How do I get him to talk more freely about these issues?

Hi Mark. Have been using your strategies with my younger son (13), who by the way is not a child with tremendous challenges like my eldest son and many of your on-line parents’ children. I have been getting great positive behaviour responses, and I have become comfortable in using your strategies.

I can't recall when we have had such great conversations about what he would like to achieve and how he would like to increase his pocket money if he completed extra chores at home. He has moved away from an expected weekly allowance to ensuring he has completed what we agreed to for the money to even looking at other ways he can help me.

The only area I am having difficulties is when we recently watched a news report about teenage drinking, and drugs I asked him what he thought about the use of drugs and how they affected people. He answered, “I know all about it” and did not want to talk about it. I can only guess he relates these issues with what his brother is going through and tries not to worry about him. How do I get him to talk more freely about these issues??

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Hi,

You’re assuming he needs to talk about these issues. I know you’re worried about him, but if he needs to talk, he will – probably not to you however (no offense). He will most likely “vent his spleen” to his peers rather than any adult.

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

Does this happen to other moms as well?

Hi Mark,

We are finding your book very interesting. I have a question concerning parents and councellors. Often we are told to "butt out", “your daughters disorganization is due to your disorganization.” We were led to believe from one school councellor that our daughter’s difficulties all stemmed from our ADD son and we should have been spending more time with her.

Often our daughter speaks with these councellors, we never have access to them except to receive their criticism as our daughter is over the age of 16 and will not allow us to know anything.

They will allow us to vent, but we never get any feedback except these blunt comments.

As a mom, I cannot take these negative comments much longer. She started with a new councellor about 4 weeks ago and he wants to talk with just me (mom). I have found in past experience that usually in these instances, I get belittled into the ground, but if my husband comes it seems to change the picture. Is this just me or does this happen to other moms as well? I am tired of being made feel like I am the one with the problem.

Our daughter has Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and by research on the net, this can lead to Type II Bipolar if left untreated, but we cannot find anyone who is willing to treat the initial disorder. She was put on mood stabilizers for type II bipolar, but is non-compliant in taking them.

E. & P.

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Hi E. & P.,

Sending the kid to counseling is simply another “traditional” parenting strategy that has little or no benefit with “non-traditional” kids – and in too many cases, counseling makes a bad problem worse. One-on-one counseling with the child or with just a portion of the family is not recommended!! If the entire family can attend, then counseling may have some benefit. Even then, you will not get much bang for your buck (and you’re hearing this from a counselor -- me).

The best approach for dealing with strong-willed, out of control teens is outlined in the eBook …you need nothing else. Let me repeat this …you need nothing else. This charges you, dear parent, with the difficult work of reading the material thoroughly and making a whole-hearted effort to implement the recommended parenting strategies. This is YOUR job – not the counselor’s.

Re: not taking meds. This needs a consequence in the same way any other behavioral problem needs a consequence. (Please refer to “When You Want Something From Your Kid” in the Anger Management chapter of the eBook).

Here’s to a better home environment,

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

He throws a temper tantrum when he doesn't get his way...

Mark,

My husband (Pat) and I are excited that we found your website. We have a 15 (almost 16) year old. Oct. 2005 he was diagnosed as bipolar, ADHD, and ODD. He was sent to the state hospital for 2 months to stabilize his moods and meds. He was sent home (failure to comply and interfering with other people's treatment plans). That was a tough time because it was easier to live without him than to live with him at the time. We filed for a CHINS petition (Children in Need of Supervision). He was place on probation and began receiving therapy from another counselor.

Here we are a little over a year since he came home. It has been a lot of ups and downs. There have been days when we feel like we couldn't go on and that it would be best for him to be placed in residential treatment. The psychiatrist is still changing his meds. I feel like we're still dealing with the same issues. My son wants to do what he wants, when he wants. He becomes belligerent when he doesn't get his way. Imagine, a 15-year-old, 5' 9", 260 lb kid throwing what seems to be a temper tantrum because he didn't get his own way. I worry about how he will turn out as an adult. He comes from a family that has a long history of anger problems and violence.

When he turns 16 he will be applying to get into Job Corp. We are excited about this ...probably for some wrong reasons. But at this place, he will not allow us to parent him. Little things become such a big fight ...the simple stuff, like picking up after himself ...or taking his meds.

Any thoughts?

Thanks,

L.F.

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Hi L.,

You just described all the other kids I work with during my day job (i.e., multiple mental health issues and behavior problems). And the parents that show up for my group are in the same boat as you (i.e., “Tried everything …still just treading water.”).

If you will commit to using the strategies in my eBook, you will finally begin to experience some positive change. But you must NOT dabble with these strategies – no half measures. Half measures WILL be the kiss of failure.

Below are just a few key points that will be developed in greater detail in the eBook. To omit even one of these will result in another failed attempt at getting significant change underway. These strategies are like the parts of a transmission in your car. Your transmission has little tiny springs, valves, gears, bands, and so on. But if just one of these parts is missing or defective, the whole transmission either runs poorly or not at all.

Key Points:

• After issuing a consequence, never retract it.

• Allow your out-of-control kid to make wrong choices – this gives him wisdom; experience is a great teacher.

• Be able to differentiate between your kid’s wants and her needs.

• Consider having only one television and one computer in the house.

• Don’t nag – simply follow through with the consequence.

• Don’t try to save your kid from negative consequences and painful emotions associated with poor choices.

• Expect your out-of-control kid to resist your new parenting strategies.

• Give equal love to all your kids, but parent them differently.

• Give only one warning -- then follow through with the consequence.

• Give your kid at least five chores to do each week.

• If you have tried to correct your parent’s mistakes by attempting to be a “better” parent, know that (a) you turned out all right, and (b) you may be erring on the other end of the extreme (e.g., your parent was aggressive to you as a child, so you decide to parent in a passive way).

• If you slip into a rage against your kid, apologize - but don’t try to compensate by over-indulging him.

• If your kid hibernates in his bedroom, take that television and computer out of there.

• Keep an eye out for your kid’s guilt-trips.

• Know that a weaker parenting-strategy supported by both parents – even if they are divorced -- is better than a stronger strategy supported by only one.

• Learn to say -- and stick with -- “no.”

• Only give your kid gifts on these 3 occasions: birthdays, Christmas, and graduation.

• Pay attention to your feelings of guilt about how you have parented, and know it is a sign that you are – once again – beating up on yourself.

• Remember that over-indulged kids are too comfortable – they need some discomfort before they will change.

• Remember that parenting is not a popularity contest – you are not a buddy!

• Respond to your kid’s anger with a poker face.

• When taking away privileges, take away the privilege for a short period (3 days works best). If it lasts too long, resentment builds, the kid forgets the infraction, and the lesson is lost.

• When you catch yourself feeling sorry for your kid, know it is a sign that you are – once again – taking on too much responsibility.

• When your kid needs to be cheered-up, do so with active listening, empathy, paraphrasing, validation, and hugs rather than giving him/her a lot of stuff and freedom (e.g., unearned privileges, food, gifts, fun activities).

• Don't dabble with these non-traditional parenting strategies – be consistent and you will out-will the strong-willed, out-of-control kid!

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