Son On Drugs

Hi Mark

Just an update on what is going on with my son C__. C__ is on drugs and a friend of his mother signed for a lease on a townhouse for him to move out. It is party central there. C__ phoned me at work the other day and told me that he is scared that he is not feel well at all. A lady he works with took him aside and told him she has a concern for his health that maybe he is diabetic. He is living on energy drinks 2 -3 at a time. He asked me to get him some food that he should be eating, and he would pay me for it. He works at a grocery store, but hey I thought it was a way to talk to him for a minute or 2. I told him I was going for grocery and I would be away the rest of the weekend so I would bring over some groceries. I got to his townhouse, the one girl that lives there answered the door and looked at me funny, I know something was up. She went downstairs and got C__ to come up and he was higher then a kite. I said are you stoned and he said what do you expect? I told him to take his groceries out and put them in the fridge and give me my shopping bag. I heard voices in the basement. I followed him to the kitchen and then I ran down the stairs. There is knowing in the rec room so I went to a door and opened it up and there in the fruit cellar was 7 of them smoking dope! I asked them if their mother knew they were doing this? Then I turned out and started yelling and screaming at the one kid that's mother took my son out of the rehab center and signed the lease for the townhouse. I was yelling and screaming at him that his mother had betrayed me when I was getting my son help. The kid said I wasn't doing anything here. After I finished yelling and screaming I left. C__ was still in the kitchen putting the food away. He never came down to the basement when I was yelling and screaming at these kids. I have not contacted him since this happened on Friday night.

Today I received this email from him...

Subject: I'm Sorry

Honestly though mom I can't keep saying I'm sorry. It has been my choice to do the things that I have done... the only one I have to blame is myself. But do you really think that me being on my own and out of the house does me any good? Hmmm lets think about this one... How does a kid raised like I was get trapped in web with all the others who I looked down upon? I don't know how It happened mom I really don't, I've fucked up the past year and a half of my life I have nothing to show for it... I can't believe it has stretched this far. Sometimes I try to answer your e-mails, but it makes me feel to depressed I don't even know where to begin...
So for what its worth to you and dad I'm sorry.

Love
C__ the fuck up

My reply:

It breaks our heart to see you in so much pain. C__ you are not a fuck up at all.
Yes it was your choice to go down this path. We have been praying for you every day. It takes a big person to realise their mistakes. And an even bigger person to learn from their mistakes in life.

You are always welcome to come home, but we have rules that have to be followed. Only you can choice to turn your life around and you will need extra help and we are always here to help you, but it must be your choice and it is never to late.

If you are serious about getting help call us.

Take care of yourself.

Love Mom & Dad

Mark, am I being snowed here?

Please write back.

Thanks A.

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Hi A.,

Re: Mark, am I being snowed here?

I'm so glad you asked. I was getting worried there for a minute.

You already know the answer ...yes!

You where on the receiving end of an attempt by your son to garner your sympathy. Great strategy on his part. Once the parent becomes sympathetic, she begins to feel guilty ...then she begins to doubt herself and her decisions ...then she caves. Once the parent caves, the child is once again in the power seat (i.e., he gets to do what he wants -- with parental approval).

Here's the bottom line: Trust is gone. Your son will have to earn your trust back before you can trust him again. And the only way that is going to happen is for you to see at least one year of sobriety under his belt.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Daughter shoplifting, using drugs, having sex...!?

Dear Mark,

I have listened and reviewed your CD and book and have found them very helpful. My daughter seems to be doing better, but just yesterday my sister told me that she is doing things that I know nothing about when she's not home. Last year was a nightmare year for us with constant fighting, door slamming, tantrums, etc. This year she seemed to be settling down some, but what my sister told me concerns me greatly. Shoplifting, drug use, sex and God knows what else. My daughter is in ninth grade and is fourteen years old. I am very concerned with her choices. She is seeing a counselor one a month for what is diagnosed as anxiety disorder. Can you give me some help or advice? I am angry, disappointed, and ashamed. I don't quite know where to go from here.

D.,

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Hi D.,

First of all, it doesn't sound like you have hard evidence that what your sister said is true. Avoid believing everything your hear -- even from a trusted sister (she may not have all the facts either). I find that when I get reports from one individual regarding another individual, some of it is true -- some of it is not.

Re: shoplifting—

When you first get the call, write down where you need to go to get your daughter and the phone number of the facility. Many parents do not do this and try to figure it out after they have hung up the phone. Avoid this added stress by writing it all down.

Avoid confronting your daughter at the scene or facility. It just will not help and could go against both of you if charges are filed.

Find out who is in charge and treat this person with respect. Find out if charges are being filed. Write these things down; do not rely on your memory.

When you get home with your daughter, take a time out. You will both need it. There is nothing wrong with letting your daughter know that you are not prepared to discuss this with them yet.

Talk with your spouse about consequences. Try and do this a day or two later, so that you know you are over the shock and have calmed down.

Lay out the consequences in an Action Plan for your daughter.

Re: drug use—

Please refer to the page of the eBook entitled "Read These Emails From Exasperated Parents" [session #4 - online version].

Re: sex—

While adolescent sex may not be wholly preventable, the health risks it involves can be reduced through communication within the family. Research shows that frequent parent-child discussions about sex and its dangers may prevent adolescents from engaging in risky sexual behavior.

One message for those intimate parent-child conversations is that early sex is a threat, and it remains a greater threat to girls than to boys. Adolescent pregnancy occurs in about 750,000 girls each year. Compared with adults, a adolescent, with an immature cervix, is more likely to catch an STD, triggering problems like smoldering pelvic inflammatory disease that can silently take away fertility, tubal pregnancies, cervical and even throat cancer, and transmission of disease to offspring at birth. That doesn't mean boys are invulnerable; they just suffer fewer and milder consequences.

However much our daughters should take equality with men for granted, they must know that sex is distinctly sexist. An old saying goes that men give love to get sex while women have sex to get love. There's something there. The brains of adolescent boys are raging with the libido hormone testosterone, while girls have some increase in testosterone but at far lower levels. In contrast, girls have more oxytocin, the cuddle hormone, and seem to be more sensitive to it than boys. Also, teenage emotions are responding to basic instincts from the lower brain, which awakens the body to its generative capacities. Such impulses searching for instant gratification can easily overwhelm the higher frontal lobes—which impose thoughtful, rational, and conscience-driven restraints on behavior—because, by some quirk of nature, those distinctly human higher cognitive centers don't fully mature until the early 20s. Parents, like it or not, have no choice but to be their kids' frontal lobes for a time, and that's a source of vintage adolescent turbulence.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

My Out-of-ControlTeen: Help for Parents