Dealing With Your Teen Daughter’s Bad Attitude

My daughter is 15, almost 16 years old. I have been having problems with her for about 2-3 years now. I divorced her dad just prior to this new development and have since re-married to a man who is total the opposite of her dad. Her dad was always soft when it came to his children, he allowed her to disrespect him and he was easily able to be manipulated by her, so that she could do what she wanted when she was with him.

Over this summer we moved across the country from her dad, which she really did not care that much, since she really did not have a relationship with him. I believe the only thing she missing is being able to do what she wanted.

My current husband and I have tried over the past couple of years to make her respect us and be accountable for her actions. My daughter steals from her step-sister, steals batteries out of the remotes and has taken money out of our wallet. What she wants she will get by any means. We have not allowed her to watch TV during the week due to her failing three classes and have not allow any out of school activities until her grades come up.

She states she is tired of us and her teachers nagging her and will not take responsibility for her failing grades..."her teachers are mean". She tries to make deals with us and her teachers so that she can get her way and promises to get better. She has already stayed back one year in fourth grade making her 8th grade right now, she has been told by her teachers if she does not pick her grades up she will have to go to summer school and if she does not pass that she will be retained again, no exceptions.

She keeps making empty promises to shut us up and does not want to hear it from us or her teachers when she shows no improvement. Her teachers are just about ready to give up on her, she is disrespectful in class and only cares about socializing...mostly with boys. She is lazy, has to be constantly reminded to do chores, watches TV when she is not suppose to, doesn’t hand in assignments that we have pretty much forced her to do, doesn't complete class work and has no remorse when she is caught in lies which is often. She will deal with the consequences because it will eventually be over and never learns after her punishment.

We are at a total loss with her; she has been through counseling and currently under counseling...but nothing is getting through to her. Her response is to allow her to do things and she will get better, for us to get off her back and allow her to do more. I refuse to make a deal with her and told her that these things will happen once she shows improvement. She has been told that she needs to make the changes...and she feels we all need to change first.

What else is there to do? I can't afford boarding school, military school...private school won't take her because of her IEP. Help....Please

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If you are in the thick of a power struggle with your teenage daughter, you probably want her to listen to your speeches about having an appreciative attitude. Here’s the truth: That is not going to happen! No matter how great your argument is, you can’t force your daughter to think about the world the way that you do. You can’t make her have a “better” attitude.

Adolescents often have an apathetic attitude about anything other than what they want to do. When you focus on trying to change your daughter’s attitude, you are setting yourself up for failure. In order to feel effective and empowered in your role as a mother or father, you need to learn to ignore the apathetic, all-knowing attitude and focus on your daughter’s behavior. Let her know what is expected of her in your home, what your house-rules are, and what the consequences will be if she can’t figure out a way to comply with the house-rules and expectations.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents (who are at their wits end)

Dealing with Teen Girls and Their Bad Attitude: Tips for Parents

1. Check your own behavior. It’s really not a good idea to run a red light or to do one of those “rolling stops” at the stop sign. Even if you don’t get a ticket from a cop, your daughter may come to believe that there are two sets of rules – one for your family and one for the rest of the world. Remember, she is watching how you follow the rules and will most likely behave in a similar manner as she grows older.

2. Connect consequences to behavior. There is a way for you to get a better attitude from your daughter. But there is only one way to do it. You must make it perfectly, absolutely clear that what she does will determine what happens to her. No amount of nudging, cajoling, or, worst of all, threatening, will do a lick of good until you connect consequences to her behavior.

3. Don’t assume anything! Presuming that your daughter will understand the connection between behavior and consequences just by attending school or talking with her peers is risky business. You may get lucky and have a parent down the street who points out the behavior-consequence connection to your daughter, but most will not. Adults tend to be restrained about disciplining other people’s teenagers. So if you hear that your daughter acted up at her friend’s house or misbehaved in school, do something about it yourself. Sure, it may be double jeopardy, but you would rather have the idea securely instilled in your daughter than take the chance of it not becoming part of her personal value system.

4. Don’t make the mistake of trying to get your daughter to “want” to have good grades, or “want” to get a job. That’s probably not going to happen. You are not going to transform her attitude about the world, or her place in it. Rather, it's your responsibility as a mother or father to help her learn the skills she needs to make her way in the world.

5. Don’t take sassy comments personally. When teenagers sass their parents, they feel powerful and in control, even if it's only for a few minutes. It has little to do with “disrespect” and more to do with “having a sense of power.” The best way for parents to react to a sassy statement is not to get angry but to remind their teenager who they are. You might say something like, "You are really trying to hurt my feelings here. I don't understand it. You are a better person than that."

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents (who are at their wits end)

6. Don’t try to convince your daughter that you are right and she is wrong. Don’t try to get her to stop resisting and start being “realistic.” Instead, focus on the behavior you would like to see change, and ignore the attitude. The happy byproduct of this approach is that she eventually develops a better attitude (which is what you want). Focus on the behavior now, and the attitude will improve later. Fair enough?

7. Focus on getting your daughter to meet her responsibilities in the here and now (e.g., homework, chores, curfew, etc.). Once she leaves your house, she is free to use the skills you’ve helped her learn—or not.

8. It’s never too soon or too late. If babies can make the connection between what they do and what they get (which they do!), then your 15-year-old daughter can surely understand the concept also. Don’t give up on your daughter – even if she professes to “forget” or to “just not get it,” don’t buy into that. She’ll figure it out quickly if there is something in it for her.

9. Take advantage of teachable moments. Although you don’t need to go on and on about the behavior-consequence connection, if you see an opportunity (and there’s probably at least one each day), bring it to your daughter’s attention. This doesn’t mean that you’re constantly criticizing her. You’re just teaching her that, for example, making fun of her friend may lead to retaliation or at least a lessened friendship, or that getting a speeding ticket on her record will mean higher insurance premiums for years to come.

10. Teen girls may communicate in action rather than word when they are frustrated. If your daughter comes in and throws down her backpack, it might be her way of saying, "I have such a heavy load to carry" (her backpack is a metaphor for her life). If the backpack lands on the ground, mom shouldn't scream: "Don't leave your backpack in the doorway." Instead, she might say in a matter-of-fact voice, "Looks like you have a heavy load. Let's put it in your room."

11. Watch out for feelings of entitlement. Be careful that your daughter does not take everything for granted — make her work for her allowance and privileges so that she sees that effort leads to results! If she complains that it’s unfair that she has to work more than their friends, call a family meeting to discuss why you are making such point about the behavior-consequence connection and why living it is so important to your family.

12. When parents make mistakes (which they do!), they have to be grown-up enough to say "I'm sorry." If a parent shows his teen daughter more kindness, respect and thoughtfulness, his daughter will be a lot less surly …she won’t feel like she has to put up a fence (or brick wall) so often.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents (who are at their wits end)

Keeping Your Teen Away From Gangs

Gang violence in schools has become so prevalent that schools now have special police officers assigned to deal with it. Being aware of gang involvement or gang intimidation is necessary to keep your adolescent safe and involved with peers who are positive influences. Adolescents looking for acceptance will often look for negative attention just as readily as they seek positive attention.

Adolescents often want to join a gang because of certain issues (e.g., racism, poverty, loneliness, media influences, etc.). Sometimes, they might be tempted to join a gang because they were not closely moderated by their parents and feel that they have the freedom to do the unlawful things gangs commit. In any event, here is how you can prevent your adolescent from joining a gang.

Tips for Parents—

1. Be a positive influence for your adolescent. Providing a strong parental role model is considered the best way to help your adolescent through difficult situations.

2. Promote positive alternatives such as sports, music or drama programs for after school and on weekends.

3. Encourage your adolescent to create a positive relationship with a trusted adult at his school. Make sure he knows there is someone at school he can go to if he is being intimidated by gang members.

4. Enroll your adolescent in conflict resolution classes if they are offered in your community. Contact your local police department gang unit for more information on how to deal with gangs.

5. Gang involvement almost always includes drug or alcohol abuse. Be prepared to test your adolescent for drug use if you suspect there is a problem. At-home drug-testing kits can be purchased from your local drugstore.

6. Give as much attention as possible to your adolescent. Gang involvement sometimes starts because adolescents aren't getting the attention they need at home. Be your adolescent's biggest fan! If your adolescent feels supported, valued and respected in his house, he may be less likely to try and meet those emotional needs elsewhere.

7. Help your adolescent focus on his goals for the future. Ask him to think about the bigger picture. This is especially important to focus on until adolescents can set strong future plans for themselves.

8. Inspire your adolescent to finish school. Young people who successfully participate and complete education have the greatest opportunity to develop into reasonable adults.

9. Keep your youngster from doing unlawful things before they become used to committing bad actions. It can be difficult to change a youngster's mind, so this is a very important step.

10. Provide strong and loving family support for your adolescent so that he or she will not be forced to search for basic needs from a gang.

11. Set an appointment to meet with the school principal or vice principal immediately. Sometimes school authorities are unaware of a volatile situation until it's too late.

12. Talk with other parents about keeping your community free of gangs.

13. Tell your adolescent to avoid gang members. If your adolescent feels intimidated, let him know that it is okay to walk or run away from these gangs.

14. Treat the problem seriously. If your adolescent is fearful of someone at school, contact school authorities or the police to deal with the situation immediately. Keeping your adolescent out of danger is your first priority.

15. Work with police and other agencies. Report all suspicious activities.

Tips for Teens—

1. Accept responsibility. Do your part to make your school safe by following all school rules, including behavior codes, dress codes, and safety rules.

2. Do not join gangs, hang out with gang members, wear gang colors or gang-type clothing, or use gang symbols or hand signs. This is a problem of image. If you look like a gang member or are seen with a gang member, rival gangs cannot tell the difference between you and the real gang member. You have a very good chance of being the innocent target of violent gang behavior.

3. Encourage your mother and/or father to become involved in your school by asking them to visit the school, meet your teachers and other school staff, and help with school activities. Take all school handouts, notices, and publications home to keep your parents informed of opportunities to be involved.

4. Never carry a weapon of any kind to school. The risk of harm to yourself and your classmates is too great. Any instrument used to attack another person can be considered a weapon, but firearms pose the greatest risk, multiplying the potential for serious injury and death.

5. Report to your parents and school authorities any incidents of crime and violence such as weapons at school, theft, attacks on people or property, and any kind of bullying or harassment. Telling is not tattling--it is one of the most effective ways to reduce crime and violence on your campus and in the community.

6. Talk and watch carefully. Travel with a group or with friends to and from school and school activities. Always be aware of your surroundings.

7. Work with your classmates to develop a school survey of student attitudes about drugs, crime, violence, and fear. Find out where and when crime, violence, or intimidation usually occurs on your campus.

8. Report your findings to the school administrators. Work with school staff, your parents, and other students to develop and put into practice at your school the following programs, if your school does not already have them:

• A conflict mediation program designed to help students settle disputes and to diffuse potential fight situations.
• A Crime Stoppers program for reporting campus crime. Call 800-245-0009 for more information.
• A peer assistance program to help teach students how to be good peer helpers and to help welcome and integrate new students into the student body.
• A student-initiated program that empowers students to take positive action to prevent school violence.
• A WeTip program, which is a national, toll-free hotline (800-78-CRIME; 800-782-7463) that receives information regarding gang violence or any major crime.
• An overall school safety plan that includes behavior codes that are publicized widely to students and parents.

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Children and Television Addiction

Most children plug into the world of television long before they enter school. According to the research:

• children and teens 8 to 18 years spend nearly 4 hours a day in front of a television screen and almost 2 additional hours on the computer (outside of schoolwork) and playing video games
• children under age 6 watch an average of about 2 hours of screen media a day, primarily television and videos or DVDs
• two-thirds of infants and toddlers watch a screen an average of 2 hours a day

The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that children under 2 years old not watch any television and that those older than 2 watch no more than 1 to 2 hours a day of quality programming.

The first 2 years of life are considered a critical time for brain development. Television and other electronic media can get in the way of exploring, playing, and interacting with moms and dads and others, which encourages learning and healthy physical and social development.

As children get older, too much screen time can interfere with activities such as being physically active, reading, doing homework, playing with friends, and spending time with family.

Of course, television, in moderation, can be a good thing: Preschoolers can get help learning the alphabet on public television, grade-schoolers can learn about wildlife on nature shows, and moms and dads can keep up with current events on the evening news. No doubt about it — television can be an excellent educator and entertainer.

But despite its advantages, too much television can be detrimental:

• Television characters often depict risky behaviors, such as smoking and drinking, and also reinforce gender-role and racial stereotypes.

• Children who view violent acts are more likely to show aggressive behavior but also fear that the world is scary and that something bad will happen to them.

• Kids who consistently spend more than 4 hours per day watching television are more likely to be overweight.

Kid's advocates are divided when it comes to solutions. Although many urge for more hours per week of educational programming, others assert that no television is the best solution. And some say it's better for moms and dads to control the use of television and to teach children that it's for occasional entertainment, not for constant escapism.

That's why it's so important for you to monitor the content of television programming and set viewing limits to ensure that your children don't spend too much time watching television.

Television and Violence—

To give you perspective on just how much violence children see on television, consider this: The average American youngster will witness 200,000 violent acts on television by age 18. Children may become desensitized to violence and more aggressive. Television violence sometimes begs for imitation because violence is often promoted as a fun and effective way to get what you want.

Many violent acts are perpetrated by the "good guys," whom children have been taught to emulate. Even though children are taught by their moms and dads that it's not right to hit, television says it's OK to bite, hit, or kick if you're the good guy. This can lead to confusion when children try to understand the difference between right and wrong. And even the "bad guys" on television aren't always held responsible or punished for their actions.

Young children are particularly frightened by scary and violent images. Simply telling children that those images aren't real won't console them, because they can't yet distinguish between fantasy and reality. Behavior problems, nightmares and difficulty sleeping may be a consequence of exposure to media violence.

Older children can also be frightened by violent depictions, whether those images appear on fictional shows, the news, or reality-based shows. Reasoning with children this age will help them, so it's important to provide reassuring and honest information to help ease fears. However, consider not letting your children view programs that they may find frightening.

Television and Risky Behaviors—

Television is full of programs and commercials that depict risky behaviors such as sex and substance abuse as cool, fun, and exciting. And often, there's no discussion about the consequences of drinking alcohol, doing drugs, smoking cigarettes, and having premarital sex.

For example, studies have shown that teens who watch lots of sexual content on television are more likely to initiate intercourse or participate in other sexual activities earlier than peers who don't watch sexually explicit shows.

Alcohol ads on television have actually increased over the last few years and more underage children are being exposed to them than ever. A recent study by the Center on Alcohol Marketing and Youth (CAMY) found that youth exposure to alcohol ads on television increased by 30% from 2001 to 2006.

And although they've banned cigarette ads on television, children and teens can still see plenty of people smoking on programs and movies airing on television. This kind of "product placement" makes behaviors like smoking and drinking alcohol seem acceptable. In fact, children who watch 5 or more hours of television per day are far more likely to begin smoking cigarettes than those who watch less than the recommended 2 hours a day.

Television and the Obesity Factor—

Health experts have long linked excessive television-watching to obesity — a significant health problem today. While watching television, children are inactive and tend to snack. They're also bombarded with ads that encourage them to eat unhealthy foods such as potato chips and empty-calorie soft drinks that often become preferred snack foods.

Studies have shown that decreasing the amount of television children watched led to less weight gain and lower body mass index (BMI — a measurement derived from someone's weight and height).

Television and Commercials—

According to the AAP, children in the United States see 40,000 commercials each year. From the junk food and toy advertisements during Saturday morning cartoons to the appealing promos on the backs of cereal boxes, marketing messages inundate children of all ages. And to them, everything looks ideal — like something they simply have to have. It all sounds so appealing — often, so much better than it really is.

Under the age of 8 years, most children don't understand that commercials are for selling a product. Kids 6 years and under are unable to distinguish program content from commercials, especially if their favorite character is promoting the product. Even older children may need to be reminded of the purpose of advertising.

Of course, it's nearly impossible to eliminate all exposure to marketing messages. You can certainly turn off the television or at least limit children' watching time, but they'll still see and hear advertisements for the latest gizmos and must-haves at every turn.

But what you can do is teach children to be savvy consumers by talking about the products advertised on television. Ask thought-provoking questions like, "What do you like about that?" … "Do you think it's really as good as it looks in that ad?" … "Do you think that's a healthy choice?"

Explain that commercials and other ads are designed to make people want things they don't necessarily need. And these ads are often meant to make us think that these products will make us happier somehow. Talking to children about what things are like in reality can help put things into perspective.

To limit children' exposure to television commercials, the AAP recommends that you:

• Buy or rent kid's videos or DVDs.
• Have your children watch public television stations (some programs are sponsored — or "brought to you" — by various companies, although the products they sell are rarely shown).
• Record programs — without the commercials.

Developing Good television Habits—

Here are some practical ways to make television-viewing more productive in your home:

1. Check the television listings and program reviews ahead of time for programs your family can watch together (i.e., developmentally appropriate and nonviolent programs that reinforce your family's values). Choose shows that foster interest and learning in hobbies and education (reading, science, etc.).

2. Come up with a family television schedule that you all agree upon each week. Then, post the schedule in a visible area (e.g., on the refrigerator) so that everyone knows which programs are OK to watch and when. And make sure to turn off the television when the "scheduled" program is over instead of channel surfing.

3. Offer fun alternatives to television. If your children want to watch television but you want to turn off the tube, suggest that you all play a board game, start a game of hide and seek, play outside, read, work on crafts or hobbies, or listen and dance to music. The possibilities for fun without the tube are endless — so turn off the television and enjoy the quality time together.

4. Preview programs before your children watch them.

5. Set a good example by limiting your own television viewing.

6. Talk to children about what they see on television and share your own beliefs and values. If something you don't approve of appears on the screen, you can turn off the television, then use the opportunity to ask thought-provoking questions such as, "Do you think it was OK when those men got in that fight? What else could they have done? What would you have done?" Or, "What do you think about how those teenagers were acting at that party? Do you think what they were doing was wrong?" If certain people or characters are mistreated or discriminated against, talk about why it's important to treat everyone fairly, despite their differences. You can use television to explain confusing situations and express your feelings about difficult topics (sex, love, drugs, alcohol, smoking, work, behavior, family life).

7. Talk to other moms and dads, your doctor, and teachers about their television-watching policies and kid-friendly programs they'd recommend.

8. Try a weekday ban. Schoolwork, sports activities, and job responsibilities make it tough to find extra family time during the week. Record weekday shows or save television time for weekends and you'll have more family togetherness time to spend on meals, games, physical activity, and reading during the week.

9. Watch television together. If you can't sit through the whole program, at least watch the first few minutes to assess the tone and appropriateness, then check in throughout the show.

10. Limit the number of television-watching hours:

• Don't allow children to watch television while doing homework.
• Keep televisions out of bedrooms.
• Stock the room in which you have your television with plenty of other non-screen entertainment (books, children' magazines, toys, puzzles, board games, etc.) to encourage children to do something other than watch the tube.
• Treat television as a privilege to be earned — not a right. Establish and enforce family television viewing rules, such as television is allowed only after chores and homework are completed.
• Turn the television off during meals.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents