She's got ADHD, Anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder , and Bipolar Disorder.

I have a 17 year old daughter who has been diagnoses with severe ADHD, anxiety and border-line bi-polar. These past six months have been terrible. She's hanging out with terrible kids, she quit school, she hates her family and as her mom, I have tried several drugs, including Strattera, which she just started, and she is miserable.

Anyone with authority, including family, teachers, anyone, she does not tolerate. I'm trying to get her tutored so she can graduate, she thinks it's no big deal, feels entitled to get her car back on the road, get a new cell phone, etc. I'm at my wit's end, I don't know what to do with her, she threatens to move out daily, she is not even 18 (in a few weeks), she's a know-it-all and I cannot reason with this child at all, she is illogical and will not listen and everyone is making her life miserable and nothing is her fault.

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

She's a Shoplifter!

Thank you Mark!

I am having some issues right now with my 16 yr old daughter, D_____. I may give you a call today. I am a single mother. Her father lives across the state in Memphis and is uninvolved. She is really a good kid with moments of complete stupidity. She is extremely intelligent, sensitive, caring and beautiful. She has been on the high school dance team for 3 years now. She takes honors and ap classes, although she has struggled all year. Self-discipline and motivation seem to be her obstacles. She is not a child that I would call blatantly rebellious. It's almost like she does well for a while and then seems to fall back into self-sabotage. She then moves on and is good for a while and then trouble. It seems to be a vicious cycle. Here are some of the issues that we've dealt with over the past 3 years:

- Underage drinking (huge problem with most of the kids around here). This seems to be improving though.

- Lying (consistent pattern)

- Sneaking out (twice that I know of....busted in the act once)

- Shoplifted earrings 2 yrs ago while visiting my brother and sister in law in Nashville. She was caught by the store security. He scared her pretty badly but they did not prosecute. This was a very traumatic event for all of us. We were stunned.

- Turning homework in late or just blowing it off occasionally. Typical example: All grades turned in are As and Bs. Then there will be a 0 here and there, which drops her grade dramatically.

- Periods of apathy, difficulty sleeping. She is on an anti-depressant and sees a counselor some but not regularly.

- 3 wrecks in the first 6 mos of driving. She has her own car....a 1996 Pathfinder that I found in great condition. The first wreck was probably unavoidable. The second one she backed into my neighbor's car in the parking lot of our condo. The third (last week) was from changing lanes and someone was in her blind spot. She did not look over her shoulder. This happened 5 days after we had gotten her car back from being fixed, from the first wreck. Her car is drivable and I have told her that she will have to pay to get it fixed. She is planning to get a job at the end of the month. (She has mono right now.) I am just praying that the insurance does not drop her. I have told her that, when the policy renews and the rates go up, that she will have to pay the difference.

- Unorganized and a tendency to lose things. Room is a mess. She cleans it up and it is a mess again with 1 day. Last year she lost her ipod, my digital camera and a Northface jacket within about a 6 mo period. I no longer by her anything expensive.

- And now for the current issue: She went shopping on Monday just to look at clothes. She did not have money to spend right now. On Tuesday, I discovered some new clothes in her room. I questioned her about it and she said that she had enough money for one thing and the other clothes belonged to her friend. I knew she was lying. My first thought was that she possibly wrote a bad check. However after investigating, I could not find any bags, receipts or evidence of her writing a check. My fear was that she stole the clothes. After confronting her last night, she confessed that she took them. Old Navy: shoes, a dress, a bathing suit. Kohls: flip flops, a bathing suit, a bra and a pair of shorts. She then tells me that she took care of it after school and took all of the clothes back to the stores and told the managers she shoplifted them. I didn't believe her and left the house shortly after our conversation. I drove straight to Old Navy and talked to the manager. She did not bring anything back there. Then I went to Kohls....same story. I told both managers that I would be back with her today to return the items. She has worn the dress and shoes, so we will have to pay for those. I am planning to take her to both stores this afternoon after school. She is bringing the clothes home. They are in her locker. Both places told me last night that they would talk to her but would probably not involve the police. Had she been caught in the act, they would have called them. I am just really worried about her and want to do the right thing. I am also extremely disappointed in her, as she knows the difference between right and wrong.

I've practically read all of the printable info from your website. I realize a lot of things I have been doing wrong. I am committed to changing my methods! Thank you so much for what you are doing. I can see it has made a difference in a lot of lives.

Thank you,

E.

----------

Hi E.,

I think you're right on track with how to handle this one.

Most teens shoplift because they:

·think the store can afford the loss
·think they won't get caught
·don't know how to handle temptation when faced with things they want
·feel peer-pressure to shoplift
·don't know how to work through feelings of anger, depression, unattractiveness, or lack of acceptance

In any event, take your daughter back to the store and find the manager. Then have your daughter confess, apologize, make restitution (i.e., pay for the items she took), and accept any legal consequences.

Know that once teenagers steal, it is easier for them to steal again. If police arrest teens for stealing, especially shoplifting, it is rarely their first time.

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

He can smell the stink of it...

I want to thank you for the email advice and the chance to review material that has helped us. I have to admit we haven't gone step-by-step through the plan; however, just reading and taking different paths during problematic times along with knowing I have support has been so much help. In addition to the material, we do have our son in counseling -- not sure what the outcome will be; but a step we had to take rather than not to and wonder if it could have helped some. We did put our son on medication.

My son has been in and out of dr. apts to the point of almost disappointment. However, after several med changes, we have found one that appears to help him. I know this is not a complete cure, I know he may grow immune to the regimen, but it has given us time to let our guard down at home and work with our son. I never wanted to put my son on anything that could hurt his system and didn't want to because of the many articles you read making a parent almost feel guilty in doing so - but the combination of items is helping us to recover.

Our situation isn't gone and there are days that go downhill, but my son is happier! Our home is more relaxed. I did want to pass along a book title to others who may need to feel some comfort is the Dance of Defiance; a mother and son journey.

Here is my question - and need some advice quickly.

Despite all of the behavioral problems, school trouble, and rebellion, I haven't ever worried about my son smoking, drinking or doing drugs. At this point, (13 years old) he makes comments about headaches from smoke and doesn't like the taste of alcohol. However, like any child without defiance issues, the peer pressure is there to do so.

My son has been given more responsibility and privileges due to positive behavior and has shown significant improvement in his school grades. We also have gone for 8 weeks without a school phone call or detention.

In the earned privileges is the ability to go to his friend's house and spend the night. A couple weeks ago, he stayed the day there and appeared to have a good time - along with going out to play ice hockey with friends. A few days later he told me his friend's sister smokes pot in her bedroom and he can smell the stink of it. I am torn as to what to do now.

The friend has been a friend of my son's for the past few years; it isn't a new relationship. The boy happens to live with his sister with their grandmother. The boy's mother did live with them but moved out with a fiance in another school district and so the kids stayed so as not to change schools. I know the grandmother and mother but they do not have home phones to call and talk - only cell phones. And, do I know actually the daughter is smoking pot?? My son did not show any interest in or didn't talk about "hanging out" with the sister when at the house.

I feel as a parent I shouldn't let my son go over any more. I feel like I should say something but short of driving to their home to talk it isn't as easy as picking up the phone. The other side of me says my son has shown responsibility and is not influenced by the situation - so is it up to me to tell the grandmother her granddaughter smokes pot in her bedroom. I am also torn to tell my son he can't go anymore and not tell him why. I don't feel it necessary to lie to him at 13; and should I tell him the truth he may not confide in us any longer (when I really need him to feel comfortable to do so). And, talking to the family could create a situation at school for my son, which would ultimately against widen the trust factor in my son's mind against us.

What to do next? This situation could turn us upside down after the progress we made going forward - am I gaining anything?

Please provide your thoughts.

__________

Hi K.,

Weighing everything together, I think your son should be allowed to see his friend.

Educate yourself completely about drugs so you will be able to identify any warning signs that your son is abusing drugs: www.nida.nih.gov

Keep a sharp eye out. If you feel he’s getting caught up in something, then intervene regardless of your son’s relationship with his buddy.

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com