Promoting Children's Self-esteem

My son is feeling more and more negative about himself. No one ever wants to play with him and it's painful to hear him say such negative things. What do I say to him when he talks like that? It seems like talking positively can make it worse.

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Moms & dads, more than anyone else can promote their youngster's self-esteem. It isn't a particularly difficult thing to do. If fact, most moms & dads do it without even realizing that their words and actions have great impact on how their youngster or teenager feels about himself. Here are some suggestions to keep in mind.

When you feel good about your youngster, mention it to him. Moms & dads are often quick to express negative feelings to kids but somehow don't get around to describing positive feelings. A youngster doesn't know when you are feeling good about him and he needs to hear you tell him that you like having him in the family. Kids remember positive statements we say to them. They store them up and "replay" these statements to themselves. Practice giving your youngster words of encouragement throughout each day.

Be generous with praise. Use what is called descriptive praise to let your youngster know when they are doing something well. You must of course become in the habit of looking for situations in which your youngster is doing a good job or displaying a talent. When your youngster completes a task or chore you could say, "I really like the way you straightened your room. You found a place for every thing and put each thing in its place." When you observe them showing a talent you might say, "That last piece you played was great. You really have a lot of musical talent." Don't be afraid to give praise often even in front of family or friends. Also, use praise to point out positive character traits. For instance, "You are a very kind person." Or, "I like the way you stick with things you do even when it seems hard to do." You can even praise a youngster for something he did not do such as "I really liked how you accepted my answer of 'no' and didn't lose your temper."

Teach your youngster to practice making positive self-statements. Self-talk is very important in everything we do. Psychologists have found that negative self-talk is behind depression and anxiety. What we think determines how we feel and how we feel determines how we behave. Therefore, it is important to teach kids to be positive about how they "talk to themselves." Some examples of useful self-talk are: "I can get this problem, if I just keep trying." "It's OK if our team lost today. We all tried our best and you can't win them all." "It makes me feel good to help others even if the person doesn't notice or thank me."

Avoid criticism that takes the form of ridicule or shame. Sometimes it is necessary to criticize a youngster's actions, and it is appropriate that moms & dads do so. When, however the criticism is directed to the youngster as a person it can easily deteriorate into ridicule or shame. It is important to learn to use "I statements" rather than "You statements" when giving criticism. For instance say, "I would like you to keep your clothes in the proper place in your closet or drawers not lying all over your room;" rather than saying "Why are you such a lazy slob? Can't you take care of anything?"

Teach your youngster about decision-making and to recognize when he has made a good decision. Kids make decisions all the time but often are not aware that they are doing so. There are a number of ways moms & dads can help kids improve their ability to consciously make wise decisions. Kids make decisions all the time but often are not aware that they are doing so. There are a number of ways moms & dads can help kids improve their ability to consciously make wise decisions.

1. Allow the youngster to choose one of the solutions only after fully considering the consequences. The best solution will be one that solves the problem and simultaneously makes the youngster feel good about himself.

2. Brainstorm the possible solutions. Usually there is more than one solution or choice to a given dilemma, and the parent can make an important contribution by pointing out this fact and by suggesting alternatives if the youngster has none.

3. Help the youngster clarify the problem that is creating the need for a decision. Ask him questions that pinpoint how he sees, hears, and feels about a situation and what may need to be changed.

4. Later join the youngster in evaluating the results of that particular solution. Did it work out well? Or did it fail? if so, why? Reviewing the tactics will equip the youngster to make a better decision the next time around.

Develop a positive approach to providing structure for your youngster. All kids and teens need to accept responsibility for their behavior. They should learn self-discipline. To help kids learn self-discipline, the parent needs to adopt the role of coach/teacher rather than that of disciplinarian and punisher. Learn the "Three Fs" of positive parenting. (Discipline should be fair, firm and friendly).

Ten additional steps you can take to help your youngster develop a positive self-image:

1. Encourage your kids to ask for what they want assertively, pointing out that there is no guarantee that they will get it. Reinforce them for asking and avoid anticipating their desires.

2. Encourage your kids to behave toward themselves the way they'd like their friends to behave toward them.

3. Encourage your kids to develop hobbies and interests which give them pleasure and which they can pursue independently.

4. Help kids learn to focus on their strengths by pointing out to them all the things they can do.

5. Help your kids develop "tease tolerance" by pointing out that some teasing can't hurt. Help kids learn to cope with teasing by ignoring it while using positive self-talk such as "names can never hurt me," "teases have no power over me," and "if I can resist this tease, then I'm building emotional muscle."

6. Help your kids think in terms of alternative options and possibilities rather than depending upon one option for satisfaction. A youngster who has only one friend and loses that friend is friendless. However, a youngster who has many friends and loses one, still has many. This same principle holds true in many different areas. Whenever you think there is only one thing which can satisfy you, you limit your potential for being satisfied! The more you help your kids realize that there are many options in every situation, the more you increase their potential for satisfaction.

7. Laugh with your kids and encourage them to laugh at themselves. People who take themselves very seriously are undoubtedly decreasing their enjoyment in life. A good sense of humor and the ability to make light of life are important ingredients for increasing one's overall enjoyment.

8. Let kids know they create and are responsible for any feeling they experience. Likewise, they are not responsible for others' feelings. Avoid blaming kids for how you feel.

9. Let kids settle their own disputes between siblings and friends alike.

10. Teach kids to change their demands to preferences. Point out to kids that there is no reason they must get everything they want and that they need not feel angry either. Encourage them to work against anger by setting a good example and by reinforcing them when they display appropriate irritation rather than anger.

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I will not allow her boyfriend to sleep at our house...

Hi Mark,

I have not been at peace with myself about this subject for the past 2 years. My daughter, M_____, is a freshman at college, lives on campus and has done very well the first semester. The college is 45 minutes away from our house, so she returns every weekend. I am having a terrible time with my inner peace about her spending nights with her boyfriend from high school, C___, when she returns home. I will not allow her boyfriend to sleep at our house, but the boyfriend lives with his grandparents who allow my daughter to sleep at their house. At first I was nice to him, but I do not respect him for encouraging her to do this. It has come to me not wanting to face him, so I don't.

A few months ago, I went as far as calling the grandmother to tell her that I am opposed to that behavior and we had a nice chat. Nothing has changed and my daughter at 18 continues to do this. She stayed every single night at the boyfriends over Christmas break. She did this with the last boyfriend as well. It eats me alive and my husband is very accepting of it, so it causes friction between he and I. Half the time, I just don't speak, as I am so upset with this behavior. I have said, "While living in our house, you have rules to follow". "If you want to do this when you have your own expenses and rent, then so be it". My views are never respected and I have come close to moving out of my own home because of it. I feel that if the boyfriend respected me, he would not let M_____ spend the night. It upsets me so much. I am more upset with my husband for letting her get away with it and she knows it. It is so difficult for me to accept this and my husband totally ignores my opinion, which upsets me more. It is a terrible example for my 10th grade daughter. I really resent my 18 yr old. She thinks because she is 18, it is ok. I am more disappointed in her and my husband for tarnishing my value system. We raised our girls with good values, attend church and taught them what is right and what is wrong. M_____ does not want to be involved in any church activities and has strayed from her faith, which hurts me, but I do know some teenagers do.

I need to find peace, and I really try, but I suppress it and then I blow at the first opportunity. I am busy with a job, workout regularly, teach Sunday school and volunteer at the church which gives me great joy, but I continue to feel so sad, embarrassed and disappointed with M_____'s behavior. She seldom eats dinner with us when she is home as she is always out. M_____ knows how important it is to me to have a family meal together.

Believe me, my husband and I got counseling from a wonderful man on how to handle her, but the problem is not sleeping at home when she comes home. My husband thinks we should get more counseling, but I now refuse as I have had enough. I do not need someone to tell me how to accept this because I never will. I feel let down by my husband too. My friends are great and offer me great support, which is always uplifting.

J.

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Hi J.,

I see two issues here really: (1) the fact that she is staying nights with her boyfriend, and (2) she’s not been coming home.

It's natural for a mother to feel some sadness when her child leaves home and spends a lot of time with a boyfriend. It is quite normal to have a little weep now and again – or even go into the absent child's bedroom and sit there for a bit in an attempt to feel closer to her.

We know of a successful, busy and confident woman - an agony aunt, in fact - who admitted she went into her son's bedroom to sniff his T-shirt shortly after he left to go to university for the first time.

So don't be ashamed of your feelings - they are natural.

But if you experience any of the following severe symptoms, you should seek professional help - especially if they go on for longer than a week:

· You feel your useful life has ended.
· You are crying excessively.
· You're so sad you don't want to mix with friends or go to work.

In this kind of situation, what seems to happen is that the child's departure unleashes seriously depressed feelings, and these very definitely need treating.

If you know that your sadness is overwhelming you, do go and discuss your feelings with your counselor as soon as possible. You almost certainly could use some counseling to get your feelings into perspective, and you may need antidepressants.

When your child leaves home, you'll obviously want to keep in touch with her. But don't try and do this excessively.

Be sensitive to the fact that your daughter is trying to take a big, significant step in life - which doesn’t actually much to do with you.

Your daughter will need your support, but will not want to feel like you’re nagging her. And the more you cling or show that you're upset the boyfriend, the less likelihood there is of her contacting you or coming to visit.

Ration your calls to no more than two a week. Also, try texting or using email instead of phoning. You'll be able to put your feelings succinctly without getting too emotional.

This form of communication will probably suit your daughter better, too. It's much easier for a young person to say 'I really miss you' in a message rather than on the phone, when other students (or a boyfriend) might be listening.

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