Should Teens Be Forced To Attend Church?

Hi,

I have been using the parenting strategies since July. Things were going well, and my son even earned the privilege of a driving permit in October, which would allow him to take his driving test to have a driver's license. If he had stayed on track, he would have had his driver's test scheduled in November. However, within 1 week of earning the driving permit, he began to become rebellious again, argumentative, and sloppy or forgetful about his chores. I asked him what was bothering him, but he refused to say; he only had insults for me.

In the beginning of November, my son said that it was not fair for us to make him attend church on Sundays. I reminded him that it was a house rule that was agreed to by him. He told me that he did not believe there was anything after a person dies. I did not argue with him. 2 days after that statement, my son was hospitalized for 8 days because of seizures. He had over 60 seizures in that time span. My son was upset with me because we prayed for him-the seizures stopped.

He is at home now and has refused to go to church today. I repeated the request for him to be ready by 9am. I waited 10 minutes, and issued a warning of the consequence. I took his game controller when he did not get up. He told me that he was taking a stand for his faith. He told me he was agnostic 2 weeks ago.

This looks like a power struggle to me. However, I don't believe my husband will back down and let this go once he finds out. My husband strongly believes that his household will serve the Lord (at the least attend church). I believe this also, but would prefer to avoid the power struggle first.

What strategy should I have used? Once again, I will probably be in the cross fire between my son and his step-father.

Click here for my response...

Would you have any tips on how to get an ODD child to take his medicine [has bronchitis]?

Yes I do. Here's how to get difficult children to cooperate:

• Avoid physical struggles. If you start holding a youngster down to give him medicine, you may have to do it again and again. If you find you are physically forcing a youngster to take his medicine on a regular basis, this may be a sign that you should talk with your doctor, nurse or social worker for professional advice.

• Explain how medicine helps children get well. Young children don't always understand how medicine works. You could explain it by simply saying, "This medicine will help you feel better so you can go back to the playground." You could also mention what the medicine is accomplishing: "You didn't wake up at all last night. That's because the medicine took your pain away."

• Explain the consequences. If a youngster refuses to take medicine, explain that he is making a choice that has consequences. You could say, ‘I see you're choosing to stay in the house and not go outside and play until you take this medicine.’ If you're trying to get out the door you might say, 'I see you're choosing to have me give you the medicine, instead of taking it yourself.'

• Give medications at the same time and place. It helps to create a designated spot in your house for giving medicine and to create a routine. To stay on schedule, put a checklist on the refrigerator or your youngster's door. With every dose of medication, have your youngster make a check or put a sticker on the list.

• If your youngster still resists, give him an "out." Before you take away a privilege, try giving your youngster an "out" or suggest taking a short break. This allows him to save face and regroup, physically and emotionally. Perhaps you just take a moment and give your youngster a hug, or get a drink of water and briefly break the cycle. But make sure that a five-minute break is only five minutes long.

• Let another adult take over. For children who are truly resistant, parents might divide the responsibility of who gives the medicine. This gives one parent a necessary break and helps the youngster realize that both parents are capable of handling this.

• Make the medication taste better, if your doctor approves. Sometimes keeping liquid medications cold makes them more palatable. And if your doctor allows, you can also put medicine in juice or add flavorings to it. Ask your doctor and pharmacist if the medication will taste bad, and if it's safe to add a flavoring. You can also inquire if it's safe to mix a liquid medicine with juice or food. But check with your doctor or nurse practitioner to make sure, before you do. Orange juice is often used to conceal bad-tasting medicine.

• Offer choices whenever you can. Taking medicine is non-negotiable, but other things are. Even the simplest choices give the youngster a needed sense of control over the situation and over his body. Offer two simple choices, such as, "Do you want the medicine before you get dressed or after?" or, "Would you like apple, orange or grape juice with your medicine?"

Mark Hutten, M.A.

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Out of Control Daughter

Good Morning Mark, I have finished the 4 weeks and have used some of the suggestions. I have a couple of questions at this point. Before we started the course, we had pretty much taken away "all" of my daughters "stuff" and "freedom". Over the last 4 weeks, we have been looking for reasons to give things back so we can get on track. However, things keep coming up: she gets caught not telling the truth, skipping class at school, being late at school and not turning in assignments. I feel like I can't give her "stuff" and "freedom" back when things keep coming up - and I have lost any leverage with her at all for future offenses. Do you have a suggestion?

Secondly, as a parent, what is your opinion about reading our kids e-mail, etc.? We have found things out this way in the past. The problem with this is that if I find something, I usually end up trying to circumvent the situation - it is very hard to let her make the mistake when I know what she is going to do before she does it.

Thirdly, I have reason to believe that she is going to try smoking pot. If I find out that she does and we tell her that next time we will call the cops. I am worried about following through with that threat because I don't want her to have a record later in life. Do you know what kinds of repercussions are typically involved?

Thanks for your time, N.

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Hi N.,

Re: I feel like I can't give her "stuff" and "freedom" back when things keep coming up - and I have lost any leverage with her at all for future offenses. Do you have a suggestion?

This "piling up" as you call it is addressed in SESSION #2 [online version of the ebook] under the section The Art Of Saying ‘No’ …look for Q & A - On Discipline [right side of page].

Re: Secondly, as a parent, what is your opinion about reading our kids e-mail, etc.?

Safety should always come first. Parents need to do whatever they must in order to ensure this safety. If that means reading the teen's journal, then so be it. If that means looking through dresser drawers or looking at their internet history, so be it.

Parents often make the mistake of trying to be their teen's best friend. The problem with that is parents are not meant to be their teen's best friend. They are meant to be parents...guiding forces that set boundaries, give consequences, and help the teen get ready for adulthood. It isn't always a pretty job...but it is a very necessary job. To turn a blind eye can put a teen's very life in danger.

Does this mean that parents need to always be suspicious of their teen? Of course not. However, if parents see clues that something is amiss in the life of their teen who will not open up, it is probably time for the parents to do some detective work.

Re: I have reason to believe that she is going to try smoking pot. If I find out that she does and we tell her that next time we will call the cops. I am worried about following through with that threat because I don't want her to have a record later in life. Do you know what kind of repercussions are typically involved?

I don't have much to add other than the recommendation in session #4 [under "Read These Emails From Exasperated parents" - online version of the ebook]. To ignore that recommendation is to employ "half-measures". Also, a juvenile's record is expunged and thus, does not follow them into adulthood.

Mark Hutten, M.A.


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