When Your Husband Is An Over-Indulgent Parent

"Both my husband and I have read your eBook. However, he is still wanting to 'over-indulge' our daughter. What can I do?"

Hi C.,

It will be very important for you and your husband to be united and bonded on most issues. But, bear in mind that a weaker plan supported by the both parents is much better than a stronger plan support by only one parent.

The two of you must set aside your differences as partners and resolve to work together as parents in the best interest of your child. This is difficult, but not impossible to do.

You will continue to disagree – and that's O.K. But agree that you will not let your own differences interfere with your ability to parent together. Argue only when your child is not within earshot.

Make important decisions about your child together. Sit down with your husband and create rules that your child must follow, but that the two of you agree on.

Also, learn to let go a little and accept that the situation cannot be perfect. 

Try to schedule talks with your husband at times when you are both relaxed and can concentrate. It is much easier this way. 

Finally, put your plan in writing. For example:  

"As parents, we agree to allow our daughter to do a, b, and c. And we will mutually impose a consequence for x, y, and z. The consequence for x is ___________, for y is ______________, and for z is ______________."

Give it a try.

Please stay in touch,

Mark

 ==> Effective Disciplinary Techniques for Oppositional, Defiant Teens

Would you suggest any further contact?

Here's an email from a mother whose 17-year-old son is "on the run." He has a drug habit, and is basically floating from one living arrangement to another. This mother sent her son a letter inviting him to Christmas Eve dinner:

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Hi Mark,

Sent letter to my son. He would have received it on Friday. In it I also expressed your advise. I have also invited him to join all our family for Christmas Eve dinner. It is Monday. Would you suggest any further contact? If yes when? Or do you think I should wait until he contacts us? Christmas Eve is in 6 days. It's frustrating when we don't have the answers ourselves anymore. What do you suggest?

________

Hi M.,

The main goal is for (a) your son to start taking responsibility for himself, and (b) for you to take less responsibility in order to achieve (a).

Whenever you are undecided about what to say or do, ask yourself the question, "Is what I"m about to say or do going to promote the development of self-reliance in my son, or is it going to inhibit the development of self-reliance? If your decisions promote self-reliance, then they are good decisions ...period.

Thus, should there be further contact? I don't think so.

Further contact feels a bit like you taking on too much responsibility (again). He's been given an invitation. It's his choice whether to show up or not. If he "no shows" ...you can give him his gifts as well as a Christmas kiss on the cheek whenever he does show up. In the meantime, spend your time and energy on the family members that are near you.

Let go and let God. Don't give your son the power to steal your joy this Christmas -- this is YOUR choice.

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

She is an only child. Does this make a difference?

My fifteen year old daughter has always had problems with making and keeping friends. Its heart breaking when she never gets invitations to parties or sleep-overs. Is it too late to help her? She is an only child, does this make a difference?

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Hi S.,

The fact that your daughter is an only child does make a difference, but not a BIG one. Because only children do not have siblings with whom to interact, they learn to be children on their own and become very self-sufficient. Parents can help, but ultimately children become conditioned to depend on themselves. Although this self-sufficiency can have its benefits, it can also mean that only children are inherently alone as their personalities develop.

Only children must develop in social situations that may not be suited to their personalities. An only child's environment forces her to take on characteristics of extraversion despite natural inclinations toward introversion. A naturally introverted child must show extraverted qualities if she wishes to make friends. But take heart, the development of extraverted qualities can be learned, and with time, an element of extroversion becomes habit.

Of course, very few humans are strictly extraverted or introverted. To call an only child “introverted” would be to imply that the child developed into his/her natural tendency toward that certain personality type with little influence from the environment.

Nonetheless, environment forces the only child to struggle against his/her natural tendencies in order to function normally. Perhaps this struggle helps explain some of the common characteristics that emerge among only children, such as the tendency to not participate in many activities, but leading the ones in which they do participate. An only child tends to be more conscientious, more socially dominant, less agreeable, and less open to new ideas compared to the child who has siblings.

Therefore, she can choose to practice “approaching people” …she can practice speaking to people …and she can practice being interested in what others say and do. This will feel very abnormal at first, but with time, it will become habit. She can choose to have time alone – and she can choose to have times where she is “a part of” rather than “separate from.”

Here's to a better home environment,
Mark
www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

Treatment for ODD

Are there residential treatment centers that effectively treat ODD? How many kids in the US under 17 have ODD?

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Hi B. & D.,

RE: Are there residential treatment centers that effectively treat ODD?

Residential treatment is not recommended for the treatment of ODD. Parent management training (PMT) is the recommendation because it has been demonstrated to affect negative interactions that repeatedly occur between the children and their parents.

PMT consists of procedures with which parents are trained to change their own behaviors and thereby alter their child's problem behavior in the home.

PMT is based on 35 years of well-developed research showing that oppositional and defiant patterns arise from maladaptive parent-child interactions that start in early childhood.

These patterns develop when parents inadvertently reinforce disruptive and deviant behaviors in a child by giving those behaviors a significant amount of negative attention. At the same time, the parents, who are often exhausted by the struggle to obtain compliance with simple requests, usually fail to provide positive attention; often, the parents have infrequent positive interactions with their children.

The pattern of negative interactions evolves quickly as the result of repeated, ineffective, emotionally expressed commands and comments; ineffective harsh punishments; and insufficient attention and modeling of appropriate behaviors.

My Out-of-Control Teen eBook provides parents the training needed in disrupting negative behavior problems associated with ODD.

RE: How many kids in the US under 17 have ODD?

The exact number of cases of Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) in the U.S. in not known. ODD is the most common psychiatric problem in children. Over 5% of all children have this. In younger children it is more common in boys than girls, but as they grow older, the rate is the same in males and females.

What's the difference with ADHD and ADD?

My son has recently been diagnosed with ODD and ADHD. He is almost 10 years old. He is really good at school, but he has the defiance problem away from school. My question deals with the ADHD. I see him as having problems with concentration at school, but he is NOT hyper at all. What's the difference with ADHD and ADD? Why don't they diagnose it as that instead?

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Hi B.,

About 15% of ADHD children are ADHD without hyperactivity. Children with ADHD without hyperactivity are different in many ways from ADHD kids.

-- They often have lower energy than normal.

-- They are less assertive than normal. As a result, they are usually quite popular in school compared to ADHD kids.

-- They are much more likely to have learning disorders (especially Math) than ADHD kids.

-- They are much less likely to have ODD or conduct disorders.

-- They usually do not get identified early in school.

-- They are more likely to quietly daydream and never accomplish much. As a result, they do a good job of staying out of the teacher’s radar.

--They have a tendency to just drift through school (their body is in attendance, but not their mind).

Hope this answers your question,

Mark

http://www.myoutofcontrolteen.com/sl

I am depressed and sad all the time ...

Hi Mark, Very hard few days - one thing after another. She [daughter] had school disco Friday night. She carried on about underwear, which I had actually just washed. Went on and on. Sat night was about cranberry sauce. She ran out of the house to her dad’s - very annoying. I am feeling very tired. I was going out but to tired - just want to sit. I can't seem to show no emotion. Sometimes I can, but last night she made me cry, how much can you take. She ran back to my ex and said horrible horrible things about me and my partner. Thursday night she ran out of her piano concert. I have a job now but can't make stats probably loose it. I am depressed and sad all the time - just want to close eyes and dream of being far away. Beach somewhere sipping cocktail. No worries - like my twenties. ~ J.

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Hi J.,

These feelings you are having are very common for parents with out-of-control kids.

Here is a list of symptoms parents can expect to experience when dealing with their difficult child:

• Difficulty concentrating
• Apathy
• Anger
• Guilt ("If only I had done . . .”)
• Shame (“I’m not a very good parent.”)
• Sleep disturbances
• Loss of appetite
• Increased cravings for junk food
• Withdrawal from others
• Irritability
• Intense sadness or tears when a memory is triggered
• Loneliness, or a sense of separateness from your kid
• Numbness

Dealing with a strong-willed, out-of-control kid is very exhausting and trying. It will take about 25% of all your emotional, mental, and physical resources. You have to take care of yourself in ways you would not have to if your child was not so difficult. This includes things like:

• Go out weekly away from this kid and your home with your spouse or significant other.
• Get adequate exercise.
• Make sure you have some hobby you enjoy and can do when things get chaotic at home.
• Expect and accept some reduction in your usual efficiency and consistency.
• Try to avoid taking on new responsibilities or making major life decisions for a time.
• Talk regularly about your parenting struggles with someone you trust.
• Accept help and support when offered.
• Be particularly attentive to maintaining healthy eating and sleeping patterns.
• Keep reminding yourself that your responses are normal responses to a stressful situation.
• Give yourself permission to do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself.
• Have moments of prayer and meditation.
• Do things that feel good to you--take baths, read, exercise, watch television, spend time with friends, fix yourself a special treat, or whatever else feels nurturing and self-caring.
• Allow yourself to cry, rage, and express your feelings when you need to. Try not to numb your feelings with alcohol or drugs. This will only complicate your situation.

Finally, if you are having difficulty showing no emotion, then you are giving your daughter too much power. She can’t make you spit …she can’t make you stand on your head …she can’t make you mad …she can’t make you sad …she can’t make you happy …she simply does not have that kind of power over you.

If you cry, or get angry, or whatever -- this will be a choice that you – and you alone - make. You are in charge of your emotions -- not your daughter. And if you choose to react strongly to her negative behavior, she will continue with that behavior.

In summary, (a) take care of yourself, and (b) don’t give your power away.

Please stay in touch,

Mark Hutten, M.A.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Am I better off forcing my son to go to counseling...?

Mark,

Thank you for your email. We've been having problems with our 13-year-old son and recently saw a counselor last week, which was with both my husband and I. After a very bad evening, I found your website and purchased your book which described my "out of control teenager" perfectly.

Am I better off forcing my son to go to the counselor or trying your steps first? He obviously does not want counseling. He is not a problem in school or anything else he does. He is a very well liked boy who is extremely athletic, good looking and smart. Unfortunately, he does not like rules and always wants to be in charge. The outbursts occur only at home, but obviously we have severe concerns on his disruptiveness to the home.

Thanks for your help.

P.V.

__________

Hi P.,

Counseling is just another "traditional" parenting strategy that doesn't usually work very well. I see many cases in which it makes a bad problem worse. I would predict that this will be the case for you as well.

Just get into the ebook and begin digesting the material. Email me as you go along. This will be a much better route for you.

Stay in touch,

Mark

www.myoutofcontrolteen.com