How do I know if my son has an emotional disability?

RE: "How do I know if my son has an emotional disability?"

Here's a check list of sorts:

• Ask your son if something has happened to him. Children sometimes act out in an attempt to draw attention to a problem they are having and are afraid of discussing.

• Ask your son's teacher if problems have occurred in the classroom and what things you can do to help your son at home.

• Beware of changes in environment or life events that may alter your son's behavior. Sometimes moving to a new town or school can cause a son to act out aggressively or overly emotionally in an attempt to adjust to the change.

• Have your son professionally tested if you think your son has an emotional disability or if behavioral problems are creating academic, social or other problems for your son.

• Look for emotional cues. Does your son pretend to be physically ill when confronted with a school event or a social situation? Does your son have excessive fear or anxiety associated with certain activities? Does your son cry excessively over seemingly little things?

• Look for patterns of aggressive behavior lasting six months or longer. Does your son consistently bully others or use aggressive force with other children or animals? Does your son initiate fights?

• Set rules. Look for major infractions of rules such as truancy or running away with older children. With younger children, look for consistently breaking rules, aggression toward siblings, stealing and lying.

• Talk openly with your son about the behavior that concerns you. Explain that you are concerned and want to make changes. Be specific and nonjudgmental.

• Watch your son in social peer situations. Is your son withdrawn or rejected by other children? Does your son dominate play, causing other children to not want to play?

• Watch your son when playing independently. Does your son act violently toward toys and inanimate objects? Is your son self-destructive? Does your son seem depressed or uninterested in activity? Does your son cry or become frustrated easily?

The above items will give you some indication as to whether or not he may have an emotional disability.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

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Stepfather and stepson ignore each other...

Hi Mark

I have recently joined your online parenting support to help my 14 yo son D___.

At the weekend he had a fight with his stepfather - caused by D___'s attitude towards me, and now his stepfather, my husband wants nothing to do with him. I don't know how to get him to watch your videos or take any interest in D___'s future. This is tearing me apart, they ignore each other or scowl and swear and I love and hate them both for what they are doing. I understand my husband, he has tried so hard to help D___ and he is just nasty to everyone. C___ has been with D___ since he was 2 years old. I don't know what to do. Can I do it on my own? Will the strategies still work?

Please help me… I want to get away from them both. I want to cry all the time (I don't do it but I want to), I totally lose thought when I'm driving and don't know where I am and it frightens me. I am terrified every time they are in the same room together, I don't know what might set them off. D___ is 6 ft 2" with a bad temper and terrible attitude. C_____ now refuses to be left alone with D___ as he may lie about him and get C_____ into trouble with the authorities. This puts the pressure of D___ totally on me.

I have watched your week one and part of week two videos and read all the pages and I know that we/I have done this to D___ and I want to undo it.

Please help me,

J.

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Hi J.,

Re: Can I do it on my own?

YES

Re: ...will the strategies still work?

YES

One of the hardest things for a step-father is to figure out his role in the household. Many a stepfather makes the error of trying to come into the household acting like a biological parent. This is a big mistake. A stepfather who tries to assume too much disciplinary authority will create resentment in the kids and become very frustrated over time.

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Your husband has a right to be treated with civility, and to expect that the household will be somewhat organized, but you are the kid's mother. It is your role to do the disciplining, and his role to support you and your decisions. It is critical to talk together to decide how you want to handle the worst situations and the things that the youngsters do that are the hardest for him to tolerate. 

However, unlike many biological dads, your husband should not be the 'enforcer.' You two need to come to some agreements so that you can present a united front to the kids. If the youngsters see him as the 'bad guy' and you as the 'protector' this is likely to hurt your marriage by putting you on separate 'teams'.

It also sounds like your husband may not have age appropriate expectations for your kids. It will be very important for the success of your family that you get some help dealing with this issue. Yelling, threatening or intimidating kids will lead to avoidance, fear and anger. I am sure your husband is trying to establish his authority, and that is not inappropriate in itself, but parenting through intimidation will lead to a very unhappy household, particularly when these youngsters enter adolescence and start yelling back!

I would strongly encourage you to get some help from a psychologist or counselor. You and your husband should meet with the clinician as a couple to help you both get on the same page about how you would like your household to be (I would not involve the youngsters in the therapy for some time - if at all). 

Your husband will do a lot for your marriage by learning to parent through positive means (which are more effective than punishment or intimidation). It will probably also help your husband to hear from someone besides you regarding what he can and cannot expect from kids this age.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

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Is there still hope for her?

Good Morning Mark

My 14 year old daughter left the house without my knowledge, and the police brought her home at midnight. She had been out riding around with a 19 yr old boy and several of her friends. The boy was one of the girl's cousin. The car matched the description of one the police were looking for. They took all the girls home and talked to all of them.

She knows the house rule about leaving the house, and broke it anyway. I took away her phone, and then returned it the next day with only family in her contacts and all others are locked out from her contact so that she can't call or text msg them.

My boyfriend broke it off with me after I told him about this, and my brother in law said that she was going to end up in jail. My question is: We have just started the out of control teen a few months ago, is there still hope for her? Everyone expects immediate results, except for me. I can see the changes, but we still have miles to go.

T.

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Hi T.,

Re: "...is there still hope for her?"

Yes. Of course. I think things are going well actually. The process of change is PAINFULLY slow sometimes -- but as long as there is slow but steady improvement, then thank God for it.

Sorry your b-friend lost hope early,

Mark

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