Getting Defiant Children and Teens To Do Their Homework: 12 Tips for Parents

Moms and dads can play a crucial role in helping defiant children and adolescents handle homework challenges and succeed in school by lending a little help, support, and guidance, and by knowing what problems demand their involvement and which ones require them to hang back.

1. Apply school to the “real world”— Talk about how what children/adolescents learn now applies outside the classroom, such as the importance of meeting deadlines — as they'll also have to do in the workplace — or how topics in history class relate to what's happening in today's news.

2. Be in touch with school— Maintain contact with guidance counselors and educators throughout the school year to stay informed, especially if your child or adolescent is struggling. They'll keep you apprised of what's going on at school and how to help your adolescent. They can guide you to tutoring options, offer perspective on course load, and provide guidance on any issues, such as dyslexia, ADHD, or vision or hearing difficulties. You can also be kept in the loop about tests, quizzes, and projects.

3. Be there— You don't have to hover at homework time, but be around in case you're needed. If your child or teen is frazzled by geometry problems she's been trying to solve for hours, for instance, suggest she take a break, maybe by going shopping with you. A fresh mind may be all she needed, but when it's time to return to homework, ask how you can help.

4. Create an Environment Geared Toward Your Adolescent— Some children/adolescents need privacy, others prefer people around them. Find the place in your home that your adolescent is comfortable to do his work. Have the tools they need to get the work done. Adolescents are a lot like us... they get aggravated. After a full day at school the last thing they want to do is homework. After they get themselves to the table, all ready to go, what they don't need is to have to search for a piece of construction paper. It will be the straw that broke the camel’s back, and they will give up. We all know how this feels, so try and have what they need available.

5. Don’t forget the study skills— Help your child/adolescent develop good study skills — both in class and on homework. No one is born knowing how to study and often those skills aren't stressed in the classroom. When you're helping your adolescent study for a test, for instance, suggest such strategies as using flashcards to memorize facts or taking notes and underlining while reading.

6. Don't Let Them Overwhelm Themselves— When teenagers enter High School, they are offered many, different activities. Some adolescents try and do it all. This is a good time to explain to your adolescent that there is such a thing as 'too much of a good thing'. See how they handle the responsibility of an activity before allowing them something else.

7. Encourage teens to reach out— Most educators are available for extra help before or after school, and also might be able to recommend other resources. Encourage your child or adolescent to ask for help, if needed, but remember that in school children are rewarded for knowing the right answers – and no one likes to stand out by saying that they don't have them. Praise your adolescent's hard work and effort, and ask the guidance counselor or educators for resources for support if you need them.

8. Get On Top of the Situation— The first week, call or make an appointment to meet their educators. Get to know them, make them feel comfortable to get in touch with you. This, of course is something your child or adolescent isn't going to like, even if they are a good student. Educators that you have called to introduce yourself to are much more conscious of your adolescent in their class. So, not only does your adolescent know that you care about their education, the educators do also.

9. Instill organization skills— No one is born with great organizational skills — they're learned and practiced over time. Most children first encounter multiple educators and classrooms in middle school, when organization becomes a key to succeeding. Give your adolescent a calendar or personal planner to help her get organized.

10. Pick a Time and Stick To It—Routines make your child or adolescent feel safe and secure. When adolescents feel safe and secure, they are at their best. Get rid of the question, “Did you do your homework yet?” Know that from this time to this time, they are working on it. Be available at that time should they have questions. Let your adolescent be the one to come up with his daily routine. They are more apt to stick with it this way. Set up a consequence if they are unable to stick to the routine, beforehand.

11. Plan ahead— Regularly sit down with your child or adolescent to go over class loads and make sure they're balanced. If your adolescent has a particularly big workload from classes, you may want to see if you can shuffle the daily schedule so that there's a study hall during the day or limit after-school activities. Educators or guidance counselors might have some perspective on which classes are going to require more or less work.

12. Set Up Shop— Make sure your child or adolescent has a quiet, well-lit, distraction-free place to study. The space should be stocked with paper, pencils, a calculator, dictionary, thesaurus, and any other necessary supplies. It should be away from distractions like TVs, ringing phones, and video games.

Don't wait for report cards to find out that there are problems at school. The sooner you intervene, the sooner you can help your defiant child or adolescent get back on track.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

How to Get Oppositional Children and Teens to Cooperate

Since kids pass through many developmental stages as they mature, it is important to understand the differences between normal childhood attempts to defy authority and symptoms of full-blown Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD). Oppositional defiant kids share many of the following characteristics:

• The ODD youngster is socially exploitive and very quick to notice how others respond. He then uses these responses to his advantage in family or social environments, or both.
• These kids tolerate a great deal of negativity – in fact they seem to thrive on large amounts of conflict, anger and negativity from others, and are frequently the winners in escalating battles of negativity.
• They possess a strong need for control, and will do just about anything to gain power.
• They typically deny responsibility for their misbehavior and have little insight into how they impact others.

Besides ODD, these kids may also have another psychiatric disorder. ODD is frequently a co-morbid condition with ADHD. It can also be diagnosed along with:

• Anxiety and mood disorders
• Asperger’s
• Language-processing impairments
• Nonverbal learning disabilities. 
• Obsessive-compulsive disorder
• Sensory integration deficits
• Tourette Syndrome

Some researchers believe that many of the symptoms of these disorders may share common neurobiological mechanisms. If your youngster is affected by one of these disorders, it is critical to keep in mind that ODD can create additional problems for you and your youngster.

Many authorities on parenting have indicated that oppositional behavior is more prevalent when structure in the home is out of balance (i.e., when there is either too much structure or not enough).

In an overly structured environment, the parenting is rigid and inflexible. These moms and dads “micromanage” and come down hard on their kids, controlling every aspect of their lives. This particular style of parenting only serves to create more opposition and defiance.

On the other hand, structure that is too loose can also cause difficulties. Kids can exhibit oppositional defiant behavior when moms and dads do not provide enough structure by setting appropriate boundaries, or establishing and following through with consequences for misbehavior. These moms and dads usually give in to all of their youngster’s demands, either out of fear of the youngster, or in an effort to keep themselves in the youngster’s good graces.

In order to prevent or reduce oppositional defiant behavior moms and dads should aim towards a firm and loving parenting style in which the structure is balanced. Moms and dads must take charge, and place themselves at the top of the family hierarchy. They must use their authority as moms and dads and, at the same time, make the youngster feel protected, loved and soothed.

How well the moms and dads get along, whether married or divorced, is another factor to consider in preventing oppositional behavior. When couples are unhappy or oppositional in themselves, they frequently disagree on parenting issues, significantly limiting their success in changing the behavior of their youngster. ODD children are experts at dividing their parent’s authority, and will most certainly take advantage of exploiting rifts between the parents. Couples counseling may be in order to decrease the hostility and conflict between moms and dads and set the stage for united, successful parenting.

Another factor to consider is how the family is affected by ODD. This can be one of the most stressful conditions a family faces and, when it is secondary to another neuropsychiatric disorder, that stress is compounded. Family counseling may be helpful to resolve family difficulties. The family therapist can provide a controlled environment which offers support and skills training to weary moms and dads.

Once marital and family issues are addressed, moms and dads can begin to train both themselves and their youngster. If parents continue to respond to quarrelsome behavior as they always have, the ODD child will continue to tune them out, escalate the arguments, and push parent’s buttons.

Most adults engage in an argument with concern for the outcome. The adult’s goal in an argument is to come to a resolution. In other words, what transpires as a result of the conflict is most important. As a parent, from your perspective, if you have determined the outcome of the argument, you are the one in control. For the oppositional youngster, the process of creating an argument is more meaningful to him than the outcome of the conflict. These arguments over insignificant issues may seem pointless however, with such a strong need for control; it is your oppositional youngster’s goal is to escalate the conflict until you are no longer the one in control.

What is important to the ODD child is not the issue being argued over as much as what is going to happen during the argument. In order to control the process of the argument, the oppositional defiant youngster attempts to determine the topic and direction of the conflict and seems to instinctively know when parents are feeling most vulnerable and their energy is low.

The ODD child will bring up conflict-laden issues during these times, aiming towards pushing your buttons and diverting you from issues in which you are likely to be attempting to exert your authority over her. When your ODD youngster finally pushes your buttons, in his mind, he has gained control of you and your emotions. At this point, he has now successfully taken over your position of authority. Furthermore, when you lose control of your emotions, your youngster’s anxiety level rises along with his defensiveness. When his defenses increase, he becomes more oppositional, which is his main defense mechanism. As he becomes more oppositional, the situation escalates and parents are caught in an endless cycle of conflict.

Strategies for avoiding conflict are essential to de-escalate the situation. It is wise to change the subject if your energy is low, or you suspect that the topic of discussion will result in an argument.

Walking away from the conflict is another strategy to consider. If you cannot change the subject, or walk away it is important to keep in mind that the ODD youngster’s goal is to push your buttons. Think about your endurance, how long can you endure really oppositional button pushing? When you get to the end of your rope, what are your options?

It is critical not to take what your youngster says personally. As soon as you defend yourself, your youngster, by the rules governing arguments, has the right to defend himself against your attack. In turn, you get to defend yourself, and he has now pushed your buttons and gained power. You do not have to defend yourself or try to convince him you are right. Do not lower yourself to the level of your oppositional youngster. There are two options available for preventing him from drawing you in:

1. Tell him, in an unruffled rational manner, that he has two choices. If he wants to stay around, he can change the subject and stop complaining – or he can go somewhere else in the house to complain if he chooses.
2. Should your youngster choose to escalate, it is time to use two powerful words which can cut through any argument. These words are “regardless” and “nevertheless”. For example, “nevertheless, this is how it is going to be…” Using these words repetitively (like a broken record), in a calm unemotional manner will serve to de-escalate the situation without allowing your youngster to draw you into the power struggle.

Utilizing effective consequences for the oppositional youngster can be difficult since this presents one more opportunity for conflict in which you are likely to lose power. Discussing consequences while you are in the midst of their negative behavior will most likely result in more frustration for you. Therefore, it is critical to focus on consequences that do not require cooperation of the youngster.

Rules and consequences must be clear, and in writing to provide clarity for both youngster and parent before the conflict occurs. Begin by removing reinforcers and allowing your youngster to earn the items back as a reward for acceptable behavior. Reinforcers include items such as television, stereos, CD’s computers, video games, telephones, bicycles, skateboards, visiting friends, access to favorite clothing, favorite foods, etc.

Once you have successfully avoided having your buttons pushed and gained some control over your youngster’s behavior, it is time to go on the offensive to soothe him, and help him get back to an even place. Oppositional kids do not like being soothed by their caretakers. This places them back into the role of being a youngster and puts you back into the role as the parent. One of the driving forces behind ODD is that, for whatever reasons, a youngster is trying to grow up too quickly and considers himself to be equal to his parent.

The ODD youngster may feel less loved due to the amount of conflict going on, and it is difficult to simultaneously feel loved as a youngster and try to operate on an adult level. Your youngster may know intellectually that he is loved, but not feel loved. Moms and dads must be able to show love, and soothe and nurture their youngster. This is not always easy to accomplish, especially when previous negative behavior patterns have become ingrained.

Kids look to their moms and dads for a sense of security, belonging and identity. As our society becomes more complex, the need for our kids to develop a clear set of values is critical. Current research also has indicated that boys with ADHD and increased oppositional behavior are at greater risk for later antisocial behavior. With this in mind, the need for structure becomes particularly relevant in today’s world.

It is apparent that kids affected by a variety of neuropsychiatric disorders are at greater risk for oppositional behavior. Since this behavior will create additional difficulties for them as they pass through the various developmental stages, it becomes even more important to use the authority vested in us as moms and dads to establish consistent limits and consequences, and to distinguish boundaries within the family. This will form a family unit characterized by established guidelines, affording kids a secure backdrop in which they can grow and thrive.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Parenting Oppositional Defiant Teens and Pre-teens