Last week he was arrested for shoplifting...

Hi Mark, we have been trying to work through the programme but are having difficulty with consequences, for example to breaking curfews. In the past 2 months, I__ has made new friends that we don't know, is secretive and has decided he can do what he wants. The change was so sudden, we're in shock! Last week he was arrested for shoplifting and today, I got a call from the Transit police saying that he was riding the skytrain without a ticket. The constable said he was heading into a bad area and hanging out with undesirables. We grounded him for three days after the shoplifting but he only stayed home for one day then snuck out again. It seems that we're unable to make the grounding stick and we are alarmed about the changes in him. He seems quite detached, agrees with everything we say and then does what he wants. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

Sincerely, A.

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Hi A.,

First of all, when teen’s behavior changes radically and suddenly, it is nearly always the case that he/she is experimenting with drugs and/or alcohol – and possibly has already developed a drug habit. Thus, you may have bigger fish to fry than “grounding problems.”

Secondly, he already received a “natural” consequence for shoplifting (just be sure he pays any fines out of his own money). When a teen is caught shoplifting, it is rarely the case that it is the first time. 

Here are a few ways that parents can use shoplifting incidents to teach lessons:
  1. “Volunteer” his time at a community agency.
  2. Assign him to write a paper on stealing.
  3. Have him apologize – in person, in writing, or both – to the people he stole from. If it’s a store, have him apologize to the manager.
  4. Make him buy some educational materials to donate to a local school, the police department or a community agency.
  5. Make the offender repay the price of the merchandise. If he doesn’t have the money, make him work it off. Be creative.
  6. When choosing to limit your child’s privileges, make sure it is something you have control over and can follow through on.

Thirdly, I’m not sure where you live, so I have no way of knowing what the Juvenile Codes (laws) are in your area. In the U.S., the recommendation to parents in your shoes is for them to (a) call police at the time curfew has been violated in order to file a report, (b) go to the local Juvenile Probation Department and file either “runaway” or “incorrigibility” complaints in order to enlist the help of an Officer of the Court, and (c) while the child is running the streets, confiscate everything (e.g., computers, cell phones, junk food, bedroom doors, video games, etc.). 

In worst-case scenarios - and depending on the child’s age - parents have been known to move their child out of the house to go live with a trusted friend, family member, residential facility, etc.

Bottom line: This is serious. You will have to pull the term “tough love” to a whole new level to address this properly.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

He didn't come home last night...

Hi Mark,

From my last email you could see things were progressing well and you said they would get worse before they got better. Anyway, it was the winter formal at the high school last night. A__ asked if he could stay at a friends house after the dance and we said no, we don't want to argue about it.............anyway, he called twice still trying to stay at a friends house, we continued to say no.......So, he didn't come home last night, he was to be home at 1:30am, he had no excuse for not coming back we even told him that we'd pick him up from wherever he was at 1:30am if he didn't have a ride.

So, my question to you is am i going to simply do the 3 day grounding thing or something else? Let me remind you that he was kicked out for not listening to our rules and only allowed to return on Tuesday evening being 3 days ago.

J.

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Hi J.,

First of all, don't be disappointed. Set-backs like this are very common (in fact I would wonder what's wrong if you didn't have any set-backs periodically).

Clearly, staying at the friend's house was very important to him.

Allow him to make these mistakes, then calmly implement the appropriate consequence as outlined in session #3.

Re: So, my question to you is am i going to simply do the 3 day grounding thing or something else?

I am quite concerned that you are leaping ahead in the program. You should still be in session #1. You will learn that we do not start out with 3-days for discipline. It will be best for you to digest most of the material -- and then ask any unanswered questions. Many of the questions you seem to be having here in the early going will be addressed in the eBook.

A good rule of thumb for new members of OPS is as follows:

Handle problems the way you ordinarily would -- until instructed to do it differently.

We must not implement of bunch of new parenting techniques over night. If we do, it will most likely be the kiss of failure. And most parents are really tired of failing.

Mark

Online Parent Support

Speak softly, and carry a big stick...

Hi Mark, I seem to have reached stalemate. We are not having as many arguments as I refuse to get angry and always use my best poker face, however my son has a nasty angry response to every single thing I say, even if it is just hello. The responses are normally "shut up, don't speak to me, I don't want to talk to you, F... off " …I understand this is him just trying to push my buttons, but how can we move on from this. I can't have any conversation. I have tried asking him once per week to join us for dinner, but to no avail (although I will keep going). There is no way he would ever accompany us on an outing. I know we still have a long way to go. Can you point me in the right direction? Thanks. S.

Click here for my response...

His pediatrician refers to him as a "case study"...

Good morning Mark,

Oh my God, it is actually working. Adam has now been back at home 2 days and last night he tried pushing our buttons again, with no success. We remained calm and told he we didn't want to argue. He wanted to use the car to go to his friend’s house and we said that he had nothing to earn the use of the car. We told him if he did his homework he could use it and he chose not to, so he walked. Before he left he said something odd he said "you guys aren't talking to me", I said "I don't know what you mean, we talked all through dinner and after dinner (when we insisted he do dishes).....". Anyway, you know what we didn't do, we didn't yell and scream and I guess he thought that we hadn't talked to him because of it....very strange. We said we loved him before he went to bed and this morning before he left and asked him to make good choices today. My husband has a hard time telling him that he loves him, but he did it, I was very proud of him. Actually, I think we both have a hard time saying "I love you" right now, because he has been so awful to be around.

I guess you might not really want an update, but I just needed to tell you because I was soooo impressed.

Oh, one more thing, our son is severe ADHD to a point that his pediatrician refers to him as a "case study" and has agreed to keep him on as a patient until he is 18 instead of 16.

J.

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Hi J.,

Thank you for the update. Updates are always welcome -- even if they are not so pretty.

Mark

Online Parent Support

This program makes a lot of sense to me...

Dear Mark,

I am sure you have heard it all before...but I was (am) at my wits in with my 15-year-old son. We have made our first appearance in the court for his truancy. He attends school every day, but he "skips" the detention classes and our district is strict on it's policy and counts this as an absent.

He is failing every class except Gym and a sports fitness class. They are very low F's in the 20-30%, which tells me he is just physically there and not contributing at all. It started last year, new school he played football his 8th grade year, he is a very good athlete. His grades started to fail and the school couldn't let him play basketball. He gave up when they took his sports away from him. Even after informing him that if he brought his grades up he could be a starter on the varsity team his freshman year. He wouldn't do the schoolwork to get him back on track again.

All he does now is come home and shut the door to his room, play online video games. Never speaks unless he wants something. I know that I spoiled him, over indulgence. His dad and I have been divorced for 13 years, and we have always put him first. His dad and I have been close and remain so. I have been remarried for 11 years, and my son and husband don't have much respect for each other.

So when I came across your website and ebook, I bought it right away! I am so excited to have access to this knowledge. We are to start family therapy in January through our local University, which was ordered by the court. I felt I needed something right away, and I am so glad I came upon your program. I look forward to working the program and having a relationship with my son again.

I never thought that my over indulgence with my son would cause all the behavior that we have been experiencing in the house. Just about every "symptom" of over indulgence you have explained, he is (we are) experiencing.

I love my son. I want to see him succeed in life and in love. Besides his bad behavior and lack of academic success, he is a good kid. I believe with the help of your program, I can possibly get my entire family back on track again. So thank you, I just feel this is my answer.

This program makes a lot of sense to me. I appreciate the straight talk and not a bunch of lists and personal research. I need help now and that is what I feel this offers.

Thanks again.

Sincerely,

C.R.

Online Parent Support

When Kids Refuse To Attend School: Case Examples

Sara, an eight-year-old girl, has always had difficulty attending school. Since she began third grade two months ago, her problems have significantly worsened. She constantly begs to stay home from school, having tantrums that cause delay in dressing and often result in her missing the bus. After arriving at school, Sara frequently complains of stomachaches, headaches and a sore throat to her teacher and asks to visit the school nurse with whom she pleads to call her mother. Her mother typically picks her up early twice a week. When Sara gets home she spends the remainder of the afternoon watching TV and playing with her toys. When her mother is unable to pick her up early, Sara calls her mother's cell phone periodically throughout the afternoon to "check in" and reassure herself that nothing bad has happened. Sara's teacher has expressed concern about her missing so much class time, which has resulted in incomplete assignments and difficulty learning.

Craig is a fourteen-year-old boy who has missed forty-three days of school since beginning the eighth grade four months ago. When home from school, Craig spends most of the day online or playing video games. On the days he does attend school he is typically late for his first period, which enables him to avoid hanging out with other kids before class. He always goes to the library during lunch. When he does go to class, he sits in the back of the classroom, never raises his hand and has difficulty working on group projects. Craig's teachers have noticed that he is always absent on days that tests or book reports are scheduled. His moms & dads have already punished him after his first report card came home since he received D's in Math and Social Studies and failed Gym for cutting. Craig's moms & dads have started to wonder if they should change his school placement and have asked the school to arrange home tutoring while this alternative is explored.

Prevalence and defining characteristics—

As much as 28% of school aged kids in America refuse school at some point during their education.1 School refusal behavior is as common among boys as girls. While any youngster aged 5-17 may refuse to attend school, most youths who refuse are 10-13 years old. Peaks in school refusal behavior are also seen at times of transition such as 5-6 and 14-15 years as kids enter new schools. Although the problem is considerably more prevalent in some urban areas, it is seen equally across socioeconomic levels.

Sara and Craig are just two examples of how school refusal manifests in youth. The hallmark of this behavior is its heterogeneity. Defined as substantial, youngster-motivated refusal to attend school and/or difficulties remaining in class for an entire day, the term "school refusal behavior" replaces obsolete terms such as "truancy" or "school phobia," because such labels do not adequately or accurately represent all youths who have difficulty attending school. School refusal behavior is seen as a continuum that includes youths who always miss school as well as those who rarely miss school but attend under duress. Hence, school refusal behavior is identified in youths aged 5-17 years who:

1. go to school following crying, clinging, tantrums or other intense behavior problems
2. exhibit unusual distress during school days that leads to pleas for future absenteeism
3. attend school initially but leave during the course of the school day
4. are entirely absent from school

As evidenced by Sara and Craig, there are varying degrees of school refusal behavior. Initial school refusal behavior for a brief period may resolve without intervention. Substantial school refusal behavior occurs for a minimum of two weeks. Acute school refusal behavior involves cases lasting two weeks to one year, being a consistent problem for the majority of that time. Chronic school refusal behavior interferes with two or more academic years as this refers to cases lasting more than one calendar year. Youths who are absent from school as a result of chronic physical illness, school withdrawal which is motivated by moms & dads or societal conditions such as homelessness, or running away to avoid abuse should not be included in the above definition of school refusal behavior as these factors are not youngster-initiated.

While some school refusers exhibit a more heterogeneous presentation, typically these youths can be categorized into two main types of troublesome behavior -- internalizing or externalizing problems. The most prevalent internalizing problems are generalized worrying ("the worry-wart"), social anxiety and isolation, depression, fatigue, and physical complaints (e.g. stomachaches, nausea, tremors and headaches). The most prevalent externalizing problems are tantrums (including crying and screaming), verbal and physical aggression, and oppositional behavior.

The cause and maintenance of school refusal behavior—

Sara had several physiological symptoms at school and went home to be with her mother and play. Craig on the other hand, avoided potentially distressing social and evaluative situations at school, which negatively impacted his academic performance. Although many behaviors characterize youths who refuse school, there are a few variables that serve to cause and maintain this problem. School refusal behavior occurs for one or more of the following reasons:

1. To receive attention from significant others outside of school
2. To pursue tangible reinforcement outside of school
3. To escape uncomfortable peer interactions and/or academic performance situations such as test-taking or oral presentations
4. To avoid school-related objects or situations that cause general distress such as anxiety, depression or physiological symptoms

The above four reasons for school refusal behavior can be explained by principles of reinforcement. Any one youngster can refuse school for one or more of these reasons. The first two reasons characterize youths who refuse school to avoid or escape something unpleasant (negative reinforcement). For example, one of the reasons for Sara's crying in the morning is her fear of riding the school bus. By tantruming she accomplishes her goal of avoiding the school-related object (the school bus) that causes her distress.

Another example of negative reinforcement is when Craig escapes aversive peer interactions and exams by school refusing. The third and fourth reasons characterize youths who refuse school to gain rewards (positive reinforcement). Sara, as is common with many younger kids, tries to avoid school as a means of having her mother provide her with excessive attention and closeness. Thus, Sara's behavior in this situation may be associated with separation anxiety.

Another instance of positive reinforcement is exemplified by Craig, who basically has more fun being at home on the computer and listening to music than being in school. It is important to note that alcohol and drug use can occur among adolescents who school refuse for one or more of the reasons listed above. For example, a teenager who is extremely socially anxious may drink alcohol as a way of enduring distressing social or evaluative situations. Another youngster who avoids school may smoke marijuana during school hours as a means of gaining acceptance by peers or simply because it is more enjoyable than attending school.

While all forms of school refusal can be equally debilitating, typically, mental health professionals receive fewer referrals for youths who have internalizing as opposed to externalizing behavior problems. In other words, the youth who exhibits anxiety is less likely to receive treatment than the youth who is disruptive.

Treatment—

School personnel -- teachers, nurses, principals -- are frequently the first professionals to identify the existence of a problem that requires immediate attention and intervention. As such, school personnel play a vital role in alerting moms & dads to the problem and helping facilitate referrals for treatment by mental health specialists. The next step towards effective treatment by mental health professionals is gaining an understanding of the reasons that motivate school refusal. While school refusal per se is not a clinical disorder in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition, it can be associated with several psychiatric disorders (e.g. Separation Anxiety Disorder, Social Phobia, Conduct Disorder). Thus, it is vital that youths who are school refusing receive a comprehensive evaluation that includes a structured diagnostic interview and empirically supported assessment measures, such as "The School Refusal Assessment Scale" (SRAS), to understand the biopsychosocial factors contributing to their behavior.

Once a clear diagnostic picture is established, an individualized treatment plan can be developed to address the positive and negative reinforcers that are associated with the school refusal behavior and comorbid psychiatric disorders.

The traditional treatments for school refusal behavior employed by mental health professionals have unfortunately had limited effectiveness. While certain treatment modalities such as psychodynamic therapies, forced school attendance, family-based techniques, medication and use of systematic desensitization work as the sole treatment modality for some youngsters, not all kids who refuse school will improve with the chosen treatment. Thus, clinical scientists have developed a scientifically-based, comprehensive assessment and treatment package for youths with school refusal behavior.

Consultation with youngster psychiatrists may be necessary in certain cases of school refusal behavior that involve highly complicated clinical symptoms and comorbidities. For example, in order to increase the probability of successful therapeutic intervention, the youngster refusing school who exhibits mainly internalizing problems may benefit from adjunctive pharmacotherapy (e.g., Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor - SSRI) to help lower his or her anxiety.

Returning to our case examples, careful evaluation revealed that Sara's school refusal behavior was initially a function of separation anxiety which was positively reinforced by having her mother's attention and play time during school hours. This lead her therapist to design a treatment program combining somatic management skills, practice in being away from her mom and parent training in contingency management. Following Craig’s evaluation he was prescribed a treatment to address his social anxiety that motivated his school refusal. Craig's behavior was negatively reinforced by avoiding social and evaluative situations. Thus, his treatment plan involved cognitive restructuring, role-plays, social skills and problem-solving skills, and gradual reintroduction to school.

In addition, a strong working relationship between the therapist and the youth's school officials is an integral component of a successful treatment program for school refusal behavior. As an example, through a structured treatment plan with clear goals and a definitive time frame, a helpful school official might facilitate Craig’s return to school or Sara remaining in her classroom rather than the nurse's office.

TREATMENT COMPONENTS FOR EACH FUNCTION OF SCHOOL REFUSAL BEHAVIOR:

Escape from negative affect—(Sadness, the blues, fears, generalized anxiety and worry, separation anxiety, various phobias):

· Somatic management skills such as breathing retraining or progressive muscle relaxation training
· Gradual reintroduction (exposure) to school
· Self-reinforcement and building self efficacy

Escape from aversive social and evaluative situations—(Social phobia, test anxiety, public speaking fears, shyness, social skills deficits):

· Cognitive restructuring of negative self-talk
· Role play practice
· Graded exposure tasks involving real-life situations
· Social skills training and problem-solving skills training
· Building coping templates

Attention-seeking behavior—(Tantrums, crying, clinging, separation anxiety):

· Parent training in contingency management
· Changing parent commands
· Establishing routines
· Use of rewards and punishers for school attendance and school refusal
· Forced attendance, if necessary and under special circumstances

Positive tangible reinforcement—(Lack of structure or respect for house rules and responsibilities, free access to reinforcement, disregard for limits):

· Contracting with moms & dads to increase incentive for school attendance
· Curtail social and other activities as a result of nonattendance
· Provide the family with alternative problem-solving strategies to reduce conflict
· Communication skills and peer refusal skills are also sometimes added to this process

When kids like Sara and Craig refuse school, immediate intervention is necessary not only because school attendance is mandated by law, but also to address negative social, psychological and academic consequences to the youth and family. If not identified and treated, school refusal behavior has severe short- and long-term consequences. Some of the short-term consequences of school refusal behavior include significant youngster stress, deteriorating school performance, social isolation, and family tension and conflict. Some of the longer-term consequences include decreased probability of attending college, impaired social functioning impacting personal and professional goals, and increased risk of substance abuse, anxiety and depression in adulthood.

Furthermore, the longer the youth refuses to attend school, the greater the risk of these problems developing. Taken together, it is essential that kids, moms & dads, mental health professionals, and school officials act collectively to further understand school refusal. It remains a prevalent and potentially grave problem that is under-investigated regarding empirically-based assessment and treatment.

Online Parent Support

We do have a situation in hour house...

Hi Mark,

Thank you for contacting me, I am currently reading the book. We have taken a chapter to work with my son. So far we have been able to remove the TV from his room as consequence to fixing the door that he broke (during one of his outrages). He is working to catch up with his school work. He had failed the 9th grade once already and he is taking 9th and 10th grade classes right now. So we will definitely use the material as you may tell we do have a situation in hour house.

Thank you again.

Online Parent Support

The Impact of Divorce on Teenagers: A Closer Look

Divorce, a challenging and often tumultuous life event, can dramatically reshape family dynamics. For teenagers, who are in a critical phase...