Children and Alcohol Drinking

Research has shown that nearly 80% of high school children have tried alcohol.

As much as moms and dads may not like to think about it, the truth is that many children and adolescents try alcohol during their high school and college years, long before it's legal for them to drink it. Research has shown that nearly 80% of high school children have tried alcohol.

Although experimentation with alcohol may be common among children, it's not safe or legal. So it's important to start discussing alcohol use and abuse with your children at an early age and keep talking about it as they grow up.

Alcohol interferes with a child's perception of reality and ability to make good decisions. This can be particularly hazardous for children and adolescents who have less problem-solving and decision-making experience.

Short-term effects of drinking include:

• altered perceptions and emotions
• bad breath
• distorted vision, hearing, and coordination
• hangovers
• impaired judgment, which can lead to accidents, drowning, and other risky behaviors like unsafe sex and drug use

Long-term effects include:

• an increased risk of impotence
• cirrhosis and cancer of the liver
• heart and central nervous system damage
• high risk for overdosing
• loss of appetite
• memory loss
• serious vitamin deficiencies
• stomach ailments

Long before your children are presented with a chance to drink alcohol, you can increase the chances that they'll just say "no." Childhood is a time of learning and discovery, so it's important to encourage children to ask questions, even ones that might be hard to answer. Open, honest, age-appropriate communication now sets the stage for your children to come to you later with other difficult topics or problems.

The later elementary school years are a crucial time in which you can influence your youngster's decisions about alcohol use. Children at this age tend to love to learn facts, especially strange ones, and are eager to learn how things work and what sources of information are available to them. So it's a good time to openly discuss facts about alcohol: its long- and short-term effects and consequences, its physical effects, and why it's especially dangerous for growing bodies.

Children also can be heavily influenced by friends now. Their interests may be determined by what their peers think. So teach your youngster to say "no" to peer-pressure, and discuss the importance of thinking and acting as an individual.

Casual discussions about alcohol and peers can take place at the dinner table as part of your normal conversation: "I've been reading about young children using alcohol. Do you ever hear about children using alcohol or other drugs in your school?"

By the adolescent years, your children should know the facts about alcohol and your attitudes and beliefs about substance abuse. So use this time to reinforce what you've already taught them and focus on keeping the lines of communication open.

Adolescents are more likely to engage in risky behaviors, and their increasing need for independence may make them want to defy their moms and dads' wishes or instructions. But if you make your adolescent feel accepted and respected as an individual, you increase the chances that your youngster will try to be open with you.

Children want to be liked and accepted by their friends, and they need a certain degree of privacy and trust. Avoid excessive preaching and threats, and instead, emphasize your love and concern. Even when they're annoyed by parental interest and questions, adolescents still recognize that it comes with the territory.

Teach children a variety of approaches to deal with offers of alcohol:

• Encourage them to ask questions. If a drink of any kind is offered, they should ask, "What is it?" and "Where did you get it?"
• Remind them to leave any uncomfortable situation. Make sure they have money for transportation or a phone number where you or another responsible adult can be reached.
• Teach children never to accept a ride from someone who has been drinking. Some moms and dads find that offering to pick up their children from an uncomfortable situation — no questions asked — helps encourage children to be honest and call when they need help.
• Teach them to say "no, thanks" when the drink offered is an alcoholic one.

Times of transition, such as the onset of puberty or a moms and dads' divorce, can lead children to alcohol use. So teach your children that even when life is upsetting or stressful, drinking alcohol as an escape can make a bad situation much worse.

Children who have problems with self-control or low self-esteem are more likely to abuse alcohol. They may not believe that they can handle their problems and frustrations without using something to make them feel better.

Children without a sense of connectedness with their families or who feel different in some way (appearance, economic circumstances, etc.) may also be at risk. Those who find it hard to believe in themselves desperately need the love and support of moms and dads or other family members.

In fact, not wanting to harm the relationships between themselves and the adults who care about them is the most common reason that young people give for not using alcohol and other drugs.

Fortunately, moms and dads can do much to protect their children from using and abusing alcohol:

• Be a good role model. Consider how your use of alcohol or medications may influence your children. Consider offering only nonalcoholic beverages at parties and other social events to show your children that you don't need to drink to have fun.
• Educate yourself about alcohol so you can be a better teacher. Read and collect information that you can share with children and other moms and dads.
• Teach children to manage stress in healthy ways, such as by seeking help from a trusted adult or engaging in a favorite activity.
• Try to be conscious of how you can help build your youngster's self-esteem. For example, children are more likely to feel good about themselves if you emphasize their strengths and positively reinforce healthy behaviors.

Despite your efforts, your youngster may still use — and abuse — alcohol. How can you tell?

Here are some common warning signs:

• alcohol disappearing from your home
• association with a new group of friends and reluctance to introduce them to you
• change in attendance or performance at school
• depression and developmental difficulties
• discipline problems at school
• loss of interest in school, sports, or other activities
• secrecy
• sudden change in mood or attitude
• the odor of alcohol
• withdrawal from family and friends

It's important not to jump to conclusions based on only one or two signs. Adolescence is a time of change — physically, socially, emotionally, and intellectually. This can lead to erratic behavior and mood swings as children try to cope with all of these changes.

If your youngster is using alcohol, there will usually be a cluster of these signs, like changes in friends, behavior, dress, attitude, mood, and grades. If you see a number of changes, look for all explanations by talking to your children, but don't overlook substance abuse as a possibility.

Other tips to try:

• Always make sure you have a phone number where you can reach your youngster.
• Have children check in regularly when they're away from home.
• Keep tabs on where your children go.
• Know the moms and dads of your youngster's friends.
• When spending an extended length of time away from you, your youngster should check in periodically with a phone call, e-mail, or visit home.

For adolescents, especially those old enough to drive, consider negotiating and signing a behavioral contract. This contract should spell out the way you expect your youngster to behave and state the consequences if your adolescent drives under the influence. Follow through and take the keys away, if necessary.

Make part of the deal with your adolescent that you and the rest of your family also agree never to drink and drive. Also encourage responsible behaviors, such as planning for a designated driver or calling an adult for help rather than driving under the influence.

It's important to keep communication open and expectations reasonable. Tying responsible actions to freedoms such as a later curfew or a driver's license can be a powerful motivator. Teach your children that freedom only comes with responsibility — a lesson that should last a lifetime.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents with Defiant Teens

Being a Stepfather: How to Make it Work

This article will show men how to be good stepfathers...

Becoming a stepfather by blending families or marrying someone with children can be a rewarding and fulfilling experience. If you've never had children, you'll get the opportunity to share your life with a child and help to shape his/her character. If you have children, you'll offer them more opportunities to build relationships and establish a special bond that only siblings can have.

In some cases, your new family members may get along without a hitch, but other times you can expect difficulties along the way. Figuring out your role as a stepfather — aside from the day-to-day responsibilities that come with it — also may lead to confusion or even conflict between you and your spouse, your spouse's ex-husband, and their children.

While there is no foolproof formula for creating the "perfect" family, it's important to approach this new situation with patience and understanding for the feelings of those involved.

Here's how to make things easier as you adapt to your new role:

Start Slow—

The initial role of a stepfather is that of another caring adult in a youngster's life, similar to a loving mentor. You may desire a closer bond right away, and might wonder what you're doing wrong if your new stepchild doesn't warm up to you or your children as quickly as you'd like — but relationships need time to grow.

Start out slow and try not to rush into things. Let things develop naturally — children can tell when grow-ups are being fake or insincere. Over time, you can develop a deeper, more meaningful relationship with your stepchildren, which doesn't necessarily have to resemble the one they share with their birth parents.

Stepfamily Stages—

1. Fantasy Stage-- Family members are on their best behavior. This is the "Brady Bunch" period. Everyone imagines they will love one another. Everyone envisions one big happy family living happily ever after.

2. Confusion Stage-- Tension grows. Happiness begins to slip away. Differences begin to emerge. The romance seems to disappear.

3. Conflict Stage-- Anger starts to erupt. Family members realize their needs are not being met. Arguments begin. Feelings start to come out. Hopefully, negotiations and honest communication also can begin.

4. Comfort Stage-- Family members start to relax. Members begin to feel hope for their future together. Communication is deeper and bonds solidify.

Factors That Affect Your Relationship—

Kids who are mourning the loss of a deceased parent or the separation or divorce of their birth parents may need time to heal before they can fully accept you as a new parent.

For those whose birth parents are still alive, remarriage may mean the end of hope that their parents will reunite. Even if it has been several years since the separation, children often hang onto that hope for a long time. From the children' perspective this reality can make them feel angry, hurt, and confused.

Other factors that may affect the transition into step-parenting:

• How long you dated your partner before marriage. Again, there are exceptions but typically if you don't rush into the relationship with your partner, children have a good sense that you are in this for the long haul.

• How long you've known them. Usually, the longer you know the children, the better the relationship. There are exceptions (e.g., if you were friends with the parents before they separated and are blamed for the break-up), but in most cases having a history together makes the transition a little smoother.

• How much time the children spend with you. Trying to bond with children every other weekend — when they want quality time with a birth parent they don't see as often as they'd like — can be a difficult way to make friends with your new stepchildren. Remember to put their needs first. If children want time with their birth parent, they should get it. So sometimes making yourself scarce can help smooth the path to a better relationship in the long run.

• How old the children are. When it comes to adjusting and forming new relationships, younger children generally have an easier time than older children.

• How well the person you marry gets along with her ex-spouse. This is a critical factor. Minimal conflict and open communication between ex-spouses can make a big difference regarding how easily children accept you as their stepfather. It's much easier for children to transition to new living arrangements when adults keep negative comments out of earshot.

Knowing ahead of time what situations may become problematic as you bring new family members together can help you prepare so that, if complications arise, you can handle them with an extra dose of patience and grace.

Emotions Commonly Experienced by Stepchildren—

• Jealousy— It is very hard for kids to share a parent with a newcomer. It is hard to share their space, their house, and their possessions. The remarried parent is often distracted and energized by a new spouse. The child may not generate this sort of energy and knows it.

• Guilt— Many kids of all ages blame themselves for their parents' divorce. They do not have an adult perspective. They have to try to understand the cause of a divorce with very limited insight and information. So they turn to what they do know - that their parents used to argue, often about parenting the kids. Saddled with this knowledge, kids feel guilty and responsible. Also, if a child likes a new stepmother or stepfather, the child may experience guilt at feeling "disloyal" to an absent biological mother or father.

• Grief— Remarriage only happens after a loss. The kids have lost one of the parents in their household through divorce or death. It is natural for them to be grieving. Their grief may not look like the grief of an adult. It may look more like irritating or distracted behavior.

• Fear— Kids have already suffered a major loss - the loss of a parent, of family stability - over which they've had no control. They may fear losing another parent. They may fear they will not fit into this new family.

Steps to Great Step-parenting—

All moms and dads face difficulties now and then. But when you're a stepfather, those obstacles are compounded by the fact that you are not the birth parent — this can open up power struggles within the family, whether it's from the children, your spouse's ex, or even your spouse.

When times get tough, however, putting children' needs first can help you make good decisions. Here's how:

• Be solid. Stepkids can be real arrow-throwers. They look for a chink in the armor of the new stepparent's integrity. Keep yours intact, and little by little, they'll most likely come to respect you. Being on good behavior doesn't mean you can't have fun or joke around, but paying attention to your actions can help you avoid getting improperly tagged by your young critics.

• Create new family traditions. Find special activities to do with your stepchildren, but be sure to get their feedback. Some new family traditions could include board game nights, bike riding together, cooking, doing crafts, or even playing quick word games in the car. The key is to have fun together, not to try to win their love — children are smart and will quickly figure out if you're trying to force a relationship.

• Don't try to be bio-dad. One huge complaint by stepkids is ambiguity about the status of a stepparent. Trying to get them to call you "dad" right off the bat is in bad form. Instead, try actually treating them normally for a while, like anyone else you might happen to share a roof with, and see how things develop.

• Don't use children as messengers or go-betweens. Try not to question children about what's happening in the other household — they'll resent it when they feel that they're being asked to "spy" on another parent. Wherever possible, communicate directly with your spouse about relevant matters, such as scheduling, visitation, health issues, or school problems. Online custody calendars make this process a little easier because moms and dads can note visitation days and share this information with each other via the Internet.

• Give it time. As people live together, they learn to relate. It's not that you should be distant, but take the progress in increments. Give the children breathing room; they do a lot of their adaptation by "figuring things out" which they can't do with a stepdad "in their business." Let them alone for their own bedroom-introspection time (even if it coincides with meals), and wait for them to adjust themselves to new realities.

• House rules matter. Keep your house rules as consistent as possible for all children, whether they're your children from a previous relationship, your spouse's children from a previous relationship, or new kids you have had together. Kids and adolescents will have different rules, but they should be consistently applied at all times. This helps children adjust to transitions, like moving to a new house or welcoming a new baby, and helps them feel that all children in your home are treated equally. If children are dealing with two very different sets of rules in each home, it may be time for an adults-only family meeting — otherwise children can learn to "work the system" for short-term gain but long-term problems.

• Love their mom. Maybe the overall measurement used by stepkids is your care and support for their previously single mother. She took care of them all by herself, and showing respect for that goes a long way. Being good to mom can mean the difference between a sound family structure and an all-out war at home.

• Make compromises. A good part of stepparent/stepchild relations is obviously territorial. Any attempt to "come into" the house and enforce ultimatums will probably be met with absolute scorn by anyone between the ages of 13 to 21. Even if you do pay the bills, it was their roof first. Be sensitive in your dealing; suggest and encourage rather than drawing lines in the sand.

• Put needs, not wants, first. Children need love, affection, and consistent rules above all else. Giving them toys or treats, especially if they're not earned with good grades or behavior, can lead to a situation where you feel like you're trading gifts for love. Similarly, if you feel guilty for treating your biological children differently from your stepchildren, don't buy gifts to make up for it. Do you best to figure out how to treat them more equally.

• Respect all parents. When a spouse's ex is deceased, it's important to be sensitive to and honor that person. If you and your spouse share custody with the birth parent, try to be courteous and compassionate in your interactions with each other. Never say negative things about the birth parent in front of the children. Doing so often backfires and children get angry with the parent making the remarks. No youngster likes to hear their moms and dads criticized, even if he or she is complaining about them to you.

• Talk to your spouse. Communication between you and your spouse is important so that you can make parenting decisions together. This is especially crucial if you each have different notions on parenting and discipline. If you're new to parenting as a stepfather, ask your spouse what would be the best way to get to know the children. Use resources to find out what children of different ages are interested in — and don't forget to ask them.

No matter what the circumstances of your new family, chances are there'll be some bumps along the way. But don't give up trying to make things work — even if things started off a little rocky, they still can improve as you and your new family members get to know each other better.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents and Step-Parents

How to Stop Truancy: 60 Tips for Parents

Truancy is a problem for every country with compulsory schooling, especially for kids between 12 and the age of leaving school. Views differ on the best way to deal with truancy. Some say truants need encouragement and special support, others that they should be punished to force them into the classroom. Some argue that many kids need more practical (vocational) lessons and work experience to get them ready for jobs, and that this would reduce truanting. But very often the moms and dads are blamed for not making the kids go to school.

Dealing with truancy is not fun for the parent, teacher or school administrator, but it is a necessary part of modern education. Unchecked truancy often results in legal problems for the child, but it can also affect parents as well. Avoid these unnecessary and unpleasant situations by (a) getting to know the issue, (b) getting to know your youngster, and (c) getting to know your youngster’s school in order to more effectively fight truancy.

Here are 60 ways to get your child to attend school on a regular basis:

1. Take an active interest in your kid’s schoolwork. Ask them to demonstrate what they learned in school. Know the kids your youngster associates with.

2. Ask your youngster her thoughts on truancy.

3. Volunteer to be a mentor and help kids address needs not currently supported in school such as music, athletics, the arts, or even poetry.

4. Look for early signs of a youngster’s decision that school is not worthwhile. Monitor changes in friendships, teachers, or classrooms or even the loss of a pet or family member. All of these things contribute to reasons why kids dread going to school.

5. Prepare your youngster for school with required supplies and clothes. If you need assistance, contact your local social services agency.

6. Regularly contact the school office to make sure your youngster is attending school. Check in with his or her teachers on a regular basis. Make random visits to your youngster’s classroom to observe.

7. Encourage your youngster to take an active role in the school by joining clubs or participating in sports. Teach them when and how to ask for help.

8. Ask your youngster how you can help. Think about what situations he or she might face and talk about ways to handle these situations before they occur.

9. Consider counseling in you, the parent, cannot resolve the issue on your own.

10. Contact the administrator of the school, or the school district administrator responsible for attendance or truancy. Learn the school district’s supervisory chain of command, and try to resolve the problem at the level closest to the student involved.

11. Contact the local juvenile court that manages the truancy petition process. Determine how your youngster’s situation fits the attendance and truancy policies and procedures.

12. Coordinate with the school. Parents can't do it alone. Whether it's arranging to have someone meet the parent on the playground to escort the youngster into school, or trying to ease the amount of makeup work, it's crucial that the school plays a role in integrating the youngster into the classroom.

13. Create a contract, set some boundaries, and make it more worth his while to go to school.

14. Seek other parents or older kids who are willing to help you and your youngster with homework. Make your home the homework center or develop a telephone tree to make help available to all neighborhood kids and their parents.

15. Discuss with your youngster the reasons she has been truant.

16. Don’t arrange homebound teaching.

17. Don’t ask for a change of teacher or classes.

18. Don’t excuse your youngster from school.

19. Don’t focus on your youngster’s anxiety.

20. Don’t give mixed messages by giving in sometimes.

21. Don’t suddenly change expectations as new demands will precipitate anxiety.

22. Don’t tell your youngster that he/she does not have to participate in school activities or does not have to attend school at all.

23. Drop your youngster at school in the morning and watching him enter the building.

24. Understand what your youngster is expected to learn at each grade level. Contact your state department of education, school district, or school for a copy of the standards and school attendance policies. Find out what goals your youngster’s teacher has for the year and how your youngster will be graded.

25. Encourage your youngster to develop outside interests.

26. Establish a carpool.

27. Get support for yourself.

28. Give the consistent message, “You will go to school.”

29. Have consistent expectations. Relaxing the rules for even one assignment or day can give a mixed message. Make sure that all your kids live up to the same standards.

30. Investigate what's going on at school. If it's an issue of bullying, parents need to find out what's really going on. Once parents know whether the youngster's complaint is a valid one, it's easier to work with the youngster around the issue, both in and outside of school.

31. Look for alternatives. If your youngster tells you he or she is bored at school, pursue support outside the school such as music lessons, sports clubs, neighborhood or church-related youth groups, or mentors. Seek out and enroll your youngster in a tutoring program, if necessary.

32. Maintain your routine. Stick to a regular schedule for homework, bedtime, and waking up.

33. Make it less fun to be at home. If your youngster knows he can sit at home and play video games during the school day, the incentive to stay home is greater than the incentive to be at school.

34. Make school relevant. Push for activities where students can take part in their own learning by developing projects to address community needs.

35. Look for negative behavior changes such as alcohol use or staying out late. Seek a counselor if your youngster’s behavior becomes, distant, withdrawn, anxious, depressed, delinquent or aggressive.

36. Obtain a copy of the district's policies and procedures regarding attendance and truancy. Attendance and truancy information is often contained in the student conduct section of a district’s policy manual, and is likely to be found in the Student Handbook issued by many schools. Some school districts place their policies on their Web sites.

37. Outline the punishments you will enforce if he engages in truancy.

38. Parents should identify the issue, make a plan, and stick to their guns. Once the youngster has overcome his fear of school, he'll probably thank you.

39. Sign up and attend parenting education programs. This is a great place to learn new techniques and to share what you have learned.

40. Plan visits to the doctor or dentist after the school day ends. If you must take an appointment during the school day, allow the youngster to miss only time needed for that appointment.

41. Always talk with the school before you plan your holiday or vacation.

42. Reward good attendance. However, keeping your youngster out of school for his or her birthday is not acceptable.

43. When your child skips a class, react immediately by insisting that your youngster attend school.

44. Read a story about how a boy or girl overcomes or copes with a fear related to school attendance.

45. Reassure the youngster that she can handle it.

46. Request meetings with teachers, if needed.

47. Rule out any medical conditions.

48. Set a time for your youngster to go to bed, wake up, have a healthy breakfast, arrive at school, and complete his/her homework. Monitor things in your home such as family routines that may prevent you or your youngster from keeping to the schedule.

49. Speak to other parents and guardians who have experienced the same issues and problems. This can be a great way to get valuable advice and information.

50. Insist that all community agencies—social workers, school counselors, or juvenile officers—work together to develop a coordinated plan of support for your youngster.

51. Seek outside assistance if necessary.

52. Set a baseline expectation. Having a youngster in school for any amount of time is better than having him at home. Though a youngster may only come to school for only an hour, or sit in the lobby all day, it's a lot easier to get them back into the regular classroom from that point.

53. Talk to your kids about the role education plays in future/ life success. Let them know that you do not approve of them missing school. Refuse to write an excuse for unacceptable reasons. Review acceptable and unacceptable behavior with your youngster.

54. Talk to neighbors about your youngster’s behaviors and activities. Set up a neighborhood watch or patrol to ensure that all kids go to school every day. Exchange numbers in case you need to reach a parent quickly.

55. Know the school’s attendance policy, the time school starts, the difference between an excused and unexcused absence, and share the information with your youngster.

56. Be sure that your youngster knows if he or she skips school, there will be consequences to pay such as losing television or video game time, limiting time with friends, or the loss of other privileges.

57. Talk with your youngster about acceptable and unacceptable behavior and grades. Discuss homework rules and school attendance.

58. Tell him your views on truancy.

59. Vote in local school board elections and voice your opinion about what is working or not working in schools.

60. Work as a team with the school and community.

=> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Dealing with Parenting Conflicts

Question

My husband and I often disagree on how to discipline our defiant ADHD son. How can we find ways to agree?

Answer

As you and your husband share the responsibilities of parenting and managing a defiant child with ADHD, problems will arise. Here are a few of the most common difficulties that today's moms and dads encounter with such a child -- and how you can handle them:

1. Competition— Sometimes rivalry can develop between parents over their kid's attention and love. If dad wants his daughter to spend Saturday afternoon fishing with him, but mom wants her to go shopping with her, they may struggle to get their way, putting the youngster in an unenviable position, right in the middle of the conflict. The two of you need to find ways to cooperate, not compete, with each other. That doesn't mean you have to agree on everything; but it does mean that you are committed to working together toward a more harmonious relationship and family life, and you are not going to let differences undermine your common goals. Each of you needs to demonstrate some flexibility. As you form ground rules for the family, identify the areas in which each parent excels. That parent should then exert leadership in the areas of his or her strength, so the decision-making responsibilities are divided within the family.

2. Confusion— Uncertainty about what stands to take and what rules to impose can create turmoil within the family. Too often, moms and dads are perplexed about issues like the degree of supervision required for their kids and the amount of freedom to give them. Mothers/fathers frequently do not make decisions at all, and that can leave their kids puzzled and dismayed over what is expected of them. You and your husband need to resolve your own ambivalence on important family matters and agree on a position on these issues. Then you must clearly inform the entire family about your decisions and how their own lives will be affected by them.

3. Inconsistency— Often moms and dads differ in their rules and expectations for their youngster. Mom might say, "You can't watch TV until your homework is finished"; but when she's away, Dad may say, "Go ahead and watch TV if you want to." Dad might insist that the youngster's bedtime is 8:30; Mom may say that stretching it until 9:00 is fine. Similar conflicts can develop over issues like approaches to discipline or a youngster's choice of friends. When these inconsistencies occur, one parent inevitably undermines the authority of the other. To begin to resolve this problem, you and your husband need to be explicit with each other about what your rules and expectations are. If necessary, write them down, review them and be sure they are workable. In areas in which you differ, find a compromise that you both can live with - and stick by it.

4. Non-Communication— If you and your husband do not talk about the issues the family faces, one of you may be left out of important matters you should be informed about. To avoid this situation, you and your husband need to commit yourselves to communicate about every significant issue in your family life. At least once a day the two of you need to check in with each other and discuss what happened that day that was important. At the same time, talk about long-term issues that may be confronting the family.

5. Overt Conflict— Too often, moms and dads argue and openly challenge each other on family-related matters. Perhaps their youngster has gotten into trouble at school, and the parents disagree about how to handle it; the mother may think the youngster should be grounded, while the father believes it wasn't her fault. They start to argue - sometimes for hours or even over a period of days - and eventually, rather than resolving the problem amicably, one parent wins out because the other ultimately gives in, at least for the moment. Nevertheless, the parental power struggle often begins all over again at a later time with a different issue, with some of the same anger from the previous conflict resurfacing. The wounds never fully heal and the animosity builds. Clearly, this is not a healthy situation. Mothers/fathers need to learn the skills of conflict resolution. These include:

• Clarifying points of difference

• Generating alternative solutions together

• Listening

• Negotiating

• Taking each other's feelings seriously

Remember, the way you handle conflict in your family is how your youngster learns to manage disagreement. Many community colleges offer seminars and courses on conflict resolution.

Interpersonal relationships do not exist in a vacuum. If you and your husband are having marital difficulties, they are likely to disrupt the entire family. When your marriage is not going well, your parenting skills and your kids will suffer.

Parents in the most successful families do not neglect marital problems. They commit themselves to spending time together as a couple and working together to resolve any misunderstandings, jealousies or conflicts. They make a commitment to communicate, praise, and forgive each other; they try to understand each other; and they routinely examine their relationship and how it can be improved.

Sometimes kids are a convenient excuse for not dealing with serious marital difficulties. Moms and dads may think, "The children require so much of our attention now; once they're grown, we'll have a lot of time to talk about the problems we have in our own relationship." But that is a prescription for marital and parenting disaster. Problems tend only to become worse with time, and once your kids are grown, you may not have much of a foundation to build on - if you are still together at all. So don't be complacent and let problems persist without attempting to solve them.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents with Defiant Teens

How To Get Your Child To Stop Arguing

All behavior is purposeful, and as such, it is critical that you understand your youngster’s goal. Everything our kids say and do has a purpose. At its most basic level, your youngster’s focus is to have some significance and establish a place in his various environments.

A well-adjusted youngster has found his way toward social acceptance by cooperating with the requirements of the group and by making his own useful contribution to it. The misbehaving youngster is still trying, in a mistaken way, to feel important in his own world. For example, a kid who has never been allowed to dress himself (because the mother/father is in a hurry), or who has not been allowed to help around the house ("you're not big enough to set the table"), may lack the feeling that he is a useful, contributing member of the family, and might feel important only when arousing a mother/father's anger and annoyance with misbehavior.

Most kids are not aware of the goals or purposes of their behavior. But their behavior, while appearing senseless and illogical to adults, makes complete sense in terms of his own perception of his place in the family, school and community. As such, when children misbehave, they are frequently trying to fulfill one of the following four primary goals:

1. Attention-getting— She wants attention and service. We, as moms and dads, respond by feeling annoyed and that we need to remind and coax her.
2. Display of inadequacy— She wants to be left alone with no demands made upon her. We respond by feeling despair (e.g., “I don't know what to do!").
3. Power— She wants to be the boss. We respond by feeling provoked and get into a power contest with her (e.g., “You can't get away with this!").
4. Revenge— She wants to hurt us. We respond by feeling deeply hurt (e.g., “I'll get even!").

If, as you read over these primary goals, you found the behavior and the parental response resonating with situations and events in your life, you have probably discovered the goal or purpose of your youngster's misbehavior. And once you understand the goal or purpose of a behavior, you can use the following principle to effectively change it:

==> Important Principle: If a given behavior isn’t fulfilling its goal or purpose, every youngster will opt for a different behavior.

Once we know why our children are doing what they are doing, and once we understand the goal or purpose of a given behavior, we are given a tremendous lever for inducing behavioral change. Let’s look at an example so that you can understand what I am saying here…

A lot of family’s that I have worked with over the years presented with a common complaint: “My youngster won’t listen to me anymore. Any time I try to get him to do something, all he wants to do is argue. My home has become a war zone and I just can’t stand living this way anymore.”

At this point, my question to the mother/father is this, “How do you react when your youngster becomes belligerent and begins arguing with you?” In most cases, the parent says he/she gets into an argument with the youngster. There is a “debate” with the situation escalating to the point that the mother/father gets fed up and says, “Go ahead, do whatever you want. You’re not going to listen to me anyway.”

Referring back to the list of goals of misbehavior listed above, why is this kid - or any kid - choosing to escalate the situation and argue with their mother/father? Isn’t that a perfect example of a kid who is acting up in order to take power and get what he wants? And by choosing to engage in the process, the mother/father is playing right into the kid’s hands.

Now what do you think would happen if the mother/father, rather than taking the bait, simply refused to get angry and refused to argue? What would happen if the mother/father said, “I’m not going to fight with you, and I’m not comfortable even discussing this with you until you calm down.”

First of all, the kid would probably have a heart attack because this isn’t the way he is used to doing business. Mom/dad has done something different, acting in an unpredictable way, and that is very confusing to the youngster. Predictably, once the initial shock wears off, the youngster might redouble his efforts to get the mother or father to engage. But what would happen if mom or dad held the line and refused to argue and fight with the youngster? What would happen if the parent went so far as to suggest that the youngster needed to go to another part of the house and come back when he has been able to get himself under control?

With a kid that is used to playing the anger card to get his way, he is likely to refuse this suggestion and continue to try to escalate the parent. This is the way he has always played before! But what would happen if mom continued to stick to her guns and withdraw from the situation? What would happen if she refused to have the conversation until her youngster spoke to her in an appropriate and civil manner? Right! Her youngster is going to have to change his behavior.

Let's use the example of ping pong. What would happen if one of the players put down her ping pong paddle? Game over …right!? Well, the same is true in terms of our children and their negative behaviors. If we refuse to engage, to tolerate and respond to the negative behavior, they are going to have to do something different. They are going to have to select another behavior in order to achieve their goal. And as moms and dads, we can go a long way toward guiding this choice into more appropriate and respectful areas.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents with Defiant Teens

The Pros and Cons of Abortion

Question

We recently discovered that my 16-year-old daughter is pregnant. This has been a real shock for us. The alleged father no longer lives in our hometown and is supposedly a heavy pot smoker. My daughter has talked about having an abortion, but both she and I are torn on this issue. I know this is a touchy subject, but I am asking for your advice on which way to go with this decision. Thank you!

Answer

My conviction is very much against abortion, but you’re not asking for my opinion. I‘m assuming you want the facts in order to make an educated decision.

Facing an unplanned pregnancy can be very difficult and scary for an adolescent, and deciding what to do will be even harder. No matter what her political or religious persuasion, it always comes down to a very intimate, personal decision that no adolescent makes without some degree of emotional trauma. All of the options: abortion, or raising the baby, or allowing another individual to adopt the baby carries emotional pain and personal sacrifice.

In the U.S., teenage abortion accounts for 19% of all procedures of this nature. The average age of those receiving abortions is dropping from 19 to 17. Over 50% of abortions performed annually are on women under the age of 25 with the ages of 18 and 19 accounting for the highest number performed.

There are currently twenty-one states that require parental permission for a teen abortion and eighteen states that do not. There are also fourteen states that require a parental notification before performance of an abortion on a minor. The notification law requires that parents be notified, but permission of a parent is not necessary to go ahead with the procedure.

At this time in the United States, abortions are legal. Teen abortion facts reveal that though the teen pregnancy rate has declined in the United States over the last ten years, the percentages have actually increased.

Adolescents:

• are at higher risk for post-abortion infections such as pelvic inflammatory disease (PID) and endometritis (inflammation of the uterus), which may be caused either by the spread of an undiagnosed sexually transmitted disease into the uterus during the abortion, or by micro-organisms on the surgical instruments which are inserted into the uterus

• risk further injury or death because they are unlikely to inform parents of any physical complications

• who abort are 2 to 4 times more likely to commit suicide than adults who abort, and a history of abortion is likely to be associated with adolescent suicidal thinking

• who abort are more likely to develop psychological problems, and are nearly three times more likely to be admitted to mental health hospitals than adolescents in general

The most common reasons an adolescent chooses abortion are:

• cannot afford a baby

• doesn't want anyone to know she has had sex or is pregnant

• doesn't want to be a single parent

• her partner or parent wants her to have an abortion

• not ready to become a parent

• she is too immature to have a child

• she or the fetus has a health problem

• she was a survivor of rape or incest

Medical conditions and indications may develop after the first trimester (12 weeks) of pregnancy that could threaten the mother's life and/or health. Late-occurring medical conditions can include:

• heart failure

• severe or uncontrollable diabetes

• serious renal disease

• uncontrollable hypertension (high blood pressure)

• severe depression

Some of the consequences of 'compulsory pregnancy' or 'forced motherhood' (i.e., unwanted children) are as follows. The child:

• does less well scholastically; is a low achiever

• has more emotional handicaps

• has poorer relationships with parents

• is 4x as likely to have adult criminal record

• is 6x more likely to receive welfare between 16-21

• is at a higher risk to be abused or neglected by parents

• is more likely to abuse alcohol and drugs

• is twice as likely to have record of juvenile delinquency

Some of the disadvantages of going through with an abortion are:

• creates feelings of regret and grief

• does not give the child that is in the womb a chance at life, thus it is looked down upon by many religions

• having an abortion always lessens your chances for having children later in life

• adolescents who have participated in abortion repeatedly report feeling deceived by those selling abortions and become preoccupied with concern for 'God's judgment and punishment'

• the "would-be-mother" will always wonder 'what if' and may feel some level of guilt for the rest of her life about the child she could have had

Adoption vs. Abortion—

With adoption:

• You can have continued contact with your baby

• You usually feel positive about your choice

• You will have plenty of time to plan you and your baby's future

• You will remember giving birth

• Your pregnancy ends with giving life

With Abortion:

• Abortion is final; you can't go back on your decision

• You may feel guilt and shame about your choice

• You will miss the opportunity to see your child develop

• You will remember taking a life

• Your pregnancy ends with death

Adolescents are more likely to make a snap judgment and try to cover up their pregnancy from their parents by having an abortion. Adolescents are also more likely to report having wanted to keep the baby, higher levels of feeling misinformed in pre-abortion counseling, less satisfaction with abortion services and greater post-abortion stress. Adolescents were also more likely to use immature coping strategies such as projection of their problems on to others, denial, or "acting out", than older women, strategies researchers speculate might become permanent.

Despite the fact that supporters without parental consent continually leave the spiritual devastation component out of the discussions, teen abortion facts tell us that adolescents who have participated in abortion repeatedly feel deceived by those selling abortions and become preoccupied with concern for God's judgment and punishment.

Teen abortion is an especially difficult thing to deal with, especially when having to possibly confront your parents and hoping that your partner will be supportive.

Adolescents are encouraged to involve parents in their decision to have an abortion, and most do have a parent involved. In most of these states, if she can't talk with her parents - or chooses not to - she can appear before a judge. The judge will consider whether she's mature enough to decide on her own. If not, the judge will decide whether an abortion is in the teen's best interests. In any case, if there are complications during the procedure, parents of minors may be notified.

Before an adolescent makes decisions in haste, or as an attempt to undo a wrong, adolescents and parents on both sides of the parental consent debate should get the teen abortion facts and found out as much about abortion and post-abortion procedure complications. The most important thing to remember is that you do have a choice. There are three main paths: parenting, abortion or adoption.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

ADHD and School Behavior Problems

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) is the phrase that is used to describe kids who have significant problems with high levels of distractibility or inattention, impulsiveness, and often with excessive motor activity levels.

Often the ADHD youngster has special educational needs, though not always. Most ADHD children can be successful in the regular classroom with some help. There may be deficits in attention and impulse control without hyperactivity being present. In fact, recent studies indicate that as many as 40% of the ADHD children may not be hyperactive.

Research shows that there are several things happening in the brain of the ADHD youngster which causes the disorder. The main problem is that certain parts of the Central Nervous System are under-stimulated, while others may be over-stimulated. In some hyperactive children there is also an uneven flow of blood in the brain, with some parts of the brain getting too much blood flow, and other centers not getting as much. Certain medications or other forms of treatment can be used to address these problems.

How Educators Can Identify ADHD—

As a teacher, ask yourself these questions:

1. Can the ADHD student wait? Emotionally, these students often cannot delay gratification, and they typically cannot wait their turns.

2. Can the student pay attention in class? Some ADHD children can pay attention for a while, but typically can't sustain it, unless they are really interested in the topic. Other ADHD children cannot pay attention to just one thing at a time, such as not being able to pay attention to just you when you are trying to teach them something. There are many different aspects to "attention," and the ADHD student would have a deficit in at least one aspect of it.

3. Does he have difficulty with rhythm? Or the use of his time? Both awareness of time and the rhythm of music often escape ADHD students.

 

==> Help for Parents with Strong-Willed, Out-of-Control Children and Teens

4. Does he have trouble staying in his seat when he's supposed to? How is he on the playground? Can he wait in line, or does he run ahead of the rest of the class? Does he get in fights often?

5. Does he lack awareness about “personal space” and what is appropriate regarding touching others? ADHD students are often overly touchy with others, and are often prompted to keep their hands to themselves.

6. Does he seem unable to read facial expressions and know their meanings? ADHD students have often missed the subtle social cues that they need to be successful in social relationships.

7. Does the student seem to be immature developmentally, educationally, or socially? It has been suggested by research that students and teens with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder may developmentally lag 20% to 40% behind students without ADHD. In other words, a ten year old with ADHD may behave, or learn, as you would expect a seven year old to behave or learn. A fifteen year old with ADHD may behave, or learn, as you would expect a ten year old to behave, or learn.

8. Is he calm? ADHD children are constantly looking for clues as to how they are doing. They may display a wide range of moods, which are often on the extremes: they act too sad, too angry, too excited, too whatever.

9. Is the student impulsive? Does he call out in class? Does he bother other children with his impulsivity? These children often cannot stop and think before they act, and they rarely think of the consequences of their actions first. Impulsivity tends to hurt peer relationships, especially in junior high school years.

10. Is the student working at grade level? Is he working at his potential? Does he/she stay on task well? Does he fidget a lot? Does he have poor handwriting? Most ADHD children have trouble staying on task, staying seated, and many have terrible handwriting.

Many kids with ADHD also have Sensory Integration Dysfunctions (as many as 10% to 20% of all kids might have some degree of Sensory Integration Dysfunction). SID is simply the ineffective processing of information received through the senses. As a result these kids have problems with learning, development, and behavior.

School Accommodations for ADHD Students—

Any teacher can institute the following suggestions, even without formal training:

1. Take a realistic outlook at the student you get every day. Periodically, rate the ADHD behaviors using the checklist below (1 means very little; 10 means a lot):

• Difficulty delaying gratification _____

• Disorganization _____

• Emotional over-arousal _____

• Hyperactivity ______

• Impulsivity _____

• Inattentiveness _____

• Non compliance _____

• Social problems _____

This is what you can likely expect from the ADHD student every day. Once educators (and moms and dads) accept this, it is easier not to take everything so personally. Also, anger on the teacher’s/parent’s part is reduced, because anger arises when there is greater discrepancy between what you expected versus what you got. Moms and dads can also fill out the checklist and discuss it with the teacher.

2. Don't take the ADHD behaviors as personal challenges. The answer to the question "Why can't he listen to me like all of the other students?" is that he can't turn off his ADHD at will. It isn't personal.

3. Learn about ADHD. Typically, educators in the higher grades have a harder time “believing” in the condition. The older students no longer appear physically hyperactive. Organization and planning problems are frequently misinterpreted as lack of preparation and motivation.

 

==> Help for Parents with Strong-Willed, Out-of-Control Children and Teens

4. Provide help for deficits at the moment it is needed, not negative feedback when it is already too late. Unfortunately, the simple reality is that punishment does not usually teach the needed behaviors. This is because many students with ADHD have difficulty “doing what they know,” not “knowing what to do.” They already “know,” for example, that they should come to class prepared. Once we understand that punishment has not been working, we are ready to provide relief for their disabilities by guiding them at the moment guidance is needed—rather than ongoing disbelief that they did it wrong again.

5. Presenting Material to ADHD Students:

• Alert student’s attention with phrases such as “This is important.”

• Allow physically hyperactive students out of their seats to hand out and pick up papers, etc.

• Break down longer directions into simpler chunks.

• Check for comprehension.

• Encourage students to mark incorrect multiple-choice answers with an “x” first. This allows them to “get started” quickly, while forcing them to read all of the choices before making a final selection.

• Encourage students to underline the key words of directions.

• Establish good eye contact.

• Have student sit in the front of the class.

• Tap on the desk (or use other code) to bring the student back into focus.

6. Organizational Help:

• Ensure that moms and dads and the student all know the correct assignment. Most students can take this responsibility upon themselves – but those with ADHD, though, usually cannot. It is unfair and counter-productive to let intelligent students flounder because of this disability. Once informed of the needed work, the student is still responsible to work to get it done. Inform the student about typical routines (e.g., vocabulary quizzes on Fridays). Hand out written assignments for the week. Initial student’s homework assignment pads after each period. Do not expect the student to come up after class for the signature. If he was organized enough to do that, we would not need to be doing this. The typical student is organized enough to come to the teacher, but we’re not talking about the typical student here.

• Recognize that disorganization is a major disability for almost everyone with ADHD. In fact, it is difficult to diagnose ADHD in the absence of organizational problems. ADHD students can -- and frequently do -- write a wonderful paper and then forget to hand it in. This striking unevenness in skills is what makes it a learning disability.

7. Notify family immediately of any late assignments. Waiting for mid-term notices is too late to correct the problem, and too late for the student to behaviorally notice the connection between his/her performance and the consequences. The parent could mail weekly a card to each teacher. The card would simply have spaces for missed work and comments, and is dropped back into the mail. The parent could call the team leader each week for an update. A phone call takes the student out of the loop, and works best.

8. Allow for expedient make up of late (or incorrectly done) homework. If deduction for lateness actually works to correct the problem, then keep doing it. If not, recognize the problem as a currently uncorrectable disability. In this case, the work does need to be completed, but is not fair for a persistent organizational disability to cause excessive and demoralizing deductions. If for some reason it is necessary to give an “F” for incomplete work, remember that an F is 65, not 0. Trying to get a decent grade while averaging in a “0” is virtually impossible. A grade of “0” is excessive and counter-productive.

 

==> Help for Parents with Strong-Willed, Out-of-Control Children and Teens

9. Simple Accommodations for Other Frequently Associated Problems:

A. Dysgraphia (hand writing problems)—

• Graph paper helps line up math problems.

• Minimize deductions for neatness and spelling. Instead, give extra points for neatness.

• Provide a copy of class notes, or arrange for peer to make carbon copy.

• Use of a computer.

B. Dyscalculia (math problems)—

• Consider doing every other problem if homework takes too long.

• Liberal use of a calculator.

10. “Section 504” Accommodations:

Section 504 of the Vocational Rehabilitation Act (Public Law 93-112) is a Federal civil rights law which aims at eliminating discrimination in any program that receives federal funds (including most all US schools and colleges). By 504 definition:

• 504 “accommodations” may be “easier” to obtain as they generally mandate accommodations more than costly special services.

• A written plan for 504 accommodations is not mandated, but certainly makes sense. It should be periodically revised (yearly).

• Accommodations can be mandated via Federal Law Section 504 if needed.

• Classification under Section 504 will typically require a school meeting, but less formal psychological and educational testing than classification under IDEA.

• Moms and dads or the school may initiate a 504 evaluation.

• The disability can be physical or mental, and the disability must substantially limit one or more “life activities” such as learning, performing manual tasks, care for oneself, speaking, hearing, or walking.

• Untimed tests, including SATs, may require 504 classification.

11. IDEA Classification:

The Individuals with Disabilities Act (IDEA, Part B) of 1990 provides federal funding to schools which guarantee special needs students with appropriate rights and services:

• If unable to provide an “appropriate” public education, the school must pay for alternate education.

• Detailed information can be found through the National Information Center for Students and Youth with Disabilities at www.nichcy.org.

• IDEA classifiable conditions include: (a) Specific Learning Disability (LD), (b) Emotional and Behavioral Disorder (ED), (c) Other Health Impaired (OHI) (the US Dept. of Education memo of 1991 includes ADHD as a classifying condition under OHI).

• IDEA classification evaluations and provided services are usually more comprehensive than 504 plans.

• Moms and dads must be full partners in the process of developing an Individualized Education Plan (IEP). If nothing else, moms and dads certainly know what has not worked so far.

• The moms and dads may request an independent evaluation if they disagree with the school’s evaluation.

• The school has the right to decide what evaluation is needed.

• There is annual updating of the IEP, with full re-evaluation every three years. The moms and dads may request review and revision of the IEP at any time.

==> Help for Parents with Strong-Willed, Out-of-Control Children and Teens