Showing posts sorted by relevance for query discipline problem. Sort by date Show all posts
Showing posts sorted by relevance for query discipline problem. Sort by date Show all posts

Defiant Teenagers with Chronic In-School Suspensions

Recently my husband and I started your program. We started the program because of the problem of constant In School Suspension for my 13 yr old son. He is defiant. His last time in ISS was because of chewing gum in Music class. He was told to spit it out and then was later seen with gum again. He spent 3 days in ISS. Yesterday he somehow exploded his milk at lunch and wet himself and his food. This resulted in him loosing lunch, it was not replaced at school, and the school gave him one week in the back of the lunchroom by himself. 2-3 hours later my husband was able to take him dry clothes. I try very hard to support the school in order to show my son my support for their decisions. However, I find some of the consequences from the school as excessive. Am I wrong and just being over protective? What sort of punishment should I do at home for his trouble in school? The school is threatening to send him to a behavior school that even they think may do more harm than good. He was in 1/2 day ISS today for arguing with his teacher about a complete sentence. What can I do? ~ J.

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Hi J.,

Re: Am I wrong and just being over protective?

Over protective? Perhaps.

Wrong? Probably not.

Unfortunately, once a kid gets labeled a “problem child” (which I’m sure has happened to your son), things tend to take an ugly turn for the worse. Teachers (even though they will deny this) tend to view the “problem child” differently after he has “rocked the boat” excessively.

Let’s be totally honest here. Your son is a pain in their rear end – and they really would prefer that he attend school elsewhere. And if your son does leave that school, many will breath a sigh of relief.

Is this fair? No.

Is it right? Of course not.

Can you blame them? Not really.

They simply do not know how to teach an intense, strong-willed child. They are using traditional teaching methods with a “non-traditional” student.

Re: What sort of punishment should I do at home for his trouble in school?

If he’s receiving a consequence at school, you really shouldn’t issue another one at home. I’m sure your son is frustrated enough with how things are going.
 

Re: What can I do?

If the school is sending home complaints about your son's behavior -- and expecting you to do something about it -- put the ball back in their court by requesting a Functional Behavior Assessment (FBA) (see below). This will force school personnel to really think about your child's behavior, not just react to it.

An FBA examines what comes before bad behavior and what the consequences are for it; what possible function the behavior could serve for the child; and what sorts of things could be setting him or her off.

If a child finds class work too hard or a classroom too oppressive, for example, getting sent to the hallway or ISS could become a reward, not a punishment. Conducting an FBA and writing a Behavior Intervention Plan (BIP) (see below) based on it is probably the best way to head off discipline problems.

If teachers and administrators refuse to go along with it, you might need to do a little behavior analysis on them.

A Functional Behavioral Assessment (FBA) is an attempt to look beyond the obvious interpretation of behavior as "bad" and determine what function it may be serving for a child. Truly understanding why a child behaves the way he or she does is the first, best step to developing strategies to stop the behavior. Schools are required by law to use FBA when dealing with challenging behavior in students with special needs, although you may need to specifically push for it.

The process usually involves documenting the antecedent (what comes before the behavior), behavior, and consequence (what happens after the behavior) over a number of weeks; interviewing teachers, parents, and others who work with the child; evaluating how the child's disability may affect behavior; and manipulating the environment to see if a way can be found to avoid the behavior. This is usually done by a behavioral specialist, and then becomes the basis for a Behavior Intervention Plan.

Examples: A student may act up frequently and be sent to stand in the hallway. However, a FBA may find that the student acts up only during times when a lot of writing is required in class, and that he has documented difficulty with fine motor skills. The misbehavior serves the function of getting him out of written work. Supports to reduce the amount of writing needed and tools to make writing easier may eliminate the behavior in a way that escalating punishments never will.

A good Behavior Intervention Plan (BIP) can make a big difference in how a student with special needs acts and reacts in a school setting. However, getting the appropriate school personnel to do the necessary behavior analysis and put a plan together can be a frustratingly lengthy process. You may want to try proposing a behavior plan of your own -- particularly if you have a good relationship with your child’s study team, and your child's teachers are as frustrated by the delays as you are. 
 

At the very least, seeing behavior plans that others have put together can help you be an active participant in the planning process. Below is an example of successful behavior plan for a kid with ADHD:

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Positive Behavior Support Plan

EXAMPLE: (PLAN FOR FIRST GRADE, ADHD CHILD)

Behavior impacting learning is: impulsivity, kicking and throwing self to floor, disrupts class room, and recess/ unstructured activities

It impedes learning because: he is unavailable for instruction, disrupts others and teacher

Estimate of current severity of behavior problem: moderate to severe

Current frequency / intensity / duration of behavior: 3-4 / week, sometimes, up to 3 times/day

Current predictors for behavior: teasing / rejection by peers, over-stimulation, inability to express self, “sensory overload”, unexpected changes in routine, transitions, unstructured activities

What should student do instead of this behavior: learn to communicate frustrations with adult guidance either through story telling or drawing pictures about his feelings, learn to “walk away” from frustration

What supports the student using the problem behavior: misunderstanding or misinterpretation of his behaviors and communicative intent

Behavioral Goals/ Objectives related to this plan: development of age appropriate social skills, coping skills, and self-monitoring, increased tolerance to change in routine, and the development of positive replacement behaviors

Are curriculum accommodations necessary? yes / no

Is there a curriculum accommodation plan? yes / no

Teaching Strategies for new behavior instruction: validation of feelings and offering alternative replacement behaviors in the form of 1-2 choices, consistency of social skills development with “social stories”, consistent encouragement to “use words”, use clear, simple directions, ignore inappropriate behavior whenever possible............ By: teacher, aides, parents

Environmental structure and supports, time/space/materials/interactions: consistency in routine, designate a “safe place” to calm down, using favorite toys, books or activities engage him in a desired activity, avoid confrontation through calmness, negotiation, choices, diversion of attention, do not use physical force except for immediate safety concerns, anticipate predictors of behavior and avoid or prepare for intervention......By: teacher, aides, parents

Reinforcers/ rewards: immediately reward appropriate behaviors, lots of smiles, verbal praise, read stories of his choice, outside play, being a “helper”, “special “jobs”, seating next to a positive peer role model, “Social Stories’ book, puzzles, art projects, computer time/games....... By: teacher, aides, parents.....
 

Monitoring results and Communication:
options: daily, weekly reports
by phone: leave message, write in “Communication Book” to be sent home on Fridays, IEP Team should meet 4-6 weeks after implementation to discuss results of plan and make any necessary changes

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Below is a blank form you can use for a Positive Behavioral Intervention Plan:

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Positive Behavioral Intervention Plan
Planning Form - Blank
IEP teams can use this form to guide them through the process of developing the Positive Behavioral Intervention Plan.
Student _________________________________________
Age __________
Sex ___________
Teacher(s) _____________________________________________
Grade _________________
Case Manager __________________________________________
Date(s) ________________
Reason for intervention plan:
Participants (specify names):
( ) student___________________________( ) family member ____________________( ) special educator____________________( ) general educator ___________________( ) peer(s) ___________________________ ( ) special education administrator_______________( ) general education administrator ______________( ) school psychologist________________________( ) other agency personnel____________________________________________________________
( ) other (specify) _________________________________________________________

Fact Finding

1. General learning environment: Describe the student’s school class schedule, including any special programs or services.

2. Problem behavior: Define the problem behavior(s) in observable, measurable, and countable terms (i.e., topography, event, duration, seriousness, and/or intensity). Include several examples of the behavior.

3. Setting events: Describe important things that are happening in the student’s life that may be causing the behavior(s) of concern.

4. Review existing data: Summarize previously collected information (records review, interviews, observations, and test results) relevant to the behavior(s). Attach additional sheets if necessary.

Possible Explanations

5. Identify likely antecedents (precipitating events) to the behavior(s).

6. Identify likely consequences that may be maintaining the behavior(s).

7. Identify and describe any academic or environmental context(s) in which the problem behavior(s) does not occur.

Validation

8. Functional assessment: Do you already have enough information to believe that the possible explanations are sufficient to plan an intervention?

a. If yes, go to Step 9, if no, then what additional data collection is necessary?
( ) Review of IEP goals and objectives
( ) Review of medical records
( ) Review of previous intervention plans
( ) Review of incident reports
( ) ABC (across time and situations)
( ) Motivational analysis
( ) Ecological analysis
( ) Curricular analysis
( ) Scatter plot
( ) Parent questionnaire/interview
( ) Student questionnaire/interview
( ) Teacher questionnaire/interview (specify who) ______________________
( ) Other (explain) _______________________________________________
b. Summarize data. Attach additional sheets if necessary.

Planning

9. Formulate hypothesis statement: Using the table below, determine why the student engages in problem behavior(s), whether the behavior(s) serves single or multiple functions, and what to do about the behavior(s).
Internal - External
Obtain Something
Avoid Something 
 

10. Current level of performance: Describe problem behavior(s) in a way the team will recognize onset and conclusion of behavior.

11. Describe replacement behavior(s) that are likely to serve the same function as the behavior(s) identified in Step 9.

12. Measurement procedures for problem behavior(s) and replacement behavior(s):
a. Describe how (e.g., permanent products, event recording, scatterplot), when, and where student behavior(s) will be measured.

b. Summarize data by specifying which problem behavior(s) and replacement behavior(s) will be targets for intervention.

13. Behavioral intervention plan:
a. Specify goals and objectives (conditions, criteria for acceptable performance) for teaching the replacement behavior(s).

b. Specify instructional strategies that will be used to teach the replacement behavior(s).

c. Specify strategies that will be used to decrease problem behavior(s) and increase replacement behavior(s).

d. Identify any changes in the physical environment needed to prevent problem behavior(s) and to promote desired (replacement) behavior(s), if necessary.

e. Specify extent to which intervention plan will be implemented in various settings; specify settings and persons responsible for implementation of plan.

14. Evaluation plan and schedule: Describe the plan and timetable to evaluate effectiveness of the intervention plan.
a. Describe how, when, where, and how often the problem behavior(s) will be measured.

b. Specify persons and settings involved.

c. Specify a plan for crisis/emergency intervention, if necessary

d. Determine schedule to review/modify the intervention plan, as needed. Include dates and criteria for changing/fading the plan.

15. Describe plan and timetable to monitor the degree to which the plan is being implemented.

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Good luck. I trust the above will be helpful,

Mark Hutten, M.A.

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What To Do When You And Your Spouse Disagree On How To Discipline

You and your partner may have thought it would never happen – that your children would always remain precious angels, so perfect that you would never have to think about how to discipline them. Unfortunately, as most moms and dads know, that fantasy turns into a harsh reality very early on. Children will be children and how you intend to discipline them will soon become a very real fact of your life.

To make matters worse, as your kids grow older you may even find that you and your partner are not always on the same page when it comes to discipline. Discipline differences can cause trouble in a marriage – and can also greatly confuse your kids. It is important that you and your partner work together to come up with discipline methods that you both can agree on.


Many moms and dads end up adopting disciplinary techniques similar to those that that they grew up with. If your parents were overly strict, you may find yourself taking that type of approach with your own kids. If your partner’s parents were somewhat permissive, you may see that your partner has a more laid back way of doing things. Thus, you may be deemed the “mean” parent while your partner will be seen as the pushover. If you want to avoid this problem, there are some issues that you and your partner should talk about ahead of time:

• Don’t be trapped by your past. That includes both your own childhood and the style of discipline you may have used in an earlier marriage. Look for ways to explore, with your spouse, your unquestioned assumptions about disciplining kids. One good way to do that is to take a parenting class together. That does two things: It helps you realize how differently other people respond to the same situations you face as parents, and it gives you and your spouse a common base of information from which to develop your shared approaches to discipline.

• Agree on a signal to alert both of you that the conversation is, or is about to, get too heated and needs to be halted.

• The premise of a time-out is simple enough. When your youngster misbehaves, she must sit alone in a designated area for a specified amount of time. But, perhaps your partner feels that this technique has no merit. Thus, if you spend all week putting your youngster in time-out whenever she misbehaves, and then on the weekends your partner doesn’t do the same, your youngster may feel that she can get away with more when you are not around.

• Consider taking a few parenting classes together. That way you'll have a common parenting experience to draw on. Hearing how other people parent (and why) can give a fresh perspective on what you want for your own family. Even though we may have learned how to parent from our parents, as adults we benefit from learn new skills.

• Negotiate a Plan in Calm Waters. Sit down with your partner and try to agree on ways to discipline at a time when nothing is wrong. When you discuss things calmly, you're more likely to come up with a plan you can both stick to. This will allow you to talk about what's best for your youngster, and not "who's right."

• Spanking is a very controversial disciplinary tactic. If you were routinely spanked as a youngster, you may have already vowed that you would never do that to your own kids. Because it is such a hot topic, it is very important that you discuss the subject of spanking with your partner. Your partner may feel that a swift swat on the bottom is not harmful to a youngster, while you may feel that any type of hitting is completely unacceptable. If you cannot come to terms on this subject, your children are going to pick up on it.

• Create your own family "rulebook." Write clear, reasonable, attainable rules (for both parents and kids) about what behavior is acceptable and what isn't. Your family, like a baseball team, will be more successful when you have clear guidelines.

• Present a Unified Front. Children understand when their parents feel differently about disciplining, no matter what their age. Kids will often get away with misbehaving simply by creating an argument between you and your partner — and this not only lets them off the hook, it creates a problem between the moms and dads. Make sure that your youngster sees both parents following the same guidelines, no matter what the scenario. Once your children start receiving the same treatment from both parents, they'll stop using your disagreements as a way to avoid punishment.

• Make a commitment both to honor and act on the signal. You might walk away and have an agreed-upon cooling off period. Or set a time to revisit your differences in opinion. Or write down what you're feeling and later share it with your spouse, who might better understand where you're coming from.


• Recognize What Your Arguments Do to Your Kids. No youngster likes to see his or her parents fight. When you argue about what to do with your children, you create a troubling environment for them, which could have serious long-tem effects. Fighting with your partner shifts the focus away from your youngster — and how they can learn to stop misbehaving — and on to a "parent versus parent" situation.

• Remember your successes. During your marriage, you and your wife have undoubtedly successfully negotiated many situations-with each of you both giving and taking a little until you reached some middle ground. You also be successful at ending arguments in front of the kids if you really want to. It won't be easy, but it will be rewarding. And your kids will be the ultimate winners.

• Make a plan and be consistent. Consistency is the most important thing to keep in mind when disciplining your kids. Try to avoid making empty threats, because kids can see right through them. Threaten a few times without following through and your children will soon learn not to take you seriously. Work with your partner to develop a plan that will keep you both in sync. Develop a punishment system for your children, as well as a rewards system for good behavior.

• Some moms and dads feel that the punishment should fit the crime. For example, if your children are fighting over which television show to watch, the punishment might be no television at all for a day. Or if your youngster grabs a toy from another youngster, he or she may not be allowed to play with that toy at all. Talk to your partner to see if you are both on the same page when it comes to consequences for your youngster.

• Be prepared for behavioral problems. Remember that many changes in kid’s behaviors are linked to their stage of normal development. It should come as no surprise that your toddler becomes defiant or your preschooler has an occasional temper tantrum. Talk ahead of time about how each of you would handle these predictable situations. That way you’ll have fewer conflicts when they occur.

• If, after discussing the various types of discipline methods, you find that you and your partner still cannot agree on how to discipline your kids, you should seek professional family counseling at once. This is not an area where you can just hope things will work out by themselves. Disciplining your kids is one of the most important parts of parenthood. Do a good job at it, and you children will grow into happy, well-adjusted adults.

Disciplining your kids can take a toll on your marriage if you and your partner don’t agree on how to do it.

==> Effective Disciplinary Techniques for Defiant Teens and Preteens
By

When Your Ex-Husband Undermines Your Disciplinary Efforts

"How do I get back on track in my house when my son’s father (we are divorced) undermines my disciplinary efforts?"

There are some families in which the parents’ beliefs about changing their kid’s behavior are so different that their attempts at discipline become more of a problem than a solution. A youngster whose mom is strict but whose dad is a consistent pushover, for example, receives confusing information about what’s expected.

A parent who gives in to his kids’ every demand in the hope of satisfying them almost always finds that the opposite happens: Instead of letting up, the kids continue to push for more and more, looking for a sign of how much is too much.

A similar thing happens if the moms and dads can’t decide how to discipline and set limits on their kids. It’s healthy for kids to see how their mom and dad reach a compromise or settle a disagreement if it’s done peacefully and effectively. But if the parents can’t reach an agreement, the kids’ behavior often gets worse as they search for the reassurance of stable boundaries to their lives.

In those situations, the main issue of using discipline to teach kids appropriate behavior gets lost in the battles between the mom and dad for an illusion of control. The kids become confused and respond by continuing to act out, both to assert their own power and to figure out which rules are really important.

Realize that disagreeing with your ex about discipline is normal and inevitable. It doesn’t mean that you are incompatible as co-parents. It does mean that you are not clones of each other. Don’t let “lack of agreement” evolve into more than it is. Agree to disagree.

Unfair fighting is never a good life lesson. Witnessing moms and dads sniping, bullying, screaming or giving the cold shoulder is frightening to kids, and teaches them to avoid or to abuse disagreements. Don’t go there, no matter how tempting it is to hit below the belt.

Decide in advance (as in right now!) what’s really important in your family. I’m sure that you and your ex can agree on at least a handful of issues that you’ll always concur are important and should be handled in a certain manner. Many families consider health (e.g., wearing bicycle helmets, banning substance use, etc.), education (e.g., completing class work and homework in an appropriate manner), respect (at home, school and in the public), and honesty to be “givens.”

The bottom line is that the best disciplinary decision is made – not who made it. This is not about notches in the gun belt — it’s about giving consequences that will lower your youngster’s frequency of inappropriate behavior and raise the odds of acceptable behavior in the future, pure and simple. If you feel that your ex is working against you, try giving a preset signal that means “we need to talk.”

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Forming a united front on discipline is often more easily said than done. Here are some ideas that may help:

1. Agree on a signal to alert both of you that the conversation is – or is about to get — too heated and needs to be halted.

2. Make a commitment both to honor and act on the signal. You might walk away and have an agreed-upon cooling-off period …or set a time to revisit your differences in opinion …or write down what you’re feeling and later share it with your ex (who might better understand where you’re coming from).

3. Be prepared for behavioral problems. Remember that many changes in kids’ behaviors are linked to their stage of normal development. Talk ahead of time about how each of you would handle predictable situations. That way you’ll have fewer conflicts when they occur.

4. Create your own family “rulebook.” Write clear, reasonable, attainable rules (for both parents and kids) about what behavior is acceptable and what isn’t. Your family, like a football team, will be more successful when you have clear guidelines.

5. Don’t be trapped by your past. That includes both your own childhood and the style of discipline you may have used in an earlier marriage. Look for ways to explore (with your ex) your unquestioned assumptions about discipline. One good way to do that is to take a parenting class together. That does two things: It helps you realize how differently other people respond to the same situations you face as mother and father, and it gives you and your ex a common base of information from which to develop your shared approaches to discipline.

6. Don’t go overboard in trying to avoid arguments. Having small squabbles in front of the kids – and then resolving them peacefully – can actually be good for them. It shows that it’s possible to disagree with someone, and that relationships don’t end just because people are quarreling with each other.

7. Remember your successes. You and your ex have undoubtedly successfully negotiated many situations with each of you both giving and taking a little until you reached some middle ground. You can be successful at ending arguments in front of the kids if you really want to. It won’t be easy, but it will be rewarding. And your kids will be the ultimate winners.

8.    Lastly, remember that a weaker parenting plan supported by both mom AND dad is much better than a stronger plan supported by only one parent.


 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents
By

What To Do When You and Your Spouse Disagree On Discipline

"My husband and I have very different parenting styles and that has really worked against us over the years …I tend to be strict while my husband is not and I feel that I need to compensate for his lack of discipline and follow through. I'm constantly clashing with my kids and tired of being the wicked witch."

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When parents have different disciplining styles, there's bound to be dissension and arguing. Tension's a given anytime two or more people work on the same project but each take a different approach.

Co-parenting is similar to any other partnership. Each person brings to the table what's been learned along the way. As parents, we're influenced by the disciplinary approaches we experienced growing up, and we tend to apply them to our children-often without first talking them through with our partner.

Imagine a baseball team-eager to win a game-but guided by two coaches who follow different rules and dish out contradictory information. Imagine the tension and the reactions of the players as they witness the coaches quarreling. If you and your husband fight in front of the children, you may not be aware of the ways in which they are affected. Some children may learn "that must be the way people resolve conflicts." Others may learn how to play one parent against the other, which causes even more confusion and distress in the family.

Here are some strategies that can be helpful:

1. Agree on a signal to alert both of you that the conversation is, or is about to, get too heated and needs to be halted. Make a commitment both to honor – and act on the signal. You might walk away and have an agreed-upon cooling off period. Or set a time to revisit your differences in opinion. Or write down what you're feeling and later share it with your partner, who might better understand where you're coming from.

2. Be prepared for behavioral problems. Remember that many changes in kids’ behaviors are linked to their stage of normal development. It should come as no surprise that your toddler becomes defiant or your preschooler has an occasional temper tantrum. Talk ahead of time about how each of you would handle these predictable situations. That way you’ll have fewer conflicts when they occur.

3. Create your own family "rule book." Write clear, reasonable, attainable rules (for both parents and kids) about what behavior is acceptable and what isn't. Your family, like a baseball team, will be more successful when you have clear guidelines.

4. Do not to go overboard in trying to avoid arguments. Having small squabbles in front of the kids – and then resolving them peacefully – can actually be good for them; it shows that it's possible to disagree with someone you love, and that relationships don't end just because people are quarreling with each other.

5. Don’t be trapped by your past. That includes both your own childhood and the style of discipline you may have used in an earlier marriage. Look for ways to explore, with your spouse, your unquestioned assumptions about disciplining kids. One good way to do that is to take a parenting class together. That does two things: It helps you realize how differently other people respond to the same situations you face as parents, and it gives you and your spouse a common base of information from which to develop your shared approaches to discipline.

6. Don't let negative childhood experiences determine your decision making about discipline. Keep your focus on the positive aspects of your family life in childhood to bring to your current parenting practices. This approach will free you to replace discipline strategies that don't work for both parents because of beliefs based in families of origin with solution-focused practices that respect and continue the positive experiences of both parents' childhoods.

7. Have a conversation about the ways childhood histories may be influencing the disagreement about discipline. Take a problem-solving approach to identify: (1) What is the specific child-rearing issue that is causing disagreement between parents? (2) What are the feelings and beliefs that each parent has about the issue that may be rooted in childhood family history? (3) What problem-solving alternatives can each of you commit to that will resolve the disagreement and unite both parents in adapting the beliefs and practices of your families of origin to your family life today?

8. Negotiate a Plan in Calm Waters. Sit down with your spouse and try to agree on ways to discipline at a time when nothing is wrong. When you discuss things calmly, you're more likely to come up with a plan you can both stick to. This will allow you to talk about what's best for your child, and not "who's right."

9. Present a Unified Front. Kids understand when their moms & dads feel differently about disciplining, no matter what their age. Kids will often get away with misbehaving simply by creating an argument between you and your spouse — and this not only lets them off the hook, it creates a problem between the moms & dads. Make sure that your child sees both parents following the same guidelines, no matter what the scenario. Once your kids start receiving the same treatment from both parents, they'll stop using your disagreements as a way to avoid punishment.

10. Put your childhood experiences in historical perspective. Gender roles, child safety issues, environmental factors, and cultural norms change dramatically across the generations. What worked for your family 'back in the day' may not transfer comfortably to your current family situation. What are the issues in modern family life that trigger a strong belief that the values and child-rearing practices from your childhood are important to uphold and continue in your own family?

11. Recognize that strong beliefs about child rearing may have their basis in childhood family experiences. At the same time, know that your spouse's beliefs have the same powerful roots.

12. Recognize What Your Arguments Do to Your Kids. No child likes to see his or her parents fight. When you argue about what to do with your kids, you create a troubling environment for them, which could have serious long-term effects. Fighting with your spouse shifts the focus away from your child — and how they can learn to stop misbehaving — and on to a "parent versus parent" situation.

13. Remember the positive experiences from your childhood. Think about your everyday life rather than the major events. What was going on around you during those happy times? It's fun to share these memories with your family, so make them a part of your traditions and family life. What are the positive values and childhood experiences that you want to uphold and continue in your family?

14. Remember your successes. During your marriage, you and your husband have undoubtedly successfully negotiated many situations -- with each of you both giving and taking a little until you reached some middle ground. You can also be successful at ending arguments in front of the kids if you really want to. It won't be easy, but it will be rewarding. And your kids will be the ultimate winners.

15. Seek professional help from a good Marriage & Family Therapist if you continue to struggle with co-parenting issues.

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Resolving Parental Disputes

"I'm the mom of an 18 yr. old boy, and I have always had to be the 'bad guy' throughout his and his sister's lives as my husband has NEVER given either of them a consequence EVER. My daughter seems to be doing fine, but we have had lots of issues with my son. My son has cussed at me and my husband just stands there and says nothing. My husband has also put me down in front of my son. I think that was because he wants our son to 'like him'. This has more than damaged my marriage, and I am fearful that my son will treat his wife the same way some day. I feel it is too late in my circumstance. My friends say that some day my son will think of me with respect because I did stand up to him and have expectations for him. I hope I live to see it. I love him dearly and just want him to have a happy and successful life." 


There are some families in which the parents’ beliefs about changing children’s behavior are so different that their attempts at discipline become more of a problem than a solution. A youngster whose dad is strict, but whose mom is a consistent pushover, for example, receives confusing information about what’s expected.

Such fundamental disagreements can lead to difficulties that go far beyond the consequences of not picking up toys after playing with them. Moms and dads who have significantly different parenting styles are more likely to have kids with behavior problems than families who have similar styles.

Here are some steps you can take to work towards resolving parenting disagreements:
1.    Be prepared for behavioral problems. Remember that many changes in your kid’s behaviors are linked to their stage of normal development. It should come as no surprise that your 3-year-old becomes defiant or your first-grader has an occasional temper tantrum. Talk ahead of time about how each of you would handle these predictable situations. That way you’ll have fewer conflicts when they occur.

2.    Discuss your parenting objectives. What is important to both of you? Sit down with your spouse and decide what values are most important. Also, what areas are not as important?

3.    Don’t be trapped by your past. That includes both your own childhood and the style of discipline you may have used in an earlier marriage. Look for ways to explore, with your partner, your unquestioned assumptions about disciplining kids. One good way to do that is to take a parenting class together. That does two things: (a) it helps you realize how differently other people respond to the same situations you face as moms and dads, and (b) it gives you and your partner a common base of information from which to develop your shared approaches to discipline.

4.    Find out what both of your parenting strengths and weaknesses are. Many times both moms and dads want the same things for their children. Compliment your spouse on his/her strengths. Don't just point out your spouse's flaws.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

5.    If at all possible, don't disagree in front of your kids. You can't always anticipate where and when you will disagree, but when you can, discuss the issue in private first and return to present a unified front. Disagreeing in front of kids, while not necessarily damaging, can be confusing for them. At the same time, a healthy difference of opinion and subsequent negotiation, compromise, and follow-through on a decision is not necessarily a bad process for kids to see.

6.    If the discussion gets heated, agree to disagree. Fighting about how to parent is only going to make the situation worse. Walk away, take a break and discuss it when you are not angry.

7.    Parenting and relationships are a growing process. The more you communicate the better parent/spouse you will be. Learn from each other and listen to each other. Build on your parenting strengths and tackle your parenting weaknesses a little at a time. It won't happen overnight, but if you continue to discuss things with your spouse calmly and positively, you will become a better parenting team.

8.    You and your spouse will never agree on everything, but perhaps you can agree on a decision-making process. Some situations call for immediate parental action, but if you aren't satisfied with how a situation was handled, you can discuss later and decide how you will handle these kinds of situations in the future. In other situations, you may be able to step away and briefly discuss alternatives. Explaining your reasoning to both your youngster and your spouse will go a long way to building trust with both your kids and your spouse.

9.    Plan ahead. Discuss problem situations you are having with your kids. For example, if you are having a problem with your youngster having tantrums, discuss how you think this should be handled. If you have a plan in action, it will be easier for both of you to follow each other's wishes.

10.    Remember that, compared with losing a loving unified home, the damage that may be caused to your kids by your partner's different idea of what is best for them is likely trivial – even assuming you're right and your partner is wrong. Placing things in perspective this way often leads you to discover that you've been fighting over nothing and resolves things right there.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

11.    Talk about where your kids are developmentally and what they are capable of understanding. Sometimes the reasons for parenting disputes are because one spouse thinks that a youngster is capable of understanding something and the other disagrees. Knowing what your youngster's cognitive level is will help you to make better decisions. Don’t compare your youngster to other kids. You can use examples based on what they are capable of doing and not doing. For example, if you ask them to get something out of their toy box, do they understand and go get it? If not, expecting your youngster to be able to understand certain things may be unreasonable.

12.    The majority of parenting disagreements are over discipline methods and when it is appropriate to discipline. One parent may think that spanking is the best method, and the other may prefer time-outs or something else. One of the most effective ways to resolve this issue is to talk about it. Find out the reasons why your spouse feels the way he/she does. There are pros and cons to every form of parenting. Talk about why your spouse thinks his/her discipline style is the better method. Sometimes talking about it will help you to see each other's point of view.

13.    There is so much advice from websites, blogs, online discussion groups, family and friends, and from books and magazines. Find a few trusted writers that are close to your parenting philosophy, and use them as guides to consult at times of conflict. Consider a trusted organization like the American Academy of Pediatrics. Couples may want to agree on a few advisors from whom they will seek guidance.

14.    Time is precious for new moms and dads, and we often don't have the luxury of long conversations, but if you can find some uninterrupted time, it is great for each of you to share how you were parented and what you think was useful and what wasn't. If you have never had these kinds of conversations, it will at least put the disagreements into perspective. If you can find the time, it would also be great to talk about your hopes and dreams for your youngster and what it will take to support them to reach those dreams.

15.    Work on role modeling communication. If your kids see that you communicate and problem solve together, they will grow up to do the same. Kids often repeat patterns of their own moms and dads. Look at your relationship and evaluate how you communicate. Is this the way you would like your kids to communicate with their future spouse?


 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents
By

Let's Trouble-Shoot

Dear Mark,

I have a 13 year old adopted daughter. She is the youngest of 6 children, 2 biological and 4 adopted. We were foster parents for many years and therefore have had much experience with children, both well adjusted and troubled.

She is very bright and very athletic. She is in the 7th grade taking accelerated classes and has been on the honor role. She excels in sports also.

We noticed a difference in her a few years back and for the last 3 years her behavior at home has been on a steady decline. She has been able to keep things together outside the home but I'm not sure for how long. We had been in counseling 2 1/2 years with poor results and have recently started it again due to a suggestion from the local hospital behavioral unit, which she spent 4 days in March. This was her first hospitalization, but fear it will not be her last.

Her behaviors have escalated to property destruction and physical retaliation. She refuses to admit anything is wrong and she feels we are the problem since she does well everywhere else. If we try to talk to her she screams shut-up the entire time and if we don't or argue with her this is when she destroys things in the house and then says it our fault because we wouldn't leave her alone. Our house is a time bomb.

She has been diagnosed with ODD and I feel there is much more going on than that. A few years back she was diagnosed with ODD, depression, and attachment issues. We tried medication for the depression but she would not take it and states she will not take any meds now. We can't force her to do this, so I do not feel any amount of counseling will help if she first doesn't admit there is a problem.

I have been a member of the Online Support for a while now and know your views on sending children away, but I don't know how much longer we'll be able to tolerate this in the house without my husband or I having a heart attack or stoke with all the explosions and non-compliance.

Yes, I have read the print version and listened to 90% of the online version and have tried to implement as many of the suggestions as possible. I know there is never a quick fix, and I know with attachment issues it would be in her best interest for her to be stable in our house, but I have to consider more than just her.

I have read it would be better for her to consider a boarding school rather than a residential treatment center, but usually the student needs to fill out some of the application and have an interview, and I fear she will sabotage this. I'm also concerned we will not be able to afford this and was wondering if you have any other suggestions for financial help. I really would like to research this and not have to make a split decision that might not be the best for our daughter.

I would appreciate any help you can give on this matter. Any questions you can email or call me.

Thanks in advance,

Frustrated

-----------------

Hi Frustrated,

Well first, it’s clear to me that you need some outside assistance. If you haven’t done so already, and if you live in the U.S., go to your local Juvenile Probation Department and file an incorrigibility complaint. Then your daughter will be assigned a Probation Officer who can help you with services.

Second, allow me to share with you what I see in those cases where parents seem to have difficulty getting 'off the ground' with these parenting techniques:

Some parents have always been indecisive about what course of action to try with their child. They jump from one parenting technique to the other without giving any one technique enough time to be effective, or they try a new parenting technique once and then give up in frustration because it didn't work fast enough.

Some parents will say, "We've tried everything and nothing works with this kid." On rare occasion, this may be true. What I usually see is parents drifting from one parenting tool to another without refining their parenting tools.

Here are several ways to refine:

---Realize the same discipline may not work for all children, because of the unique features of different children

---Try to blend a combination of several parenting tools to create a more effective discipline

---Don't believe it when your children seem unaffected by discipline. Children often pretend discipline doesn't bother them. Continue to be persistent with your planned discipline, and consider yourself successful by keeping your parenting plan in place. When children pretend a discipline doesn't bother them, parents often give up on a discipline, which reinforces the child's disobedience. Remember, you can only control your actions, not your children's reactions.

Let's trouble-shoot.

Below is a summary of all the assignments I gave you in My Out-of-Control Teen eBook. If parents do not implement ALL of these assignments, it will be the "kiss of failure." For example, the transmission in your car has hundreds of parts, but if just one little tiny part is not working -- the whole transmission does not work. The same is true with this "parent program." Omit just one strategy, and the whole plan falls through the floor.

1. Are you asking your daughter at least one question each day that cannot be answered with a simple "yes" or a "no" to demonstrate that you are interested in what is going on in her life? (page 20 of the printable version of eBook)

2. Are you saying to your child "I love you" everyday and expecting nothing in return? (page 20)

3. Are you eating dinner together at least one evening each week -- either at home or out? (page 20)

4. Do you use "The Art of Saying Yes" whenever your answer is yes? (page 25)

5. Do you use "The The Art of Saying - and Sticking With - No" whenever your answer is no? (page 25)

6. Do you catch your daughter in the act of doing something right at least once each day? (page 25)

7. Do you use the "When You Want Something From Your Kid" approach as needed? (page 31)

8. Do you give your child at least one chore each day? (page 31)

9. Do you find something fun to do with your teen each week? (page 54)

10. Do you use the "I noticed ...I felt ...Listen" approach when something unexpected pops-up? (bottom of page 50)

11. When you are undecided about what to say or do in any particular situation, are you asking yourself the following question: "Will this promote the development of self-reliance in my child, or will this inhibit the development of self-reliance?" If it is supportive of self-reliance, say it or do it. If it is not supportive, don't!

12. Is your daughter EARNING ALL of her stuff and freedom? (see "Self-Reliance Cycle" - page 19)

If you answered "no" to any of the above, you are missing some important pieces to the puzzle. Most parents DO miss a few pieces initially -- you can't be expected to remember everything! But don't get frustrated and give up. We must be willing to hang in there for the long haul.

I'm talking about refinement here. Refinement is a necessary tool to use in order to truly be successful with these parenting strategies.

HERE IS THE GOOD NEWS: Parents who refine are, on average, 95% - 100% successful at getting the parent-child difficulties reduced in intensity and severity (i.e., the problems are easily managed).

The same can be true in your case. Keep up the good work. Please continue to refine by emailing me again. Refinement is a process, not a one-time event.

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com
By

Guide for Teachers

Mark,

Would you have any information for teachers and how they can deal with out of control students?

Thanks in advance,

Ms. Margy

````````````````````````````````````````

Hi Ms. Margy,

Yes. Here’s a “Guide for Teachers”:

Guide for Teachers--

I. Brief Overview

A. Present main points from:
Behavior Problems: What's a School to Do? - Excerpted from Addressing Barriers to Learning Newlsetter.

1. Refer to the outline entitled Intervention Focus in Dealing with Misbehavior for a concise description of strategies for managing misbehavior before, during and after its occurrence.

2. Utilize the Logical Consequences section to discuss the nature and rationale for implementing consequences, as well as a review of appropriate guidelines for using discipline in the classroom.

B. Labeling Troubled and Troubling Youth: The Name Game - Excerpted from Addressing Barriers to Learning Newlsetter, Vol. 1(3), Summer 1996.

§ Refer to this document to provide a theoretical framework for understanding, identifying and diagnosing various behavioral, emotional and learning problems. This framework accounts for both individual and environmental contributions to problem behavior.

II. Fact Sheets

A. The Broad Continuum of Conduct and Behavioral Problems - Excerpted from The Classification of Child and Adolescent Mental Diagnoses in Primary Care, American Academy of Pediatrics (1996). Excerpted from a Center Guidebook entitled: Common Psychosocial Problems of School Aged Youth, pp. III B-5 (1999) and a Center Introductory Packet entitled: conduct and Behavior Problems: Intervention and Resources for School Aged Youth (1999).

0. This document serves as an additional resource for understanding and identifying variations in the nature and severity of behavior problems.

1. This document should be referenced for additional information on variations in the manifestation of specific problem behaviors at different stages of development (infancy through adolescence).

B. Conduct Disorder in Children and Adolescents - Center for Mental Health Services Fact Sheet ( http://mentalhealth.samhsa.gov/publications/allpubs/CA-0010/default.asp).

0. Note the section titled What Are the Signs of Conduct Disorder, which lists the symptoms of Conduct Disorder. These signal more severe problems that must be addressed.

1. Because families may look to teachers or school counselors for help and/or referrals for their child, it is important to know what resources exist. The section What Help Is Available for Families? may be helpful in generating ideas about referral interventions.

C. Fact Sheet: Oppositional Defiant Disorder - Excerpted from a Center Introductory Packet entitled: Conduct and Behavior Problems in School Aged Youth, pp. 113 (1999). As adapted from an Ask NOAH About: Mental Health Fact Sheet: Oppositional Defiant Disorder, The New York Hospital / Cornell Medical Center. ( http://www.noah-health.org/english/illness/mentalhealth/cornell/conditions/odd.html).

0. Note the section titled Symptoms, which covers symptoms of Oppositional Defiant Disorder.

1. Ideas for interventions might be found in the section titled Treatment, and families can be encouraged to use the principles listed under Self-Management.

D. Children and Adolescents with Attention-Deficit / Hyperactivity Disorder Center for Mental Health Services Fact Sheet ( http://mentalhealth.samhsa.gov/publications/allpubs/CA-0008/default.asp).

0. Note the section titled What Are the Signs of Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder, which lists the symptoms of ADHD.

1. Again, the section What Help Is Available for Families? may be helpful in generating ideas about referral interventions.

III. Tools/Handouts

A. What is a Behavioral Initiative? - Excerpted from a Technical Assistance Sampler entitled: Behavioral Initiatives in Broad Perspective, Center for Mental Health in Schools (1998).

§ A brief overview of what a "behavioral initiative" is and why taking a proactive approach to behavior management is necessary under the reauthorization of the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act (IDEA).

B. School-Wide Behavioral Management Systems - Excerpted from an ERIC Digest by Mary K. Fitzsimmons.

0. Note that one of the main points of the article is that effective behavioral management requires a system that will "provide opportunities for all children to learn self-discipline." Thus, the focus is not on discipline strategies.

1. Reinforce the points made by Tim Lewis of the University of Missouri (at the bottom of page 1). Objectives need to be realistic, need-based, and accompanied by multiple levels of support.

2. The section titled Common Features of School-Wide Behavioral Management Systems can be used to generate discussion about encouraging commitment to a school-wide program incorporating a code of conduct and social/emotional skills instruction.

C. Student's Perspectives / Addressing Underlying Motivation to Change - Excerpted from a Guidebook entitled: What Schools Can Do to Welcome and Meet the Needs of All Students, Unit VI, pp 16-17 and Unit VII, pp. 23-28. Center for Mental Health in Schools (1997).

0. This resource addresses the question "why?" in the discussion of students' problem behaviors. It also provides a list of assessment questions to guide understanding of the problem when it occurs.

1. An assessment tool is provided as a guide in the assessment of problems from the student's point of view. This tool comes in one form for young children, and another form for all other children and youth.

IV. Model Programs

A. Social Skills Training (Examples): - Excerpted from a Technical Assistance Sampler entitled: A Sampling of Outcome Findings from Interventions Relevant to Addressing Barriers to Learning, Center for Mental Health in Schools.

B. Violence Prevention and School Safety - Excerpted from a Technical Assistance Sampler entitled: A Sampling of Outcome Findings from Interventions Relevant to Addressing Barriers to Learning, Center for Mental Health in Schools.

C. Excerpts from: Building on the Best, Learning What Works: A Few Promising Discipline and Violence Prevention Programs - Excerpted from American Federation of Teachers (2000). ( http://www.aft.org/pubs-reports/downloads/teachers/wwdiscipline.pdf)

V. Additional Resources

o QuickFinds related to Behavior Problems at School:

0. Anger Management

1. Bullying

2. Classroom Management

3. Conduct Disorders & Behavior Problems

4. Oppositional Defiant Disorder

5. Safe Schools and Violence Prevention

VI. Originals for Overheads

The following can be copied to overhead transparencies to assist in presenting this material.

o Behavior Problems: What's a School to Do?

o Labeling Troubled and Troubling Youth: The Name Game

o Addressing the Full Range of Problems

o Interconnected Systems for Meeting the Needs of All Students

Online Parent Support

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