Giving Up Your Parental Rights

"What is involved in giving up one’s parental rights?"

Any parent can choose to give up his/her parental rights as long as another person, such as the youngster's other parent or an adoptive guardian, is willing to take responsibility for the youngster. By relinquishing parental rights, the parent is usually relieved from any obligation to his/her biological youngster.

Biological parents might choose to give up (relinquish) parental rights in a number of situations. For example:

1. If a couple decides to place a baby for adoption, a court will first need to terminate the parental rights of both biological parents before an adoption can be finalized.
2. If a woman remarries and wants her new husband to adopt her youngster from the previous relationship, the biological father might chose to relinquish his parental rights.
3. Some parents choose not to be involved in the lives of their kids. By giving up parental rights, they can be absolved of responsibility for providing financial support for the kids.

In most cases, when a parent chooses to give up parental rights, he/she is completely released from any obligation to care for his/her biological youngster. Under the eyes of the law, the biological parent and youngster are not related. The youngster may not inherit under the parent’s will as one of his/her kids, and the parent has no obligation whatsoever to care for the youngster.

A parent’s rights must always be terminated by a judge. A parent can sign a paper stating the desire to give up parental rights. A court can involuntarily terminate a parent’s rights, such as in the case of youngster abuse. Some states have a putative father registry in place. This presumes that an unmarried man consents to giving up his parental rights so the baby can be placed for adoption. That holds true unless the father registers with the state after having sex with a woman who is not his wife.

The time frame for giving up parental rights varies. If a parent signs a document stating the desire to terminate parental rights, then this will happen whenever he/she can get a court date before a judge. In the case of giving up parental rights by default through a putative father registry, the state generally specifies how much time the father has to assert his parental rights after the baby is born. If the father does nothing, a judge will terminate his parental rights after the specified time period has elapsed.

In some cases, a parent might continue to be held responsible for financially supporting the biological youngster even after he/she gives up paternal rights. For example, if the mother must seek governmental assistance in order to support the youngster, a judge has the authority to terminate parental rights. He can still require the father to pay youngster support until the youngster reaches adulthood. This results in the father still being financially responsible for the youngster without having any visitation rights or say in how the youngster is raised.

==> Join Online Parent Support 

Dealing with Tough Financial Times

A lot of U.S. families are having “financial woes” these days. More families are facing foreclosure on their mortgages …energy prices and grocery bills are all going up ...and uncertainty over when things will take a turn for the better is making everyone tighten-up their spending.

So how do moms and dads explain this “money crunch” to their fashion-conscious middle-school children as well as their teens with dreams of out-of-state college or a new car? Here are some tips that may help:

1. Be honest with your kids — but don't tell them more than they need to know. Avoid overloading older children with too many details or worries that might scare them. Stick to brief explanations and be clear about changes made to the family budget.

2. Encouraging children to find creative ways to save or make money not only helps them feel empowered — it helps them feel like they're doing their part to help out.

3. Even young children are “brand- and consumer-aware” these days, so don't expect them to volunteer to scale back on their treats or activities right away – but, if you want to encourage budgeting behavior, offer incentives to get children on board.

4. Explain the new rules and also new opportunities for earning privileges and treats. Make it fun. Challenge children to come up with family-friendly, cost-effective activities that everyone will enjoy.

5. Explore fun, low-cost activities. Challenge your family to create memories without visiting a mall or a store. Some ideas include:

• bike riding together
• concerts
• cultural
• free movie nights
• going to a park
• library events
• museums and other local art
• sporting events
• visiting yard sales

6. Family meetings are a great way to establish these new “spending rules,” even if they're temporary until family finances are in better shape.

7. Get children involved. Do children get an allowance they can save up? Can they earn money or points toward back-to-school items? Older children might look into helping pay for college by saving money or applying for scholarships, loans, or grants.

8. When money is tight, tell your youngster that you cannot buy new toys right now, but perhaps the toys can be put on a wish list for the next birthday, Christmas, Hanukkah, or other gift-giving occasion.

9. If you can afford something that your youngster wants, offer a small reward in exchange for good behavior or keeping the bedroom straight. Short-term rewards, such as stickers or tokens, can keep younger children motivated. Financial incentives can help older children earn money toward their goals while teaching them valuable lessons about saving.

10. It's hard to keep your cool when you're working hard to keep the family afloat, or stressed out because the bank has threatened foreclosure. Take a deep breath and stay calm. If necessary, tell your youngster that you'll talk about it later, then be sure to set aside time to do so.

11. Children may not be interested in the global economy or why money is tight, but they can be told that there is a limited amount of money in the family budget. Do not cave into their every whim, and instead encourage children to plan ahead for new purchases.

12. Knowing what you want to say, what changes will be made, and how those changes will affect each youngster can help make this a little easier.

13. Learn to say "no." Sometimes moms and dads say "yes" to their children before figuring out how they'll afford a new expense. Even if you agreed to something, you can explain that you made a mistake, and — in order to be a financially responsible family — everyone must forego certain treats for a while.

14. Manage stress levels. Get support — yours is not the only family going through hard times. Try joining a support group or other social network in your area. Support groups are offered through local hospitals, churches, synagogues, libraries, and schools. If you feel that stress or anxiety is really starting to take its toll, tell your doctor, who may be able to put you in touch with counselors or suggest therapeutic strategies — such as relaxation techniques, exercise, or yoga — that can help you feel better and learn to manage your stress.

15. Once you've had "the talk" about money matters with your children, keep a list posted — perhaps on the refrigerator door — of the new house rules so that everyone knows what is expected of them.

16. Preteens are old enough to save money from a weekly allowance or earn it by doing chores around the house, raking leaves, or shoveling snow around the neighborhood.

17. Remind yourself that it's OK to reject pleas and set limits. You're not depriving your kids — you're teaching them important lessons about delaying gratification, earning treats and rewards, and about family finances. After all, food and rent come before toys.

18. Through part-time jobs or regular babysitting, teens can earn money outside the home and cover many of their own expenses.

19. When talking to your children, let them know that they're not alone in their desires. Say how you feel when you see something that you want, but can't purchase it right away. Explain that everyone in the family has to cut down on spending — including you — and remind them that, if they're really motivated, there are ways to earn money and work toward the things they truly want.

20. There are a lot of fun things to do that don’t cost a dime (or no more than a few bucks). Here are some ideas for “family fun” on a budget:

• Bake bread

• Bake cookies or a cake

• Cook an ethnic dinner

• Do soap carving

• Go and visit grandparents

• Go bike riding together

• Go bowling

• Go camping

• Go fishing

• Go swimming

• Go to a movie together

• Go to the library

• Go wading in a creek

• Go window-shopping

• Have a bonfire

• Have a family meeting to discuss whatever

• Have a family picnic in the park. Let the kids help prepare the food -- make sandwiches, pack an ice chest, make cookies for dessert

• Have a late evening cookout

• Have a neighborhood barbeque

• Have a water balloon fight in the backyard

• Learn a new game

• Make candles

• Make caramel corn

• Make homemade ice cream

• Plan a vacation

• Plant a tree

• Play basketball

• Play cards

• Play Frisbee

• Put a puzzle together

• Roast marshmallows

• Share feelings

• Sit on the porch in lawn chairs and watch people and cars go by

• Take a hike through a state park

• Take a walk through the woods

• Take a walk through your neighborhood. Say hello to everyone you meet, whether you know them or not

• Take advantage of entertainment the schools have to offer (e.g., band concerts, school plays)

• Take family pictures

• Take flowers to a friend

• Try a walk in the rain

• Try stargazing

• Visit a college campus

• Visit a museum

• Visit a relative

• Visit different parks in town

• Visit the fire station

• Visit the neighbors

• Watch a television show together

• Work on a family scrapbook

• Write letters to friends

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Dealing With Difficult Toddler Behavior

Dealing with toddler behavior can be really stressful when you’re not sure how to handle it.

Every parent knows that so-called “bad behavior” starts with the “terrible twos” and often gets worse before it gets better. We’ll call them the “tortuous threes.”

Some important “toddler traits” include the following:

1. Toddlers are mobile and expressive. They know how to move (fast!) and they know how to express themselves with words and actions. They know how to ask for things. They know how to scream at you when you say “no”. But they pretty much lack any capability to use adult logic.
2. Toddlers want independence. Toddlers can tell you what they want to have, or what they want to do, they want to be allowed to have it (or do it). They want to push the boundaries and try new things. Yet too many moms and dads don’t realize this is how the youngster learns and gains confidence. If you keep your youngster boxed into a strict set of rules, you risk squashing their inner confidence and willingness to take chances.
3. Toddlers have short fuses. Most toddlers behave as if everything is the end of their little world. And it annoys the heck out of moms and dads! We just want them to understand that not everything is a big deal, but we get screaming fits and tantrums instead. The parent’s view of the world is in complete misalignment with the youngster’s view.
4. Toddlers have a short attention span. I think it’s fair to say that nearly all toddlers have short attention spans unless they are very engaged in some activity. When I say these kids have a short attention span I mean that they can be easily distracted from most oncoming tantrums that relate to things like, “Mommy I want that toy.”

Language is a great parenting tool. And since your toddler is now able to express himself much more clearly than a year ago, this is a great time to use language. The most important language tool is to do something I call “getting in their head.” If your youngster doesn’t feel like you understand him, or at least that you are trying to understand him, you’ll encounter a big wall of resistance. What happens next? Welcome to temper tantrum city.

You can enter your youngster’s head by simply telling your youngster what you know to be true about his situation. For example: “Michael, I know that you want to play over here with this toy.” Next you can build on this rapport with an amplification statement such as, “…and that sure does look like a really fun toy. I bet you really like the nice colors!”

Doing this is like magic. Please don’t overlook it as simplistic and childish. It’s supposed to be! You’re dealing with a toddler! You need to enter their world, and that’s how you do it. The moment you do, your youngster is calmer and open to distraction, suggestion, humor, or logical consequences (should you need them).

If you are butting heads with your toddler, always build rapport by getting in their head before you try to implement any kind of behavioral change tactic. Otherwise, I promise you that you’ll have a more stressful time and there will be more tears. You’re mission is to prevent that.

Say your toddler wants to get a glass out of the cupboard by himself. You can’t have him climbing up on the counter and risking a fall, or having a glass shatter in his face. So you say “no” and you do it for him. He doesn’t understand. He throws a fit. All of a sudden you’re sitting there wondering, “What’s wrong with his behavior?”

It all could have been prevented very easily. How? You first get in your youngster’s head with a comment like, “Michael, I’m really proud of you for wanting to get things for yourself. It’s important to learn new things.” I’d even go so far as to be very specific and say, “You want to get a cup down all by yourself. That’s great.”

Knowing that you can’t explain the logic behind the danger of broken glass, you need to shift his attention. I recommend offering a choice where both outcomes are what you want. Grab two plastic cups and put them in the cupboard. Say to him, “Which cup are you going to get down all by yourself? The blue one or the orange one?” Chances are good he’ll pick one. Then, lift him so he can open the cupboard door himself and take out the cup. Disaster averted.

Maybe he refuses the plastic cups. He insists that he must drink out of a glass cup just like you. After all, kids model their moms and dads. They want to do what we do. How do you handle this?

One example would be to use humor as a distraction. First, you’d establish that Michael wants to drink out of the glass cup and NOT the plastic cup. As long as you’re OK with him drinking out of a glass cup, you probably want to get it down for him.

You take down the cup without giving him a chance to object, but you immediately implement humor. Hold the glass over one eye, looking through the bottom. Start making pirate noises and pretending it’s a telescope. “Arggg … I see you down there and I’m coming to get you!” Said in a humorous way, this will almost always burst your youngster into giggles. Next thing you know, he’s completely forgotten about wanting to get the cup down for himself. You’d still want to tell him that you are proud of him for drinking so neatly all by himself.

The worst case scenario is that none of this will work, and you’ll have to fall back on basic training. You go back to offering him a choice. He can either have you take down the glass cup, or he can take down the plastic cup. You stay calm and unemotional. You make it clear that these are his choices and it’s up to him to decide. If he doesn’t decide, he doesn’t drink. And if he throws a tantrum, you may simply have to leave the room and let him know that you’ll come back after he calms down.

Just remember that if you yell right back at your youngster, you are NOT in his head. You’re on the outside. You are raising the stress levels and throwing away your opportunity to either enjoy your youngster in the moment, or train him to understand a basic household rule. You don’t want that.

Talking to Toddlers: Dealing with the Terrible Twos and Beyond

New Teenage Drivers: Tips for Parents

Learning to drive can be nerve-wracking for adolescents and moms and dads. It's likely to be your first experience putting your safety and auto investment in your adolescent's hands. And since you know all the risks of the road, this can be pretty scary.

Moms and dads play an important role in helping adolescents practice their driving skills and develop confidence behind the wheel. To help prepare for this critical time in your adolescent's life, it may help to refresh your driving knowledge by attending a basic defensive driving course. You'd be surprised to learn how much has changed since you learned to drive.

When it comes to driving, experience is an important teacher. The more time teen drivers spend honing a variety of skills in different road and weather conditions, the more calm and confident they will feel and the better they'll be able to react to challenging situations.

Before each practice session, plan the specific skills you want to go over. If possible, make your lessons coincide with what your adolescent is learning in driver's education at school. Consider your adolescent's temperament — and your own. If the lessons are too long, nerves might get frayed and it may be difficult to stay calm.

An empty parking lot is an ideal place for adolescents to:

• get a feel for how the car handles
• learn the location of some of the basic controls, like windshield wipers, defroster, and lights
• practice simple car control skills like turning and braking

After practicing the basics of moving in drive and reverse, try to work on these skills on quiet back roads, where there's little traffic:

• coming to a full stop at a stop sign
• keeping a constant speed when going uphill
• keeping a safe following distance
• making a left turn on a two-way road
• navigating around pedestrians, animals, bikers, and runners
• practicing an aggressive visual search (looking for potential road hazards)
• recognizing and understanding street signs
• slowing down around curves
• understanding the rules of a four-way stop

Once adolescents have mastered those basic skills, they should get some practice driving on bigger, busier roads and highways. On these roads, you can help your adolescent practice:

• approaching, slowing down, and stopping at traffic lights/intersections — green, yellow, and red
• changing lanes
• maintaining a safe speed based on road conditions
• making a left on a green yield
• merging into traffic
• understanding the different lanes — like not going below the speed limit in the left lane
• using on and off ramps at appropriate speeds

Adolescent drivers should learn to anticipate and watch for potential problems from other drivers — always expecting the other driver to do something that will put them at greatest risk. For instance, when approaching a stop sign, they should watch for other cars coming from different directions that may not stop. In traffic, encourage your adolescent to watch for cars that suddenly switch lanes without signaling or pull out in front.

New teen drivers often have trouble anticipating the actions of other vehicles, accurately sensing how much speed and space certain situations require, and effectively recognizing high risk traffic situations. These are skills that drivers develop with experience and time.

Once comfortable with these skills, have your adolescent practice driving in different conditions such as:

• Construction/roadwork: Construction zones have many signs and congestion that are good learning points for any new driver.
• Dusk and dawn: Glare from the sun makes it difficult for drivers to see.
• Nighttime: Reduced visibility means greater risk that can lead to a collision.
• Rain and snow: Practicing on slick pavement gives adolescents a chance to find the right speed for the conditions and helps demonstrate how traction is reduced.

After plenty of practice, give your adolescent a chance to drive with more passengers in the car. Begin with family members or close friends who your adolescent is comfortable driving with and you're comfortable coaching around.

Before your first driving session with your adolescent, sit down together and discuss your expectations, including the skills you'd like to practice and how long it will take.

Once the lesson begins, remember that the goal is for your adolescent to get comfortable, confident, and safe behind the wheel. Becoming a skilled driver takes time and experience, so it's important to be patient and:

• Keep it simple. Practice skills one at a time. In basketball, an individual can't learn to shoot, defend, pass, and dribble all at once, and the same goes for driving skills. Remember that it can be hard for new teen drivers to process multiple things at once while trying to drive — it can even be a distraction.

• Provide some warm-up time. First practice in safe areas, away from other cars, with low stress and risk. Then, as you get more comfortable with one another, you'll be ready to take on bigger challenges, like the open road and the highway.

• Turn mistakes into lessons. When a mistake happens, have your adolescent pull over, if possible, so you can talk calmly about what went wrong and how to avoid repeats.

As long as you are alert and attentive while your rookie driver is at the wheel, you should be prepared to help with any situation that may arise.

A simple tutorial about the basics of car maintenance, like changing a tire, is important for a new driver. So show your teenager where the spare tire, lug wrench, and other equipment is kept and how to use it.

Other emergency and maintenance necessities to go over include:

• checking the oil
• jump-starting a car
• maintaining proper air pressure in the tires
• pumping and paying for gas

Approaching driver training with an open mind, a positive attitude, and patience will give your adolescent the best foundation for becoming a skilled and safe driver.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents with Defiant Teens

Highly Effective Parenting Methods for Preteens

Staying connected as children approach the adolescent years and become more independent may become a challenge for moms and dads, but it's as important as ever — if not more so now. While activities at school, new interests, and a growing social life become more important to growing children, moms and dads are still the anchors, providing love, guidance, and support. And that connection provides a sense of security and helps build the resilience children needs to roll with life's ups and downs.

Your 12-year-old may act as if your guidance isn't welcome or needed, and even seem embarrassed by you at times. This is when children start to confide more in peers and request their space and privacy — expect the bedroom door to be shut more often. As difficult as it may be to swallow these changes, try not to take them personally. They're all signs of growing independence. You're going to have to loosen the ties and allow some growing room. But you don't have to let go entirely. You're still a powerful influence — it's just that your preteen may be more responsive to the example you set rather than the instructions you give. So practice what you'd like to preach, just preach it a little less for now.

Modeling the qualities that you want your 12-year-old to learn and practice — respectful communication, kindness, healthy eating, and fulfilling everyday responsibilities without complaining — makes it more likely that your child will comply. Small, simple things can reinforce connection. Make room in your schedule for special times, take advantage of the routines you already share, and show that you care.

Here are some tips for parenting preteens:

1. Your youngster may not need to be tucked in anymore, but maintaining a consistent bedtime routine helps preteens get the sleep needed to grow healthy and strong. So work in some winding-down time together before the lights go out. Read together. Go over the highlights of the day and talk about tomorrow. And even if your 12-year-old has outgrown the tuck-in routine, there's still a place for a goodnight kiss or hug. If it's shrugged off, try a gentle hand on the shoulder or back as you wish your youngster a good night's sleep.

2. Make a tradition out of celebrating family milestones beyond birthdays and holidays. Marking smaller occasions like a good report card or a winning soccer game helps reinforce family bonds.

3. It may seem like drudgery to prepare a meal, particularly after a long day. But a shared family meal provides valuable together time. So schedule it and organize it just as you would any other activity. Even if you have to pick up something pre-made, sit down together to eat it. Turn off the TV and try to tune out the ringing phone. If it's impossible to do every night, schedule a regular weekly family dinner night that accommodates children' schedules. Make it something fun, and get everyone involved in the preparation and the cleanup. Sharing an activity helps build closeness and connection, and everyone pitching in reinforces a sense of responsibility and teamwork.

4. Find little things that let you just hang out together. Invite your “soon-to-be-a-teenager” to come with you to walk the dog. Invite yourself along on his or her run. Washing the car, baking cookies, renting movies, watching a favorite TV show — all are opportunities to enjoy each other's company. And they're chances for children to talk about what's on their mind. Even riding in the car is an opportunity to connect. When you're driving, your preteen may be more inclined to mention a troubling issue. Since you're focused on the road, he or she doesn't have to make eye contact, which can ease any discomfort about opening up.

5. Don't underestimate the value of saying and showing how much you love your 12-year-old. Doing so ensures that children feel secure and loved. And you're demonstrating healthy ways to show affection. Still, preteens may start to feel self-conscious about big displays of affection from moms and dads, especially in public. They may pull away from your hug and kiss, but it's not about you. Just reserve this type of affection for times when friends aren't around. And in public, find other ways to show that you care. A smile or a wave can convey a warm send-off while respecting boundaries. Recognize out loud your youngster's wonderful qualities and developing skills when you see them. You might say, "That's a beautiful drawing — you're really very artistic" or "You were great at baseball practice today — I loved watching you out there."

6. Stay interested and curious about your child’s ideas, feelings, and experiences. If you listen to what he or she is saying, you'll get a better sense of the guidance, perspective, and support needed. And responding in a nonjudgmental way means your youngster will be more likely to come to you anytime tough issues arise.

7. Stay involved in your child’s expanding pursuits. Getting involved gives you more time together and shared experiences. You don't have to be the Scout leader, homeroom mom, or soccer coach to be involved. And your youngster may want to do more activities where you're not in charge. That's OK. Go to games and practices when you can; when you can't, ask how things went and listen attentively. Help children talk through the disappointments, and try to be sympathetic about the missed fly ball that won the game for the other team. Your attitude about setbacks will teach your 12-year-old to accept and feel OK about them, and to summon the courage to try again.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Giving Children An Allowance: Tips for Parents

An allowance can be a great way to teach children money management skills and help them learn how to make decisions, deal with limited resources, and understand the benefits of saving and charitable giving.

There's no single correct way to handle giving an allowance. Deciding when to start, how much to give, and whether you want to link the allowance to chores are choices that should fit your family. Also, no particular age is best for every kid, but you may want to consider starting an allowance by the time a youngster is 10 years old. By then, most children have had experience making thoughtful spending decisions but still look to moms and dads for guidance.

How much allowance should you give?

It depends on your financial situation and what kind of commitment you feel that you can comfortably keep. Experts generally recommend that children get no more than $2 per week for every year of their age (e.g., maximum of $20 per week for a 10-year-old). Regardless of how much you choose, give the allowance regularly and increase the amount as your youngster gets older.

Should an allowance be tied to chores?

Again, it's a personal choice. Some experts think that it's important to make this connection so that children learn the relationship between work and pay. Others say that children should have a responsibility to help with housework, above and beyond any financial incentive. Ultimately, you must decide what works best for you. Whatever you decide, be sure that all parties understand the arrangement.

If you give an allowance for doing housework, make sure that your children understand what their responsibilities are and the consequences of not doing them. You might want to involve them in choosing the chores and then keep a chart posted to remind them what needs to be done. It's important to be consistent. Following through on your promise to give a regular allowance sets a good example for your children and is incentive for them to honor their end of the bargain. If you don't keep up with the allowance, they might lose that incentive and stop doing the chores.

How should children spend their allowance?

It's good to have them use it for discretionary things, not essential purchases such as food or clothing. This lets children make buying decisions — and mistakes — without dire consequences. You might want to encourage children to put away a portion for charity and another portion for savings. If so, let them choose where to donate the money. It may be a cause that a youngster can relate to in some way, like an animal shelter or a group that helps sick children. If some of the allowance goes to savings, consider setting up an account at a local bank. This way, your youngster can keep track of the money. 

Many banks offer special bank accounts for children, and yours may enjoy the experience of getting mail, even if the mail is a bank statement. Once children become teenagers, you might want to provide a quarterly clothing allowance in addition to the weekly allowance. If you do, establish a reasonable budget and allow your children to spend it as they wish — but also to honor its limits. If your son chooses to buy a $90 shirt or your daughter opts for a pricey handbag, for example, they might have to make compromises on other clothing choices.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Advice for Step-Parents

Becoming a parent by blending families or marrying someone with children can be a rewarding and fulfilling experience.

If you've never had children, you'll get the opportunity to share your life with a child and help to shape his/her character. If you have children, you'll offer them more opportunities to build relationships and establish a special bond that only siblings can have.

In some cases, your new family members may get along without a hitch, but other times you can expect difficulties along the way. Figuring out your role as a parent — aside from the day-to-day responsibilities that come with it — also may lead to confusion or even conflict between you and your partner, your partner's ex-wife or ex-husband, and their children.

While there is no foolproof formula for creating the "perfect" family, it's important to approach this new situation with patience and understanding for the feelings of those involved. The initial role of a step-parent is that of another caring grown-up in a youngster's life, similar to a loving family member or mentor. You may desire a closer bond right away, and might wonder what you're doing wrong if your new stepson/daughter doesn't warm up to you or your children as quickly as you'd like — but relationships need time to grow.

Start out slow and try not to rush into things. Let things develop naturally — children can tell when grown-ups are being fake or insincere. Over time, you can develop a deeper, more meaningful relationship with your stepson/daughter, which doesn't necessarily have to resemble the one they share with their birth moms and dads.

Kids who are mourning the loss of a deceased parent or the separation or divorce of their birth moms and dads may need time to heal before they can fully accept you as a new parent. For those whose birth moms and dads are still alive, remarriage may mean the end of hope that their moms and dads will reunite. Even if it has been several years since the separation, children often hang onto that hope for a long time. From the children' perspective, this reality can make them feel angry, hurt, and confused.

Other factors that may affect the transition into step-parenting:

• How well the parent you marry gets along with the ex-spouse. This is a critical factor. Minimal conflict and open communication between ex-partners can make a big difference regarding how easily children accept you as their step-parent. It's much easier for children to transition to new living arrangements when grown-ups keep negative comments out of earshot.

• How old the children are. When it comes to adjusting and forming new relationships, younger children generally have an easier time than older children.

• How much time the children spend with you. Trying to bond with children every other weekend — when they want quality time with a birth parent they don't see as often as they'd like — can be a difficult way to make friends with your new stepchildren. Remember to put their needs first: If children want time with their birth parent, they should get it. So sometimes making yourself scarce can help smooth the path to a better relationship in the long run.

• How long you've known them. Usually, the longer you know the children, the better the relationship. There are exceptions (e.g., if you were friends with the moms and dads before they separated and are blamed for the break-up), but in most cases having a history together makes the transition a little smoother.

• How long you dated the parent before marriage. Again, there are exceptions but typically if you don't rush into the relationship with the grown-up, children have a good sense that you are in this for the long haul.

Knowing ahead of time what situations may become problematic as you bring new family members together can help you prepare so that, if complications arise, you can handle them with an extra dose of patience and grace.

All moms and dads face difficulties now and then. But when you're a step-parent, those obstacles are compounded by the fact that you are not the birth parent — this can open up power struggles within the family, whether it's from the children, your partner's ex, or even your partner.

When times get tough, however, putting children' needs first can help you make good decisions. Here's how:

1. Create new family traditions. Find special activities to do with your stepchildren, but be sure to get their feedback. Some new family traditions could include board game nights, bike riding together, cooking, doing crafts, or even playing quick word games in the car. The key is to have fun together, not to try to win their love — children are smart and will quickly figure out if you're trying to force a relationship.

2. Don't use children as messengers or go-betweens. Try not to question children about what's happening in the other household — they'll resent it when they feel that they're being asked to "spy" on another parent. Wherever possible, communicate directly with the other parent about relevant matters, such as scheduling, visitation, health issues, or school problems. Online custody calendars make this process a little easier because moms and dads can note visitation days and share this information with each other via the Internet.

3. House rules matter. Keep your house rules as consistent as possible for all children, whether they're your children from a previous relationship, your partner's children from a previous relationship, or new kids you have had together. Kids and adolescents will have different rules, but they should be consistently applied at all times. This helps children adjust to transitions, like moving to a new house or welcoming a new baby, and helps them feel that all children in your home are treated equally. If children are dealing with two very different sets of rules in each home, it may be time for an grown-ups-only family meeting — otherwise children can learn to "work the system" for short-term gain but long-term problems.

4. Put needs, not wants, first. Children need love, affection, and consistent rules above all else. Giving them toys or treats, especially if they're not earned with good grades or behavior, can lead to a situation where you feel like you're trading gifts for love. Similarly, if you feel guilty for treating your biological children differently from your step kids, don't buy gifts to make up for it. Do you best to figure out how to treat them more equally.

5. Respect all moms and dads. When a partner's ex is deceased, it's important to be sensitive to and honor that person. If you and your partner share custody with the birth parent, try to be courteous and compassionate in your interactions with each other. Never say negative things about the birth parent in front of the children. Doing so often backfires and children get angry with the parent making the remarks. No youngster likes to hear their moms and dads criticized, even if he or she is complaining about them to you.

6. Talk to your partner or spouse. Communication between you and your partner is important so that you can make parenting decisions together. This is especially crucial if you each have different notions on parenting and discipline. If you're new to parenting as a step-parent, ask your partner what would be the best way to get to know the children. Use resources to find out what children of different ages are interested in — and don't forget to ask them.

No matter what the circumstances of your new family, chances are there'll be some bumps along the way. But don't give up trying to make things work — even if things started off a little rocky, they still can (and probably will) improve as you and your new family members get to know each other better.

==> Help for Parents and Step-Parents Who Are At Their Wits-end