Dealing with Tough Financial Times

A lot of U.S. families are having “financial woes” these days. More families are facing foreclosure on their mortgages …energy prices and grocery bills are all going up ...and uncertainty over when things will take a turn for the better is making everyone tighten-up their spending.

So how do moms and dads explain this “money crunch” to their fashion-conscious middle-school children as well as their teens with dreams of out-of-state college or a new car? Here are some tips that may help:

1. Be honest with your kids — but don't tell them more than they need to know. Avoid overloading older children with too many details or worries that might scare them. Stick to brief explanations and be clear about changes made to the family budget.

2. Encouraging children to find creative ways to save or make money not only helps them feel empowered — it helps them feel like they're doing their part to help out.

3. Even young children are “brand- and consumer-aware” these days, so don't expect them to volunteer to scale back on their treats or activities right away – but, if you want to encourage budgeting behavior, offer incentives to get children on board.

4. Explain the new rules and also new opportunities for earning privileges and treats. Make it fun. Challenge children to come up with family-friendly, cost-effective activities that everyone will enjoy.

5. Explore fun, low-cost activities. Challenge your family to create memories without visiting a mall or a store. Some ideas include:

• bike riding together
• concerts
• cultural
• free movie nights
• going to a park
• library events
• museums and other local art
• sporting events
• visiting yard sales

6. Family meetings are a great way to establish these new “spending rules,” even if they're temporary until family finances are in better shape.

7. Get children involved. Do children get an allowance they can save up? Can they earn money or points toward back-to-school items? Older children might look into helping pay for college by saving money or applying for scholarships, loans, or grants.

8. When money is tight, tell your youngster that you cannot buy new toys right now, but perhaps the toys can be put on a wish list for the next birthday, Christmas, Hanukkah, or other gift-giving occasion.

9. If you can afford something that your youngster wants, offer a small reward in exchange for good behavior or keeping the bedroom straight. Short-term rewards, such as stickers or tokens, can keep younger children motivated. Financial incentives can help older children earn money toward their goals while teaching them valuable lessons about saving.

10. It's hard to keep your cool when you're working hard to keep the family afloat, or stressed out because the bank has threatened foreclosure. Take a deep breath and stay calm. If necessary, tell your youngster that you'll talk about it later, then be sure to set aside time to do so.

11. Children may not be interested in the global economy or why money is tight, but they can be told that there is a limited amount of money in the family budget. Do not cave into their every whim, and instead encourage children to plan ahead for new purchases.

12. Knowing what you want to say, what changes will be made, and how those changes will affect each youngster can help make this a little easier.

13. Learn to say "no." Sometimes moms and dads say "yes" to their children before figuring out how they'll afford a new expense. Even if you agreed to something, you can explain that you made a mistake, and — in order to be a financially responsible family — everyone must forego certain treats for a while.

14. Manage stress levels. Get support — yours is not the only family going through hard times. Try joining a support group or other social network in your area. Support groups are offered through local hospitals, churches, synagogues, libraries, and schools. If you feel that stress or anxiety is really starting to take its toll, tell your doctor, who may be able to put you in touch with counselors or suggest therapeutic strategies — such as relaxation techniques, exercise, or yoga — that can help you feel better and learn to manage your stress.

15. Once you've had "the talk" about money matters with your children, keep a list posted — perhaps on the refrigerator door — of the new house rules so that everyone knows what is expected of them.

16. Preteens are old enough to save money from a weekly allowance or earn it by doing chores around the house, raking leaves, or shoveling snow around the neighborhood.

17. Remind yourself that it's OK to reject pleas and set limits. You're not depriving your kids — you're teaching them important lessons about delaying gratification, earning treats and rewards, and about family finances. After all, food and rent come before toys.

18. Through part-time jobs or regular babysitting, teens can earn money outside the home and cover many of their own expenses.

19. When talking to your children, let them know that they're not alone in their desires. Say how you feel when you see something that you want, but can't purchase it right away. Explain that everyone in the family has to cut down on spending — including you — and remind them that, if they're really motivated, there are ways to earn money and work toward the things they truly want.

20. There are a lot of fun things to do that don’t cost a dime (or no more than a few bucks). Here are some ideas for “family fun” on a budget:

• Bake bread

• Bake cookies or a cake

• Cook an ethnic dinner

• Do soap carving

• Go and visit grandparents

• Go bike riding together

• Go bowling

• Go camping

• Go fishing

• Go swimming

• Go to a movie together

• Go to the library

• Go wading in a creek

• Go window-shopping

• Have a bonfire

• Have a family meeting to discuss whatever

• Have a family picnic in the park. Let the kids help prepare the food -- make sandwiches, pack an ice chest, make cookies for dessert

• Have a late evening cookout

• Have a neighborhood barbeque

• Have a water balloon fight in the backyard

• Learn a new game

• Make candles

• Make caramel corn

• Make homemade ice cream

• Plan a vacation

• Plant a tree

• Play basketball

• Play cards

• Play Frisbee

• Put a puzzle together

• Roast marshmallows

• Share feelings

• Sit on the porch in lawn chairs and watch people and cars go by

• Take a hike through a state park

• Take a walk through the woods

• Take a walk through your neighborhood. Say hello to everyone you meet, whether you know them or not

• Take advantage of entertainment the schools have to offer (e.g., band concerts, school plays)

• Take family pictures

• Take flowers to a friend

• Try a walk in the rain

• Try stargazing

• Visit a college campus

• Visit a museum

• Visit a relative

• Visit different parks in town

• Visit the fire station

• Visit the neighbors

• Watch a television show together

• Work on a family scrapbook

• Write letters to friends

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Dealing With Difficult Toddler Behavior

Dealing with toddler behavior can be really stressful when you’re not sure how to handle it.

Every parent knows that so-called “bad behavior” starts with the “terrible twos” and often gets worse before it gets better. We’ll call them the “tortuous threes.”

Some important “toddler traits” include the following:

1. Toddlers are mobile and expressive. They know how to move (fast!) and they know how to express themselves with words and actions. They know how to ask for things. They know how to scream at you when you say “no”. But they pretty much lack any capability to use adult logic.
2. Toddlers want independence. Toddlers can tell you what they want to have, or what they want to do, they want to be allowed to have it (or do it). They want to push the boundaries and try new things. Yet too many moms and dads don’t realize this is how the youngster learns and gains confidence. If you keep your youngster boxed into a strict set of rules, you risk squashing their inner confidence and willingness to take chances.
3. Toddlers have short fuses. Most toddlers behave as if everything is the end of their little world. And it annoys the heck out of moms and dads! We just want them to understand that not everything is a big deal, but we get screaming fits and tantrums instead. The parent’s view of the world is in complete misalignment with the youngster’s view.
4. Toddlers have a short attention span. I think it’s fair to say that nearly all toddlers have short attention spans unless they are very engaged in some activity. When I say these kids have a short attention span I mean that they can be easily distracted from most oncoming tantrums that relate to things like, “Mommy I want that toy.”

Language is a great parenting tool. And since your toddler is now able to express himself much more clearly than a year ago, this is a great time to use language. The most important language tool is to do something I call “getting in their head.” If your youngster doesn’t feel like you understand him, or at least that you are trying to understand him, you’ll encounter a big wall of resistance. What happens next? Welcome to temper tantrum city.

You can enter your youngster’s head by simply telling your youngster what you know to be true about his situation. For example: “Michael, I know that you want to play over here with this toy.” Next you can build on this rapport with an amplification statement such as, “…and that sure does look like a really fun toy. I bet you really like the nice colors!”

Doing this is like magic. Please don’t overlook it as simplistic and childish. It’s supposed to be! You’re dealing with a toddler! You need to enter their world, and that’s how you do it. The moment you do, your youngster is calmer and open to distraction, suggestion, humor, or logical consequences (should you need them).

If you are butting heads with your toddler, always build rapport by getting in their head before you try to implement any kind of behavioral change tactic. Otherwise, I promise you that you’ll have a more stressful time and there will be more tears. You’re mission is to prevent that.

Say your toddler wants to get a glass out of the cupboard by himself. You can’t have him climbing up on the counter and risking a fall, or having a glass shatter in his face. So you say “no” and you do it for him. He doesn’t understand. He throws a fit. All of a sudden you’re sitting there wondering, “What’s wrong with his behavior?”

It all could have been prevented very easily. How? You first get in your youngster’s head with a comment like, “Michael, I’m really proud of you for wanting to get things for yourself. It’s important to learn new things.” I’d even go so far as to be very specific and say, “You want to get a cup down all by yourself. That’s great.”

Knowing that you can’t explain the logic behind the danger of broken glass, you need to shift his attention. I recommend offering a choice where both outcomes are what you want. Grab two plastic cups and put them in the cupboard. Say to him, “Which cup are you going to get down all by yourself? The blue one or the orange one?” Chances are good he’ll pick one. Then, lift him so he can open the cupboard door himself and take out the cup. Disaster averted.

Maybe he refuses the plastic cups. He insists that he must drink out of a glass cup just like you. After all, kids model their moms and dads. They want to do what we do. How do you handle this?

One example would be to use humor as a distraction. First, you’d establish that Michael wants to drink out of the glass cup and NOT the plastic cup. As long as you’re OK with him drinking out of a glass cup, you probably want to get it down for him.

You take down the cup without giving him a chance to object, but you immediately implement humor. Hold the glass over one eye, looking through the bottom. Start making pirate noises and pretending it’s a telescope. “Arggg … I see you down there and I’m coming to get you!” Said in a humorous way, this will almost always burst your youngster into giggles. Next thing you know, he’s completely forgotten about wanting to get the cup down for himself. You’d still want to tell him that you are proud of him for drinking so neatly all by himself.

The worst case scenario is that none of this will work, and you’ll have to fall back on basic training. You go back to offering him a choice. He can either have you take down the glass cup, or he can take down the plastic cup. You stay calm and unemotional. You make it clear that these are his choices and it’s up to him to decide. If he doesn’t decide, he doesn’t drink. And if he throws a tantrum, you may simply have to leave the room and let him know that you’ll come back after he calms down.

Just remember that if you yell right back at your youngster, you are NOT in his head. You’re on the outside. You are raising the stress levels and throwing away your opportunity to either enjoy your youngster in the moment, or train him to understand a basic household rule. You don’t want that.

Talking to Toddlers: Dealing with the Terrible Twos and Beyond

New Teenage Drivers: Tips for Parents

Learning to drive can be nerve-wracking for adolescents and moms and dads. It's likely to be your first experience putting your safety and auto investment in your adolescent's hands. And since you know all the risks of the road, this can be pretty scary.

Moms and dads play an important role in helping adolescents practice their driving skills and develop confidence behind the wheel. To help prepare for this critical time in your adolescent's life, it may help to refresh your driving knowledge by attending a basic defensive driving course. You'd be surprised to learn how much has changed since you learned to drive.

When it comes to driving, experience is an important teacher. The more time teen drivers spend honing a variety of skills in different road and weather conditions, the more calm and confident they will feel and the better they'll be able to react to challenging situations.

Before each practice session, plan the specific skills you want to go over. If possible, make your lessons coincide with what your adolescent is learning in driver's education at school. Consider your adolescent's temperament — and your own. If the lessons are too long, nerves might get frayed and it may be difficult to stay calm.

An empty parking lot is an ideal place for adolescents to:

• get a feel for how the car handles
• learn the location of some of the basic controls, like windshield wipers, defroster, and lights
• practice simple car control skills like turning and braking

After practicing the basics of moving in drive and reverse, try to work on these skills on quiet back roads, where there's little traffic:

• coming to a full stop at a stop sign
• keeping a constant speed when going uphill
• keeping a safe following distance
• making a left turn on a two-way road
• navigating around pedestrians, animals, bikers, and runners
• practicing an aggressive visual search (looking for potential road hazards)
• recognizing and understanding street signs
• slowing down around curves
• understanding the rules of a four-way stop

Once adolescents have mastered those basic skills, they should get some practice driving on bigger, busier roads and highways. On these roads, you can help your adolescent practice:

• approaching, slowing down, and stopping at traffic lights/intersections — green, yellow, and red
• changing lanes
• maintaining a safe speed based on road conditions
• making a left on a green yield
• merging into traffic
• understanding the different lanes — like not going below the speed limit in the left lane
• using on and off ramps at appropriate speeds

Adolescent drivers should learn to anticipate and watch for potential problems from other drivers — always expecting the other driver to do something that will put them at greatest risk. For instance, when approaching a stop sign, they should watch for other cars coming from different directions that may not stop. In traffic, encourage your adolescent to watch for cars that suddenly switch lanes without signaling or pull out in front.

New teen drivers often have trouble anticipating the actions of other vehicles, accurately sensing how much speed and space certain situations require, and effectively recognizing high risk traffic situations. These are skills that drivers develop with experience and time.

Once comfortable with these skills, have your adolescent practice driving in different conditions such as:

• Construction/roadwork: Construction zones have many signs and congestion that are good learning points for any new driver.
• Dusk and dawn: Glare from the sun makes it difficult for drivers to see.
• Nighttime: Reduced visibility means greater risk that can lead to a collision.
• Rain and snow: Practicing on slick pavement gives adolescents a chance to find the right speed for the conditions and helps demonstrate how traction is reduced.

After plenty of practice, give your adolescent a chance to drive with more passengers in the car. Begin with family members or close friends who your adolescent is comfortable driving with and you're comfortable coaching around.

Before your first driving session with your adolescent, sit down together and discuss your expectations, including the skills you'd like to practice and how long it will take.

Once the lesson begins, remember that the goal is for your adolescent to get comfortable, confident, and safe behind the wheel. Becoming a skilled driver takes time and experience, so it's important to be patient and:

• Keep it simple. Practice skills one at a time. In basketball, an individual can't learn to shoot, defend, pass, and dribble all at once, and the same goes for driving skills. Remember that it can be hard for new teen drivers to process multiple things at once while trying to drive — it can even be a distraction.

• Provide some warm-up time. First practice in safe areas, away from other cars, with low stress and risk. Then, as you get more comfortable with one another, you'll be ready to take on bigger challenges, like the open road and the highway.

• Turn mistakes into lessons. When a mistake happens, have your adolescent pull over, if possible, so you can talk calmly about what went wrong and how to avoid repeats.

As long as you are alert and attentive while your rookie driver is at the wheel, you should be prepared to help with any situation that may arise.

A simple tutorial about the basics of car maintenance, like changing a tire, is important for a new driver. So show your teenager where the spare tire, lug wrench, and other equipment is kept and how to use it.

Other emergency and maintenance necessities to go over include:

• checking the oil
• jump-starting a car
• maintaining proper air pressure in the tires
• pumping and paying for gas

Approaching driver training with an open mind, a positive attitude, and patience will give your adolescent the best foundation for becoming a skilled and safe driver.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents with Defiant Teens