Son used his step mom's credit card to purchase an online gaming membership...

Mark, we just found out that my 16 y.o. son used his step mom's credit card to purchase an online gaming membership. His bio mom caught him stealing checks from her husband a year ago. The credit card theft is a felony here in Texas. How should I handle this with him?

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When a teen has been caught stealing, a parent's reaction should depend on whether it's the first time or there's a pattern of stealing. When there’s pattern of stealing, it's recommended that parents follow through with stricter consequences. For example, when a teen is caught stealing, the parent can take the teen back to the store and meet with the security department to explain and apologize for what happened.

The embarrassment of facing up to what he or she did by having to return a stolen item makes for an everlasting lesson on why stealing is wrong.

Further punishment, particularly physical punishment, is unnecessary and could make the teen angry and more likely to engage in even worse behavior.

If it's a first-time offense, some stores and businesses may accept an apology and not necessarily press charges. However, some stores press charges the first time around. And there's often little sympathy for repeat offenders.

Kids of all ages should know that stealing is a crime and can lead to consequences far worse than being grounded, including juvenile detention centers and even prison.

If a teen steals money from a parent, the teen should be offered options for paying back the money, like doing extra chores around the house. It's important, however, that a parent does not “bait” the teen by leaving out money in the hopes of catching the teen in the act. That could damage the sense of trust between a parent and teen.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Advice regarding helping our son adopt better sleep, nutrition, and academic habits...

Mark,

You may not be able to offer any specific advice on our issue, but I have to bring this up – we are at our rope’s end.

Our son, R___, is having a tough time focusing on his academics. He is 16, a junior in public high school, Port Orange Florida. He is in the IB (International Baccalaureate) program. Over the past year and a half his grades have steadily decreased: his current reporting period (4 week) GPA is 1.7 a solid “D.” He is an avid an accomplished soccer player, but at the rate he’s going he will be on academic suspension. His outlook for college is at best, not good – despite the fact that he definitely seems to want to go to college. (We are beginning to wonder if the IB program is just too hard for him, although says he really wants to do it.)

We’ve just subscribed to OPS. We’ve read your online material, in particular advice to one parent regarding a similar situation in which you made the following points:

(1) Let him do his own work – that’s his job, his teachers are his bosses.
(2) His sleep habits are poor – he stays up late – often past midnight, as late as 1:00. Wakeup is a chore taking 3-5 attempts.

Adding to this is the following:

(3) He has very poor nutrition habits. My wife has tried may times to prepare healthy meals – he will have no part of them, but drinks energy drinks, eats bagels and cream cheese, pizza, an occasional ham and cheese sandwich, never vegetables.

(4) He is hearing impaired – his acuity in the higher frequencies is significantly impaired. He has aids, but refuses to wear them (we suspect it may be a question of vanity, and refusal to acknowledge the impairment).

We have tried urging him to do his homework. That has not worked. Recently we have tried incentivizing him with money for good performance – his grades have just gotten worse (down to the current GPA).

My wife tends to have an authoritarian parenting style; I tend to have an indulgent style – so there is polarization in our approach – which may be making things worse.

Based on what I’ve just read (your advice to a parent in a similar situation minus the hearing and nutrition problems) we will likely follow your advice, and

(1) Remove the TV from his room
(2) Do the one reveille call in the morning – perhaps even with a real bugle.

We are also considering restricting his social life (going out on weekends, but no weekend sleepovers), but we would like your opinion.

Bottom line: If you have ANY specific advice regarding helping our son adopt better sleep, nutrition, and academic habits, we would SINCERELY appreciate it.

Many thanks in advance for any specific help,

Desperately yours,

H.

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Hi H.,

Re: sleep.

Many parents allow their children to stay up late on weekends to watch TV and play video games...

BIG mistake!

...then to make matters worse, they allow their children to sleep in on Sat. and Sun. mornings...

Another BIG mistake!

Why? Because it takes until the middle of the school week (i.e., approx. Wednesday) for the child to make up for sleep deficits (i.e., they get only about 4 -5 hours of sleep Sunday night since they have to get up on Monday morning for school...

...then the weekend comes, and the cycle starts all over.

Don't make these mistakes.

Also, he should only get one wake-up call. You are clearly taking the responsibility AWAY from him by nagging him to get up. As long as you nag -- he'll sleep.

Re: nutrition.

You have bigger fish to fry than this one. This should go in the "pick your battles carefully" file.

Re: academic habits.

I think you know where I stand on this issue since you've already read the recommendations.

Final point: I'm a bit concerned that you are rushing through the program. The academic biz is in Session #4 / Week #4 -- you just signed-up yesterday!

Rushing things WILL be the kiss of failure - I promise.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Son

Oppositional Defiant Disorder [ODD] in Adults

Dear Mark

I have just signed on for your e-course. My son has recently been diagnosed with ODD and thank God I have an answer to the challenge (understatment of the year!) that it has been trying to understand what was going on with him. He is only eight years old but I have had nightmares about what would become of his future and of my sanity!

The thing is the more I read about the disorder for my son, the more pieces fall in place for the troubles I have had and am still having with my husband and marriage. He is sooooo much like our boy in nearly every way. At the same time, all that I read on the subject pertains to children and teenagers. Although he would probably have a fit if he knew I was even thinking it about him, i desperately need to know if adults can suffer from the disorder as well?

Regards,

J.

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Hi J.,

Re: ...i desperately need to know if adults can suffer from the disorder as well?

Absolutely. And the good thing is: You can use many of the parenting strategies that you will be using with your son with your husband.

It is very common for a mother to feel as though she is raising two children -- her child and her husband. This topic leads to a discussion about co-dependency on the mother's part (which I don't have time to get into right now).

Maladaptive behaviors are serious enough when the adult cannot maintain employment or constantly moves from job to job, has trouble with "significant other" relationships (possible multiple divorces), or has a strong dependence on alcohol, substances or negative habits.

Although we're talking about adults here, young people can engage in similar behaviors when they have trouble in school, have difficulty making and keeping friends, and rely on fancy toys or video games to synthetically alter their mood.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen