I felt my only solution was to ask her to move out...

I am a mother of three children and I run a daycare from my house. I have a sixteen year old daughter who I have always referred to as having intense anger Issues. Over the years I have felt I dealt with my children fairly assertively and mildly indulgent I got 63 on your test. My son is 14 my other daughter is 8. All my children have been expected to do certain things around the house and have been issued consequences for inappropriate behaviours. My kids are good kids the two older ones each have outside jobs. Pay for most of their things they need. They are all good students and respect curfews and most rules in our home. Now the problem my husband and I have is with my sixteen yr old when she is presented with something she does not agree with she becomes extremely intense very quickly at times without much warning. She swears and becomes physical at times. I have tried the poker face response and have a problem with my other children seeing her react this way. They see that she is getting away with it all though she usually receives a consequence afterwards and frankly accepts it well. But my other kids find her intensity scary. She has been diagnosed recently as bipolar. After a recent incidence I felt my only solution was to ask her to move out which she has done. The house is so much less tension as we all seemed to be walking on glass constantly. I would love to have her back. What would you suggest be the best solution on doing this without making her thinks she has control.

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I’m assuming that - since your daughter has recently been diagnosed with bipolar – she is seeing a Child & Adolescent Psychiatrist who is in the process of trying to find the right dosage and combination of medications to treat her symptoms. This process will take a year or two. Once she is stabilized from a medical standpoint, she should be much less impulsive and explosive. So, proper medication is key here.

Recent research suggests that kids and teens with bipolar disorder don't always have the same behavioral patterns that adults with bipolar disorder do. For example, kids who have bipolar disorder may experience particularly rapid mood changes and may have some of the other mood-related symptoms listed below, such as irritability and high levels of anxiety. But they may not show other symptoms that are more commonly seen in adults.

Because brain function is involved, the ways people with bipolar disorder think, act, and feel are all affected. This can make it especially difficult for other people to understand their condition. It can be incredibly frustrating if other people act as though someone with bipolar disorder should just "snap out of it," as if a person who is sick can become well simply by wanting to. Bipolar disorder isn't a sign of weakness or a character flaw; it's a serious medical condition that requires treatment, just like any other condition.

Although there's no cure for bipolar disorder, treatment can help stabilize a person's moods and help the person manage and control symptoms. Like other teens with long-lasting medical conditions (such as asthma, diabetes, or epilepsy), teens with bipolar disorder need to work closely with their doctors and other medical professionals to treat it. This team of medical professionals, together with the teen and family, develop what is called a “treatment plan.” Teens with bipolar disorder will probably receive medication, such as a mood stabilizer, from a psychiatrist or other medical doctor. A psychologist or other type of counselor will provide counseling or psychotherapy for the teen and his or her family. Doctors will watch the symptoms closely and offer additional treatment advice if necessary.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

Help for Drug-Addicted Son

Update on the situation here. My son (who decided to move out with friends) came home today and asked my husband if he could come home. My husband told him that we would have no problem if the kid that we had last year came home but not the kid he has become. Mark I really had a good kid up until last summer of 2008. He was always appreciative and respectful now I have this monster. All of Chris's friends that he had hate the new group he started hanging around with they call this group the kids that are going no where. Chris started smoking drugs with this bunch. Chris told my husband that he doesn't see the problem with him having this habit. The reason he left was because we would not tolerate this behaviour, I am not going to change it is against my values and my morales to have a kid sitting there doing drugs. This kid choose this live style not me. It was like he choose to lose.

What steps do I do here, I don't want him home if it is going to be the same old thing. He ran away in March and came back 6 weeks later and we had him do a contract with the rules. No smoking dope, no skipping school, showing respect to us. He came home lasted 2 days, and he was telling me that he was staying out all night on a Sunday night and I would see him Monday night, I told him that if he left he would have consequences he told me that he was out for the night and that it was none of my business where he was going. I locked up the house the next day left a note on the door he could come back home on Saturday when my husband and I were home and discuss the situation. We were have a roof put on that day, he asked the roofer for the ladder and got in through the bathroom window. He left me a note saying well I told you I was only going out for 1 night and I would be home and I will see you on Saturday. This kid had decided he was running the show here, my house and I was taking orders from him. He came home on Saturday and kept up this behaviour. He got kicked out of his co-op program. This kid had won the leadership award at school and the engineering award, MPV 3 years in a row in soccer. My husband as me to please hold on until after June so that the kid would get his credits for school and I bit my tongue. By July I had a real monster here and that's when he stole the car, stole money from us etc. and I started to use your techniques and it was working until the one day he was getting to aggressive and then I told him that if he hated it here that he should work out a plan to leave and that is when he called his friend's mother and asked her if he could still move in with her and she said I will sent my son over with the truck to get your stuff and off he went. The next week there was a t-shirt that was knotted up and left at my door step I opened the t-shirt and inside the knot was sharp pieces of glass, the same week my car was keyed.

Mark, my father was a violent alcholic and so was my husband's dad. We hating living at home, just hated it. I don't want round 2. What do you do to get someone to realize that you are not going to change but they need to?

My brother thinks that when he talks to me that it just gives him more fuel for the fire, to say yes that is why I don't live there with them. That keeps him going for another few weeks. When I see him or talk to him on the phone I just keep it to 30 seconds and no more. I figure why give him more fuel for the fire. I think this was another one of his acts to con us. I don't want it to go back to what it was before he left.

Any advice. I am open to anything and even criticism if I am taking a hard approach.

A.

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Hi A.,

Your son has a huge risk of alcoholism and drug addiction given his heredity. I think it's safe to say that he will either have to stay clean and sober -- no use whatsoever -- or he will continue his decline.

I have worked with both adult and teen alcoholics/drug addicts since 1994. The one thing that continues to disturb me greatly -- even after 14 years of working with these clients -- is the unfortunate fact that most must hit several hard bottoms over the course of several years (if not decades) before they can finally agree that their chemical abuse/dependence is a real problem that needs to be addressed. Then, and only then, will the client pursue sobriety.

The insidiousness of drug abuse (i.e., what makes it so dangerous) is that the "drug" becomes the most important thing in the person's life ...more important than health ...more important than family and friends ...more important than getting an education ...more important than work ...sanity ...God ...and even life.

Your son does not see his use of chemicals as a problem. Thus he is not going to stop using them any time soon. So you can say, "Once you start rehab, we will consider letting you come home -- but until that time, you must live elsewhere."

Mark Hutten, M.A.

My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Teen Cutting & Suicidal Threats

How do I deal with my 14 year old daughter's "unspoken" threats to hurt herself/commit suicide? She has never said anything to me, but I know from reports to her school guidance counselor, her comments/poetry on my space, and having heard from her friend's and their parents. She knows I am aware because of school, parent, and child services involvement. However, when I try to discuss it or when it is brought up by the school, parents, or others she denies it (e.g. that she said or did anything self-destructive, or that she want to die). She has been cutting herself for some time and acting out in many other ways. This self destructive behavior and comments have been going on for nearly a year and continue to escalate with each passing week. My gut instinct based on my knowing her, tells me she is doing this to manipulate people (especially me, but also friends for attention) and situations, but I am also concerned about the underlying emotional factors that are driving this behavior. She refuses to participate in any type of counselling and will not talk to me or any adults about it. I have been told by the school and the authorities that until she does something drastic that there is nothing they can/will do. Can you provide any advice/resources?

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Hi J.,

Re: cutting.

Please review the page on cutting: MyOutOfControlTeen.com/cutting

Re: threats of suicide.

Hormones, problems at school, feelings of inadequacy and emotional development can all play a part when an adolescent threatens suicide. Sometimes they are looking for attention, and sometimes they have every intention of following through with their threats. Regardless of the motivation, however, you should never treat it as an empty threat. When your adolescent threatens suicide, you should act quickly and ask questions later.

The most important thing to do when your adolescent threatens suicide is to keep her in your line of sight. Even if you are absolutely certain that your adolescent is crying out for attention -- and therefore has no intention of following through -- you will never forgive yourself if your suspicions are wrong.

Realize that you cannot handle this yourself, no matter how close you are with your adolescent. Threats of suicide mean that you need an expert's assistance in the matter, regardless of the time or circumstance. You might consider calling a psychiatrist and making an emergency appointment. This might be difficult if you don't live in a large city, but most psychiatrists will arrange emergency visits.

Here’s more info on teen suicide:

1. Anti-social behaviors are not good indicators of suicide risk as once thought. Suicide is equally common among popular kids as it is among unpopular kids.

2. Movies, music, books and web sites do not lead to suicide. Often these media get blamed when a suicide occurs because certain types of music or web sites are found among the deceased possessions. In reality suicidal people tend to seek these things out rather than be led astray by them. A sudden and extreme interest in these things can be a precursor to a suicide attempt.

3. Peer pressure is at its most influential during the teen years and things like bullying and exclusion by peers can cause teens to see death as the only way out or as a way of gaining attention from peer groups that ignore them.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

4. Statistically speaking suicide is the second leading cause of death among teenagers, a close second to automobile accidents. Some experts feel that many car accidents are actually suicides and that the rates are so close that suicide may actually be the leading cause of death in teens.

5. Suicide clusters, multiple suicides within a closed community or peer group, often occur and are not fully understood by experts. When a suicide occurs at your school or in your community it is wise to seek help for friends who have threatened suicide or attempted suicide in the past as cluster victims are not always known to one another.

6. Suicide pacts are a youth phenomenon and are almost non-existent in other age groups. Experts feel that peer pressure may be in part to blame since it is at its most influential during the teen years. If a friend ever pressures you to commit suicide or to aid them in their attempt seek help immediately.

7. Suicide threats should always be taken seriously. Even threats veiled as jokes can mask a sincere desire to harm oneself. Always seek help for a friend who threatens suicide or repeatedly jokes about killing themselves.

8. The reasons why suicide is so prevalent among teens is still a mystery but experts do have some ideas as to why teenagers are at a greater risk. The three most common factors considered to account for the high suicide rate among teens are; an immortality complex in which teens don't appear to grasp the finality of death, reactive-immaturity in which the psyche is thought to not yet have developed enough maturity to control emotional reactivity to negative or hurtful occurrences, and broad hormonal fluctuations that can lead to irrational thought processes and bouts of depression.

9. There is no such thing as a failed suicide attempt; these are really desperate cries for help. Often people think that somebody who tries to commit suicide but survives is only seeking attention but in reality suicide survivors are 12x more likely to eventually die from suicide than teens who threaten suicide but do not ever act on the threat. People who have attempted suicide and survived are at a high risk to eventually take their own life.

10. While clinical depression is common among suicidal people of all ages it is less common in teens. Suicidal teens are more likely to be reacting to social and environmental pressures when they become suicidal than they are to be suffering from a true mental illness. For this reason suicide is often harder for experts to predict in teens.

Hope this helps,

Mark Hutten, M.A.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Son used his step mom's credit card to purchase an online gaming membership...

Mark, we just found out that my 16 y.o. son used his step mom's credit card to purchase an online gaming membership. His bio mom caught him stealing checks from her husband a year ago. The credit card theft is a felony here in Texas. How should I handle this with him?

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When a teen has been caught stealing, a parent's reaction should depend on whether it's the first time or there's a pattern of stealing. When there’s pattern of stealing, it's recommended that parents follow through with stricter consequences. For example, when a teen is caught stealing, the parent can take the teen back to the store and meet with the security department to explain and apologize for what happened.

The embarrassment of facing up to what he or she did by having to return a stolen item makes for an everlasting lesson on why stealing is wrong.

Further punishment, particularly physical punishment, is unnecessary and could make the teen angry and more likely to engage in even worse behavior.

If it's a first-time offense, some stores and businesses may accept an apology and not necessarily press charges. However, some stores press charges the first time around. And there's often little sympathy for repeat offenders.

Kids of all ages should know that stealing is a crime and can lead to consequences far worse than being grounded, including juvenile detention centers and even prison.

If a teen steals money from a parent, the teen should be offered options for paying back the money, like doing extra chores around the house. It's important, however, that a parent does not “bait” the teen by leaving out money in the hopes of catching the teen in the act. That could damage the sense of trust between a parent and teen.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Advice regarding helping our son adopt better sleep, nutrition, and academic habits...

Mark,

You may not be able to offer any specific advice on our issue, but I have to bring this up – we are at our rope’s end.

Our son, R___, is having a tough time focusing on his academics. He is 16, a junior in public high school, Port Orange Florida. He is in the IB (International Baccalaureate) program. Over the past year and a half his grades have steadily decreased: his current reporting period (4 week) GPA is 1.7 a solid “D.” He is an avid an accomplished soccer player, but at the rate he’s going he will be on academic suspension. His outlook for college is at best, not good – despite the fact that he definitely seems to want to go to college. (We are beginning to wonder if the IB program is just too hard for him, although says he really wants to do it.)

We’ve just subscribed to OPS. We’ve read your online material, in particular advice to one parent regarding a similar situation in which you made the following points:

(1) Let him do his own work – that’s his job, his teachers are his bosses.
(2) His sleep habits are poor – he stays up late – often past midnight, as late as 1:00. Wakeup is a chore taking 3-5 attempts.

Adding to this is the following:

(3) He has very poor nutrition habits. My wife has tried may times to prepare healthy meals – he will have no part of them, but drinks energy drinks, eats bagels and cream cheese, pizza, an occasional ham and cheese sandwich, never vegetables.

(4) He is hearing impaired – his acuity in the higher frequencies is significantly impaired. He has aids, but refuses to wear them (we suspect it may be a question of vanity, and refusal to acknowledge the impairment).

We have tried urging him to do his homework. That has not worked. Recently we have tried incentivizing him with money for good performance – his grades have just gotten worse (down to the current GPA).

My wife tends to have an authoritarian parenting style; I tend to have an indulgent style – so there is polarization in our approach – which may be making things worse.

Based on what I’ve just read (your advice to a parent in a similar situation minus the hearing and nutrition problems) we will likely follow your advice, and

(1) Remove the TV from his room
(2) Do the one reveille call in the morning – perhaps even with a real bugle.

We are also considering restricting his social life (going out on weekends, but no weekend sleepovers), but we would like your opinion.

Bottom line: If you have ANY specific advice regarding helping our son adopt better sleep, nutrition, and academic habits, we would SINCERELY appreciate it.

Many thanks in advance for any specific help,

Desperately yours,

H.

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Hi H.,

Re: sleep.

Many parents allow their children to stay up late on weekends to watch TV and play video games...

BIG mistake!

...then to make matters worse, they allow their children to sleep in on Sat. and Sun. mornings...

Another BIG mistake!

Why? Because it takes until the middle of the school week (i.e., approx. Wednesday) for the child to make up for sleep deficits (i.e., they get only about 4 -5 hours of sleep Sunday night since they have to get up on Monday morning for school...

...then the weekend comes, and the cycle starts all over.

Don't make these mistakes.

Also, he should only get one wake-up call. You are clearly taking the responsibility AWAY from him by nagging him to get up. As long as you nag -- he'll sleep.

Re: nutrition.

You have bigger fish to fry than this one. This should go in the "pick your battles carefully" file.

Re: academic habits.

I think you know where I stand on this issue since you've already read the recommendations.

Final point: I'm a bit concerned that you are rushing through the program. The academic biz is in Session #4 / Week #4 -- you just signed-up yesterday!

Rushing things WILL be the kiss of failure - I promise.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Son

Oppositional Defiant Disorder [ODD] in Adults

Dear Mark

I have just signed on for your e-course. My son has recently been diagnosed with ODD and thank God I have an answer to the challenge (understatment of the year!) that it has been trying to understand what was going on with him. He is only eight years old but I have had nightmares about what would become of his future and of my sanity!

The thing is the more I read about the disorder for my son, the more pieces fall in place for the troubles I have had and am still having with my husband and marriage. He is sooooo much like our boy in nearly every way. At the same time, all that I read on the subject pertains to children and teenagers. Although he would probably have a fit if he knew I was even thinking it about him, i desperately need to know if adults can suffer from the disorder as well?

Regards,

J.

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Hi J.,

Re: ...i desperately need to know if adults can suffer from the disorder as well?

Absolutely. And the good thing is: You can use many of the parenting strategies that you will be using with your son with your husband.

It is very common for a mother to feel as though she is raising two children -- her child and her husband. This topic leads to a discussion about co-dependency on the mother's part (which I don't have time to get into right now).

Maladaptive behaviors are serious enough when the adult cannot maintain employment or constantly moves from job to job, has trouble with "significant other" relationships (possible multiple divorces), or has a strong dependence on alcohol, substances or negative habits.

Although we're talking about adults here, young people can engage in similar behaviors when they have trouble in school, have difficulty making and keeping friends, and rely on fancy toys or video games to synthetically alter their mood.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

Teachers Triggering Temper Tantrums in Students

Mark-

I’m a middle school teacher. Actually I purchased your ebook to help me understand – and cope with – some of my unruly students. It has been an immense help. One question: How do you deal with a student who – out of the clear blue – slips into a temper tantrum?

Thanks,

M.

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Hi M.,

When a youngster reportedly has 'temper tantrums' in school, one of the first questions I always ask is whether this is also happening in the home. If it is, then is it only happening when homework or school-related matters arise, or is it happening in other situations as well? Thinking about under what conditions the kid loses control can help us determine where to start looking, what accommodations might be needed, and what other assessments and/or interventions might be needed.

Suppose that the kid is not having 'temper tantrums' at home, but is having them in school. While it is still possible that it is the kid's disability that is the primary contributor the problem (e.g., a kid with depression may "explode" in school when asked to concentrate or produce for long periods of time), we also need to look closely at how the school is handling the kid. Have they made enough accommodations? If there's a plan in place, have they followed it?


==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

In my experience, it seems that in some cases, school personnel have been responsible for triggering a temper tantrum or pushing the kid past his or her limits. Consider the following (and unfortunately true) example where a teacher knows a kid has Oppositional Defiant Disorder and that one of the kid's symptoms is that he "has to" finish something he is reading. On a particular day, the teacher instructs the class to put their books down as it is time to do another activity. The kid with ODD doesn't comply, and the teacher cues him again to put the book down and start the next task. The kid with ODD continues reading and tries to leave the room to go finish the book. The teacher refuses, blocks the doorway, and tries to take the book away. The kid with ODD "explodes," and swings at the teacher.

In the preceding example, one could argue that we should hold the youngster responsible for his behavior and that he has to learn that no matter what, he cannot take a swing at people. And on some level, I'd agree with that. The problem with the school disciplining the kid for it, however, is that such consequences may not reduce the likelihood of it happening again if the youngster's compulsion is that severe, and it fails to discipline the teacher who failed to respect the youngster's limits. If teachers "get in the face" of youngsters who are known to have behavior problems, then aren't they as responsible for what happens as the youngster?

In my opinion, when it comes to school, the teachers, as the adults, have the responsibility to manage themselves so that they don't engage in an escalating pattern with the youngster. And one of the most effective ways to help school personnel recognize the limits and what to do in particular situations is staff development. Teachers are often concerned that they will lose their authority with the class if they don't "discipline" an out-of-control child. The reality is that their "discipline" is often punitive and escalates a bad situation into a full-blown "temper tantrum."

Even when teachers are not provoking or causing the youngster's problems, they may be the youngster's last hope of restoring themselves to a calmer state. Learning how to stay calm, recognize the signs of impending explosions, and helping the youngster make a graceful exit so that they can calm themselves are important skills. Realizing that you are not "rewarding the youngster for misbehavior" if you allow them to switch to an activity that is inherently interesting to them and that helps them focus and calm themselves is also important. Maintaining your empathy for an explosive kid can make all the difference.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents