Parent-Child Arguments: How to Avoid Power Struggles

Disputes between you and your kids are inevitable in family life.

If your family never has arguments, it probably means that issues are being avoided. To become productive grown-ups, kids need to be able to voice their opinions - even if they disagree with yours - and feel they are being taken seriously. Even so, you can and should keep the negative impact of arguments to a minimum.

Kids love to argue. They want their ideas to be everyone else's ideas. They like to prove that they are right and you and everyone else are wrong. Kids like to control the situation. They enjoy having power over their moms and dads. Kids have a need for power. This need is normal; kids see grown-ups as having power. We do what we want to do; at least, that's what our kids think. We appear self-reliant and secure. We are all grown up. We have power. Kids want to be like us. They want power, too.

Having a need for power is not a bad thing. It is only when a youngster uses power in a negative way that power can become a problem. Power-seeking kids try to do what they want to do. They refuse to do what you ask. Kids who seek power do not like to be told what to do. They resist authority. They like to make the rules. They like to determine how things are going to be done.

Here are 30 important tips for avoiding arguments with your “power-hungry” child or teenager:

1. A little humor may help. Here is a way to neutralize arguments in the car, for example. Whenever you are on a trip and the kids start to argue, ask them to stop. If they don't stop, begin talking about a trip for moms and dads only. "This explains why so many moms and dads leave their kids at home. Next trip, let's go somewhere romantic." When kids hear this, they get the point.

2. Admit you are wrong once in a while. This is a tough one. Your kids will learn from your example. When you openly admit your mistakes and weaknesses, you are showing them that grown-ups are not perfect. We don't know everything. Anthony attended a meeting I had with a proofreader of this book. He could not believe that she had so many suggestions. It was good for him to see that his dad is not perfect. It was also good for him to see that I did not take the corrections personally. I explained that she was helping me make the book better. I showed him that it's okay to make errors.

3. As long as arguments stay within certain boundaries, they are an acceptable and productive form of communication. They can continue as long as they are under control, respectful and are moving toward a solution. But discontinue them if they degenerate into name-calling, if calm voices are replaced by shouting or if you and your youngster are going around in circles without progressing toward a resolution. Never laugh at your youngster, no matter how ludicrous her arguments sound to you; by laughing you are essentially ridiculing her and what she is saying.

4. Be positive when disciplining your kids. Do not criticize. Be sure that punishments are fair and that they make sense to your youngster. Punishments should not humiliate or embarrass your youngster. Punishment should be mild. They should teach your youngster to make better decisions. Do not use punishment to get even with your youngster for something he has done that hurts you or makes you angry.

5. Be selective about the issues you fight over. When a potential problem arises, decide if it is really worth the battle; some issues probably are not. For example, if your youngster wants to wear an old pair of sneakers to school rather than the newer pair you recently bought her, or if she wants to wear her hair a little longer than you would prefer, you might decide to let her have her way, choosing to take a stand on more important matters instead. Pick your battles carefully.

6. Control yourself. Do not let him push your buttons. Have faith in your judgment. Do not give in to arguments like: "Taylor's mom lets him watch R-rated movies." Do not reward your youngster's revenge. The more confidence you have, the easier it will be for you to win your youngster's cooperation.

7. Do not ask why. Kids misbehave because they choose to misbehave. When you ask why, you are suggesting there may be an excuse: "Why did you do that?" "He told me to do it." Clever kids will search for excuses until they come up with one that you accept. If you don't accept it, you then have a power struggle on your hands.

8. Do not carry on about small mistakes; deal with it and then let it go. The purpose of verbal corrections is to have a more cooperative child. Misbehaviors and mistakes are normal. You can help your youngster best by minimizing problems. Do not dwell on them, or rehash the day's problems with your spouse in front of your youngster. Kids cannot build on weaknesses. They can only build on strengths. These same ideas apply when your kids are arguing with each other. Stay calm and do not make threats. If you can, help your kids reach a settlement.

9. Do not forget that kids learn how to handle disagreements by watching their moms and dads' example. How readily do you and your partner have "good" arguments, which end in successful reconciliation? Or do you stay angry, or avoid fights altogether? Your kids model themselves on you.

10. Giving verbal corrections is difficult. Verbal correction can turn into arguments, especially if you get angry. Yelling, scolding, and threatening help you vent your anger, but they do not correct misbehavior. Sometimes they make the misbehavior worse. Stay calm. Tell your kids to stop. Be ready to enforce a punishment if you must. Do not become caught in the cycle of yelling and threatening. You do not want to spend the rest of your life that way. Getting angry and yelling makes arguments worse. If your youngster's goal is to push your buttons and get you angry, yelling is a reward for misbehaving. Yelling will strengthen unwanted behavior.

11. If conflicts about particular issues recur again and again, take a look at the root causes. Think deeply about why you and your youngster are arguing about these matters, and try taking some preventive action. For example, if your child rebels against going to bed each night, she may be using her outbursts as a way to stay up a little longer, or to get more attention. Or if she repeatedly argues about doing her homework, try to put an end to these conflicts by actually writing up a contract stipulating the expectations, responsibilities, rewards and punishments for doing and not doing homework. Remember that the homework assignment is made by the teacher and is your youngster's responsibility. She may not do it your way, but if she is satisfying the school's requirements, you should not turn it into an issue at home. Both you and your youngster should sign the contract, agree to abide by it, and (hopefully) end the disagreements about the subject.

12. Let your youngster win sometimes. When you and your child argue, you need to do more than listen to her point of view; when she presents a persuasive case, be willing to say, "You convinced me. We'll do it your way." Let your child know that you value her point of view and that through communication, conflicts can be resolved - and that sometimes she can win.

13. Many moms and dads measure their worthiness by their kid’s success: "If I am a good parent, why are my children so bad?" They feel that if their kids are not perfect, then they must be less than adequate as moms and dads. By believing this, you are making yourself vulnerable to your kids. You become an easy target for any youngster looking for a button to push. Think about the reasons you might feel this way. Are you insecure about yourself? Do you feel this way because of your spouse? Is this a leftover belief from your relationship with your moms and dads? Think about your strengths rather than your insecurities. The more you focus on your strengths, the more confident you will become.

14. Most kids will quiet down for a while when threatened. Unfortunately, the father thinks that yelling works. This is a mistake. Yelling works temporarily, but the quiet will not last. Yelling and threatening have no long-term effect on misbehavior. The kids argue; father yells; they quiet down for a while. Soon, they argue again. Father yells. They quiet down again. This can go on and on. These kids will learn that they can argue until father yells at them to stop. They will not learn to solve their problems.

15. Most moms and dads deal with power by emphasizing counter-control. This does not work. Efforts to control a power-seeking youngster often lead to a deadlock or power struggle between your youngster and you. No final victory is ever possible for you. Once you find yourself in a power struggle, you have lost. If your youngster wins the power struggle, he is reassured that power caused the victory. You were defeated by his power. If you win the power struggle, your youngster thinks that it was your power that caused the victory and defeated him. He is reassured of the value of power. This results in kids striking back, again and again, each time with stronger methods. You win the battle but lose the war. Every youngster displays power differently. Most power struggles are active. Arguing is a good example of active power. Some kids have learned the value of passive resistance. Rather than argue, these kids will refuse to do what you asked. They nod their heads and just sit quietly. Some even smile a little. This type of power has a definite purpose-to push your buttons.

16. React appropriately to the size of the problem. If your youngster misbehaves while shopping, restrict him from shopping: "You can't go shopping with me for two weeks. You will have to stay home. I hope that when you can come with me again, you will behave."

17. Realize that an upset youngster is not a good listener. This is not the time for constructive communication. Wait until he cools off.

18. Remind your youngster of previous good behavior: "That's not like you. You are always very well behaved when we go shopping."

19. Separate your youngster from his behavior. Say, "That behavior is unacceptable." Do not say, "Anyone who would do that is stupid."

20. Some families draw a third person into the conflict, supposedly to mediate the difficulty, but who instead may take a position on one side or the other and thereby make the disagreement worse. Sometimes when they are unable to resolve their conflict, the warring parties may join together to focus attention on another family member as a way to avoid dealing with the real problem. Within every family, certain alliances, coalitions and rivalries exist. At times, mother and daughter might form an alliance against father and son. Or the two moms and dads might unite against the kids on a particular issue. But within a healthy family, these coalitions are not fixed, they change from situation to situation, and they do not disrupt the functioning of the family. If they become rigid and long-lasting, however, they can do damage to the family. It is natural to be unaware that any alliances exist within your family. But to get a better sense of your family's dynamics, ask yourself questions like: "What family member do I tend to agree (or disagree) with most often? When my kids are fighting, whose side do I generally take? With whom in the family do I usually spend my free time? Who in the family most easily angers me?"

21. State your concern: "Your behavior at the store was not acceptable. I was embarrassed." Then calmly issue a warning regarding the consequences that will be issued in the future if the child repeats the undesirable behavior.

22. Stop being part of the power struggle. It takes two to have a power struggle. It takes two to argue. Make a firm commitment to yourself that you will no longer engage in arguments and lengthy explanations. State your expectations clearly and firmly and walk away. Tell your youngster exactly what you want him to do, when he must do it, and what happens if he does not. Then walk away. Do not stay in the situation and argue. Go to your room and close the door if necessary. Do not let your youngster push your buttons. If you get angry, you will be rewarding your youngster. Your anger will give your youngster the power over you that he seeks. You may need to use punishment when dealing with power. Tell your youngster what to do. Be ready with a punishment if your youngster fails to cooperate. If you punish a youngster because of a power struggle, remember two things. First, do not punish in anger; this will only encourage your youngster to strike back with power. Second, smaller punishments work better than bigger punishments. If your youngster thinks you have punished him too harshly, he will retaliate with power.

23. Teach your kids to learn from their mistakes rather than suffer from them. Point out things they do wrong by showing them ways to do it better: "You remembered to take out the garbage. Good going. The twist ties need to be a little tighter next time. I'll show you how."

24. The difference between power and authority lies within you. When you have to confront your kids, emphasize cooperation, not control. Stay calm and rational in spite of the situation. Guard your anger button. Stop and think. Do not react impulsively. Give clear and specific expectations. Explain what will happen if your youngster chooses not to cooperate. Do not give ultimatums. Focus on influencing your youngster's motivation.

25. The target of your youngster's revenge is your feelings. A youngster who wants to get even wants to hurt you. If he does, he has achieved his payoff. Some moms and dads lack self-confidence about their skills as a parent. Clever kids realize this and take full advantage of the parent's weakness. Revenge-seeking kids know exactly where to strike. They say things such as, "I hate you. You're a terrible mother." The reason for these remarks is to make you feel hurt. You feel that you have failed your kids. They want you to feel inadequate and guilty. When you feel inadequate or guilty, you begin to question your own judgments. Then you begin to give in. There is nothing a revenge-seeking youngster would like more than for you to become inconsistent. This is the payoff they are looking for. Believe in your own abilities, and you will not become the victim of your youngster's revenge. Support yourself. When your youngster strikes at your buttons, remain strong. Tell yourself that you are a good parent-you are doing the best you can.

26. The worst thing a youngster can say is, "That's not fair," and then tell you why. Many moms and dads feel guilty and reconsider or try to justify it. It's impossible to be totally fair all the time---and it's not necessary. As long as you know you are as fair as you can be, trust yourself to make a quick decision. But the issue in these situations isn't fairness. It's what you want the youngster to do. Attempting to justify it, shifts the argument away from what he or she must do. That's what needs to be focused on.

27. Validate your relationship: "You are my son and I love you. Nothing you do will ever change that."

28. When a youngster feels hurt or angry, he may want to get even. He wants to hurt you. Getting even takes away some of his hurt and anger. Getting even makes kids feel that justice has been served. Revenge is important to kids because of their keen sense of fairness. Revenge can destroy relationships between moms and dads and kids. This is especially true of teenagers. Some kids embarrass you in front of others. Some kids strike out at something that is special to you. Some kids hurt a younger brother or sister. Some kids run away. Some kids will break a window or break something of value. I once worked with a mother who had a vengeful teenage son. One day she came home to find that he had thrown all of her fine china and crystal glasses into the street. Revenge is not pleasant. Revenge typically begins when you punish your youngster for something he believes is unfair. He decides to get even with you by misbehaving again. He pushes your buttons. You get angry and punish again. He strikes back again. The cycle of retaliation begins.

29. When your youngster does what you ask without an argument, thank him. Call attention to it: "Thank you. You did what I asked without an argument. I appreciate that. It shows you are cooperating." As a long-term solution, remember that a youngster's need for power can be a positive thing. Look for independence, self-reliance, leadership, and decision making. When your youngster shows these qualities, spotlight them. Catch him being good. As with most behavior problems, the positive approach is the best remedy for handling power.

30. YOUR YOUNGSTER SAYS, "I HATE YOU." This one stings when uttered in the heat of battle, but try not to take it personally, it's rarely meant that way. Children are raised now to be outspoken, and sometimes that freedom of speech comes without thought. Kids need to feel that their anger toward their moms and dads is not dangerous, that their attachment to you is so secure nothing will result. This also reminds them that such remarks are a part of childhood that cannot seriously threaten the world of grown-ups. Tell them that you're sorry they feel that way, but they still need to do what you asked. There might be times when you can't make a quick decision to end an argument. If you need more time to think, say so. But make it clear you will not listen to further discussion until you have made your decision. An issue might also come up during an argument that requires more discussion. Save it for a neutral time when you or the children have nothing to gain or lose by discussing it.

==> Help For Parents Who Are At Their Wits-End

Is Your Teenager Smoking Marijuana?

Federal health officials say they’re alarmed by a sharp rise in cannabis (marijuana) use among American teenagers, blaming the increase on medical cannabis campaigns. The increase is particularly stark among 8th graders, suggesting that attitudes about the risks of cannabis may be becoming more relaxed in teens thinking about using drugs for the first time.

A recent national survey indicates that cannabis use in 8th, 10th, and 12th graders is up across the country. By some measures, the increase over the last year is 10% or more according to the National Institute on Drug Abuse. Cannabis use among teenagers has been on the way up over the last three years. But new data, taken from the 46,000-student “Monitoring the Future” survey, shows the increase is accelerating, particularly in younger children.

In all, about 1 in 16 high school seniors admits to daily pot use… 3% of 10th graders and 1% of 8th graders say they smoke pot at least four days a week. Meanwhile, 24% of teenagers say they’ve used cannabis in the past year – up from 21.5% three years ago. These numbers coincide with other data showing teenagers' perception of daily cannabis use as risky has been on the decline since 2008.

The National Institute on Drug Abuse blames teenagers’ loosening attitudes and increased use on the widespread debate over medical cannabis. The debate may have led to a perception among teenagers that cannabis is beneficial – not detrimental. Rising cannabis use was predictable since teenagers now view it as less risky than they did before.

Overall, last year’s illicit drug use was up among all age groups surveyed. About 1 in 10 eighth graders, 18.5% of 10th graders, and 23.8% of 12th graders acknowledge using illegal drugs during the past year. What makes these statistics especially alarming is the fact that the potency of cannabis has increased exponentially in the past 20 years.

Signs Your Teen Is Smoking Pot—

• Bloodshot eyes

• Cigarette rolling papers

• Dilated (large) pupils

• Pipes, bongs, homemade smoking devices (you may see sticky residue from burned marijuana)

• Reduced motivation

• Seeds that have been cleaned from marijuana

• Sleepy appearance

• Smell on clothing, in room, or in car

Cannabis is usually smoked using cigarette rolling papers, water bong, or a makeshift bong that can be made from a variety of items. Generally it can be difficult to recognize cannabis use if you don't see your teenagers after smoking when they are still experiencing the effects of the drug.

Tips for Parents--

1. Explain to your teen that you do not want an illegal substance in your home – nor do you want your teen or his friends smoking in your home, because YOU could get charged with contributing to the delinquency of a minor.

2. Express your disapproval of your teen’s pot smoking in a calm, firm manner, without hysterics or unreasonable threats. You do not approve of this and will not condone it. You understand you cannot control his behavior, that if he chooses to smoke, you can't really stop him – but you will set some firm rules about this. For example, if you suspect he is breaking the rule by bringing marijuana into the house, he is to understand that his right to privacy in his room will be suspended and that periodic room searches will take place (backpacks may also be searched).

3. For some teenagers, smoking pot is purely a social activity, not unlike having a few beers with their buddies when they are hanging-out on a weekend night. Neither of these activities is acceptable, but it identifies it as the less risky “recreational use.”

4. If your teenager has his license, remind him that the same rule about drinking and not driving applies to smoking pot and driving. The research is very clear that it delays reaction times and, therefore, increases the risk of accidents.

5. If your teenager is saying things like “I’m going to do what I want – and you can't stop me,” then at least he’s being open about what he’s doing. This openness demonstrates a level of trust and honesty that is important to recognize and communicate. Parents can respond with, "I don't like what you are saying, but I’m glad you’re being honest with me." Despite the rebelliousness, your teen’s declaration that he is going to smoke pot does provide an opportunity for discussion.

6. Look for signs that use is turning into abuse (i.e., your teen's behavior or personality is changing in negative ways). If you begin to believe that your teenager is developing a serious addiction, then you can take much stronger steps (e.g., involving police, requiring routine drug testing, insisting on individual and family counseling with a specialist in substance abuse).

7. Often times, when teens are openly defiant about drug use or sexual activity, they are really asking for some limits to be imposed.

8. One good question to pose is "How would you know when it's not a good thing to do?" This is easily asked when your teenager is quick to point out he is not an “addict” like his friend who's “always high.’ This part of the discussion will touch on how often he actually uses marijuana and under what circumstances. It also clarifies his ability to acknowledge that there are risks of addiction – and can he tell the difference? For example, is your teenager aware that a chronic pot smoker (i.e., one who smokes daily for a month or more) typically becomes depressed when he stops using? Is your teen aware that research has shown that teenagers who smoke pot on a regular basis usually get their driver's license significantly later than non-users?

9. One of the most frequent driving forces behind marijuana use is when it is a form of self-medication. Teenagers who have undiagnosed ADHD often smoke marijuana to calm down. The depressed teenager often smokes marijuana to shut down negative thoughts and feelings. If there is an underlying problem driving the marijuana use, it is important for parents to identify the problem and encourage getting help for that problem.

10. Open-up and maintain a line of communication that is based on accurate information about the risks involved with drug abuse and encourage your teenager to make good decisions. The psychological capacity to be self-aware and make good decisions is really much more important than whether or not your teen smokes marijuana for a period of his life.

11. Part of the challenge in talking to your teen about drugs is finding those occasional moments when he/she is actually in the mood to talk. Usually driving somewhere together is one of the best times. Also, it is better to have only one parent involved in the conversation so it doesn't feel like a 2-on-1 discussion.

12. Remind your teen that employers now routinely drug test all applicants. Your teenager may be very disappointed when he gets fired from his part-time job because of a positive drug screen. Traces of marijuana remain in the system for about a month, and it is not as easy to hide as commonly thought.

13. Remind your teen that he can be arrested for using drugs – it's no fun to end-up on probation and to have to do community service.

14. Try to understand what your teenager is actually experiencing, and to try to engage her/him in a helpful dialogue. Hold back on your lectures and threats. Instead, approach your teen as the expert and ask for a greater understanding. Good questions to ask might be as follows:

• How much does it cost these days?
• I understand that the current weed is much stronger than what was around in my day. Is that true?
• Is it easy to get pot?
• What are the benefits to you?
• What different types of pot are out there now?
• What is it like when you get high?
• Why do you like to get high?

15. It is important to know who your teenager is smoking pot with – friends or acquaintances. Smoking with friends suggests that the drug use is recreational (you may be surprised to learn that some of your teenager's friends that you like and thought were positive influences are smoking pot as well). Smoking with acquaintances (i.e., peers your teen hangs-out with for the sole purpose of getting high) suggests that your teen is beginning to be influenced by some other teenagers that may be more of a fringe group who don't share the values you and your teenager have discussed as important. If there is such a shift taking place – that in itself becomes an important topic for exploration. Questions to find answers to would be:

• Are his former friends "not cool" because they don't get high?
• Has his old group moved beyond him in some way?
• Why is he distancing himself from his usual social group?

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

How To Control The Uncontrollable Child: 30 Tips For Parents Who Are At Their Wits End

Parents struggle with the appropriate ways to deal with the misbehavior of a youngster. When all of the efforts have produced little results, what is the next step? Experts suggest that there are three areas that need to be examined before further action is taken. Ask yourself:

• How am I handling the misbehavior?

• What specific tools can I find to help me in this situation?

• Why is the youngster misbehaving?

Kids have their own temperaments, personalities and individual ways of reacting to authority. When rules and limits are placed upon kids they may test the rules to the limit to find out how far their independence can go. The expectations set for them by moms and dads may be too strict or too lenient and the kids may resort to misbehavior to gain the attention not gained when behavior is good or as normally expected.

Toddlers begin the journey to independence with the establishment of the word "no." Pre-schoolers and school-age kids seek limits by testing what authority will allow and what they can get away with. A certain amount of defiance is expected, and healthy, as kids establish their own independence. Each situation will differ in terms of circumstances, personalities and responsibilities. 

 

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How Parents Can Make Discipline More Effective—

1. Decide if you need outside assistance. If prolonged or acutely severe behavior problems continue to exist after recommended intervention is attempted, then professional help is advised. Determine what services are available in your community through the school system, mental health centers, support groups, etc. Take advantage of services appropriate for your needs.

2. Distraction can be an effective tool in redirecting attention from something that they want to do (that is inappropriate) to something that is appropriate. For example, if a youngster wants to jump on the lounge, suggest going outside and jumping on the trampoline (to allow them to jump appropriately) or going for a walk to the park (fulfilling the desire to be physically active), or even something completely unrelated like making play dough (this can be less effective if the youngster wants to physically unwind). The closer your alternative is to what they are wanting, the more likely you are to succeed in changing their focus. The key is to make the distraction sound as enticing and exciting as possible, and you don't want to draw attention to the undesired activity (you are trying to make them forget about that!).

3. Education is a disciplinary technique. Use education as a direct consequence of misbehavior. Education is an opportunity to move your youngster to “thoughtful” from his normal stance as “thoughtless.” In many cases, a youngster's misbehavior is based in ignorance. Racial slurs, or physically risky behavior (e.g., smoking, driving too fast), can often be corrected easier and more effectively by a specifically educational response than by other forms of discipline (e.g., scolding, making rules). Education is not about lecturing, and since your youngster may not be open to hearing the truth from you, an educational consequence may be best imposed by another adult he respects.

4. Establish some home rules. All family members old enough to participate can be involved in establishing home rules and consequences for violation of the rules. Holding family meetings to establish and regularly review and "update" rules is effective and helps to keep all family members informed and involved. Be sure to share these rules with others providing care to your kids (relatives, care givers, etc.) so they will also know what the expectations are and actions they should take when kids misbehave.

5. Get the youngster's attention. Make eye contact with the youngster before a command is issued. Yelling from across the room will not be effective.

6. Hiring a substitute. A youngster may choose to "hire" someone to do his chore (e.g., by paying a wage of $1.00, or mutually agree to trade chores).

7. Patiently show the youngster the "right way" to behave or do a chore.

8. Perhaps the simplest and most effective way of changing a youngster's behavior is to let her know that you disapprove of it. State your objections clearly, and give reasons. “I don't like it when you hit your younger brother. It's cruel and thoughtless, and I want my kids to be kind and compassionate.” When your youngster hears your disappointment or disapproval, she may shape up. Disapproval works when it is stated clearly. Don't nag, rub it in, carry on, or hold disapproval as a grudge. Children can hear a complaint or disapproval once – more than once erases the message from their little brains and closes their ears. Your disapproval needs to be expressed with conviction and passion, but without fury.

9. Post a list of jobs that need to be done (e.g., washing the car, weeding the garden, etc.). Let the youngster choose a "work detail" as a way to "make up" for rule violations. This is especially effective for kids 6 years and older.

10. Rearrange space. Try creative solutions. If clothes and toys are left lying about, have baskets and lower hooks for easier cleanup. If school notes and homework are misplaced, assign a special table or counter for materials. If chores are forgotten, post a chart with who does what when.

11. Redirect behavior. Substitute a positive behavior for one that's a problem (e.g., drawing on walls, have paper available; throwing sand, use a ball for throwing; trouble taking turns, add another toy or have them help an adult (to satisfy this need for power).

12. Remain in authority. Stick to your guns. Don't get talked out of your feelings or your reasons for issuing the command and don't let the youngster wear you down.

 

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13. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Many times we speak before we think and make demands that we can't follow through with (e.g., "If you cut your toes off with the lawn mower, don't come running to me." … "If you don't clean up the dishes, you won't have dinner for a month"). Don't say something that you can't follow through with. Think about the consequence of certain behaviors before expressing them. Also consider if and how you will be able to administer the consequence. Follow through your command with immediate consequences or rewards for the youngster's behavior.

14. Send a warning. Your child starts acting out, and the first thing you do is warn her: “Cut it out or I'll take that paint brush away,” or “I'm counting to 10. One, two, three...”. In many cases, bingo! End of misbehavior! Warnings are not the same as threats. Threats are threatening; warnings simply put the youngster on alert that the behavior needs to stop, now, or there will be consequences. The best warnings clearly state the limit and the related consequence. Warnings only work if your youngster believes that you'll follow through. Be careful not to cry wolf. Be prepared for your youngster to call your bluff. The moms and dads who are the most successful with warnings are the ones who aren't afraid to follow through on each and every warning. Be consistent – it provides security for your youngster, and ensures that you'll be listened to.

15. Set expectations. Don't ask the youngster to follow a command. Remind the youngster that you expect him or her to behave in certain ways. Explain what behavior is acceptable and what is not acceptable and what the consequences will be.

16. Strive for consistency. Confronting the behavior, when it occurs, giving the reason it is not acceptable, and following through with the consequence on a consistent basis is the most effective way to change the misbehavior. If we are not consistent, in disciplining a youngster, the youngster will believe it is all right to act this way sometimes, and continue the misbehavior on occasion.

17. Take away privileges. Match the removal of the privilege to the action taken as closely as possible (e.g., fighting over TV results in loss of TV time). Take away the privilege for a short period. If it lasts too long, resentment builds, the youngster forgets the infraction and the lesson is lost.

18. Take care of your mental health. Go out and have fun. If you don’t take care of you, you will not be able to take care of your youngster.

19. Take it one step at a time. Even when you have tried everything, having the right attitude will increase the youngster's self-esteem and offer the limits in a loving way. Chances are that if the behavior worsens, the modification is working. You are tightening the reins and they feel threatened. It will get better with consistent application.

20. Tie what you want to what they need (e.g., when you pick up your toys, then you can watch TV; when you come home from school on time, then you can have a friend over).

21. Use a firm voice. Give commands in a firm controlled voice and with an authoritative manner. Don't make it a game for the youngster to guess if you mean it or not.

22. Use a Point System. Give points for good behavior and take away points for bad behavior. In some households, accumulated "points" are traded in for rewards. In others, privileges are based on behavior, and dropping below a certain point level may cause a loss of privileges. Be careful that the youngster doesn't start to do things only for the points rather than because it's a nice thing to do.

23. Use a Reward System. Intended as a supplement for other methods of discipline, the reward system relies on you going out of your way to praise positive behavior (e.g., thank your youngster for helping with something, comment on how nice and quiet your youngster has been for the last half hour, etc.). It's very easy to overlook when your youngster is being good, but it is generally all the times he or she is not being bad.

24. Use logical consequences. Let the consequence make the point (e.g., misuse a toy, lose use of the toy for a period of time; write on the wall with crayons, wash it off; miss a curfew, lose same amount of time from the next outing).

25. Use natural consequences. The basic concept behind this method is to let nature run its course when appropriate (e.g., If your youngster leaves his toy outside it may get lost or ruined … If your youngster leaves his umbrella at school, he will get wet the next time it rains … If your youngster forgets her lunch, she goes hungry until she gets home).

 

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26. Use positive discipline, which is a technique that sees misbehavior as an opportunity for teaching new behaviors (e.g., after your youngster has learned her toy is ruined, you could show her how to organize her things). Also, set positive examples in the way you, the parent, act, and eliminate negative language. So instead of saying, "don't do that", provide some direction by saying, "Why don't you do this instead."

27. Use separation and replacement. Children squabbling over an object? Take it away. If you separate a youngster from an object, make sure you replace the activity with something productive. Putting the Nintendo on a high shelf without giving the children something else to do will only leave them: (a) bored and ready to cause more trouble, and (b) empty-handed-they'll have to fight each other. Only separate a youngster from an object when the object is related to the misbehavior.

28. Use time-outs. Time-outs separate a youngster from a situation in order to “break” the action and reset it on a new track. Time-outs take the youngster out of an environment that is reinforcing the negative behavior. For school age children, time-outs shouldn't always be timed, they should allow the youngster enough time to change his mood on his own. A time-out is over once the mood has been changed or the youngster has calmed down and regained self-control. Let the youngster determine when a time-out is over (she needs to learn to determine her own moods and rhythms). Don't threaten time-outs, and don't think of them as punishments (“Hit me again and I'll put you in a time-out!”). They're meant to be used as an immediate, brief cooling-off period. Time-outs are designed to remove a youngster from an environment where she is getting gratification for her negative actions. When she returns, don't let her resume her activity. Let her know that her actions were unacceptable. Move her into a more positive situation, and give her positive reinforcement. Time-outs are most effective when a youngster needs help changing a mood. Moms and dads can take time-outs, too.

29. When something goes wrong, one of the best responses of all is usually to sit down and talk about it. Often, open communication is all that is needed to change behavior, or to make sure that a certain misbehavior doesn't happen again. You can talk with your youngster alone during special time or during family meetings. Use your discussions to point out natural consequences that might occur from the misbehavior. Children sometimes need help seeing the chain of events, and understanding why they happen.

30. When you're faced with mild, irritating misbehavior, sometimes the best response is to ignore it. Ignoring is a very active behavior; it doesn't mean just letting it slide and neglecting your youngster. Ignoring a behavior requires: (a) developing a poker face-a relaxed body, and straight, unimpressed face-and refuse to get riled by the annoying behavior; (b)making an active decision to ignore it; (c) paying attention silently while you are actively ignoring it. What kind of behavior can you ignore? Certainly, never anything dangerous or hurtful to the youngster, anybody else, or any object. Good types of behavior to ignore would include: nail biting, nose picking, tuneless humming, minor swearing, foot jiggling, gross jokes, and annoying laughs. Children often try out annoying behavior patterns, and the more attention that is paid, the worse the patterns get. Ignoring is gentle, and it works. It's based on the premise that, for your youngster, negative attention (pushing your buttons) will give him more satisfaction than will getting no attention.

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