When Parents Disagree On Discipline

"My husband and I have very different parenting styles and that has really worked against us over the years …I tend to be strict while my husband is not and I feel that I need to compensate for his lack of discipline and follow through. I'm constantly clashing with my kids and tired of being the wicked witch."

Click here for my response...

How successful is house arrest?

Hi Mark,

I am planning on one lesson per week. I have not skipped forward and understand the process. My challenge is that L__ is in the hall for 30 days. On Oct. 9 we go back to court and the judge will decide if L__ goes to a foster home and out of our care. I find your lessons very informative and eye-opening. The DA wants him to spend 30 days in the hall and then 30 days under house arrest (ankle bracelet). If we can get through the next 3 months, he can start high school as his expulsion order expires. I am writing a letter to the judge explaining that we are on your program and do not want to lose L__ to the system.

Our challenge with the house arrest is that we think L__ will allow his friends in the house and he will still snoop around. I've had to take the phones with me when I go to work because he made over 400 hours of calls. He needs 100% supervision. How successful is house arrest?

Thanks,

M.

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Hi M.,

Thanks for committing to the program as it is intended.

Re: How successful is house arrest?

First of all, "house arrest" is simply where the child must stay home under parental supervision. I think you're referring to "home monitoring" (different from house arrest in that probation will be notified if your son gets out of range).

In any event, there's good and bad news here--

The good news: Home monitoring has an excellent track record because the child knows there is always somebody "watching" to see if he steps outside the house -- even when parents/grandparents are away.

The bad news: Home monitoring is usually only effective for as long as the child is on the monitor -- and it cannot control who your son invites in the house while you're gone.

More bad news: House arrest (if that is what we're talking about here) is a miserable failure on all fronts as far as I'm concerned.

Bottom line: You can't depend on home monitoring, house arrest - or even probation to "solve" the problems. That why it's good you have some new parenting tools in your toolbox now.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Grandson

He loves to save his money...

Hi Mark,

Hope you are well. I've been meaning to email you for a while. I thought this was interesting. This is about the over indulgence section of your program. We used to take our son to Taco Bell after school, or just whenever he might ask. Now, though, when he asks if we're out and about, we tell him we'll be glad to drive by there for him, as long as he has money for what he wants. I can only remember once in the last several months when he actually ended up going. He usually passes on going when he realizes we won't be paying (he still asks every now and then thinking we will forget I guess). The one time he did go and use his own money, he couldn't stand spending that dollar. He loves to save his money, and this is certainly a great lesson on how easily it is spent.

Once in these last few months, we all went to Taco Bell for dinner. Therefore, we paid for him. It was what the family was having, so that's why we paid.

Anyway, thanks for this great tip. It's working out great!

S.

Online Parent Support

I fear it is too late...

Dear Mark,

I Googled my 'problem teenager' and came up with your website. I bought the manual, and it is precisely what I needed.

I fear it is too late though, as my teen daughter is leaving home on the day she is 16 to live with a guy 25 years old, whom she said she met on holiday in Lanzarote, when she was 10. He is unemployed and has Diabetes. She is on the phone to him every day. She's flunked school, her exams, and thrown away an amazing singing/acting talent. Your book describes her behaviour precisely, 'Overindulged'.

I will put into practice that which is in the book and hope that we can turn her round before August.

Having been through family services, the police, social services and the courts and still not got a solution, what a relieve it is to know that there is somebody out there who seems to know what they are talking about. Many many thanks. You have at the very least given me cause for hope, thank you.

Hugh,

Great Britain.

My Out-of-Control Teen

She took $40.00 instead of $20.00 out of my account...

Mark,

My daughter is on three day restriction for disobeying me. On Saturday I gave her my debit card to get gas and 20.00 for spending -- both of which she earned. However I just saw on my bank statement ...she took 40.00 instead of 20.00 out of my account. Should I make her earn the other 20 or should I take 20 my brother gives her for taking their son to school?

Please help.

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Good question.

She was being sneaky, which should get a consequence. Earning the $20.00 that was basically stolen seems to be the best option. Also, give her a clear warning that if this happens again, she will not be able to use your debit card (just pay cash).

Sound O.K.?

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

Violence On The Rise Among Children?

Mark,

I'm a member of your program. As a middle school teacher (NY), it appears to me that children are becoming more and more violent over time. This greatly concerns me as well as the other teachers in my district. In your work, do you find that childhood violence is on the rise? If so, what can teachers do in the schools to intervene? Is there any research on any of this?

Thanks in advance,

T.J.

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Hi T.,

There is a great concern about the incidence of violent behavior among kids and teens. This complex and troubling issue needs to be carefully understood by moms & dads, teachers, and other adults.

Kids as young as preschoolers can show violent behavior. Moms & dads and other adults who witness the behavior may be concerned, however, they often hope that the young youngster will "grow out of it." Violent behavior in a youngster at any age always needs to be taken seriously. It should not be quickly dismissed as "just a phase they're going through!"

Violent behavior in kids and teens can include a wide range of behaviors:

· cruelty toward animal

· explosive temper tantrum

· fighting

· fire setting

· intentional destruction of property and vandalism

· physical aggression

· threats or attempts to hurt others (including homicidal thoughts)

· use of weapon

Numerous research studies have concluded that a complex interaction or combination of factors leads to an increased risk of violent behavior in kids and teens. These factors include:

·Being the victim of physical abuse and/or sexual abuse

·Brain damage from head injury

·Combination of stressful family socioeconomic factors (poverty, severe deprivation, marital breakup, single parenting, unemployment, loss of support from extended family)

·Exposure to violence in media (TV, movies, etc.)

·Exposure to violence in the home and/or community

·Genetic (family heredity) factors

·Presence of firearms in home

·Previous aggressive or violent behavior

·Use of drugs and/or alcohol

Kids who have several risk factors and show the following behaviors should be carefully evaluated:

·Becoming easily frustrated

·Extreme impulsiveness

·Extreme irritability

·Frequent loss of temper or blow-ups

·Intense anger

Moms & dads and teachers should be careful not to minimize these behaviors in kids. Whenever a parent or other adult is concerned, they should immediately arrange for a comprehensive evaluation by a qualified mental health professional. Early treatment by a professional can often help.

The goals of treatment typically focus on helping the youngster to:

· learn how to control his/her anger

· express anger and frustrations in appropriate ways

· be responsible for his/her actions

· accept consequences

In addition, family conflicts, school problems, and community issues must be addressed.

Research studies have shown that much violent behavior can be decreased or even prevented if the above risk factors are significantly reduced or eliminated. Most importantly, efforts should be directed at dramatically decreasing the exposure of kids and teens to violence in the home, community, and through the media. Clearly, violence leads to violence.

In addition, the following strategies can lessen or prevent violent behavior:

·Early intervention programs for violent youngsters

·Monitoring youngster's viewing of violence on TV/videos/movies

·Prevention of youngster abuse (use of programs such as parent training, family support programs, etc.)

·Sex education and parenting programs for teens

Mark

Online Parent Support

Game Addiction

Mark,

Read your book -- loved it and it helped. My son J__, an extremely intelligent, confident, socially comfortable 16-year-old, is addicted to the computer game World of Warcraft (wow for short). Like other addicts (ex. alcoholics), is it necessary for him to "want" to change in order for us to get wow out of his life? Computers are necessary for his school research and submittal of assignments, so even if he is "detoxing" he'll need to use one. He has access to computers at school, friend's houses & internet cafes.

Background info:

1. Parents divorced when he was 8, lives with mother but visits father (who he doesn't like)

2. He's resistant to authority and doesn't feel the need to try to please anyone, but also doesn't act out by doing drugs/drinking/deviant behavior

3. He says he loves the game so much because it's challenging and he's so good at it. All his friends play.

4. He has played for hours on end, staying up all night on weekends, neglecting schoolwork to play. I used your program to set up a consequence program and it helped, except that he is totally willing to risk consequences to play this game, so we are in a negative cycle, which is why I am asking about the possibility of addiction and the need to approach this differently.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

K.

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Hi K.,

Here’s the definition of addiction in general:

1. An individual needs more and more of a substance or behavior to keep him/her going.

2. If the individual does not get more of the substance or behavior, he/she becomes irritable and miserable.

Compulsive gaming meets these criteria, and game addicts can indeed experience severe withdrawal symptoms (e.g., anger, violence, depression).

Research suggests gambling elevates dopamine. But there’s more to addiction than brain chemistry. Even with drugs or alcohol, it’s not just physical – there’s a psychological component to the addiction, knowing “I can escape or feel good about my life.”

The addict is trying to change the way he feels by taking something outside himself. The alcoholic learns, “I don’t like the way I feel, so I’ll I take a couple shots of whiskey.” For gamers, it’s the fantasy world that makes them feel better.

The lure of a fantasy world is especially pertinent to online role-playing games. These are games in which a player assumes the role of a fictional character and interacts with other players in a virtual world. An intelligent child who is unpopular at school can become dominant in the game. The virtual life becomes more appealing than real life.

Too much gaming may seem relatively harmless compared with the dangers of a drug overdose, but video game addiction can ruin lives. Children who play four to five hours per day have no time for socializing, doing homework, or playing sports. That takes away from normal social development. You can get a 21-year-old with the emotional intelligence of a 12-year-old. He’s never learned to talk to girls. He’s never learned to play a sport.

Spending a lot of time gaming doesn’t necessarily qualify as an addiction. 80% of the world can play games safely. The question is: Can you always control your gaming activity?

According to the Center for On-Line Addiction, warning signs for video game addiction include:

· Feeling irritable when trying to cut down on gaming

· Gaming to escape from real-life problems, anxiety, or depression

· Lying to friends and family to conceal gaming

· Playing for increasing amounts of time

· Thinking about gaming during other activities

In addition, video game addicts tend to become isolated, dropping out of their social networks and giving up other hobbies. It’s about somebody who has completely withdrawn from other activities. One mother called me when her son dropped out of baseball. He used to love baseball, so that’s when she knew there was a problem.

The overwhelming majority of video game addicts are males under 30. It’s usually children with poor self-esteem and social problems. They’re intelligent and imaginative but don’t have many friends at school. A family history of addiction may also be a factor.

If you’re concerned your child may be addicted to video games don’t dismiss it as a phase. Keep good documents of the child’s gaming behavior, including:

· How the child reacts to time limits

· Logs of when the child plays and for how long

· Problems resulting from gaming

You need to document the severity of the problem. Don’t delay seeking professional help; if there is a problem, it will probably only get worse.

Treatment for video game addiction is similar to detox for other addictions, with one important difference. Computers have become an important part of everyday life, as well as many jobs, so compulsive gamers can’t just look the other way when they see a PC.

It’s like a food addiction. You have to learn to live with food.

Because video game addicts can’t avoid computers, they have to learn to use them responsibly. That means no gaming. As for limiting game time to an hour a day, I compare that to an alcoholic saying he’s “only going to drink beer.”

The toughest part of treating video game addicts is that it’s a little bit more difficult to show somebody they’re in trouble. Nobody’s ever been put in jail for being under the influence of a game.

The key is to show gamers they are powerless over their addiction, and then teach them real-life excitement as opposed to online excitement.

To make the games less seductive, find ways to minimize your child's downtime at home, especially those times when he is alone. Maybe your child would be interested in arts and crafts, theater, or movie-making. Maybe a social-skills group would be a good idea. Maybe he could join a youth group at your church or synagogue.

If he has trouble with a particular sport because of poor motor skills, or has difficulty understanding the rules or strategies, look for another sport that might be more accommodating - for example, martial arts, bowling, or swimming. Help your child find some activity that he likes and a place where he can do it.

Give warning times: "You have 15 more minutes... You now have 10 minutes... There are only five minutes left." A timer that is visible to the child can be helpful. When the buzzer rings, say, "I know you need to reach a point where you can save the game. If you need a few more minutes, I will wait here and let you have them."

If he continues to play despite your step-by-step warnings, do not shout or grab the game or disconnect the power. Calmly remind him of the rules, then announce that for each minute he continues to play, one minute will be subtracted from the time allowed the next day (or days). Once you get the game back, lock it up. When he finally regains the privilege to play, say, "Would you like to try again to follow the family rules?"

Mark Hutten, M.A.

My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents