Are You Making a Bad Problem Worse?!

Hi Mark,

First, thanks for your great ebook and website. I realise I had been very unclear as a parent and started on the assignments with a sense of relief. Things did get worse before they got better but I am very pleased that I did not lose my cool or get drawn into arguments and we started to settle down and my 11 year old son S__ said that he felt so much better because he knew where he stood.

But our new-found calm was shattered by something that happened at school. A boy accused my son of something that he did not do and said that he was going to fight him. S__ alerted a member of staff but they didn't act in time and S__ got beaten up. Since then he has not been back to school.

The school has been apologetic and admits that they let S__ down by not acting quickly enough. They have offered various strategies to try and settle him back into school but he is hysterical at the thought of going back.

As I want S__ to be happy and to feel he has some choice in the matter, this is what I am doing. (we live in the UK, by the way.) The Education Welfare Officer has been to see us and has suggested two other schools that might be better for S__, so we are going to see these schools. She has also put me in touch with a network of people who educate their children at home so I can see what's involved. This is my least favourite option as I am a freelance writer/editor and I work from home, so I'm quite worried about combining the two things. But home education is S__'s favourite option. I am also going back to talk to his original school, though S__ is refusing to come with me.

We are coming up to school holidays so there will be a bit of breathing space, but I am just very worried about S__ because he seems so depressed. Every bit of confidence has been knocked out of him. He won't go outside the house in case anyone asks him why he isn't at school or looks at him oddly. He is so unhappy. I too am unhappy and depressed and can barely drag myself out of bed in the morning. We are both completely demotivated.

I did try taking him bowling to cheer him up, but it didn't work as he seemed to have lost the knack and felt even worse about himself. I need to find some ideas to boost his confidence. He has stopped looking after his pets, which is putting a real strain on me. The only thing we are managing to do every day is walk the dog.

I have a daughter who is 14 and happy at school but I feel bad that I'm not giving her enough attention.

The children's father died three and a half years ago.

S__ and I do talk, but he tends to speak in sweeping generalisations so that there's nothing I can focus on to help with, eg 'my life is over' 'my life is ruined' 'I'll never be the S__e again'.

I have found a counsellor who he will speak to and he has seen her twice, but because these are confidential sessions I don't really know what's happening - although I do know she will be talking to him about his education next week.

Click here for my response...

How is it going to work?

Hi Mr. Hutten,

This is Patty and I just purchased your e-book on out of control teens. I have some questions. For online presentations and support do I just go to the website? Do I need a password? How is it going to work? Do I automatically have access? I am confused.

Please let me know thank you.

Patty

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Hi Patty,

For Online Presentations, go to the Online Version of the eBook.

Re: support. There are 3 ways to get support—

1) You can go to the website and type a question in the chat room. If you have questions about medication, direct your question to David McLaughlin, MD. If you have questions about a specific child or adolescent mental disorder, direct your question to Julie Kennedy, Ph.D. Direct all other questions to me. We usually return your chat messages within 24 hours.

2) You can go to the website and type your question in the text box where it reads Post to Online Parent Support Blog. Here you will get feedback from other parents going through much of the same parent-child problems as you.

3) You can email me.

You do not need a password. Just go to the Online Version of the eBook. You'll land on the Contents page. Start with "Introduction."

If you have any other questions, don't hesitate to email me.

Mark

Online Parent Support

I heard two thuds in the house...

Have recently signed up and have been reading and trying to implement some of your ideas. Today was not a good day at all. My son has a fixation on the xbox system and spending money to enhance his game supply. Today while trying to visit my mother who is in the hospital, and taking my father along, (both in their 80's). L originally said he would go for the visit, now refused to go because he did not get his way of wanting me to spend money on a second TV to enhance his X box lan system to show off to his friends what he has. After I said no, and left to pick up my father, outside, I heard two thuds in the house, I've heard these before and knew that he had just busted either the thermostat or the phone off the wall, it was the phone. He denied doing it on purpose… he said he fell going back to his room, tripping on his pj's.

My brother has been trying to see my side of the story for many years as most of the family on both sides say that we have not raised him right. My brother has now seen the light but I still feel he thinks that we are at fault for his disorder. Diagnosis ADHD, ODD, BIPOLAR AND PDD.

Meds have not helped at all although we keep trying to find something to mellow his anger, we are never right and he IS always right, we know nothing, he knows everything. After this episode and talking with my brother as well as L talking to my brother there was no remorse for his behavior or even any thoughts that I missed seeing my mother at the hospital, L’s thoughts of not getting his way took priority over my mother and father. When we brought this up to him he started to feel bad but the TV came right back up to the forefront of the conversation. This lasted for about two hours.

The family consists of me the father, my wife, daughter 16 and L 19, 20 in November. Daughter is an A student and says to get rid of him. I feel that she as lost so much because we have had to put so much time into his bad behavior, wants and needs. It turns my stomach to take him to the hospital as a 302, but every one says I should not have to put up with this type of behavior any more, and let him go residential.

I have been a staunch advocate for L, knowing there is a good side, but 95% of the time I'm running myself ragged and having to put up with his behavior problems that our family life is going to hell.

I'm going to continue to read but ------

Thoughts from you would be helpful.

L.

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Hi L.,

This sounds like all the other stories I hear. You are not alone. In fact, you would shocked to know just how many other parents are going through the same nightmare.

I think the best advice I can give you today is to simply continue to work the program – one week at a time. According to your invoice, you should be digesting Session #2 this week and preparing to implement Session #2 assignments.

Once you get through the four-week program, please email me again with some specific questions.

Thanks,

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen