What do we do next?

Hi Mark,

I have wanted to contact you sooner but time has slipped away. I have received your material and have released control of my son's school issues. They are now his responsibility - his grades that is - not his behavior.

He has been grounded since November - the 1st report card ~ even though he was told he would get his privileges back if his progress report showed improvement ~ when the progress report came the grades were still the same. He made no effort. Finally after a constant tense household ~ several conversations - talks about his future and how his grades will effect him ~ calm talks ~ screaming matches~ crying and all of those adjectives I have missed ~ I finally let go. I took your advice and let him become responsible for his schoolwork. From that moment forward I would not email the teachers, make excuses or try to get extra credit to bring up his grade ~ it was now his responsibility.

Now it is a new card marking and he is showing effort. I have not asked him to do his homework ~ I have not questioned him about it ~ I have helped him with it and been positive.

I am less tense and there has not been a constant source of tension (for that I thank you).

He is still grounded from his privileges until he brings his grades up, but when we do see an effort we are rewarding him - last Friday night he was able to have two friends over because of the improvement. Now my question to you is - if the report card comes home and the grades are still bad - and he is still grounded - what do we do next? Since he is already grounded - from cell phone - friends - going places - would we take something else away - the ipod for example - and for how long? Or what would we do.

Bet you are sorry you asked - lol . Just kidding! Thank you.

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Hold on to your horses.

Actually, he shouldn't be grounded at all!!! (You didn't want to hear that, I bet).

Grounding him is just another version of attempting to take responsibility for his academic performance. You wouldn't ground him if he got fired from his job at McDonald's. Getting fired would be the consequence. In the same way, a bad report card is the consequence.

Parents absolutely hate this advice. But when I ask, "Did grounding your kid for the whole grading period make his grades come up?" ...they drop their heads and say, "No ...his grades got worse."

Hang in there. You are doing a great job. Thanks for being moldable.

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

Can you help me sort this out?

I’ve responded to your email below. Please look for these arrows below >>>>>>>>>>>

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Good Morning,

Thank you for responding to my last set of questions so quickly. I'm a single parent and the guidance and support is greatly appreciated and needed! So ... we got through the first 3 day punishment. Things seem to be getting better, daughter had a better attitude for a few days, etc.

>>>>>>>>> You may want to review "When You Want Something From Your Kid" (in the Anger Management chapter of the online version).

>>>>>>>> step 1: Pick the least restrictive consequence first (e.g., ground for one day with no computer).

>>>>>>>>>step 2 (if needed): If she doesn't accept this discipline (i.e., she gets on the computer anyway, or leaves the house), then take everything away (or at least her favorite items) and ground her for 3 days.


>>>>>>>>>step 3 (if needed): If she violates the 3-day discipline at any point, merely re-start. If she completes the 3-day discipline successfully, but a few days later behaves inappropriately again, return to step 1 rather than jumping to step 3.


Then, yesterday I had to enforce another 3 day restriction. I have been using her computer time because she loves it. First question ... should I try to use other things as well ... it's not a good idea to ALWAYS use the computer time as the first privilege that is taken away is it?

Second issue is that absences from school have been a real problem. So, I've made it clear that going to school is an expectation in our household and is the law in this country. I've been trying very hard to be consistent and not play in to her constant minor ailments to get out of school.

>>>>>>>> You are on track here.

Yesterday, she called from school with a "headache" so instead of picking her up ... I took some Tylenol down to the school and sent her back to class. I also spoke with the school nurse about what was going on. I don't want to seem unsupportive if she's truly ill, but I'm really trying to stand my ground.

>>>>>>>>> You're still on track -- good work.

This morning when I woke her up she was very combative -- yelling, screaming she doesn't want to live with me and she hates me, slamming doors ... so, I imposed another punishment of no phone (along with no computer) for three days. Should I have simply extended the computer restriction to another 3 days or is it ok to take away another privilege?

>>>>>>>>>>Use the steps I listed above.

Lastly, in the course of observing her ...I realized she really was sick. She was coughing like crazy, her eyes were clearly swollen, nose running, etc. I didn't notice when I first woke her up ... of course I just naturally assumed she was faking again. What do I do? Do I still enforce the no phone restriction ... she was probably so combative because she is sick and I wasn't hearing her or even considering the possibility.

>>>>>>>>> If she has a temperature or swollen lymph nodes in her neck, she should stay home; otherwise, she should go to school.

So, of course I feel guilty. I know I can't let guilt guide my decisions and the words in your e-book "better not to start this program at all than to do it half way" keep ringing in my head.

>>>>>>>>>When you feel guilty, remind yourself that will be doing the most harm possible if you choose to enable her (i.e., save her from uncomfortable emotions associated with poor choices or irresponsibility).

I just want to do the right thing and I'm committed to making these changes and doing what's best for her. Can you help me sort this out?

>>>>>>>>> You are doing great. Relax and keep it simple though.

Mark


www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com