Oppositional Defiant Husband

What you have described is the behavior of my husband who is 45 yrs old. We have been married 25 years. He does the opposite of what he is asked -- not just by me -- but his associates. Can this information help me deal in a better way with him, especially his temper and denial of any mistakes on his part. No counseling has never worked. Counselors in his mind are idiots.

Thanks,

J.

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Hi J.,

Great question. And the surprising answer is "Yes ...it will help with an oppositional, defiant spouse."

A significant number of mother's who join Online Parent Support state that they feel as though they are raising two children -- their child and their husband. The really cool (and unforeseen) benefit to this program is that the material will work on anyone (e.g., child, spouse, coworker, parent, etc.). Most people don't believe me when I say this, because it all "sounds too good to be true" -- and the old adage is "if it sounds too good to be true, then it probably is."

This is where I put my money where my mouth is. If it doesn't work -- email me and I'll give you a refund.

Do I have magic bullets? No. I just have a lot of experience in dealing with the oppositional, defiant personality.

Dealing with difficult people is really confusing and often troubling (unless you know how they think and what motivates them).

Mark

My Out-of-Control Husband

Parenting Oppositional Teens

As much as a teen’s peer group has its influence over her actions, you are also a prime role model for her behavior. And the values or ideals you hold dear most likely may be passed on to your youngster.

Don’t be a hypocrite. In order to keep your household lie-free, of course don’t get caught lying yourself! Adolescents cannot look up to someone who’s telling them one thing while doing another. As much as possible, live by what you preach.

Use humor when you can. When discussing sensitive topics with your teen, such as sex or drug abuse, one can always look towards humor as a great tool in softening things up. If you crack a joke as an icebreaker to begin a topic about sex education, then once you are both laughing it’ll be easier to ease into the topic’s details.

Humor can also make you both feel instantly more comfortable with one another. It’s a great way to alleviate any stress! This is just one helpful hint that may clear up the communication line between you and your adolescent.

What exactly is active parenting?

An active mother or father:

• would not wait for a teen to ask for help, but offer it
• is not too busy with work to ask an adolescent how his/her day went after school
• asks a question and takes the time to really listen to the answer

A point which can contribute to your adolescent’s misbehavior is your own underestimation of him. If you do not keep yourself fully aware of your teen’s full capabilities and the different possibilities that he may turn to when looking for a way around a given penalty, then you’re digging a hole for yourself to fall into. You mustn’t underestimate your adolescent.

When faced with a penalty, your oppositional adolescent will try and look for a way out. It may help to even think of back-up penalties to use in place of set ones in order to keep yourself a step ahead of your teen in the case of him trying to avoid original penalties. It’s never a waste to ask yourself, What if? By thinking things through beforehand, you can lessen the chances of your teen thinking them through ahead of you.

For a complete program on how to deal with oppositional teens, go to MyOutOfControlTeen.com.

How to Prepare Teachers for Your Child with Oppositional Defiant Disorder

"My son has Oppositional Defiant Disorder and ADHD. Should I give his teacher (and tutor) some strategies to deal with him in the classroom (starts on Mon.)? If so, what can I tell her?"

Yes, definitely give the teacher some ideas to deal with your son effectively. The school can be a great ally in keeping your youngster with Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) safe and successful in the classroom, but you will need to make sure that the teachers have all the knowledge they need to help.

Use the suggestions below to create an information sheet to bring teachers “up to speed.”

23 Things Your ODD Child’s Teachers Should Know -- Information Sheet:

1. Allow sharp demarcation to occur between academic periods, but hold transition times between periods to a minimum.
2. Allow my child to redo assignments to improve his score or final grade.
3. Ask me, his mother, what works at home.
4. Avoid “infantile” materials to teach basic skills. Materials should be positive and relevant to my child’s life.
5. Avoid making comments or bringing up situations that may be a source of argument for my child.
6. Call me with questions or concerns as often as needed.
7. Choose your battles carefully with my child. Selecting a couple of areas to focus on will work better than fighting over each and every behavioral issue.
8. Clear, simply stated rules work better for my child than abstract rules and expectations.
9. Give 2 choices when decisions are needed. State them briefly and clearly.
10. If there will be any sort of change in my child's classroom or routine, please notify me as far in advance as possible so that we can all work together in preparing her for it.
11. Make sure academic work is at the appropriate level. When work is too hard, my child becomes frustrated. When it is too easy, he becomes bored. Both reactions lead to problems in the classroom.
12. Use of individualized instruction, cues, prompting, the breaking down of academic tasks, debriefing, coaching, and providing positive incentives.
13. Minimize downtime and plan transitions carefully. My ODD child does best when kept busy.
14. My child has significant challenges, but he also has many strengths and gifts. Please use these to help him have experiences of success.
15. Pace instruction. When my child has completed a designated amount of a non-preferred activity, reinforce his cooperation by allowing him to do something he prefers or find more enjoyable or less difficult.
16. Please keep the lines of communication open between our home and the school. My child needs all the adults in her life working together.
17. Post the daily schedule my child knows what to expect.
18. Praise my child when he responds positively.
19. Provide consistency, structure, and clear consequences for my child‘s behavior.
20. Remember that children with ODD tend to create power struggles. Try to avoid these verbal exchanges. State your position clearly and concisely.
21. Select material that encourages student interaction. My ODD child needs to learn to talk to his peers and to adults in an appropriate manner. However, all cooperative learning activities must be carefully structured.
22. Structure activities so my child is not always left out or is the last one picked.
23. Systematically teach social skills, including anger management, conflict resolution strategies, and how to be assertive in an appropriate manner. Discuss strategies that my child can use to calm himself when he is feeling his anger escalating. Do this when he is calm.

Information sheet tips:

• In your note, focus on the ways that using strategies appropriate to your youngster's special needs will make things easier for the teacher, rather than insisting on rights and obligations.
• Keep your tone friendly, helpful and no-nonsense. You are writing as an expert on your child and his diagnosis, not as a pushy, demanding parent.
• Make a copy of all correspondence for your records. Using a datebook or a contact log, jot down when and what you sent to teachers, and what follow-up you made.
• Remember, the start of school is a hectic time for the teacher. Even with the best intentions, he/she may not want to spend his/her free time reading tons of material. If you can put together an information sheet (like the one above) that looks manageable, you will stand a much better chance that the teacher will actually follow the instructions listed.

==> My Out-of-Control Child: Help for Parents with ODD Children

Bad Attitude – or Oppositional Defiant Disorder?

Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) is defined by therapists as a cluster of behaviors that include many or all of the following characteristics:

1. Accusatory
2. Aggressive
3. Angry
4. Argumentative
5. Bad temper
6. Blaming
7. Defiant
8. Foul-mouthed
9. Hostile
10. Low frustration level
11. Negative
12. Oppositional
13. Pessimistic
14. Resentful
15. Spiteful
16. Unreasonable

How can a mother or father know if a teen is simply dealing with the pains of becoming an adult or has a significant conduct problem that will require therapeutic intervention? If this pattern of behavior is becoming the typical emotional state of your adolescent, he or she might have ODD. ODD can disturb home and family life, other relationships, and school efficiency.

This is often a particularly frustrating disorder, since your teen usually believes he or she has just cause to be so indignant. The youngster may fault moms and dads, friends, educators, or other authority figures for the behavior, declaring others are unreasonable, bothersome, or just plain wrong.

Signs of ODD often appear throughout pre-adolescence, around ages 7 to 13. Initially you might observe that although your youngster has become aggressive and unmanageable in your home, they don't present these exact same behaviors to the public or outside world. This can cause moms and dads to become confused, possibly making them feel guilt, because they "must have done something" to cause the hostility. Over time, however, the youngster's behavior will also deteriorate in school, and teachers may begin to complain about your youngster's attitude in class. A typical student in this stage of ODD will be disruptive in class, disrespectful of teachers and other authority figures, aggressive toward peers, and generally act like a malcontent.

Behavior modification, along with other therapeutic interventions, is the perfect solution for an adolescent with ODD. Disregarding this severe set of signs and symptoms will allow your youngster's behavior to continue to deteriorate and hinder his or her social behavior, school performance, and ability to be responsible for his or her life as an adult.

If signs have grown to be more extreme and include physical acts of violence towards property or other folks, or if your youngster has begun to commit criminal acts like stealing, he or she might be struggling with a far more severe Conduct Disorder.

What Can Parents Do?

The main parenting-tool that actually works for ODD children is consequences. You heard right …you put down boundaries for your children and then follow up with consequences when the limit is broken.

“But consequences don't work,” you say. “My kids just don't seem to care.”

Well, perhaps your consequences are ineffective consequences. Perhaps the result of breaking a boundary is actually only a punishment. And punishments do not work. Punishments trigger resentment within the youngster and do nothing at all to alter behavior.

Ask yourself, “Am I just punishing my ODD teen?” It's easy to understand the difference. A consequence must have a learning portion to it. It must be connected to the offence that your child did wrong.

For instance, if your child loses your cell phone, don't make his nightly curfew earlier. There is no link between the cell phone and his curfew and this would be a punishment. A correct consequence would be restricted use of the cell phone in the future, or even that he work to help you pay for a replacement cell phone.

Alternatively, maybe your consequences work well, but your child still does not appear to care. Perhaps your consequence to spend an hour in his room is ineffective because he has a book to read for school and had already planned to spend time in his room. Or maybe losing his driving privileges is ineffective because he plans to be away for the weekend.

You must know that a consequence that works once may not be successful another time. Learn how to assess your child's reactions and alter consequences accordingly.

Once again, your child may not appear to care because he has learned to manage his reactions. So while his outer facade displays indifference, he does indeed worry about his consequence. Don't be misled by his uncaring attitude. If this is the case he will most likely overreact to minor consequences to cause you to feel he is properly being corrected.

Become familiar with your son/daughter and know what makes him/her tick. Having the right consequence is paramount to altering his conduct.

Consequence may be difficult. I have worked with many mothers and fathers fine-tuning my parenting techniques and figuring out what works and what does not. I've created a series of videos that show you the most common mistakes made by parents. Don't get caught in this same trap. It may mean the difference between respectful kids and kids who rule your family.

==> Help for Parents with ODD Children and Teens

Teaching Students with Oppositional Defiant Disorder [ODD]

Teaching students with Oppositional Defiant Disorder [ODD] will be -- let me repeat that -- WILL BE the most challenging aspect of your teaching career. However, if you have a few special tools in your teaching toolbox, getting through to the ODD child can be simplified, saving you from (a) headaches in the short run and (b) total "burn-out" in the long run.

Tips for teaching students with Oppositional Defiant Disorder [ODD]:

1. Address concerns privately. This will help to avoid power struggles as well as an audience for a potential power struggle.

2. Allow the ODD child to redo assignments to improve his/her score or final grade.

3. Always listen to the ODD child. Let him/her talk. Don't interrupt until he/she finishes.

4. Ask parents what works at home.

5. Avoid all power struggles with the ODD child. They will get you nowhere. Thus, try to avoid verbal exchanges. State your position clearly and concisely and choose your battles wisely.

6. Avoid making comments or bringing up situations that may be a source of argument for the ODD child.

7. Choose your battles carefully. Selecting a couple of areas to focus on will work better than fighting every behavior problem.

8. Decide which behaviors you are going to ignore. Most kids with ODD are doing too many things you dislike to include all of them in a behavior management plan. Thus, target only a few important behaviors, rather than trying to fix everything.

9. Do not take the defiance personally. Remember, you are the outlet and not the cause for the defiance- unless you are shouting, arguing or attempting to handle the child with sarcasm.

10. Establish a rapport with the ODD youngster. If this youngster perceives you as reasonable and fair, you'll be able to work more effectively with him or her.

11. Establish clear classroom rules. Be clear about what is nonnegotiable.

12. Give the ODD child some classroom responsibilities. This will help him/her to feel a part of the class and some sense of controlled power. If he/she abuses the situation, the classroom responsibilities can be earned privileges.

13. If there will be any sort of change in the ODD youngster's classroom or routine, notify the parents as far in advance as possible so that they can work with you in preparing their youngster for the change.

14. If you react too emotionally, you may make big mistakes in dealing with the ODD youngster. Plan in advance what to do when this child engages in certain behaviors and be prepared to follow through calmly.

15. In the private conference be caring but honest. Tell the ODD child calmly what it is that is causing problems as far as you are concerned. Be sure you listen as well. In this process, insist upon one rule- that you both be respectful.

16. Keep the lines of communication open between home and the school. The ODD youngster needs all the adults in his/her life working together.

17. Make sure academic work is at the appropriate level. When work is too hard, children become frustrated. When it is too easy, they become bored. Both reactions lead to problems in the classroom.

18. Make this child a part of any plan to change behavior. If you don't, you'll become the enemy.

19. Minimize downtime and plan transitions carefully. Children with ODD do best when kept busy.

20. Never raise your voice or argue with this child. Regardless of the situation do not get into a "yes you will" contest. Silence is a better response.

21. Pace instruction. When the child with ODD completes a designated amount of a non-preferred activity, reinforce his/her cooperation by allowing him/her to do something they prefer or find more enjoyable or less difficult.

22. Post the daily schedule so the ODD child will know what to expect.

23. Praise children when they respond positively.

24. Provide consistency, structure, and clear consequences for the child’s behavior.

25. Select materials that encourage child interaction. Children with ODD need to learn to talk to their peers and to adults in an appropriate manner. All cooperative learning activities must be carefully structured, however.

26. Structure activities so the child with ODD is not always left out or is the last person picked.

27. Systematically teach social skills, including anger management, conflict resolution and how to be assertive in an appropriate manner. Discuss strategies that the child may use to calm him/ or herself down when they feel their anger escalating. Do this when the child is calm.

28. The ODD youngster has significant challenges, but he also has many strengths and gifts. Use these to help him have experiences of success.

29. When decisions are needed, give two choices or options. State them briefly and clearly. Children with ODD are more likely to complete or perform tasks that they have chosen. This also empowers them to make other decisions.

30. When you see an ODD youngster getting frustrated or angry, ask if a calming down period would help. But don't force it on him/her. Rather than sending the child down to the office for this cooling down period, it may be better to establish an isolated “calming down” place in the classroom so he/she can more readily re-engaged in classroom activity following the cooling down period.

My Out-of-Control Child: Help for Parents and Teachers Who Deal with ODD Children

ODD/ADHD/Anxiety

Thanks, Mark. Our son is 16. He has ODD, comorbid with ADHD, anxiety, and dsygraphia. He is not abusing drugs, holds a part-time job and plays varsity soccer and JV tennis at his high school. His poor grades are 100% due to opposition to the system, complete lack of organization, difficulty paying attention, and lack of ambition. With his high intelligence, everything and everyone is "stupid" to him. He can out-think and out-smart most people he encounters and gets a thrill out of doing so. He would never tolerate tutoring or any kind of support from us, not even a "checklist" of things to turn in tomorrow. I'm looking for information about what is known about people with a profile such as his as they move into adulthood. Is there any literature or studies on this topic? What does your first-hand experience tell you? I just can't imagine him in a healthly, long-term relationship, but hope that I'm very wrong about that.

We have already looked into alternative schooling a bit, but in his mind, they all mean effort of one sort or another and, to him, effort is pointless. If he's going to do something he doesn't enjoy all day, he may as well be making money, so goes his argument. In any case, I don't plan on spending any time convincing him he should be in school in the fall. But, if he really means it, we'll make sure the rules for staying in our home are clearly spelled out.

In addition to my nagging worry about his long-term prospects, I would welcome suggestions you may have about how other parents move through the grieving process of not having the child they thought they had. And, finally, what is your recommended route for treating his anxiety? I believe that this plays a big part in his defiant behavior, because he is afraid of confronting a whole host of situations. Were he able to do so, his grades would be better, his self-esteem would be better, and we would be less frustrated with him on a regular basis. I'm just not sure how to go about getting treatment for that.... Doesn't that usually start with counseling.... Something we're avoiding at present because we're implementing your program.

Thanks, as always,

C.

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Hi C.,

Re: Is there any literature or studies on this topic?

Yes:

1. Bardone AM, Moffitt TE, et al: (1998) Adult Physical Health Outcomes of Adolescent Girls with Conduct Disorder, Depression, and Anxiety. J Am Acad Child Adolesc Psychiatry 37(6):594-601.
2. Bird Her, et all (1993), Pattterns of Diagnostic comorbidity in a community sample of children aged 9 through 16 years. J Am Acad Child Adolesc Psychiatry 32:361-368.
3. Buitelaar JK (2000) Open-Label treatment with Risperidone of 26 Psychiatrically-Hospitalized Children ad Adolescents with Mixed Diagnoses and Aggressive Behavior. Journal of Child and Aadolescent Psychopharmacology 10 (1) 19-26.
4. Carlson, Caryn et al: Gender differences in children with ADHD, ODD, and Co-occurring ADHD&ODD identified in a School Population. J Am Acad Child Adolesc Psychiatry , 1997, 36(12):1706-1714.
5. Griffiths MD (1998) Dependence on Computer Games by Adolescents - Psychol Rep; 82(2): 475-80
6. Kavousssi RJ, Coccaro EF (1998) Divalproex Sodium for Impulsive Aggressive Behavior in Patients With Personality Disorder J Clin Psychiatry 59:766-680.
7. Kuhne M, et. al Impact of Comorbid Oppositional or Conduct Problems on Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (1997) J Am Acad Child Adolesc Psychiatry 36(12);1715-1725.
8. Rachel G. Klein, PhD; Howard Abikoff, PhD, et. Al. (1997) Clinical Efficacy of Methylphenidate in Conduct Disorder With and Without Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder Arch Gen Psychiatry.;54:1073-1080
9. Riggs PD, Mikulich LM, et. Al. (1997) Fluoxetine in Drug-Dependent Delinquents with Major Depression: An Open trial. Journal of Child and Adolescent Psychopharmacology 7: summer 87-95.
10. Singer MI, Slovak K, et al: (1998) Viewing Preferences, Symptoms of Psychological trauma, and Vioent Behaviors Among Children Who Watch Television. J Am Acad Child Adolesc Psychiatry 37(10): 1041-1048.
11. Harrell JS; Gansky SA; et al: (1997) Leisure Time Activities of Elementary School Children. Nurs Res Sep-Oct; 46(5): 246-53
12. .Wiegman O (1998) -Video Game Playing and its Relations with Aggressive and Prosocial Behaviour. Br J Soc Psychol Sep; 37 ( Pt 3):367-78
13. Behrman: Nelson Textbook of Pediatrics, 17th ed., Copyright © 2004 Elsevier p 663.
14. Croonenberg J, Joerg M et al: Risperidone in Children With Disruptive Behavior Disorders and Subaverage Intelligence: A 1-Year, Open-Label Study of 504 Patients J. Am. Acad. Child Adolese. Psychiatry, 2005;44(1):64-72
15. Disney ER, Elkins IJ, et al: Effects of ADHD, Conduct Disorder, and Gender on Substance use and Abuse in Adolescence. Am J Psychiatry 1999, 156:1515-1521.
16. Findling RL, Kusumakar V, Daneman D, Moshang T, De Smedt G, Binder C (2003), Prolactin levels during long-term risperidone treatment in children and adolescents. J Clin Psychiatry 64:1362–1369.
17. Findling RL, McNamara NK, et al: A Double-Blind Pilot Study of Risperidone in the Tretment of Conduct Disorder. J. Am. Child Adolesc. Psychiatry 2000, 39(4):509-16.
18. Kasen S, Cohen P, et al: Influence of Child and Adolescent Psychiatric Disorders on Young Adult Personality Disorder. Am J Psychiatry 1999, 156: 1529-1535.
19. Kuperman S, Schlosser SS, et al: Relationship of Child Psychopathology to Parental Alcoholism and Antisocial Personality Disorder. J Am Acad Child Adolesc Psychiatry 1999, 38(6):686-692.
20. Lavigne JV, Cicchetti c , et al: Oppositional Defiant Disorder With Onset in Preschool Years: Longitudinal Stability and Pathways to Other Disorders. J. Am. Child Adolesc. Psychiatry 2001, 40(12):1393-1400.
21. Renauld J, Birmaher B, et al: Suicide in Adolescents With Disruptive Disorders. J. Am. Child Adolesc. Psychiatry 1999, 38(7):846-851.
22. SCHUR SB Treatment Recommendations for the Use of Antipsychotics for Aggressive Youth (TRAAY). Part I: A Review J Am Acad Child Adolesc Psychiatry - 2003 Feb; 42(2); 132-144
23. Speltz ML, McClelllan J, et al: Preschool Boys with Oppositional Defiant Disorder: Clinical Presentation and Diagnostic Change. J. Am. Child Adolesc. Psychiatry 1999, 38(7):838-845.
24. Helgeland MI, Kjelsberg E, et al: Continuities Between Emotional and Disruptive Behavior Disorders in Adolescence and Personality Disorders in Adulthood. Am J Psychiatry 2005; 162: 1941-1947.
25. Johnson JG, First MB, et al: Adverse Outcomes Associated with Personality Disorder Not Otherwise Specified in a Community Sample. Am J Psychaitry 2005; 162:1926-1932.
26. Paris J: Personality Disorders over time: Precursors, Course and Outcome. Journal of Personality Disorders, 17(6), 479-488, 2003.
27. Reyes M: A randomized, double-blind, placebo-controlled study of risperidone maintenance treatment in children and adolescents with disruptive behavior disorders. Am J Psychiatry - 01-MAR-2006; 163(3): 402-10
28. Steiner H Divalproex sodium for the treatment of conduct disorder: a randomized controlled clinical trial. J Clin Psychiatry - 01-OCT-2003; 64(10): 1183-91
29. Wakschlag LS Is prenatal smoking associated with a developmental pattern of conduct problems in young boys? J Am Acad Child Adolesc Psychiatry - 01-APR-2006; 45(4): 461-7

Re: What does your first-hand experience tell you?

The long-term outcome for ADHD/ODD teens can be that they develop a Personality Disorder, which is one of the "labels" psychiatry uses to describe people who have traits in their personality that cause them major problems. These are not things that come and go but last for decades. A person's personality starts to form as a teenager, and that is when we see personality disorders start to form. We have all met people with these types of problems. They fit into a few big categories that have lots of different names.

One group is people who are strange, different, and keep to themselves. This is called cluster A. Another group is people who are dramatic, have lots of mood problems, are forever getting into trouble, and whose lives are quite mixed up. This is called cluster B. They are often very difficult to get along with over the long run. Another group are people who are withdrawn, scared, and have to do things a certain way. This is called cluster C. When any of these problems screw up people's relationships, ability to work, get them in trouble with the law, or make them miserable, we call it a personality disorder.

Recent studies have shown that children who have certain psychiatric problems are much more likely to get personality disorders as adults. Children who have multiple psychiatric problems are even more at risk. Children who have ODD are about four times more likely to have a personality disorder when they grow up, that is about a 15% chance. If they already have some signs of personality disorder as a young teenager, they are 25 times as likely to have a personality disorder as adults. What this tells us is that the longer these problems go on in childhood and as teenagers, the more likely they are to lead to personality disorders as adults.

There are two types of Personality Disorder in Cluster B, which are especially associated with ODD/CD. These are Borderline Personality Disorder and Antisocial Personality Disorder.

Borderline Personality Disorder is called this because patients have many traits from different psychiatric disorders. They have very unstable moods, like bipolar disorder. They often have strange experiences, like people with schizophrenia. Their relationships with others are usually quite unstable. They often don't have much of a sense of who they really are or where they are going. They often cut themselves. Most of the people with this problem are female. If you have ODD/CD and are female, you have approximately a 15% chance of getting this.

Antisocial Personality Disorder is basically a continuation of Conduct Disorder. People with this problem continue to not respect the rights of others or their property. They continue to get in fights or worse. They often are stealing or cheating. Usually they are involved with the law. They have extremely high rates of substance abuse and high rates of suicide and other unnatural causes of death. This is primarily a male diagnosis. Almost 20% of teenagers with ODD/CD with have Antisocial Personality Disorder as a result.

If you have a personality disorder as a teenager, by the time you are a young adult, here are the chances that these bad things will happen to you:

1. Difficulties with interpersonal Relationships 20-30%
2. Ending up with other Psychiatric problems 35-40%
3. Having at least one of the above bad outcomes 70-80%
4. Having at least two of the above bad outcomes 50%
5. Make a suicide attempt- 6-10%
6. Not get as far in school as you should have been able to 25%
7. Serious assault on another 25-35%

Some personality disorders are much more likely to improve over time. After 15-25 years, only about 10% of adults who had Borderline Personality Disorder continue to have it. That means 90% got over it. Antisocial Personality disorder tends to improve, too. However, about 25% of people with Antisocial Personality Disorder die prematurely. Of those that do not die, most are better, but few have recovered completely.

Re: I would welcome suggestions you may have about how other parents move through the grieving process of not having the child they thought they had.

This is covered in the eBook (Session #1 – online version).

Re: …what is your recommended route for treating his anxiety?

Parents can help their teen in these ways:

• Continue to provide structure, stability, and predictability. Within reason, stick to the same rules, boundaries, roles, and routines.
• Encourage your teen to participate in activities normally enjoyed. Support involvement in positive and pro-social activities (e.g., sports, volunteer work, church).
• Encourage your teen to talk about what he or she is going through, and be willing to listen. Don't just jump to conclusions and give advice. Depending on the situation, your teen may not want advice -- just to be understood. Even if a problem seems small to you, it may be a major concern for your child. Minimizing a problem or saying "you'll get over it" is not helpful. It gives the message you don't understand or are not willing to listen.
• Model effective stress management and coping skills.
• Offer reassurance, encouragement, and support. Be willing to provide verbal or physical comfort, but don't be discouraged if your teen rejects your effort or is irritable. These are normal reactions to stress. Be patient and let your child know you're available if he or she needs you.

Teens can decrease stress with the following behaviors and techniques:

• Avoid excess caffeine intake, which can increase feelings of anxiety and agitation.
• Build a network of friends who help you cope in a positive way.
• Decrease negative self-talk. Challenge negative thoughts about yourself with alternative neutral or positive thoughts. "My life will never get better" can be transformed into "I may feel hopeless now, but my life will probably get better if I work at it and get some help."
• Develop assertiveness training skills. For example, state feelings in polite, firm, and not overly aggressive or passive ways ("I feel angry when you yell at me" "Please stop yelling").
• Don't use illegal drugs, alcohol and tobacco.
• Exercise and eat regularly.
• Learn practical and effective coping skills. For example, break a large task into smaller, more attainable tasks.
• Learn relaxation exercises (abdominal breathing and muscle relaxation techniques).
• Learn to feel good about doing a competent job rather than demanding perfection from yourself and others.
• Rehearse and practice situations, which cause stress. One example is taking a speech class, if talking in front of a class makes you anxious.
• Take a break from stressful situations. Activities like listening to music, talking to a friend, drawing, writing, or spending time with a pet can reduce stress.

Mark

Coping with Strong-Willed, Out-of-Control Teens: Self-Preservation Skills for Parents

Is your teenager acting-out in difficult ways? Are you at your wit's end?!

Parenting strong-willed, out-of-control adolescents is tough work. It takes creativity, determination, and patience! It's an extremely difficult phase to go through, but you’re not alone. For too many moms and dads, major conflict is an everyday occurrence.

When this is the case, the teen usually has a diagnosis of Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD), or at the very least exhibits many ODD traits. Parents can either choose to continue "business as usual" (which will only enrage and distance their teen further), or they can learn how to deal constructively with strong-willed behavior. Here’s how…

How to cope with strong-willed, out-of-control teens:

1. Often times, your best resource is silence (it really is golden in cases such as this). Strong-willed teens do not listen to reason. They can't (and even if they could, they wouldn't). When your teen tries to push your buttons – shut your mouth and go about your business.

2. Avoid picking up strong-willed traits. If you aren't careful, you could find yourself adopting much of your out-of-control teen’s behavior, even if you aren't voluntarily trying.

3. Detach from the situation as much as possible. Staying calm in the heat of the moment is paramount to your personal preservation. Spitting angry words and reacting with extreme emotions (screaming, crying, etc.) will only influence your teen to be even more stubborn and defiant.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

4. Don’t “call out” your stubborn teen. Bluntly stating the problem will not improve your relationship with him or her. Instead of reaching a reconciliation, your teen will likely just become more oppositional. Recognize that you can't handle this like you would any other personal conflict – it's a unique circumstance.

5. For the parent who has another adult in the house (e.g., spouse, partner, other family member), avoid getting cornered. When possible, avoid one-on-one arguments with your strong-willed teen. In other words, when he is pissed and you see him coming to corner you, demand that another adult (or adults) be brought in. This will sometimes thwart your teen’s plans to berate you. Bullies rarely stand up to a crowd.

6. When tempers flare, forget about trying to engage your strong-willed teen in any kind of reasonable conversation. It will never happen, at least not with you. Remember what happened in the course of the last 100 times you tried to have a civilized discussion about the status of your relationship with your teen. Chances are, every such attempt ended in you being blamed for everything. Decide now to quit banging your head against a brick wall.

7. Always remember that anything you say or do while angry will be used against you – over and over again. Strong-willed teens tend to have amazing memories, and they will not hesitate to use a nearly endless laundry list of complaints from the past against you. A year from now, you could be hearing about the angry response you had today. Strong-willed, out-of-control teens will seize anything that provides them the opportunity to lay blame like it was gold.

8. If your teen’s verbal attacks have little basis in raw fact, try to simply dismiss them. You can't possibly be as bad as she would like you to believe you are. However, don’t defend yourself out loud. It will only provoke her into another outburst and increase her manipulative behavior.

9. If your teenager is getting on your last nerve, take a time-out. Remember, he just wants to get a rise out of you. So show your teen that he has no effect. Count to 10 silently if you need to, and then state your views with confidence. Look your teen in the eye. If he is still being unreasonable and stubborn, then just ignore him. He will eventually back down when he notices that his attempts at “button-pushing” are failing.

10. Sometimes the healthiest way to deal with a strong-willed teen is to remove her from your environment. Do not torture yourself by exposing yourself to verbal abuse. Simply leave the room. Remember that you can’t "fix" this teenager. Remove yourself from the situation and treat it with indifference when possible.

11. Prepare for the fact that your teen will probably blame YOU for being “strong-willed.” You are going to be accused of much – or all – of this behavior yourself. If your teen gets a look at this article, to him it will look like an article about you. Prepare yourself for the fact that your teen’s flaws and failings will always be attributed to you.

12. Prepare to set some serious boundaries. Understand that eventually, you may have to create a separation between yourself and your strong-willed teen. Maintaining a relationship with a chronically abusive teenager is, literally, impossible. When enough is enough, he may just have to go live with his dad, or get a job and find an apartment (if he is older).

13. Protect your self-esteem. If you have regular dealings with a teenager who tries to portray you as the source of all evil, you need to take active steps to maintain a positive self-esteem. Focus on the people who validate you. Also, realize that your strong-willed teen is hurting you on purpose to improve her own self-esteem.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

14. Recognize that you will never convince your strong-willed teen that he has any responsibility for the parent-child conflict between the two of you. He doesn’t recognize (or if he did, wouldn't try to improve) his flaws for a very logical reason: He doesn't have any flaws (in his mind)! Understand and manage this mindset without casting blame and without giving in to anger. It's far easier said than done, and you will slip from time to time. But as time goes on, you'll get better at coping with this teen’s behavioral issues.

15. Avoid getting defensive. Understand that you can’t “beat” a strong-willed, out-of-control teenager. She is called “strong-willed” for a reason. In her mind, you are the source of all wrongdoing, and nothing you can do or say is going to make her consider your side of the story. Your opinion is of no consequence, because you are already guilty – no matter what!

16. Understand that it's not you – it's your teen. If you accept responsibility for your own faults and resolve to improve yourself, it's probably not you. This mindset can be surprisingly difficult, considering that the strong-willed teen has complete mastery of shifting the blame. Remember, strong-willed teens "can do no wrong." Chances are, the more often your teen blames you, the more he himself is actually at fault. However, keep in mind that this should NOT to be used as a way to blame your teen. Blaming is what strong-willed teens do – and they do it well. Instead, you are only facing the facts (for your own sake).

Raising strong-willed, out-of-control teens is tricky business. It’s important for them to have enough freedom to make their own mistakes, but they still need plenty of guidance to help them learn from those mistakes. Provide your oppositional teen with clear and consistent boundaries that will focus on teaching peace and levelheadedness – not resentment and retaliation. Lead by example!

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Self-Control Strategies for Severely Aggressive Children

Severe aggression can a problem for kids with both normal development, and those with psychosocial disturbances. There is no single theory about the causes of severe aggressive behavior in children. Some theorists believe it is innate or instinctive, others suggest the breakdown in commonly shared values, changes in traditional family patterns of child-rearing, and social isolation lead to severe aggression.

Aggressive behavior may be intentional or unintentional. Many hyperactive, clumsy kids are accidentally aggressive, but their intentions are compassionate. Kids in all age groups learn that aggressive behavior is a powerful way to communicate their wishes or deal with their likes and dislikes. In any event, here are some ideas on how parents can teach their aggressive children to exercise more self-control:

1. As the parent, don’t react aggressively to your child’s aggression. It’s easy to become outraged at an abusive, violent youngster – especially an older one who probably should know better. But be careful how you express your feelings, because your youngster is always watching and learning from you. Yelling at or grabbing an already angry, destructive youngster only makes a bad problem worse. If you expect your boy or girl to act responsibly and calmly, be sure to do so yourself. Kids do not form intent the same way grown-ups do, and often have little desire to hurt or upset the parent. They merely need to express themselves and have not yet learned to do so in a socially acceptable manner.

2. Keep track of what triggers aggressive behavior in your youngster. Most kids act out in chaotic environments and unstructured situations. Ask your child what causes her to get frustrated and lose control. Consider how you can provide additional support or stability.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Child: Help for Parents with Oppositional Defiant Children

3. Know your youngster’s temperament. Everyone is born with a unique temperament or personality. For example, some grown-ups tend to be more reserved or timid, while others are always outgoing and spontaneous. Similarly, some kids tend to be more outwardly assertive and aggressive, and others less so. Knowing your youngster's personality allows you the advantage of foresight. For example, if he does not do well with unexpected occurrences, try to keep his day “routine.” Use the insight.

4. Teach your child to “belly breathe” to calm down. A few structured minutes alone may be all he needs. Show him how to take slow, deep breaths from his stomach to feel better and gain control. When both of you are in control, talk about what happened, addressing any misbehaviors in a firm, but loving way.

5. Model self-control yourself. Kids study adult actions and reactions, and one day, they will become a lot like their parents! Reacting calmly and avoiding your own explosive outbursts (e.g., while driving in busy traffic) is the best way to teach your child how to cope with her own "end of the world" conflicts.

6. Reward non-aggressive behaviors. When you notice your youngster behaving in an appropriate and non-aggressive manner, notice and commend his behavior. Tell him how proud you are. Also say something such as, “You must be proud of yourself.” Kids need to know their moms and dads are proud of them. They also need to develop an internal sense of pride in themselves.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

7. Reflect on your youngster's progress in a fun way. You could have a weekly pizza party with your child to talk about the stressful situations he encountered during the week, discussing the level of control he demonstrated – and why. This works especially well with older kids who are able to process things on a more adult level. Consider rewarding your child with a parent-child outing when you see a lessening of aggressive behavior. A “back porch talk” or “nature walk” could be a great way to open up a conversation with your child.

8. Practice assertiveness. If you've never spent time teaching your child to be assertive, you'll need to give her the exact words she might use when she’s upset and about to “act out” (e.g., “Mom, I’m feeling really frustrated with you right now!”). If she's older and you've been working with her, you can simply say, “What’s your assertive statement” whenever she’s upset. Due to your previous instruction and practice with her, she'll eventually be able to do it on her own. It may take a few tries until she gets the tone to match the words, but when you help her to redirect her drive rather than try to suppress it, you’ll be making some real progress.

9. Offer choices to defuse situations. For example, if your child is angry about having to go to bed, give her the option of either reading a book or listening to music for 15 minutes before “lights out.” By involving her in making decisions related to bedtime, you are holding your ground, but also allowing her to do something she prefers.

10. Role-play alternatives to aggression. Aggressive kids may benefit from opportunities to role play or consider alternatives to aggressive reactions. When your child behaves aggressively, help him to talk the problem through. Encourage him to consider alternative solutions and to engage in these the next time this occurs. Sometimes it helps to ask kids, especially younger ones, to draw alternative solutions to the conflicts they face.

11. Draft a behavioral contract. Let your youngster know exactly what behavior is expected and what behavior is not. Work with her to set goals for improved behavior. Write a contract based on these goals. Develop a chart to track your youngster’s behavior on a daily basis. Include consequences for misbehavior as well as rewards for good behavior.

12. Avoid reinforcing aggressive behavior. Moms and dads may inadvertently reinforce aggressive behavior through attention. Nagging or punishing kids for acting aggressively can reinforce aggressive behavior. Some kids feel that any attention is better than no attention. Consequently, negative attention can reinforce aggressive behavior. Simply give a warning that there will be a consequence for the aggressive behavior. If the child continues the aggression, simply follow through with the consequence. No lectures, no threats, just follow through.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Child: Help for Parents with Oppositional Defiant Children

13. Set clear, easy-to-follow play rules with your child. Talk to him about how to handle disagreements with other kids, and how to express his feelings using words and not hands. And as mentioned before, praise him for even the smallest displays of self-control, (e.g., waiting patiently for a turn to use a toy).

14. Teach the “bullying” concept. When your youngster steps over the line by using abusive behavior or words that are offensive to you, call him on it. You can tell him, “Stop. That's called bullying.” Most children know what a bully is. It creates for them a mental image of a bigger child pushing around a smaller one. The term helps them recognize what they are doing to others. After you say, “Stop. That's bullying” …also add, “I think you have something important to say, but when you bully me, I stop listening. You can say it in a way that helps me listen to you.” Then immediately think to yourself and try to get answers to the following questions: Did he think I wasn't listening to him? Does he need some power? Does he need a choice? Is he frustrated? What's the emotion that's fueling this behavior? Once you've identified what’s going on underneath the aggression, you can help your child think of a way to express that emotion or desire in a way that is more respectful.

15. Lastly, be patient with your child as he experiments with his new self-control strategies. It will take some time to replace old behavior with new, more respectful behavior.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Child: Help for Parents with Oppositional Defiant Children

Why Your Teen Is So Ungrateful

"My daughter doesn't appreciate anything I do for her!"  Have you ever said something like that?  If so, you may need a wake-up call...

Over-indulged teenagers are not born, they are created.  Moms and dads create teenagers that are over-indulged by giving them an over-abundance of what they want, but don’t need. However, it’s not always the material things that lead to over-indulgence.  It may be a permissive parental approach in which the youngster is allowed to read things that are not age-appropriate.  It might also be over-permissive and over-protective parenting of the youngster (e.g., doing everything for the teen in a protective manner). 

Overindulging is:

• a form of child neglect; it hinders teenagers from performing their needed developmental tasks, and from learning necessary life lessons
• doing or having so much of something that it does active harm, or at least prevents a youngster from developing and deprives that youngster of achieving his or her full potential
• giving a disproportionate amount of family resources to one or more children in a way that appears to meet the teenager's needs but does not, so they experience scarcity in the midst of plenty 
• giving teenagers things or experiences that are not appropriate for their age or their interests and talents
• giving teenagers too much of what looks good, too soon, too long
• the process of giving things to teenagers to meet the adult's needs, not the teen’s

 ==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Recent research finds that over-indulged teenagers were likely to grow up to become “externals” rather than “internals.”  “Externals” want to become rich and super wealthy, to become famous, to achieve a unique look and have a deep need to have people comment on how attractive they are.

“Internals” want to grow and learn new things, to be able to look back on their life as meaningful and with satisfaction.  They also want to share life with someone and have a committed intimate relationship.  “Internals” want to work to make the world a better place and to help people in need.

Teens who are over-indulged tend to grow-up to be oppositional.  This is of course frustrating for the parent, and it’s rather sad as well.  Parents want their youngster to be happy, and they want what’s best for him or her, but the more parents try, the more things turn out badly because their efforts are misguided.

Amazingly, it’s counter-intuitive. The more the parent gives to the youngster, the more he or she wants and is ungrateful. It’s a self-perpetuating cycle. If the parent takes a stand, usually the youngster knows, “If I get mad, my mother will give-in.” In that regard, it can be quite a challenge for the parent to finally stand firm after years of over-indulging.  

Over-indulgence can be in terms of the relationship (e.g., moms and dads acting as “friends” as opposed to a parent).  Also, emotionally there’s a tendency to be overly doting and emotionally intrusive with the teen.  All of which tends to develop the tendency in the son or daughter to respond with anger, resentment, over-inflated self-esteem, as well as a loss of compassion for others. 

The youngster grows up with a sense of entitlement.  They develop this perspective not only regarding the relationship with their moms and dads, but that the world should give them all the things they want.  This can lead to having problems with friendships and, later, with dating and maintaining meaningful relationships. 

Moms and dads created the problem usually by having any number of irrational beliefs. For example:

• in order to make the youngster happy, they must give her everything she wants
• their youngster cannot be punished
• they cannot implement any consequence that involves discomfort
• they cannot subject their youngster to any sense of pain or discomfort

Of course, this is contrary to what happens in the real world.  Teenagers need to be disciplined appropriately and learn from their misbehavior and mistakes through logical consequences.  In the absence of such discipline, much of the time you will end up with a youngster who is oppositional and defiant. 

Another irrational belief of moms and dads, which is targeted in treatment, is this tendency toward unconditional positive regard. Of course, such admiration and love is wonderful; however, these moms and dads will demonstrate such positive regard no matter the behavior of the youngster. Moreover, these parents see “love” as “giving” to the youngster and not carrying out discipline.  These parents tend to rationalize and “look the other way” rather than discipline. 

The extent of “over-indulging” a youngster is on a continuum. Most teenagers are, at times, demanding and ungrateful. If moms and dads respond accordingly, then their son or daughter can move toward appreciation and cooperation. However, if such behavior is tolerated, or “indulged,” then demanding and ungrateful tendencies can worsen.

Parents can begin a “change process” by changing their irrational beliefs, which then fuels the parent making the necessary changes in discipline of their youngster. The important thing is “balance” between “giving” and “discipline.” It’s important for moms and dads to not feel guilty for not giving their teens everything they want. In that regard, a frequently repeated motto is that “parents should give teenagers everything they need, but only a small portion of what they want.”  Moms and dads need help to understand that, by giving everything, the youngster only becomes more resentful rather than grateful.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Ways parents can change habits of overindulging:

1. “No” means “No.”
2. Attach good and clear thinking to your teenager’s emotions. 
3. Counter your teenager’s manipulation where you feel guilty by simply practicing saying “I won’t get that for you, but I have a way you can earn it!”   
4. Do not soothe your teenager’s painful emotions with gadgets and luxuries.  Sooth them with your calm presence, voice and tenderness. 
5. Hold onto your better judgment and avoid thinking, “I know I shouldn’t have done such and such…”  Stop your own unhealthy sway of emotions. 
6. Let the emotional sting of discipline happen. The emotional sting has a lesson. 
7. More than discipline, you should guide your teenagers to make amends. 
8. One television per household creates better family gatherings.  Research indicates that teenagers who have TV’s in their room spend less time with family and friends.
9. Over-indulgence is an impulsive act.  So, slowly contemplate how to respond to your teenager’s misbehavior, guilt trips, etc. 
10. Parenting is not a popularity contest!  Want to create a living hell for yourself?  Become a buddy to your teenagers.  They don’t need a friend in a parent – they need a mentor.  Parent-child friendship is for later.
11. Take time to help your teenagers manage difficult emotional times. 
12. Whatever the consequence, consider ¼ time off for good behavior.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

How to Make Defiant Behavior in Children Worse

Defiant children are usually raised in homes where limits are too lenient or inconsistent. One or both parents may not be available to give the youngster any attention. The mom or dad may also demonstrate defiant behavior. 

Do you lean more toward the lenient side? Are your rules often inconsistent? Do you have little time to spend with your child? Do you get angry with your child (e.g., yell, nag). If so, then you are on the right track for making defiant behavior worse. Below are some more ideas...

10 tips for making defiant behavior worse:

1. Add more and more consequences.
2. Don’t follow through with consequences and try to be inconsistent.
3. Engage in confrontation in front your child’s peers or siblings.
4. Fight every parent-child battle that comes along, regardless of how big or small the problem is.
5. Get annoyed at every little thing your child does wrong.
6. Let power-struggles go on for a long time.
7. Lose your temper (e.g., yell or use sarcasm to escalate the problem).
8. Threaten your child.
9. Try to bribe your child to improve his behavior (e.g., let him have his way just so he will shut up).
10. Try to embarrass your child or put him down.

If you prefer to decrease rather than increase defiant behavior, then you will want to follow these 10 tips instead:

1. Analyze the power-struggles you have been hooked into (e.g., what hooked you?).
2. Be sure to listen to your child and consider what he is saying.
3. Discuss things briefly and in private to remove the audience.
4. Give clear directions to your child.
5. Have clear boundaries and predetermined consequences for problem behavior.
6. Monitor your tone. With an unruly child, you may become triggered to be negative too. This is a mistake. So keep your tone neutral when your child is oppositional, and be positive when he is neutral or positive.
7. Remove yourself from the interaction if you can’t stay calm.
8. Turn your oppositional child into a “helper” (e.g., creating the grocery list, how to organize things in the garage, what vegetables to plant in the garden, etc.). Defiant kids have a strong need for control, so helping them to find pro-social ways to channel that need can be a great technique to help them gain a sense of control and self-worth. Of course, make sure that your child is appropriately prepared, trained, and supervised in the task at hand. 
9. Use a calm neutral voice – no matter what!!!
10. Use rewards carefully. Defiant behavior is often driven by the child’s resistance to being under your control or authority. Therefore, reward systems may not always work, especially if the youngster senses your desire to tame or manipulate him.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

What the Future Holds for Oppositional Defiant Teens

Hello again Mark, Things are going significantly better... We have been trying your 3-part mantra: poker face, repeat the rule/plan/consequence, no emotion. Not always successfully, but better every day. I'm still very much grieving the child I will never have and would welcome ideas about how to move through this. But, my bigger question for today is, what is the outlook for teens with Oppositional Defiant Disorder as they move into adulthood? I'm especially concerned that my son is in for a life of turbulent and broken relationships and will likely have trouble holding a job. I guess I do have another question. Upon receiving his grade card today for the end of his sophomore year, our son declared that he is not a good match for public school and that he will not be going to school in the fall (reminder that his IQ is in the 140s, he scored 32 on the ACT as a sophomore but also has ADD and dysgraphia). Could it be that in his case he really isn't ever going to "succeed" in the system we call public school? And, what is an appropriate response when our child says he wants to quit school? As always, thank you.

Click here for the answer...

Parents’ Strategy for Oppositional Children: Teaching the Difference Between the Letter of the Law and the Spirit of the Law

Examples of oppositional behavior in the child:

• When told “Turn your cell phone off while you’re at the dinner table,” the defiant child may turn it off, and then turn it back on.
• When given the direction “Lower your voice,” the child may speak in a lower tone, but use the same volume.
• When given the direction “Pull your chair up to the table,” the child may bring the chair up, but then sit on the floor.

Parent’s Strategy: Teach the difference between the letter and the spirit of the law:

Generally, when faced with the “loophole finding” child, parents will try to become more precise in their language or to add additional rules. Rather than trying to plug the loopholes, give your defiant child a lesson that teaches the difference between the “letter of the law” and the “spirit of the law.”

Unless your youngster has a language impairment, he knows what you mean and is merely testing the limits. In your lesson, you can give examples of statements a parent might make, and then ask your child to identify the intent.

Examples:

• No yelling. Does that mean: (a) be silent or (b) start whispering?
• Stop running. Does that mean: (a) walk or (b) start skipping or hopping?
• Turn around. Does that mean: (a) face me or (b) turn in a circle?

Not only does this lesson get the point across, it generally is a lot of fun for parents and the kids. Once you are certain that your child understands the difference between the letter of the law and the spirit of the law, one additional rule can be added: “Follow the spirit of the law.”

Now, when your child tests the limits, you can ask, “Are you following the spirit of the law?” This effectively derails the child who innocently looks at you and smiles, saying, “But I did what you SAID!”

==> Effective Disciplinary Techniques for Defiant Teens and Preteens

Diagnosing Behavior Problems in Younger Defiant Children

The best way to diagnose a behavioral problem in a young defiant child (ages 3 to 6) is by consistent observation over several weeks – or even months. By observing your defiant youngster over a lengthy period of time, it becomes easier to identify patterns of behavior, and therefore discern potential triggers for problem behaviors.

Observing and recording your youngster's problematic behavior can provide clues about his or her strengths and weaknesses, and help you gain valuable information about how your youngster thinks, feels, learns and reacts in a variety of situations and environments. 

Here’s how to conduct an investigation:

1. Develop some investigation questions. What are you trying to discover about your youngster? Write down some questions that you hope to answer through observation (e.g., "Why does my son get very angry, agitated, and sometimes physically aggressive when playing board games with his siblings?").
2. Divide a piece of paper into 3 sections to create a note sheet. Label the first column "Time," the second "Observation," and the third "Comments."
3. Find a spot to sit in proximity to your youngster. Get close enough so you can hear what he's saying, but not so close that you interfere with the natural course of events.
4. Note the time that you are observing your youngster in the Time column.
5. Write a few sentences about the context of the situation in the Observation column. What is he saying and/or doing? Capture as much detail as possible. Write in note form and abbreviations in order to record quickly as the action happens. Also, write in present tense.
6. Write down any comments you have about what is happening in the Comments column. If, for example, you recorded that your youngster keeps yelling at his sister every time she appears to be winning, you could comment that “my son seems very concerned that he is going to lose.” You can add comments after you have recorded all observations.
7. After you have finished recording and commenting, try to find clues in your notes along the following 5 areas: (a) your youngster’s physical presence, (b) his disposition and temperament, (c) his connections with siblings, (d) his interests and preferences, and (e) his modes of thinking and learning.
8. Next, assign a color to each category and color-code your notes with colored pencils to underline different words and/or phrases associated with each area.
9. Then split all your color-coded evidence into the 5 areas and look for patterns of behavior. For example, review all your red underlined sections and see if you notice a repeated behavior (e.g., frequent yelling) that might suggest a certain habit (e.g., quick temper).
10. Lastly, organize your notes and formulate answers to your investigation questions. You may have to do several observations to gather enough data to analyze. One conclusion could be: "My son tends to act-out verbally and physically during board games because he fears losing. He needs to learn how to be a graceful loser."

 ==> My Out-of-Control Child: Help for Parents with Oppositional Defiant Children

Armed with this information, you can begin to take the steps necessary in helping your defiant child to be a graceful loser. For example:

• Choose an activity that requires cooperation as well as competition (e.g., freeze tag, red rover, duck duck goose, etc.).
• If your youngster fails at something, emphasize those aspects of the endeavor in which he is getting better. Keep track of improvement and personal bests (e.g., farthest throw, most hits in a row, etc.) – not final scores.
• If your youngster loses a game, quickly offer to play again and remind him that the winner has to say "Good game" to the loser.
• Once in a while, before you play a game, agree on a prize for the loser (e.g., picking the dessert that evening).
• Play games of chance (e.g., war) and explain that winning sometimes depends on luck, not on skill.
• Play games that last forever (e.g., Monopoly) in which your youngster and his siblings will run out of steam before anybody wins or loses. 

==> My Out-of-Control Child: Help for Parents with Oppositional Defiant Children

Parent’s Strategy for Dealing with Oppositional Defiant Behavior: Ask Rather Than Tell

Let’s look at this common parent-child exchange:

The parents says, “You need to finish your homework before you go out to play.” The child responds, “If you let me go now, I’ll do my homework later. I want to play with Jason now.”

If you persist, your child may continue to try to “make a deal” (e.g., “I’ll do half my homework now, only play outside for a little bit, and then come back and finish my homework”).

Your strategy is to ask rather than tell...

Oftentimes this type of interchange can be proactively avoided by “asking” the child what he should be doing, rather than by telling him what he is supposed to do (e.g., “What needs to be done before you go outside to play?”).

For the most part, children with defiant behavior really don’t want to be doing something different, they just want to have control and not feel as if they are being told what to do. Kids who are trying to make deals are really saying, “I want to feel like I have control over what I’m doing and when I’m doing it.”

If the parent interprets that sentiment out loud and points out that they do have control, oppositional kids often will comply. For example, you could say:

“You want to feel like you have control about the ‘what’ and ‘when’ of your choices. You do have control. No one can make you do anything you don’t want to do. You don’t do homework – you don’t go outside. You do your homework – you go outside. It’s your choice.”

==> Effective Disciplinary Techniques for Defiant Teens and Preteens

Treatment for ODD

Are there residential treatment centers that effectively treat ODD? How many kids in the US under 17 have ODD?

---------------

Hi B. & D.,

RE: Are there residential treatment centers that effectively treat ODD?

Residential treatment is not recommended for the treatment of ODD. Parent management training (PMT) is the recommendation because it has been demonstrated to affect negative interactions that repeatedly occur between the children and their parents.

PMT consists of procedures with which parents are trained to change their own behaviors and thereby alter their child's problem behavior in the home.

PMT is based on 35 years of well-developed research showing that oppositional and defiant patterns arise from maladaptive parent-child interactions that start in early childhood.

These patterns develop when parents inadvertently reinforce disruptive and deviant behaviors in a child by giving those behaviors a significant amount of negative attention. At the same time, the parents, who are often exhausted by the struggle to obtain compliance with simple requests, usually fail to provide positive attention; often, the parents have infrequent positive interactions with their children.

The pattern of negative interactions evolves quickly as the result of repeated, ineffective, emotionally expressed commands and comments; ineffective harsh punishments; and insufficient attention and modeling of appropriate behaviors.

My Out-of-Control Teen eBook provides parents the training needed in disrupting negative behavior problems associated with ODD.

RE: How many kids in the US under 17 have ODD?

The exact number of cases of Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) in the U.S. in not known. ODD is the most common psychiatric problem in children. Over 5% of all children have this. In younger children it is more common in boys than girls, but as they grow older, the rate is the same in males and females.

Dealing with Oppositional Defiant Behavior (ODD)

ODD is a pattern of disobedient, hostile, and defiant behavior toward authority figures. This disorder is more common in males than in females. Some studies have shown that it affects 20% of school-age kids. However, most experts believe this figure is high due to changing definitions of normal childhood behavior, and possible racial, cultural, and gender biases. This behavior typically starts by age 8, but it may start as early as the preschool years. This disorder is thought to be caused by a combination of biological, psychological, and social factors.

Symptoms include:

• Touchy or easily annoyed
• Spiteful or seeks revenge
• Loses temper
• Is in constant trouble in school
• Has few or no friends or has lost friends
• Blames others for own mistakes
• Argues with adults
• Angry and resentful of others
• Actively does not follow adults' requests

To fit this diagnosis, the pattern must last for at least 6 months and must be more than normal childhood misbehavior. The pattern of behaviors must be different from those of other kids around the same age and developmental level. The behavior must lead to significant problems in school or social activities.

Kids with symptoms of this disorder should be evaluated by a psychiatrist or psychologist. In kids and teens, the following conditions can cause similar behavior problems and should be considered as possibilities:

• Substance abuse disorders
• Learning disorders
• Depression
• Bipolar disorder
• Attention-deficit /hyperactivity disorder (ADHD)
• Anxiety disorders

The best treatment for the youngster is to talk with a mental health professional in individual and possibly family therapy. Moms and dads should also learn how to manage the youngster's behavior. Medications may also be helpful, especially if the behaviors occur as part of another condition (e.g., depression, childhood psychosis, ADHD). Some kids respond well to treatment, while others do not. In many cases, kids with ODD grow up to have conduct disorder as teens or adults. In some cases kids may grow up to have antisocial personality disorder.

Call your health care provider if you have concerns about your youngster's development or behavior. Be consistent about rules and consequences at home. Don't make punishments too harsh or inconsistent. Model the right behaviors for your youngster. Abuse and neglect increase the chances that this condition will occur.

My Out-of-Control Child: Parenting Children with Oppositional Defiance

Oppositional Defiant Disorder: How Parents Can Take Control

If your youngster is belligerent, mouthy and downright disobedient, it's time to take a closer look at the reasons why. All kids go through times when they just will not obey but the youngster with Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) is one who will never obey and one who will always push the family's boundaries.

The youngster with ODD is an instigator. He loves to poke and prod and do all the tiny things behind the scenes to get his siblings in trouble. He is the youngster that challenges everything you say. Most often this youngster will not have friends.

He may or may not have trouble in the classroom. Many kids with this disorder do fine in school but act out at home. This is generally thought to be because the youngster, understanding at an early age that his behavior is not socially acceptable, can hold it together during class hours but at some point, that youngster will need release. At home, he feels safe and knows he is loved. There is no longer any need for him to hold it all in. When your youngster arrives home from school, he will often scream the entire way from the bus to the house. Once inside, the meltdown escalates until you as a parent find yourself wishing he were still at school.

Thus begins the cycle that every parent of ODD kids can relate to. You feel you are to blame. You doubt your parenting. You feel guilty for wishing the youngster had somewhere else to go. You find yourself depleted, angry and unable to cope.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Following are a few things you can do to cut down on the meltdowns and take control again:

1. Establish a secure and supportive environment. A youngster with ODD needs to have security. He needs to know that mom and dad will always be there for him. He needs to know that no matter how uncontrollable he becomes, you will still love him.

2. Create a schedule and stick with it. Kids need a schedule. This is especially true of the youngster with ODD. He needs to know what comes next in his day. The surest way to a meltdown and uncontrollable behavior is the lack of a schedule. These kids want to know that everything follows a certain order. You may want to give your youngster his own calendar so he can track his own appointments. Use a schedule for chores and schoolwork. Your ODD youngster craves organization.

3. Set up clear and concise boundaries. Your youngster must know what will happen if he pulls his sister's hair, or breaks all the toys in his bedroom in a fit of rage. Determine the behaviors that cause the most strife in your household and write them down. Choose three or four of them to work on. Sit down with your youngster and have him help you draw up a plan. The plan should state the unwanted behavior and then the consequence of engaging in that behavior:

o Biting: 10-minute time-out.

o Breaking toys: Favorite toy gets taken away for three days.

o Kicking: 10-minute time-out.

o Temper tantrum: Half hour in bedroom to get control of himself.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

4. Be consistent. You will need to mete out the exact same discipline every time your youngster breaks the rule. If you carry through one time and you don't the next, the youngster will feel that he is in control. The most important thing to a youngster with ODD is to control those around him. If you let him have control, you will have lost any chance of him obeying you. Consistency is key!

5. Never shout or get angry with your youngster. A youngster with ODD literally shuts down when being yelled at. He cannot hear you. This phenomenon is discussed at length in The Explosive Child. Keep your voice gentle but firm, soft but authoritative.

Remember that ODD is a disorder. Your youngster may want to obey and he may try very hard to obey, but he just can't summon up that sort of self-control. You can help him control his behavior by controlling his environment. Your youngster is not out to get you or to make your life miserable. When you can see ODD as a disorder rather than blatant defiance, it may be easier to put the tools in place that will help your youngster and your family live in harmony.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents