Your Teen’s First Cell Phone: Help Her Avoid the Risks of Texting

Text messaging can be a fun way for adolescents to communicate — but texting carries risks, too. To help your adolescent avoid texting problems, consider these important adolescent-texting tips.

How should I talk about texting with my teenager?

Your adolescent may be more digitally savvy than you are, but a lack of maturity can easily get him or her into trouble when using technology. That's why it's important to talk to your adolescent early about texting and proper use of cell phones. Before you start a conversation, get to know the technology firsthand, then ask your adolescent:

• Has anyone ever taken an embarrassing picture of you without your permission? Have you ever taken an embarrassing picture of someone else? What did you do with it?
• Has anyone you don't know ever sent you a text message? If so, what did you do about it? How did he or she get your number?
• Have you ever communicated with someone you met online through your cell phone?
• How many numbers do you have stored in your phone? Do you personally know all of these people?
• What features do you use on your cell phone? Can you show me how to use them?
• Who would you tell if someone sent you a text or picture that was inappropriate?

What are the risks of texting?

Texting can pose potentially serious physical and emotional risks. Talk to your adolescent about:

• Cyberbullying - Cyberbullying refers to sending harassing texts, emails or instant messages, as well as posting intimidating or threatening Web sites or blogs. Receiving bullying text messages can make an adolescent feel unsafe and lead to school absences. Discuss cyberbullying with your adolescent. Encourage your adolescent to talk to you or another trusted adult if he or she receives harassing text messages and to consider options such as rejecting texts from unknown numbers. Explain to your adolescent that it isn't appropriate to send harassing text messages to others.
• Disrupted sleep - Many adolescents send and receive text messages after turning out their lights and going to bed, which can interfere with a good night's sleep. Even moderate nighttime texting can greatly increase the risk of long-term fatigue. Consider keeping your adolescent's cell phone out of his or her room at night.
• Sexting - Sexting refers to sending a text message with sexually explicit content or a sexually explicit picture. This type of texting can cause emotional pain for the person in the picture, as well as the sender and receiver. Explain to your adolescent that text messages shouldn't contain pictures of people without their clothes on or kissing or touching each other. Make sure your adolescent understands that sending this type of text message is considered a crime in some areas and that the consequences could involve the police and suspension from school.
• Texting while driving - Research suggests that distractions such as texting may be an even greater threat to adolescents than to other drivers. Peer influence also may play a role. The more passengers in the car, the more likely young drivers are to use cell phones while driving. Talk to your adolescent about the consequences of texting while driving. Monitor your adolescent's driving behavior, and set clear rules and consequences — such as revoking driving privileges if your adolescent texts while driving.

How do I set appropriate limits on my adolescent's use of text messages?

Start by talking to your adolescent about how much he or she texts. You can also review cell phone records to see if your adolescent is sending or receiving late-night texts. Working together, set an appropriate limit for your adolescent's use of the technology. You might also have your adolescent pay for the cost of his or her texts with allowance money or by performing chores or working at a part-time job. Explain to your adolescent any exceptions, such as texting with you or other family members and texting during emergency situations.

Also, let your adolescent know that you'll periodically check his or her phone for inappropriate content. The older your adolescent is, the more often you may need to check. You may also be able to use software to monitor your adolescent's text and picture messages. If your adolescent isn't willing to follow the rules and expectations you've set, consider removing your adolescent's ability to text or send pictures through his or her phone.

Pay attention to warning signs that your adolescent may be spending too much time texting, including:

• A drop in grades or other academic problems
• Skipping activities, meals or homework to text
• Weight loss or gain

What else can I do to help my adolescent text safely?

Understand the types of security settings that are available on your adolescent's cell phone and use them appropriately. In addition, remind your adolescent that any text message he or she sends can be shared with the entire world, so it's important to use good judgment. Discourage your adolescent from gossiping, spreading rumors, bullying or damaging someone's reputation through text messages — and have an honest discussion about the consequences of poor judgment.

Texting can carry risks for your son or daughter. Monitoring your adolescent's texting habits and setting appropriate limits can help prevent problems down the road.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Talking To Your Adolescent About S e x

Sex education is offered in many schools, but don't count on classroom instruction alone. Sex education needs to happen at home, too. Sex is a staple of news, entertainment and advertising. It's often hard to avoid this ever-present topic. But when moms and dads and adolescents need to talk, it's not always so easy. If you wait for the perfect moment, you might miss the best opportunities. Instead, think of sex education as an ongoing conversation.

Here are some ideas to help you get started — and keep the discussion going:

• Be direct. Clearly state your feelings about specific issues (e.g., oral sex, intercourse). Present the risks objectively, including emotional pain, sexually transmitted infections, and unplanned pregnancy. Explain that oral sex isn't a risk-free alternative to intercourse.
• Be honest. If you're uncomfortable, say so — but explain that it's important to keep talking. If you don't know how to answer your adolescent's questions, offer to find the answers or look them up together.
• Consider your adolescent's point of view. Don't lecture your adolescent or rely on scare tactics to discourage sexual activity. Instead, listen carefully. Understand your adolescent's pressures, challenges and concerns.
• Invite more discussion. Let your adolescent know that it's OK to talk with you about sex whenever he or she has questions or concerns. Reward questions by saying, "I'm glad you came to me." 
• Move beyond the facts. Your adolescent needs accurate information about sex — but it's just as important to talk about feelings, attitudes and values. Examine questions of ethics and responsibility in the context of your personal or religious beliefs.
• Seize the moment. When a TV program or music video raises issues about responsible sexual behavior, use it as a springboard for discussion. Remember that everyday moments (e.g., riding in the car, putting away groceries, etc.) sometime offer the best opportunities to talk.

Sex education for adolescents includes abstinence, date rape, homosexuality and other tough topics.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents 

Be prepared for questions like these:  

• What if my boyfriend or girlfriend wants to have sex, but I don't? Explain that no one should have sex out of a sense of obligation or fear. Any form of forced sex is rape, whether the perpetrator is a stranger or someone your adolescent has been dating. Impress upon your adolescent that “no” always means “no.” Emphasize that alcohol and drugs impair judgment and reduce inhibitions, leading to situations in which date rape is more likely to occur.
• What if I think I'm gay? Many adolescents wonder at some point whether they're gay or bisexual. Help your adolescent understand that he or she is just beginning to explore sexual attraction. These feelings may change as time goes on. Above all, however, let your adolescent know that you love him or her unconditionally. Praise your adolescent for sharing his or her feelings.
• How will I know I'm ready for sex? Various factors (e.g., peer pressure, curiosity, loneliness, etc.) steer some teens into early sexual activity. But there's no rush. Remind your adolescent that it's OK to wait. Sex is an adult behavior. In the meantime, there are many other ways to express affection (e.g., intimate talks, long walks, holding hands, listening to music, dancing, kissing, touching and hugging, etc.).

If your adolescent becomes sexually active — whether you think he or she is ready or not — it may be more important than ever to keep the conversation going. State your feelings openly and honestly. Remind your adolescent that you expect him or her to take sex - and the associated responsibilities - seriously.

Stress the importance of safe sex, and make sure your adolescent understands how to get and use contraception. You might talk about keeping a sexual relationship exclusive, not only as a matter of trust and respect, but also to reduce the risk of sexually transmitted infections. Also, set and enforce reasonable boundaries (e.g., curfews, rules about visits from friends of the opposite sex, etc.).

Your adolescent's doctor can help, too. A routine checkup can give your adolescent the opportunity to address sexual activity and other behaviors in a supportive, confidential atmosphere — as well as learn about contraception and safe sex. For girls, the doctor may also stress the importance of routine human papillomavirus vaccination (HPV) to help prevent genital warts and cervical cancer.

With your support, your adolescent can emerge into a sexually responsible grown-up. Be honest and speak from the heart. If your adolescent doesn't seem interested in what you have to say about sex, say it anyway! He or she is probably listening.

Sex education basics may be covered in health class, but your adolescent might not hear — or understand — everything he or she needs to know to make tough choices about sex. That's where you as the parent come in. Awkward as it may be, sex education is a parent's responsibility. By reinforcing and supplementing what your adolescent learns in school, you can set the stage for a lifetime of healthy sexuality.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Effective Parenting Strategies for Troubled Teens

There’s probably a good reason you’ve found us. You’re here because you want to change your defiant teenager’s behavior, and you want to learn some real parenting strategies that work.

OnlineParentingCoach.com has been giving our website visitors real results since 2006. Here you will find articles with crucial parenting techniques you can use to help turn your teenager’s behavior around – immediately.  So, if you’re looking for professional advice that works, you’ve come to the right place.

Our website is a single resource for children, parents, teachers, mental health professionals, and others who deal with the challenges of Oppositional Defiant Disorder, Conduct Disorder, ADHD and other childhood disorders. We provide articles, conference information, educational resources, links to local/national/international support groups, lists of camps/schools, moderated support message boards, recommended reading, sources of professional help, and online parent-coaching.

We strongly believe that everyone faced with challenges associated with childhood disorders should have the right to - and deserve - support and understanding, inclusion, and appropriate education so they and their families can experience the greatest quality of life possible.

If your child or teenager is experiencing a behavioral problem that you need assistance with, feel free to contact Mark Hutten, M.A. [mbhutten@gmail.com]. You will get a response within 24 hours.

Mark Hutten, M.A.
Online Parent Support, LLC
2328 N. 200 E.
Anderson, Indiana
46012

Cell: 765.810.3319 (available between 9:00 AM & 5:00 PM Eastern Time)
Email: mbhutten@gmail.com

Teens and Texting Addiction

Many teens seem to be slaves to technology these days. They have their cell phones, iPads, iPods, laptops, etc. It's gotten so bad that, for some teens, it's an addiction in the fullest sense of the term. Everywhere you look, there's a cell phone and thumbs are texting.

Anything that a teen can become obsessed with, and she does so much that she doesn't do the things she needs to do with family, school, work, etc. – that’s an addiction (FYI: adolescent females lead the charge).

A full 75% of adolescents own cell phones, and a third of those text more than 100 times a day. About 11% say they send over 200 messages every day. Approximately 4% say they have sent a "nude" or nearly nude image of themselves to someone via text, while 15% say they have received such an image of someone else via text.

With excessive texting come a number of problems (e.g., poor dietary habits, isolation from family, sleep deprivation, poor academic performance, etc.). Adolescent forms of communication (e.g., texting, talking on cell phones) make teenagers less communicative (at least with the people they live with). However, in today's world, forbidding all use of cell phones is not only unrealistic, but hurtful. Staying connected with their peers is very important to adolescents.

One of the biggest problems that many parents seem to have with adolescents who text constantly is the lack of boundaries as to what is appropriate and what is not. Adolescents find themselves being able to send messages that they would never dare to verbalize in the real world. This creates a false sense of security, and coupled with most adolescents already inherent lack of realization for consequences can make the entire situation very dangerous. Thus, it is crucial that parents help their teenager determine appropriate boundaries for his or her texting.

How to set boundaries for your texting-addicted teenager:

1. Bullying texts: Help your adolescent understand some of the problems associated with this technology. Despite their increased maturity-level, most adolescents still lack a certain amount of empathy. Help you adolescent understand that reputation damaging and bullying texts are harmful. Many adolescents mistake the anonymity of texting as the freedom to be able to say whatever they want. Let your teen know that once it is out there, there is no way to pull it back in. And it all can be traced back to him or her if someone needed to find out where the hurtful text came from.

2. Cell phone checks: Let your adolescent know that you will be checking his cell phone periodically. This simple fact may serve as a deterrent for bad cell phone behavior. Since most moms and dads pay for their teen’s cell phone, they have the right to check what kind of text is being sent. Your adolescent needs to understand that you reserve the right to confiscate it at any time to check the text log.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

3. Restricted possession: Don’t let your teenager have her cell phone on her at all times (e.g., “If we go out to eat, you have to leave the phone at home”). Don’t over-explain your reasons, simply say, “You are a member of the family, so you need to participate during the times we’re together”). Some moms and dads request that their adolescent’s cell phone be given to them during meal time, homework time, and bed time (which prevents all-night texting). Research shows that adolescents who don’t have 24/7 access to their cell phones are much more likely to send appropriate texts.

4. Passing the bill: Require your teen to pay her own cell phone bills if it gets to the point where you need to limit how many minutes she spends talking and texting. This has a way of reducing a teen’s cell phone addiction.

5. Relaxing standards: As a parent, understand that what you believe to be “too much” texting may not actually be “too much” by today’s standards. If your son or daughter is doing chores, functioning well at school, fairly well-behaved, and not completely isolated from family life, it's probably O.K. to relax your expectations around the amount of time he or she spends texting.

6. Sexting: Most parents are uncomfortable discussing anything involving sexual content with their adolescent. Now is not the time to be prudish. Texting with sexual content (i.e., “sexting”) has become a serious issue. Parents should clearly spell out for their adolescent that they will not condone this behavior. Whether the teen is the instigator of a sexual message or simply passing it on, he is equally guilty. Help your adolescent have a clear understanding of the consequences for this misuse of the cell phone (e.g., losing cell phone privileges, legal actions if a sexting message or picture is traced back to him, etc.).

7. Time limits: Make a rule regarding when texting can be done. If your adolescent is texting through dinner, while trying to do homework, or seems unable to separate herself from her cell phone, it is a good idea to set some time limits on texting. Have times in your family when there is no texting allowed (e.g., from 5 p.m. - 6 p.m. for dinner, from 7:00 p.m. – 7:45 p.m. for homework, and again from 10:00 p.m. – 8:00 a.m. for bed time).

If you implement the ideas listed above for a period of time, but are still concerned about the amount of time that texting is taking up in your adolescent’s life, contact the phone company for a detailed record.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Discipline for Vulgar Language in Teenagers

“My main problem is my son’s vulgar language. He is constantly using foul language on a daily basis usually with no rhyme or reason. He just yells out a long string of bad language for no reason. He is also very open about sex. He talks about it a lot and constantly makes ‘sexual noises’.”

Adolescents equate swearing to a rite of passage. As moms and dads, we can help them learn healthier ways of expressing and developing maturity. The first step to cleaning up adolescent talk is listening to your adolescent. When you ascertain in what scenarios and environments he typically swears, you can help him find alternatives to express himself.

Does your son try to project confidence or superiority when he swears? Does he demonstrate anguish, disgust or disdain in himself or peers with cursing? Do you hear your son causally and subconsciously dropping profanities intermittently throughout casual conversations? Knowing the prime times your son swears will help you choose a course of action to clean up the cursing.

Adolescents frequently opt for strong language as the result of peer pressure. When one mother asked her 16-year-old son, James, why he selects such strong language to convey his point of view, she was astonished by his straightforward answer: “I talk just like all my friends. We don’t mean anything and it’s not like adults don’t say those things” was James' enlightening response.

Although it may appear cavalier, James' explanation is familiarly synonymous with the beliefs of his peers. Realizing that her son and his friends were trying to out-do each other in a ritual game of whose language packs the most shock value, this mother decided she wanted to break her son’s habit of vulgarity. She stated, “We talked about better ways he could grab his friend’s and acquaintance’s attention. I tried to impress that acting older didn’t automatically mean someone would believe he’s mature.”

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Many parents, like the mother described above, find explaining that swearing is not an impressive trait or something that is respected and admired provides clarity. When adolescents realize that vulgarity or excessive slang has an affect that is ironically opposite than their desired perception of maturity, they are less inclined to taint their vocabulary with swearing. Helping your adolescent find an intelligent means to express himself, and thus demonstrate true maturity, will both curb swearing and help him achieve his desired goal.

Also, moms and dads need to model the language they expect their adolescents to use. Reinforcing positive expressions of various emotions lets adolescents know there’s another way to get the same thing. Of course, we’re all human and can possibly accidentally or occasionally let a slang word slip. The frustration of stalled traffic or of dropping a heavy can on top of your foot can cause the most restrained person to use an inappropriate word.

Acknowledging that you’re aware you made a regrettable word choice helps your adolescent respect the lessons you’re aiming to instill. Demonstrating your remorse for using a curse word offers your adolescent a glimpse into your humanistic persona.

Additionally, helping your adolescent realize there are consequences to all of his actions – including swearing – provides another deterrent. If your adolescent has to pay a predetermined ‘fee’ or ‘toll’ for every profanity used, he may think twice about spending his hard earned allowance on curse words.

A curse word cookie jar worked miraculously for one mother’s son: “After a few weeks of paying for his language, he decided to give up swearing. It was just too expensive,” the mother happily proclaimed.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Brother and Sister Hate One Another: Parenting Tips for Sibling Rivalry

Question:

“I have a 14 year our daughter who is a basket of nerves. My son and she HATE each other. He knows exactly how to push her buttons and she gets so upset she usually just explodes in anger followed by tears. When she is upset there is no reasoning with her until she calms down. I can almost see the ‘excitement’ in my son’s eyes when he makes her cry. She is so vulnerable right now. He knows she is very aware of her figure and looks, so he is constantly calling her fat (although she is not fat at all). She then comes back at him with retard and why don’t we ‘send him away’. I fear what this is doing to her self-esteem and emotional needs.”

Answer:

Fighting among siblings is really a problem now with the kids being off school for this extended period of time due to the coronavirus issue. Moms of adolescents may be troubled by the amount of fighting, both verbal and physical, that is going on. This is a common problem in homes with teens, and one many moms find particularly difficult and upsetting. One mother said, "They are constantly bickering and yelling. There's no peace in the house anymore. They won't listen to me, and nothing I do seems to have any effect on them. Why do they hate each other so?"

If parents experience these kinds of problems and concerns, it may help if they try to gain a better understanding of sibling battles and then develop a plan for dealing with them in their home. In this society, people have the expectation that they will love and get along well with everyone in their family. They always expect to feel positive toward their parents, brothers, sisters, spouses and children. Most people, however, have at least some times when they don't feel very loving toward each other.

Relationships within a family are close, both emotionally and physically, and very intense. When the television show parents have been looking forward to is being drowned out by the cheerleading practice in the basement, or when the turkey leg they were saving for a snack is missing from the refrigerator, or when their spouse is gleefully telling a crowd of friends how they dented the car fender, they are not likely to feel loving. Because they are so close, family members have a greater power than anyone else to make other members feel angry, sad, confused -- and loving. This is just as true for kids and teens as it is for grown-ups.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Most siblings have probably been good friends - and good enemies - as they have grown. Having a sibling provides an opportunity to learn to get along with others. Especially when siblings are younger, they may fight bitterly, but they will probably be playing together again an hour later. For example, a youngster will say something hateful to a sibling, knowing full well they will still be siblings and friends when the fight is over. If the same thing was said to a playmate outside the family, that playmate might take his or her marbles and go home for good. Thus, kids learn from relationships with siblings just how certain words or actions will affect another person without the fear of losing the person's friendship.

Siblings fight for a number of reasons:

• They fight because they are growing up in a competitive society that teaches them that to win is to be better: "I saw it first." "I beat you to the water."
• They fight because they are jealous: "He got a new bike. I didn't. They must love him more than they love me." 
• They fight because they want a parent's attention, and the parent has only so much time, attention and patience to give. 
• They fight over ordinary teasing, which is a way of testing the effects of behavior and words on another person: "He called me a _____" … "But she called me a _____ first."

Kids need not weeks or months, but years to learn some of the socially approved ways to behave in relationships. Lessons about jealousy, competition, sharing and kindness are difficult to learn, and, indeed, some grown-ups still haven't learned them. Teens fight for the same reasons younger kids fight. But teens are bigger, louder and better equipped physically and intellectually to hurt - and be hurt - by words and actions.

From a mother's point of view, they "ought" to be old enough to stop that kind of behavior. What moms may forget is that teens are under pressure from many different directions. Physical and emotional changes - and changes in thinking - cause pressures, as do changing relationships with parents and peers. 

Adolescents may be concerned about real or imagined problems. They feel pressure about the future as adults and about learning to be an adult. In many ways, adolescents are in greater need than ever for parental love, attention and concern, and for a belief that they are as good as their siblings. A teenager may not recognize these needs, or may be too embarrassed to express them verbally, so fighting with siblings as a way to get parental attention may actually increase in adolescence. In truth, siblings don't really hate each other, at least not all the time. As kids mature and learn to control their energies and anxieties, chances are they will be good friends.

Moms and dads can recognize the reasons for the fighting and make up their minds that they will not tolerate it. It's not easy to stick to that resolution! However, many parents have found that sticking to that resolution is the most important factor in bringing peace to their home. Parents should tell their teens that while it's normal to have disagreements, the constant fighting upsets them and they value peace at home. They can say they will no longer be the judge and jury over the siblings' disputes, and they will not stand for it! Then, they must stand by the resolution.

One mom reported that every time a fight started, she would say to her teens, "You're fighting. I'm leaving." And then she would go out to work in the yard or take a drive or run an errand -- but she simply walked away from the fighting. Another mom used a similar tactic. When the fighting began, she said, "Call me when it's over." Then she went to her bedroom, slamming the door to emphasize her point. Another parent made his teenagers leave the house when they began fighting.

In each of these cases, the parents demonstrated that fighting would not get their attention and they would not get involved in the fight. Other parents have had success in imposing penalties for fighting (e.g., fines deducted from allowances, a certain amount of grounding for each fighter, etc.). These parents are showing their teenagers the cost of fighting is higher than the reward. Whatever tactic moms and dads use, if they are consistent and stick to their guns, they will almost certainly be successful in reducing the amount of fighting between their kids.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Living with fighting siblings is not pleasant. If parents can remain calm in the face of battling adolescents, if they can retain their sense of humor, and if they put up a determined and united front, they will find the war in their living room will end before long.

As a parent, do you:

• Avoid initiating competition among your kids?
• Make sure older kids are not usually forced to give in to younger ones because "he's little" or "she doesn't know better?" 
• Believe there can be something good in sibling fighting? 
• Make sure your teens realize they are each unique and have a special set of strengths? 
• Praise your teenagers for being who they are, not just for what they can do? 
• Realize teens and younger kids need to be given the right to decide not to share at least some of the time? 
• Recognize that each youngster is different? 
• Set aside some time to be alone with each youngster? 
• Talk to your teens about their fighting?

Here’s some more tips:

1. Be available to listen patiently to the problem and control your emotions. Typically, parents have more insight into solving a problem, so give your child positive suggestions she can use to work the problem out with her sibling.
2. Don't intervene, but do give some guidance.
3. Don't take sides -- remain neutral.
4. Encourage adolescents to work out issues constructively.
5. Do not allow aggressive behavior (e.g., hitting, pushing, etc.).
6. Express to each of your kids that you care for each of them as individuals and love them unconditionally.
7. Give them the opportunity to work out their problems on their own.
8. Help enforce the rules by outlining consequences when rules are broken. 
9. Help them recognize each other's individuality. 
10. Insist that they try to cooperate first. 
11. Overcome your own competitive nature. 
12. Share an interest in their activities. 
13. Spend time with them individually. 
14. Teach your kids good communication techniques, problem solving skills, and the importance of compromise.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Coping with Strong-Willed, Out-of-Control Teens: Self-Preservation Skills for Parents

Is your teenager acting-out in difficult ways? Are you at your wit's end?!

Parenting strong-willed, out-of-control adolescents is tough work. It takes creativity, determination, and patience! It's an extremely difficult phase to go through, but you’re not alone. For too many moms and dads, major conflict is an everyday occurrence.

When this is the case, the teen usually has a diagnosis of Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD), or at the very least exhibits many ODD traits. Parents can either choose to continue "business as usual" (which will only enrage and distance their teen further), or they can learn how to deal constructively with strong-willed behavior. Here’s how…

How to cope with strong-willed, out-of-control teens:

1. Often times, your best resource is silence (it really is golden in cases such as this). Strong-willed teens do not listen to reason. They can't (and even if they could, they wouldn't). When your teen tries to push your buttons – shut your mouth and go about your business.

2. Avoid picking up strong-willed traits. If you aren't careful, you could find yourself adopting much of your out-of-control teen’s behavior, even if you aren't voluntarily trying.

3. Detach from the situation as much as possible. Staying calm in the heat of the moment is paramount to your personal preservation. Spitting angry words and reacting with extreme emotions (screaming, crying, etc.) will only influence your teen to be even more stubborn and defiant.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

4. Don’t “call out” your stubborn teen. Bluntly stating the problem will not improve your relationship with him or her. Instead of reaching a reconciliation, your teen will likely just become more oppositional. Recognize that you can't handle this like you would any other personal conflict – it's a unique circumstance.

5. For the parent who has another adult in the house (e.g., spouse, partner, other family member), avoid getting cornered. When possible, avoid one-on-one arguments with your strong-willed teen. In other words, when he is pissed and you see him coming to corner you, demand that another adult (or adults) be brought in. This will sometimes thwart your teen’s plans to berate you. Bullies rarely stand up to a crowd.

6. When tempers flare, forget about trying to engage your strong-willed teen in any kind of reasonable conversation. It will never happen, at least not with you. Remember what happened in the course of the last 100 times you tried to have a civilized discussion about the status of your relationship with your teen. Chances are, every such attempt ended in you being blamed for everything. Decide now to quit banging your head against a brick wall.

7. Always remember that anything you say or do while angry will be used against you – over and over again. Strong-willed teens tend to have amazing memories, and they will not hesitate to use a nearly endless laundry list of complaints from the past against you. A year from now, you could be hearing about the angry response you had today. Strong-willed, out-of-control teens will seize anything that provides them the opportunity to lay blame like it was gold.

8. If your teen’s verbal attacks have little basis in raw fact, try to simply dismiss them. You can't possibly be as bad as she would like you to believe you are. However, don’t defend yourself out loud. It will only provoke her into another outburst and increase her manipulative behavior.

9. If your teenager is getting on your last nerve, take a time-out. Remember, he just wants to get a rise out of you. So show your teen that he has no effect. Count to 10 silently if you need to, and then state your views with confidence. Look your teen in the eye. If he is still being unreasonable and stubborn, then just ignore him. He will eventually back down when he notices that his attempts at “button-pushing” are failing.

10. Sometimes the healthiest way to deal with a strong-willed teen is to remove her from your environment. Do not torture yourself by exposing yourself to verbal abuse. Simply leave the room. Remember that you can’t "fix" this teenager. Remove yourself from the situation and treat it with indifference when possible.

11. Prepare for the fact that your teen will probably blame YOU for being “strong-willed.” You are going to be accused of much – or all – of this behavior yourself. If your teen gets a look at this article, to him it will look like an article about you. Prepare yourself for the fact that your teen’s flaws and failings will always be attributed to you.

12. Prepare to set some serious boundaries. Understand that eventually, you may have to create a separation between yourself and your strong-willed teen. Maintaining a relationship with a chronically abusive teenager is, literally, impossible. When enough is enough, he may just have to go live with his dad, or get a job and find an apartment (if he is older).

13. Protect your self-esteem. If you have regular dealings with a teenager who tries to portray you as the source of all evil, you need to take active steps to maintain a positive self-esteem. Focus on the people who validate you. Also, realize that your strong-willed teen is hurting you on purpose to improve her own self-esteem.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

14. Recognize that you will never convince your strong-willed teen that he has any responsibility for the parent-child conflict between the two of you. He doesn’t recognize (or if he did, wouldn't try to improve) his flaws for a very logical reason: He doesn't have any flaws (in his mind)! Understand and manage this mindset without casting blame and without giving in to anger. It's far easier said than done, and you will slip from time to time. But as time goes on, you'll get better at coping with this teen’s behavioral issues.

15. Avoid getting defensive. Understand that you can’t “beat” a strong-willed, out-of-control teenager. She is called “strong-willed” for a reason. In her mind, you are the source of all wrongdoing, and nothing you can do or say is going to make her consider your side of the story. Your opinion is of no consequence, because you are already guilty – no matter what!

16. Understand that it's not you – it's your teen. If you accept responsibility for your own faults and resolve to improve yourself, it's probably not you. This mindset can be surprisingly difficult, considering that the strong-willed teen has complete mastery of shifting the blame. Remember, strong-willed teens "can do no wrong." Chances are, the more often your teen blames you, the more he himself is actually at fault. However, keep in mind that this should NOT to be used as a way to blame your teen. Blaming is what strong-willed teens do – and they do it well. Instead, you are only facing the facts (for your own sake).

Raising strong-willed, out-of-control teens is tricky business. It’s important for them to have enough freedom to make their own mistakes, but they still need plenty of guidance to help them learn from those mistakes. Provide your oppositional teen with clear and consistent boundaries that will focus on teaching peace and levelheadedness – not resentment and retaliation. Lead by example!

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents