Is it possible for this program to work when only one parent in the home is committed to this?

Hi K.,

Please look for the arrows throughout your email: ==>

On Tue, May 13, 2008 at 6:57 AM, K___ wrote:

Hello.

I purchased your e-book this morning and am excited to hopefully have found the tools I need to get back in control of my home, which has revolved around my oldest daughter, now 13, for years.

I'm not sure where to find the videos on the online version you reference in your email. Please tell me where I can find these.

==> Here's the link back to your original download site: My Out-of-Control Teen: eBook Download Site

When you get to that page, click where it reads Click Here to access the Online Version of the eBook.

Also, is it possible for this program to work when only one parent in the home is committed to this? My husband firmly believes this program is allowing her too much leniency. He has said he will take a completely "hands off" attitude with Amanda (our daughter) and allow me to try this program, but I am afraid his negative attitude towards it will only give her ammunition to use against me, and that, like so many other things I have tried, this too will fail.

==> Yes it is very possible. However, a weaker plan support by both parents is much better than a stronger plan supported by only one parent.

I can't fail again when it comes to regaining control. I'm at my wit's end. More days than not, I find myself wishing I could just run away and leave her for her dad to deal with. But I don't. I love her and keep trying every day to work with her. I'm a stay-at-home mom and her dad works 12 hour days and only sees her a few minutes a day. It is so frustrating to be told day in and day out that I'm doing it all wrong when he can't even deal with her the little bit of time he spends with her! So, please, if it is going to require BOTH me and her dad to work this program, tell me now so I can try to find another alternative.

==> I would also suggest that you and your husband divide up areas of responsibility and agree beforehand which one of you will have the final word in each particular area. You can then explain to your children which one of you will have the final word in each situation. If disagreements occur (as they inevitably will) you can discuss them in private. In front of your children, however, it will be clear who has the final word.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

My Daughter Is Refusing To Go To School

 Dear Mark, Thank you for your insight and for the help you offer. My daughter has problems with "school refusal". She is 15 and in ninth grade and we are in the last month of school. She has missed so much school and is now behind in her work with the threat of not getting credit for the year's work. She has been in a mental health facility for evaluation, (last week -- for seven days) getting new meds for severe depression, and getting her diabetes (high blood sugars) under control. (she has had diabetes since age 2). When Monday came around and it was expected of her to return to school (after two full weeks of absences) she would not get out of bed (again...same repeated behavior as before......... and then she sleeps all day for days). 

I went to the school and met with counselors, teachers, administrator etc and they have been very generous by sending home all of her work to complete at home -- just to finish out the month of May and get her credits. This is a wonderful generous offer from the school and now she will not have to attend school except to take tests. So when I (awakended) her and presented her with the good news of permission to finish the next three weeks on her own, she mumbled something and managed to get out of bed. 

==> JOIN Online Parent Support

I told her she could come up with her own plan of study by making a daily schedule to follow. (she thrives on structure; but she wants to make her schedule so I gave her that choice so she could feel that she had some control of the home study. (She has a time limit on making up work placed by the school....so time is of the essence) When I returned to the living room she was in front of the TV and I reminded her that she needed to be productive and get busy, and she said "not now" and kept watching TV. I told her she had to turn off the TV and get started with her school work, even if just planning her study sessions. She said, "I can start tomorrow" and ignored me. Well, I don't think she should be the one to decide "when" to start school with her being so behind. I got the TV control and blocked all TV watching with parental controls. She said "fine, I'll just sleep then" and went to bed again and has been asleep ever since. 

I have already taken away her cell phone and computer too .......from past episodes of disobedience or defiance. She doesn't care about her friends, so she says I can ground her for life or whatever, because she does not care. She has been sleeping for days and days until I had her hospitalized last week. She came home from the hospital with a new attitude. I was ecstatic. But come Monday morning, we're back in the bed....ignoring all responsibilites etc. This is her way of rebelling against my authority and ignoring my instructions. I have quit nagging, I promise. So now she just lays there. I am a single parent and the only authority figure in the home. I do I get her engaged into her own life again. K.

```````````````````

Hi K.,

First of all, I would caution you NOT to rush things. Please only do one session a week.

Having said that, school refusal, school avoidance, or school phobia, are terms used to describe the signs or anxiety a school-aged child has and his/her refusal to go to school. School refusal can be seen in three different types of situations, including the following:

· Distress

The final type of school refusal is seen in children who are truly distressed about leaving their parent and going to school. Usually, these children enjoy school but are too anxious about leaving their parents to attend.

· Fear

Older children may have school phobia based on a real fear of something that may happen to them at school, such as a bully or a teacher being rude. In this situation, it is important to talk with your child to determine what is causing his/her fears.

· Young children going to school for the first time

This is a normal type of school refusal. This develops with a child's normal separation anxiety, or uneasiness about leaving a parent figure. This type of fear usually goes away within a few days of the child attending school.

Since every child is unique, each situation will be handled on an individual basis. The following are some of the interventions that may be used to help your daughter:

· A referral to a child psychologist or psychiatrist may be necessary.

· Allow the child to speak and talk about her concerns and fears.

· Consider family counseling if other problems exist.

· Return the child to school. Make sure the school officials understand the situation and do not send the child home for the wrong reasons.

· Slowly separating the parent from the child in school may also be used. One approach is to have the parent sit with the child in the classroom at first, and then the parent may attend school, but sit in another room. Next, the parent may continue to get farther away.

Alternatively, you may want to consider an alternative school. Although you may be hard-pressed to document why your daughter needs to be in the alternative school now (as opposed to staying on the waiting list), I suggest that you request a core evaluation for her as guaranteed by federal law for any public school child who may have learning disabilities or special needs that warrant an alternative and/or specialized educational plan.

In your daughter's case, if you can provide convincing psychiatric documentation that she cannot be educated in this school system due to the stress she experiences, you may be able to have her placed in the alternative school as a result of her condition being deemed an educational special need. Get a therapist who has experience advocating for kids in this situation -- his testimony and reputation will play a major role in this plan.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

==> JOIN Online Parent Support

"She first had sex at 15..."

Dear Mark, I've watched and started implementing Week One Tutorials & Assignments. My problem has been specifically that I discovered my 16, almost 17 year old daughter has been having sex with just anybody and posting intimate pictures of herself on the internet and inviting men to contact her for sex. She now has a boyfriend (he doesn't know what she's been up to and is more innocent than she is). I fear is also engaging in sexual activity with him. She first had sex at 15 when she went away with a friend and her parents on holiday. This was the first time she'd ever been allowed away and I had trusted that this family would watch out for her as I would have watched out for their daughter. When she came home, she'd got involved with a very unpleasant 19 year old (only in the last 3 days of a 6 day holiday). 

 I had to try to put a stop to it, which I thought I'd done, but today she left her computer on, and I saw a recent message from him. She denied sex with him at the time, and was so convincing, I actually felt guilty for doubting her. Had I known then, I would have gone to the police, but the police won't want to know now, especially as she's no longer an innocent. Interestingly enough, all her friends thought he was hideous and certainly didn't admire her for going with him. I only recently discovered all this, and was shocked, angry and despairing and told her that she came close to being thrown out for trashing the values of this family. I'm a stay at home mum and have been married 25 years to her father. I initially took away the computer for a week and then she said she wouldn't misuse it anymore and only go on Facebook where she can only be contacted by friends. I now suspect this might also be a lie, since discovering the latest message. 

==> Effective Disciplinary Techniques for Defiant Teens and Preteens

 Then I found your site and I realise I've been an over-indulgent parent and she's a textbook case of an over-indulged kid, except that she has low self-esteem, as she's carrying about 42lbs more than she should. I'm encouraging her to lose this by taking her exercising, but think she's eating sweets while at school - maybe using lunch money. I've been watching the videos and have started learning week two. Today I found a large bottle of alcoholic drink (empty) at the back of her wardrobe, covered with clothes and when I checked for other bottles in her drawers, I found some very unattractive panties from a sex shop or somewhere like that. My main concern is to try to turn her behaviour around before she throws away her life. I'm prepared to do 'poker face' when confronting her with these items. I know she's going to lie and get mad about going through her things. She's right in the middle of very important exams which will determine if she can go to college and I really want her to do well. Can you give me some advice? Regards, A.

````````````````````````````

Hi A.,

Re: potential alcohol abuse.

Please refer to the section of the eBook [online version – session #4] entitled Emails From Exasperated Parents.

Re: sex & poor self-esteem.

Here’s an email to your daughter (if you think she would actually read it without being offended). She doesn’t have to know it came from me. Maybe you can figure out some way to get her to read it:

Having low self-esteem can have a strong effect upon your personal relationships, especially when it comes to sex. The good news is you can get over it.

Have you ever:

• Had sex with someone because you thought they'd accuse you of being frigid or scared if you didn't?
• Thought that having sex with someone would mean they'd like you more?
• Had sex so you'd appear more popular, desirable, or cooler to your friends?
• Stayed in a relationship with someone who didn't treat you right because you thought you couldn't do any better, or were scared of being alone?

If you've answered yes to any of the above, it's likely that you're suffering from low self-esteem. Perhaps you don't have the confidence to say exactly what you feel for fear of how you'll come across.

So what is high self-esteem?

To put it simply, it means liking yourself. This doesn't mean you have be ultra-confident and cocky, but if you have a good opinion of you, you don't need reassurance from others. The key to good self-esteem is positive affirmation - telling yourself things that make you feel good about yourself, like 'I am attractive' or 'I am in charge of my life'."

Low self-esteem can be caused by many different factors. You might be lonely, or feeling unattractive or maybe you're being bullied. And if you don't feel confident, it means you can't say no and the vicious circle begins. You end up making bad decisions because you don't feel good about yourself. That's why you might have sex when you don't really want to: you want to be liked but, as you probably know already, that's not the best reason to have sex.

If other people know you have low self-esteem, you are also more prone to being pushed into doing things you don't want to do (drugs, sex, smoking) or being bullied. In extreme cases, having low self-esteem makes you more vulnerable to abusive relationships. The majority of victims are girls whose lack of confidence attracts these controlling boyfriends. In these relationships, many girls lose their confidence and are unable to assert their views, for example, if he won't wear a condom. If you're confident, it means you can say 'no condom, no sex!' If you're nervous, you won't be able to say boo to a goose, never mind no to your partner.

Take action

First of all, think about why you don't feel good. If you're conscious of your appearance, the key is to stop comparing yourself to the models in magazines or the prettiest girl/best-looking guy at school. Everyone is unique and we can't all be Kylies and Brads.

If you're feeling lonely, it's time to build on the friendships you have - you might even find that you're not alone in the way you feel. Having a strong family or friends network can do wonders for your well-being and will also stop you feeling depressed.

When it comes to sex, you have to look out for number one. Put your self-interest first. If someone is putting pressure on you to do something you're uncomfortable with, then try to get out of that situation immediately. For example, say you feel ill, or that you need to get home, or just say you're not ready. Once you're away from that scenario, you can think about what you want for yourself in this relationship. And if your boyfriend or girlfriend won't listen to and respect your feelings then it's time to say goodbye. Remember, you're a valuable human being and your body is for your pleasure.'

So next time you're in a difficult situation, take a step back and tell yourself you deserve better and that no-one has the right to tell you what to do, especially with something as personal as sex. It is your body and you're in charge of it.

==> Effective Disciplinary Techniques for Defiant Teens and Preteens