Speak softly, and carry a big stick...

Hi Mark, I seem to have reached stalemate. We are not having as many arguments as I refuse to get angry and always use my best poker face, however my son has a nasty angry response to every single thing I say, even if it is just hello. The responses are normally "shut up, don't speak to me, I don't want to talk to you, F... off " …I understand this is him just trying to push my buttons, but how can we move on from this. I can't have any conversation. I have tried asking him once per week to join us for dinner, but to no avail (although I will keep going). There is no way he would ever accompany us on an outing. I know we still have a long way to go. Can you point me in the right direction? Thanks. S.

Click here for my response...

His pediatrician refers to him as a "case study"...

Good morning Mark,

Oh my God, it is actually working. Adam has now been back at home 2 days and last night he tried pushing our buttons again, with no success. We remained calm and told he we didn't want to argue. He wanted to use the car to go to his friend’s house and we said that he had nothing to earn the use of the car. We told him if he did his homework he could use it and he chose not to, so he walked. Before he left he said something odd he said "you guys aren't talking to me", I said "I don't know what you mean, we talked all through dinner and after dinner (when we insisted he do dishes).....". Anyway, you know what we didn't do, we didn't yell and scream and I guess he thought that we hadn't talked to him because of it....very strange. We said we loved him before he went to bed and this morning before he left and asked him to make good choices today. My husband has a hard time telling him that he loves him, but he did it, I was very proud of him. Actually, I think we both have a hard time saying "I love you" right now, because he has been so awful to be around.

I guess you might not really want an update, but I just needed to tell you because I was soooo impressed.

Oh, one more thing, our son is severe ADHD to a point that his pediatrician refers to him as a "case study" and has agreed to keep him on as a patient until he is 18 instead of 16.

J.

``````````````````````````````````````````````

Hi J.,

Thank you for the update. Updates are always welcome -- even if they are not so pretty.

Mark

Online Parent Support

This program makes a lot of sense to me...

Dear Mark,

I am sure you have heard it all before...but I was (am) at my wits in with my 15-year-old son. We have made our first appearance in the court for his truancy. He attends school every day, but he "skips" the detention classes and our district is strict on it's policy and counts this as an absent.

He is failing every class except Gym and a sports fitness class. They are very low F's in the 20-30%, which tells me he is just physically there and not contributing at all. It started last year, new school he played football his 8th grade year, he is a very good athlete. His grades started to fail and the school couldn't let him play basketball. He gave up when they took his sports away from him. Even after informing him that if he brought his grades up he could be a starter on the varsity team his freshman year. He wouldn't do the schoolwork to get him back on track again.

All he does now is come home and shut the door to his room, play online video games. Never speaks unless he wants something. I know that I spoiled him, over indulgence. His dad and I have been divorced for 13 years, and we have always put him first. His dad and I have been close and remain so. I have been remarried for 11 years, and my son and husband don't have much respect for each other.

So when I came across your website and ebook, I bought it right away! I am so excited to have access to this knowledge. We are to start family therapy in January through our local University, which was ordered by the court. I felt I needed something right away, and I am so glad I came upon your program. I look forward to working the program and having a relationship with my son again.

I never thought that my over indulgence with my son would cause all the behavior that we have been experiencing in the house. Just about every "symptom" of over indulgence you have explained, he is (we are) experiencing.

I love my son. I want to see him succeed in life and in love. Besides his bad behavior and lack of academic success, he is a good kid. I believe with the help of your program, I can possibly get my entire family back on track again. So thank you, I just feel this is my answer.

This program makes a lot of sense to me. I appreciate the straight talk and not a bunch of lists and personal research. I need help now and that is what I feel this offers.

Thanks again.

Sincerely,

C.R.

Online Parent Support

When Kids Refuse To Attend School: Case Examples

Sara, an eight-year-old girl, has always had difficulty attending school. Since she began third grade two months ago, her problems have significantly worsened. She constantly begs to stay home from school, having tantrums that cause delay in dressing and often result in her missing the bus. After arriving at school, Sara frequently complains of stomachaches, headaches and a sore throat to her teacher and asks to visit the school nurse with whom she pleads to call her mother. Her mother typically picks her up early twice a week. When Sara gets home she spends the remainder of the afternoon watching TV and playing with her toys. When her mother is unable to pick her up early, Sara calls her mother's cell phone periodically throughout the afternoon to "check in" and reassure herself that nothing bad has happened. Sara's teacher has expressed concern about her missing so much class time, which has resulted in incomplete assignments and difficulty learning.

Craig is a fourteen-year-old boy who has missed forty-three days of school since beginning the eighth grade four months ago. When home from school, Craig spends most of the day online or playing video games. On the days he does attend school he is typically late for his first period, which enables him to avoid hanging out with other kids before class. He always goes to the library during lunch. When he does go to class, he sits in the back of the classroom, never raises his hand and has difficulty working on group projects. Craig's teachers have noticed that he is always absent on days that tests or book reports are scheduled. His moms & dads have already punished him after his first report card came home since he received D's in Math and Social Studies and failed Gym for cutting. Craig's moms & dads have started to wonder if they should change his school placement and have asked the school to arrange home tutoring while this alternative is explored.

Prevalence and defining characteristics—

As much as 28% of school aged kids in America refuse school at some point during their education.1 School refusal behavior is as common among boys as girls. While any youngster aged 5-17 may refuse to attend school, most youths who refuse are 10-13 years old. Peaks in school refusal behavior are also seen at times of transition such as 5-6 and 14-15 years as kids enter new schools. Although the problem is considerably more prevalent in some urban areas, it is seen equally across socioeconomic levels.

Sara and Craig are just two examples of how school refusal manifests in youth. The hallmark of this behavior is its heterogeneity. Defined as substantial, youngster-motivated refusal to attend school and/or difficulties remaining in class for an entire day, the term "school refusal behavior" replaces obsolete terms such as "truancy" or "school phobia," because such labels do not adequately or accurately represent all youths who have difficulty attending school. School refusal behavior is seen as a continuum that includes youths who always miss school as well as those who rarely miss school but attend under duress. Hence, school refusal behavior is identified in youths aged 5-17 years who:

1. go to school following crying, clinging, tantrums or other intense behavior problems
2. exhibit unusual distress during school days that leads to pleas for future absenteeism
3. attend school initially but leave during the course of the school day
4. are entirely absent from school

As evidenced by Sara and Craig, there are varying degrees of school refusal behavior. Initial school refusal behavior for a brief period may resolve without intervention. Substantial school refusal behavior occurs for a minimum of two weeks. Acute school refusal behavior involves cases lasting two weeks to one year, being a consistent problem for the majority of that time. Chronic school refusal behavior interferes with two or more academic years as this refers to cases lasting more than one calendar year. Youths who are absent from school as a result of chronic physical illness, school withdrawal which is motivated by moms & dads or societal conditions such as homelessness, or running away to avoid abuse should not be included in the above definition of school refusal behavior as these factors are not youngster-initiated.

While some school refusers exhibit a more heterogeneous presentation, typically these youths can be categorized into two main types of troublesome behavior -- internalizing or externalizing problems. The most prevalent internalizing problems are generalized worrying ("the worry-wart"), social anxiety and isolation, depression, fatigue, and physical complaints (e.g. stomachaches, nausea, tremors and headaches). The most prevalent externalizing problems are tantrums (including crying and screaming), verbal and physical aggression, and oppositional behavior.

The cause and maintenance of school refusal behavior—

Sara had several physiological symptoms at school and went home to be with her mother and play. Craig on the other hand, avoided potentially distressing social and evaluative situations at school, which negatively impacted his academic performance. Although many behaviors characterize youths who refuse school, there are a few variables that serve to cause and maintain this problem. School refusal behavior occurs for one or more of the following reasons:

1. To receive attention from significant others outside of school
2. To pursue tangible reinforcement outside of school
3. To escape uncomfortable peer interactions and/or academic performance situations such as test-taking or oral presentations
4. To avoid school-related objects or situations that cause general distress such as anxiety, depression or physiological symptoms

The above four reasons for school refusal behavior can be explained by principles of reinforcement. Any one youngster can refuse school for one or more of these reasons. The first two reasons characterize youths who refuse school to avoid or escape something unpleasant (negative reinforcement). For example, one of the reasons for Sara's crying in the morning is her fear of riding the school bus. By tantruming she accomplishes her goal of avoiding the school-related object (the school bus) that causes her distress.

Another example of negative reinforcement is when Craig escapes aversive peer interactions and exams by school refusing. The third and fourth reasons characterize youths who refuse school to gain rewards (positive reinforcement). Sara, as is common with many younger kids, tries to avoid school as a means of having her mother provide her with excessive attention and closeness. Thus, Sara's behavior in this situation may be associated with separation anxiety.

Another instance of positive reinforcement is exemplified by Craig, who basically has more fun being at home on the computer and listening to music than being in school. It is important to note that alcohol and drug use can occur among adolescents who school refuse for one or more of the reasons listed above. For example, a teenager who is extremely socially anxious may drink alcohol as a way of enduring distressing social or evaluative situations. Another youngster who avoids school may smoke marijuana during school hours as a means of gaining acceptance by peers or simply because it is more enjoyable than attending school.

While all forms of school refusal can be equally debilitating, typically, mental health professionals receive fewer referrals for youths who have internalizing as opposed to externalizing behavior problems. In other words, the youth who exhibits anxiety is less likely to receive treatment than the youth who is disruptive.

Treatment—

School personnel -- teachers, nurses, principals -- are frequently the first professionals to identify the existence of a problem that requires immediate attention and intervention. As such, school personnel play a vital role in alerting moms & dads to the problem and helping facilitate referrals for treatment by mental health specialists. The next step towards effective treatment by mental health professionals is gaining an understanding of the reasons that motivate school refusal. While school refusal per se is not a clinical disorder in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition, it can be associated with several psychiatric disorders (e.g. Separation Anxiety Disorder, Social Phobia, Conduct Disorder). Thus, it is vital that youths who are school refusing receive a comprehensive evaluation that includes a structured diagnostic interview and empirically supported assessment measures, such as "The School Refusal Assessment Scale" (SRAS), to understand the biopsychosocial factors contributing to their behavior.

Once a clear diagnostic picture is established, an individualized treatment plan can be developed to address the positive and negative reinforcers that are associated with the school refusal behavior and comorbid psychiatric disorders.

The traditional treatments for school refusal behavior employed by mental health professionals have unfortunately had limited effectiveness. While certain treatment modalities such as psychodynamic therapies, forced school attendance, family-based techniques, medication and use of systematic desensitization work as the sole treatment modality for some youngsters, not all kids who refuse school will improve with the chosen treatment. Thus, clinical scientists have developed a scientifically-based, comprehensive assessment and treatment package for youths with school refusal behavior.

Consultation with youngster psychiatrists may be necessary in certain cases of school refusal behavior that involve highly complicated clinical symptoms and comorbidities. For example, in order to increase the probability of successful therapeutic intervention, the youngster refusing school who exhibits mainly internalizing problems may benefit from adjunctive pharmacotherapy (e.g., Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor - SSRI) to help lower his or her anxiety.

Returning to our case examples, careful evaluation revealed that Sara's school refusal behavior was initially a function of separation anxiety which was positively reinforced by having her mother's attention and play time during school hours. This lead her therapist to design a treatment program combining somatic management skills, practice in being away from her mom and parent training in contingency management. Following Craig’s evaluation he was prescribed a treatment to address his social anxiety that motivated his school refusal. Craig's behavior was negatively reinforced by avoiding social and evaluative situations. Thus, his treatment plan involved cognitive restructuring, role-plays, social skills and problem-solving skills, and gradual reintroduction to school.

In addition, a strong working relationship between the therapist and the youth's school officials is an integral component of a successful treatment program for school refusal behavior. As an example, through a structured treatment plan with clear goals and a definitive time frame, a helpful school official might facilitate Craig’s return to school or Sara remaining in her classroom rather than the nurse's office.

TREATMENT COMPONENTS FOR EACH FUNCTION OF SCHOOL REFUSAL BEHAVIOR:

Escape from negative affect—(Sadness, the blues, fears, generalized anxiety and worry, separation anxiety, various phobias):

· Somatic management skills such as breathing retraining or progressive muscle relaxation training
· Gradual reintroduction (exposure) to school
· Self-reinforcement and building self efficacy

Escape from aversive social and evaluative situations—(Social phobia, test anxiety, public speaking fears, shyness, social skills deficits):

· Cognitive restructuring of negative self-talk
· Role play practice
· Graded exposure tasks involving real-life situations
· Social skills training and problem-solving skills training
· Building coping templates

Attention-seeking behavior—(Tantrums, crying, clinging, separation anxiety):

· Parent training in contingency management
· Changing parent commands
· Establishing routines
· Use of rewards and punishers for school attendance and school refusal
· Forced attendance, if necessary and under special circumstances

Positive tangible reinforcement—(Lack of structure or respect for house rules and responsibilities, free access to reinforcement, disregard for limits):

· Contracting with moms & dads to increase incentive for school attendance
· Curtail social and other activities as a result of nonattendance
· Provide the family with alternative problem-solving strategies to reduce conflict
· Communication skills and peer refusal skills are also sometimes added to this process

When kids like Sara and Craig refuse school, immediate intervention is necessary not only because school attendance is mandated by law, but also to address negative social, psychological and academic consequences to the youth and family. If not identified and treated, school refusal behavior has severe short- and long-term consequences. Some of the short-term consequences of school refusal behavior include significant youngster stress, deteriorating school performance, social isolation, and family tension and conflict. Some of the longer-term consequences include decreased probability of attending college, impaired social functioning impacting personal and professional goals, and increased risk of substance abuse, anxiety and depression in adulthood.

Furthermore, the longer the youth refuses to attend school, the greater the risk of these problems developing. Taken together, it is essential that kids, moms & dads, mental health professionals, and school officials act collectively to further understand school refusal. It remains a prevalent and potentially grave problem that is under-investigated regarding empirically-based assessment and treatment.

Online Parent Support

We do have a situation in hour house...

Hi Mark,

Thank you for contacting me, I am currently reading the book. We have taken a chapter to work with my son. So far we have been able to remove the TV from his room as consequence to fixing the door that he broke (during one of his outrages). He is working to catch up with his school work. He had failed the 9th grade once already and he is taking 9th and 10th grade classes right now. So we will definitely use the material as you may tell we do have a situation in hour house.

Thank you again.

Online Parent Support

Teens Who View Porn on the Internet

I discovered new behavior today. Last night I heard my son coming home at 1:30 after mid-night. I got up at 3:30 and found he was in the family room lying on the couch sleeping with his jeans pulled down with his underwear exposed. He woke up and saw me and the first thing he did was to look at the TV screen (used as the computer monitor) that was not powered off. Then he tried to pull up his jeans. This morning I was using the computer and noticed what was last left on the screen last use. My son was watching teen sex video downloaded from a porn website. He did not log off his account after watching it, so he would know that I knew about this once he sees that I have used the computer today. What shall I do with this new area of his behavior? Shall I attend the matter or not? How do I do it if I shall?

`````````````````````````````````````````````````````````

With the advent of the Internet, moms & dads are finding it increasingly difficult to shield their kids from pornography. Now, in addition to the exposure kids might encounter from classmates who borrowed one of their father’s magazines, most school-age kids and teenagers are spending large amounts of time online for homework or entertainment reasons. Attorney General John Ashcroft has estimated that nine in ten teens have been exposed to pornography. Unfortunately, many of these teens are susceptible to developing addictions or compulsions to these images.

The term “addict” may seem severe. Most moms & dads will initially minimize the problem, hoping their son or daughter is simply “experimenting.” Experience has taught me that, in many cases, at least one of the moms & dads will have faced similar struggles when he or she was younger. Today, however, Internet pornography is the fast ramp to sex addiction. Coupled with a greater moral decay in the culture and the fact that kids’s minds are still are still in the process of developing to maturity, addiction can happen quicker than we moms & dads like to think.

In many situations, the first reaction is to determine who is to blame within the family. It is important to realize, however, that bad things still happen to good families. This does not absolve certain parties from taking responsibility where it is needed. Everyone needs to take ownership of his or her piece of the puzzle.

For example, moms & dads need to ask if they have provided comprehensive sex education. Moms & dads will also want to re-evaluate the types and amounts of media they have allowed in the home. People tend to absorb the messages that bombard them in popular media -- more so with teens and young kids. What have your kids been listening to and watching? Are their media reinforcing respectful messages about sexuality and the dignity of the person, or is it working to erode these foundational principles in your youngster’s mind?

Another often-overlooked problem is the sad reality of sex abuse. Most sex addicts have suffered sexual abuse at some point in their lives, and treatment of sex abuse is foundational to overcoming sex addiction.

Moms & dads will also want to re-evaluate the types and amounts of media they have allowed in the home. People tend to absorb the messages that bombard them in popular media -- more so with teens and young kids.

The teenager addict also has areas of responsibility. Has he or she been honest about the sexual struggles? Have there been other excesses like alcohol or drugs? Has a peer or perhaps an adult been a bad influence? Most important of all, has the teenager made a full disclosure to his moms & dads so that the family can become equipped to deal with sex addiction?

Moms & dads need to realize that their teen is likely suffering from extreme shame and embarrassment. Authoritarian dictates are not likely to encourage your youngster to open up and share the extent of his or her struggles. Compassionate love and understanding, such as Jesus demonstrated to the woman caught in adultery, is likely to help your youngster feel safe enough to disclose the full story.

Many families will already have experienced serious communication breakdown with their teens. How moms & dads approach their teen in this situation will likely determine whether unhealthy patterns of communications will continue to disrupt and frustrate the relationship or whether a new foundation of openness, trust, and safety can be built and sustained throughout the struggle.

Moms & dads will need to remind themselves that they are often prone to minimizing what they know or suspect to be the truth. Moms & dads also need to realize the resistance they will encounter from their teen. Most addicts, regardless of age, will deny their struggle. They may even shift the blame and become verbally aggressive. Others may agree immediately that they have sinned or hurt others, and promise too quickly that they will never do it again. Getting caught hardly changes the heart.

Of course, it’s to be expected that everyone will feel awkward, maybe even embarrassed. Regardless of the discomfort, however, when there is evidence of illicit sexual behavior and possible addiction, moms & dads have to take the lead.

Chances are this encounter will exacerbate personality differences already evident in the family, but moms & dads and teen alike need to understand that this issue is not about personalities but about principles. Ideally, moms & dads will have educated their kids about the principles or core values that pertain to personal integrity. When these principles are violated, moms & dads don’t need to make this a personal issue, even though the wound will be highly personal.

Those who have not undertaken this core training will experience greater difficulty reaching the teen. Compounding the problem will be any moral lapse or habits that the teen witnesses in the moms & dads’ lives. It is extremely difficult to admonish a youngster for seeking out pornography if the moms & dads have a few DVDs they claim to be marital aids. Kids are experts at sniffing out hypocrisy.

If moms & dads are morally compromised in this situation, there are only a few choices they can make. They can either let the matter drop, thus resigning their teen to a cycle of pain, shame and addiction, or they can make the decision to eliminate those harmful aspects of their own lives and work toward bringing healing and restoration to the entire family.

Youth culture often counters parental values; teenagers may claim the right to express sexuality in whatever ways they desire. Without moral absolutes, they are prone to experimentation and believe that being true to one’s self is the greater good.

The fact remains that moms & dads are responsible to a large degree for their kids and for what their kids do. For example, when an teenager violates one or more civil laws pertaining to sexual conduct, his moms & dads will typically become involved in the court hearings as well. Taking up their moral responsibility, moms & dads of teenage addicts will need to state clear boundaries so that the guidelines and consequences are obvious.

Sadly, simply stating clear moral guidelines won’t change the heart of our kids. Nevertheless, moms & dads should be clear. Teenagers are to be accountable for their conduct, especially when trust has been violated.

Some initial guidelines for kids would involve the types of media they are exposed to and the times and places of exposure. For example, moms & dads would want to regulate Internet usage to specific times of the day or only when they are present. They may need specialized software to help them achieve these measures. Other restrictions could include limiting Internet use for homework purposes only and limiting TV viewing.

Heavy-handedness without appropriate ongoing communication and relationship can drive a teen further away from you and drive a continuation of his or her acting out.

The guidelines moms & dads set should not be limited to media in the home. Considering the seriousness of your youngster’s problem, guidelines should also be developed for conduct outside the household, with a signed agreement clearly stating consequences for infractions.

The reader can see how this could easily become a case of “parenting with an iron fist.” These measures need to be moderated by your family’s situation and your unique relationships. Above all, you must enter into these measures making sure that you are acting out of love and a motivation to help your youngster toward healing. Just as important, your youngster must perceive that you are acting with such a motivation. Heavy-handedness without appropriate ongoing communication and relationship can drive a teen further away from you and drive a continuation of his or her acting out.

Ideally, fathers should discuss these matters with sons, and mothers with daughters. Follow-up is important and, at least initially, these times of accountability may need to occur daily so that the teenage addict can check-in.

The most difficult question that can emerge is how to safeguard other kids in the home. We want to think the best of our loved ones, regardless of age. It’s hard to imagine that a family member may actually pose a hazard to another family member. Where sex addiction exists, however, a careful evaluation for risk factors is always warranted.

Understandably, moms & dads will want to protect younger kids from the knowledge that an older sibling is addicted to pornography or other sexual behaviors. In fact, many times, the younger kids remain relatively innocent, and perhaps the moms & dads have not yet initiated sex education. Nevertheless, there are times when moms & dads will need to err on the side of caution, and share with younger kids that an older sibling is in trouble sexually, and therefore, won’t be left alone in their presence without parental supervision.

Professional help will be critically important if your youngster struggles with pornography or act outs sexually in other ways. Often, moms & dads seek the help of a pastor, a counselor, or perhaps someone from school. While all of these people have key-support roles to play, most likely none are specialized in the treatment of sex abuse and/or addiction.

The specialist can equip you to know how to approach your youngster. You will also learn how to monitor the situation, and develop more or less support depending on your particular circumstances.

Just because your teenager seems to be addicted today to pornography does not mean that he or she must remain addicted tomorrow. Kids of all ages are incredible resilient, especially when their legitimate needs are being met in meaningful ways.

If your teenager is diagnosed with sex addiction, it means this condition did not occur overnight. To some degree, there has been a progression that most likely dates back to the first time your youngster was exposed to pornography or some other form of sexual abuse.

Because our kids are in various stages of development where some degree of sexual experimentation is likely, it can be difficult to pin down whether or not a serious problem actually exists. The secrecy that surrounds sexual sin also makes it difficult to detect what may be happening in the private lives of our kids.

Note: If your teenager has access to the Internet, please consider downloading the following parental control & monitoring software:   

PC Tattletail

This is THE best monitoring product on the market -- and you can try it for  free.

My Out-of-Control Teen

Teens & Money Management

Your adolescent will benefit from your help in learning money-management skills. The earlier a adolescent is held accountable for staying within a reasonable budget, the better the chance of avoiding financial catastrophe when he or she leaves the nest.

Guiding your adolescent to good money-management practices is not difficult if you take it step by step. These steps include setting priorities, setting a budget and opening a checking account.

Prioritizing—

1. List your basic daily needs-all the things that your parents expect you to pay for out of allowance and/or income from a job.
2. List those needs in order of importance.
3. Review the list daily.
4. Meet the highest priority needs first.

Setting Up a Budget—

1. Determine a time span for your budget-weekly, biweekly, monthly.
2. List income from all sources-allowance, jobs, gifts.
3. List all expenses-car payments, snacks, entertainment, personal care items, clothes, savings account-and add the amounts. You might have to do some research into cost of various items if you are just beginning to pay for them.
4. List debts, if any, and add it to the expense total.
5. Subtract the expense total from the income total.
6. Consider your budget guidelines before spending any money so you can stay within your budget.

If your adolescent does not have a checking account, now might be a good time to have him or her set one up.

Opening a Checking Account—

1. Choose a bank, considering the fees and special programs of several institutions to make a decision.
2. Take official identification, credit information, current account information and money to deposit to the bank.
3. Ask to talk with an account officer.
4. Fill out an application, and answer any questions.
5. Choose the checking account that will best meet your needs.
6. Ask about charges for using the account and penalties for overdrafts.
7. Read and save all information about the account.

==> JOIN Online Parent Support