Over-Indulgence vs. Accountability

Hi J.,

I've responded throughout your email below:

Hi Mark,

I have a decision to make and hope you can help me with it.

My son has his graduation trip booked and the balance payment of $1300 is due now in order to keep the booking of the spot. Originally we agreed that each of us pays a half of the fee and I will reimburse him if he graduates. He paid a half for the initial payment, and I paid the full second payment because he did not have the money ready though he was working. So I told him he would pay the third payment all by himself and he didn't. It was an optional payment, so was left with the balance to be paid all together now.

He has not working since September for he planned he would study hard. He did not do that but goes to school every day and is not doing well, hit and miss with the passing.

I have been hoping that he would come to me and ask about it because he should worry about the balance payment. He hasn't. Shall I just pay it quietly?

==> Only if you want to continue to use an over-indulgent parenting style (the type of parenting that has contributed significantly to your current parent-child difficulties). I would suggest that you stick to the original agreement. If your son defaults on his part, then he chooses to lose the trip.

Shall I talk to him and then pays it? Shall I forget about it and lose the a few hundred already paid. The counselor we are seeing thinks that I should just pay for it and tell my son that he has been trying(because he goes to school every day). What shall I do and say to him? I feel stuck.

==> We always want to set-up situations at home that are representative of how the real world operates, and in the real world, if one does not live up to his end of the deal, the deal falls through.

Whenever you are in doubt about what to do in any particular situation, always ask yourself, "Is the decision I'm about to make going to foster the development of self-reliance or dependency?"

If your decision will help foster self-reliance -- it is a good decision. If it will foster more dependency, then you should come up with a different plan.

Clearly, allowing your son to forget his part of the original deal will foster more dependency. The money you'll lose will be money well spent on teaching your son a valuable lesson.

Mark

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Teens & Stealing

Hi P.,

I've responded throughout your email below:

Hi Mark,

This is a wonderful service you provide. I have read most of your e-book and have pick up a lot of tips already.

Thank you for the kind words.

I have a question for you which I couldn't find an answer in the book.

My teen daughter (one of twins) is constantly taking things (particularly) my things without asking and yes I am going to use the cliché "I have tried everything" to stop this behaviour. I have explained to her, if she asks there is the likelihood of me saying "yes" if it is returned after she has finished with it, but she doesn't return the things and still keeps taking without asking. The taking also includes taking and eating foods. I have started making her pay for certain items of food she eats, eg choc chips which I use for cookies.

Preteens and teens know they're not supposed to steal, but might steal for the thrill of it or because their friends do. Some might believe they can get away with it. As they're given more control over their lives, some teens steal as a way of rebelling. They might be angry or want attention. Their behavior may reflect stress at home, school, or with friends. In other cases, teens steal because they can't afford to pay for what they need or want — for example, they may steal to get popular name-brand items. In some cases, they may take things to support drug habits. Whatever the reason for stealing, parents need to find out the root of the behavior and address other underlying problems that may surface.

It's recommended that parents follow through with stricter consequences when teens steal. This is covered in Session #3 [When You Want Something From Your Kid].

We lost our eldest daughter in April, 2008 from a rare disease. I am not sure if some of this behaviour is to do with grieving. My thinking it is more attention seeking. She is a very loud person and when she wants to be heard, she yells or screams. I say to her "No one hears a loud person as they are focused on the loudness and not at what the person is saying." We have other issues with her too, but the above are most concerning to me at present.

I would be very pleased to receive some strategies on how to deal with these issues. Also I have difficulty thinking up consequences or punishment for issues. Do you have a list of consequences?

Here are a few ideas:

• Confession— Confession is more powerful because it requires us to acknowledge to ourselves and then to state to another person what we did wrong. Confession is the opposite of lying to prevent punishment; and therefore, it should be rewarded. But, confession doesn't erase the need to make amends or face other consequences of wrongdoing

• Extra chores— It's especially good for older teens who know how to do the chore on their own. They may do it in a huff because it's certainly no fun, but it gets the point across that you will not let misbehavior slide.

• Making amends— There is a healing experience for the offender when he makes amends for his wrongdoing. Things are made right and that is a powerful learning effect for a simple consequence.

• Parental disapproval— In the context of a loving parent-child relationship, parental disapproval is often the most motivating of consequences. When kids think to themselves why they should choose to not do something wrong, it's usually because their parent would disapprove, not because they will have to go to time-out. Parental disapproval does not mean shaming however, and it's good to keep in mind the adage to criticize the behavior, not the person.

• Removal of possessions such as TV, cell phone, use of house phone, computer, car, etc.— It hurts and it's meant to give the child the time to think about their misbehavior through a feeling of loss. That's why it's important to not allow the child to simply replace that possession with something else that is pleasurable. If they don't feel the loss, they don't learn the lesson. In cases of serious misbehavior that is not responding to consequences, removal of ALL possessions may be called for. In this case, children earn back their TV, computer, etc. through excellent behavior.

• Removal of privileges such as having a friend over, going on an outing— These are the short-term consequences that we give children when they misbehave. The common term is 'grounding'. Grounding is most effective when you follow the guidelines above. The child should be warned that they will be grounded if a specific misbehavior is repeated; it should be for a single outing or very short time period; and when it's given, you should follow through.

• Replacing a broken or lost object by earning money or working it off— Related to making amends, when a child damages or loses their own possession, the natural consequence is that they don't have it anymore. When it is someone else's possession, they should learn that restitution is the right thing to do. This isn't punishment, it's simply the way the world works.

• Saying 'I'm sorry'— Saying 'I'm sorry' feels like punishment to some of us, but what a valuable lesson we learn when we find forgiveness and reparation of a relationship through the words, 'I'm sorry.'

• Time-out— Time-out is a good consequence on a number of levels. It gives both of you a cooling-off period and avoids escalation to pointless, angry arguments. It is also a form of social isolation and as such, teaches that in order to participate in the social group, you must follow certain social behaviors.

Mark

P.S. Be sure to watch ALL the Instructional Videos [online version of the eBook].

My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Oppositional Defiant Husband

What you have described is the behavior of my husband who is 45 yrs old. We have been married 25 years. He does the opposite of what he is asked -- not just by me -- but his associates. Can this information help me deal in a better way with him, especially his temper and denial of any mistakes on his part. No counseling has never worked. Counselors in his mind are idiots.

Thanks,

J.

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Hi J.,

Great question. And the surprising answer is "Yes ...it will help with an oppositional, defiant spouse."

A significant number of mother's who join Online Parent Support state that they feel as though they are raising two children -- their child and their husband. The really cool (and unforeseen) benefit to this program is that the material will work on anyone (e.g., child, spouse, coworker, parent, etc.). Most people don't believe me when I say this, because it all "sounds too good to be true" -- and the old adage is "if it sounds too good to be true, then it probably is."

This is where I put my money where my mouth is. If it doesn't work -- email me and I'll give you a refund.

Do I have magic bullets? No. I just have a lot of experience in dealing with the oppositional, defiant personality.

Dealing with difficult people is really confusing and often troubling (unless you know how they think and what motivates them).

Mark

My Out-of-Control Husband

She has started to hit and kick us...

We started your program with our 3-year-old daughter 2 weeks ago, and when we ignore her she screams at us “...talk to me ...look at me” and she has started to hit and kick us.

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I would suggest you start making a concerted effort to "catch your daughter being good." When she cooperates, is helpful, or shows kindness, make sure you praise her, and give her a smile and a hug. Be specific with your praise, such as "I really like the way you played quietly while I was talking on the telephone," or "Honey, I'm so proud of the way you put your toys away!" This is providing intensity when “things are going right.”

The other side of this equation is that you need to wear your poker face when she whines, complains, or begs. If you repeatedly nag or lecture her, you are giving her exactly what she wants -- your intensity. When kids are acting out in order to get intensity, I always tell parents, "Don't get mad -- get boring." Eventually your daughter will learn that good behavior gets rewarded by praise and approval, while crying and whining get a consequence (usually in the form of a time out). Of course if she does something aggressive or destructive, you'll need to put her in a longer time out or give her a stiffer consequence, but administer the consequence calmly, in a businesslike, matter of fact way. Remember that if you let her get you upset and you start yelling or lecturing, she's gotten exactly what she wanted…your intensity.

Also, make sure you do special activities with her individually, apart from any other children.

==> Here are a ton of tips re: temper tantrums.

Mark

Teens Who Run Away

"16 year old daughter refuses to come home …don’t know where she is staying …skipping school …has a foul mouth lately …has a boyfriend that is doing same as she is."

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When parents begin to implement appropriate discipline for broken house rules, some children may respond by threatening to runaway from home if they do not get their way. If this occurs, defuse the situation, but do NOT threaten or challenge your child.

For example: “Daughter, you know that I cannot control you. And if you really want to run away from home, I cannot stop you. I cannot watch you 24 hours a day, and I can’t lock you up in the house. But no one in the world loves you the way I do. That is why we have established these house rules. Because I love you, I cannot stand by and watch you hurt yourself by __________ (e.g., not going to school, using drugs or alcohol, destroying house property), and running away from home will not solve the problem. You and I know it will only make matters worse.”

When your child runs away…

Teens who run away are not bad. They have made a bad decision. They got themselves caught up in pressures that they felt the need to escape from. Instead of facing their problem and solving it, they chose to run from it. We need to teach our teen how to face their problems, even if the problem is us. When they have the right tools to fix some of the things that may be going on in their lives, the pressure lessens, and there is no more need for them to escape.

Every teen either has tried or knows another teen who has run away.

I haven't met a teen yet who didn't know of someone's experience of running away. This can be a real problem, considering most teens will glamorize the experience.

Parents of teens who run away are not bad parents. You cannot lock them in. As much as you would like to build a wall around them, it is their choice whether or not to walk out the door.

If your teens runs:

• Call the Police, IMMEDIATELY! Don't wait 24 hours, do it right away.
• Ask investigators to enter your child into the National Crime Information Center (NCIC) Missing Persons File. There is no waiting period for entry into NCIC for children under age 18.
• Get the name and badge number of the officer you speak with.
• Call back often.
• Call everyone your child knows and enlist their help.
• Search everywhere, but do not leave your phone unattended.
• Search your teens room for anything that may give you a clue as to where he went.
• You may also want to check your phone bill for any calls they may have made recently.
• Call the National Runaway Switchboard 1-800-621-4000. You can leave a message for your child with them.

When your teen comes home:

Take a break from each other. Do not start talking about it right away. Your emotions are too high at this point to get anywhere in a conversation. Go two separate directions until you both have gotten some rest.

Ask and Listen. Why did they leave? You may want to evaluate a rule or two after speaking with them, but do not do so while having this talk. Tell them you are willing to think about it, and you will let them know.

Tell them how you felt about them going. Let them know that they hurt you by leaving. Let them know that there isn't a problem that can't solve. If they ever feel that running away might solve something, have them talk to you first. You could always offer other choices, so they can make a better decision.

Get some help. If this isn't the first time or you have problems communicating when they get back, it's time to ask for help. This could be a person that your child respects (e.g., an aunt or uncle), or you may want to seek professional help.

My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Kids & Cussing

My son will not do what he is told and everyday is a fight... help. He also has a foul mouth, swearing, ect... what can I do to get him to stop?

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While there are many ways parents can help children avoid bad language, there is no substitute for avoiding it yourself.

Most children under 3-years-old won't comprehend that certain words are unacceptable. Often, ignoring the offense may be the best defense when dealing with the very young. But after their third birthday, they're more likely to understand that some words are naughty. So take action. Get down on your knees, look your child directly in the eye, and tell him, “That's a word that we don't use in our family.” Make the words - not the child - the culprit to give him a chance to move away from the behavior.

If your child persists in using such language, show him you mean business with disciplinary action outlined in the My Out-of-Control Child eBook. For a four-year-old, that may mean calling a short time-out or taking away a favorite toy. Kids a little older may benefit from time spent in their rooms.

My Out-of-Control Child

Teens & Drugs

Moms & dads can help through early education about drugs, open communication, good role modeling, and early recognition if problems are developing. If there is any suspicion that there is a problem, parents must find the most appropriate intervention for their child.

The decision to get treatment for a child or adolescent is serious. Moms & dads are encouraged to seek consultation from a mental health professional when making decisions about substance abuse treatment for children or adolescents.

Parents and families must be informed consumers and should be involved in their child's recovery. Here are some important things to consider:

· Addicted or drug-abusing individuals with co-existing mental disorders should have both disorders treated in an integrated way. Because addictive disorders and mental disorders often occur in the same individual, individuals should be assessed and treated for the co-occurrence of the other type of disorder.

· Counseling (individual and/or group) and other behavioral therapies are critical components of effective treatment. In therapy, teens look at issues of motivation, build skills to resist drug use, replace drug-using activities with constructive and rewarding behaviors, and improve problem-solving skills. Behavioral therapy also facilitates interpersonal relationships and the teen's ability to function in the home and community.

· Effective treatment must attend to the multiple needs of the individual -- not just the drug use. Any associated medical, psychological, social, and cognitive problem must be addressed.

· Medical detoxification is only the first stage of addiction treatment and by itself does little to change long-term drug use. Medical detoxification safely manages the acute physical symptoms of withdrawal associated with stopping drug use. While detoxification alone is rarely sufficient to help addicts achieve long-term abstinence, for some individuals it is a strongly indicated precursor to effective drug addiction treatment.

· No single treatment is appropriate for all teens. It is important to match treatment settings, interventions, and services to each individual's particular problems and needs. This is critical to his or her ultimate success in returning to healthy functioning in the family, school, and society.

· Recovery from addiction can be a long-term process and frequently requires multiple episodes of treatment. As with other chronic illnesses, relapses to drug use can occur during or after successful treatment episodes. Addicted individuals may require prolonged treatment and multiple episodes of treatment to achieve long-term abstinence and fully restored functioning. Participation in self-help support programs during and following treatment often is helpful in maintaining abstinence. Moms & dads should ask what aftercare treatment services are available for continued or future treatment.

· Remaining in treatment for an adequate period of time is critical for treatment effectiveness and positive change. Each person is different and the amount of time in treatment will depend on his or her problems and needs. Research shows that for most individuals, the beginning of improvement begins at about 3 months into treatment. After this time, there is usually further progress toward recovery. Length of stay in a residential program can range from 8 to 18 months, depending upon the individual's willingness and commitment.

· Treatment does not need to be voluntary to be effective. Strong motivation can facilitate the treatment process. Sanctions or enticements in the family, school setting, or juvenile justice system can increase significantly both treatment entry and retention rates and the success of drug treatment interventions.

Online Parent Support