Handling Homework Hassles

Tired of arguing, nagging and struggling with your child to get him to do homework? Are you discovering that bribing, threatening, and punishing yield very few positive results? Here are 15 important tips that, if implemented in your home with consistency and an open heart, will reduce homework struggles significantly:

1. Allow kids to make choices about homework and related issues. They could choose to do study time before or after dinner. They could do it immediately after they get home or wake up early in the morning to do it. Invite them to choose the kitchen table or a spot in their own room. One choice kids do not have is whether or not to study.

2. Back up words with actions. Make it clear that choosing not to do study is choosing not to enjoy certain privileges. Say, “If you choose not to study, then you will choose not watch TV, listen to music or use the telephone. The choice is yours.”

3. Eliminate the word “homework” from your vocabulary. Replace it with the word “study.” Have a “study time” instead of a “homework time.” Have a “study table” instead of a “homework table.” This word change alone will go a long way towards eliminating the problem of your youngster saying, "I don't have any homework." Study time is about studying, even if you don't have any homework. It's amazing how much more homework children have when they have to study regardless of whether they have homework or not.

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4. If Tip #1 does not work, then you may need to establish a study routine. This needs to be the same time every day. Let your kids have some input on when study time occurs. Once the time is set, stick to that schedule. Children thrive on structure even as they protest. It may take several weeks for the routine to become a habit. By having a regular study time you are demonstrating that you value education. Keep the routine predictable and simple. One possibility includes a five minute warning that study time is approaching, bringing their current activity to an end, clearing the study table, emptying their back pack of books and supplies, then beginning.

5. Help without over-assistance. Only help if your youngster asks for it. Do not do problems or assignments for kids. When your youngster says, "I can't do it," suggest they act as if they can. Tell them to pretend like they know and see what happens. Then leave the immediate area and let them see if they can handle it from there. If they keep telling you they don't know how and you decide to offer help, concentrate on ‘asking’ rather than on ‘telling’. For example: "Can you give me an example?" … "How could you find out?" … "What do you get?" … "What do you think the answer is?" … "What parts do you understand?"

6. If you want a behavior – you have to teach a behavior. Disorganization is a problem for many school age kids. If you want them to be organized, you have to invest the time to help them learn an organizational system. Your job is to teach them the system. Their job is to use it – and check occasionally to see if the system is being used. Check more often at first. Provide direction and correction where necessary. If your youngster needs help with time management, teach them time management skills. Help them learn what it means to prioritize by the importance and due date of each task. Teach them to create an agenda each time they sit down to study. Help them experience the value of getting the important things done first.

7. It's their Problem. Their pencils have to move. Their brains need to engage. Their bottoms need to be in the chair. It is their report cards that they bring home. Too many moms and dads see homework as the parent's problem. So they create ultimatums, scream and shout, threaten, bribe, scold, and withhold privileges. Have you noticed that most of these tactics don’t work? Our responsibility as moms and dads is to provide our kids with an opportunity to do homework. Our job is to provide structure, to create the system. The youngster's job is to use the system.

8. Most kids do not like to do homework. Children do not enjoy sitting and studying. At least, not after having spent a long school day comprised mostly of sitting and studying. So give up your desire to have them like it. Focus on getting them to do it.

9. Notice when your youngster completes homework. “I really like the way you’re getting your study time done. That’s what I expect from you.”

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

10. Replace monetary and external rewards with encouraging verbal responses. End the practice of ‘paying for grades’ and going on a special trip for ice cream. This style of bribery has only short term gains and does little to encourage kids to develop a lifetime love of learning. Instead make positive verbal comments that concentrate on describing the behavior you wish to encourage. For example: "All your letters are right between the lines. I'll bet your teacher won't have any trouble reading this." … "I notice you stayed up late last night working on your term paper. It probably wasn't easy saving that much to the end, but your efforts got it done." … "I see you got the study table all organized and ready to go early. Looks like initiative and responsibility hooked together to me." … "You followed the directions exactly and finished in 15 minutes."

11. State clearly how you expect study time to be done. Tell your youngster, “I expect you to do all your studies, every night. Under no circumstances will I tolerate you not doing study time.”

12. Talk to the teacher. If the problem continues, ask the teacher to back up your efforts by providing additional discipline for homework assignments not completed.

13. Consider drafting a “study time contract.” Make a written agreement with your youngster that states something like, “Each day you complete study time, you will earn one point. When you have earned five (or ten) points, you will earn a special privilege.”

14. Use study time to get some of your own responsibilities handled. Do the dishes, fold laundry, or write thank you notes. Keep the TV off! If you engage in fun or noisy activities during that time, kids will naturally be distracted. Study time is a family commitment. If you won't commit to it, don't expect that you kids will.

15. You cannot make anyone do study time. You cannot make your youngster learn. You cannot make him hold a certain attitude. You cannot make him move his pencil. But you can assist. Concentrate on assisting by sending positive invitations. Invite and encourage your youngster using the ideas above.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Helping Children Through Divorce

The following suggestions can make the process of divorce less painful for children, teenagers, and families. Honesty, sensitivity, self-control, and time itself will help the healing process. Be patient! Not everyone's timetable is the same.

1. Encourage children to openly discuss their feelings — positive or negative — about what's happening.

It's important for divorcing — and already divorced — parents to sit down with their children and encourage them to say what they're thinking and feeling. But you'll need to keep this separate from your own feelings. Most often, kids experience a sense of loss of family and may blame you or the other parent — or both — for what is going on in their lives. So, you'll really need to be prepared to answer questions your children might raise or to address their concerns.

Make talking about the divorce and how it's affecting your children an ongoing process. As children get older and become more mature, they might have questions or concerns that they hadn't thought of earlier. Even if it seems like you've gone over the same topics before, keep the dialogue open. If possible, sit down with the other parent and plan how you're going to talk to your youngster or kids about what is going on.

If you feel like you may get too upset, ask someone else (a relative, maybe) to talk to them. It's OK for children to see their moms and dads feel sad or upset, but getting very emotional can make children feel responsible for their parents' feelings. Group programs for children of divorce run by schools or faith-based organizations are an excellent resource for children and families who need some help to get through these early stages.

It's natural for children to have many emotions about a divorce. They might feel guilty and imagine that they "caused" the problem. This is particularly true for the many children who overheard their moms and dads arguing about them. Children and teenagers may feel angry or frightened, or worried about their future.

Although children may struggle with a divorce for quite some time, the real impact is usually felt over about a 2- to 3-year period. During this time, some will be able to voice their feelings but, depending on their age and development, other children just won't have the words. They may instead act out or be depressed. For school-age children, this is usually evident when their grades drop or they lose interest in activities. For younger kids, these feelings are often expressed during play, too.

It may be tempting to tell a youngster not to feel a certain way, but children (and adults, for that matter) have a right to their feelings. And if you try to force a "happy face," your children may be less likely to share their true feelings with you.

2. Keep adult conflict and arguments away from the children.

This is one of the hardest things to do. But it's important never to say bad things about your ex in front of your children, or within earshot. You'd be surprised at how good children can be to picking up on these things. Research shows that the single biggest factor in long-term adjustment for children of divorce is the level of parental-conflict they are exposed to. It puts children in really difficult positions if they want to or have to take sides, or listen to negative things said about one of their moms and dads.

It's equally important to acknowledge real events. If, for example, one spouse has simply abandoned the family by moving out, you need to acknowledge what has happened. It isn't your responsibility to explain the ex-spouse's behavior — but if your children want to ask you questions, it's important to answer as neutrally and as factually as possible.

3. Try not to use children as messengers or go-betweens, especially when you're feuding.

Even though it is tempting, don't use your children as messengers. There are plenty of other ways to communicate with your ex-partner. Also, resist questioning your youngster about what is happening in the other household — children resent it when they feel that they're being asked to "spy" on the other parent. Wherever possible, communicate directly with the other parent about relevant matters, such as scheduling, visitation, health issues, or school problems.

4. Expect resistance and difficulties as children adjust to a new mate or the mate's children.

New relationships, blended families, and remarriages are among the most difficult aspects of the divorce process. A new, blended family can add more stress for a while, and can cause another period of adjustment. Keeping lines of communication open, allowing one-on-one time for parents and children, and watching for signs of stress can help prevent problems developing.

5. Figure out how to reduce stress in your life to help your family.

Support from friends, relatives, church and religious groups, and organizations such as “Parents Without Partners” can help moms and dads and their children adjust to separation and divorce. Children can meet others who've developed successful relationships with separated parents and can confide in each other. Getting support can help parents find solutions to all kinds of practical and emotional challenges.

Whenever possible, children should be encouraged to have as positive an outlook on both parents as they can. Even under the best of circumstances, separation and divorce can be painful and disappointing for many children.

Moms and dads also need to remember to take care of themselves. Find your own way to reduce stress in your life by finding supportive friends and asking for help when you need it. Try to keep some old family traditions, while building new memories to share. Showing your children how to take good care of mind and body during difficult times can help them become more resilient in their own lives.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Taming Temper Tantrums in the Strong-Willed Child

Moms and dads expect temper tantrums from a 2-year-old, but angry outbursts don't necessarily stop after the toddler years. Older children sometimes have trouble handling anger and frustration, too. Some children only lose their cool on occasion, but others seem to have a harder time when things don't go their way. Children who tend to have strong reactions by nature will need more help from moms and dads to manage their tempers.

Here are 20 "temper-taming tips” for the "strong-willed" child:

1. By the time you arrive at the scene of the fight, you may be at the end of your own rope. After all, the sound of screaming is upsetting, and you may be frustrated that your children aren't sharing or trying to get along. (And you know that this toy they're fighting over is going to be lost, broken, or ignored before long anyway!). In these situations, the best thing to do is for you to maintain your own self-control intact. Teaching by example is your most powerful tool. Speak calmly, clearly, and firmly — not with anger, blame, harsh criticisms, threats, or putdowns.

2. Create clear ground rules and stick to them. Set and maintain clear expectations for what is and what is not acceptable. You can do this without using threats, accusations, or putdowns. Your youngster will get the message if you make clear, simple statements about what's off limits and explain what you want him or her to do. You might say: "There's no yelling in this house. Use your words to tell me what's upsetting you."

3. Encourage your youngster to take control. Compare a temper to a puppy that hasn't yet learned to behave and that's running around all over the place getting into things. Puppies might not mean to be bad — but they need to be trained so that they can learn that there's no eating shoes, no jumping on people or certain furniture, etc. The point is that your youngster's temper — like a puppy — needs to be trained to learn when it's OK to play, how to use all that extra energy, and how to follow rules.

4. Find a way to (safely) get the anger out. There may be no punching walls or even pillows, but you can suggest some good ways for a youngster to vent. Doing a bunch of jumping jacks, dancing around the bedroom, or going outside and doing cartwheels are all good choices. Or your youngster can choose to write about or draw a picture of what is so upsetting.

5. Help children put it into words. If your youngster is in the midst of an outburst, find out what's wrong. If necessary, use a time-out to get your youngster to settle down or calmly issue a reminder about house rules and expectations — "There's no yelling or throwing stuff; please stop that right now and cool your jets." Remind your youngster to talk to you without whining, sulking, or yelling. Once your youngster calms down, ask what got him or her so upset. You might say, "Use your words to tell me what's wrong and what you're mad about." By doing this you help your youngster put emotions into words and figure out what, if anything, needs to be done to solve the problem.

6. Help them label emotions. Help children get in the habit of saying what they're feeling and why — for example, "I'm mad because I have to clean my room while my friends are playing." Using words doesn't get a youngster out of doing a chore, but having the discussion can calm the situation. You're having a conversation instead of an argument. Praise your youngster for talking about it instead of slamming the door, for instance.

7. If it's uncharacteristic for your youngster to have a tantrum, on the rare occasion that it happens, all you may need to do is clearly - but calmly - review the rules. "I know you're upset, but no yelling and no name-calling, please" may be all your youngster needs to gain composure. Follow up by clearly, calmly, and patiently giving an instruction like "tell me what you're upset about" or "please apologize to your brother for calling him that name." In this way, you're guiding your youngster back to acceptable behavior and encouraging self-control.

8. Children that have learned that it's not OK to yell or hit or throw stuff when they're upset need other strategies for calming down when they're angry. Offer some ideas to help them learn safe ways to get the anger out or to find other activities that can create a better mood.

9. Learn to shift. Explain that part of calming down is moving from a really angry mood to a more in-control mood. Instead of thinking of the person or situation that caused the anger, encourage your son or daughter to think of something else to do. Suggest things to think of or do that might bring about a better mood. Your youngster may feel better after a walk around the block, a bike ride, playing a game, reading a favorite book, digging in the garden, or listening to a favorite song. Try one of these things together so you both experience how doing something different can change the way a person feels.

10. Listen and respond. Once your youngster puts the feelings into words, it's up to you to listen and say that you understand. If your youngster is struggling for words, offer some help: "so that made you angry," "you must have felt frustrated," or "that must have hurt your feelings." Offer to help find an answer if there's a problem to be solved, a conflict to be mended, or if an apology is required. Many times, feeling listened to and understood is all children need to regain their composure. But while acknowledging your youngster's feelings, it's important to make it clear that strong emotions aren't an excuse for unacceptable behavior. "I know you're mad, but it's still not OK to hit." Then tell your youngster some things to try instead.

11. Reacting to a child’s meltdown with yelling and outbursts of your own will only teach him/her to do the same. But keeping your cool and calmly working through a frustrating situation lets you show — and teach — appropriate ways to handle anger and frustration.

12. Regulating emotions and managing behavior are skills that develop slowly over time during childhood. Just like any other skills, your children will need to learn and practice them, with your help.

13. Remember that you're trying to teach your youngster how to handle anger. If you yell or threaten, you'll model and ingrain the exact kinds of behavior you want to discourage. Your children will see that you're so angry and unable to control your own temper that you can't help but scream.

14. See that children get a lot of physical activity. Active play can really help children who have big tempers. Encourage outside play and sports your youngster likes. Karate, wrestling, and running can be especially good for children who are trying to get their tempers under control. But any activity that gets the heart pumping can help burn off energy and stress.

15. Take a break from the situation. Tell your children that it's OK to walk away from a conflict to avoid an angry outburst. By moving to another part of the house or the backyard, a youngster can get some space and work on calming down.

16. To help tame a temper, try to be your youngster's ally — you're both rooting for your youngster to triumph over the temper that keeps leading to trouble.

17. Try to be flexible. Parenting can be a tiring experience, but try not to be too rigid. Hearing a constant chorus of "no" can be disheartening for children. Sometimes, of course, "no" is absolutely the only answer — "no, you can't ride your bike without your helmet!" But other times, you might let the children win one. For instance, if your youngster wants to keep the hide-and-seek game going a little longer, maybe give it 15 more minutes.

18. Try to be patient and positive, and know that anger-control skills take time to develop …and that just about every youngster can improve with the right parent-coaching.

19. Whether you're reacting to an occasional temper flare-up or a pattern of outbursts, managing your own anger when things get heated will make it easier to teach children to do the same.

20. While your own patience may be frayed by angry outbursts, opposition, defiance, arguing, and talking back, it's during these episodes that you need your patience most!!! Of course you feel angry, but what counts is how you handle that emotion.

As anyone who's been really angry knows, following sensible advice can be tough when emotions run high. Give your children responsibility for getting under control, but be there to remind them how to do it. Most children can learn to get better at handling anger and frustration. But if your youngster frequently gets into fights and arguments with friends, siblings, and adults, additional help might be needed. Talk with the other adults in your youngster's life — teachers, school counselors, and coaches might be able to help, and your youngster's pediatrician can recommend a counselor or psychologist.

==> Help for Parents with Out-of-Control Children and Teens