How to Talk to a Defiant Teen: 25 Tips for Parents

No mother or father wants a defiant adolescent. Every parent wants a happy and responsible youngster who is part of a loving family. But so many adolescents have a “falling-out” with their parents. Defiant adolescent behavior is nothing new and will be around forever. But helping defiant adolescents is very much a reality. It has been done, it can be done, and you are in a position to make an unhappy youngster turn their defiant attitude/behavior into something generous and worthwhile.

So what can any parent do in this situation? Well professional help is clearly an option. You could start with counseling at your local mental health facility. Explain the situation and ask for advice. Counseling sessions with an expert may be an ideal move. But travel concerns or financial worries may force you to look at alternatives.

Here are some simple - but surprisingly effective – tips for dealing with (or rather “working with”) your defiant adolescent:

1. A defiant adolescent will often see their situation as being “them and me.” The “them” being his/her mom and dad. The issue of control or who is the boss should be downplayed. Adolescents are not kids even if they behave badly. They are young people – and working together is a far better option than a boss [the parent] ordering the youngster around.

2. Agree on a contract about behavior within and without the home. Sign the document and list the consequences if the rules are broken. Have the “punishment” fit the “crime.” Do all this by cooperation rather than dictating what will and won’t happen. Children respect fair play.

3. Allow your adolescents to say what they feel – but in a respectful way. It is important that they express emotion, but in a controlled, appropriate manner. It is valuable for them to learn these communication skills, because they will need them for other areas of life as well. Although you may not agree with a word they say about the selected subject, validate their feelings by stating, “I hear what you are saying and understand you feel very strongly about this subject. I can imagine your frustration when this does not go the way you would like it to, however I feel that this is not the appropriate decision, therefore I have decided to say ‘no’.”

 

==> Effective Disciplinary Techniques for Defiant Teens and Preteens 

4. Defiance often comes when problems surface. Don’t see a ‘problem’ as a ‘problem’. See it as a way to build cooperation. You and your youngster can solve the problem together. Work as a team! Recruit him/her as a ‘partner in problem solving’.

5. Have a clear goal. This means, you need to know where you want to get, since your interventions should be directed to this goal. Don’t try to directly go for your point because this will only trigger another escalation. You need to be subtle and “hide” your goal, because if it becomes visible during the initial phase, it will backfire. You have to slowly leak it at the end of the second phase (peak and/or plateau). Think of it as a chess game. If you start making random moves to see what happens, the other player (who has a plan or idea) will beat you in the blink of an eye. Also, since you are the authority figure, you will have some sort of leverage. Use it, but never as a threat or coercion. Use that differential of power wisely.

6. If the parent sees the conflict as a test, a chance for them to prove that they deserve respect and have authority over the youngster, then disaster awaits. You may well be making a bad situation worse. Don’t try to win!

7. If the parents are a loving couple with respect and concern for one another, the chances of a happy family are higher. Make sure that the family unit is strong and growing stronger. Then if one member (your teen son or daughter) becomes defiant, you will have a shining example of how happiness can and does work within your own family.

8. If your adolescent won't listen, break the ice with a note. Hand it to her or slip it under her door. Keep it short, simple, and from the heart. You could write something like, "I'm sorry," "You're AWESOME!" or, "Want to go out for ice cream?" If your adolescent has difficulty sharing her thoughts with you in person, suggest that she write them down. Give her a "Let's Talk" journal and ask her to write whatever is on her mind, and then invite her to share the journal with you when she's ready.

9. Laughter IS good medicine for the body, mind, and soul. Keep things light to ease tension. Add humor to your conversations, as long as you're laughing together and not at each other's expense.

10. Love is at the heart of all good relationships but respect is not far behind. Sometimes telling your adolescent you love them will not cut the ice. Aim for the time being for respect and that’s mutual respect. As a mother or father, show clearly that you respect your adolescent. Give them respect and certain freedoms and in no way mistreat them. From respect love may well recover.

11. Meals offer great opportunities for conversation. Every day, try to have at least one meal together with your adolescent. Take him out to lunch once in a while. Share something interesting you read or saw on T.V. When you say goodnight, spend a few minutes talking about how the day went for each of you.

12. One of the major reasons why you and your youngster are at odds is because you may be highlighting the differences between the two of you. Make a list of things upon which you can agree – the common ground. This is a brilliant way to start. It lays the foundation to remove the defiance and establish trust and goodwill.

 

==> Effective Disciplinary Techniques for Defiant Teens and Preteens 

13. Moms and dads often make the mistake of treating their kids as ‘property’ instead of ‘individuals’. Many parents take away their kid’s ability to express feelings appropriately by totally shutting his/her opinions out.

14. Remember that it all comes down to a power struggle. The key is not to get engaged in it, since you’ll be playing the adolescent’s game. You need to make that struggle as subtle as you can during most of the conversation, or at least until you consider the child is ready to acknowledge the fact that there is a “chain of command” and his way is not a viable option. In the process you will gain respect, a sense that what you want is not a whim - and last but not least - you’ll look as someone approachable in his eyes, which will help in future occurrences.

15. Remember that no one wants to hear the word “no.” Your adolescent will be angry with you – and that is okay. Many moms and dads are concerned that if their adolescent is not happy with them that they are damaging the relationship. YOUR ADOLESCENT IS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE YOUR BEST FRIEND! It is absolutely okay for your adolescent to be upset with you when they do not get their way, or you set boundaries with them. 

 

Setting healthy boundaries for your youngster is one of the greatest acts of love. What’s important is that you have given them respect by hearing their request and taken into consideration what they have said. It is also important to understand that it is okay to say ‘yes’ sometimes. Balance is the key in most situations. It is also a good idea to explain your view to your kids (even if they still do not like the results). Telling them ‘no’ and giving the explanation, “Because I said so”, no longer works.

16. Respect each other, even your differences. When your youngster was young, she believed every word you said. But as an adolescent, she's developing her own belief system. It's normal for both of you to disagree sometimes. Instead of arguing over differences in opinion, create an environment where it's safe for both of you to express your ideas. Give each other a chance to speak. Listen without making fun of what the other says. Even in the midst of your differences, look for common ground.

17. Schedule a time when all household members are available to attend a family meeting. This meeting is mandatory so your adolescent and young kids as well must attend. Prior to the meeting, family members should think of a topic to address. It could be family finances, allowance, curfew or any family issue. During the first meeting, establish household rules for disagreements. Rules would be, no yelling, or insults, or profanity, and respect that everyone has different opinions. It is important that everyone gets the opportunity to express their opinion, but make it known that the grown-ups in the household have the final say.

18. There is a possibility that the unacceptable behavior by the adolescent is linked to the behavior of their mother or father. That’s you! Start by asking yourself a series of questions. Are you being reasonable? What is the point of view expressed by my youngster? What can I change about my life which will help my adolescent?

19. They may not show it, but adolescents love to be praised. Remember to regularly - and sincerely - point out your adolescent's strengths. Praise something she did well. Encourage your adolescent in his endeavors. You'll raise his self-esteem while opening the door to better communication.

20. Use active listening. Let him vent and be aware that you will hear things that you won’t like – but don’t get into an argument. That won’t help either. The “me vs. him” approach won’t work. Instead, listen and wait for the right moment to make your interventions, pointing out the weak points of his or her argument and redirecting the conversation continually. Timing is paramount here. The de-escalation rate will be directly tied to how timely and on the spot your interventions are.

21. We all know how to talk to our children (or think we do). But understand that ‘what we say’ and ‘what our adolescent hears’ may not be one and the same. Communication is important – but good communication is vital. Find out what language your youngster understands and talk to them in such a way that understanding is the basis of all your communicating.

 

==> Effective Disciplinary Techniques for Defiant Teens and Preteens 

22. We all know the ‘quality time’ expression, but saying it and doing it are two different things. You need to spend one-on-one quality time with your adolescent. Make it regular and positive. The more your youngster sees you care and are prepared to give your own free time to work for them, the better will be your relationship.

23. When an adolescent becomes oppositional, know that you are going to need patience – and lots of it. Usually, to de-escalate him or her, it would take you as long as a usual discussion with your girl/boyfriend or partner. That would be between an hour and a half and two hours. It follows the normal Bell curve: (a) an initial moment of increasing tension, (b) a peak, (c) a plateau where you may feel that you are getting nowhere, and (d) a decline (the de-escalation).

24. When your adolescent comes by to talk, make eye contact. Put aside what you're doing to let him know you're listening. Show you're interested by focusing on what he's saying. Ask relevant questions. When you want to initiate a conversation, watch for cues that your adolescent is being receptive. If you see that he needs peace and quiet, give him space. Look for the right moment to talk.

25. You need to take into account is that it’s going to be a chess game. You are the authority figure and that’s the main problem. Oppositional and defiant behaviors are tightly bonded to authority. When dealing with defiant teens, know that “time-outs” are only going to give them time to stay on that negative trend of thought – and this is not going to help the situation get any better. You need to talk him/her out of it. Don’t expect time itself to work magic. And if it does, there are going to be hurt feelings and resentment. In other words, as a parent, your intervention is needed.

Final thought: Don’t panic. You are not alone. And there is expert advice, much of it free, available to help you fix your situation. Work on helping – not hindering – your teen. Work on improving your own behavior and come up with some simple, written strategies (such as those found in this post).

==> Effective Disciplinary Techniques for Defiant Teens and Preteens

Teens and Mood Swings

Adolescent’s moods swings are not only confusing to parents, but they are also draining. It is not fun to walk around as if on eggshells in fear a 16 year old might erupt or become weepy. It is also not a good idea to try to punish the bad mood out of the youngster.

Researchers have discovered that the brain continues to grow and develop through adolescence much more than originally thought. Because the brain reaches 90% of its full size by the age of six, it has historically been believed that it had also reached almost full development. Now it is believed that the brain changes much more during the teenage years than previously believed. The grey matter on the outer part of the brain thickens over time with this process peaking at age 11 in females and age 12 in males.

After this process is over, the brain begins to trim away excess grey matter that is not used, leaving only the information that the brain needs and making the brain more efficient. One of the last areas to go through this trimming process is the prefrontal cortex, which is the area of the brain responsible for judgment, self-control, and planning. This means that while adolescents have very strong emotions and passions, they don’t have the mechanisms in place to control these emotions. This is one reason behind teenage mood swings.

Another biological factor is that this is when the body starts producing sex hormones as well as going through a major growth spurt. The physical changes that adolescents experience cause them to feel strange and perhaps confused or uncomfortable, and this erodes their sense of security. Because of the effect that this has on their psychological state, they may strike out or experience conflicting moods.

Adolescents have not yet developed the ability to deal with the pressures, frustrations, and anxieties of life. As their lives become more complicated and adult-like, they don’t have the built-in coping mechanisms that grown-ups have developed to help them deal, so they are prone to react very emotionally to situations. Also, adolescents are typically very preoccupied with identity formations and becoming entities with lives separate from those of their moms and dads. This, again, can cause confusion or frustration. While the world seems to be changing constantly around them, they feel as though they can’t keep up or handle the pressure, and this will inevitably lead to a slightly off-kilter emotional state.

What Parents Can Do—

Here are a few tips you can use to help your teenager learn to control or deal with his/her mood swings:

1. Allow your adolescents to wait out the mood. If they need a good cry or to just pace around their room, give them their privacy to do it. Offer comfort and let your adolescents know you are there if they need to talk.

2. Always take the upper road as the mother or father.

3. Don't take their mood swings personally. Don't let their moods alienate you from them. As moms and dads we tend to get our feelings hurt when our kids don't respond to us positively. It is important to remember that the mother/father must react in the more mature manner and always forgive the kids and keep your heart open to them.

4. Encourage your adolescents to identify what is happening. Help them recognize the signs of their bad moods, so they know what is happening. Let them know that they are not alone, this happens to most people.

5. Encourage your adolescent to take preventative steps though creativity and being involved. Being involved in a hobby will help your adolescent’s moods stay on an even keel. It will teaching him/her more coping skills and resilience.

6. Give them room and allow them to be miserable or sad for a period. Of course you will need to watch them to be sure they don't get depressed, but don't deny them the right to be sad or to need time alone.

7. Look for moments when they may be willing to talk. Just like they have times when they are in bad moods, they will also have good moments. Take advantage of these times to relate to them what you went through at the same age so they will know they are not alone.

8. Never let your youngster's bad mood cause you to react in anger.

9. Recognize what is happening. Do not be too busy that you aren’t looking at the situation correctly and go directly into 'discipline mode'. Know that it isn’t just your child, this is normal for adolescents. It isn’t easy to deal with bad or sad feelings when you can’t figure out what is wrong.

10. Stay firm where behavior is concerned. While you cannot dictate how they feel, you can dictate how they react. Don't allow a bad mood to mean disrespect of you, other elders. Also, don't allow them to be hurtful to siblings. If this happens, you must demand that they apologize.

11. Support a healthy lifestyle in your home. Getting enough rest and eating right goes a long way for anyone’s mood. This is also an opportunity for parent’s to model the appropriate behavior.

12. Teach your adolescent coping skills. When he/she is calm, use role play and show them how to count back from 10, go for a walk or listen to music. Modeling these appropriate behaviors when you are in a bad mood will help your adolescent be better prepared.

Mood swings can leave an adolescent feel like they’re out of control, which is a very uncomfortable state for anyone to be in. Of course, if the mood swings are severely abnormal or prolonged the adolescent should see a professional about other possible issues. Normal teen mood swings can make an adolescent feel unbalanced, though, and are not to be taken lightly.

Here are some tips for what your adolescent can do when dealing with a mood swing:

• Exercise - exercise releases endorphin into the blood stream, and these chemicals can help to regulate mood and ease frustration
• Get creative – painting, drawing, writing, or building something can help an adolescent to express their emotions in a healthy way
• Get plenty of rest – regular sleep helps keep the mind in tip-top shape
• Realize that they’re not alone – talking to a friend or peer who is dealing with the same issues will make them feel less abnormal and help them realize that they are not crazy
• Take a breather – stepping back and trying to look at the situation from another angle, counting to ten, or just sitting with the uncomfortable feelings for a moment will help the adolescent to realize that it’s not as bad as it seems
• Wait – the mood may pass as quickly as it struck; wait before acting out on extreme emotions

There are a variety of treatment options available to cope with mood swings. Examine the following list and decide which treatment works best for you and your youngster:

1. Behavioral Therapy: Behavioral therapy helps to weaken the connections between troublesome situations and habitual reactions to them. Reactions common to mood swings such as fear, anxiety, depression, anger, and self-damaging behavior can be controlled. Behavioral therapy teaches your adolescent how to calm the mind and body, so they can feel better, think more clearly, and make better decisions.

2. Cognitive Therapy: Cognitive therapy teaches your adolescent how certain thinking patterns are causing your symptoms — by giving a distorted picture of what's going on in their life, and making them feel anxious, depressed or angry for no apparent reason, or provoking them into negative actions. Resolving the cognitive aspect of mood swings can mean improved social interaction, more confidence, and a more positive outlook on life.

3. Literary Therapy: Literary therapy incorporates books, articles, and other research materials into the process of healing. By gathering information about mood swings, one can acquire in-depth knowledge about his or her problems. This knowledge provides the essential tools for controlling and resolving ones issues. There is an extensive amount of information available from a wide range of perspectives. Many books can be checked out from a local library, and most internet information is presented free of charge.

4. Supplements: There are many non-prescription alternatives on the market today. Some of these alternatives contain supplemental vitamins and minerals, while others contain herbal alternatives that have been used to naturally medicate mood swings. Clinical evidence for Valerian, Kava Kava and St. Johns Wort suggests that these herbal constituents can provide significant benefit in helping to relieve negative mood and other symptoms related to anxiety and depression.

5. Talk Therapy: Talk therapy involves the idea of healing through communication. Talking to friends, family members, or a therapist can help your adolescent to find support for those dealing with mood swings. Communication comes naturally to humans, and the simple act of discussing one’s problems can be extremely helpful in the healing process.

6. Talk to Your Doctor: Communicating with your doctor is an important part in the diagnosis and treatment of mood swings. By talking to your doctor openly, you allow him or her to provide your youngster with the best mood swings treatment program possible.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Is your teenager getting mouthy?

Back-talk is triggered by your youngster’s emotions, primarily frustration, anger, and a need to get revenge when he/she thinks something is unfair. On the far end of the continuum is verbal abuse, which is meant to inflict emotional pain on the parent. Verbal abuse often includes foul language and disturbing threats of violence designed to intimidate the parent into “giving in” and letting the teen have his/her way. Children who use verbal abuse want to attack you so that they can control you. They don't care about consequences; they're not intimidated by them. Thus, verbal abuse has to be handled in a very special way.

Why do children talk to parents in disrespectful ways? Because they don't know how to express emotions appropriately. They learn a lot from watching other children and people around them. If your son is frustrated and doesn't know how to show it, and he sees somebody else roll their eyes and make a face, he’ll absorb that lesson without even thinking about it. Then the next time he’s frustrated at home, he’ll roll his eyes and make a face at you. If he gets a reaction out of you, the behavior gets reinforced because he knows he’s succeeded in pushing your buttons.

It's not easy to ignore mildly disrespectful behavior, but don’t kid yourself. If you threaten your youngster by saying, “Don't roll your eyes at me, young man, or you'll be grounded,” that will only make him do it more. If you respond to annoying behavior in a strong way repeatedly, you give it power and strength. Conversely, the less you challenge it, the less you give it power – and the less power you give it – the more it's going to die a natural death.

The worst thing parents can do is to challenge back-talk ‘inconsistently’ (i.e., sometimes you let it slide, sometimes you confront it). With inconsistent confrontation, back-talk tends to become more entrenched.

The Use of Sarcasm—

Teens generally use sarcasm in two ways: (1) they make sarcastic comments when they’re feeling like they’re under pressure, or (2) they use chronic sarcasm as a way to manage their anger safely (it’s safer to show their anger through sarcasm than it is through other means they’ve learned).

Usually sarcasm is learned and modeled by grown-ups, and so part of the response to sarcasm in children is for the adults to avoid lowering themselves to the child’s level. Often when parents are mad about their kid’s performance, they make sarcastic comments. These comments are hurtful, and teens develop a defense to that by becoming sarcastic themselves. Sometimes you’ll see children who are really sarcastic and use verbal abuse in most areas of their life. The function of chronic sarcasm is to help teens deflect any blame while throwing anger onto the target parent.

When you witness sarcasm in your teen, ask yourself, “Why is my youngster responding this way?” It’s usually not hard to discover what your youngster is threatened by that leads to sarcasm. Sometimes it’s a secret, sometimes it’s a task she hasn’t completed, and sometimes it’s a power struggle. Whatever it is, once you’ve identified it, it becomes much easier to resolve. For example, if your teen becomes sarcastic whenever you bring up the topic of homework, a good question to ask is, “How come you get sarcastic whenever we talk about your homework?” This question is effective because it both identifies the issue and puts your youngster on the spot.

A very powerful way to respond to sarcasm is to simply say, “I don’t appreciate that comment” – then turn around and walk away. In this way, you’re taking all the power out of the room with you. If you argue or try to make a point, you’re giving your youngster more power.

It’s normal to become annoyed when your teenager says sarcastically, for example, “Great job, Mom …duh!” This is where you have to draw the line between what kind of disrespect requires your attention and what doesn't. A comment that is not a personal attack and not meant to demean you can be handled by simply ignore it. This is “intentional ignoring,” which is used when you decide consciously to ignore attention-seeking behaviors as long as they’re not overtly hurtful or abusive.

When your youngster says, for example, “You’re an idiot,” make no mistake – he means you're an idiot. This comment does NOT go into the “intentional ignoring” category. You can say very clearly, “There's no name calling in this house, and there is a consequence for name calling.” Set limits on it very clearly and hold your youngster accountable. Every time he says “you’re an idiot,” he goes to bed 15 minutes earlier or has 15 minutes less TV time. He should be held accountable from the beginning.

Lastly, don't give your youngster a second chance when he’s being verbally abusive to you. Second chances create bad habits in children. As soon as you start giving your child a second chance, he will think to himself, “Hmmm, the first one is free, so I won’t get into trouble if I call dad an idiot.”

=> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents Who Are At Their Wits-End

Making Summer Vacation a Positive Experience

For teenagers, summer is the highlight of the year – no responsibilities, sleeping in until noon, a kitchen full of food, and the sweet smell of independence. Many moms and dads work full-time throughout the summer; some go on vacation and leave adolescents with an easygoing relative or friend; and some older adolescents are even left alone when moms and dads are away. All of the structure and scheduling that occurs during the school year turns into unadulterated freedom in the summer.

For moms and dads, the start of summer means the countdown to September is on. As yet another school year comes to a close, mothers/fathers are making last-minute plans to keep their adolescents occupied for three long months. Sure, a few weeks may be spent on a family vacation, some adolescents may attend summer school, and others may take up a new hobby. But that still leaves hours each day and days each week when adolescents are home with nothing to do. How many days can you invent amusing activities and outings that will keep your adolescent out of trouble?

With less structure and adult supervision, the summer is ripe with opportunities for adolescents to fall into a bad crowd, experiment with drugs or alcohol, or get into other forms of mischief. If your adolescent has been struggling during the school year, more trouble may be awaiting you in summer. Adolescents are looking for adventure, risk, and excitement, especially in the summer. Being bored at home is the exact opposite of what they need. They will find a way to take risks and live adventurously with or without your support and guidance.

Kids and teens that are not supervised are more likely to commit crimes, be victims of crimes, do drugs, or hang out with gang members. Young people start committing crimes around noon during the summer, compared to 3 p.m. during the school year. In addition, adolescents tend to commit drug crimes later in the evening during the summer, most likely because they can stay out later without worrying about getting up early for school. This means adolescents need constructive activities to occupy a broader range of time in summer than during the school year. For working moms and dads, it's difficult to be around from noon until late in the evening every day.

More adolescents try marijuana for the first time in summer than at any other time of year. This translates into 6,300 new users each day, a 40 percent increase in first-time youth marijuana use during June and July as compared to the rest of the year. A hike in new underage drinkers and cigarette smokers also occurs during the summer months.

By taking proper precautions and planning ahead, moms and dads can make summer vacation a positive and memorable growth experience for adolescents. Where should parents begin? Two words: Summer camp. Yes, there is cost involved, but for most struggling adolescents, the benefits are well worth the price.

Most adolescents want nothing more than a summer to hang out with their friends. However, for adolescents that are acting out, falling behind in school, disrespecting authority figures, or getting in trouble with the law, a break from negative peer influences may be exactly what they need. Sometimes the best thing for the whole family is to take a break, with a struggling adolescent attending camp to learn new skills and ways of approaching family conflict, and family members doing their own work at home.

There is no better way to make constructive use of free time than learning something new - a new skill, exploring an unfamiliar place, meeting new people. Therapeutic wilderness programs offer a unique opportunity for troubled adolescents to explore the wilderness on foot, learn primitive life skills, and participate in challenging group activities. When stripped of the comforts of home, like television, computers, and video games, adolescents connect with themselves and others on a deeper level.

Wilderness camps emphasize responsibility, self-awareness, teamwork, and communication, and challenge adolescents to achieve their personal best. Adolescents are introduced to a new group of peers and learn to relate to people of all backgrounds. They live in a structured, highly supervised environment, which helps adolescents gain perspective on life at home and build self-confidence and hope for a brighter future.

If summer camps and wilderness programs aren't right for your adolescent, consider getting him or her involved in volunteer work. Animal shelters, halfway houses, nursing homes, churches, homeless shelters, soup kitchens, and other organizations can keep adolescents occupied while developing a sense of purpose, self-confidence, and personal responsibility. In addition to teaching adolescents the joy of giving back, volunteer work looks great on college applications and resumes.

Another activity to keep adolescents busy this summer is a part-time job. Many moms and dads find internships or small tasks for their kids to do at their place of employment, or you can help your adolescent apply to local grocery stores, restaurants, retail stores, local car washes, or pet care facilities. Adolescents can also earn extra money babysitting, doing yard work, house-sitting, and other odd jobs. Part-time work helps adolescents budget, make friends, comply with authority, develop a strong work ethic, and learn the value of a dollar.

Keeping your youngster busy for the sake of being busy can be as disastrous as doing nothing. Your adolescent may rebel against the cluttered schedule and seek out more interesting people and places on his own. Your money would be put to better use in a summer camp with a clear, focused goal, such as a wilderness camp or weight-loss camp.

Moms and dads who are seeing early signs of behavioral or emotional problems in their kids have an excellent opportunity to get their children back on track during summer vacation. Waiting to address these issues until the summer has started or problems become serious would do a disservice to your adolescent. Start talking with your adolescent at least a month before the start of summer vacation to make plans, reserve a place at camp, and coordinate schedules.

More Tips for Making Summer Vacation a Positive Experience:

1. A stagnant economy may make the summer job search a bit more difficult than usual. But if your adolescent is serious about looking for summer work, encourage her to find (or create) a job that she can do during the morning (e.g., if she starts a lawn-mowing business, encourage her to schedule her appointments for the morning, before the hottest part of the day).

2. From volunteer experiences to summer internships to organized sports, summer vacation is an excellent time for adolescents to explore topics that interest them, but that they may not have the opportunity to delve into during the school year. If your adolescent enjoys sports, summer vacation is a great time to participate in a league or take part in a short-term skills camp. For adolescents who are interested in sports but who don't want to play, many youth leagues are always on the lookout for officials, scorekeepers, and coaches. If your family's financial situation is such that paid employment isn't a requirement for your adolescent during summer vacation, think about volunteer work or an unpaid internship. In addition to boosting your adolescent's college resume, these opportunities can also give your adolescent real-world work experience and insights into a career field that she is interested in.

3. Summer camp opportunities today include computer camp, finance camp, theater camp, wilderness camp, space camp, adventure camp, and many more. In addition to topic-centered summer camps, experienced professionals also operate innovative summer camps that are designed to support, motivate, and provide a memorable summer experience for all types of adolescents, including overweight kids and kids with learning disabilities, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), and certain types of autism. In addition to providing a nurturing and accepting environment, weight loss summer camps and summer camps for special students can provide long-term educational, emotional, and therapeutic benefits for these kids.

4. If your adolescent has a history of behavior problems, defiance, substance abuse, or related challenges, summer vacation can be a difficult time both for him and for you. In the absence of the structure and support that is provided during the school year, summer vacation can cause significant backsliding in the behaviors of troubled adolescents and at-risk adolescents. To avoid these problems – and to turn summer vacation from a negative experience into a positive educational opportunity – educate yourself about the many therapeutic wilderness programs for troubled adolescents that have been established over the past few decades. In addition to helping your adolescent with issues related to behavior, mental health, and substance abuse, a summer wilderness program for troubled adolescents can also instill leadership values, personal responsibility, and a heightened sense of self-worth and self-esteem.

5. If your adolescent is a swimmer (or wants to learn), sign her up for morning lessons or a community team that practices during the a.m. hours. If your adolescent needs an academic boost, find a morning tutoring program (which serves the dual purpose of getting him out of bed and getting the "painful" part of the day out of the way).

6. If your adolescent wants some freedom during his summer vacation days, trade afternoon hours for morning chores. The benefits: Your adolescent is awake, your household chores are taken care of, and there's no daylong back and forth about what needs to be done. If the chores are done by a pre-determined time, afternoon activities are allowed; if the work isn't done, the afternoon schedule is curtailed or called off.

7. Realistically, handing your adolescent a schedule of morning chores, activities, and work assignments is not going to end your summer vacation stress. But anything you can do to encourage your adolescent to buy into (or take ownership of) the summer plan will make the process go much smoother. Sit down with your adolescent and discuss your hopes and plans for summer vacation. Perhaps you can trade hours (morning chores for afternoon fun), or maybe you can ease some restrictions (for example, an extended curfew) in exchange for desired behaviors (phoning home at predetermined times when out of the house, or completing a certain number of chores). In addition to reducing your adolescent's resistance to the summer vacation schedule, negotiating will make enforcement of punishments a bit more palatable, too, because your adolescent will know the penalty before he violated the rule.

There's a good chance that a significant portion of your adolescent's summer dreams involve, well, dreaming. From post-noon wake-ups to midday naps, extended snooze sessions can be among summer's most enticing opportunities for sleep-deprived, school-stressed adolescents. While there's no reason to insist that your adolescent rise with the sun during summer vacation, there are more than a few justifications for opposing a "wake me for dinner" mentality.

Don't just get by this summer, counting down the days until September. Wasted time is a wasted opportunity. A bold and exciting summer vacation can be a life-changing time of continued learning and personal exploration for adolescents.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Teens and Chore Refusal

Have you ever asked your teenager to do something only to (a) get into a heated argument about it, and (b) end up having to do the task yourself?  Have you often felt that it would be easier - and a lot less painful - to simply go beat your head against a brick wall rather than to ask your teenager to do a simple chore? If so, you are not alone.

There are many reasons why adolescents lack motivation to do what moms and dads want them to do. Here are the main reasons:

1. Grow-ups need to be kind and firm while holding adolescents accountable—once they have agreed upon a plan. It is just as easy to be kind with friendly reminders as it is to use unkind lectures. Actually it is easier, because everyone feels better and the job gets done without a power struggle. Understanding that it is easier and more effective is the hard part. Where did grow-ups every get the crazy idea that in order to make adolescents do better, first they have to make them feel worse.

2. Kids aren't allowed to explore the relevance for themselves of what you want. They are "told", but they don't explore. How many parents "tell" their kids what happened, what caused it to happen, how they should feel about it, and what they should do about it? It is much more effective to ask "curiosity questions".

3. Moms and dads are more interested in short-term results than long-term results. For example, “I'll make you do your homework now—even if it means you will never do your best because you are too busy rebelling.”

4. Moms and dads don't allow their kids to learn from failure — an excellent motivator. One of the best ways to help kids learn to be responsible (motivated) is to be consciously irresponsible. Allow them to fail and then be empathetic and help them explore the consequences of their choices through curiosity questions: What happened? What do you think caused that? How are you feeling about it? What could you do in the future if you want another outcome? How can I support you?

5. Moms and dads don't help kids learn time management skills through involving them in the creation of routine charts. The key words are "involving them."

6. Moms and dads don't know how to say, "I love you, and the answer is no."

7. Moms and dads don't teach their kids problem-solving skills through family meetings and individual barnstorming sessions.

8. Moms and dads expect adolescents to "remember to do their chores" as though it were an indicator of responsibility. Most responsible grow-ups were not necessarily responsible adolescents. Even though adolescents are "more" motivated to follow a plan they have helped create, they will still forget because it is not high on their list of priorities. This does not mean they are irresponsible. It means they are adolescents. A friendly reminder doesn't have to be a big deal. Use your sense of humor and remind with your mouth shut. Point, use charades, or write a note. If you have to say something, ask, "What was our agreement?"

9. Moms and dads give their kids too many things and then wonder why they fail to be appreciative and instead just want more, more, and more.

10. Moms and dads nag and invite resistance.

11. Regarding motivation to do chores, homework, manners, coming home on time, etc.: Adolescents are too often “told” instead of “invited” to brainstorm and come up with solutions that works for everyone. Adolescents are much more motivated to follow a plan they have helped create.

12. Adolescents feel "conditionally loved" -- "I'm okay only if I live up to your expectations, get good grades, and excel in sports." This hurts, and some adolescents get revenge by failing. Others may become approval addicts.

Chores—

There are lots of reasons why teenagers refuse to do chores around the house. You can solicit your teen’s help and get cooperation if you keep these top five “reasons-for-refusal” - and their solutions - in mind:

1. It's boring. Solution: Develop relevant chores with good paybacks. Think beyond dishes and laundry. What does your teenager do well? What does he like to do? Researching a family purchase on-line or buying groceries with use of the car may appeal much more and produce less stress for all involved.

2. The request wasn't attractive. Solution: Put on a smile and compose yourself before asking. Use positive words. Forgive the past. Frame the request in terms your teenager finds agreeable as opposed to confrontational.

3. They don't think it is important or worthy of their time. Solution: You will have a better response if you link their chores to something they value. A request to clean up a bedroom is far more likely to generate a positive outcome if the teenager has asked to have a sleepover first.

4. You asked too many times. Solution: Too many times equals nagging and nobody likes to be nagged. To avoid repeating yourself, consider improving your presentation skills.

5. You forgot to ask their permission. Solution: Would you demand from a friend? Probably not, if you wanted to remain their friend. Children like to be asked and shown respect.

As your awareness and communicating skill grows, you will notice increased help and a positive response when you ask your teenager to do chores. Here are some tips:

1. Being a family is a cooperative effort. Tackling a chore such as sweeping the deck and cleaning up the backyard helps adolescents understand that they can give back. Teaching shared chores is a real kindness you can do for your child. Assign tasks for each family member, always remembering to say thanks and praise your adolescent for a job well done. Parents need to remind themselves to be grateful and appreciative of their children’s efforts.

2. If you can’t stand how your son consistently leaves his towel on the bedroom floor after his shower, tell him. But don’t load on other chores at the same time. Start with one thing. Say, “if you keep throwing your towel on the floor, you’ll have to stay home Friday night,” and leave it at that. And make sure the chores you assign accommodate your children’s schedules. A school night after a sports practice and a test looming the next day is not the best time to expect chores to be completed.

3. Keep chores gender neutral. Many families are stuck in stereotypical role assignments (e.g., kitchen chores for daughters, taking out the garbage and mowing the lawn for sons, etc.). Instead, teach your son to cook and do laundry; show your daughter how to wash the car and rake leaves.

4. Let your adolescents have input into which tasks they feel they can complete on their timetable and according to their level of skills and abilities.

5. Once you give your adolescent a new chore, assume he or she does not know how to complete it. If you demonstrate the right way to do a chore, such as making a bed—for example, showing where clean linens are kept, how to tuck in sheets and put a pillow into its case—it will probably get done more or less the way you’d like.

6. Pay, if a chore is particularly difficult. If it goes above and beyond what’s usually asked, most experts agree it is perfectly appropriate to pay your adolescent to do it.

7. Test scores, relationship ups and downs, or preparing for college admissions can send the best-natured adolescent into a funk. But, just as adults can’t shirk their duties because they’re having a bad day, adolescents should be expected to follow through on their regular chores even when times are tough. Actually, a chore can give an adolescent an anchor when things aren’t going well at school or socially. Taking the dog for a walk has nothing to do with an A or a B, and can serve as a welcome distraction.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Dealing with Disrespect: 15 Tips for Parents

If you have a disrespectful teenager, don’t give up! Below are some highly effective techniques you can start implementing that will greatly diminish disrespectful behavior. While not all of these strategies will work in every situation or with every teenager, most parents who have practiced the following techniques report significant improvements in their child’s general attitude and behavior:

1. As much as this sounds like bribery, adolescents will react positively when they realize there is something in it for them. That doesn't mean for every good report card or every goal scored they should get money or gifts. But maybe after maintaining consistent good grades or following house rules, lighten their chore load or give them a later curfew. It's these things that matter the most to an adolescent after all, while giving them a little leeway here and there will show them that you recognize their efforts and hard work.

2. Generally, moms and dads should ignore the mildly disrespectful things that their children do (e.g., eye rolling, stomping up the stairs, muttering about how life isn’t fair, sighing dramatically, slamming their bedroom door, etc.). 

 

==> Help for Parents with Disrespectful Children and Teens

3. If an adolescent breaks the rules at home or at school, the initial reaction of a mother/father will be to punish them in some way. Although he or she should not get off scot-free, it's essential to try and create a rational punishment that both mother/father and youngster can agree on, or at least a punishment that moms and dads know they can control. For example, your adolescent may break curfew or get poor grades. Saying that they're grounded for a month (or longer) is not going to work. Why? One of the most important aspects of an adolescent's life is being part of the social scene; going out with their friends and not feeling like they've missed anything. So no matter how strict you are, your young person will find a way to sneak out and go where they please. Of course if they get caught, this will most likely lead to more fighting and stricter rules, which will probably be broken again, and the cycle goes on. Want a more modern punishment that will really work? Take away their cell phone.

4. Be willing to follow through. You cannot just threaten to take away your disrespectful adolescent’s cell phone; if the behavior continues, you actually have to do it. No, you do not have to wrestle the phone out of your adolescent’s hand. Simply call the company and suspend the service. You will make your point, and in most cases, your disrespectful adolescent will choose respect over lack of privilege.

5. It is a mother/father's first instinct to worry when their son or daughter doesn't answer the phone, doesn't call that often, or isn't home all the time. While it's perfectly normal to worry, you should also remember that your adolescent is a person to, with a life of their own. Because it's never a good thing to be known as the "crazy" mom or dad who calls everyone in their phone book at 4 AM looking for their son/daughter, it's a good idea to set up some basic rules to avoid this situation. For instance, before your adolescent goes out, ask them where they're going and when they plan on being home. Make it understood that if their plans change, i.e., they plan on sleeping over a friend's house or staying out later, they simply must call to let you know. If you need to tell your son/daughter something and have a cell phone, text them instead of calling. If your adolescent is at a party or out with friends, they aren't going to want to openly answer their phone to a bugging mother/father with a million questions. Texts are more private and to the point. If there is an emergency at home, then call them. Try and make this routine so both mother/father and youngster will agree to have some communication, without the mother/father being overbearing.

6. Moms and dads may shudder at the thought of their son/daughter having sex, using drugs, failing school, an even being unpopular. But these days, such issues cannot be avoided. While perhaps the hardest part of being an adolescent lies in making decisions that will change them for better or worse, moms and dads should know that they can have a positive influence on their youngster if they approach the issues correctly. For example, instead of saying "don't have sex" or "drugs are bad," tell them what could happen to them if they do have unprotected sex or abuse drugs. I guarantee a picture of an STD or (for girls) the thought of having a baby will make them think more than a command will. If you know your adolescent is sexually active, ask them if they're using condoms and even sneak some into their purse or wallet if you can. This may seem a stretch for some moms and dads, while others may feel it equates to giving their adolescent permission to have sex. But, if your adolescent isn't having sex now, he/she will be one day, and it is better to take this approach instead of pretending sex doesn't exist. In addition, for all of those old-fashioned moms and dads out there, you should know that the good old fashion "sex talk" doesn't work. Taking the "safe sex" route is always more effective than "no sex" because it shows your children you are aware of what they're going through, making you one less adult in their life that doesn't understand.

7. No matter how much you want to know where your son/daughter is and who they're with every second of the day, you simply can't. In the same manner, you can't expect your son/daughter to be open with you about everything going on in their life. As harmless as it may seem to an adult to invade their adolescent's privacy every now and then, to an adolescent it is a line that should not be crossed. No matter what good intentions a mother/father may have, once they cross this line they will notice their son/daughter is less and less open about even the simple things, like how they did on a test or how soccer practice went. You can't expect an adolescent to be open with you if you go out of your way to be sneaky or nosy in their personal life. If you want to win their trust, sometimes it's the little things that count, such as knocking before you enter their room or not interrupting them if they're on the phone. Remember, everyone needs their space.

 

==> Help for Parents with Disrespectful Children and Teens

8. Often, as moms and dads, you might feel as though you are obligated to remain engaged with your adolescent no matter what. Whether you feel you have to have the last word or you have to keep pushing until your adolescent acknowledges your point, you may be suffering through more disrespectful behavior than you need to. If you are having a conversation (argument) with your adolescent and frustrated about the way the conversation is going, or if you do not want to allow the conversation to escalate into an argument, then you have to learn that it is ok to walk away. If your disrespectful adolescent is attempting to engage you in an argument or trying to get his or her way on something, firmly and quietly repeat your decision, then let them know you will not continue the conversation, and walk away. Even if you have to leave the room, lock yourself in your bedroom, and jog in place to burn off the frustration, it is better than continuing to engage your adolescent on that level.

9. One of the main reasons kids and adolescents are disrespectful is because they have been indulged and spoilt, not taught how to disagree in an assertive manner. Disrespect is rife in homes where moms and dads have been permissive in bringing up their kids and where there are few firm rules set for appropriate behavior. It is easy for the youngster to push the boundaries and behave in a disrespectful way because they know no different and believe that kind of behavior would be appropriate and accepted. In these permissive homes, the adolescents are often confused by the inconsistency in their treatment and bad behavior is their way of rebelling against this. The best tips here are to be firm but fair with the youngster from as early as possible in their life, to be consistent but flexible with rules and to ensure that the boundaries for good behavior are kept in place, and with some discretion. Every step along the way, make sure that adolescents are taught appropriate ways of asking for what they desire, disagreeing with decisions made and being able to deal with rejection. Those coping skills will then become routine in their behavior and help to make them more confident, especially in the more competitive adult world.

10. Remember that adolescents have their own world of problems. To them minuscule drama is equated to grown-ups not being able to pay the bills. They are not concerned with real life problems yet. However, on the same note realize they do have to deal with serious issues that grown-ups easily may have forgotten about, from self-esteem to sex to drugs. Just remember to be there for them without being judgmental.

11. Respect, disrespect and compliance are often issues that become entangled between moms and dads and children. Moms and dads have a right to expect compliance from all the kids who are living in their house, even if that youngster is 22 years old. Often, the friction is caused by a child’s legitimate need to become more independent as he develops. This is precisely where moms and dads and adolescents come into conflict: the mother/father wants compliance and the child wants independence. Now let’s take it one step further: When the child doesn’t comply, the mother/father feels disrespected—and they make the mistake of personalizing that feeling. I think that adolescents have to learn to solve the problem of compliance in healthy ways. But moms and dads also need to understand that many times, their youngster’s small acts of rebelliousness come from the fact that they want to be independent—it has nothing to do with disrespect.

12. Some moms and dads easily mistake their youngster's ranting and raving as a direct attack upon them as authority figures. However, for some adolescents, venting is their way of talking and being open without feeling vulnerable. Most adolescents don't feel comfortable opening up to moms and dads about personal issues and some never will. Instead of trying to force them to open up or asking mundane questions like "How was your day," try and direct your questions towards their needs. For example, if their complaining about how hard their math homework is, offer to help them with it. If they are yelling about how their life sucks and there's never anything to do, offer to drive them and their friends to the movies or the mall. In essence, kill them with kindness.

 

==> Help for Parents with Disrespectful Children and Teens

13. Sometimes adolescents are disrespectful toward moms and dads because they are emotionally hurting and in pain. Many kids hurt for lots of reasons that their moms and dads are not even aware of. Often the moms and dads get the stick simply for being there, because there is no one else to blame. The youngster could be bullied, or being abused in some way, or has fallen out with peers, and disrespect to a mother/father makes up for the lack of support and good feeling the adolescent may perceive are missing. The best way to deal with this aspect is to talk to them often about their day, show concern for their life and activities without being intrusive. Wait until they are ready to open up. Be sensitive to when they might be unusually quiet or pre-occupied and be there for them when you sense they need your comfort.

14. You owe your adolescent a roof over his/her head, food to eat, and your love. Everything else (cell phones, video games, internet access, cable, free time with friends, money for the dance on Friday night, dating, a car, etc) are all EXTRAs. It might not seem like that sometimes, but if you start recognizing that each of the items your adolescent holds dear is most likely a want and not a necessity, then you can offer your disrespectful adolescent a choice. If your adolescent chooses to treat you and the other members of your family with respect and follow the house rules, then there will be privileges to have. If your adolescent chooses to behave disrespectfully, that behavior is a demonstration of a lack of maturity and privileges can be denied or removed from the adolescent’s life.

15. You would think that the golden rule would be ingrained in the minds of grown-ups from a young age, however it's surprising to see how many moms and dads call their children disrespectful and then react the same way themselves. For example, if your young person screams and yells at you rudely, do you yell back? Do you shut them down with "you're grounded" and slam the door? It's important to remember that communication is critical in any relationship and of course, the relationship with your adolescent son/daughter is going to be one of the hardest you'll have to maintain. Try to respect them no matter how out of line they may be, and try to stay as calm and rational as possible. If anything, this will get them to eventually calm down and convince them that you're actually listening to what they're saying and not just yelling back commands.

==> Help for Parents with Disrespectful Children and Teens

Juvenile Delinquency: How the Juvenile Justice System Works

Each state has special courts -- usually called juvenile courts -- to deal with juveniles who have been accused of violating a criminal statute. The proceedings are civil as opposed to criminal. So, instead of being formally charged with a crime, youth offenders are accused of committing a delinquent act.

A juvenile case gets started when a prosecutor or probation officer (PO) files a civil petition, charging the youth with violating a criminal statute and asking that the court determine that the youth is delinquent. If the charges are proved and a delinquency determination is made, the youth offender comes under the court’s broad powers. At that point, the juvenile court has the authority to do what it considers to be in the best interest of the youth.

Often, the juvenile court retains legal authority over the juvenile for a set period of time -- until the youth becomes an adult, or sometimes even longer.

Eligibility—

To be eligible for juvenile court, a young person must be a considered a "juvenile" under state law. In most states, the maximum age for using juvenile court is 18. In a few states the age is 16 or 17, and in one (Wyoming) the maximum age is set at 19.

States also set lower age limits for juvenile court eligibility. Most states consider kids under the age of 7 to be incapable of determining the difference between right and wrong, or forming a "guilty mind." So, kids under the age of seven are usually excused from responsibility for acts they commit. Instead, moms and dads may have to pay compensation to anyone victimized by the acts of a young child. In some cases, the court will find a parent unfit to care for a youngster who has committed wrongdoing and will place the youngster with relatives or foster moms and dads. Whether kids between the ages of seven and 14 can form a guilty mind is usually left up to the Juvenile Court Judge. If the judge feels that the youngster was capable of forming criminal intent, the youngster will be sent to juvenile court.

 
==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents with Delinquent Children and Teens

Most states regard kids 14 and older as capable of forming criminal intent, so the majority of cases involving young people from 14 to 18 years of age are adjudicated in juvenile court. In certain circumstances, a youth can be tried in adult criminal court.

Cases in Juvenile Court—

Not all cases heard in juvenile court are delinquency cases (those involving the commission of a crime). There are two other types of cases: dependency cases and status offenses. Different procedures typically apply to all three types of juvenile court cases.

• Cases involving status offenses. A status offense is a violation that only applies to juveniles. Examples include truancy (skipping school), curfew violations, running away, and underage drinking.

• Juvenile delinquency cases. These cases involve juveniles who have committed crimes -- meaning that if the crime had been committed by an adult, the matter would be tried in regular criminal court. But the procedures in juvenile court differ significantly from those in adult criminal court.

• Juvenile dependency cases. Cases involving juveniles who are abused or neglected by their moms and dads or guardians -- called "juvenile dependency" cases -- are also heard in juvenile court. In a juvenile dependency case, the Juvenile Court Judge will ultimately decide whether or not a juvenile should be removed from a problematic home environment.

Common Offenses and Trends—

Roughly half of all youth arrests are made for theft, simple assault, drug abuse, disorderly conduct, and curfew violations, according to the federal Office of Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention. In an average year, only about 3% of cases heard in juvenile court involved violent offenses like robbery, rape, murder, and aggravated assault.

Historically, the vast majority of juvenile court cases have involved male offenders. But the number of females entering the juvenile justice system has been on the rise in recent years -- in an average year, females accounted for 27% of all youth facing proceedings in juvenile courts in the U.S.

Procedures—

When a youth is suspected of violating a criminal statute, the procedures are very different from those used in adult criminal court. Most significantly, the police, prosecutors, juvenile court intake officials, and juvenile court judges all have broad discretion to take more informal steps in handling the case. As a result, many young offenders never reach the point of a formal adjudicatory hearing.

Likewise, the constitutional rights of youth are different from those of adults who have been accused of committing a crime. For example, although young people have the right to an attorney at an adjudicatory hearing, in most states they do not have the right to have their case heard by a jury.

Some juvenile cases are transferred to adult court in a procedure called a "waiver." Typically, juvenile cases that are subject to waiver involve serious offenses, like rape or murder, or youth who have been in trouble before. Youth have a right to a hearing to determine if their case should be transferred to adult court.

Sentencing Options—

Juvenile courts have a broad range of sentencing options (usually called "disposition orders") if they find that a youth is delinquent. Courts can confine the youth in a variety of ways -- from sending the juvenile to a traditional juvenile detention facility to placing the youth under house arrest. More importantly, juvenile courts can order a whole range of punishments that do not involve confinement -- including counseling, curfews, and probation. 

 
==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents with Delinquent Children and Teens

When a youth is suspected of violating a criminal statute, the procedure that's followed is very different from that used for adult offenders in a typical criminal case. All states have created a special juvenile court system for juveniles who get into trouble with the law. And although some juveniles are ultimately judged to be delinquent by these juvenile courts, the different players in a typical juvenile case -- including police officers, prosecutors, and judges -- have broad discretion to fashion other outcomes.

Although the procedure for juvenile delinquency cases varies from state to state, the following is a rundown of a typical juvenile case.

How Police Deal With Youth—

There are a number of ways that a juvenile might come into contact with law enforcement over the alleged violation of a criminal statute. Some juveniles are arrested by police, while others are referred to the police by moms and dads or school officials. Regardless of how the police get wind of a potential juvenile case, a police officer may decide to deal with the youth in several ways.

• Hold the juvenile until a parent comes. Sometimes the police officer will detain the juvenile, issue a warning, and then release the juvenile to the custody of a parent or guardian.

• Issue a warning. The police officer can detain the juvenile, issue a warning, and then let the juvenile go. This is often referred to as the "counseled and released" alternative.

• Refer to juvenile court. The police officer may also place the youth in custody and refer the case to juvenile court.

When Cases Go to Juvenile Court—

Once the police officer refers a case to juvenile court, a prosecutor or juvenile court intake officer (often a PO) takes over. That person may decide to dismiss the case, handle the matter informally, or file formal charges (called "petitioning the case").

In deciding how to proceed, the prosecutor or intake officer will typically consider:

• the ability of the juvenile's moms and dads to control his or her behavior

• the youth's age

• the youth's gender (males are more likely to be charged than females)

• the youth's past record

• the youth's social history, and

• the severity of the offense

• the strength of the evidence in the case

In an average year, about 20% of the cases referred to a juvenile court intake officer are dismissed and another 25% or so are handled informally. The remaining cases go through formal proceedings.

Informal Proceedings—

If the prosecutor or PO decides to proceed with the youth's case informally, usually the juvenile must appear before a PO or Juvenile Court Judge. Although no formal charge is entered against the youth, he or she will usually be required to do one or more of the following:

• attend after-school classes

• attend counseling

• enter probation

• listen to a stern lecture

• pay a fine

• perform community service work, or

• repay the victim for damages

If the youth's abuse or neglect is suspected as part of the case, the juvenile court judge may initiate proceedings to remove the juvenile from parental or guardian custody.

Formal Proceedings—

If the prosecutor or PO decides to proceed formally, he or she will file a petition in juvenile court. The juvenile is then "arraigned" (formally charged) in front of a juvenile court judge or referee. In some cases, the court may decide to send the youth to adult criminal court. 

 
==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents with Delinquent Children and Teens

The court will also determine whether the juvenile should be detained or released for the time period before the initial hearing. In about 80% of cases processed formally in juvenile court, the judge allows a juvenile to remain at home while awaiting the hearing.

If the juvenile's case remains in juvenile court, one of three things may happen:

• The Juvenile Court Judge "diverts" the case. When a Juvenile Court Judge diverts a case, the judge retains jurisdiction over the case while the youth undergoes a recommended program (such as counseling) or performs some act (such as community service or payment of restitution). If the youth doesn't fulfill these obligations, the court may reinstate formal charges.

• The Juvenile Court Judge holds an adjudicatory hearing. If the case goes to trial (called an "adjudicatory hearing" in a juvenile case), both sides present evidence and the attorneys argue the case (much like a criminal trial). In most states, the hearing is before a Juvenile Court Judge, not a jury. At the conclusion of the hearing, the judge will determine whether the youth is delinquent. A delinquency ruling is called "sustaining the petition."

• The juvenile enters into a plea agreement. Often, a plea agreement hinges on the youth's compliance with certain conditions. For example, as part of a plea deal, a youth may need to attend counseling, obey curfews, or reimburse the victim for damages.

If a delinquency ruling is made, a PO will evaluate the youth, order psychological examination or diagnostic tests if necessary, and then make recommendations at the disposition hearing (which is similar to a sentencing hearing in criminal court). The Juvenile Court Judge then decides what is in the best interest of the youth, and may order any number of things as part of the disposition, including:

• confinement in a juvenile detention facility

• counseling

• probation

• reimbursement of the victim, or

The Juvenile Court Judge may also order the youth to appear in court periodically (called post-disposition hearings) so that the judge can monitor the youth's behavior and progress.

Constitutional Rights—

Juveniles in juvenile court delinquency proceedings do not have the same constitutional rights as those given to adults in regular criminal court cases. In fact, prior to the 1960s young people had few due process rights at all. But as juvenile court proceedings have become more formal, states and courts have strengthened youths' constitutional rights.

Below is a summary of the due process rights that do and do not apply to youth in delinquency proceedings. Some of these rights derive from U.S. Supreme Court cases -- and therefore apply to all states -- while other rights vary by state.

• No (or limited) right to a jury trial. Most states do not allow jury trials in juvenile delinquency cases. The few states that do allow jury trials often limit them to only certain types of juvenile cases.

• No right to bail. Youth do not have a constitutional right to seek bail. But many young people are released to their moms and dads or guardians prior to arraignment in juvenile court.

• Probable cause needed to search a juvenile. Police officers must have probable cause to search and arrest a juvenile who is suspected of violating a criminal statute. However, public officials in quasi-parental relationships with juveniles -- like school personnel -- need only "reasonable suspicion" of wrongdoing rather than probable cause to temporarily detain and search juveniles.

• Right to a phone call. Usually, a juvenile is allowed to make at least one phone call if they are in custody and not likely to be released quickly. The juvenile can call a parent or guardian, who in turn can contact an attorney. Or the juvenile can contact an attorney directly. By asking to speak with a parent or attorney, the juvenile invokes his or her Miranda rights. So, if police ignore the juvenile's request to consult a parent or attorney, anything the juvenile says to the police after that will likely be inadmissible in juvenile court.

• The privilege against self-incrimination. Juveniles in juvenile court proceedings have a right to assert their Fifth Amendment privilege against self-incrimination. This means that a juvenile cannot be forced to testify against him or herself.

• The right to confront and cross-examine witnesses. Even though a youth adjudication hearing is not a formal criminal trial, a juvenile has the right to confront and cross-examine witnesses -- meaning the juvenile gets a chance to question (through an attorney) the people called to testify by the state, and to challenge their testimony.

• The right to counsel. In 1967, the U.S. Supreme Court (in a case called In re Gault) ruled that juveniles have the right to an attorney in juvenile proceedings. If a juvenile cannot afford an attorney, he or she has the right to be represented by a state-appointed attorney.

• The right to have charges proved beyond a reasonable doubt. The U.S. Supreme Court has ruled that if a youth faces incarceration or adjudication as "delinquent" as a result of juvenile court proceedings, then the state must prove the charges against the youth "beyond a reasonable doubt." If those penalties are not at issue, the state need only prove the charges by a "preponderance of evidence" standard.

• The right to notice of the charges. In re Gault also requires that a youth be provided with notice of the criminal charges he or she faces.

Juveniles Tried in Adult Court—

Some juvenile cases get transferred to adult criminal court through a process called a "waiver" -- when a judge waives the protections that juvenile court provides. Usually, juvenile cases that are subject to waiver involve more serious crimes, or juveniles who have been in trouble before. Although being tried in adult court gives a youth more constitutional protections, it has distinct disadvantages too -- including the potential for a more severe sentence and the possibility of serving time in an adult correctional facility. 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents with Delinquent Children and Teens

Below you'll find an outline of the waiver process, factors the court will consider in deciding whether to transfer a youth to adult court, and the pros and cons of trying young people in adult court.

Cases Eligible for Waiver—

In most states, a youth offender must be at least 16 to be eligible for waiver to adult court. But, in a number of states, juveniles as young as 13 could be subjected to a waiver petition. And a few states allow kids of any age to be tried as adults for certain types of crimes, such as homicide. The current trend among states is to lower the minimum age of eligibility for waiver into adult court. This is due in part to public perception that youth crime is on the rise, and offenders are getting younger.

Factors that might lead a court to grant a waiver petition and transfer a juvenile case to adult court include:

• Past rehabilitation efforts for the youth have been unsuccessful.

• The youth has a lengthy juvenile record.

• The youth is charged with a particularly serious offense.

• The juvenile is older.

• Youth services would have to work with the youth offender for a long time.

Waiver Petition—

There are three ways that transfer proceedings can usually begin -- the most common is through the prosecutor's request. But the juvenile court judge can also initiate transfer proceedings. And some state laws require that young people be tried as adults in certain types of cases, like homicide. (To learn more about state laws requiring youth to be tried as adults, see the "Automatic Transfer Laws and Reverse Transfer Hearings" section below.)

If the prosecutor or Juvenile Court Judge seeks to transfer the case to adult court, the juvenile is entitled to a hearing and representation by an attorney. This hearing is called the waiver hearing, fitness hearing, or certification hearing. Usually, the prosecutor must show probable cause that the youth actually committed the charged offense.

If the prosecutor has established probable cause, the Juvenile Court Judge must then decide on the juvenile's chances at rehabilitation. To make this decision, the judge will often hear evidence on the juvenile's:

• willingness to get treatment in the juvenile system

• juvenile court record

• background

If the Juvenile Court Judge transfers the juvenile case to adult criminal court, the case starts there at the beginning -- typically with the arraignment (formal, in-court notice of charges against the youth).

Automatic Transfer Laws and Reverse Transfer Hearings—

Some states have "automatic transfer" laws that require juvenile cases to be transferred to adult criminal court if both of the following are true.

• The charges involve a serious or violent offense, such as rape or murder.

• The offender is a certain age or older (usually 16).

Young people subject to an automatic transfer can still request a transfer hearing in juvenile court. During that hearing -- called a reverse waiver or reverse transfer hearing -- the youth (through an attorney) has the burden of convincing the Juvenile Court Judge to reverse the automatic transfer and allow the youth to be tried in juvenile court.

Pros and Cons Adult Criminal Court—

Usually, youth and their attorneys fight to keep a case in juvenile court. But there are also advantages to being tried in adult criminal court. Here are some of the pros and cons for young people whose cases are waived to adult court.

Advantages of Adult Court—

Sometimes, it can be advantageous for a youth to be tried in adult court. Here are some reasons why:

• In some jurisdictions where dockets and jails are crowded, the court may be inclined to dispose of the youth's case more quickly and impose a lighter sentence.

• Juries in adult court may be more sympathetic to a juvenile.

• Juveniles have the right to a jury trial in adult court (most states do not provide a right to a jury in juvenile court).

Disadvantages of Adult Court—

Some of the disadvantages for youth in adult court include the following:

• A conviction in adult criminal court carries more social stigma than a juvenile court judgment does.

• Adult criminal records are harder to seal than juvenile court records -- sealing or "expunging" records makes them unavailable to the public.

• Judges in adult court do not have the wide range of punishment and treatment options that are available to juvenile court judges -- such as imposing a curfew or ordering counseling instead of jail time.

• The youth is subject to more severe sentences, including life sentences.

• The youth may have to serve time in adult jail or prison, rather than in juvenile detention centers.

Sentencing Options—

Juvenile courts have a wide range of sentencing options (usually called "disposition orders") that they can impose on juveniles or youth offenders who are found to be "delinquent" (that is, finding that the juvenile violated a criminal law). Typically, disposition options fall into two camps: incarceration and non-incarceration. One non-incarceration option in particular -- probation -- forms the backbone of the juvenile justice system. Read on to learn about the different kinds of sentencing options used in juvenile court, the ins and outs of probation, and whether a disposition order can be appealed or changed. 

 
==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents with Delinquent Children and Teens

Incarceration—

After adjudicating a youth as delinquent, a juvenile court may order incarceration as a penalty. But methods used to confine young people are often very different from those used in cases involving adult offenders (when jail and prison are the fallback options). Here are some ways that judges can order confinement for a youth who has been found delinquent:

• Adult jail. In some cases, a Juvenile Court Judge can send a youth to adult facilities like county jail or state prison.

• Home confinement/house arrest. The Juvenile Court Judge can order the juvenile to remain at home, with exceptions (attend school, work, counseling, and so on).

• Youth and adult jail. In some jurisdictions, judges can send delinquent young people to a juvenile facility, and then order transfer to an adult facility once the youth reaches the age of majority. When a juvenile is ordered to serve time in both a juvenile and adult facility, it is called a "blended sentence."

• Juvenile hall/juvenile detention facility. The Juvenile Court Judge can send the juvenile to a juvenile detention facility. These facilities are designed for short-term stays.

• Placement with someone other than a parent or guardian. The Juvenile Court Judge can require that the juvenile live with a relative or in a group or foster home.

• Probation after juvenile hall. Some juveniles are sent to a juvenile facility for a few months and are then put on probation afterward.

• Secured juvenile facilities. These facilities are designed for longer term stays. Youth can be sent to secured facilities (sometimes called "camps") for months or years.

Non-Incarceration Options—

Juvenile court judges often have broad discretion to fashion a sentence or rehabilitation program that fits the needs of the juvenile. A disposition order may include options other than confinement, including:

• Community service. Youth may be ordered to work a certain number of hours in service to the local community.

• Counseling. Often, judges require youth to attend counseling as part of a disposition order.

• Electronic monitoring. Youth may be required to wear a wrist or ankle bracelet that verifies their location at all times.

• Fine. The juvenile may be required to pay a fine to the government or pay compensation to the victim.

• Probation. Judges often order young people to enter probation after a delinquency finding. (To learn more about probation, see the "Probation" section, just below.)

• Verbal warning. The sentence for the youth can be as simple as a verbal reprimand.

In creating a disposition order, juvenile court judges can order any of the above options alone or in combination. For example, a delinquent juvenile might need to pay a fine, attend counseling, and perform community service as a penalty for one offense.

Probation—

Probation is a program of supervision in which the juvenile's freedom is limited and activities restricted. Probation has been called the "workhorse" of the juvenile justice system -- according to the Office of Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention, probation is the most common disposition in juvenile cases that receive a juvenile court sanction. In an average year, about half of all juveniles judged to be delinquent receive probation as the most restrictive sentence.

 
==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents with Delinquent Children and Teens

Specific terms of probation vary widely from jurisdiction to jurisdiction, and from case to case. Typically, a youth must obey both the general terms of probation and any additional requirements tailored to the particular case. The court usually expects that moms and dads or a guardian will help the youth fulfill the conditions of the probation order. These conditions can include community service, attendance at a certain school, counseling, curfews, and orders that the youth not associate with certain individuals (as in cases involving suspected gang members). As part of probation, some young people must attend special day treatment programs that provide additional monitoring and educational services -- including anger management classes, social skills building, and substance abuse education.

Probation Officers (PO)—

A youth placed on probation is assigned to a PO who monitors the youth's compliance with the court's disposition order. The youth meets with the PO periodically (weekly or twice month, for example), and the youth's moms and dads or guardian must report any probation violations to the PO. In this way, the PO and the moms and dads work together to help the youth fulfill the conditions of probation.

Probation Violations—

If a youth is suspected of violating a probation condition, the PO notifies the court -- usually by filing a "violation of probation" notice. If the Juvenile Court Judge finds that the juvenile has indeed violated the terms of his or her probation, the court can revoke the probation option and impose a harsher sentence -- such as incarceration at a detention facility.

Appeals and Post-Disposition Changes—

Just as adults can appeal a sentence handed down in criminal court, young people have the right to appeal (or ask a higher court to overturn) a juvenile court's disposition order after a delinquency finding.

Youth can also ask a court to modify an order if circumstances change -- this is called a "post-disposition" change. Juvenile court judges have broad discretion to change their original orders in order to better serve the youth's needs and best interests. For example, a judge may order that the youngster change living arrangements if a better option becomes available.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents with Delinquent Children and Teens