She attracts the attention of young men in their late teens & early 20s...

Hi Mark,

I’m the mother of a beautiful, strong willed 12-year-old daughter. She has always been tall for her age but is now 5’ 11”, 120lbs with blue eyes, long blond hair and naturally tanned looking skin. She looks like a supermodel of about 17 and knows it. Unfortunately she attracts the attention of young men in their late teens & early 20s, will dress in ways to make herself look older, and basically enjoys baiting them. Unfortunately her best friend (a 13 year old without much common sense) met a young man (17years old) through an Internet chat room and invited this person to meet them at the mall for a movie. (Of course all this sort of thing is kept secret from us through lies.) While at the movie my daughter allowed this boy to kiss her, which then turned into rape. I discovered what happened by accident when I found a pregnancy test kit in my daughter’s room. When I asked her about it she told me what happened, was of course very upset, glad that I finally knew and was eager to seek medical screening and agreed to talk to child protection and JERT, a division of the police. She was raped this past August and I discovered it in late October.

Prior to this she had been having sexual type conversations with boys over the Internet and on a household back up mobile phone, which is billed to our business, which we didn’t know she was using. Of course we had repeatedly given her the lecture about chatrooms, danger of the Internet, talking or SMSing people you don’t know, etc. Her Internet privileges had been pulled a number of times for a month or more for these types of infractions. After discovering the rape, her computer access was removed, the phone was deactivated and she hasn’t been allowed to see her friend anywhere except at our house.

At the beginning of January we gave her back her computer privileges along with the warning about not abusing them etc. Last night we discovered that she has been having very illicit sexual conversations on the computer since January 5th with a 15-year-old local boy. We confronted her about this, asked her why on earth she did this after everything that has happened, explained that she was definitely leading this boy on and was walking down a very dangerous road which could ruin her life! All she said was that she was sorry, doesn’t know why she does it and fled to her room blocking her door to prevent us coming in. Computer privileges have been removed again.

I have tried, over the last two years or so to teach her how to avoid sexual trouble, dress appropriately (teen fashion which isn’t slutty or revealing is OK), no heavy make-up (she “borrows” mine without asking if she doesn’t have her own, no talking to strangers no mall or movies without adult accompanying, don’t get into a situation where you give someone privacy and control, etc.

Despite what happened, she continues to play the siren when she thinks we aren’t watching.

I love my daughter very much, she has SO much potential and a wonderful life to look forward to and she is a pretty good kid – sure I have problems with lying, wagging chores, not doing homework, backchat, sulking, door slamming and the gimmee and getmees but I’m deeply worried about her stubbornness in playing with sexual fire and what the consequences of that could be.

She is only 12 – but in a gorgeous 17-year-old body - how on earth can we protect her from herself during the teen years?

P.S. I received your email book yesterday – it’s fantastic. I’ve tried some of your “tricks” with the other typical teen behavior problems last night and they worked like magic! Thank you.

Best Regards,

J.

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Hi J.,

Sexual acting out and behavior is almost always tough for parents to deal with, even when they understand that, at least to some degree, it's "normal."

Children who demonstrate an unusual interest in sexual matters often have been introduced to it by other adults, children, or by viewing sexual material. It's also possible that having intercourse explained to her when she was young has created some confusion for your daughter that she is "acting out" in her behavior.

My own son was inadvertently shown a sexually explicit cartoon when he was 11, and we went through several months of heightened sexual interest and questions--which gradually disappeared when he realized that he wasn't shocking me and that I would calmly answer any of his questions. Do some thinking about what you want your daughter to believe about sex and intimacy, and then find ways to calmly teach and share those concepts with her.

Your daughter needs teaching about appropriate boundaries and behavior, not punishment. By showing gentle curiosity and asking "what" and "how" questions, you can open the door to talking about sex, rather than having her act it out. You may want to get one of the many excellent books explaining sexuality for children and read it together, openly reminding her that this subject has come up before and you're wondering if she has questions. The phrase, "I've noticed that. . ." is often a good beginning. You can let her know, without anger, that flirting the way she has is not acceptable, but it is okay to have questions and be curious, and that she can ask you anything. Your own attitude (kind and firm) will let her know that you mean what you say. If you are calm, open, and approachable, she may be able to relax enough to explore the subject with you.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

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The Total Transformation?

Hi Mark-

Just to let you know, I spent 300 bucks on the Total Transformation program. Have you heard of it? I wish I had found your site before I made that purchase. Although there are a few tips that were somewhat helpful, it left me largely at a loss on what to do to get my son to cooperate. There was no "transformation". Far from it.

On the other hand, your information - as you said - it not the usual set of parenting strategies that everyone tries to use to no avail. Your videos and phone consult have helped me to get my son back.

Just wanted you to know. You really are worth much more than $29.00 - but thanks for being affordable - and for being there for "real" assistance rather than for the money.

Eternally grateful,

Marge C.

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The conflicts we have now are about less critical matters...

Dear Mark,

I ordered your ebook and talked to you on the phone about my daughter a while back and just wanted to say thank you and let you know that your methods work for us! As you predicted, first the frequency of conflicts decreased at first and then later the intensity decreased. And better yet, the conflicts we have now are about less critical matters, for example, over staying on the internet too long rather than over staying out with unsavory friends too late. We communicate much better, too.

Again, thank you for what you are doing, and for being there to help so many parents like me who have been overwhelmed with raising teenagers.

S.

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Thank you for giving me my son back...

Would you recommend this program to friends or family?
Definitely. I have recommended it many times already.

Did you get a timely response to your emails?
I have not needed to email yet, But Mark has kept to his word on everything else, so I am confident emails would be timely.

What was the most helpful feature of Online Parent Support?
When I started the program, I felt so lost and helpless. Mark said things that made me swear he knew my child personally. Everything I read seemed to be about my child. This was how I knew this program was different, and that it could work. The steps were easy to follow, and the results were fast. When we took the parenting quiz, I scored an 80 and my husband scored 100. This really opened our eyes. Now all 3 of my children are happier and easier to deal with.

What was the least helpful?
I cannot think of one thing I would change about this program. Thank you so much.

Additional Comments:
My child had been on medication for ADD for several years. It never seemed to help the way we hoped. His anger was out of control and most of the walls in our home had holes from him punching them. He was violent with his siblings and distant from us. I found your program while looking for a treatment facility to send him away to. I knew it was not safe for his brother and sister if he stayed in our home. About 2 and a half weeks into your program we were able to take him off the medication and he continued to improve. (His doctor insisted we were making a huge mistake and that medication was the only way to help him.) He is changing into a more confident self-controlled person thanks to your program. He used to scream at me how much he hated me. Now when he does not get his way he will yell, “Why are you such a good parent??? God, I love you so much!! Why can't you be a rotten parent like my friends parents???” He will try to sound angry, but he is letting me know he is happier with the way things are now. He is learning to diffuse tense situations as well. We have both become better people. Thank you for giving me my son back.

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I honestly received more helpful information out of your program...

Just a quick note to say thank you for your program. You have done a really great job on this and it was very affordable. My mother bought me a $300 program – while I must say that any additional tools I get out of it will be worth any cost, I honestly received more helpful information out of your program. My son and I were going down a very ugly spiral – I am a single mom and always the “bad guy”. He got to the point that he simply defied the punishments and the behavior got worse each day.

It has only been a month and school has been out for the last couple weeks, but I feel like we are making progress. This gave us a new direction and I have had much more PEACE! One of the biggest problem areas is the failing grades at school – it really took a load off of me to stop micro-managing that area. Since he had been totally grounded for so long and really got worse when he was simply “ungrounded” altogether, I had him earn the free time by getting passing grades. If he works at school and does homework, it gives him enough “earned time” that he is essentially ungrounded. It also transitioned our house from “negative consequences for bad behavior” to “positive response for good behavior”. The biggest turn around was lowing the bar to the point he couldn’t fail – “Come home from school on time today and you can have an hour of free time tonight”. It gave him a light at the end of the tunnel that he did not have before and he ran to it!

Thanks,

A.

Online Parent Support

He wants to throw his clean clothes on the floor...

Dear Mark:

I’m a new parent to your site. I need assistance and want to ensure I’m not being unreasonable with my son. Please advise me.

He wants to throw his clean clothes (that he did agree to wash and dry) on the floor in his closet rather than hang them up. I feel they should be hung up or put into drawers. I don’t even care if he folds then. He says he’ll just throw them on the floor.

Am I being unreasonable? Should I just provide another “bin”, like his dirty clothes bin, and let him throw his clean clothes in there? I don’t want to be too demanding; it is his space and his clothes.

Please advise. Thanks.

K.

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Hi K.,

Great question. This falls into the "pick-your-battles-carefully" category. I'm sure you have bigger fish to fry than worrying about clothes on the floor.

Are you being unreasonable? Not really. Is it a battle you should fight. No way! Get a clean clothes bin.

Mark

Online Parent Support

Aspergers & Sound Therapy

Hi, I was wondering if anybody has tried sound therapy with their children, like Tomatis or AIT and what the results were?? My son was recently diagnosed with possibly Aspergers at 3 years of age, he is now 4-- he really does not act or behave in ways that are typical for Aspergers- by that I mean he does not need to stick to a rigid routine or have difficulty with new transitions--he does have different play behaviors- forms bottles, crayons and utensils and makes them into different shapes or numbers and is fascinated with both letters, numbers and music but has other areas of interest as well but not as strong of an interest. He definitely has some sensory issues going on and I was wondering if sound therapy could help this??

Please help??

Thanks—Christina

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Autism is a mystifying condition, which causes kids to become emotionally isolated from the world around them.

Aspergers is higher functioning autism, meaning the symptoms are milder and the child functions well or above average in many areas of life while still having certain abnormalities in their way of relating to others.

A definite cause of autism or Aspergers is not known, but a contributing factor is believed to be distortion in the reception of sensory information.

Many kids with autism exhibit extreme sensitivity to noise. Some frequencies are actually painful for them to hear. Sound Therapy pioneer Dr Tomatis suggests that, in order to shut out painful sounds or other unwanted stimuli, the child closes down the hearing mechanism so that certain sounds cannot penetrate the consciousness.

On a physiological level, this closing off of the ear is achieved by a relaxation of the muscles of the middle ear. Over time, these muscles lose their tonicity. Sounds are then imprecisely perceived and, as a result, incorrectly analyzed.

Tomatis believes that the reluctance of autistic kids to communicate results from the closing off of their being to auditory input. Although they may understand what is said to them, they have tuned out many of the frequencies in the sound and have thus tuned out the emotional content of the message.

Sound Therapy offers a child with autism the opportunity to re-open the listening capacity. The fluctuating sounds produced by the Electronic Ear gradually exercise and tone the ear muscles, teaching the ear to respond to and recognize the full range of frequencies. As this happens, communication takes on new meanings, and the child begins to respond where before he or she was unreachable.

Tomatis discovered that because of the way the fetal ear develops, the first sounds heard in utero are high frequency sounds. The child hears not only the mother's heartbeat and visceral noises but also her voice. Re-awakening the child's ability to hear high frequencies re-creates this earliest auditory experience and enables emotional contact to be made with the mother first and then with others.

Kids with speech difficulties should listen to Sound Therapy every day for 30 to 60 minutes per day or more if desired. Regular daily listening is essential for the right ear dominance to be achieved. The Let's Recite tape in the Family Kit is good to use for kids with speech difficulties as it gives them the opportunity to repeat what is said and integrate their speaking with their new experience of listening. Another good exercise for kids with any form of speech difficulty is speaking into a microphone while monitoring their voice through the right ear. This can be done using a personal cassette player with a microphone and wearing only the right headphone. The child can speak, sing, read or make any vocal sounds.

A similar effect can be achieved without the equipment by simply closing off the right ear with fingers or an ear plug. This increases the volume of the child's own voice in the right ear. This exercise can be done for some time each day in conjunction with the listening.

What Sound Therapy has achieved with Autistic kids—

· Kids who can speak may develop a more appropriate use of language, e.g. beginning to use more personal pronouns ("I", "you") or first names, and using words to express their feelings.

· For kids without language, vocalization has increased, initially as screams and then as babbling.

· Increased eye contact and the kids have a longer attention span.

· Initiate contact rather than waiting to be approached.

· Interactions with their family members have become more affectionate and appropriate.

· Once kids have begun to emerge from their emotional isolation they have shown increasing responsiveness to what they are being taught and to the people who care for them.

· They may begin to laugh and cry at appropriate times.

· They show a greater interest in making contact and communicating with the people around them.

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