Can you help me sort this out?

I’ve responded to your email below. Please look for these arrows below >>>>>>>>>>>

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Good Morning,

Thank you for responding to my last set of questions so quickly. I'm a single parent and the guidance and support is greatly appreciated and needed! So ... we got through the first 3 day punishment. Things seem to be getting better, daughter had a better attitude for a few days, etc.

>>>>>>>>> You may want to review "When You Want Something From Your Kid" (in the Anger Management chapter of the online version).

>>>>>>>> step 1: Pick the least restrictive consequence first (e.g., ground for one day with no computer).

>>>>>>>>>step 2 (if needed): If she doesn't accept this discipline (i.e., she gets on the computer anyway, or leaves the house), then take everything away (or at least her favorite items) and ground her for 3 days.


>>>>>>>>>step 3 (if needed): If she violates the 3-day discipline at any point, merely re-start. If she completes the 3-day discipline successfully, but a few days later behaves inappropriately again, return to step 1 rather than jumping to step 3.


Then, yesterday I had to enforce another 3 day restriction. I have been using her computer time because she loves it. First question ... should I try to use other things as well ... it's not a good idea to ALWAYS use the computer time as the first privilege that is taken away is it?

Second issue is that absences from school have been a real problem. So, I've made it clear that going to school is an expectation in our household and is the law in this country. I've been trying very hard to be consistent and not play in to her constant minor ailments to get out of school.

>>>>>>>> You are on track here.

Yesterday, she called from school with a "headache" so instead of picking her up ... I took some Tylenol down to the school and sent her back to class. I also spoke with the school nurse about what was going on. I don't want to seem unsupportive if she's truly ill, but I'm really trying to stand my ground.

>>>>>>>>> You're still on track -- good work.

This morning when I woke her up she was very combative -- yelling, screaming she doesn't want to live with me and she hates me, slamming doors ... so, I imposed another punishment of no phone (along with no computer) for three days. Should I have simply extended the computer restriction to another 3 days or is it ok to take away another privilege?

>>>>>>>>>>Use the steps I listed above.

Lastly, in the course of observing her ...I realized she really was sick. She was coughing like crazy, her eyes were clearly swollen, nose running, etc. I didn't notice when I first woke her up ... of course I just naturally assumed she was faking again. What do I do? Do I still enforce the no phone restriction ... she was probably so combative because she is sick and I wasn't hearing her or even considering the possibility.

>>>>>>>>> If she has a temperature or swollen lymph nodes in her neck, she should stay home; otherwise, she should go to school.

So, of course I feel guilty. I know I can't let guilt guide my decisions and the words in your e-book "better not to start this program at all than to do it half way" keep ringing in my head.

>>>>>>>>>When you feel guilty, remind yourself that will be doing the most harm possible if you choose to enable her (i.e., save her from uncomfortable emotions associated with poor choices or irresponsibility).

I just want to do the right thing and I'm committed to making these changes and doing what's best for her. Can you help me sort this out?

>>>>>>>>> You are doing great. Relax and keep it simple though.

Mark


www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

Military School Option

Today's public school system is poorly equipped to handle out of control teenagers. Many teachers will tell you they are afraid of some students. Often times, parents turn to military schools as an option to discipline and educate their out of control teenagers. Military schools, which seemed headed for extinction in the late 1960s and early '70s, have seen enrollments increase steadily in recent years. Many military schools are jammed to capacity and sport long waiting lists, as anxious parents scramble for slots. 

She won't go to school...

My 16-year-old daughter will not go to school. I ordered and read your online book last night. She came to me this morning and told me she would not be going to school tomorrow and I told her I would not argue with her about it anymore. If she didn't go to school tomorrow, she would not be able to talk on the phone or use the computer to communicate with anyone. She said fine. I told her the three-day restriction would continue every three days until she goes to school. My only fear is that I am going to get in trouble for not sending her to school. Do you think she will finally give in? She is a very strong-willed child. She has been diagnosed with ODD, OCD, ADHD and is supposed to be taking anti-depressants. She refuses to take any medication. Give me your thoughts, please. T.W.

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Hi T.,

Re: getting her to take her meds. Pick your battles carefully. I would let go of this one. If she were bipolar, she wouldn’t be able to neglect her meds, but with odd/ocd/adhd, she will probably be all right without meds (although her psychiatrist would shoot me for saying this).

Re: school attendance. Let her know that she is grounded for 3 days with no privileges – BUT -- the clock does not start until she goes to school. Also, you may want to go to your local juvenile probation department and let them know that she refuses to go to school (this will cover you from a legal standpoint).

Going to school usually is an exciting, enjoyable event for teens. But for some it brings intense fear or panic. Parents should be concerned if their child regularly complains about feeling sick or asks to stay home from school with minor physical complaints. These children may suffer from a paralyzing fear of leaving the safety of their parents and home. The child's panic and refusal to go to school is very difficult for parents to cope with, but these fears and behavior can be treated successfully, with professional help.

Teens who refuse to go to school usually:

· feel that others see them in a negative way

· become unduly self-conscious and avoid social situations in which they fear others may criticize them or make fun of them behind their back

· have negative and troublesome relationships with their peers

· get teased by mischievous children or harassed by a bully

· are reluctant to go to school because of an appearance and self-esteem problem, or social "image" problem prompted by a school rumor or being let down by a friend

· are depressed and experience significant difficulty in getting up and getting out of bed in the morning.

Don't make staying home more rewarding than going to school. Eliminate or reduce all incentives for staying home. Also, attach rewards and incentives to going to school and staying there throughout the school hours.

Having investigated the possible causes and offered your support as a parent, you may have to "push" your child out to school. You may have to learn to ignore the tantrums, complaints, and the pleading to "let me stay home just for today."

Mark
www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com