Teens & Tobacco Use

Hi Mark, 

We’ve been using your e-book strategies and they have been extremely helpful. Thank you. What does one do when your child is smoking cigarettes (tobacco)? 

Regards, S.

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Hi S.,

Teens seem to be more abrasive when smoking, or they feel like they are older and wiser when they smoke. We now see a lot of teen smokers giving each other rewards in social aspects such as conversations, companionship, and other common social contacts. 

Research has proven the fact that nicotine has the ability to suppress feelings, suppress appetite for food, is used as stimulation after sex, and is a good way to relax from troubles and feelings of insecurities. 

Teens like to act as if they are someone special or dangerous. By smoking, they can act on those feelings. Because it is so forbidden, it becomes more alluring to teens. The problem is that when they take that first puff, they can become addicted. The idea that they are breaking the law or going against their parents and schools is an addiction within itself. 

Kids like to get attention -- it does not matter if it’s good attention or bad attention. They crave attention, and by smoking they get big attention. The other teens look at them in all kinds of ways, and the adults get upset and don’t know what to do.

Bottom line: You will not be able to stop your child from smoking. Pick your battles carefully - and this is not a battle you should fight. In fact, the more you worry about it or lecture your child, the more she/he will smoke! But you can stop her/him from smoking on YOUR property. Here's what you can say to your child:

"I can't keep you from damaging your health by smoking. But it's your health - not mine! However, I don't want you smoking in my house or anywhere on my property. If you choose to smoke on my property, you'll choose the consequence, which is grounding for 3 days without privileges (e.g., use of phone, T.V., computer, etc.)."

If your child smokes on your property, follow through with the consequence. If YOU smoke, keep your cigarettes with you at all times.

The less you worry about it and the less you focus on it, the less appeal smoking will have for your child.

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What do you advise when it comes to school? Do we let him fail?

Hi Mark

I need your advice if this is appropriate.

My son is 17 and should be graduating this year. He has skipped 60% of his classes this year and has done no homework so is failing all subjects. He is now scrambling, although again with the smallest amount of effort required and he continues to take short cuts and do the bare minimum to get on the grad list. We have always “nagged” for a lack of better terms for him to do his homework and of course, he did the opposite.

We are using incentives to get him to go to class (car privileges) and some additional perks for assignments to get done. When he can’t meet the goal, he says we are the worst parents etc… and you know how that goes. I am stupid and an idiot and standing in his way of graduating.

What do you advice when it comes to school? Do we let him fail? He just is not capable of doing this on his own.

One small example: His packsack has been in his friends car for a week. At the same time and he wants a $30 dollar haircut. I said he needs to get this packsack to be able to get a haircut and he makes every excuse as to why he has not yet got it.

Is he rebelling? Why would he do this if there is an incentive? HELP!

We have been working through your program but have not found anything that is related to this where there may be some key messages or examples of what to do in this regard.

Thank-you in advance for any advice you can provide.

S.

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Hi S.,

Actually, I do address this in the eBook. Please go to the page in the online version entitled “Emails From Exasperated Parents” [Session #4] and look for where it reads:

"My son brings home straight F's on his report cards. I ground him for the entire grading period, but he continues to fail in nearly all subjects. I know my son is a bright kid and can do the work when he wants to. What can I do to motivate him?" -- B. R.

This will answer your question. If you need further clarification, I’ll be glad to respond.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

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Thanks Mark

I had not got to this section yet and this does help. Just to confirm though, are we still able to offer incentives and consequences for homework and school or does this negate the objective of leaving them alone. We have two other sons who also are not motivated in school and we want to be able to influence them to do well in this regard. It is Soooo hard not to get involved when you see history begin to repeat itself.

I do not want to fall back into our previous parenting habits as it is clear they were not as successful as we intended them to be.

Thanks so much for any additional adivse you can provide, as appropriate.

S.

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Incentives for getting good grades and punishments for getting bad grades are "traditional" parenting strategies that have little - or no - positive outcome for the unconventional child (i.e., strong-willed, intense child).

I would encourage you to simply follow the recommendation outlined in the page I referenced earlier.

I had a mother in group going through the same thing. When I gave her the recommendation, I could tell that she felt the weight of the world being lifted off her shoulders. She finally had permission to NOT make her son's academic performance HER responsibility.

Oh ...as a side note, her son's grades went from D's and F's to B's and C's. Not perfect, but the parent-child conflict was greatly reduced - and he was at least passing classes.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen