I know I'm too soft!

Thank you Mark for contacting me, I am trying very hard to do as you say, and most of the time I'm doing really well but i know I'm too soft!

My eldest daughter isn't really naughty, its just the stuff that comes out of her mouth, she does not swear, its just the disrespect and her telling me when she is going to do something. She asked me this weekend if she could go on a sleep over i said no because of the way she had acted shouting and arguing.

She was really upset and really didn't think she had done anything wrong. how do i make her see that she is doing wrong? …also she has ADHD but very mild …there is no reasoning with her.

Many thanks M.

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Hi M.,

The strategy that applies here is the one entitled “When You Want Something From Your Kid” (online version – session #3). In this case, you want her to accept a consequence for her choice to shout and argue.

Let me know if you need any clarification after reviewing the strategy listed above.

Mark

Online Parent Support

Teens & Tiredness

Hi Mark,

K's current problems are - bad sleep patterns, and not spending enough time on his study (in fact, almost no time).

Given the success of using the program for his other behaviours (still ups and downs, but he has actually modified his behaviour because of this program), I would like to state these rules & consequences:

1. No sleeping after school (or during the day on weekends). Consequence - phone disabled for 24 hours.

2. At least 1.5 hrs of study per night - in a way that is transparent. that is, when I look in on him, he should be entirely open about what homework he is doing. If he doesn't do enough time, or refuses to tell me what he is doing - Consequence - phone disabled for 24 hrs.

He had a blood test to rule out a medical cause for his tiredness (we get the results in a couple of days) - obviously if there is medical issue and the doctor says he needs more rest, I wouldn't have this rule, but I am confident that won't be the case, and I would like to have clear plan and clear expectations starting from next week.

Click here for my response...

Son is angry, failing in school, & refusing to go to school...

My son is always angry. He hates school and his grades are falling, He does not want to go to school …he is in grade 10. He is angry all the time. What can I do?

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Hi G.,

Re: …grades are failing.

This is covered in the eBook [online version]. Please look for the section entitled “Read these Emails from Exasperated Parents” …then scroll to the bottom where we discuss poor academic performance.

Re: …does not want to go to school.

School refusal is equally common among boys and girls and is most likely to occur between age 5 to 11. Incidence of school refusal is highest when schools reopen after summer.

School refusal is defined as the behavior of resisting or refusing to attend a specific class or to stay in school for an entire day. Such school refusal may be accompanied by one or more of the following behaviors: complaints about stomach pain, headache, or nausea before or during school; crying before and during school; frequent visits to the school nurse; temper tantrums; specific fears; anxiety or sadness.

Truants otherwise tend to be compliant, well-behaved, and academically smart kids. Unlike truants, they stay home only with their moms & dads' knowledge. Generally, they have a close relationship with one or both moms & dads. Overall, they are good kids. So the question arises why does a youngster who wants to comply with the moms & dads' wishes and be good, drive them nuts in the morning when it's time to get ready for school?

Kids refuse to go to school for a reason, and we moms & dads should determine what that reason is.

Some kids refuse to go to school because they are overly anxious. Some may have specific fears or concerns regarding teachers, peers, or some other aspects of the school setting. Others may consciously or unconsciously worry, not about the school as such, but about being away from home. Some overanxious kids are afraid to sleep on their own, insist on having lights on in their room at night, and have nightmares about their safety or the safety of their moms & dads.

Kids who are overanxious about something at school or home need to be gradually exposed to the situation they want to avoid. Offer them emotional support and encouragement. They need to develop better means to cope with situations that provoke anxiety.

Truants tend to feel that others see them in a negative way. They become unduly self-conscious and avoid social situations in which they fear others may criticize them or make fun of them behind their back. Some have negative and troublesome relationships with their peers, and are, perhaps, teased by mischievous kids or harassed by a bully.

For kids who refuse to go to school in order to avoid a difficult social encounter, teach them effective social behaviors such as, learning to say "no" assertively, seeking help from adults, and making new friends. Seek help from school authorities if there is a genuine concern for the safety of your youngster.

In some cases, school refusal starts out with kids experiencing discomfort in the school setting, but as time goes on, they develop a liking for staying home. It dawns on them how much more fun it is to stay home than to go to school and do the "boring stuff." For example, when "Jake is allowed to stay home, he stays in bed for longer hours, plays with toys or watches TV, and gets to visit his grandparents during the day. If I were Jake, I sure would like to stay home day after day, wouldn't you?

Don't make staying home more rewarding than going to school. Eliminate or reduce all incentives for staying home. On the contrary, attach rewards and incentives to going to school and staying there throughout the school hours.

Some teens suddenly become reluctant to go to school because of an appearance and self-esteem problem, or social "image" problem prompted by a school rumor or being let down by a friend. They need appropriate skills and parental support to deal with such situations. Openness in communication and closeness with moms & dads can be really helpful.

Some kids are clinically depressed and experience significant difficulty in getting up and getting out of bed in the morning. Kids who are clinically depressed or who suffer from an anxiety disorder need professional help. Some medications cause sluggishness and may make it difficult for a youngster to be alert and active in morning. In such event, consult your doc.

Having investigated the possible causes and offered your support as a parent, you may have to "push" your youngster out to school. You may have to learn to ignore the tantrums, complaints, and the pleading to "let me stay home just for today."

Mark Hutten, M.A.

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Kicking Out a Minor

My son was told he could not stay at home if he continued his behaviour so he went out on Saturday but came back tonight, Tuesday, because he had to go to work. My husband said he can’t stay here. What do I do when he comes home at 11pm tonight?

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Re: Kicking Out a Minor—

You didn’t say how old your son is.

The legal age of majority in all but four states is 18. When a person reaches the state's age of legal majority, parents are no longer financially or legally responsible for them. In which case parents wanting their adult child to move from the family residence is well within their legal rights to take such action. If the person refuses to leave voluntarily the parents may if they so choose enlist the aid of their local police.

States with higher ages of majority than 18-years are: Alabama and Nebraska 19, Mississippi and Pennsylvania 21. In these states parents can petition the court to be released from parental responsibilities if said child is at least 18-years of age.

Online Parent Support

Son Skipping School

Grrrr.... my 14 year old has started his freshman year and is constantly skipping school. I have received a phone call almost everyday regarding either his behavior or his skipping classes or skipping the whole day. I take him to the door of the school every morning!!! He's rude, hateful, defiant...refuses to listen to me. Talks back and over me everytime I try to have a calm discussion with him. Smart kid being really stupid! The school is of no help!

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First you need to make sure your son has an understanding of the relationship between school, grades and going to class and real life and what he will do in the future. By now he should be thinking about college or career choices. He cannot hope to achieve those goals without a decent school record...and that record is more than just grades.

I think you need to start doing some serious thinking about these things, too. It is not always fun to be a parent and give firm guidance, but you need to think about him long-term best interest and the life skills he will need to pursue him goals. Although it may be hard for you to follow through, your son needs to learn to be responsible for him behavior and to accept the consequences of that behavior. That is what grown ups do, and he's nearly a young adult now. He needs to see that school is, in a sense, like a job; in a real job he cannot just skip work because its' a nice day and you don't want to go.

Online Parent Support

Re: Regaining Custody of Son

My question is that I've only started following the 2nd step of your program when my son decided he was moving in with his father. He fought with his father and refused to see him for the past year and now he is refusing to see me. When I demanded that he be here, he accused me of "stealing a bottle of wine" from his father's house. His father and I discussed this as I have no means of entering his home nor would I steal a bottle of wine that I bought him over 8 years ago. My son said that is the way I work. I'm an "Indian Giver". I give things and then take them back, meaning that I recently took his cell phone away. He is extremely not making any sense and I'm devastated. His guidance councilor told me that the wine thing was told to him by his father. His father wants nothing more than to have custody of my kids so he won't have to pay support. I am giving him his child support for A__ since A__ is living there, for the past 2 weeks. A__ lived with me the entire last year. I don't want this to continue. We are seeing a councilor tomorrow night and I want this to end. I am asking you for some understanding as to what is going on because I'm confused and I have no family except for them. Please give me your opinions.

Sincerely, P.

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If I understand you correctly, your issue here is that you want your son back. I must, of course, issue a disclaimer that what I write here cannot be construed as legal advice. It is, in fact, just general information.

You didn’t say who has legal custody currently.

When you agreed to let him stay with his dad, was there some sort of written agreement giving him temporary custody?

Is there a divorce decree giving you custody, and was there ever a court date to re-modify custody changing from you to him?

If there is a divorce decree giving you custody and it was never changed -- and the agreement giving him temporary custody was verbal -- only then notify the police and give them details.

You may have to go back to court to regain custody -- and he has to prove you are an unfit parent.

You can also petition the court to let your son decide who he wants to live with - but don’t coach him -- it has to be totally his idea, and if the judge senses he’s been coached, he won’t honor anything.

This is kind of hard to give an exact answer without knowing the above answers to my questions. Too many variables, but hope this helps. Good luck.

Mark

Online Parent Support

Kids & Poor Academic Performance

Hi Mark,

I am writing for advice on how to get my 7th grade son to do his best in school. He is very intelligent, yet does not seem to care about his schoolwork. He easily makes it on the honor role, but with effort he could be on the top honors. Recently, I discovered that he got a 40% on a Spanish quiz. I asked if he could retake it and he made up some story. After emailing the teacher I discovered that he did retake it during his detention time (which I knew nothing about) and he received the same grade. So now he is lying about his work and about having detention. He is a constant disruption in class. Though the teacher has moved his seat several times he still turns around and talks w/others. What can I do about this??? In general, he is liking 7th grade more because he moves from class to class every 40 minutes. I know that he is easily distracted and we try to give talk w/him about things he can do to focus. The problem is that he doesn't seem to care! He is very active in sports. He is on the soccer team and is doing well with that. He is also playing on a town baseball team. I wanted to take him off of the baseball team, but my husband thinks that will only make matters worse. The busier he is, the better his behavior is, but how do I get him to focus more on his schoolwork??

Thank you again for all of your time and support.

J.

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Hi J.,

Poor academic performance is addressed in the section of the eBook entitled Read these Emails from Exasperated Parents.

Please look toward the bottom of that page where it reads:

"My 16-year-old son brought home straight F's on his last report card. I grounded him for the entire grading period, but he continues to fail in nearly all subjects. I know he is a bright kid and can do the work when he wants to. What can I do to motivate him?"

Let me know if you need clarification,

Mark

Online Parent Support