I know I'm too soft!

Thank you Mark for contacting me, I am trying very hard to do as you say, and most of the time I'm doing really well but i know I'm too soft!

My eldest daughter isn't really naughty, its just the stuff that comes out of her mouth, she does not swear, its just the disrespect and her telling me when she is going to do something. She asked me this weekend if she could go on a sleep over i said no because of the way she had acted shouting and arguing.

She was really upset and really didn't think she had done anything wrong. how do i make her see that she is doing wrong? …also she has ADHD but very mild …there is no reasoning with her.

Many thanks M.

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Hi M.,

The strategy that applies here is the one entitled “When You Want Something From Your Kid” (online version – session #3). In this case, you want her to accept a consequence for her choice to shout and argue.

Let me know if you need any clarification after reviewing the strategy listed above.

Mark

Online Parent Support

Teens & Tiredness

Hi Mark,

K's current problems are - bad sleep patterns, and not spending enough time on his study (in fact, almost no time).

Given the success of using the program for his other behaviours (still ups and downs, but he has actually modified his behaviour because of this program), I would like to state these rules & consequences:

1. No sleeping after school (or during the day on weekends). Consequence - phone disabled for 24 hours.

2. At least 1.5 hrs of study per night - in a way that is transparent. that is, when I look in on him, he should be entirely open about what homework he is doing. If he doesn't do enough time, or refuses to tell me what he is doing - Consequence - phone disabled for 24 hrs.

He had a blood test to rule out a medical cause for his tiredness (we get the results in a couple of days) - obviously if there is medical issue and the doctor says he needs more rest, I wouldn't have this rule, but I am confident that won't be the case, and I would like to have clear plan and clear expectations starting from next week.

Click here for my response...

Son is angry, failing in school, & refusing to go to school...

My son is always angry. He hates school and his grades are falling, He does not want to go to school …he is in grade 10. He is angry all the time. What can I do?

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Hi G.,

Re: …grades are failing.

This is covered in the eBook [online version]. Please look for the section entitled “Read these Emails from Exasperated Parents” …then scroll to the bottom where we discuss poor academic performance.

Re: …does not want to go to school.

School refusal is equally common among boys and girls and is most likely to occur between age 5 to 11. Incidence of school refusal is highest when schools reopen after summer.

School refusal is defined as the behavior of resisting or refusing to attend a specific class or to stay in school for an entire day. Such school refusal may be accompanied by one or more of the following behaviors: complaints about stomach pain, headache, or nausea before or during school; crying before and during school; frequent visits to the school nurse; temper tantrums; specific fears; anxiety or sadness.

Truants otherwise tend to be compliant, well-behaved, and academically smart kids. Unlike truants, they stay home only with their moms & dads' knowledge. Generally, they have a close relationship with one or both moms & dads. Overall, they are good kids. So the question arises why does a youngster who wants to comply with the moms & dads' wishes and be good, drive them nuts in the morning when it's time to get ready for school?

Kids refuse to go to school for a reason, and we moms & dads should determine what that reason is.

Some kids refuse to go to school because they are overly anxious. Some may have specific fears or concerns regarding teachers, peers, or some other aspects of the school setting. Others may consciously or unconsciously worry, not about the school as such, but about being away from home. Some overanxious kids are afraid to sleep on their own, insist on having lights on in their room at night, and have nightmares about their safety or the safety of their moms & dads.

Kids who are overanxious about something at school or home need to be gradually exposed to the situation they want to avoid. Offer them emotional support and encouragement. They need to develop better means to cope with situations that provoke anxiety.

Truants tend to feel that others see them in a negative way. They become unduly self-conscious and avoid social situations in which they fear others may criticize them or make fun of them behind their back. Some have negative and troublesome relationships with their peers, and are, perhaps, teased by mischievous kids or harassed by a bully.

For kids who refuse to go to school in order to avoid a difficult social encounter, teach them effective social behaviors such as, learning to say "no" assertively, seeking help from adults, and making new friends. Seek help from school authorities if there is a genuine concern for the safety of your youngster.

In some cases, school refusal starts out with kids experiencing discomfort in the school setting, but as time goes on, they develop a liking for staying home. It dawns on them how much more fun it is to stay home than to go to school and do the "boring stuff." For example, when "Jake is allowed to stay home, he stays in bed for longer hours, plays with toys or watches TV, and gets to visit his grandparents during the day. If I were Jake, I sure would like to stay home day after day, wouldn't you?

Don't make staying home more rewarding than going to school. Eliminate or reduce all incentives for staying home. On the contrary, attach rewards and incentives to going to school and staying there throughout the school hours.

Some teens suddenly become reluctant to go to school because of an appearance and self-esteem problem, or social "image" problem prompted by a school rumor or being let down by a friend. They need appropriate skills and parental support to deal with such situations. Openness in communication and closeness with moms & dads can be really helpful.

Some kids are clinically depressed and experience significant difficulty in getting up and getting out of bed in the morning. Kids who are clinically depressed or who suffer from an anxiety disorder need professional help. Some medications cause sluggishness and may make it difficult for a youngster to be alert and active in morning. In such event, consult your doc.

Having investigated the possible causes and offered your support as a parent, you may have to "push" your youngster out to school. You may have to learn to ignore the tantrums, complaints, and the pleading to "let me stay home just for today."

Mark Hutten, M.A.

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