HELP FOR PARENTS WITH STRONG-WILLED, OUT-OF-CONTROL CHILDREN AND ADOLESCENTS

Education and Counseling for Individuals Affected by Oppositional Defiant Disorder and ADHD

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She's a Pooper.


My 8yr old daughter has been wetting or pooping in her pants and hiding them from us. It used to be occasionally, now it is multiple times during the week. When asked why, she says she is only allowed to go to the bathroom at school during certain times. She also has other behaviors, which are very concerning. This evening she peed in a small cup instead of going to the bathroom (located right outside her bedroom) because she did not want to disturb me. We have tried taking privileges away and spankings, but it has not fixed the problem. I am at my hits end and would appreciate any suggestions you might have.

Thank you ~T.

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Hi T.,

Your daughter has what is called an elimination disorder. Elimination disorders occur in children who have problems going to the bathroom -- both defecating and urinating. Although it is not uncommon for young children to have occasional "accidents," there may be a problem if this behavior occurs repeatedly for longer than 3 months, particularly in children older than 5 years.

There are two types of elimination disorders, encopresis and enuresis. Encopresis is the repeated passing of feces into places other than the toilet, such as in underwear or on the floor. This behavior may or may not be done on purpose. Enuresis is the repeated passing of urine in places other than the toilet. Enuresis that occurs at night, or bed-wetting, is the most common type of elimination disorder. As with encopresis, this behavior may or may not be done on purpose.

In addition to the behavior of releasing waste in improper places, a child with encopresis may have other symptoms, including loss of appetite, abdominal pain, loose stools, scratching or rubbing the anal area due to irritation from watery stools, decreased interest in physical activity, withdrawal from friends and family, and secretive behavior associated with bowel movements.

A child with encopresis is at risk for emotional and social problems related to the condition. They may develop self-esteem problems, become depressed, do poorly in school and refuse to socialize with other children, including not wanting to go to parties or to attend events requiring them to stay overnight. Teasing by friends and scolding by family members can add to the child's self-esteem problems and contribute to the child's social isolation. If the child does not develop good bowel habits, he or she may suffer from chronic constipation.

Encopresis is fairly common, even though many cases are not reported due to the child's and/or the parents' embarrassment. It is estimated that anywhere from 1.5% to 10% of children have encopresis. It is more common in boys than in girls.

Encopresis tends to get better as the child gets older, although the problem can come and go for years. The best results occur when all educational, behavioral and emotional issues are addressed. A child may still have an occasional accident until he or she regains muscle tone and control over his or her bowel movements.

If symptoms are present, the doctor will begin an evaluation by performing a complete medical history and physical examination. The doctor may use certain tests -- such as X-rays -- to rule out other possible causes for the constipation, such as a disorder of the intestines. If no physical disorder is found, the doctor will base his or her diagnosis on the child's symptoms and current bowel habits.

The most common cause of encopresis is chronic constipation, the inability to release stools from the bowel. This may occur for several reasons, including stress, not drinking enough water and pain caused by a sore in or near the anus.

When a child is constipated, a large mass of feces develops, which stretches the rectum. This stretching dulls the nerve endings in the rectum, and the child may not feel the need to go to the bathroom or know that waste is coming out. The mass of feces also can become impacted -- too large or too hard to pass without pain. Eventually, the muscles that keep stool in the rectum can no longer hold it back. Although the large, hard mass of feces cannot pass, loose or liquid stool may leak around the impacted mass and onto the child's clothing.

Factors that may contribute to constipation include a diet low in fiber, lack of exercise, fear or reluctance to use unfamiliar bathrooms (e.g., public restrooms), not taking the time to use the bathroom, changes in bathroom routines (e.g., scheduled bathroom breaks at school).

Another possible cause of encopresis is a physical problem related to the intestine's ability to move stool. The child also may develop encopresis because of fear or frustration related to toilet training. Stressful events in the child's life, such as a family illness or the arrival of a new sibling, may contribute to the disorder. In some cases, the child simply refuses to use the toilet.

Although it may not be possible to prevent encopresis, getting treatment as soon as symptoms appear may help reduce the frustration and distress, as well as the potential complications related to the disorder. In addition, being positive and patient with a child during toilet training may help prevent any fear or negative feelings about using the toilet.

Treatment often begins by clearing any feces that has become impacted in the colon, also called the large intestine. The next step is to try to keep the child's bowel movements soft and easy to pass. In most cases, this can be accomplished by changing the child's diet, using scheduled trips to the bathroom and encouraging or rewarding positive changes in the child's bathroom habits. In more severe cases, the doctor may recommend using stool softeners or laxatives to help reduce constipation. Psychotherapy (a type of counseling) may be used to help the child cope with the shame, guilt or loss of self-esteem associated with the disorder.


Mark
www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

Things were going well for awhile.

Mark,

Thank you for your newsletter reminding me that there is help out there. I have neglected to give you our story because I know you are busy.

Our grandson has come to live with us here in Indiana one year ago from Hawaii . He has always been close to us since birth because his father was murdered when he was three months old and we cared for my daughter and him after that, until she remarried a military guy and moved to HI. D____ is 13 years old now …his mother has also joined the military and he is on the verge of being out of control.

D____ has been diagnosed ADHD and ODD and was on meds while in HI. However since he has been here, we have not kept up with these meds and it is my desire not to have too.

He was in therapy October and November, but the therapist only would show for the sessions less than half of the time and I did not know where to turn.

November was horrible, and then I began using your techniques. D____ responded very well to the poker face and the three-day groundings of his games and computer. He went from an average four detentions a month to none in Dec. and January. Now, February, he has six!

I don’t know of any changes at home or school that would have caused such a drastic change. He has begun to be disrespectful again and has had all of his fun items taken away. If he continues, I don’t know what to take away next. Starting over with the three days has me completely confused at this point since he is getting in trouble over and over again in the same day.

Any suggestions or questions?

Thanks,

B.

___________________________________________________


A kid’s emotional and behavioral problems happen for a reason. The current problems could be due to something at home or school, something that happened in the past, bio-chemical changes that occur as the child develops, etc. (You did mention that he is 13-years-old now. Kids usually fire their caretakers as managers around this age and say, ”I take it from here.”) In any event, it wouldn’t be a good use of time and energy to speculate about the cause. All we can do is address issues today.

I find that when parents were experiencing an improvement in their child’s behavior, and then things got worse again, it is nearly always the case that the parent has neglected some of her strategies. The method discussed in my ebook consists of a ‘set of strategies’ that must be used ‘in combination’ with one another. If any part of the method is overlooked, the entire system fails.

Consider all the individual components in the transmission of your car. If just one tiny part (e.g., a check ball or a little spring) is lose or broken, the entire transmission stops working. The same is true with these parenting strategies.

Let me provide you with a check-list. If you answer “no” to any of these statements, you may have discovered a potential problem in your parenting transmission:


1. After issuing a consequence, I never retract it.

2. I allow my out-of-control kid to make wrong choices, which gives him wisdom; experience is a great teacher.

3. I am able to differentiate between my kid’s wants and her/his needs.

4. I don’t nag – I simply follow through with the consequence.

5. I don’t try to save my kid from negative consequences and painful emotions associated with poor choices.

6. I expect my out-of-control kid to resist my new parenting strategies.

7. I give equal love to all my kids, but parent them differently.

8. I give only one warning -- then I follow through with the consequence.

9. I give my kid at least five chores to do each week.

10. When I slip into a rage against my kid, I apologize, but I don’t try to compensate by over-indulging him/her.

11. I keep an eye out for my kid’s guilt-trips.

12. I know that a weaker parenting-strategy supported by both parents is better than a stronger strategy supported by only one, and I adjust accordingly.

13. I have learned to say “no”-- and to stick with “no” when it is my answer.

14. I only give my kid gifts on birthdays, Christmas and graduation.

15. I understand that over-indulged kids are too comfortable and that they need some discomfort before they will change.

16. I understand that parenting is not a popularity contest – I am not a "buddy"!

17. I respond to my kid’s anger with a poker face.

18. When taking away privileges, I take away the privilege for a short period (3 days works best; if it lasts too long, resentment builds, my kid forgets the infraction, and the lesson is lost).

19. When I catch myself feeling sorry for my kid, I know it is a sign that I am – once again – taking on too much responsibility.

20. When my kid needs to be cheered-up, I do so with active listening, empathy, paraphrasing, validation, and hugs rather than giving her/him stuff or freedom (e.g., unearned privileges, food, gifts, fun activities, etc.).

21. I do not dabble with these non-traditional parenting strategies – I am consistent!

22. I regularly use “The Art Of Saying Yes” when my answer is yes (covered in the ebook).

23. I regularly use “The Art Of Saying No” when my answer is no (covered in the ebook).

24. I regularly use the strategy “When You Want Something From Your Kid” whenever I want my kid to do as requested (covered in the ebook).

25. I avoid power struggles at all cost.

26. I have the serenity to accept the things I can’t change, the courage to change the things I can, and I have the wisdom to know the difference.


www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

Are you for real?

Hi Mark,

Are you for real? Do you really have the answers to help with teenage behavior? I read through your material on the website and think my daughter doesn't steal, do drugs, lie, so skip school is this the program I need for her? She is 16 years old, 17 this April, and the problem we are experiencing with her is the "attitude". She has been a troubled girl from little on. She is deaf in one ear, and just seemed to pull away from everyone (including any friends she may have had). She was bullied terrible from Kindergarten to Grade 6-7.

She started washing her hands so much that her hands were red and sore. She finally quit that business, but then turned to other things, like specific routines when going to bed, or not wanting to go on road trips (especially school field trips, but even family ones) because she was worried about bathroom breaks and what if there was no place to wash your hands afterwards, and things of that nature.

We've seen counselors, psychiatrists and doctors but no one has been able to understand what her problem is. She does not go out with friends (she only has the one 14 year old girl she calls a friend) always they hang out at our house. I think she feels safer for some reason. She hates to shop (even for clothes or anything fun for herself). When I do take her along its frustrating for me and anyone else that is with us as she gets antsy and impatient like its time to go already...

She has always been a very unhappy child and now an unhappy teenager. I always said that she would be one of these teens that either get a gun and shoot all of her classmates in the school; or go the other way and kill herself. I don't know, maybe I'm reading too much into this, but she is in grade 11 and I worry about where she will end up when she graduates. She does well in school, but if she won't leave home, how can she further her education or even get a half decent job. We live in a small town (1800) and believe me there is nothing for her here.

My problem at this stage is I've created a very selfish teenager. She thinks only of herself and unless nagged, won't help out with anything. She comes home from school and lies around on the couch, or down stairs on the computer. She won't sweep the floor, do the dishes or pick up after herself. I've tried to talk with her, and let her know that I need help. I can't do it all by myself. But still she does nothing to help.

Please understand too that I'm the type of mom who wants everyone happy, so I make excuses for her and when she asks something of me, I'm there in a minute. Then two days later I get so angry at her because she hasn't done something I've asked of her and threaten to say no to her the next time she asks, but it never happens. Always the "pleasing mom" I can't say no to my kids. They walk all over me and everyone knows it.

Please Mark, do you have any advice for a very tired, frustrated mom. I feel I need advice as to what discipline do you use on a 16 year old. She is driving and relies on our car to go and pick up her friend and take her home again. She loves her music, and family computer. Any advice would be appreciated.

Thank you for your time and assistance on this family problem.

Best Regards,

J.H.

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Hi J.,

Yes ...I'm real. My full-time job consists of going to the homes of parents who are at a loss on what to do or how to help. I work with both the parent and the defiant child over a period of about 4 to 6 weeks. During our time together, I show the parent how to use some highly effective “unconventional” parenting strategies to use with their out-of-control, “unconventional” child.

These parents have tried very hard to address their child’s emotional & behavioral problems on their own, but with little or no success. And it seems the harder they try, the worse it gets.

Here’s the good news. These “out-of-control” kids I see on a daily basis are the most enjoyable bunch I could ever work with. I get nothing but respect and cooperation from all of them. Why? Because, I’ve learned how to approach them. And believe me, it’s taken many years to get it right.

Now I want to show YOU how to be the “therapist” and how to approach your child -- in spite of all the emotional and behavioral problems. There is no need for you to continue living as a frustrated, stressed-out parent. I will help you resolve most of the behavioral problems, but I can’t do it for you!

If you will read my eBook, listen to my talks, view my videos and power point presentations, and email me with specific questions as you go along – we WILL get the problems turned around. If you will take a step of faith here, you will experience the same success that hundreds of other parents are now enjoying.

After years of dealing with strong-willed, defiant children, many parents feel so defeated that they believe nothing or nobody will be able to help them – they think it’s simply “too late.” But I promise you – it is NOT too late!!

If you’re tired of the disrespect, dishonesty and arguments …if you’re tired of trying to deal with the problems “on your own,” then let’s get started with these parenting strategies.

I'm not a “miracle worker,” but you don't need a miracle to get your kid on a good track behaviorally and emotionally -- you just need the right combination of “unconventional” parenting strategies.

I’m here for you whenever you’re ready to Join Online Parent Support: http://www.myoutofcontrolteen.com/sl


Mark Hutten, M.A.
Online Parent Support
Email: mbhutten@gmail.com
www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

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