Oppositional Defiant Husband

What you have described is the behavior of my husband who is 45 yrs old. We have been married 25 years. He does the opposite of what he is asked -- not just by me -- but his associates. Can this information help me deal in a better way with him, especially his temper and denial of any mistakes on his part. No counseling has never worked. Counselors in his mind are idiots.

Thanks,

J.

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Hi J.,

Great question. And the surprising answer is "Yes ...it will help with an oppositional, defiant spouse."

A significant number of mother's who join Online Parent Support state that they feel as though they are raising two children -- their child and their husband. The really cool (and unforeseen) benefit to this program is that the material will work on anyone (e.g., child, spouse, coworker, parent, etc.). Most people don't believe me when I say this, because it all "sounds too good to be true" -- and the old adage is "if it sounds too good to be true, then it probably is."

This is where I put my money where my mouth is. If it doesn't work -- email me and I'll give you a refund.

Do I have magic bullets? No. I just have a lot of experience in dealing with the oppositional, defiant personality.

Dealing with difficult people is really confusing and often troubling (unless you know how they think and what motivates them).

Mark

My Out-of-Control Husband

She has started to hit and kick us...

We started your program with our 3-year-old daughter 2 weeks ago, and when we ignore her she screams at us “...talk to me ...look at me” and she has started to hit and kick us.

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I would suggest you start making a concerted effort to "catch your daughter being good." When she cooperates, is helpful, or shows kindness, make sure you praise her, and give her a smile and a hug. Be specific with your praise, such as "I really like the way you played quietly while I was talking on the telephone," or "Honey, I'm so proud of the way you put your toys away!" This is providing intensity when “things are going right.”

The other side of this equation is that you need to wear your poker face when she whines, complains, or begs. If you repeatedly nag or lecture her, you are giving her exactly what she wants -- your intensity. When kids are acting out in order to get intensity, I always tell parents, "Don't get mad -- get boring." Eventually your daughter will learn that good behavior gets rewarded by praise and approval, while crying and whining get a consequence (usually in the form of a time out). Of course if she does something aggressive or destructive, you'll need to put her in a longer time out or give her a stiffer consequence, but administer the consequence calmly, in a businesslike, matter of fact way. Remember that if you let her get you upset and you start yelling or lecturing, she's gotten exactly what she wanted…your intensity.

Also, make sure you do special activities with her individually, apart from any other children.

==> Here are a ton of tips re: temper tantrums.

Mark