Insecure Attachment in 14-Year-old Adopted Daughter

Hi L., Please look for my comments where you see these arrows: =======>

Dear Mark, I'm writing again about my adopted girl now 14 years old. As you know we have been having problems with her since she was around 10. We have been through the whole counseling routine, where she manipulates and all, but now are involved in a so called family counseling service and for the most part I think they have been very good at not letting her call the shots and call her on things they see, instead of everything being the parents fault. I not saying we haven't made mistakes, the main one being as parents we do disagree on some of the accepted behaviors. 

 Since we cannot agree on how to discipline even when we agree on the rules, this has left her open to manipulate one of us, usually my husband. She basically knows what I will accept and since I have tried to remove the emotion from my statements and have tried to put the ball in her court as far as relationship goes, she has been better with me, but then sets her sights on my husband. He can't do what I do, he states he just has to be himself and if he cares about someone he can't pretend he doesn't when they are making mistakes or hurting his feelings. I get this too but that doesn't help her. 

 ============> Keep in mind that a weaker plan supported by both parents is much better than a stronger plan supported by only one. 

Her latest psychological evaluation states her diagnosis as insecure attachment. Different from RAD I'm told but very difficult to find information on. 

 ===========> “Insecure attachment” is a “problem with relationships” – it takes two people (e.g., child and parent). “RAD” is a disorder within the child. The purpose of labeling a parent-child relationship “insecure” is not to blame parents who love and intend the best for their children, but may be products themselves of insecure attachment, trauma or depression. Separation can also be a factor that contributes to insecure attachment. Insecure attachment and the developmental disruptions they can cause are often passed from one generation to the next unless steps are taken to repair what has been damaged. And it sounds like you are helping with “repair.” 

 She is very bright and is a good student who likes school and did excel at athletics until recently when she seems to exhibit very little interest into things she used to at least do and enjoy. She seems perfectly happy to spend as much time at home being non-compliant and lie in front of the TV. 

 ===========> Watching TV doesn’t involve “relationship” – thus it is a “self-soothing” behavior for her to engage in. (She could be out doing worse things.) 

My instincts tell me to not get involved with the sports situation as long as school is going well, and we have the other issues at home to deal with and let the natural consequences occur with sports but my husband feels she is wasting so much talent and ability and this could only help her in her future. My question is how far should we go to encourage her in sports and should she earn it and could you please check on some information for me of her new diagnosis.  

 ==========> Go with your instinct. I think you have bigger fish to fry than worrying about sports. Encourage? Yes. Insist? No. If she decides to pursue sports, the “practice” that comes with any sport will be how she earns it.  

Mark Hutten, M.A.

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Am I Just Seeing This The Wrong Way?

Mark, Thank you for your help and for being available. We have not yet implemented anything but have read most of session 1. David does like to bully his brothers and I guess everyone he can when he gets angry or wants and outcome to be a certain way.

Last night my son David asked me if he could go camping with his friend and his friend's father this weekend. He was doing better in school [before the virus came along and the schools closed]. I do see his efforts and don't want to discourage any positive even if it isn't what I would like to see completely. However, I was going to let him go and then in an argument that he swears he didn't start he pushed his younger brother in anger. This is not a new problem and we have handled it with appropriate consequences.

David's stepfather told him immediately that he wasn't going on this trip. I am not sure that is the right thing to do because we haven't really prepared him or any of our children for this new approach we are all taking. I guess I feel that we haven't really stood too strong up till now and to choose something that means this much to him without him really knowing the consequences before the action is unfair. All my children know that there is no physical abuse or verbal abuse tolerated in this home. I have recently started working full time and am not even home anymore (which I am adjusting) in order to take these situations on.

Anyway, without taking anymore of your time I feel it is unfair and will only cause him to feel helpless and angry and pull away. I don't feel that we properly prepared him for these consequences. Am I just seeing this the wrong way? Do you agree that it is the right or the wrong way to approach this incident?

C.

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Hi C.,

Ideally the parent would neither retract a consequence once imposed, nor withhold a reward was issued (i.e., once you impose a consequence -- stick to it; once you reward -- follow through in spite of subsequent behavior problems).

So if you already told your son that he can go camping, he should be able to go. There was no contingency attached to the 'deal' (e.g., "If you don't push your brother, then you can go camping").

But the larger issue (as you will discover in the ebook) is fostering the development of self-reliance. Thus the question now is “what did your son do to EARN his camping trip?”

"Ignoring misbehavior" is an over-rated parenting strategy. But when it comes to "sibling rivalry," ignoring misbehavior is the best approach. This is difficult for most parents, because the idea of an older sib hurting a younger, smaller weaker sib is seemingly intolerable. But when parents refuse to play referee, the siblings are forced to develop "give-and-take" social skills that are greatly needed later in adult life. (I'm an older sib, and I can tell you that older sibs do not kill their younger brothers and sisters.)

Also, it would be best for you and your husband to consult one another before making any decisions regarding your children's rewards or consequences. When one parent makes a decision alone that the other parent does not agree with, then one or the other is forced into the position of being the "bad guy."

Here's to a better home environment,

Mark

 

==> DO you and your spouse disagree on how and when to discipline your teenager? Click here for a bunch of suggestions...


==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents