ONLINE PARENTING COACH

I feel stronger because I'm not alone in this...

Hi Mark,

I joined OPS a week ago. As a single parent of a 15 year old daughter without any support I have tendency to panic whenever any situation arises because I'm scared she will win again. Now just after my first two sessions I feel stronger because I'm not alone in this.

Yesterday when I listened about all the 5 stages of Anger Ladder, I was amazed: you've described exactly what I go through with my kid from time to time . Now I know why.

Thank you,

I.

My Out-of-Control Teen

We had a blow out the other day because of a pierced lip...

Hi Mark, I just purchased your program today. I am going to try and make this brief. My daughter has been with father for the last 4 months we have 50/50 custody. Recently she has talked about moving back and going to her old school. We had a blow out the other day because of a pierced lip that her father allowed her to get knowing this is not allowed in my house. I would also not get her a dress that night. She hit me called me bad names and was out of control. I called her father and said I would be picking her up Sunday night and am going back to 50/50 custody because of how she felt I have no control over her behavior. My problem is this program takes about 4 weeks and this Sunday is days away. My question is should I not pick her up and let her stay with her father if that is what she so desires and explain I love her and this would be her choice to live with her father instead of being with me and the rules at our house. Or should I pick her up Sunday night and really try to get through this program while she is here week on week off? Because I have no have time to go through the program I don't know what would be best. Your help is greatly appreciated, S.

Click here for my response...

Practical tips to diffuse the hatred between father and daughter?

Hi Mark

During the last few weeks me and my husband have been following (as much as we can) your program.

Thank you for the great idea to make it available on line.

We have a fourteen year old daughter and an eight year old son.

Our daughter is very well described in your lectures. I recognised that my overindulging approach and the fact that in the past me and my husband had different opinions on her parenting and also the fact that she is very strong willed person led to her behaviour problems.

Before starting the program we were aware that she was having sex with her 18 year old boyfriend. Her constant threatening that she might run away stopped me from interfering directly. In the very beginning of the program we decided that we cannot let this continuing and my husband spoke to the boyfriend's parents and the boy himself. He just said that she was 14 and they needed to be supervised. I do not regret this step. But it happened that he spoke to his parents when she was completely unaware and babysitting her brother. Needless to say she was very hurt and felt betrayed by us.

After that we are trying really hard to keep being firm and give her the consequences of her bad choices. Meanwhile we encourage all the small positive steps that she does.

It is a really long list how many boundaries she pushed in the last 3-4 weeks:

*violting curfew

* skipping school for 4 days

*smoking in the house

*asking for a lift to her best friend's in the night for sleepover just we to realise the next morning that they both disappeared that night and came 8 am in her fiends house

*leaving the house without telling anyone

*being really rude and calling us names and swearing

* taking all the pills from our cabinet (paracetamol and aspirin)

Only by the Lord's grace I am still sane.

I can see that my husband's patience is running over. He started to rage at her.

On the few occasions when she was able to talk to me she said that she frankly hates us and she really hates her father. They never had a good relationship but now it is a nightmare. I keep reminding myself that the things are expected to get worse before get better. It seems that my husband lost the hope to establish a healthy relationship with our daughter and to see her growing into a responsible adult.

Can you give me some practical tips how to diffuse the hatred between them.

I cannot understand whether she realises that her behauvior cannot be tolerated as it is now or she is still in her angry state not accepting the consequences because she just hates this family and refuses to follow the rules in the family.

Thank you for your support.

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Hi M.,

As a parent, you want to do everything for your child but you have to realize that sooner or later, they must do things on their own. They have to learn about how to earn their own money, how to manage it, and how to make smart financial decisions with it. The longer you keep on handing everything to your children, the harder it will be for them to learn these crucial life skills and lessons on their own and that will severely backfire on them in their adult life.

I think as children grow older, you have to say “No” more frequently, and make them work hard for the things they want to have, because you have to teach them the value of hard work, the value of a dollar, the virtue of patience, of delayed gratification, etc., or else they will never learn and that’s a greater disservice to them in the long run.

People whose parents didn’t provide them with everything usually appreciate the things they have more. They have to work hard in order to get those things they need on their own, which usually makes them more financially responsible, more responsible in general, harder workers, etc. I ‘m not saying that ALL people whose parents didn’t provide them with everything will turn out like that -- nor am I saying that those people whose parents provided them with everything cannot also garner those same qualities.

All I’m saying is that those whose parents did not provide them with everything have a greater opportunity to develop those crucial life skills that are critical in adult life simply because they need to. Those who got everything handed to them usually don’t have that need to develop those crucial life skills, so they don’t spend time cultivating them.

What’s my point?

Don’t spend any time or energy worrying about trying to be “the good guy.” You are not a “buddy.”

Your job is to help your daughter foster the development of “self-reliance.” And you are totally powerless over whether or not she chooses to harbor resentment based on your more assertive parenting style.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Head Injury & Child Behavior Problems

Mark

It has been a while since I last contacted you. I just wanted to let you know that I___’s results of the QEEG have shown significant frontal cortex impairment which would affect his behaviour. I attach a copy of the letter the Clinical Neuro psychologist sent to the school requesting for additional time for his exams.

The neuro-psychologist says that it is not a license for his bad behaviour though. But she does point out that he cannot control his anger and does not always know what he is doing until it is too late. Also she says he should not be provoked or argued with as his brain cannot deal with it. It seems that he does go into a mad fit when he is angry.

In the meantime, we have had 4 sessions of Brain biofeedback treatment after the QEEG test (weekly sessions, he requires at least 18) for which I have to pay.

His behaviour, however, has become somewhat erratic. He has been caught in school while he was excluded from it for rude behaviour to a teacher) for drinking from a can of beer in the playground with a friend of his. This is the friend called Lloyd who is getting him in a lot of trouble (drinking, truanting bad behaviour, who has been expelled from a previous school). I___ seems to have joined forces with this trouble maker and together they are causing double trouble.

Question: You told me last time, to wait until I get the results of I___’s QEEG test which I have and which confirm frontal cortex damage. He is receiving treatment. In the meantime, while he is receiving these weekly sessions to repair his brain (he can only have 1/ week) as the brain cannot cope with any more. What do I do about his rude behaviour and drinking alcohol with friends, staying out late at night at the weekend with the same (bad) friends? His swearing at me and his dad if we reprimand him of any of his behaviour. He is breaking furniture in his bedroom and being rude and fighting with his brother. He can be quiet and good for about 7 – 10 days and then something will spark him off, normally when he does not get his own way or I ask him to have a time out. Whereas I feel that when I first started with your programme, I was very slowly getting some success but now with the diagnosis, I don’t know which way to turn. Should he be allowed to get away with everything as I cannot confront him.

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This situation does put you in a "double bind". On the one hand, the psychologist is saying "that it is not a license for his bad behavior" ...but on the other hand, you have been advised that "he should not be provoked or argued with."

But...

If you follow the program as outlined, you will not be doing any "provoking" or "arguing." I know you may want to view your situation as extremely unique -- and you may always run the risk of "feeling sorry" for your son. However, your situation is not that much different from any other parent who is working this program -- and you should NOT fall into the "feeling sorry" trap.

Continue to work the program with no modifications. After all, this program is designed for kids who have issues such as mood disorders, impulse control problems, anger management difficulties, and so on.

Here are some pointers:

Head injury survivors may experience a range of neuropsychological problems following a traumatic brain injury. Depending on the part of the brain affected and the severity of the injury, the result on any one child can vary greatly. Personality changes, memory and judgment deficits, lack of impulse control, and poor concentration are all common. Behavioral changes can be stressful for families and caregivers who must learn to adapt their communication techniques, established relationships, and expectations of what the impaired child can or cannot do.

In some cases extended cognitive and behavioral rehabilitation in a residential or outpatient setting will be necessary to regain certain skills. A neuropsychologist also may be helpful in assessing cognitive deficits. However, over the long term both the survivor and any involved family members will need to explore what combination of strategies work best to improve the functional and behavioral skills of the impaired child.

Even a child who makes a “good” recovery may go through some personality changes. Family members must be careful to avoid always comparing the impaired child with the way he/she “used to be.” Personality changes are often an exaggeration of the child's pre-injury personality in which personality traits become intensified. Some changes can be quite striking. It may be, for example, the head injury survivor used to be easy going, energetic, and thoughtful and now seems easily angered, self-absorbed, and unable to show enthusiasm for anything. Nonetheless, try not to criticize or make fun of the impaired child’s deficits. This is sure to make the child feel frustrated, angry, or embarrassed.

Head injury survivors may experience short-term problems and/or amnesia related to certain periods of time. Generally, new learning presents the greatest challenge to memory or remembering. In contrast, pre-injury knowledge is more easily retained. The ability to focus and concentrate are keys to addressing some short-term memory problems.

· Have the child repeat the name of a person or object, after you, if memory impairment is severe.

· Keep distractions (e.g., music, noise) to a minimum and focus on one task at a time.

· Keep to routines. Keep household objects in the same place. Use the same route to walk to the mail box or bus stop.

· Whenever possible, have the child write down key information (e.g., appointments, phone messages, list of chores).

If getting lost is a problem, you can label doors or color code doors inside the house or hang arrows to indicate directions. When going out, the child should be accompanied initially to ensure the route is understood. A simple map can be sketched from the bus stop to the house. And make sure that the child always carries his/her address and emergency phone numbers.

A structured environment can be essential in helping a head injury survivor relearn basic skills. A written routine schedule of activities and repetition make it easier to remember what’s expected and what to do next.

After a head injury a child may lack emotional responses such as smiling, laughing, crying, anger, or enthusiasm or their responses may be inappropriate. This may be especially present during the earlier stages of recovery. Recognize that this is part of the injury. Try not to take it personally if the child does not show an appropriate response.

Encourage the child to recognize your smile at a humorous situation (or tears if you are sad) and to take note of the proper response.

In some cases, neurological damage after a head injury may cause emotional volatility (intense mood swings or extreme reactions to everyday situations). Such overreactions could be sudden tears, angry outbursts, or laughter. It is important to understand that the child has lost some degree of control over emotional responses. The key to handling lability is recognizing that the behavior is unintentional. Caregivers should model calm behavior and try not to provoke further stress by being overly critical. Help the child recognize when his/her emotional responses are under control and support/reinforce techniques that work.

Provided a situation does not present a physical threat, various approaches may be used to diffuse hostile behavior:

· Do not challenge or confront the child when he is already angry about something Rather, negotiate (e.g., if you don’t like what’s planned for dinner tonight, how about choosing Friday’s menu?). Try to understand the source of the anger. Is there a way to address the child’s need/frustration? (e.g., make a phone call, choose an alternative activity).

· Help the child regain a sense of control by asking if there is anything that would help him/her feel better.

· Ignore the small problems.

· Isolate the disruptive impaired child. Consider you own safety and his/hers. Treat each incident as an isolated occurrence as the survivor may not remember having acted this way before or may need to be prompted to remember. Try to establish consistent, non-confrontational responses from all family members (children may need to learn some “dos” and “don’ts” in reacting to the survivor).

· Offer alternative ways to express anger (e.g., a punching bag, a gripe list).

· Remain as calm as you can.

· Seek support for yourself as a caregiver. Support groups, professional counselors, and, if necessary, protective services or law enforcement may be contacted.

· Show extra affection and support to address underlying frustrations.

· Try to change the child’s mood by agreeing with the child (if appropriate) and thus avoiding an argument.

· Validate the emotion by identifying the feelings and letting the child know these feelings are legitimate. Frustration over the loss of functional and/or cognitive abilities can reasonably provoke anger.

The child who has survived a head injury may lack empathy. That is, some head injury survivors have difficulty seeing things through someone else's eyes. The result can be thoughtless or hurtful remarks or unreasonable, demanding requests. This behavior stems from a lack of abstract thinking.

Help cue the child to recognize thoughtlessness. Remind him/her to practice polite behavior. Realize that awareness of other people's feelings may have to be relearned. “Cueing” or reminders can be helpful in improving concentration and attention. Repeat the question. Don’t give too much information at once, and check to see that the child is not tired.

Head injury survivors should be encouraged to develop self-checks by asking themselves questions such as:

· “Did I understand everything?”

· “Did I write it down?”

· “I made a mistake” or “I’m not sure” should lead to the conclusion, “let me slow down and concentrate so I can correct the error.”

· “Is this what I’m supposed to be doing?”

Correct actions should be consciously praised, “I did a good job”.

It is relatively common for a head injury survivor to be unaware of his/her deficits. Remember that this is a part of the neurological damage and not just rebelliousness. Be aware, however, that denial can also be a coping mechanism to conceal the fear that he/she cannot do a particular task. The child may insist that the activity cannot be done or is “stupid.”

· Build self-esteem by encouraging the child to try a (non-dangerous) activity that he/she feels confident doing.

· Give the child visual and verbal reminders or “hints” (e.g., a smile or the words "good job") to improve confidence in carrying out basic activities more independently.

· If you feel the child can handle confrontation, challenge him/her to try the activity. Demonstrate that you can do the task easily.

Coping with behavior problems after a head injury requires identification and acknowledgment of the impaired child’s deficits. A comprehensive neuropsychological assessment is recommended. This may help both the survivor and the family to better understand neurological and cognitive deficits.

In some cases, it may be easier for the family caregiver to recognize personality changes than to resolve the problem behavior. Targeted strategies may be used to deal with specific behavioral issues.

Finally, it is critical that family members seek and receive support (family, friends, support group, counselor) in dealing with their own emotional responses to caring for a head injured loved one.

Good Luck!

Mark Hutten, M.A.

==> www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

Explosive Kids & Low Frustration Tolerance

The term “explosive kids’ is used to describe easily frustrated, chronically inflexible, explosive children. While many of these kids carry a variety of diagnoses, parents often tell us that the term “explosive kids” better describes their youngster’s struggles. In addition, many find that it also provides a framework for understanding and alleviating the difficulties with which they present. This will become more evident as you review the following in-depth description.

What does a youngster described as “inflexible-explosive” look like? Mark Hutten, M.A. provides a helpful list of criteria:

Common Characteristics of Inflexible-Explosive Kids--

1. While other kids are apt to become more irritable when tired or hungry, inflexible-explosive kids may completely fall apart under such conditions!

2. The tendency to think in a concrete, rigid, black-and-white manner. The youngster does not recognize the gray in many situations ("Mrs. Robinson is always mean! I hate her!" ...Rather than “Mrs. Robinson is usually nice, but she was in a bad mood today”); may apply oversimplified, rigid, inflexible rules to complex situations; and may impulsively revert to such rules even when they are obviously inappropriate (“We always go out for recess at 10:30. I don’t care if there’s an assembly today. I’m going out for recess!”)

3. The persistence of inflexibility and poor response to frustration despite a high level of intrinsic or extrinsic motivation. The youngster continues to exhibit frequent, intense, and lengthy meltdowns even in the face of salient, potent consequences.

4. The youngster’s inflexibility and difficulty responding to frustration in an adaptive manner may be fueled by behaviors-moodiness/irritability, hyperactivity/impulsiveness, anxiety, obsessiveness, social impairment-commonly associated with other disorders.

5. The youngster may have one or several issues about which he or she is especially inflexible – for example, the way clothing looks or feels, the way foods taste or smell, and the order in which things must be done.

6. Inflexible episodes may have an out-of-the-blue quality. The youngster may seem to be in a good mood, then fall apart unexpectedly in the face of frustrating circumstances, no matter how trivial.

7. An extremely low tolerance for frustration. The youngster is not only more easily frustrated, but experiences the emotions associated with frustration far more intensely and tolerates them far less adaptively than do other kids of the same age. In response to frustration, the youngster becomes extremely agitated, disorganized, and verbally or physically aggressive.

8. An extremely low frustration threshold. The youngster becomes frustrated far more easily and by far more seemingly trivial events than other kids of his or her age. Therefore, the youngster experiences the world as one filled with frustration and uncomprehending adults.

9. A remarkably limited capacity for flexibility and adaptability and incoherence in the midst of severe frustration. The youngster often seems unable to shift gears in response to parents’ commands or a change in plans and becomes quickly overwhelmed when a situation calls for flexibility and adaptability. As the youngster becomes frustrated, his or her ability to “think through” ways of resolving frustrating situations in a manner that is mutually satisfactory becomes greatly diminished; the youngster has difficulty remembering previous learning about how to handle frustration and recalling the consequences of previous inflexible-explosive episodes, has trouble thinking rationally, may not be responsive to reasoned attempts to restore coherence, and may deteriorate even further in response to punishment.

Should your youngster present with these difficulties, we strongly encourage you to join Online Parent Support (a program that possesses an extensive background and experience working with explosive kids) to provide recommendations that will help you, the parent, resolve most behavioral/attitudinal issues.

In establishing that developmental deficits in the domains of flexibility and frustration tolerance are the key factors underlying explosive behavior, we think the characteristics presented provide a more useful way of viewing our kids. This is very different from the conventional wisdom: that these kids are merely willful and spoiled, that they are fully able to control their explosive outbursts, and that poor parenting is to blame for their difficulties.

Blaming parents for their kid’s difficulties is not the best way to change things for the better in any family or classroom. When we dispense with the blame, the stage is set for adults to be part of the solution: re-establishing positive relationships with these kids, creating experiences that will provide the training and practice in problem-solving skills, flexibility, and frustration tolerance.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Parents & Resentment Flu

Mark-

After I sent you the e-mail and had the chance to review your response I sat and did some soul searching. I am struggling with some of the things that I am required to do. Not because I do not wish to comply, but because I am so badly hurt from the years of defiant behavior, lying, and stealing. I forgave him the best I could throughout the years and he turned around and did the same things repeatedly. Sometimes telling me that he hears things in his head and others because he can’t help himself.

In my last e-mail to you I described one of our worst physical encounters with B__ and there have been many. My only regret was that we did not call the police on him that night instead of allowing it to escalate the way it did. Yesterday I was met by someone from child protective services accompanied by a police officer. B__ has threatened us with this before and we have feared it since it poured off of his lips. He states that my husband punched and bruised him. I can tell you that my husband pulled the child off his back and restrained him on the floor, but did not punch him. It is now our word against his and we feel like we are prisoners in our own home. The person appointed to our case heard us out and gave us a number to call in case he starts to destroy our home or attacks us in any manner again. We don't know what to do? The child throws himself through his room, against walls, furniture, and out of his window sill. I go to my room and shut the door as to not feed into his attention seeking behaviors, but when he is injuring himself and telling people that we did this to him it crosses the line. I ignore the behavior and it gets worse. He demands and manipulates an audience.

According to him nothing is ever his fault and the world is against him. I do not know where to get help for us. At this point he has seen that we are powerless and that all he has to do is make up another story and we are in serious trouble. My husband and I do not want him home because with another accusation, we can lose everything. We are considering putting cameras throughout the house to ensure our safety through this process with B__. We don't want to be with him unless the other parent is with us. Summer is here and his sister who is to spend the summer with us will arrive in a few short weeks and I don't know how to keep her safe and ensure that B__ doesn't have all of us arrested. We need help. I have asked for help starting when he entered pre-school and all I got was a handful of varying diagnoses and a handful of prescriptions. He is bigger, stronger, and smarter and his behavior nor the outcomes are ever his fault. I find it nearly impossible to say I love you to him, I cannot stand to hear him ramble on because it is usually a fabricated story and when I get to the bottom of it I am more disappointed to find out he was at fault for whatever had happened and that he cannot and will not see it.

We have regular chores and each day the battles are getting worse and for the fact that I don’t want the fight, I don’t want to give them to him anymore. B__ is only ever happy when he is running the show. Anyone other than him in control will create behaviors that we not wish to have in our home or in our lives. B__ thinks that because we were not arrested and that they won’t keep Beth from coming here means that all is well. It is not well. My husband and I will have this stain on our (until yesterday) clean records till the end of our lives and again he walks away unscathed and newly empowered by his newest form of parental control.

Nick and I need help to get back on our feet on working in a better direction for all of us. Can you please tell us where to start again because we are heartbroken and devastated by what is happening?

Thank you - A.

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Hi A.,

Sounds like you have a bad case of “resentment flu” …also, it sounds like you feel a significant sense of defeat. When we drill deep into the root of resentment and anger, the cause always revolves around our ego and the mind’s attempt to protect it from “extinction.”

I am not suggesting that we suppress or deny these feelings. But rather, use responsible methods for dealing with these uncomfortable and unpleasant emotions so that we are no longer slaves to the emotional reflexes of our animalistic instincts.

As hard as it might seem while we are experiencing anger towards someone (especially our own child), the keys to overcoming the emotion lie first in understanding and finally in forgiving. This seems counter-intuitive, since our instincts tell us that we need to defend ourselves, and possibly come up with ways to hurt the other individual.

Understanding gives us insight into what the other individual is feeling. Even before we reach the stage of forgiveness, understanding will automatically ease some of the emotional burden we’ve been carrying.

Before seeking to understand, we need to find a place of clarity within ourselves. Clarity means that we are not acting out of our emotions or our caveman instincts. When we can step out of our inner caveman, we are able to see the situation for what it is. It will quickly become clear that the other individual was acting out of the instincts of their inner caveman, and thus blinded by their own emotions.

Let’s dive deeper into each major step in overcoming these bothersome feelings:

1. Clarity

In this step, the goal is to feel well again. When our minds are frazzled with random thoughts of pain and resentment, it is nearly impossible to overcome anything. Therefore, we need to first find peace within ourselves.

When we seek peace and clarity, we are ultimately creating the space within ourselves for alternative possibilities and healing. Without which, we will remain in a never-ending cycle of unnecessary pain and suffering.

• “You are In Control” - Remind yourself that you are in control of your thoughts and actions. You are never as helpless or in as pitiful a state as your ego would have you believe. Remind yourself of the responsible individual that you are - using the real definition of responsibility: the ability to respond, or the ability to control our responses. Map out the worst case scenario and accept it. You’ll often find that the worst case scenario isn’t as bad as the dreadful scenario that you have dreamt up in your mind.

• Exercise: Express Your Emotions - Fully express your emotions without physically harming anyone (including yourself). If you feel angry, express that anger verbally (while you are alone) with the intent of releasing it completely out of your system. You can jump up and down, cry out loud or exert unusual sounds. Listen to your body as to how it wants to release this negative energy. Give yourself a time limit of say 5 to 10 minutes in which you must express all your anger, either verbally or in writing. Additionally or alternatively, go for a run, a hike, a workout or a swim. Many individuals find exercise to be an effective way to release toxic energy.

• Exercise: Finding Peace via Focused Attention - This has been the most effective tool for me when clarity and inner peace is needed: First, find a comfortable seat and close your eyes. Bring your focus onto your breath. Focus all of your attention on your inhales and exhales. Do this for about five minutes. Next, bring your attention to your heart (the center of your chest). Focus on all the things you are grateful for in your life, right now. You can either visualize each individual or thing, or you can hear the sound of these things spoken in your mind. As you see them, or hear them, experience the feelings of gratitude in your heart.

2. Understanding

Now that we’ve put our inner caveman/cavewoman aside, we can objectively look at the situation for what it is. We can seek to understand what is causing the other individual to act in this particular way.

In most cases, once we’ve figured out the cause for their behavior, we will find that it is often not an attack on us, but a reflection of their primal instinct to protect themselves.

What’s more, as we gain perspective into their position, we might find that we’ve learned something valuable that will contribute towards our well-being and happiness in the future.

• Freedom of Expression - Accept that it is okay for others (even your children) to have negative thoughts or feelings towards you. They have the same freedom of thought and freedom of choice as do you. Choose understanding. Choose compassion. Choose doing the right thing by staying honest to yourself. Outside of that, don’t worry about it, let them go. We cannot control other’s actions, so why should we exert energy trying? Let others be, and find peace with that.

• It’s Not Personal - When individuals are in pain, they sometimes cannot help but to spread that energy onto others. When individuals communicate in ways that are hurtful to you, it is not meant to be personal, but rather a reflection of their internal state.

• The Painful “Enemy” - Seek out the scenarios and perspectives which may have triggered them to treat you in a manner that hurts you. They may be in such a deep-seated state of frustration and emotional disturbance that they have lost the capacity to communicate rationally and with consideration of your feelings. Seek to understand that individuals, by nature, do not want to harm others, but circumstances that trigger their inner caveman cause them to act out in self-defense.

3. Forgiveness

Not forgiving someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other individual to die.

Forgiveness is a gradual process, and understanding will eventually take us there. However, if we do not attempt forgiveness, the only individual we are harming is ourselves.

The goal here is to find peace with the situation and to move on with our lives. Life is too short to dwell on the past, or to dwell on other’s opinions of us. Give yourself a gift of freedom: forgive them with grace, compassion and understanding.

• Forgive Others - After the exercise of breathing and gratitude, continue to keep your eyes closed. Now, let go of all resentment and regret. You can imagine each of these separately. Imagine all the individuals who you hold a grudge against. Optionally you may see their harmless face smiling at you. Recognize that we are all trying our hardest in our current state of consciousness. Tell them in your imagination that you forgive them. Have the intention of forgiving others and ourselves for any actions that may have resulted in pain.

• Forgive Yourself - Forgive yourself for having had thoughts of retaliation, resentment, regret or grievance. Forgive yourself for exposing your inner caveman.

• You can repeat the mantra “Every decision I make is a choice between a grievance and a miracle. I relinquish all resentments, grievances and regrets. I choose the miracle.”

Good luck,

Mark Hutten, M.A.

MORE RESOURCES:

One day you wake up and find that life has changed forever. Instead of greeting you with a hug, your little boy rolls his eyes when you say "good morning" and shouts, "You're ruining my life!" You may think you've stepped into the Twilight Zone, but you've actually been thrust into your son's teen years.

During adolescence, teens start to break away from parents and become "their own person." Some talk back, ignore rules and slack off at school. Others may sneak out or break curfew. Still others experiment with alcohol, tobacco or drugs. So how can you tell the difference between normal teen rebellion versus dangerous behavior? And what's the best way for a parent to respond?

Click here for full article...

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Many families of defiant children live in a home that has become a battleground. In the beginning, the daily struggles can be expected. After all, we knew that problems would occur. Initially, stress can be so subtle that we lose sight of a war, which others do not realize is occurring. We honestly believe that we can work through the problems.

Outbursts, rages, and strife become a way of life (an emotionally unhealthy way of life). We set aside our own needs and focus on the needs of our children. But what does it cost us?

Click here for the full article...

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The standard disciplinary techniques that are recommended for “typical” teenagers do not take into account the many issues facing teens with serious behavioral problems. Disrespect, anger, violent rages, self-injury, running away from home, school failure, hanging-out with the wrong crowd, drug abuse, theft, and legal problems are just some of the behaviors that parents of defiant teens will have to learn to control.

Click here for the full article...

Helping Children With Curfew

"Dear Mark: My daughter is asking to extend her curfew. It seems she can fight whatever. Would you please help me and let me have a strategy to have the curfew settle down. Thanks & Best Regards! F."

Click here for my response...