We Kicked Her Out

Hi Mark,

I was the mother who had the question about my 18 year old. I did purchase your ebook and read it cover to cover yesterday. We are the parents who ended up kicking our daughter out because of lack of respect. She kept going out and would not call to let us know where she was even though we asked her time and time again. She would sleep over at a friend’s house 2-3 times in one weekend to get out of her curfew. We would ask her to help out around the house and gave her specific chores, but they were never done. We do not believe a word she says.

She has started dating a kid who she dated in the past and he has treated her poorly. He is a very jealous kid and we do not condone her seeing him. Since we kicked her out, we have found out that she has lied to us again. I know that we have to confront her about this lie and she has to pay the consequence. She lied about going on a field trip for school, which we paid for. She ended up skipping school that day and someone else went in her place. The trip was $40.00. So, therefore, she owes us $40.00 since she did not go and got reimbursed from the kid who took her place. She also owes us about $500.00 for things that added up when she was out of a job in Feb and March. I wanted her to start paying me back at least $20 to $30.00 a paycheck when she started working again. She has now gotten 3 paychecks and not one dime has come my way.

I also plan on telling her in a calm manner that we are unhappy with her behavior. In the past she would push my buttons and I would get extremely upset, but I know now that was wrong. This bad behavior started years ago, but was pretty much manageable, we thought, up until just recently. Apparently we were wrong.

About three years ago she started sneaking out at night and after months of doing this she got caught. We found out about it and she stopped for a while. We then found out she snuck out again and was brought home by the cops. Only for her and her boyfriend at the time to tell us she might be pregnant, and they were sneaking out to get a pregnancy kit. Thank god she was not pregnant and thankfully she finally saw the light about not dating him again.

She wanted to continue seeing him but we said "no". This basically is when the problems began. My husband cannot forgive her for this since she gave up her virginity plus snuck out on us. Grant it, it took me a long time to forgive her, but I moved on and took her to the gynecologist and tried my best to hold my anger and emotion inside of me.

Now I am wondering if kicking her out was such a good idea. We wanted to send a message. But she has such a chip on her shoulder I do not know if it will work. I have only spoken briefly with her since she left and plan on talking with her tonight. I want her to start counseling again, and like I said, want to talk to her in a calm manner. What do you think??

Thanks,

D.

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Well …first, counseling will be a waste of time and money.

Second, you did the right thing here (i.e., kicking her out). I would simply do the following:

1. Tell her that the door is always open as long as she agrees to comply with house rules.

2. State the house rules as well as the consequences for violating the rules.

3. Follow through with the consequences if she violates any house rule.

My best guess is that she will not agree to your house rules, in which case, she chooses to live elsewhere (which would be perfectly acceptable since she is an adult now). 

 

Mark 

Is your son a computer hacker?

Three teenagers face felony charges for allegedly hacking into their school computer system to "fix" grades — not for themselves but for friends.

The 16-year-olds are enrolled in advanced computer classes at Bay High School, and sheriff's investigator Paul Vecker said they didn't need to change their own grades.

"These are three young men who are quite intelligent," he said.

Vecker said they mostly changed friends' grades by small increments to avoid notice. However, they allegedly made a big change for one junior, who reportedly would've failed if her grade hadn't been changed from an F to a B, investigators said.

The school contacted the Bay County sheriff's office on Thursday.

One of the teens is charged with offense against intellectual property and the other two face charges of being principal to offense against intellectual property. 

A county juvenile detention supervisor said Saturday he couldn't say if they had been released on bail because of privacy laws protecting juveniles.

Teenage daughter's behavior is getting worse...

Mark, Thanks. A quick update -- I wrote four house rules and gave the paper to her (I'll add more rules later but thought I'd keep it simple for now).

1. Bedtime 11:00 pm.
2. Two hours limit on internet time, no computer after 10:00 pm.
3. No going off with friends without permission - no exceptions - and must
obey curfew.
4. No seeing boyfriend without direct supervision.

Not following the above entails 3 days grounding. Violating grounding entails additional consequences (which I didn't specify - in the long term I'm thinking of no drivers' license at 16 and no JROTC next year if her behavior doesn't change). What do you think?

>>>>>>>>>>>>> I’m not sure the self-reliance concept is sinking in. Will withholding JROTC and a driver’s license foster the development of self-reliance or dependency? Answer: Dependency. Thus: Bad decision.

>>>>>>>>>>> Just stick with the 3-day-discipline principles. If she violates the discipline, just look at your watch and re-start it – don’t tack-on more consequences. If restrictions start to pile up, she’ll not be able to see any light at the end of the tunnel, and as a result, will adopt the “fuck-it” attitude (i.e., she’ll be so despondent that she will not cooperate on anything whatsoever).

As you predicted, it's getting worse before it gets better. She violated the computer and bedtime rules and had a meltdown, yelling and cursing and calling me "billy bad-ass" and screaming "you are a terrible mother, you never should have had me" and promising to make my life "hell" when I told her she cannot see the boyfriend after school. She yelled so loudly I was afraid the neighbors would call the police. But she's cell phone-less and
computer-less for 3 days.

>>>>>>>>>> Believe me when I tell you that this is a good thing. It tells me that positive change is occurring – and change is painful. But it will be well worth the effort in the long run. Don’t back down!

Mark

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents