HELP FOR PARENTS WITH STRONG-WILLED, OUT-OF-CONTROL CHILDREN AND ADOLESCENTS

Education and Counseling for Individuals Affected by Oppositional Defiant Disorder and ADHD

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She's Back To Her Old Ways

Greetings,

Good to hear from you. I've responded to this email in several places throughout where you see these arrows: >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Hi Mark,

I haven't completed reading the e-book as yet but it certainly is very relevant so far. I live in Australia and found your website via Google. I have been divorced from my 14-year-old daughter's mother for the past 9 years. I live in another state but have maintained regular contact with my daughter over the phone and every school holidays she stays with me and my new wife and children.

I had no idea there was a problem until recently. Whenever she visits or speaks with me, she is fine and when I spoke with her mother, she didn't let on there was anything wrong. About 4 months ago, I get a call from my ex saying that my daughter was skipping school and had been suspended. Then she tells me that she had been getting progressively worse over the prior 12 months that led to this point. She had become friends with a group of kids who were all getting into trouble and had started to behave very badly at home. I felt completely hopeless and annoyed with myself that it got to this point without me realising.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> You were in the fortunate position of being the "good guy." If your daughter comes to live with you, you will have to be willing to be the "bad guy" (i.e., the one who issues consequences for poor choices).

We both came to the conclusion that it would be best for her to get out of that environment and come live with me. Trouble was, my daughter didn't want to. She felt her friends are more important and didn't want to move away from them. This is when I finally got to see the side of her that her mother had been dealing with for the past year. I was devastated. I had no idea she could be like this. When I went down to pick her up, she was yelling and screaming at us both and flat out refused to come with me. We ended up calling the police to come talk to her as we didn't know what else to do. This is the stage she is at. She knows that we as parents can't force her to do anything. The police basically confirmed this for her. There is no law that says she has to do what we say. The police finally convinced her to come and stay with me as a trial but a week after she was with me, she begged me to go back to say goodbye to her friends and when I let her, she again refused to come back.

>>>>>>>>>>>>> Clearly, the tail is wagging the dog (i.e., your daughter has been "in charge" for several years now).

We didn't want to go through the whole thing again so she is still living with her mother. I'm sure she knows she can walk all over her mother so that's why she prefers to live there. She has stopped going to school completely and quite often goes out with her friends and doesn't come home for 2 nights straight. She is a very smart girl and I truly believe it is not too late to turn her around but we are at our wit's end.

>>>>>>>>>>>>> Please feel free to give your ex the password to the online and printable version of my ebook. If the two of you will coordinate and collaborate, you'll have all the tools you need to get the problems turned around. I know this is a bold statement, but I repeatedly find that, in those cases where the parents are dead serious about using the strategies discussed in the ebook, the results are quite remarkable.

In addition to all this, at about the time when I first found out about the problems, we found out she was pregnant. Luckily she realised this was a mistake and had the pregnancy terminated but going through all this made no difference to her behavior. It seemed to reinforce her belief that she can do as she pleases. Whenever I talk with her and feel as though I am getting through to her, a few days later I get a call from her mother and sure enough, she is back to her old ways.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Your daughter is intense and strong-willed (i.e., unconventional). And as you and your ex have discovered, conventional parenting strategies DO NOT WORK with an unconventional kid. She's not a bad kid -- no way. But she is intense, and she seeks intensity from others -- especially her parents (more on this in the ebook).

I know it's hard for a child in her situation. I have not been there for her and she has had some issues with her step-sister who is the daughter of her mother's new husband (who she has recently separated from). As you can see there are plenty of reasons for her to be like this and I feel terrible she has had to go through all this. We have tried to get her to go to counseling as I am sure she needs to speak to someone who knows how to deal with all this but she refuses to go.

>>>>>>>>>>> I detect a bit of you "feeling sorry" for you daughter. Unfortunately, this has been a contributing factor to some of her behavioral problems. There are hundreds of thousands of children dealing without divorce and/or seeing their other parent infrequently. This is no excuse for misbehavior and making every other family member's life hellish.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>Counseling is a conventional parenting strategy, and as you have already heard me say, conventional strategies DO NOT WORK with an unconventional kid such as your daughter. I can promise you that counseling will be yet another failed attempt at getting her behavior on the right track (it won't hurt, but you will get virtually no bang for your buck).

I am hoping I can pass your book onto her mother so she can better handle her. The good thing is that her mother and I still get on really well and always present a united front to our daughter. It's difficult with me living so far away and I am conscious of how it is affecting my three other children and my marriage to my new wife.

>>>>>>>>>>> I detect a bit of you "beating up on yourself" -- again! This will unfortunately contribute to the problem rather than the solution.

>>>>>>>>>>>.. I'm sure glad you stumbled into Online Parent Support. It was created for parents like you (i.e., a well intentioned, loving, caring parent who has lost control of his out-of-control child).

>>>>>>>>>>I can tell you that, in your family's case, the hen is in charge of the hen house, which is extremely unhealthy for the hen.
You and your ex now have a solution-based program to work with -- you need nothing else (another bold statement, I know).

>>>>>>>>>>Get busy reading and implementing the strategies discussed in the ebook. Keep me posted on the progress, or lack thereof -- and keep in touch frequently. Your ex may contact me as well. This will take some work, but you will be successful if you follow my recommendations.

>>>>>>>>>>Your daughter will never be willing to work for what you and your wife want, be she will be willing to work for what she wants (more on this in the ebook).

>>>>>>>>>Please forward this email to your ex-wife.


Here's to a better home environment,

Mark Hutten, M.A.

Cell: 765-810-3319
Email: mbhutten@gmail.com
Home Page: MyOutOfControlTeen.com


 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents
 

Hateful Daughter

My 15 year old is hateful, tells me to shut up, be quiet, calls me stupid -- then wants me to fix her hair, take her to a friend’s, have her boyfriend over, or take them somewhere etc.

If I ask her to do something, she gets mad or says “I will do it later.” She just broke her arm a second time due to tumbling class that I didn't want her to go to, so I finally gave in -- and this happens. I coached cheerleading for 4 years, don't know, and she says I don't care etc.

I am under constant stress with her. She was so sweet. This is my 3rd daughter to act this way. My son never did, thank you.

__________________________________________


Hi L.,

Gee -- your daughter sounds like all the other kids I work with. You are definitely not alone.

At the risk of giving you a “sales pitch,” the e-book that I wrote (My Out-of-Control Teen) is specifically for parents who are experiencing what you are experiencing: problems associated with unconventional, strong-willed, out-of-control teens.

People often asked me, “What do you mean by ‘unconventional’ teens.” What I mean is this: These kids enjoy intense interactions with others, especially their parents. They are not out to get you as the parent, but they are out to get your energy – in any form they can.

Unfortunately, the use of “traditional” or “conventional” parenting strategies reward the child for negative behavior, thus making it more likely the child will continue the “rewarded’ behavior.

I’m sorry this has turned into a “Sales Letter,” but your best bet would be to download my e-book and use me as your consultant. If you ware willing to work with me, I can promise you we will get the problems turned around.

What makes me so confident?

I follow-up with parents who complete my program, and the vast majority report that problems in the home occur less frequently and with less intensity. For example, instead of 14 arguments a week, there are only 3. And when the problems do arise, they are fairly easy to manage.

I hope to be working with you soon.

Here’s to a better home environment,

Mark Hutten, M.A.

We Bought Bill a Truck

Mark, We made contract with [our son] Bill when we bought him a truck. It said he would keep grades at C's and have no more behavior problems. The second week of school, he was suspended for telling the bus driver to shut up and flipping him off. We have the truck for sale. This was stated plainly in contract. Are we doing the right thing? ~ Sharon

________________________


Hi Sharon,

As you read my ebook, you'll discover where I fall of the issue of "advanced credit." The deal you made with your son goes something like this:

"We'll give you a truck in exchange for (a) grades no lower than a 'C' and (b) no more behavior problems."

With unconventional, strong-willed kids, "advanced credit" is the kiss of failure.

For example, son says, "Mom, can I go over to my friend's house to play basketball."

Mom says, "No, not until you get your homework done."

Son says, "I'll do it when I get back ...I promise. I've gotta play basketball."

Mom says, "O.K., but you make sure you're home in one hour and get started on that homework."

Son says, "Alright!" ...and he takes off out the door, fully intending to do his homework when he returns home.

You know the rest of the story. Does the homework get done?

No ...of course not.

Unconventional kids are not into "compromising" or "making deals" with parents -- they simply want to "have it their way." You will NEVER get your son to work for what you want, but you WILL get him to work for what he wants.

Here's what I recommend:

I know it was stipulated in the contract, but don't sell the truck!

The development of "self-reliance" is key. This is a golden opportunity for your son to EARN that truck and develop some self-reliance.

Here's how:

He earns his own money and pays for all or half of the truck -- you decide. He can earn money from doing chores at home, as well as his place of employment (if he's old enough to drive, he's old enough to be working somewhere).

When he reaches the dollar amount that you have agreed to (no contract, simply tell him what the expectation is), he can possess the truck -- and not a minute earlier. If there’s no way he can afford to pay at least half, then trade the truck in for a cheaper vehicle and proceed as described.

Remember: No Advanced Credit!

Tip: When a parent gives a child a vehicle, the kid has it pretty much destroyed in about 9 months. When a child pays for all or half of his vehicle, he washes and waxes the damn thing every weekend.

Please keep me posted regarding the progress of this matter.

Here's to a better home environment,

Mark


 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

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