"Bargaining" with Your Teenager: A Big Mistake

Moms and dads often fall into the trap of bargaining with their youngster, sometimes to make their own lives easier or because they want to be “friends” with their child, and sometimes because they feel guilt or shame about issues from the past such as getting a divorce, moving the family, or working too many hours.

Moms and dads often fall into the bargaining trap when they are unclear about which rules are negotiable and which are non-negotiable. Although bargaining with your child may resolve the immediate conflict, a pattern of bargaining could indicate an unhealthy disruption in the balance of power in the parent-child relationship.

Bargaining is often a sign that parents are losing authority over their youngster, particularly when they begin bargaining about rules that are, or should be, hard lines in the sand. Teenagers and preteens may feel a misplaced sense of entitlement that begins to wear away at a parent’s authority.

Entitlement is when someone believes they have a right to make a choice that is outside of their power. When moms and dads repeatedly let their youngster make decisions that are outside of the child’s power, the child becomes inflated with a sense of self that is inaccurate in terms of the youngster’s belief in her ability to affect the outcome of events.

Power is given to parents – not kids – for good reason. Moms and dads have the experience, knowledge, and wisdom to keep their kids safe and make good decisions for their youngster. Of course, there are times when it is fair and appropriate to negotiate and compromise with teenagers. Power can certainly be shared, but only when the outcome does not have the potential to harm the child.

Rather than bargaining with your youngster, empower him to influence the outcome of decisions that truly are negotiable and draw clear boundaries in areas that are not up for debate. For example, moms and dads may share power with a child around some of the TV programs the youngster watches. However, the parent should not share decision-making power with the child if a program has content that is too advanced for the child’s age and maturity level. This is an example of a non-negotiable item – there is no discussion or negotiation. Similarly, a middle school-aged youngster should not be allowed to negotiate about which friends she has sleepovers with, what parties she can attend, or how late she can stay out at night. Nor should a middle school child be allowed to choose not to go to school. Permitting a youngster to do so allows him to usurp the parent’s authority on matters that should be non-negotiable because they are in the child’s best interest.

Not only do parents give up their authority in the bargaining process, but they also surrender their personal power – their power to make choices that align with their personal values. For example, a parent gives away personal power when she allows a youngster to speak disrespectfully to adults without any consequences. The parent may feel powerless to stop the child from treating her in a manner that goes against her personal values.

The way to regain personal power is by maintaining boundaries. Knowing which rules are negotiable and which are non-negotiable and sticking to it is the first step. It’s also important for parents to take care of their own mental and physical health by making time for themselves. In doing so, you become a role model to your youngster, showing her how to get her needs met in a healthy way. Knowing what your values and morals are and living by them is another way to set clear guidelines for your child.

Tips for Avoiding Power Struggles—

While the occasional power struggle is a natural part of parenting, setting up a pattern of bargaining can set the stage for a contentious parent-child relationship during high school and beyond. The following are a few suggestions for avoiding power struggles with your teenager:

1. Always listen to your kids. You can validate their feelings without necessarily agreeing. For example, you may want to say, “I understand that you feel left out because everyone else is going to the party. Nevertheless, I am not comfortable with you going.”

2. Decide which rules or topics are non-negotiable. Talk with your spouse to make sure both of you are on the same page and are prepared to present a united front to your teenager.

3. Do not get stuck in an argument. Too many words are usually a sign that you are negotiating. The longer the conversation continues, the more your teenager feels she can change your mind.

4. Inform your youngster that these particular items are no longer up for negotiation and that when you, the parent, say “no” or that a topic is not up for discussion, you are exercising your legal authority to make decisions in the best interest of your youngster.

5. Inform your child which areas are open for discussion and possible negotiation.

6. Understand that if you have allowed your youngster to negotiate in the past and are trying to regain your personal power in the relationship, the process takes time. You may have to set multiple boundaries and have the same discussion several times. Teenagers will test every rule. For example, “Can I go to Jenny’s house?” “No.” “Can I go to the mall with Jenny?” “No.” “Can I study with Jenny and Sarah?” “No.”

7. Recognize that a youngster who has negotiated before will try to negotiate again – and this time, she’ll press even harder, hoping that you will give in. Parental responses to these pleas for negotiation should be neutral but firm, such as:

• “I’m sorry you’re disappointed, but that is my final word.”
• “If you continue to push this, I will have to _____ (e.g., ground you for the evening for not accepting my decision, take away your cell phone for 24 hours, etc.).”
• “Nevertheless, you will not be going to Susan’s house for an overnight.”
• “This is not negotiable. I am not comfortable with you going to Mike’s house for the reasons we have already discussed.”

The next time your youngster tries to spark a debate on a non-negotiable issue or “win” in a bargaining exchange, remember these tips and do yourself and your child a favor by drawing a clear, but fair boundary. If you have used these strategies in the past and your youngster continues to struggle with respect, rules, and authority, it may be time for a professional intervention.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Parenting the Angry, Defiant Child

The majority of the population does not understand the dynamics of parenting a defiant child. Small expectations on the parent's part can set the defiant child off in ways that are not only indescribable, but also often unbelievable.

Family and friends may think that you - the parent - are the one with the problem. Support is non-existent, because outsiders can't even begin to imagine that children can be so destructive. Where does that leave a parent?

Without strong support and understanding, the parent will become isolated, hurt, demoralized and confused. You begin to question your parenting abilities - and your own sanity.

The ongoing stress can result in disastrous effects on our well-being, literally causing our emotional and physical health to deteriorate - as well as causing us to rage at our child, thus making a bad problem worse.

In parenting a defiant child, you will not escape adverse effects. It is essential to recognize that your feelings are typical under stressful conditions. It is just as essential to accept the fact that extensive stress is unhealthy. By recognizing the symptoms and seeking support, you will strengthen your abilities to cope.

The strains a defiant child puts on your family can be enormous.

Effects on the family:

• A defiant child will play one parent off the other, which could result in a rift between parents.
• Due to the child’s disruptive behavior, parents often withdraw from social functions.
• Parents appear to be unfair, strict and sometimes hostile, as parenting skills used with healthy children do not work with defiant children.
• Siblings and pets can often be targeted and threatened.
• Siblings often feel ignored or overlooked as the defiant child takes up so much of the parent’s time.

Defiant children are not bad - but they are very intense. And they seek intensity from others as well - especially their parents! Unfortunately, they have discovered that their parents are the most intense and exciting when things are going wrong. What parents may have viewed as punishment for their defiant child was actually a reward (i.e., he/she received a bigger payoff for misbehavior).

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Behavioral Problems In School

"What are your suggestions for a 13 yo (boy) who behaves well enough at home, but is in constant trouble at school for arguing and fighting with some of the other students?"

There are all sorts of reasons why kids misbehave in school. By the time a child is reacting with violence, it's too late to institute a quick fix. Newspaper articles about kids whose behavior problems have turned tragic often talk about missed opportunities and why nobody helped. Here are five ways to start dealing with problems or potential problems early, when there is still time to work with teachers and administrators to make school a tolerable place for your youngster.

1. Be realistic about your youngster's abilities— Pushing and motivating and holding high expectations can drive some kids to be all they can be, but it can drive others straight into anxiety and depression. Would you want to work at a job, day in and day out, where you always had to be at the top of your abilities, handling things you weren't quite on top of and hoping things turn out alright? Children can't quit, and they have very little recourse in terms of demanding better working conditions, but they can find all sorts of ways to act out their anger and despair. Be honest and compassionate when considering what sort of classroom your son will learn best in and what sorts of supports he will require. Academics are important, and it's not wrong to make them your biggest concern, but emotional support and feelings of mastery are important, too.

2. Be respectful of authority yourself— We all know how important it is to fight for our kids and be strong, effective advocates. That struggle may lead us to conclude that some teachers and some administrators are not worthy of our respect, and their judgment is subject to doubt. But be very, very careful how you communicate that to your youngster. You may think the message you're giving is that grown-ups can be wrong, and you will always stick up for him, and he should value himself even when others criticize. The message your youngster receives, though, may be that it's okay to be disrespectful to teachers, the rules don't apply to him, and you will clean up every mess he makes. That's an attitude that's sure to cause major problems at school, and beyond. If you teach a kid to question authority, sooner or later he's going to question yours.

3. Listen when your youngster talks— Children don't answer the question "How was school?" because they know moms and dads only want to hear good news. Moms and dads need to reconnect with what it really feels like to be in school -- the uncomfortable desks, the stuffy classrooms, the disengaged teachers, the work that is either too easy or too hard. Think about what it really feels like to be your youngster at school. Ask questions about feelings, and really listen to what he says. Don't be quick with a pep talk and a pat on the back. Having someone to listen, without judging, can help defuse some of the frustration that might later erupt in dangerous behavior. And if you listen closely, you may be able to figure out other ways to lessen your son's emotional burden.

4. Request an FBA— If the school is sending home complaints about your youngster's behavior -- and expecting you to do something about it -- put the ball back in their court by requesting a Functional Behavior Assessment (FBA). This will force school personnel to really think about your youngster's behavior, not just react to it. An FBA examines what comes before bad behavior and what the consequences are for it, what possible function the behavior could serve for the youngster, and what sorts of things could be setting him off. If a youngster finds class work too hard or a classroom too oppressive, for example, getting sent to the hallway or the principal or home could become a reward, not a punishment. Conducting an FBA and writing a behavior plan based on it is probably the best way to head off discipline problems. If teachers and administrators refuse to go along with it, you might need to do a little behavior analysis on them.

5. Volunteer at your youngster's school— Being a presence at your son's school -- whether you volunteer at the library or help in the lunchroom, serve as class parent, or staff special events -- pays numerous dividends. It gets you known by the administration in a non-adversarial context. It lets your youngster know that school is important to you and a place you want to be. It gives you an opportunity to observe what goes on in that building, from the conduct of the children to the morale of the teachers. If you can't spare the time to volunteer during the school day, attend every Home and School Association meeting you can, and be sure to show up for Back to School nights and teacher conferences. When school personnel get to know you as an involved and interested parent, they're more likely to be your ally when problems come up.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents