For someone who has faced such difficult mental health issues, will following the same steps we would with a "regular" kid work?

Hi Mark,

Thanks so much for your response.

Many of the points you made are right on! We know where we are regarding lack of skills. I think my question is that my son has severe lack of coping skills and challenges re: depression. He's missed out on so much emotional growth because of his depression.

He is so behind that I question whether we can move him ahead on our own as parents. He is willing to go to therapy, but, honestly, usually shuts down at some point.

We are holding him to chores, not giving him any money, he has to do stuff around the house to earn use of the car daily. Still, this is excruciatingly slow. And I don't know whether he will ever decide to get a job. Rather, he just seems willing to sit in the basement when he runs out of money. (He has $55 left to his name.)

He has so far to go re: dealing with his emotions, accepting responsibility for making decisions and taking actions to move forward with his life . . . I think it would take 2 years if he were in a residential program . . . and we're at home moving at a much slower pace. He would definitely benefit from being somewhere else where someone besides use could hold him to consequences. Here, if he doesn't do something, he still gets to sit in my basement staring at the TV.

I'm not sure how to move forward. He is doing OK at this level, which is definitely better than where he was two months ago. The next level is getting him engaged in something such as a job, volunteer work, even working out at the gym!

My question is for someone who has faced such difficult mental health issues (and still is), will following the same steps we would with a "regular" kid work?

I'm afraid that we will have to evict him eventually and I don't want to do that because I don't want him to come apart again . . . without meds. I guess that's the real issue I have to face.

J.

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Hi J.,

Re: My question is for someone who has faced such difficult mental health issues (and still is), will following the same steps we would with a "regular" kid work?

He is a regular kid. Are you sure you paid attention to the "reframing" business in Fair Fighting [session #1 - online version].

Here's the reframe for depression (which should be your mantra as a parent of a depressed kid):

Depressed -- overwhelmed, quite, slowing down, taking inventory, reflecting on the past, possibility to rest, gaining strength before some trial or test, to mature important plans, reflection before action, hitting the brakes, placing one’s values and/or goals in a new order

You're still feeling sorry for him at some level. This will be -- and is -- a huge obstacle for the entire family.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

From: Parent to an up and coming Adult!

Mark,

You have no idea how much heartache, or how many stomachaches and headaches you have alleviated for me, or maybe you do… I hope you do! Well if you don't, please know that where I'm concerned, you are a true angel and I just hope you continue doing what you're doing!

Thanks again! =-)

Signed,

Parent to an up and coming Adult!

Online Parent Support

She attracts the attention of young men in their late teens & early 20s...

Hi Mark,

I’m the mother of a beautiful, strong willed 12-year-old daughter. She has always been tall for her age but is now 5’ 11”, 120lbs with blue eyes, long blond hair and naturally tanned looking skin. She looks like a supermodel of about 17 and knows it. Unfortunately she attracts the attention of young men in their late teens & early 20s, will dress in ways to make herself look older, and basically enjoys baiting them. Unfortunately her best friend (a 13 year old without much common sense) met a young man (17years old) through an Internet chat room and invited this person to meet them at the mall for a movie. (Of course all this sort of thing is kept secret from us through lies.) While at the movie my daughter allowed this boy to kiss her, which then turned into rape. I discovered what happened by accident when I found a pregnancy test kit in my daughter’s room. When I asked her about it she told me what happened, was of course very upset, glad that I finally knew and was eager to seek medical screening and agreed to talk to child protection and JERT, a division of the police. She was raped this past August and I discovered it in late October.

Prior to this she had been having sexual type conversations with boys over the Internet and on a household back up mobile phone, which is billed to our business, which we didn’t know she was using. Of course we had repeatedly given her the lecture about chatrooms, danger of the Internet, talking or SMSing people you don’t know, etc. Her Internet privileges had been pulled a number of times for a month or more for these types of infractions. After discovering the rape, her computer access was removed, the phone was deactivated and she hasn’t been allowed to see her friend anywhere except at our house.

At the beginning of January we gave her back her computer privileges along with the warning about not abusing them etc. Last night we discovered that she has been having very illicit sexual conversations on the computer since January 5th with a 15-year-old local boy. We confronted her about this, asked her why on earth she did this after everything that has happened, explained that she was definitely leading this boy on and was walking down a very dangerous road which could ruin her life! All she said was that she was sorry, doesn’t know why she does it and fled to her room blocking her door to prevent us coming in. Computer privileges have been removed again.

I have tried, over the last two years or so to teach her how to avoid sexual trouble, dress appropriately (teen fashion which isn’t slutty or revealing is OK), no heavy make-up (she “borrows” mine without asking if she doesn’t have her own, no talking to strangers no mall or movies without adult accompanying, don’t get into a situation where you give someone privacy and control, etc.

Despite what happened, she continues to play the siren when she thinks we aren’t watching.

I love my daughter very much, she has SO much potential and a wonderful life to look forward to and she is a pretty good kid – sure I have problems with lying, wagging chores, not doing homework, backchat, sulking, door slamming and the gimmee and getmees but I’m deeply worried about her stubbornness in playing with sexual fire and what the consequences of that could be.

She is only 12 – but in a gorgeous 17-year-old body - how on earth can we protect her from herself during the teen years?

P.S. I received your email book yesterday – it’s fantastic. I’ve tried some of your “tricks” with the other typical teen behavior problems last night and they worked like magic! Thank you.

Best Regards,

J.

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Hi J.,

Sexual acting out and behavior is almost always tough for parents to deal with, even when they understand that, at least to some degree, it's "normal."

Children who demonstrate an unusual interest in sexual matters often have been introduced to it by other adults, children, or by viewing sexual material. It's also possible that having intercourse explained to her when she was young has created some confusion for your daughter that she is "acting out" in her behavior.

My own son was inadvertently shown a sexually explicit cartoon when he was 11, and we went through several months of heightened sexual interest and questions--which gradually disappeared when he realized that he wasn't shocking me and that I would calmly answer any of his questions. Do some thinking about what you want your daughter to believe about sex and intimacy, and then find ways to calmly teach and share those concepts with her.

Your daughter needs teaching about appropriate boundaries and behavior, not punishment. By showing gentle curiosity and asking "what" and "how" questions, you can open the door to talking about sex, rather than having her act it out. You may want to get one of the many excellent books explaining sexuality for children and read it together, openly reminding her that this subject has come up before and you're wondering if she has questions. The phrase, "I've noticed that. . ." is often a good beginning. You can let her know, without anger, that flirting the way she has is not acceptable, but it is okay to have questions and be curious, and that she can ask you anything. Your own attitude (kind and firm) will let her know that you mean what you say. If you are calm, open, and approachable, she may be able to relax enough to explore the subject with you.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

JOIN Online Parent Support

The Total Transformation?

Hi Mark-

Just to let you know, I spent 300 bucks on the Total Transformation program. Have you heard of it? I wish I had found your site before I made that purchase. Although there are a few tips that were somewhat helpful, it left me largely at a loss on what to do to get my son to cooperate. There was no "transformation". Far from it.

On the other hand, your information - as you said - it not the usual set of parenting strategies that everyone tries to use to no avail. Your videos and phone consult have helped me to get my son back.

Just wanted you to know. You really are worth much more than $29.00 - but thanks for being affordable - and for being there for "real" assistance rather than for the money.

Eternally grateful,

Marge C.

Online Parent Support

The conflicts we have now are about less critical matters...

Dear Mark,

I ordered your ebook and talked to you on the phone about my daughter a while back and just wanted to say thank you and let you know that your methods work for us! As you predicted, first the frequency of conflicts decreased at first and then later the intensity decreased. And better yet, the conflicts we have now are about less critical matters, for example, over staying on the internet too long rather than over staying out with unsavory friends too late. We communicate much better, too.

Again, thank you for what you are doing, and for being there to help so many parents like me who have been overwhelmed with raising teenagers.

S.

Online Parent Support

Thank you for giving me my son back...

Would you recommend this program to friends or family?
Definitely. I have recommended it many times already.

Did you get a timely response to your emails?
I have not needed to email yet, But Mark has kept to his word on everything else, so I am confident emails would be timely.

What was the most helpful feature of Online Parent Support?
When I started the program, I felt so lost and helpless. Mark said things that made me swear he knew my child personally. Everything I read seemed to be about my child. This was how I knew this program was different, and that it could work. The steps were easy to follow, and the results were fast. When we took the parenting quiz, I scored an 80 and my husband scored 100. This really opened our eyes. Now all 3 of my children are happier and easier to deal with.

What was the least helpful?
I cannot think of one thing I would change about this program. Thank you so much.

Additional Comments:
My child had been on medication for ADD for several years. It never seemed to help the way we hoped. His anger was out of control and most of the walls in our home had holes from him punching them. He was violent with his siblings and distant from us. I found your program while looking for a treatment facility to send him away to. I knew it was not safe for his brother and sister if he stayed in our home. About 2 and a half weeks into your program we were able to take him off the medication and he continued to improve. (His doctor insisted we were making a huge mistake and that medication was the only way to help him.) He is changing into a more confident self-controlled person thanks to your program. He used to scream at me how much he hated me. Now when he does not get his way he will yell, “Why are you such a good parent??? God, I love you so much!! Why can't you be a rotten parent like my friends parents???” He will try to sound angry, but he is letting me know he is happier with the way things are now. He is learning to diffuse tense situations as well. We have both become better people. Thank you for giving me my son back.

Online Parent Support - Program Evaluation

I honestly received more helpful information out of your program...

Just a quick note to say thank you for your program. You have done a really great job on this and it was very affordable. My mother bought me a $300 program – while I must say that any additional tools I get out of it will be worth any cost, I honestly received more helpful information out of your program. My son and I were going down a very ugly spiral – I am a single mom and always the “bad guy”. He got to the point that he simply defied the punishments and the behavior got worse each day.

It has only been a month and school has been out for the last couple weeks, but I feel like we are making progress. This gave us a new direction and I have had much more PEACE! One of the biggest problem areas is the failing grades at school – it really took a load off of me to stop micro-managing that area. Since he had been totally grounded for so long and really got worse when he was simply “ungrounded” altogether, I had him earn the free time by getting passing grades. If he works at school and does homework, it gives him enough “earned time” that he is essentially ungrounded. It also transitioned our house from “negative consequences for bad behavior” to “positive response for good behavior”. The biggest turn around was lowing the bar to the point he couldn’t fail – “Come home from school on time today and you can have an hour of free time tonight”. It gave him a light at the end of the tunnel that he did not have before and he ran to it!

Thanks,

A.

Online Parent Support