He got upset and started doing bad things...

Hi K.,

I’ve responded throughout your email below:

Mark,

Last two days, my son was behaving well. It seems your methods are working the magic, for two days at least.

Tonight, my son didn't take care of bath room well and he floor was wet after his use. I asked him to wipe the floor. He shouted "later!" by which he meant he wanted to do his activity (has his mom take his picture in his new shorts) first. But I insisted that he wipe the floor first because I wanted to take the bath and he made the mess in the public area. He called my name with clear intention to ignore my order. I told him that if he does not wipe the floor in three minutes, he will not be allowed to access the computer for 24 hours.

Here, my wife questions whether this is the right thing to tell our son when he is upset and doesn't seem to understand what I am telling him. Would you agree?

Partially … see below—

After he calmed down a little bit, I talked to my wife in front of him, that she should not allow him to access her computer for 24 hours. At that late stage, he got up and tried to go to the bath room. I stopped him and told him that it is too late because he didn't do it within 3 minutes, and I already wiped the floor.

(Should I have allowed him to wipe the floor anyway and let the consequence away?)

Not necessarily…

He got upset and started doing bad things including scratching walls, throwing things, lightly punching me on my shoulder, name calling etc. I could ignore name calling, but what should I react to his punch? Should I let him punch me as long as it doesn't really hurt me?

No. Absolutely not!

Prevention Methods:

First of all, come up with a plan where your son takes a bath/shower without getting water all over the floor (e.g., “…put a towel on the floor before showering and stand on it when you get out”). This could save an argument from happening in the first place.

Second, when your son is calm, give him the following warning [with your best poker face]:

“If you choose to ignore a request to clean up after yourself, you will choose the consequence – I will do your chore for you and you will lose computer privileges for 24 hours. In the event you become physically violent, you will lose computer privileges for 3 days – and run the risk of having the police called because battery and destroying property is illegal.”


Re: Did I apply "When You Want Something From Your Kid" properly?

I’d say you are largely on track.

Keep up the good work,

Mark

Online Parent Support

Last night was a tough one...

Hi Mark!

Thank you for the welcome!

In desperation we search for answers… last night was a tough one. I have already applied some of what I read. Of course I created scenarios in my head (using the details you suggested). They all had a happy ending. It did not turn out quite the same in reality but there were no tempers and messages were passed.

I appreciate knowing you are there. I will be starting the video tomorrow.

E.

Online Parent Support

Antisocial Behavior in Schools: Help for Teachers

Discipline should be viewed as an instrument with its primary purpose to allow effective instruction and learning. Proactive approaches are essential. This translates into knowing your children and staying ahead of them and their problems with positive and constructive problem solving that serves to prevent problems before they get out-of-hand. This means the use of learning objectives which provide the child with new and appropriate skills to replace the problem behaviors and lots of positive reinforcement for both the absence of the problem behavior and the exercise of the new adaptive skills.

• Accountability for outcomes is mandatory for any positive program to work with antisocial children. Any plan must include a systematic data-management program to provide such accountability.

• Clear, functional rules and expectations that make sense, improve the learning environment and which have positive benefits for the child if followed are essential.

• Maintenance of a consistent, predictable school environment is essential to any progress for antisocial children.

• Setting high expectations for the children. One of the most serious mistakes is becoming acclimated to the problematic behavior and children and attributing their behavior to outside factors over which they have little or no control. Setting high standards and taking responsibility among teachers sets a model for the children and children usually perform substantially better as a result.

• Support across teachers in implementing discipline is essential. This means that teachers do not ever undercut each other in front of any children.

The first suggestion is that a set of rules be developed for any classroom that has antisocial children. These rules must be promulgated clearly to each child and posted visibly within the room itself. I usually offer a set of 4 such rules (no threats or violence, no drug talk, no sex talk, and no profanity) as the absolute minimum starting point. Often, the teachers ask if it would be appropriate for the children to be solicited for input on additional rules. I caution them that they do not want too many such rules but that 1 or 2 additional child generated rules might well increase the acceptance of these new limits. Guidelines for developing such rules are:

1) Limit the number of expectations initially to four to six:

• State the expectations in positive terms using Clear, Concrete, and Concise language using as few words as possible.

• Identify specific behaviors to illustrate the range of acceptable variations.

• Identify clear positive and negative examples to illustrate each expectation.

2) Define a process and time lines for identifying expectations:

• Specify who participates in the development if expectations

• Specify how suggestions are to be offered and worded

• Specify how each expectation is going to be agreed upon and how everyone involved will learn about the meaning of each.

The second broad suggestion for the antisocial classroom is that a variety of privileges be identified. It is essential that these be framed for the children as earned privileges and not as lost rights. Such privileges must be both short term/immediate (that day), intermediate (weekly), and long-term (quarterly) to be maximally effective and allow the child the opportunity to test limits and still be able to recover. During my visits I spend a good deal of time observing and asking lots of questions so that I might suggest one or two obvious privileges for which appropriate behavior can be required of the children. A variety of privileges must be identified in order for there always to be a motivator for each children appropriate behavior. Only the teachers, administrators, and children know the circumstances well enough to decide what the range of such privileges might be at any given school. Frequently, in addition to the privileges, there is a list of proscribed behaviors which always "drop" a child immediately to the lowest level (often called "Red" or "Restricted" level), these often include:

• Harming Self or Other

• Leaving School Grounds

• Physical Aggression or Threats (there is no such thing as a threat that is a "joke")

• Property Damage

• Tobacco/Drug talk, use, or possession

• Verbal Aggression or Threats

• Weapons

• Other Behavior determined to be dangerous or harmful

Third, the combination of privileges and a level system means frequent and objective feedback is required for each child regarding their behavior. Many schools divide the day into hourly segments (and in some instances even ½ hour segments) with points across 5-6 classroom-wide goals and 2-3 personal goals. Typical classroom wide goals include:

• Demonstrates Honesty

• Exhibits Safe Thinking/Behavior

• Follows Rules and Expectations

• Maximizes Abilities/Independence

• Shows Respect for Self and Others

Additionally, personal goals for each child should be added to tailor the system and are typically based on a combination of long-standing needs on the part of the child and recent areas of concern/failure. Examples include such things as "no talking out", "keeping hands/feet to self", "respect for authority", and "absence of abusive language".

Providing adaptive strategies for the child to meet their behavior goal/expectation is the first point of intervention. However, if a child continually has problems with a particular goal or expectation there are a number of strategies, in addition to the privileges discussed above, which may be employed - some of which include:

• Change teaching strategy

• Corrective action plan (agreed to by child)

• Time out

• Separation from peers

• Removal of adult attention

• Redirection

• Deliver a warning and offer the child a choice with consequences for each explained

• Individual child conference (hallway 1:1)

Fourth, physical arrangement of the classroom significantly impacts the success or failure in achieving your behavior goals. Examples include:

• A notice board (not the blackboard) should be in a highly visible high traffic area of the classroom, but should also be positioned so it does not divert attention from instruction.

• Independent work requires an area with minimum distractions, therefore your use of individual desks is important.

• Storage of materials is a problem in all classrooms. Materials should be placed in low traffic areas to avoid distractions but allow relatively free access.

• The teacher’s desk should be out of the flow of traffic and allow for the maximizing of both personal safety and confidentiality of materials.

Fifth, transitions are very difficult for antisocial children. Transitions are frequently a time of little or no structure and ambiguity for the child. In order to minimize behavior problems a variety of mechanisms for increasing structure for transitions often help.

• Establish a schedule, not merely for block or class changes but for transitions between types of activities for each period.

• Post the schedule so that children know what to expect.

• Establish procedures for how each transition is accomplished and make certain that the children are aware of these expectations.

Sixth, antisocial children are often seen as low in "self-esteem". One method of addressing this is to offer frequent, realistic, and constructive feedback on both successes and areas of concern. Actual mastery of a goal and the appropriate acknowledgment of that success by a adult will lead to the development of genuine "self-esteem" or a sense of accomplishment and go a long way to improving "attitudes" among antisocial children. A caution here is that antisocial children are accomplished at sniffing out BS and therefore you must focus only on real accomplishments. Perhaps the most powerful strategy for implementing classroom expectations is to frequently reinforce children who exhibit appropriate behaviors. It is essential that the teachers clearly distinguish between cooperation and acquisition of academic skills - both forms of achievement need to be equally acknowledged with antisocial children.

Finally, all correction interventions with antisocial children should contain a series of steps in which the least intrusive step is followed first and more intrusive measures come into play only if the problem behavior persists. Children, particularly antisocial children have a real need to be able to predict what an adult’s response will be (within a range). An example of such a plan:

1. Remove attention from the child who is displaying low level inappropriate behavior, and acknowledge other children nearby who are exhibiting the expected behavior.

2. Redirect the child to the expected behavior with a gesture or verbal prompt, cite the classroom rule being violated, and be sure to acknowledge subsequent cooperation and displays of the expected behavior from the child.

3. Secure the child’s attention and clearly inform him or her of the expected behavior, provide immediate opportunities for practice, and acknowledge the changed behavior when it occurs.

4. Deliver a brief warning in a matter-of-fact manner by providing the child an opportunity to choose between displaying the expected behavior or experiencing a penalty or loss of privilege.

5. Deliver the penalty or loss of privilege in a matter-of-fact manner and do not argue with the child about details of the penalty.

The suggestions offered have the best chance of working and are the most fundamental to decreasing suspensions within the antisocial classroom.

Online Parent Support

Behavior Problems & Head Injury

Mark-

Have you ever heard where a blow or brain injury can cause behavioural problems and will show up on a QEEG (quantitative EEG)?

`````````````````````````````````````

Yes. Head injury survivors may experience a range of neuro-psychological problems following a traumatic brain injury. Depending on the part of the brain affected and the severity of the injury, the result on any one child can vary greatly. Personality changes, memory and judgment deficits, lack of impulse control, and poor concentration are all common. Behavioral changes can be stressful for families and parents who must learn to adapt their communication techniques, established relationships, and expectations of what the impaired child can or cannot do.

In some cases extended cognitive and behavioral rehabilitation in a residential or outpatient setting will be necessary to regain certain skills. A neuro-psychologist also may be helpful in assessing cognitive deficits. However, over the long term both the survivor and any involved family members will need to explore what combination of strategies work best to improve the functional and behavioral skills of the impaired child.

Even a child who makes a “good” recovery may go through some personality changes. Family members must be careful to avoid always comparing the impaired child with the way he/she “used to be.” Personality changes are often an exaggeration of the child's pre-injury personality in which personality traits become intensified. Some changes can be quite striking. It may be, for example, the head injury survivor used to be easy going, energetic, and thoughtful and now seems easily angered, self-absorbed, and unable to show enthusiasm for anything. Nonetheless, try not to criticize or make fun of the impaired child’s deficits. This is sure to make the child feel frustrated, angry, or embarrassed.

In some cases, neurological damage after a head injury may cause emotional volatility (intense mood swings or extreme reactions to everyday situations). Such overreactions could be sudden tears, angry outbursts, or laughter. It is important to understand that the child has lost some degree of control over emotional responses. The key to handling lability is recognizing that the behavior is unintentional. Parents should model calm behavior and try not to provoke further stress by being overly critical. Help the child recognize when his/her emotional responses are under control and support/reinforce techniques that work.

Provided a situation does not present a physical threat, various approaches may be used to diffuse hostile behavior:

• Coping with behavior problems after a head injury requires identification and acknowledgment of the impaired child’s deficits. A comprehensive neuro-psychological assessment is recommended. This may help both the survivor and the family to better understand neurological and cognitive deficits.

• Do not challenge or confront the child. Rather, negotiate (e.g., if you don’t like what’s planned for dinner tonight, how about choosing Friday’s menu?).

• Help cue the child to recognize thoughtlessness. Remind him/her to practice polite behavior. Realize that awareness of other people's feelings may have to be relearned.

• Help the child regain a sense of control by asking if there is anything that would help him/her feel better.

• In some cases, it may be easier for the family caregiver to recognize personality changes than to resolve the problem behavior. Targeted strategies may be used to deal with specific behavioral issues.

• Isolate the disruptive impaired child. Consider you own safety and his/hers. Treat each incident as an isolated occurrence as the survivor may not remember having acted this way before or may need to be prompted to remember. Try to establish consistent, non-confrontational responses from all family members (children may need to learn some “dos” and “don’ts” in reacting to the survivor).

• It is critical that family members seek and receive support (family, friends, support group, counselor) in dealing with their own emotional responses to caring for a head injured loved one.

• Offer alternative ways to express anger (e.g., a punching bag, a gripe list).

• Remain as calm as you can; ignore the behavior.

• Seek support for yourself as a caregiver. Support groups, professional counselors, and, if necessary, protective services or law enforcement may be contacted.

• The child who has survived a head injury may lack empathy. That is, some head injury survivors have difficulty seeing things through someone else's eyes. The result can be thoughtless or hurtful remarks or unreasonable, demanding requests. This behavior stems from a lack of abstract thinking.

• Try to change the child’s mood by agreeing with the child (if appropriate) and thus avoiding an argument. Show extra affection and support to address underlying frustrations.

• Try to understand the source of the anger. Is there a way to address the child’s need/frustration? (e.g., make a phone call, choose an alternative activity).

• Validate the emotion by identifying the feelings and letting the child know these feelings are legitimate. Frustration over the loss of functional and/or cognitive abilities can reasonably provoke anger.

Good luck,

Mark Hutten, M.A.

My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

How can I tell if my 16-year-old son is abusing drugs?

Do you think your child or adolescent may be using street drugs or abusing prescription medications like painkillers? Many moms & dads are faced with the difficult question of "Is my adolescent using drugs?" Read on to find out how to tell if your adolescent is using illicit drugs.

Things You’ll Need:

• A Drug Sniffer Dog for Hire

• A Home Drug Test

• A Notebook

• An Adolescent Who You Suspect May Be Using Drugs

• An Internet Connection

• An Observant Eye

• ADMINISTER A HOME DRUG TEST: Home drug tests are now available over-the-counter at most major drug store chains. Moms & dads can give their adolescent a drug test for marijuana, opiates, methamphetamine, cocaine and an array of other illicit drugs.

• DOES YOUR ADOLESCENT ACT DIFFERENTLY? Drug users experience high highs and low lows. Is your adolescent giddy, talkative and energetic one minute and sleeping excessively the following day? Is your adolescent edgier and moodier than usual? Also very common in drug users. Again, write down your observations in a notebook - it's often a lot clearer on paper.

• DOES YOUR ADOLESCENT LOOK DIFFERENT? Drug users will rapidly gain or lose weight. They will stop showering as frequently and you'll see a drop off in meticulous grooming that's common of adolescents. Pay attention to the adolescent's eyes. Are they bloodshot? Are the pupils dilated? Are the pupils tiny? These are all signs of drug use.

• DOES YOUR ADOLESCENT SEEM SICK VERY FREQUENTLY? Drug withdrawal can be easily mistaken for a stomach flu or virus, so if your adolescent seems to vomit frequently or gets the "flu" on a regular basis, this suggests drug use. Does your adolescent sniffle frequently? Is he reluctant to blow his nose? The sniffles or a stuffy nose are commonly associated with drugs like heroin, cocaine and other drugs that are snorted. When a drug user snorts drugs, this causes nasal inflammation that causes sniffling. Many drug users also sniffle frequently after they snort drugs, but they'll be hesitant to blow their nose, lest they blow out the powder that they've sniffed.

• HIRE A SNIFFER DOG TO SEARCH FOR DRUGS: Moms & dads can now hire a drug detection dog service to perform a search of the home and car. This can provide moms & dads with the confirmation they need before they confront a adolescent about drug use. A drug sniffer dog can also ease fears of adolescent drug use. These drug detection dogs can detect minute amounts of residue and they are known to be very accurate.

• IS YOUR ADOLESCENT STEALING MONEY OR VALUABLES? When recreational drug use turns into a full blown drug habit, a adolescent will need money and lots of it to support his or her drug habit. Is the adolescent suddenly focused on earning money that does not seem to go toward any obvious purchases (i.e. clothing)? Is the adolescent stealing money from family members? Are valuables disappearing from the home? These are all signs that can suggest that a adolescent is seeking money to support a drug habit.

• LEARN ABOUT DRUG PARAPHERNALIA AND BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR IT IN YOUR ADOLESCENT'S ROOM: Did you know that a light bulb can be used as drug paraphernalia? Drug paraphernalia can be obvious - like a pipe - or less obvious, like a light bulb. Surf the internet and learn about what household items can be associated with drug use.

• LOOK FOR BEHAVIORS THAT INDICATE DRUG USE: There are many behaviors that indicate drug use. Does your adolescent always wear long sleeves, even when it's hot outside? He may be hiding needle marks on his arms. Does your adolescent try to avoid making eye contact after returning home from friends? This may be due to bloodshot eyes, or dilated/pinpoint pupils that result from using certain drugs. Is your adolescent sneaky and deceptive? Sneaky, deceptive behaviors are very common in adolescents who are using drugs. Look at your adolescent's behavior with a critical eye and keep a notebook recording your observations.

Tips & Warnings—

• Home drug tests (and even professional physician-administered drug tests) are not fool proof. False positives and false negatives can occur. If a adolescent tests positive for a drug, proceed to the nearest hospital or doctor's office for a more reliable drug test. But do it quickly, as some drugs leave the system within a matter of a day or two.

• Surf the internet and learn about the effects of various drugs. If a parent understands how a particular drug affects the body, the parent will be more likely to recognize signs of drug use.

==> JOIN Online Parent Support

She'll hit herself in the head everytime she doesn't get her way...

Hi Mark,

My daughter seems to constantly dwell on negative things, talks about death a lot. When she doesn't get her way, she makes statements such as hurting or killing herself. She's six years old!!! She'll hit herself in the head everytime she doesn't get her way. She has even said she wanted to kill me. She has very poor self esteem, (why I'll never know) she calls herself stupid and an idiot. These thing do not come from within our house. This morning she said she wanted to hurt her little sister. I'm very confused because we practice love and logic in our home. Consequences with empathy. We do not spank or yell. We let the consequence be their punishment. She brings me to tears with her behavior and scares me that she will hurt herself or someone else. I've been reading about childhood Bipolar. Do you think she could be Bipolar? But she turns the switch on and off with control; for instance she's never a problem child at school. All her teachers say she's a model child and is extremely well behaved in their presence. This behavior is not daily, she does have good days, but usually has bad day or two a week. It's also intermittent during the day if it's a bad day. One minute she'll be just fine and as soon as she doesn't get her way, bam, it's like a bomb going off. She uses great manners around other people, but doesn't heistate at all to be rude and very disrespectful to her family members. She uses the word hate a lot. I'm always correcting her and saying "I don't like" is a little nicer way to say you disapprove of something. Please direct me with her. My heart breaks for her and I only want her to be happy, and healthy. I have two other girls, S___ 5yrs and A___ 18yrs. Neither of these two girls have ever acted this way in a consistent manner. This is not a phase, this is a scary situation. Thank you so much for responding.

C.

`````````````````````````````

Hi C.,

Re: She'll hit herself in the head everytime she doesn't get her way.

This is her weird way of reducing her stress. Please refer the page on cutting:

click ==> www.myoutofcontrolteen.com/cutting

...replace "cutting" with "hitting" and you will gain some insight into this phenomenon.

Re: Do you think she could be Bipolar?

Does bipolar run the the family (parent, grandparent, aunt, etc.)? If so, she should have a comprehensive psychiatric evaluation to rule out bipolar as well as any other childhood disorder.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Child: Help for Parents

5 Teen Behavior Problems & Their Solutions

Is your kid rebelling, defying your curfew, or hanging out with questionable kids? Here's how to nip behavior problems in the bud. To be fair, no one has ever pretended that parenting a kid was going to be easy. Still, until your own kids reach that stage, it's tempting to believe your family will be immune to teen behavior problems. No, you tell yourself, your kid will never talk back, stay out too late or pierce her eyebrow.

Dream on...

Adolescents are basically hard-wired to butt heads with their moms & dads, says Stuart Goldman, MD, director of psychiatric education at Children's Hospital in Boston. "Adolescence is a time of rapid change for kids both physically and cognitively," he explains. "It's the task of the kid to fire their moms & dads and then re-hire them years later, but as consultants rather than managers."

But that doesn't mean you have to take it lying down. With the right approach, you can troubleshoot the following teen behavior problems in a relatively civilized fashion.

Teen Behavior Problem 1: Your Teen Seems To Hate You

One minute your sweet child is begging you to come on the class trip or to lie down with her while she falls asleep. Then, seemingly overnight, she starts treating you like dirt, discounting everything you say and snickering at your suggestions. If you look closely, you'll see that you've been through this before, when she was a toddler -- only instead of shouting "no!" like a two-year-old would, a kid simply rolls her eyes in disgust.

"It's so hard for moms & dads when this happens," says Nadine Kaslow, PhD, a psychologist specializing in kids and families at Emory University in Atlanta. "But part of adolescence is about separating and individuating, and many kids need to reject their moms & dads in order to find their own identities." Teens focus on their friends more than on their families, which is normal too.

Parent’s solution—

Sometimes moms & dads feel so hurt by their teens' treatment that they respond by returning the rejection -- which is a mistake. "Adolescents know that they still need their moms & dads even if they can't admit it," says Goldman. "The roller-coaster they put you on is also the one they're feeling internally." As the parent, you need to stay calm and try to weather this teenage rebellion phase, which usually passes by the time a child is 16 or 17.

But no one's saying your teen should be allowed to be truly nasty or to curse at you; when this happens, you have to enforce basic behavior standards. One solution is the good, old-fashioned approach of: "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." By letting your kid know that you're here for him no matter what, you make it more likely that he'll let down his guard and confide in you once in a while, which is a rare treat.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Teen Behavior Problem 2: Communication Devices Rule Their Lives

It's ironic that teenage forms of communication like IM-ing, text-messaging and talking on cell phones make them less communicative, at least with the people they live with. In today's world, though, forbidding all use of electronic devices is not only unrealistic, but unkind. "Being networked with their friends is critical to most teens," says Goldman.

Parent’s solution—

Look at the big picture, advises Susan Bartell, PhD, an adolescent psychologist in New York. If your child is functioning well in school, doing his chores at home and not completely retreating from family life, it's probably best to "lay off." It's also OK to set reasonable limits, such as no "texting" or cell phone calls during dinner. Some moms & dads prefer not to let teens have computers in their rooms, since it makes it harder to supervise computer usage, and this is perfectly reasonable. Many experts also suggest establishing a rule that the computer has to be off at least one hour before bedtime, as a way to ensure that teens get more sleep.

One good way to limit how many minutes your teen spends talking on his cell and texting: Require him to pay his own cell phone bills. And do your best to monitor what your child does when he's online, particularly if he or she is using networking sites like MySpace and Facebook. You still own the home and computer -- so check into parental Internet controls and software to monitor use of any questionable web sites.

Teen Behavior Problem 3: Staying Out Too Late

It's 10:30 p.m. and you told your daughter to be home by 10 p.m. Why does she ignore your curfew again and again?

"Part of what teens do is test limits," explains Goldman. "But the fact is that they actually want limits, so moms & dads need to keep setting them."

Parent’s solution—

Do some research before insisting that your child respect your curfew because it's possible that yours is unreasonable. Call a few of your kids' friends' moms & dads and find out when they expect their kids home. Goldman suggests giving kids a 10-minute grace period, and if they defy that, to set consequences -- such as no going out at night for a week.

If it seems like your child is staying out late because she's up to no good, or doesn't feel happy at home, then you need to talk with her and figure out what might be going on. However, if your curfew is in line with what what's typical in your teen's crowd, then it's time to set consequences and then enforce them if your teen continues to break your rules. When you make a rule, you have to mean it. You can't bluff adolescents -- they will always call you on it.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Teen Behavior Problem 4: Hanging Out with Kids You Don't Like

You wince every time your son traipses through the door with his greasy-haired, noisy buddies. Should you suck it up, or say something?

Parent’s solution--

Kids can wear weird clothes, pierce their lips, act rudely and still be decent kids, says Bartell, who advises moms & dads to hold off on criticizing something as superficial as fashion in their kids' friends. "Adolescents are so attached to their friends that it's like criticizing them directly."

On the other hand, if you know that your child has taken up with a group of troubled teens who skip school and do drugs, a talk is in order. "Without putting him on the defensive, tell your child you're concerned about who he's hanging out with and that you're worried he's doing drugs," says Bartell. While you can't forbid your child to hang around with certain kids, you can intervene and try to nip dangerous behaviors in the bud. Don't be afraid to ask for professional help about hanging out with a crowd engaged in negative behavior. Counseling or family therapy can help.

Teen Behavior Problem 5: Everything's a Drama

Every little thing seems to set your daughter off lately, and the more you try to help, the more she sobs or shouts or slams the door.

Part of being a kid is feeling things intensely, so what may seem like no big deal to you is hugely important to her.

Parent’s solution—

Moms & dads tend to trivialize the importance of things in adolescents' lives, says Bartell: "What happens is that kids feel misunderstood, and eventually they will stop telling you anything. Right now it is the most important thing in the world that her best friend is flirting with her boyfriend, and you need to take it seriously."

Don't offer advice, disparage her friends or try to minimize it by saying that one day she'll see how silly high school romances are. "Just listen and sympathize," says Bartell. And put yourself in her position -- because, after all, you were once there yourself.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents