this or not.

Because he is 17 and considered an adult in MI we are totally in the dark. He was arraigned and had prelim hearing without us being notified. Bail is $5000, and we are not planning on getting him out unless we can't stand it. His next hearing is Monday. He is calling us constantly to bail him out--he is changed, etc. Husband is starting to cave, g'ma thinks I'm a callous heartless Mother. Other friends/colleagues think we should let him be. It is becoming extremely difficult to hold firm with this. Husband also saying he may go post bond with or without my consent/approval since he is the major wage earner. We kept telling M he would be responsible for any other problems since he was considered an adult, and he kept saying he was 17, didn't have any rules and could do whatever he wanted. School counselor says he can make up any missed work, but would be very difficult to accomplish and his opinion is to post bond. We would at least like to see the police report and be able to talk to his court appointed atty, if possible to help us better determine his involvement (impossible at this point due to his age).

Visiting isn't until Sunday (we opted to not go this past Sunday when he really only wanted us to go in order to bring his girlfriend) His latest phone call was to use his life savings (about $500) and call a bail bondsman. He also says he has information for the police that he needs to share with them before XYZ kid gets out of jail. All of this is starting to wear me down.

Mark, what is the best thing? I do want him to go to school now and not miss any more (he got 5 A's and 1 B last semester). I don't want more upheaval in my home--is it likely to get worse if we continue to refuse? How would you feel about this latest offer? Is 4-5 days in jail (for now) enough? He may get additional jail time depending if the charges are dealt down, and what his sentence would be and all that would be out of our control anyways. Is he ready for change or is this just because it's too uncomfortable? He has been in the youth home 4 times--2 domestic violence (1 day then 3 days) then 2 probation violations (24 days and 3 days) and NEVER called us and now is calling constantly begging us to help him out.

I want to believe this was the turning point but have been crushed too many times and don't know the right answer. Please help.

He still has no privileges--no car, no license, no job (lost this due to being held in jail and missing work), pay as you go phone, no laundry services, etc. Does have a laptop and i-pod (gifts) and don't want him ruining my computer. We don't drive him (Dad will drive him but to/from work only).

Again, thanks

J

```````````````````

Hi J.,

Re: Mark, what is the best thing?

I think you may already know what I'm going to say here. To bail him out is to return to over-indulgent parenting, which will have a negative consequence associated with it -- for both you and your husband.

Re: I don't want more upheaval in my home--is it likely to get worse if we continue to refuse?

To refuse to bail? In the short run, possibly. But in the long run, no. He will get a much better life-lesson sitting behind bars than he will sitting at a desk.

Re: How would you feel about this latest offer? Is 4-5 days in jail (for now) enough?

Maybe.

Re: Is he ready for change or is this just because it's too uncomfortable?

He's sincere while his in jail. But without some serious discomfort, his sincerity will be short lived.

If it only took 6 weeks for him to forget about being on probation, how long do you think it will be before he forgets he was incarcerated (in the event that you bail him out)?

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

I was on the verge of asking my 16 year old young lady to leave and find a new place to live...

Hello Mark,

Thank you for your contact. This morning I was on the verge of asking my 16 year old young lady to leave and find a new place to live.

After watching and reading the first part of your advice I feel MUCH stronger.

I don't want to lose my daughter, I want her back fighting for MY team not the team of rudeness and emotional emptiness she seems to be in.

Thank you!!

I.

Online Parent Support

16 year-old son is hangin' with the wrong crowd...

Mark,

Just joined today. Your program is very perceptive. Unfortunately, my wife and I see ourselves in these descriptions of over indulgence. Current problem is with our 16 year old son hanging with the wrong crowd. Suggestions on how to break him out? Thanks for any help.

B.

````````````````````````

Hi B.,

Everyone needs to belong — to feel connected with others and be with others who share attitudes, interests, and circumstances that resemble their own. People choose friends who accept and like them and see them in a favorable light.

Teenagers want to be with people their own age — their peers. During adolescence, teenagers spend more time with their peers and without parental supervision. With peers, teenagers can be both connected and independent, as they break away from their moms and dads' images of them and develop identities of their own.

While many families help teenagers in feeling proud and confident of their unique traits, backgrounds, and abilities, peers are often more accepting of the feelings, thoughts, and actions associated with the teen's search for self-identity.

JOIN Online Parent Support

The influence of peers — whether positive or negative — is of critical importance in your son's life. Whether you like it or not, the opinions of your son's peers often carry more weight than yours.

The ability to develop healthy friendships and peer relationships depends on a teen's self-identity, self-esteem, and self-reliance.

At its best, peer pressure can mobilize your son's energy, motivate for success, and encourage your son to conform to healthy behavior. Peers can and do act as positive role models. Peers can and do demonstrate appropriate social behaviors. Peers often listen to, accept, and understand the frustrations, challenges, and concerns associated with being a teenager.

The need for acceptance, approval, and belonging is vital during the teen years. Teenagers who feel isolated or rejected by their peers — or in their family — are more likely to engage in risky behaviors in order to fit in with a group. In such situations, peer pressure can impair good judgment and fuel risk-taking behavior, drawing a teen away from the family and positive influences and luring into dangerous activities.

For example, teenagers with ADHD, learning differences or disabilities are often rejected due to their age-inappropriate behavior, and thus are more likely to associate with other rejected and/or delinquent peers. Some experts believe that teenage girls frequently enter into sexual relationships when what they are seeking is acceptance, approval, and love.

A powerful negative peer influence can motivate a teen to make choices and engage in behavior that his or her values might otherwise reject. Some teenagers will risk being grounded, losing their moms and dads' trust, or even facing jail time, just to try and fit in or feel like they have a group of friends they can identify with and who accept them. Sometimes, teenagers will change the way they dress, their friends, give up their values or create new ones, depending on the people they hang around with.

Some teenagers harbor secret lives governed by the influence of their peers. Some — including those who appear to be well-behaved, high-achieving teenagers when they are with adults — engage in negative, even dangerous behavior when with their peers.

Once influenced, teenagers may continue the slide into problems with the law, substance abuse, school problems, authority defiance, gang involvement, etc.

If your son associates with people who are using drugs or displaying self-destructive behaviors, then he is probably doing the same.

It is important to encourage friendships among teenagers. We all want our children to be with persons who will have a positive influence, and stay away from persons who will encourage or engage in harmful, destructive, immoral, or illegal activities.

Moms and dads can support positive peer relationships by giving their teenagers their love, time, boundaries, and encouragement to think for themselves.

Specifically, moms and dads can show support by:

• Being genuinely interested in your son's activities. This allows moms and dads to know their teen's friends and to monitor behavior, which is crucial in keeping teenagers out of trouble. When misbehavior does occur, moms and dads who have involved their children in setting family rules and consequences can expect less flack from their children as they calmly enforce the rules. Moms and dads who, together with their children, set firm boundaries and high expectations may find that their children's abilities to live up to those expectations grow.
• Encouraging independent thought and expression. In this way, teenagers can develop a healthy sense of self and an enhanced ability to resist peer pressure.
• Having a positive relationship with your son. When parent-teen interactions are characterized by warmth, kindness, consistency, respect, and love, the relationship will flourish, as will the teen's self-esteem, mental health, spirituality, and social skills.

You may not be comfortable about your son's choice of friends or peer group. This may be because of their image, negative attitudes, or serious behaviors (such as alcohol use, drug use, truancy, violence, sexual behaviors).

Here are some suggestions:

• Check whether your concerns about their friends are real and important.
• Do not attack your child's friends. Remember that criticizing your son's choice of friends is like a personal attack.
• Encourage reflective thinking by helping your son think about his actions in advance and discussing immediate and long-term consequences of risky behavior.
• Encourage your son's independence by supporting decision-making based on principles and not other people.
• Get to know the friends of your son. Learn their names, invite them into your home so you can talk and listen to them, and introduce yourself to their moms and dads.
• Help your son understand the difference between image (expressions of youth culture) and identity (who he is).
• If you believe your concerns are serious, talk to your teenager about behavior and choices -- not the friends.
• Keep the lines of communication open and find out why these friends are important to your teenager.
• Let your son know of your concerns and feelings.
• Remember that we all learn valuable lessons from mistakes.

No matter what kind of peer influence your son faces, he must learn how to balance the value of going along with the crowd (connection) against the importance of making principle-based decisions (independence).

And you must ensure that your son knows that he is loved and valued as an individual at home.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

JOIN Online Parent Support