She's a Pooper.


My 8yr old daughter has been wetting or pooping in her pants and hiding them from us. It used to be occasionally, now it is multiple times during the week. When asked why, she says she is only allowed to go to the bathroom at school during certain times. She also has other behaviors, which are very concerning. This evening she peed in a small cup instead of going to the bathroom (located right outside her bedroom) because she did not want to disturb me. We have tried taking privileges away and spankings, but it has not fixed the problem. I am at my hits end and would appreciate any suggestions you might have.

Thank you ~T.

_____________________________________________


Hi T.,

Your daughter has what is called an elimination disorder. Elimination disorders occur in children who have problems going to the bathroom -- both defecating and urinating. Although it is not uncommon for young children to have occasional "accidents," there may be a problem if this behavior occurs repeatedly for longer than 3 months, particularly in children older than 5 years.

There are two types of elimination disorders, encopresis and enuresis. Encopresis is the repeated passing of feces into places other than the toilet, such as in underwear or on the floor. This behavior may or may not be done on purpose. Enuresis is the repeated passing of urine in places other than the toilet. Enuresis that occurs at night, or bed-wetting, is the most common type of elimination disorder. As with encopresis, this behavior may or may not be done on purpose.

In addition to the behavior of releasing waste in improper places, a child with encopresis may have other symptoms, including loss of appetite, abdominal pain, loose stools, scratching or rubbing the anal area due to irritation from watery stools, decreased interest in physical activity, withdrawal from friends and family, and secretive behavior associated with bowel movements.

A child with encopresis is at risk for emotional and social problems related to the condition. They may develop self-esteem problems, become depressed, do poorly in school and refuse to socialize with other children, including not wanting to go to parties or to attend events requiring them to stay overnight. Teasing by friends and scolding by family members can add to the child's self-esteem problems and contribute to the child's social isolation. If the child does not develop good bowel habits, he or she may suffer from chronic constipation.

Encopresis is fairly common, even though many cases are not reported due to the child's and/or the parents' embarrassment. It is estimated that anywhere from 1.5% to 10% of children have encopresis. It is more common in boys than in girls.

Encopresis tends to get better as the child gets older, although the problem can come and go for years. The best results occur when all educational, behavioral and emotional issues are addressed. A child may still have an occasional accident until he or she regains muscle tone and control over his or her bowel movements.

If symptoms are present, the doctor will begin an evaluation by performing a complete medical history and physical examination. The doctor may use certain tests -- such as X-rays -- to rule out other possible causes for the constipation, such as a disorder of the intestines. If no physical disorder is found, the doctor will base his or her diagnosis on the child's symptoms and current bowel habits.

The most common cause of encopresis is chronic constipation, the inability to release stools from the bowel. This may occur for several reasons, including stress, not drinking enough water and pain caused by a sore in or near the anus.

When a child is constipated, a large mass of feces develops, which stretches the rectum. This stretching dulls the nerve endings in the rectum, and the child may not feel the need to go to the bathroom or know that waste is coming out. The mass of feces also can become impacted -- too large or too hard to pass without pain. Eventually, the muscles that keep stool in the rectum can no longer hold it back. Although the large, hard mass of feces cannot pass, loose or liquid stool may leak around the impacted mass and onto the child's clothing.

Factors that may contribute to constipation include a diet low in fiber, lack of exercise, fear or reluctance to use unfamiliar bathrooms (e.g., public restrooms), not taking the time to use the bathroom, changes in bathroom routines (e.g., scheduled bathroom breaks at school).

Another possible cause of encopresis is a physical problem related to the intestine's ability to move stool. The child also may develop encopresis because of fear or frustration related to toilet training. Stressful events in the child's life, such as a family illness or the arrival of a new sibling, may contribute to the disorder. In some cases, the child simply refuses to use the toilet.

Although it may not be possible to prevent encopresis, getting treatment as soon as symptoms appear may help reduce the frustration and distress, as well as the potential complications related to the disorder. In addition, being positive and patient with a child during toilet training may help prevent any fear or negative feelings about using the toilet.

Treatment often begins by clearing any feces that has become impacted in the colon, also called the large intestine. The next step is to try to keep the child's bowel movements soft and easy to pass. In most cases, this can be accomplished by changing the child's diet, using scheduled trips to the bathroom and encouraging or rewarding positive changes in the child's bathroom habits. In more severe cases, the doctor may recommend using stool softeners or laxatives to help reduce constipation. Psychotherapy (a type of counseling) may be used to help the child cope with the shame, guilt or loss of self-esteem associated with the disorder.


Mark
www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

Things were going well for awhile.

Mark,

Thank you for your newsletter reminding me that there is help out there. I have neglected to give you our story because I know you are busy.

Our grandson has come to live with us here in Indiana one year ago from Hawaii . He has always been close to us since birth because his father was murdered when he was three months old and we cared for my daughter and him after that, until she remarried a military guy and moved to HI. D____ is 13 years old now …his mother has also joined the military and he is on the verge of being out of control.

D____ has been diagnosed ADHD and ODD and was on meds while in HI. However since he has been here, we have not kept up with these meds and it is my desire not to have too.

He was in therapy October and November, but the therapist only would show for the sessions less than half of the time and I did not know where to turn.

November was horrible, and then I began using your techniques. D____ responded very well to the poker face and the three-day groundings of his games and computer. He went from an average four detentions a month to none in Dec. and January. Now, February, he has six!

I don’t know of any changes at home or school that would have caused such a drastic change. He has begun to be disrespectful again and has had all of his fun items taken away. If he continues, I don’t know what to take away next. Starting over with the three days has me completely confused at this point since he is getting in trouble over and over again in the same day.

Any suggestions or questions?

Thanks,

B.

___________________________________________________


A kid’s emotional and behavioral problems happen for a reason. The current problems could be due to something at home or school, something that happened in the past, bio-chemical changes that occur as the child develops, etc. (You did mention that he is 13-years-old now. Kids usually fire their caretakers as managers around this age and say, ”I take it from here.”) In any event, it wouldn’t be a good use of time and energy to speculate about the cause. All we can do is address issues today.

I find that when parents were experiencing an improvement in their child’s behavior, and then things got worse again, it is nearly always the case that the parent has neglected some of her strategies. The method discussed in my ebook consists of a ‘set of strategies’ that must be used ‘in combination’ with one another. If any part of the method is overlooked, the entire system fails.

Consider all the individual components in the transmission of your car. If just one tiny part (e.g., a check ball or a little spring) is lose or broken, the entire transmission stops working. The same is true with these parenting strategies.

Let me provide you with a check-list. If you answer “no” to any of these statements, you may have discovered a potential problem in your parenting transmission:


1. After issuing a consequence, I never retract it.

2. I allow my out-of-control kid to make wrong choices, which gives him wisdom; experience is a great teacher.

3. I am able to differentiate between my kid’s wants and her/his needs.

4. I don’t nag – I simply follow through with the consequence.

5. I don’t try to save my kid from negative consequences and painful emotions associated with poor choices.

6. I expect my out-of-control kid to resist my new parenting strategies.

7. I give equal love to all my kids, but parent them differently.

8. I give only one warning -- then I follow through with the consequence.

9. I give my kid at least five chores to do each week.

10. When I slip into a rage against my kid, I apologize, but I don’t try to compensate by over-indulging him/her.

11. I keep an eye out for my kid’s guilt-trips.

12. I know that a weaker parenting-strategy supported by both parents is better than a stronger strategy supported by only one, and I adjust accordingly.

13. I have learned to say “no”-- and to stick with “no” when it is my answer.

14. I only give my kid gifts on birthdays, Christmas and graduation.

15. I understand that over-indulged kids are too comfortable and that they need some discomfort before they will change.

16. I understand that parenting is not a popularity contest – I am not a "buddy"!

17. I respond to my kid’s anger with a poker face.

18. When taking away privileges, I take away the privilege for a short period (3 days works best; if it lasts too long, resentment builds, my kid forgets the infraction, and the lesson is lost).

19. When I catch myself feeling sorry for my kid, I know it is a sign that I am – once again – taking on too much responsibility.

20. When my kid needs to be cheered-up, I do so with active listening, empathy, paraphrasing, validation, and hugs rather than giving her/him stuff or freedom (e.g., unearned privileges, food, gifts, fun activities, etc.).

21. I do not dabble with these non-traditional parenting strategies – I am consistent!

22. I regularly use “The Art Of Saying Yes” when my answer is yes (covered in the ebook).

23. I regularly use “The Art Of Saying No” when my answer is no (covered in the ebook).

24. I regularly use the strategy “When You Want Something From Your Kid” whenever I want my kid to do as requested (covered in the ebook).

25. I avoid power struggles at all cost.

26. I have the serenity to accept the things I can’t change, the courage to change the things I can, and I have the wisdom to know the difference.


www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

Are you for real?

Hi Mark,

Are you for real? Do you really have the answers to help with teenage behavior? I read through your material on the website and think my daughter doesn't steal, do drugs, lie, so skip school is this the program I need for her? She is 16 years old, 17 this April, and the problem we are experiencing with her is the "attitude". She has been a troubled girl from little on. She is deaf in one ear, and just seemed to pull away from everyone (including any friends she may have had). She was bullied terrible from Kindergarten to Grade 6-7.

She started washing her hands so much that her hands were red and sore. She finally quit that business, but then turned to other things, like specific routines when going to bed, or not wanting to go on road trips (especially school field trips, but even family ones) because she was worried about bathroom breaks and what if there was no place to wash your hands afterwards, and things of that nature.

We've seen counselors, psychiatrists and doctors but no one has been able to understand what her problem is. She does not go out with friends (she only has the one 14 year old girl she calls a friend) always they hang out at our house. I think she feels safer for some reason. She hates to shop (even for clothes or anything fun for herself). When I do take her along its frustrating for me and anyone else that is with us as she gets antsy and impatient like its time to go already...

She has always been a very unhappy child and now an unhappy teenager. I always said that she would be one of these teens that either get a gun and shoot all of her classmates in the school; or go the other way and kill herself. I don't know, maybe I'm reading too much into this, but she is in grade 11 and I worry about where she will end up when she graduates. She does well in school, but if she won't leave home, how can she further her education or even get a half decent job. We live in a small town (1800) and believe me there is nothing for her here.

My problem at this stage is I've created a very selfish teenager. She thinks only of herself and unless nagged, won't help out with anything. She comes home from school and lies around on the couch, or down stairs on the computer. She won't sweep the floor, do the dishes or pick up after herself. I've tried to talk with her, and let her know that I need help. I can't do it all by myself. But still she does nothing to help.

Please understand too that I'm the type of mom who wants everyone happy, so I make excuses for her and when she asks something of me, I'm there in a minute. Then two days later I get so angry at her because she hasn't done something I've asked of her and threaten to say no to her the next time she asks, but it never happens. Always the "pleasing mom" I can't say no to my kids. They walk all over me and everyone knows it.

Please Mark, do you have any advice for a very tired, frustrated mom. I feel I need advice as to what discipline do you use on a 16 year old. She is driving and relies on our car to go and pick up her friend and take her home again. She loves her music, and family computer. Any advice would be appreciated.

Thank you for your time and assistance on this family problem.

Best Regards,

J.H.

-----------------------


Hi J.,

Yes ...I'm real. My full-time job consists of going to the homes of parents who are at a loss on what to do or how to help. I work with both the parent and the defiant child over a period of about 4 to 6 weeks. During our time together, I show the parent how to use some highly effective “unconventional” parenting strategies to use with their out-of-control, “unconventional” child.

These parents have tried very hard to address their child’s emotional & behavioral problems on their own, but with little or no success. And it seems the harder they try, the worse it gets.

Here’s the good news. These “out-of-control” kids I see on a daily basis are the most enjoyable bunch I could ever work with. I get nothing but respect and cooperation from all of them. Why? Because, I’ve learned how to approach them. And believe me, it’s taken many years to get it right.

Now I want to show YOU how to be the “therapist” and how to approach your child -- in spite of all the emotional and behavioral problems. There is no need for you to continue living as a frustrated, stressed-out parent. I will help you resolve most of the behavioral problems, but I can’t do it for you!

If you will read my eBook, listen to my talks, view my videos and power point presentations, and email me with specific questions as you go along – we WILL get the problems turned around. If you will take a step of faith here, you will experience the same success that hundreds of other parents are now enjoying.

After years of dealing with strong-willed, defiant children, many parents feel so defeated that they believe nothing or nobody will be able to help them – they think it’s simply “too late.” But I promise you – it is NOT too late!!

If you’re tired of the disrespect, dishonesty and arguments …if you’re tired of trying to deal with the problems “on your own,” then let’s get started with these parenting strategies.

I'm not a “miracle worker,” but you don't need a miracle to get your kid on a good track behaviorally and emotionally -- you just need the right combination of “unconventional” parenting strategies.

I’m here for you whenever you’re ready to Join Online Parent Support: http://www.myoutofcontrolteen.com/sl


Mark Hutten, M.A.
Online Parent Support
Email: mbhutten@gmail.com
www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

Why two names?

Thank you. One more thing. I've gotta ask - is your name Mark Hutten or Mark Huttenlocker. Which one, and why two names?

That makes me a little nervous.

Thanks.

_______________________________________________________


Actually, my name is Mark Hutten-Locker, but this name seems to confuse everybody. So in an attempt to make my life a bit easier, I chop off the "Locker" part (except in those cases where my full name is needed, of course). Hope this isn't too confusing. Please just call me Mark Hutten. Thanks!

Mark Hutten

How do I encourage some conversation in our home?


Mark,

I continue to use your strategies from the online book. We continue to have fewer and less intense discussions with our son. In fact, they happen very rarely now.

The issue we still struggle with is getting him to open up and communicate with us. An example, last night he worked. Typically his shift is from 4 pm to ~ 9 pm. He came home ~8:30. After saying hello, I asked "I'm surprised to see you this early. Weren't you busy tonight?" His reply was a one-word answer, "No". I do realize that I didn't form the question the correct way and I allowed him the option of a one-word answer. But in trying to keep the conversation going, all I got were grunts and more one-word answers.

Mark, on a typical day, if we hear 50 words from him we are lucky. There is very little conversation at the dinner table when we eat together and like last night, many of the conversations end with me running out of things to talk about and him going on his way to something he wants to do.

How do I encourage some conversation in our home? He has never been much of a talker, even before all of the behavior problems started.

G.W.

_______________________________________________________________________________


I don't think you have a problem here. He's not much of a conversationalist, but that's o.k.

I wouldn't try to squeeze words out of him. Don't assume that "few words" = "hidden problems."

Try to match to him. In other words, keep conversations short on your end too. In this way, you will (a) send a message that you are indeed interested in what is going on in his life, and (b) avoid giving him the impression that he is not divulging enough information.

It sounds like he simply does not need a lot of "parent time." I wouldn't take this personally.

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

YOUR CHILD'S ACADEMIC SUCCESS

Show That You Think Education and Homework Are Important
Children need to know that their family members think homework is important. If they know their families care, children have a good reason to complete assignments and to turn them in on time. You can do many things to show that your child that you value education and homework.

Set a Regular Time for Homework
Having a regular time to do homework helps children to finish assignments. The best schedule is one that works for your child and your family. What works well in one household may not work in another. Of course, a good schedule depends in part on your child's age as well as her specific needs. For instance, one child may do homework best in the afternoon, completing homework first or after an hour of play and another may do it best after dinner. However, don't let your child leave homework to do just before bedtime.

Your child's outside activities, such as sports or music lessons, may mean that you need a flexible homework schedule. Your child may study after school on some days and after dinner on others. If there isn't enough time to finish homework, your child may need to drop some outside activity. Let her know that homework is a high priority.

You'll need to work with your elementary school child to develop a schedule. An older student can probably make up a schedule independently, although you'll want to make sure that it's a workable one. You may find it helpful to write out his schedule and put it in a place where you'll see it often, such as on the refrigerator door.

Some families have a required amount of time that their children must devote to homework or some other learning activities each school night (the length of time can vary depending upon the child's age). For instance, if your seventh grader knows she's expected to spend an hour doing homework, reading or visiting the library, she may be less likely to rush through assignments so that she can watch TV. A required amount of time may also discourage her from "forgetting" to bring home assignments and help her adjust to a routine.

Pick a Place
Your child's homework area doesn't have to be fancy. A desk in the bedroom is nice, but for many children, the kitchen table or a corner of the living room works just fine. The area should have good lighting and it should be fairly quiet. Your child may enjoy decorating a special area for homework. A plant, a brightly colored container to hold pencils and some favorite artwork taped to the walls can make homework time more pleasant.

Remove Distractions
Turn off the TV and discourage your child from making and receiving social telephone calls during homework time. (A call to a classmate about an assignment, however, may be helpful.)

Some children work well with quiet background music, but loud noise from the CD player, radio or TV is not OK. One history teacher laments, "I've actually had a kid turn in an assignment that had written in the middle, 'And George Washington said, "Ohhhhh, I love you."' The kid was so plugged into the music that he wasn't concentrating."

If you live in a small or noisy household, try having all family members take part in a quiet activity during homework time. You may need to take a noisy toddler outside or into another room to play. If distractions can't be avoided, your child may want to complete assignments in the local library.

Provide Supplies and Identify Resources
Have available pencils, pens, erasers, writing paper and a dictionary. Other supplies that might be helpful include a stapler, paper clips, maps, a calculator, a pencil sharpener, tape, glue, paste, scissors, a ruler, a calculator, index cards, a thesaurus and an almanac. If possible, keep these items together in one place. If you can't provide your child with needed supplies, check with her teacher, school guidance counselor or principal about possible sources of assistance.

For books and other information resources, such as suitable computer Web sites, check with the school library or your local public library. Some libraries have homework centers designed especially to assist children with school assignments (they may even have tutors and other kinds of individual assistance).

You may want to ask your child's teacher to explain school policy about the use of computers for homework. Certainly, computers are great learning and homework tools. Your child can use her computer not only for writing reports and for getting information through Internet resource sites, but for "talking" with teachers and classmates about assignments.

In many schools, teachers post information about homework assignments and class work on their own Web sites, which also may have an electronic bulletin board on which students can post questions for the teacher and others to answer. (For more information about using the Internet, see the U.S. Department of Education's booklet, Parents' Guide to the Internet, listed in the Resources section, page .) However, you don't have to have a computer in your home for your child to complete homework assignments successfully. Some schools may offer after-school programs that allow your child to use the school computers. And many public libraries make computers available to children.

Set a Good Example

Show your child that the skills he is learning are an important part of the things he will do as an adult. Let him see you reading books, newspapers and computer screens; writing reports, letters, e-mails and lists; using math to balance your checkbook or to measure for new carpeting; doing other things that require thought and effort. Tell your child about what you do at work.

Help your child to use everyday routines to support the skills he is learning-for example, teach him to play word and math games; help him to look up information about things in which he is interested-singers, athletes, cars, space travel and so forth; and talk with him about what he sees and hears as the two of you walk through the neighborhood, go shopping at the mall or visit a zoo or museum.

Be Interested and Interesting
Make time to take your child to the library to check out materials needed for homework (and for enjoyment) and read with your child as often as you can. Talk about school and learning activities in family conversations. Ask your child what was discussed in class that day. If she doesn't have much to say, try another approach. For example, ask her to read aloud a story she wrote or to talk about what she found out from a science experiment.

Attend school activities, such as parent-teacher conferences, plays, concerts, open houses and sports events. If you can, volunteer to help in your child's classroom or at special events. Getting to know some of your child's classmates and their parents builds a support network for you and your child. It also shows your child that his home and school are a team.

Monitor Assignments
Children are more likely to complete homework successfully when parents monitor their assignments. How closely you need to monitor your child depends upon her age, how independent she is and how well she does in school. Whatever the age of your child, if she is not getting assignments done satisfactorily, she requires more supervision.

Here are some ways to monitor your child's assignments:

Ask about the School's Homework Policy
At the start of the school year, ask your child's teacher about any rules or guidelines that children are expected to follow as they complete homework. Ask about the kinds of assignments that will be given and the purposes for the assignments.

Talk with the teacher about your role in helping with homework. Expectations for parent involvement vary from teacher to teacher. Some teachers want parents to monitor homework closely, whereas others want them simply to check to make sure the assignment is completed on time. Ask the teacher to call if any problems with homework come up. Let her know that you will do the same.

Be Available
Many elementary school students often like to have someone with them to answer questions as they work on assignments. If your child is cared for by someone else, talk to that caregiver about how to deal with homework. For an older child, if no one will be around, let him know when you want him to begin work and call to remind him if necessary.

However, if the teacher has made it known that students are to do homework on their own, limit your assistance to your child to assuring that assignments are clear and that necessary supplies are provided. Too much parent involvement can make children dependent-and takes away from the value of homework as a way for children to become independent and responsible.

Look over Completed Assignments

It's usually a good idea to check to see that your elementary school child has finished her assignments. If your middle-school student is having trouble finishing assignments, check his work, too. After the teacher returns completed homework, read the comments to see if your child has done the assignment satisfactorily.

Monitor Time Spent Viewing TV and Playing Video Games

American children on average spend far more time watching TV or playing video games than they do completing homework. In many homes, more homework gets done when TV viewing and "game" time is limited.

Once you and your child have worked out a homework schedule, take time to discuss how much TV and what programs she can watch. It's worth noting that television can be a learning tool. Look for programs that relate to what your child is studying in school, such as programs on history or science or dramatizations of children's literature. When you can, watch shows with your child, discuss them and encourage follow-up activities such as reading or a trip to the museum.

Likewise, limit the amount of time your child spends playing video games. As with TV programs, be aware of the games she likes to play and discuss her choices with her.

Provide Guidance
The basic rule is, "Don't do the assignments yourself." It's not your homework—it's your child's. "I've had kids hand in homework that's in their parents' handwriting," one eighth-grade teacher complains. Doing assignments for your child won't help him understand and use information. And it won't help him become confident in his own abilities.

Here are some ways that you can provide guidance without taking over your child's homework:

Help Your Child Get Organized
Help your child to make a schedule and put it in a place where you'll see it often. Writing out assignments will get him used to the idea of keeping track of what's due and when. If your child is not yet able to write, write it for him until he can do it himself.

A book bag or backpack will make it easier for your child to carry homework to and from school. Providing homework folders in which your child can tuck his assignments for safekeeping also can help him to stay organized.

Encourage Good Study Habits
Teachers generally give students tips on how to study. But it takes time and practice to develop good study habits. To reinforce good habits at home, you can:

· Help your child manage time to complete assignments. For example, if your eighth grader has a biology report due in three weeks, discuss all the steps she needs to take to complete it on time, including:

1. selecting a topic;

2. doing the research by looking up books and other materials on the topic and taking notes;

3. figuring out what questions to discuss;

4. drafting an outline;

5. writing a rough draft; and

6. revising and completing the final draft.

Encourage your child to make a chart that shows how much time she expects to spend on each step.

· Help your child to get started when he has to do research reports or other big assignments. Encourage him to use the library. If he isn't sure where to begin, tell him to ask the librarian for suggestions. If he's using a computer for online reference resources—-whether the computer is at home, school or the library—make sure he's getting whatever help he needs to use it properly and to find age-appropriate Web sites. Many public libraries have homework centers with tutors or other kinds of one-on-one assistance. After your child has completed the research, listen as he tells you the points he wants to make in the report.

· Give practice tests. Help your third grader prepare for a spelling test by saying the words as she writes them. Have her correct her own test as you spell each word.

· Help your child avoid last-minute cramming. Review with your fifth grader how and what to study for his social studies test long before it's to be given. You can have him work out a schedule of what he needs to do to, make up a practice test and write down answers to the questions he's made up.

· Talk with your child about how to take a test. Be sure she understands how important it is to read the instructions carefully, to keep track of the time and to avoid spending too much time on any one question. (See the Resources section for the titles of books and pamphlets that give more tips on how your child can get organized and develop good study habits.)

Talk about the Assignments
Talking and asking questions can help your child to think through an assignment and break it down into small, manageable parts. Here are some questions to ask.

· Do you understand what you're supposed to do? After your child has read the instructions, ask her to tell you in her own words what the assignment is about. (If she can't read yet, the teacher may have sent home instructions that you can read to her.) Some schools have homework hotlines that you can call or Web sites that you can access by computer for assignments in case your child misplaced a paper or was absent on the day it was given. If your child doesn't understand the instructions, read them with her and talk about the assignment. Does it have words that she doesn't know? How can she find out what the words mean? If neither you nor your child understands an assignment, call one of her classmates or get in touch with the teacher.

· Do you need help in understanding how to do this assignment? See if your child needs to learn more, for example, about subtracting fractions before she can do her assignment. Or find out if the teacher needs to explain to her again when to use different kinds of punctuation marks. If you understand the subject yourself, you may want to work through some examples with your child. However, always let her do the assignment herself.

· Do you have everything you need to do the assignment? Sometimes your child needs special supplies, such as colored pencils, metric rulers, calculators, maps or reference books. Check with the teacher, school guidance counselor or principal for possible sources of assistance if you can't provide the needed supplies. Check with your local library or school library for books and other information resources.

· Does your answer make sense to you? To check that your child understands what he is doing, ask him to explain how he solved a math problem or have him summarize what he has written in a report.

Watch for Frustration
If your child shows signs of frustration, let him take a break. Encourage him and let him see that you know he can do the work.

Give Praise
People of all ages respond to praise. And children need encouragement from the people whose opinions they value most—their families. "Good first draft of your book report!" or "You've done a great job" can go a long way toward motivating your child to complete assignments.

Children also need to know when they haven't done their best work. Make criticism constructive, however. Instead of telling a sixth grader, "You aren't going to hand in that mess, are you?" say, "The teacher will understand your ideas better if you use your best handwriting." Then give praise when the child finishes a neat version.

Talk with Teachers to Resolve Problems
Homework problems often can be avoided when families and caregivers value, monitor and guide their children's work on assignments. Sometimes, however, helping in these ways is not enough. If you have problems, here are some suggestions for how to deal with them.

Tell the Teacher about Your Concerns

You may want to contact the teacher if

· your child refuses to do her assignments, even though you've tried hard to get her to do them;

· the instructions are unclear;

· you can't seem to help your child get organized to finish the assignments;

· you can't provide needed supplies or materials;

· neither you nor your child can understand the purpose of the assignments;

· the assignments are too hard or too easy;

· the homework is assigned in uneven amounts—for instance, no homework is given on Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday, but on Thursday four assignments are made that are due the next day; or

· your child has missed school and needs to make up assignments.
In some cases, the school guidance counselor or principal also may be helpful in resolving problems.

Work with the Teacher
Continuing communication with teachers is very important in solving homework problems. As you work with your child's teacher, here are some important things to remember:

· Talk with each of your child's teachers early in the school year. Get acquainted before problems arise and let each teacher know that you want to be kept informed. Most elementary and middle schools hold regular parent-teacher conferences or open houses. If your child's school doesn't provide such opportunities, call the teacher to set up a meeting.

· Contact the teacher as soon as you suspect your child has a homework problem (as well as when you think he's having any major problems with his schoolwork). Schools have a responsibility to keep you informed about your child's performance and behavior and you have a right to be upset if you don't find out until report-card time that your child is having difficulties. On the other hand, you may figure out that a problem exists before the teacher does. By alerting the teacher, you can work together to solve a problem in its early stages.

· Request a meeting with the teacher to discuss homework problems. Tell him briefly why you want to meet. You might say, "Rachel is having trouble with her math homework. I'm worried about why she can't finish the problems and what we might do to help her." If English is your second language, you may need to make special arrangements, such as including in the meeting someone who is bilingual.

· Approach the teacher with a cooperative spirit. Believe that the teacher wants to help you and your child, even if you disagree about something. Don't go to the principal without giving the teacher a chance to work out the problem with you and your child.

· Let the teacher know whether your child finds the assignments too hard or too easy. (Teachers also like to know when their students are particularly excited about an assignment.) Of course, not all homework assignments can be expected to interest your child and be perfectly suited to her. Teachers just don't have time to tailor homework to the individual needs of each student. However, most teachers want to assign homework that their students can complete successfully and they welcome feedback.

Many teachers structure homework so that a wide range of students will find assignments interesting. For example:

—They offer students options for different approaches to the same topic or lesson;
—They give extra assignments to students who want more challenge; and
—They give specialized assignments to students who are having trouble in a particular area.

· During your meeting with the teacher, explain what you think is going on. In addition, tell the teacher if you don't know what the problem is. Sometimes a student's version of what's going on isn't the same as the teacher's version. For example, your child may tell you that the teacher never explains assignments so that he can understand them. But the teacher may tell you that your child isn't paying attention when assignments are given.

· Work out a way to solve or lessen the problem. The strategy will depend on what the problem is, how severe it is and what the needs of your child are. For instance:

o Is the homework often too hard? Maybe your child has fallen behind and will need extra help from the teacher or a tutor to catch up.

o Does your child need to make up a lot of work because of absences? The first step might be working out a schedule with the teacher.

o Does your child need extra support beyond what home and school can give her? Ask the teacher, school guidance counselor or principal if there are mentor programs in your community. Mentor programs pair a child with an adult volunteer who assists with the child's special needs. Many schools, universities, community organizations, churches and businesses offer excellent mentoring programs.

· Make sure that communication is clear. Listen to the teacher and don't leave until you're sure that you understand what's being said. Make sure, too, that the teacher understands what you have to say. If, after the meeting, you realize you don't understand something, call the teacher to clarify.

At the end of the meeting, it may help to summarize what you've agreed to do:

"OK, so to keep track of Kim's assignments, I'll check her assignment book each night and write my initials beside new assignments. Each day you'll check to make sure she's written down all new assignments in her book. That way we'll be certain that I know what her assignments are."

· Follow up to make sure that the approach you agreed to is working. If the teacher told you, for example, that your child needs to spend more time practicing long division, check back in a month to talk about your child's progress.

Homework can bring together children, families and teachers in a common effort to improve children's learning.

Helping your child with homework is an opportunity to improve your child's chances of doing well in school and life. By helping your child with homework, you can help him learn important lessons about discipline and responsibility. You can open up lines of communication—between you and your child and you and the school. You are in a unique position to help your child make connections between school work and the "real world," and thereby bring meaning (and some enjoyment) to your child's homework experience.

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

27 year-old twins are still behaving like rebellious teenagers...



We have a crisis on our hands. We have twin daughters who are 27 years old who are still behaving like rebellious teenagers....which is why I got your ebook on teenage problems...because that is how they have been behaving for some time now. Even years we think.

We want these girls to move out of our home by 1st March. They are not paying us rent ....they are not helping with anything around the house. We live on a dairy farm and they say because they were born here and they love the place. They just want to stay here and feed a horse, a dog, and 3 cats.

Just lately they have been taking away belongings of theirs and selling them. We are starting to think they even may be taking some of our things but cannot be sure. They both have an applied science degree - one has it in Landscape Management ...the other has it in Resource Management. So they are not inarticulate by any means and have been given opportunities.

One has spent over a year overseas in Britain - the other had not earnt enough to go. Looking back perhaps we should have lent C_______ the money to go on an overseas working holiday with her sister as things have not been that good since N____ returned from overseas in June 2004… having spent about 18 months away from her identical sister.

Christine did not ask us for money at the time .....did not appear interested. Although she was always happy for her sister and seemed to relive the traveling as her sister relayed it to her by phone. Back in about September last year we invited local policeman to come and have a chat with them – this has not worked and they just treat the law and the justice system with no respect. We served a trespass notice on them - they ignored this. We locked them out, but they just set up camp on the farm.

We have offered them help to set themselves up in a flat ...offering to pay rent and bond for first month help them shift etc. They refuse to talk about it, walk away or hang up the phone.
They have an older sister 32yrs and an older brother aged 30yrs. He is a builder and got married in January 07.....they refused to go to the wedding and have not spoken to their brother and his wife for several months.

We allowed the girls back in the house for Dec. 06 and Jan. 07 Feb. 07...because we had some of their overseas relatives coming to stay for the wedding. The understanding was they move out on March 1st 07. I have been feeding them up until now. They have used our credit cards to charge up their cell phone. I think they may have been ringing up psychics ...which explains the need to top up their phone by large sums of money.

Our son has decided to give farming a go, so we will move out by 1st June 07. Girls say there is no way they are going anywhere. They say we are discriminating ...but they in no way are qualified to run the farm. They believe that every animal should live etc. And would probably let the farm go back to scrub. They are not facing reality in any way at all.

My question is "are we going to have to use the police as they refuse to even sit down & discuss anything "Or is there another way."

Thanks N.R.

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The answer to your question is a resounding “YES” – you need to file charges against your daughters. Clearly, the tail has been wagging the dog for too many years now. But you are definitely not alone on this matter.

The latest parenting challenge is dealing with emerging adults who have no intention of leaving the nest. Many 19- to 29-year-olds either return home after college or they've never even left home. The media refers to them as "Boomerang Kids." Parents are worried that their kids won't leave home.

Young adults are indeed becoming more difficult to coax out of their comfy childhood homes. Recently, the number of 26-year-olds still living at home has tripled! Here are the top 4 factors contributing to this change:

1. They Are Unprepared

They are overwhelmed or unmotivated to live independently. They would rather play it safe by occupying the family home, playing computer games and delivering pizza. These kids often grow up living the life of the privileged. Here, well-meaning parents provide their children with all the amenities congruent with an affluent lifestyle. The parents are focused on doing more for their children than what their parents did for them – at the expense of keeping them dependent. Kids don't move out because they've got it made!

When your financial generosity isn't combined with teaching kids how to become self-sufficient at an early age, we cannot expect them to automatically possess adequate life skills when they reach legal adulthood. How will they gain the skills to confidently live their own life when they haven't had the opportunity to do things for themselves? 

2. They Are Cautious or Clueless

They are committed, but unsure how to discover their ideal career path. They approach college with the same trial and error mindset their parents had only to find out that it no longer prepares them for today's competitive world.

Parents do their kids a disservice by waiting until they are 17 or 18 before initiating career-related discussions. In our dynamic society where change is a daily diet, this is much too late! It's best to start young, at age 13. This stage of development is the perfect time to begin connecting the dots between what they love to do and possible career options. It can take years to prepare for the perfect career. Beginning early will help teens maximize their opportunities in high school and make college a much better investment.

3. They Have Personal Problems

They don't have effective life coping skills, have failed relationships or are grieving some other loss or wrestling with a challenging life event. If your teen is struggling emotionally, don't make the mistake of thinking it will somehow magically get better without an intervention. Tough love requires that you insist your adolescent get professional help so that he or she can move forward. If you don't know how to have that kind of conversation, consider getting help from a parenting expert.

4. They Have Mounting Debt

They've accumulated significant credit card debt and moving back in with their parents is a way to pay it off. According to the National Credit Card Research Foundation, 55 percent of students ages 16 to 22 have at least one credit card. If your teen falls into this group, make sure you monitor spending together online. Helping your teen understand how to budget and manage credit cards will be important for handling a household budget in the future.

Kids can't learn to manage money if they don't have any or if parents always pay for everything. If your offspring moves back home, I recommend you charge a nominal amount for room and board. As an adult member of your household, it's important for your young adult to contribute to household chores and expenses.

If the purpose of your child's return home is to pay off bills or a college loan, have a realistic plan and stick to the plan to make sure your young adult moves out of the house.

Determine Goals and Stick to Them--

Most parents enjoy having their children visit and will consider offering some short-term help. However, indulging an adult child's inaction does not help your son or daughter begin his or her own life. If your child defaults on your agreement, be willing to enforce consequences to help him or her launch into responsible adulthood.

How do I get my over-achieving daughter to slow down?

"I have taken the quiz and surprisingly found that I was a severely over indulgent parent. This angers me because I didn't think...