Things have gradually become a lot worse...

Dear Mark,

I would be grateful for any advice you could give me regarding my daughter, E___:

E___ is just 18 and has a younger brother (M___) age 15, she lives at home with both parents (myself & my husband) - we are both doctors and I have worked during their childhood.

She has always been very bright & done well academically at school but has found it hard to make friends. This is in contrast to her brother who finds schoolwork hard going but is very popular and easy-going. This led to problems in their childhoods, as various nannies & carers have found M___ much easier.

We have had a turbulent few teenage years but things have gradually become a lot worse with a number of problems -

Driving: she has the use of a car and has had 2 serious accidents - both her fault; and around 6 minor bumps all of which she refuses to take responsibility for. She has been on an advanced driving course and her car use restricted.

>>>>>>>>>> What does she do to earn car privileges? What is she doing to earn some money to help pay for damages to vehicles? How long is her use of the car restricted (should go no more than 7 days)?

Stealing: strongly suspect she has taken cash from me, husband & brother, also I am worried she has taken trinkets etc from shops - I have no proof and she vehemently denies it though.

>>>>>>>>>>> No proof = no consequence.

School: she has always wanted to be a vet and has an offer from the Royal Vet College (which means she has to get prescribed results in her A levels, which start on Monday) - she started to get fed up with the continual exams we now have in the UK education system about 18 months ago, which has led to a gradual decline in her work to such an extent that we don't think she will get the grades she needs.

>>>>>>>>>> If poor academic performance is a source of parent-child conflict, then please see the recommendation outlined in “Emails From Exasperated Parents” (online version of the eBook).

Her 18th birthday (May 2) was lovely - we had a celebration with relatives and then she went out with her friends, but since then she has become very angry and resentful - she often tells me what a bad mother I was, always tired from work and shouting at her - which unfortunately may be partly true. She makes hurtful personal remarks to all of us. She over-reacts in response to trivial comments and swears at all of us. She has become intractable over house rules. She now says she no longer wants to be a vet & doesn't care about her exams.

>>>>>>>>>> Re: hurtful, personal remarks— Use the strategy “When You Want Something From Your Kid” (Anger Management chapter of the online version of the eBook).

We did have some success with your methods, but we are very worried now - she is 18, & supposedly an adult, so we feel we have to give her some leeway, but how do we draw the line - can we put a lot of this down to exam pressure?

>>>>>>>>>> As long as she is living in your house, she should abide by your house rules. So in this sense, there is no “leeway.” Leeway = over-indulgence. How is she preparing to launch (i.e., to leave the nest)? What is the deadline for her to be out on her own? Remember, we want to promote the development of self-reliance – not dependency.

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

A Little Drinking, Sex, and Curfew Violation

Dear Mark,I totally appreciate your e-book and study almost everyday. We are in the middle of the battle with a 17 year old daughter and we are staying above water. If you could help me with a few questions.

She has snuck out twice. The second time at her dad's where she thought she would not get caught. This time it was a little drinking, sex, and out the whole nig  This boy wants to marry and he is trouble. My daughter has always been very quite and made A's, B's in school …now, mostly C's and wants to live with him and his mother. They have no rules or structure in their home and he is constantly telling my daughter I am the enemy and I am horrible. When I get off track with how to react, I go back to the guidelines you have set up in your e-book and start over.

The question is this boy? We, her dad, step-dad and myself, do not want her seeing him and we want her to get back on track with studies and what she needs to do to head for college. Do you have anymore wisdom for me? We have been advised to get family counseling. My daughter does not want anything to do with it.  HELP! Ms. B.

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Hi Ms. B.,

You have a Romeo & Juliet phenomenon on your hands that will need to be diffused (if not, they will continue to work harder at sneaking their rendezvous behind your back).

Unfortunately, if your daughter wants to be with someone -- she'll find a way, no matter what you say or do. Parents can only guide their children in the right direction and hope for the best. If they do a good job, their daughter will make the right decision all on her own. 

 

Since you will not be successful at keeping those two apart, you must adopt a philosophy of if you can’t beat ‘em - join ‘em. In other words, they should be able to see one another within limits, and you decide what those limits are. Maybe your limits will look something like this:

· They can be together at your house only during those times that you are home and can monitor their behavior (if not, he has to leave)

· Or you could schedule some activity for them in which you would be a distant chaperon (e.g., take them to a shopping plaza and tell them to meet you back at the coffee shop in exactly one hour)

· Or your daughter is allowed to go over to her boyfriend’s house for a designated time period (if she violates the time limit, there is a consequence that is commensurate with the “crime”)

Figure out a way for your daughter to see her boyfriend in a way that will keep her safe. This is the best you will be able to do.

Mark

 

How much longer will you tolerate dishonesty and disrespect? How many more temper tantrums and arguments will you endure? Have you wasted a lot of time and energy trying to make your child change?  ==> If so, then this may be the most important article you'll ever read!