Son On Drugs

Hi Mark

Just an update on what is going on with my son C__. C__ is on drugs and a friend of his mother signed for a lease on a townhouse for him to move out. It is party central there. C__ phoned me at work the other day and told me that he is scared that he is not feel well at all. A lady he works with took him aside and told him she has a concern for his health that maybe he is diabetic. He is living on energy drinks 2 -3 at a time. He asked me to get him some food that he should be eating, and he would pay me for it. He works at a grocery store, but hey I thought it was a way to talk to him for a minute or 2. I told him I was going for grocery and I would be away the rest of the weekend so I would bring over some groceries. I got to his townhouse, the one girl that lives there answered the door and looked at me funny, I know something was up. She went downstairs and got C__ to come up and he was higher then a kite. I said are you stoned and he said what do you expect? I told him to take his groceries out and put them in the fridge and give me my shopping bag. I heard voices in the basement. I followed him to the kitchen and then I ran down the stairs. There is knowing in the rec room so I went to a door and opened it up and there in the fruit cellar was 7 of them smoking dope! I asked them if their mother knew they were doing this? Then I turned out and started yelling and screaming at the one kid that's mother took my son out of the rehab center and signed the lease for the townhouse. I was yelling and screaming at him that his mother had betrayed me when I was getting my son help. The kid said I wasn't doing anything here. After I finished yelling and screaming I left. C__ was still in the kitchen putting the food away. He never came down to the basement when I was yelling and screaming at these kids. I have not contacted him since this happened on Friday night.

Today I received this email from him...

Subject: I'm Sorry

Honestly though mom I can't keep saying I'm sorry. It has been my choice to do the things that I have done... the only one I have to blame is myself. But do you really think that me being on my own and out of the house does me any good? Hmmm lets think about this one... How does a kid raised like I was get trapped in web with all the others who I looked down upon? I don't know how It happened mom I really don't, I've fucked up the past year and a half of my life I have nothing to show for it... I can't believe it has stretched this far. Sometimes I try to answer your e-mails, but it makes me feel to depressed I don't even know where to begin...
So for what its worth to you and dad I'm sorry.

Love
C__ the fuck up

My reply:

It breaks our heart to see you in so much pain. C__ you are not a fuck up at all.
Yes it was your choice to go down this path. We have been praying for you every day. It takes a big person to realise their mistakes. And an even bigger person to learn from their mistakes in life.

You are always welcome to come home, but we have rules that have to be followed. Only you can choice to turn your life around and you will need extra help and we are always here to help you, but it must be your choice and it is never to late.

If you are serious about getting help call us.

Take care of yourself.

Love Mom & Dad

Mark, am I being snowed here?

Please write back.

Thanks A.

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Hi A.,

Re: Mark, am I being snowed here?

I'm so glad you asked. I was getting worried there for a minute.

You already know the answer ...yes!

You where on the receiving end of an attempt by your son to garner your sympathy. Great strategy on his part. Once the parent becomes sympathetic, she begins to feel guilty ...then she begins to doubt herself and her decisions ...then she caves. Once the parent caves, the child is once again in the power seat (i.e., he gets to do what he wants -- with parental approval).

Here's the bottom line: Trust is gone. Your son will have to earn your trust back before you can trust him again. And the only way that is going to happen is for you to see at least one year of sobriety under his belt.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Daughter shoplifting, using drugs, having sex...!?

Dear Mark,

I have listened and reviewed your CD and book and have found them very helpful. My daughter seems to be doing better, but just yesterday my sister told me that she is doing things that I know nothing about when she's not home. Last year was a nightmare year for us with constant fighting, door slamming, tantrums, etc. This year she seemed to be settling down some, but what my sister told me concerns me greatly. Shoplifting, drug use, sex and God knows what else. My daughter is in ninth grade and is fourteen years old. I am very concerned with her choices. She is seeing a counselor one a month for what is diagnosed as anxiety disorder. Can you give me some help or advice? I am angry, disappointed, and ashamed. I don't quite know where to go from here.

D.,

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Hi D.,

First of all, it doesn't sound like you have hard evidence that what your sister said is true. Avoid believing everything your hear -- even from a trusted sister (she may not have all the facts either). I find that when I get reports from one individual regarding another individual, some of it is true -- some of it is not.

Re: shoplifting—

When you first get the call, write down where you need to go to get your daughter and the phone number of the facility. Many parents do not do this and try to figure it out after they have hung up the phone. Avoid this added stress by writing it all down.

Avoid confronting your daughter at the scene or facility. It just will not help and could go against both of you if charges are filed.

Find out who is in charge and treat this person with respect. Find out if charges are being filed. Write these things down; do not rely on your memory.

When you get home with your daughter, take a time out. You will both need it. There is nothing wrong with letting your daughter know that you are not prepared to discuss this with them yet.

Talk with your spouse about consequences. Try and do this a day or two later, so that you know you are over the shock and have calmed down.

Lay out the consequences in an Action Plan for your daughter.

Re: drug use—

Please refer to the page of the eBook entitled "Read These Emails From Exasperated Parents" [session #4 - online version].

Re: sex—

While adolescent sex may not be wholly preventable, the health risks it involves can be reduced through communication within the family. Research shows that frequent parent-child discussions about sex and its dangers may prevent adolescents from engaging in risky sexual behavior.

One message for those intimate parent-child conversations is that early sex is a threat, and it remains a greater threat to girls than to boys. Adolescent pregnancy occurs in about 750,000 girls each year. Compared with adults, a adolescent, with an immature cervix, is more likely to catch an STD, triggering problems like smoldering pelvic inflammatory disease that can silently take away fertility, tubal pregnancies, cervical and even throat cancer, and transmission of disease to offspring at birth. That doesn't mean boys are invulnerable; they just suffer fewer and milder consequences.

However much our daughters should take equality with men for granted, they must know that sex is distinctly sexist. An old saying goes that men give love to get sex while women have sex to get love. There's something there. The brains of adolescent boys are raging with the libido hormone testosterone, while girls have some increase in testosterone but at far lower levels. In contrast, girls have more oxytocin, the cuddle hormone, and seem to be more sensitive to it than boys. Also, teenage emotions are responding to basic instincts from the lower brain, which awakens the body to its generative capacities. Such impulses searching for instant gratification can easily overwhelm the higher frontal lobes—which impose thoughtful, rational, and conscience-driven restraints on behavior—because, by some quirk of nature, those distinctly human higher cognitive centers don't fully mature until the early 20s. Parents, like it or not, have no choice but to be their kids' frontal lobes for a time, and that's a source of vintage adolescent turbulence.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

My Out-of-ControlTeen: Help for Parents

When Parents Disagree About How To Parent

Mark-

We have a sixteen year old son that fits the criteria for ODD. We have two other sons fourteen and twelve that show no signs of this disorder. We have sought professional help on and off since he was two. The first I heard of this disorder was a year ago when I started researching on the internet for the problems we were having in parenting a child like this. The difference in how we want to parent our son has caused a major problem in our marriage. Dealing with a child with this disorder has to be about the hardest thing I have ever encountered. I am very willing to listen to a professional or follow a program such as your own because all I have read about this disorder as well as your program and advice from the last psychologist we went to points us in the same direction. We have improved our relationship with our son by using similar tactics like your program suggests, but unfortunately my husband has a hard time withholding privileges, setting up some solid rules, and following through with consequences when my son breaks the rules. We are barely talking to each other at this point. I am looking for some guidance to help me get my husband on board, and I believe that if we follow a program such as your own, we can be successful. I would appreciate any help you could give.

Thanks, C.

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Hi C.,

It’s not surprising that parents have differing views on the best way to discipline their children. Working out those differences requires clarity and perspective.

Other matters can usually be resolved by compromise or agreeing on which parent will set the rules about particular issues. Even so, forming a united front on discipline is often more easily said than done. Here are some ideas that may help:

· Ask why the other parent wants to discipline in a particular way. Listen to their response without interrupting. Be respectful, caring, and patient.

· Ask yourself why you are opposed to your parenting partner’s method. What are you afraid will happen?

· Be prepared for behavioral problems. Remember that many changes in children’s behaviors are linked to their stage of normal development. It should come as no surprise that your toddler becomes defiant or your preschooler has an occasional temper tantrum. Talk ahead of time about how each of you would handle these predictable situations. That way you’ll have fewer conflicts when they occur.

· Don’t be trapped by your past. That includes both your own childhood and the style of discipline you may have used in an earlier marriage. Look for ways to explore, with your spouse, your unquestioned assumptions about disciplining children. One good way to do that is to take a parenting class together. That does two things: It helps you realize how differently other people respond to the same situations you face as parents, and it gives you and your spouse a common base of information from which to develop your shared approaches to discipline.

· Don't let negative childhood experiences determine your decision making about discipline. Keep your focus on the positive aspects of your family life in childhood to bring to your current parenting practices. This approach will free you to replace discipline strategies that don't work for both parents because of beliefs based in families of origin with solution-focused practices that respect and continue the positive experiences of both parents' childhoods.

· Explore discipline options, balancing the pros and cons. Decide which responses are most constructive for your parenting goals.

· Find out how the other parent wants the child to behave in the future.

· Find out what the other parent is afraid will happen if he/she doesn’t discipline their particular way.

· Negotiate a Plan in Calm Waters. Sit down with your spouse and try to agree on ways to discipline at a time when nothing is wrong. When you discuss things calmly, you're more likely to come up with a plan you can both stick to. This will allow you to talk about what's best for your child, and not "who's right."

· Present a Unified Front. Kids understand when their parents feel differently about disciplining, no matter what their age. Children will often get away with misbehaving simply by creating an argument between you and your spouse — and this not only lets them off the hook, it creates a problem between the parents. Make sure that your child sees both parents following the same guidelines, no matter what the scenario. Once your kids start receiving the same treatment from both parents, they'll stop using your disagreements as a way to avoid punishment.

· Put your childhood experiences in historical perspective. Gender roles, child safety issues, environmental factors, and cultural norms change dramatically across the generations. What worked for your family 'back in the day' may not transfer comfortably to your current family situation. What are the issues in modern family life that trigger a strong belief that the values and child-rearing practices from your childhood are important to uphold and continue in your own family?

· Recognize that strong beliefs about child rearing may have their basis in childhood family experiences. At the same time, know that your spouse's beliefs have the same powerful roots.

· Recognize What Your Arguments Do to Your Children. No child likes to see his or her parents fight. When you argue about what to do with your kids, you create a troubling environment for them, which could have serious long-tem effects. Fighting with your spouse shifts the focus away from your child — and how they can learn to stop misbehaving — and on to a "parent versus parent" situation.

· Remember the positive experiences from your childhood. Think about your everyday life rather than the major events. What was going on around you during those happy times? It's fun to share these memories with your family, so make them a part of your traditions and family life. What are the positive values and childhood experiences that you want to uphold and continue in your family?

· Have a conversation between parents about the ways childhood histories may be influencing the disagreement about discipline. Take a problem-solving approach to identify:

1. What is the specific child-rearing issue that is causing disagreement between parents?
2. What are the feelings and beliefs that each parent has about the issue that may be rooted in childhood family history?
3. What problem-solving alternatives can each of you commit to that will resolve the disagreement and unite both parents in adapting the beliefs and practices of your families of origin to your family life today?

Lastly, always bear in mind that a weaker parenting plan supported by both parents is much better than a stronger plan supported by only one parent.

I hope this helps,

Mark Hutten, M.A.

==> Effective Disciplinary Techniques for Defiant Teens and Preteens

Re: Teens & Dinner

"How can I get my teen daughter to eat dinner with us - at least occasionally. She either refuses to eat, or eats in her bedroom?"

Getting your adolescent to sit down to a regular meal with the family might be a little like lassoing Jell-O, but a new study suggests bringing adolescents to the table has the power to help them resist drugs and alcohol, feel better about themselves and even get better grades.

Those are just some of the findings from Project EAT, a study of the eating habits and health of 4,746 middle and high school students conducted at the University of Minnesota's School of Public Health. "Family mealtime appears to have so many benefits," says Dianne Neumark-Sztainer, lead investigator of Project EAT and author of "I'm, Like, So Fat: Helping Your Adolescent Make Healthy Choices About Eating and Exercise in a Weight-Obsessed World" (Guilford Press, 2005). "It lets kids watch their parents be role models for healthy eating, gives them access to healthier food than they'd get at fast-food restaurants and is an opportunity for parents to connect with their children," Neumark-Sztainer says.

The challenge? Finding time to cook — and to sit down together. "Just remember that what matters is time together, not when you eat or whether it's a perfect home-cooked meal," says Sztainer. These ideas can help you spend more quality table time with your adolescent.

FAQs from other parents—

How do you get your kids to eat with you? My son would rather grab fast food with his friends or eat in his room in front of the computer.

First, be flexible. Your adolescent may not eat at home every night, but the two of you can talk about it. I would sit down and say, "I want to have us eat together more often. We need to figure out a way to do that." Try to come up with some solutions together. The fact is, adolescents like getting good food that's free. And in our research, we've found that they like eating with the family, especially if the atmosphere is pleasant. They may stay away from the table, though, if they're getting grilled about homework or chores or the string beans they're not eating.

Is there a way to serve food that's healthier than takeout and microwave meals but just as fast?

Yes. Look for healthy shortcuts. Some of my favorite healthy fast foods from the supermarket include rotisserie chicken, baby carrots, pre-sliced fruits and vegetables, fresh vegetables you can microwave right in the bag and frozen stir-fry vegetable mixes. A dinner of eggs, whole wheat toast and some cut-up vegetables can work in a pinch. If you can stay away from highly processed foods, you'll get less fat, less salt and usually fewer calories.

What are the options for families like ours that aren't all at home in the evening?

Breakfast will work if all or most of your family members are home at the same time in the morning. Or try brunch on the weekend. Also be flexible about the time you eat. In our household, we tend to eat later than standard dinnertime because everyone is busy earlier. And you can have a family meal even if some family members are absent. One parent at the table is great for kids, too.

We eat out a couple of nights a week because we take our kids to practices, rehearsals and meetings. Does eating in a restaurant count?

Yes. Eating out has its benefits — nobody has to cook or clean up, and everyone can order what they like. It also provides an opportunity to learn about how to deal with the challenges of eating out. Portions served in restaurants are huge, and the selections include many high-fat, high-calorie items. Parents can, without saying a word, demonstrate how to get a healthy meal by making smart choices and eating reasonable portions when eating out.

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Children Who Play With Fire

Mark-

Thank you so much for your program and your willingness to make this available to us via e-book. While I have just purchased your program and an only in Assignment 1, I feel that this is our answer to a growing problem with our child. My son is 12 years old. He has been a handful since birth. I realize now that I am a 100% passive parent. I have over-indulged him out of guilt for, as his mother, working outside of the home all his life. I have always felt this was a mistake and gave him stuff and freedom to compensate. As a result, my son is defiant, disrepectful and has been suspended twice from school so far this semester. I am so thankful that your help has come along before he gets any older.

I have one major concern to address immediately. My son has had a fascination with fire, fireworks, and blowing things up for about a year. I realize some of this is normal but now his interest has resulted in damage to our home. Four days ago, he damaged the front of our garage because he blew up action figures in the driveway. When I asked him why he did that & did he not realize he was causing damage, he told me he had to do it because he was angry at the school's asst principal. This was the same day he had been suspended for two days for disrepecting teachers. He said that doing this made him feel better. I told him that he could not continue to do this. I had him wash and repair/paint the damage. He swore he would never burn again. Later that evening, we calmly discussed the possible outcomes of playing with fire..that this could be life-threatening and we could lose everything in a house fire. We even talked about fire safety and how we would exit our home in the event of a fire. He seemed to "get it".

You can imagine my surprise when the next day, I entered my kitchen only to detect smoke coming from our upstairs bonus room. I ran upstairs and was shocked at the damage he had done to the carpet upstairs. There are multiple burns. I immediately went to find him as he had already left the scene. I asked him about it & he gave me a glazed look. I am unsure if it was shame, denial or what..I have found no evidence of drugs or cigarettes so I do not believe this was a smoking session gone bad. I asked him if he had a problem that made him want to burn things. He said that when he gets mad, he burns and he feels better. (He had gotten angry at me when I denied him fireworks of all things directly before the bonus room incident.) I was shattered. I felt that there might be something more than just misconduct, but rather a psychiatric problem. Now I am confused as to whether he just totally disregards our home because he resents me for over-indulgence..or if he may also have a medical problem.

I have discussed this with my family. It seems that we agree that we must rule in/out any medical problem with a psychiatric evaluation. My plan is to have this done immediately. I am beginning Assignment 1 with him as well as he still needs behavior modification, regardless of the outcome of the evaluation. I would truly respect your opinion as to whether you believe I am going in the right direction.

Thank you again for your information and help..moreover your desire to help desparate parents.

Sincerely,

K.

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Hi K.,

Many kids set fires out of curiosity. But some of the kids will learn that fire is a powerful tool to gain attention or enact revenge. Other kids believe that if their first fire doesn't get out of control, they can control it.

Most experts agree that the best way to understand a youngster's fire setting is by looking at the age of the youngster and the reason for the behavior. There are three categories of fire setting, and for each a different strategy is used to stop the behavior.

Curiosity Fire Setting--

The youngster is usually between 3 and 10 years old and is almost always a boy. They prefer to spend time alone and may be hyperactive.

The youngster is curious and plays with fire to learn about it. Fires are usually set in a closet or under a bed. The youngster will usually panic if the fire gets out of control. Fires set can cause major damage or even death.

Treatment at this stage is fire safety education.

Problem Fire Setting--

The youngster is usually between 5 and 12 years old and is almost always a boy. They may have a history of school and social problems. Recent changes in life or suffering from stress or injury are common.

The fire is usually random or ritualized and located in or around the home.

There is often no clear cut reason for fire setting. This could be used as a "Cry for Help."

They will continue in this behavior until stress is relieved or they are taught safer ways to cope. There is a very high chance of repeat fire setting.

Treatment at this stage involves professional counseling and fire safety education.

Delinquent Fire Setting--

The youngster is usually between the ages of 10 and 18 years old. They can be both boys and girls and are almost always in a group.

The fire is usually at an outdoor location and could involve dumpsters, grass or other vandalism type fires.

The youngster tends sets the fires to impress their peers, out of boredom, or to be defiant.

Treatment at this stage involves professional counseling, restitution and fire safety education.

How Parents Can Help--

Parents play an important role in helping prevent fires involving kids. Here are some ideas to help:

§ Make sure your kids are supervised at all times.

§ Discuss with your kids the good and bad uses of fire, the dangers of fire and how quickly it spreads.

§ Encourage your kids to tell you about any other kids playing with fire.

§ Keep all matches or lighters in a place that is not accessible to kids, such as a locked cabinet. If you smoke, keep lighters on your person or in your purse, not scattered around the house.

§ Keep Matches, lighters and other fire setting tools off limits to your kids by telling your kids to immediately bring you any matches or lighters that they find. Set consequences for kids if they are found with any fire setting tools.

§ Lock up all flammable chemicals, like gasoline, turpentine or lighter fluid.

§ Make your house fire safe by installing smoke detectors and sharing with your kids the responsibility of checking the detectors once a month.

§ Practice with your kids stop-drop-and roll and crawling low in the presence of smoke.

§ Teach your kids fire safety by planning fire escape routes from each room in the house and practicing fire drills at your house once a semester.

FAQs from other parents:

§ I have found my son playing with fire. If I burn my son's hand will they stop?

This is a myth, if you burn your son's hand they will just be scarred. You must address the real reason for his/her playing with fire before they will stop.

§ Is fire setting considered pyromania?

Pyromania is a mental disorder -- fire setting is not. It is a behavior which can have many reasons and which can be stopped.

§ Is it normal for kids to play with fire?

While curiosity about fire is common, fire play or fire setting is not normal and can be deadly.

§ Is this just a phase that that they will grow out of?

It is not just a phase and you must deal with it immediately or it will continue to happen.

Good luck,

Mark Hutten, M.A.

My Out-of-Control Child: Help for Parents with Oppositional, Defiant Children

Home-School an ODD Teen?

Mark-

Thank you for such a great website. It really helps to have this support. I started applying your advice 3 days ago as I believe my son has ODD, and yes, it did get worse at first… I went through two days of hell while my 13 year old son punched, insulted and swore at me and his younger brother continuously- (his older sister keeps out of his way). I kept calm and did not show my anger and today he woke up in a good mood ...the first time in a many months. He was much calmer and only has had one outburst.

So I am continuing with the program and I know I have along way to go. He has been home from school for 3 weeks as he got beaten up by boys from his previous school and now says he hates school so I am trying to work with school, doctor and education authorities to get him back. (I live in England and the system is different here).

He is very bright but hates the school environment. I am a part-time college teacher myself and would like your opinion about whether I should let him home school which is what he wants or encourage him to return to school. I can see he really hates it but it is difficult for me to decide as I really enjoyed school as a child.

Thank you again so much... having the video clips is wonderful as being a single parent I have no one to discuss these problems with- what you say makes me laugh as it seems you are describing my child!

R.

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Hi R.,

It has been my experience that ODD children do poorly in regular school. I always recommend that they either home-school or attend an alternative school (alternative schooling being the better choice of the two).

In the event you would want to consider home-schooling, here are some ideas to get you started:

· A driving home-schooled adolescent can help take older family members to doctor appointments, grocery, etc.

· A family trip to learn History and Geography by seeing the country would be great fun full of valuable learning opportunities.

· A home-schooled adolescent can drive siblings to events while parents get other things accomplished (such as planning more difficult high school lessons).

· Doing a home improvement project as a family could increase home value while math, art and design skills, etc. are learned in a natural way.

· Grandparents can help teach valuable lessons while spending special time with their home-schooling grandkids.

· Home-schooling also allows one to know their child better.

· Home-schooling families can take vacations in off-season months which saves money and avoids crowds.

· Hours of practice can be dedicated to a special talent (spelling bee champs are often home-schoolers).

· If the home-school teacher is out of shape, doing 'P.E." together can be fun and healthy. Joining a local health club, pool, or walking club would add to the choices.

· If the home-school teacher loved art, for instance, visits to museums and taking community or college classes together could be great fun.

· In a family emergency, home-schooled students can travel or spend time helping out.

· Most home-schoolers get along well with their parents and trust their advice.

· Spending some time on a volunteer project could mean learning across the curriculum while changing the community in a wonderful way.

· Subjects that were missed in high school can be learned with the student.

· There are opportunities for high school aged adolescents to do internships or get a part time job. This can be a huge advantage later when needing to list experiences on job and college applications. Also, home-schoolers can work hours other kids can't.

· Today's DVDs and computer programs make learning fun for all ages.

· When students grow up as home-schooling friends and attend special functions together, all the parents and kids can get to know each other well. Home-schooled students tend to socialize well with kids of all ages and with parents too. This makes for safe and fun gatherings and outings in the important high school years.

Home-schooling families who learn to balance education and life to achieve a happy and healthy home are more likely to enjoy a home education lifestyle. Here are some ways to live daily life while home-schooling:

· Teens can help sell items on online auctions. Home-schoolers can learn life skills, math, language arts, and more as they help with family income.

· Add a garden journal where plant growth is tracked and math, handwriting, and language arts are covered naturally, as well as creating a good reference for the next year.

· Animals are instant learning opportunities.

· By refurbishing an old car, the family gets a classic vehicle and adolescents learn skills in 'auto shop.'

· Choose the best books and music, avoiding junk books and "mind candy."

· Computer games are always useful.

· Cooking, sewing, housework, and grocery shopping teach children life skills across the curriculum.

· Dealing with the inevitable bugs and watching growth teaches science.

· Encourage children to be discerning in building their own libraries.

· Find deals at used book-shops and yard sales.

· Games such as Yahtzee, Monopoly, and Blurt develop logic, math, and language arts skills.

· Gardening is important for providing food to some families.

· Older children can help in your work if you have a business.

· Plant flowers to pick (even if you only have room for one small pot).

· Saving up money for a good cause is also valuable.

· Saying "Hand me that pint of milk" teaches volume, for instance. Doubling recipes or measuring fabric help reach family goals for food and décor or clothing.

· Adolescents can make shopping lists, figure a family budget, do laundry, clean, etc.

· There are endless charities, churches, and non-profit organizations that would love help from home-schoolers.

· Volunteering as a family teaches the children compassion and other character traits, math, art, and life skills while fulfilling family goals to serve others in the community.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do,

Mark Hutten, M.A.

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Sibling Rivalry: Tips for Exhausted Parents

HI Mark - we have finished the course and I must say a BIG thank you! It is working....doesn't always go smoothly but has been really helpful for us and I am very grateful. Now I have another issue that doesn't seem to really be addressed within your course.

I have two boys - 16 (Junior) and 13 (8th grade). They are at each other constantly - picking verbally away until it escalates into an argument with shouting and yelling. The younger one knows how to goat the older one. Of course, they each think we take the others side and treat them differently.

Here is my question.....I'm upstairs - they are downstairs - I hear the argument beginning and by the time I get downstairs they are yelling at each other and shoving (of course the other one started it and swore or pushed me or something - and of course they both deny it ). I didn't hear nor see what just happened and I don't know who is telling the truth. If I say "just stop fighting and one of you go upstairs and one go downstairs," I am accused of not punishing one for hitting or swearing - "I always get punished and he never does" …etc......even though I didn't see it or hear it. Sometimes my 16 year old will go into a verbal rage because I don't give the younger one consequences. It totally raises my blood pressure and I am caught in the middle. What is my course of action? HUGE THANKS!!

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Hi T.,

What you’re referring to is sibling rivalry (which is covered in the audio portion of the online eBook).

“Ignoring” behavior is an over-rated parenting strategy – but when it comes to sibling rivalry – it is often the best strategy. Here’s a two-part plan:

1. Don't take sides. If you intervene in squabbling, it should never be on one side or the other. Never intervene on one side or the other unless there is possible harm. By harm I mean the possibility of causing injury, not minor pain. Say, "The two of you stop it” …rather than, “Michael, stop hitting your brother” (which sounds like you’re taking sides).

2. Never listen to what went on. And I mean never. Again, the only exception is if there is potential harm to one or the other child.

When rivalry is present, here are the four common issues that kids are really fighting about:

1. Expressing competition. We live in a competitive society and sibling rivalry is an extension of that. It’s a way for kids to compete with each other and learn how to manage their own competitive behavior.

2. Getting a parent’s attention. This is the most common issue that spurs sibling fighting.

3. Jealousy. One sibling may be jealous of the other (what the other one has, how the other one looks, or how well the other one does in school).

4. Teasing. Sibling fighting may take the form of teasing. By doing this, they test the limits of what’s socially acceptable. In the family, kids can test what they can say by judging what kind of pain it causes. Though children may learn important lessons about how to interact with other people, there are other ways to learn that are less hurtful.

Here’s a list of helpful tips that parents can use to reduce or stop sibling rivalry:

Avoid favoritism. Some researchers believe that perceived favoritism is the greatest cause of sibling rivalry. So avoiding it helps immensely. This can be challenging since parents may favor certain traits in teenagers over other traits. That means teenagers who have the favored traits become favored.

• Hint #1: Pay attention to each child and determine what kind of attention is needed. Consider that teenagers are different and need different things at different times. An exact minute for minute accounting of your attention is not essential. Sometimes a child may require some extra time.
• Hint #2: Give each child his or her own special time with you. During this time, make sure no one else is around to compete for your attention.

Don’t take sides, don't be the judge. When they’re fighting, tell the kids, “I want you two to work this out,” and walk away. Don’t get involved in the fight.

Don't pay attention to the fight; stay out of it. If they are fighting for your attention and you don't get involved, they will learn other, hopefully better ways to get your attention.

Know when to intervene. Sibling rivalry can develop into abuse if one sibling regularly victimizes the other. If you follow all of the above, this probably will not happen. But if you’re still struggling with this situation, be alert. Check to see if someone is really getting hurt and who’s too helpless to stop the abuser. The abuse can be physical, emotional, or sexual. If it’s going on, your response must be prompt and significant. This must not be allowed. If you can’t stop the abuser yourself, seek outside help—a counselor, a friend of family member, or the police or other authorities if you can't stop it any other way.

Make clear that ongoing conflict is unacceptable. When the fighting has stopped, say something to the rivals like, “I’m unhappy with the present level of fighting and I want you two to find a way to work this out.” If a fight is just beginning, you may give the rivals a group goal so they can work together for a positive outcome.

Offer problem-solving strategies when the teenagers are not fighting. It may be necessary to work with each child individually, but be really careful that you are not inadvertently playing into the rivalry by giving the desired attention. Offer support without saying whether the child is right or wrong. Ask what the child thinks the fight was about and how he or she might avoid this kind of fight in the future.

Remain positive. By finding something positive about each of your teenagers on an ongoing basis, you’ll reduce the level of sibling rivalry.

Teach empathy. Empathy is the opposite of sibling rivalry. The more sensitive siblings are to each other’s emotions, the less they’ll challenge each other as rivals.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

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