Daughter gets upset or angry about the littlest things...

Question

My daughter is 17 and gets upset or angry about the littlest things, especially with her 15 year old sister. Yesterday, it was because her sister, Kami, left her makeup in the car. Kylie was in the back seat and her sister was in the front. After Kylie got mad that she had to sit in the back, she starting yelling because Kami had left some of her makeup and an eyelash curler in the backseat. Another time recently, we were at our cabin at the lake and the day we were leaving, Kylie accused Kami of having on her shirt. They have the same shirt and Kami and I both thought it was hers. I sometimes put their initials on the tag of the clothes so I can tell who it belongs to when I'm doing laundry. I looked at the tag and told Kylie her initials were not on the tag. Kylie said she didn't believe me and grabbed Kami's shirt (halfway strangling her) and looked at the tag. Kylie's initials were on the underside of the tag. Kylie started screaming at Kami that she was a liar and a thief and she hated people who lied and stole. Kami said she really thought it was her shirt and didn't have anything to wear home and could she please borrow it. Kylie wouldn't let her and so I finally told Kami to take it off and she could wear one of my shirts home, which was way too big. It's really hard to go on vacation with Kylie because if she's not mad, she complains an awful lot. We tell her we're not going if she complains the whole time and she says she won't but usually does anyway. Any suggestions?

Answer

The behavior you described (e.g., “gets upset or angry about the littlest things”) sounds mostly like a teenager who is somewhat depressed. One key indicator of teen depression is bad mood swings and occasional melancholy.

The teen years are tough, but most adolescents balance the requisite angst with good friendships, success in school or outside activities, and the development of a strong sense of self. Occasional bad moods or acting out is to be expected, but depression is a bit more serious. Depression strikes adolescents (especially females) far more often than most people think. And although depression is highly treatable, experts say only 20% of depressed adolescents ever receive help.

Unlike grown-ups who have the ability to seek assistance on their own, adolescents usually must rely on moms and dads, educators, or other caregivers to recognize their suffering and get them the treatment they need. So, it will be important for you to learn what teen depression looks like and what to do if you spot the warning signs.

Adolescents face a host of pressures, from the changes of puberty to questions about who they are and where they fit in. The natural transition from childhood to adulthood can also bring parental conflict as adolescents start to assert their independence. With all this drama, it isn’t always easy to differentiate between depression and normal teenage moodiness.

Making things even more complicated, adolescents with depression do not necessarily appear sad, nor do they always withdraw from others. For some depressed adolescents, symptoms of irritability, aggression, and rage are more prominent.

Here are some tips to help:

1. The first thing you should do is to talk to your daughter about it (during a time when she is calm and somewhat rational). In a loving and non-judgmental way, share your concerns with your daughter. Let her know what specific signs of depression you’ve noticed and why they worry you. Then encourage her to open up about what she is going through.

2. Don’t give up if she shuts you out at first. Talking about depression can be very tough for adolescents. Be respectful of your daughter’s comfort level while still emphasizing your concern and willingness to listen.

3. Don’t try to talk her out of her depression, even if her feelings or concerns appear silly or irrational to you. Simply acknowledge the pain and sadness she is feeling. If you don’t, she will feel like you don’t take her emotions seriously.

4. Encourage your daughter to stay active. Exercise can go a long way toward relieving the symptoms of depression and anxiety, so find ways to incorporate it into your daughter’s day. Something as simple as walking the dog or going on a bike ride can be beneficial.

5. If your daughter claims nothing is wrong, but has no explanation for what is causing this moody behavior, you should trust your instincts. Remember that denial is a strong emotion. Furthermore, adolescents may not believe that what they’re experiencing is the result of depression. If you see depression’s warning signs, seek professional help. Neither you nor your daughter is qualified to either diagnosis depression or rule it out, so see a doctor or psychologist who can.

6. Isolation only makes depression worse, so encourage your daughter to see friends and praise efforts to socialize. Offer to take your daughter out with friends or suggest social activities that might be of interest, such as sports, after-school clubs, or an art class.

7. Just like you would if your daughter had a disease you knew very little about, read up on teen depression so that you can be your own “expert.” The more you know, the better equipped you’ll be to help her. Encourage your daughter to learn more about depression as well. Reading up on their condition can help depressed adolescents realize that they’re not alone and give them a better understanding of what they’re going through.

8. Let your daughter know that you are there for her, fully and unconditionally. Hold back from asking a lot of questions (adolescents don’t like to feel patronized or crowded), but make it clear that you’re ready and willing to provide whatever support they need.

9. Living with a depressed teenager can be difficult and draining. At times, you may experience exhaustion, rejection, despair, aggravation, or any other number of negative emotions. During this trying time, it’s important to remember that your child is not being difficult on purpose. Your daughter is suffering, so do your best to be tolerant and understanding.

10. Track changes in your daughter’s condition, and call the doctor if depression symptoms seem to be getting worse.

11. Resist any urge to criticize or pass judgment once your daughter begins to talk. The important thing is that she is communicating. Avoid offering unsolicited advice or ultimatums as well.

12. Have plenty of patience. How? By taking care of your own mental health.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Adolescents and School Failure: Tips for Parents

Many adolescents experience a time when keeping up with school work is difficult. These periods may last several weeks and may include social problems as well as a slide in academic performance. Research suggests that problems are more likely to occur during a transitional year, such as moving from elementary to middle school, or middle school to high school.

Some teens are able to get through this time with minimal assistance from their parents or educators. It may be enough for a mother or father to be available simply to listen and suggest coping strategies, provide a supportive home environment, and encourage the youngster's participation in school activities. However, when the difficulties last longer than a single grading period, or are linked to a long-term pattern of poor school performance or behavior problems, parents and educators need to intervene.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Some risk factors (listed below) may represent persistent problems from the early elementary school years for some kids. Other children may overcome early difficulties but begin to experience related problems during middle school or high school. For others, some of these indicators may become noticeable only in early adolescence. To intervene effectively, parents and educators can be aware of some common indicators of a teen at risk for school failure, including:

• Absenteeism - the child is absent five or more days per term.
• Attention problems as a young student - the child has a school history of attention issues or disruptive behavior.
• Behavior problems - the child may be frequently disciplined or show a sudden change in school behavior, such as withdrawing from class discussions.
• Lack of confidence - the child believes that success is linked to native intelligence rather than hard work, and believes that his or her own ability is insufficient, and nothing can be done to change the situation.
• Lack of connection with the school - the child is not involved in sports, music, or other school-related extracurricular activities.
• Limited goals for the future - the child seems unaware of available career options or how to attain those goals.
• Multiple retentions in grade - the child has been retained one or more years.
• Poor grades - the child consistently performs at barely average or below average levels.

When more than one of these attributes characterizes a teen, he/she will likely need assistance from both parents and educators to complete his/her educational experience successfully. Girls, and children from culturally or linguistically diverse groups, may be especially at risk for academic failure if they exhibit these behaviors. Stepping back and letting these children "figure it out" or "take responsibility for their own learning" may lead to a deeper cycle of failure within the school environment.

In a recent survey, when children were asked to evaluate their transitional years, they indicated interest in connecting to their new school and requested more information about extracurricular activities, careers, class schedules, and study skills. Schools that develop programs that ease transitions for children and increase communication between schools may be able to reduce child failure rates.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Parenting style may have an impact on the youngster's school behavior. Many experts distinguish among permissive, authoritarian, and authoritative parenting styles. These parenting styles are associated with different combinations of warmth, support, and limit-setting and supervision for kids.

The permissive style tends to emphasize warmth and neglect limit-setting and supervision; the authoritarian style tends to emphasize the latter and not the former; while the authoritative style is one in which moms and dads offer warmth and support, and limit-setting and supervision. When the authoritative parenting style is used, the teen may be more likely to experience academic success.

It is important to remember that teens need their moms and dads not only to set appropriate expectations and boundaries, but also to advocate for them.

Parents and educators can help adolescents by:

1. Arranging tutoring or study group support for the adolescent from the school or the community through organizations such as the local YMCA or a local college or university
2. Attending school functions, such as sports, and plays
3. Emphasizing the importance of study skills, hard work, and follow-through
4. Encouraging the adolescent to participate in one or more school activities
5. Encouraging the adolescent to volunteer in the community or to participate in community groups such as the YMCA, Scouting, 4-H, religious organizations, or other service-oriented groups to provide an out-of-school support system
6. Helping the adolescent think about career options by arranging for visits to local companies and colleges, picking up information on careers and courses, and encouraging an internship or career-oriented part-time job
7. Making the time to listen to and try to understand the adolescent's fears or concerns
8. Meeting as a team, including parents, educators, and school counselor, asking how they can support the adolescent's learning environment, and sharing their expectations for the youngster's future
9. Providing a supportive home and school environment that clearly values education
10. Setting appropriate boundaries for behavior that are consistently enforced

Understanding the factors that may put a teen at-risk for academic failure will help moms and dads determine if their adolescent is in need of extra support. Above all, parents need to persevere. The adolescent years do pass, and most teens survive them, in spite of bumps along the way. Being aware of common problems can help moms and dads know when it is important to reach out and ask for help before a difficult time develops into a more serious situation.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Giving Up Your Parental Rights

"What is involved in giving up one’s parental rights?"

Any parent can choose to give up his/her parental rights as long as another person, such as the youngster's other parent or an adoptive guardian, is willing to take responsibility for the youngster. By relinquishing parental rights, the parent is usually relieved from any obligation to his/her biological youngster.

Biological parents might choose to give up (relinquish) parental rights in a number of situations. For example:

1. If a couple decides to place a baby for adoption, a court will first need to terminate the parental rights of both biological parents before an adoption can be finalized.
2. If a woman remarries and wants her new husband to adopt her youngster from the previous relationship, the biological father might chose to relinquish his parental rights.
3. Some parents choose not to be involved in the lives of their kids. By giving up parental rights, they can be absolved of responsibility for providing financial support for the kids.

In most cases, when a parent chooses to give up parental rights, he/she is completely released from any obligation to care for his/her biological youngster. Under the eyes of the law, the biological parent and youngster are not related. The youngster may not inherit under the parent’s will as one of his/her kids, and the parent has no obligation whatsoever to care for the youngster.

A parent’s rights must always be terminated by a judge. A parent can sign a paper stating the desire to give up parental rights. A court can involuntarily terminate a parent’s rights, such as in the case of youngster abuse. Some states have a putative father registry in place. This presumes that an unmarried man consents to giving up his parental rights so the baby can be placed for adoption. That holds true unless the father registers with the state after having sex with a woman who is not his wife.

The time frame for giving up parental rights varies. If a parent signs a document stating the desire to terminate parental rights, then this will happen whenever he/she can get a court date before a judge. In the case of giving up parental rights by default through a putative father registry, the state generally specifies how much time the father has to assert his parental rights after the baby is born. If the father does nothing, a judge will terminate his parental rights after the specified time period has elapsed.

In some cases, a parent might continue to be held responsible for financially supporting the biological youngster even after he/she gives up paternal rights. For example, if the mother must seek governmental assistance in order to support the youngster, a judge has the authority to terminate parental rights. He can still require the father to pay youngster support until the youngster reaches adulthood. This results in the father still being financially responsible for the youngster without having any visitation rights or say in how the youngster is raised.

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